Porch Pirates (2024)

[bunniefuu]

(bright energetic music)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Get up on your feet

This is a shake down

- [DJ] Good morning, east Texas.

We are getting ready for

another Christmas season

and this year you might

be noticing a lot more

of Santa's little helpers

driving around in delivery vans.

Be sure and check your

front porch for those packages

because they're not coming

down the chimney this year.

The way you like it

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Just the way you like it

Ooh ooh

Ooh

So good so fresh

You're the new MC

You got the remix

Keep it on repeat

just let the beat kick

Everywhere you go

you bring the roof down

Everybody knows you got your own sound

So good so fresh

Just the way you like it

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Just the way you like it

Ooh ooh

Ooh

So good so fresh

The way you like it

The way you like it oh

The way you like it

The way you like it now

The way you like it

The way you like it oh

So good so fresh

Get up on your feet

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Show me you got soul

Ooh ooh

Ooh

(trash bag contents clattering)

Just the way you like it

Ooh ooh

Ooh

So new so fresh

Ooh ooh

Ooh

- Yeow, vroom. Watch out, boomer.

- Hey, nice big scooter.

Ooh ooh

(urine dripping)

- Excuse me. Hi.

You Fast Eddie?

- That depends, (fly zipping)

you Antonio?

- Yeah.

- Well, you're late. Not fashionably.

Fast Eddie doesn't approve.

- Yeah. Sorry about that.

But I'm here now. So let's do this.

- Ah, ah, ah, you didn't

say the magic word.

- Please?

- No. Money.

Say that.

- Not until you show me the goods first.

- Doesn't work that way, friend.

- Make an exception, huh?

(electricity zapping)

- Oh, what the hey. I like you.

And I can tell that you are a man who likes

to play with fire, and that's good,

because that's exactly what I've got.

Hot toys, limited

edition, pristine condition.

Step into my office.

- All right.

(tense ominous music)

(car trunk creaking)

Nice.

- So what do you think?

- It's just what I was looking for.

All right, friend, I showed

you mine. Now it's your turn.

Hey.

- Uh...

All right. How much you want?

- How much you got?

(tense ominous music continues)

- What'll this get me?

- A trip to the flea market. We're done.

- Now, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Oh, man. God.

(cash rustling)

- I knew there was more

to you than meets the eye.

All right, what's your poison?

- Let me get that big robot right there.

- All right.

- The baby.

- Eh? You got a lot of kids at home, huh?

- Well, I got a lot of nieces and nephews.

I'm, (laughs) I'm like Santa Claus.

(sirens wailing)

- Oh, snowballs. We got company.

(engine revving)

Be cool. I got this.

- Fellas having some car trouble?

- Uh, yeah, but we got

it all in control, Officer.

Thank you.

(tense ominous music continues)

- How about you guys show me some IDs?

- Whatever you say, partner.

- Partner? You set me up?

Antonio, I thought we were friends.

- Name's Detective Marcos Fernandez.

Gregg County Sheriff's Office.

And you're under arrest

for the trafficking of counterfeit goods.

(handcuffs fastening) (sirens wailing)

- [Eddie] Listen, fellas,

I've got some connections.

A- all you gotta do is say the magic word

and I can make things happen.

- You hear something?

- Nope. Not a thing.

- Come on, guys. Don't do me like this.

Let Fast Eddie work his magic.

- What are you doing?

We wish you

A Merry Christmas

- 'Tis the season, partner.

- No, I don't think so.

We wish you (radio shuts off)

- You could use a little

bit of "Jingle Bell Rock."

- For one, it's my car. I pick the music.

And for two, you don't play Christmas music

until after Thanksgiving.

It's a sin.

- If I may, he's right, Antonio.

Christmas music is perfectly

acceptable in November.

- Sit back and keep your mouth quiet.

Otherwise I'm gonna tack

another year on your sentence.

And it's Marcos.

And now Santa has a tall black suit

Santa has a tall black suit

At first he...

- I don't think your brother's

gonna make it, My Life.

- Typical Marcos. He is

going to get an earful from me.

- Grandpa, can I have

some of your tres leches?

(silverware clattering)

- Honey, Grace, no. You

already have your own.

- It's okay, Emily. She's a growing girl.

There you go, sunshine.

- She sure has you wrapped

around her finger, Dad.

- Don't let her fool you,

Grandpa. She's a brat.

- Hey, Hunter.

- Hunter.

That's not a very nice thing

to say about your little sister.

- Well, it's true, she

acts all nice around y'all.

But last week she used my

action figure as fishing bait.

- Did you catch anything?

- Yeah, I caught this big fish.

- Well, as I recall it was you, Hunter,

who stole her doll first, right?

- Whatever.

- It's Thanksgiving, son. You

should be grateful for Grace.

- Hear that, Hunter? You

should be grateful for me.

(group laughing)

- Fine.

- Oh, there's never a dull

moment between siblings,

especially at their age.

- Mm-hmm.

- Jack Tyler, put your phone away.

What kind of example are

you setting for your grandkids?

- I'm just checking on Marcos.

- He doesn't need a babysitter.

He is a grown man, and

he has made his decision.

- You're right. I'm sorry.

- If he doesn't want to

be here, then it's his loss.

(speaking Spanish) In fact.

Would anyone like the

last piece of tres leches

that I was saving for Marcos?

- Me, I do.

- Hmm. Take it.

(hand smacks)

Here. Mwah.

- It's so good. This is so, so good.

Thank you.

- [Maria] Oh, you are welcome.

(gentle solemn music)

(birds singing)

(gentle solemn music continues)

(gentle solemn music continues)

- Happy Thanksgiving, baby.

(gentle solemn music continues)

(footsteps pattering)

- You outdid yourself this year, My Queen.

This may be the best

turkey you've made to date.

You okay, My Queen?

- I'm worried about Marcos.

- He's gonna be okay.

We just have to keep

loving and supporting him.

You'll see.

- I hope so.

It's just that it's been so long

and I keep praying for him. (sobbing)

- You know, we, we all kind

of grieve in our own way.

But in time, he's gonna get through this.

You'll see.

- Please tell me you are

not eating in our bed again.

(Jack munching)

- No.

(bright whimsical music)

(Maria laughs)

(tense suspenseful music)

(car whooshing)

(bright whimsical music) (Izzy grunting)

(guitar strumming)

(monitor beeping) (keyboard clacking)

- Ah, there we go. I got it.

- [Bobby] Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Lemme see. Brilliant, babe.

- Thanks, darling.

- Hey, guys, turn that

off and get over here.

I wanna try to get home before midnight.

- Bobby, man, hold on. I'm crushing it.

- Just save the game, Iz.

- Dude, I can't save an online game.

(glass shatters) (monitor buzzing)

- Well, that's one way to do it.

- You broke another TV.

- I didn't break it. The remote broke it.

- Izzy.

- Hey, Iz. Come on.

- Get it together.

- All right. What's up, Bobby?

- Yeah, how did we do?

- Good. We're tracking

over 50 delivery trucks.

And with tomorrow being Black Friday,

Porch Pirate season is officially on.

(group cheering) (hands pounding)

- Oh, yeah.

Yo-h*, yo-h*

It's a porch pirate season for me

(Ralph singing)

- [Group] Ralph...

- Now according to Sarah's

estimate, we should be able

to hit 25 homes per day,

especially the last two

weeks before Christmas.

- That's a whole lotta houses.

- Yeah, what do you think

our take home's gonna be?

- Okay, so minus the 5,000

that we have in expenses,

we're looking at about 20,000 each.

- That's a heck of a lot more

than we make delivering pizzas in a year.

- Ah, cha-ching.

- Uh, you guys gotta still

keep delivering the pizzas.

- (scoffs) Why is that?

- Alibis.

Now listen up. Sarah's

got more info for you.

- All right, guys.

So the delivery trucks stop delivering

around 8:00 PM tonight,

so I will have a full map

of their routes to you by the end of today.

- Then it's picking time.

- Yep. We're gonna work in phases, okay?

Phase one, we'll track the delivery trucks

and document the uncollected packages.

- Yes, and then I'm gonna

be programming each address

into the drone as they come in, okay?

- Nice.

- Mm-hmm.

- Phase two's gonna be the pickers.

- Oh, yeah.

- So what's the plan?

We're gonna hit a single

truck route tomorrow.

If all goes well, Santa

Claus is coming to town.

(group cheering)

- Yeah, baby, come in with it...

- Uh...

- No shot.

- [Sticky] Uh, no I don't know

where that hand has been.

- Come on, guys.

- Bro, you need to wash your hands.

- Surprised you didn't hit the

Black Friday sales, My Life.

- I think those days are over.

Plus the crowds are getting mas loco,

and I am getting too old to fight them.

- Oh, I don't know about

that, my sexy mamacita.

- (laughs) Save some

of that energy for later.

(speaking Spanish) Hot

old man,

I am working here.

- I'll hold you to that.

(bright upbeat music) (bell ringing)

What's this? Some type of new ornament?

- Oh, si.

I got it as a free gift when I

did some online shopping.

- What's next? A Christmas avocado?

- No, it comes with a story.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

According to this,

you are supposed to

hide the Christmas pickle,

and whoever finds it gets an extra gift.

The grandkids will go crazy about that.

- They sure will. But you

better buy another one.

Can't show any favoritism.

Especially with my little Gracita.

- Ah, that's very funny coming

from you since we all know

that Grace is your favorita.

- Of course she is. She's my fishing buddy.

Besides, Hunter's just

like his Grandmother. No patience.

- I think you meant

to say we're both

adorable and strong-willed.

- That's right.

- (laughs) Stop wasting time

and pass me another ornament.

(bright upbeat music continues)

- It didn't work this time.

(tense ominous music)

(drone beeping)

- [Device] Drone activated.

(drone buzzing)

Scanning.

(monitor beeping)

Packages located.

(monitor beeping)

- Two minute warning.

(drone buzzing)

There once was a ship that put to sea

And the name of the

ship was the Billy O' Tea

The winds blew up

- [Device] Emp activated.

Standing by.

Her bow dipped down

Oh blow, my bully boys, blow

- [Device] Emp de-active.

Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go

She had not been two weeks from shore

When down on her a right whale bore

The captain called all hands and swore

He'd take that whale in tow

Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go

Da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Before the boat had hit the water

The whale's tail came up and caught her

All hands to the side,

harpooned and fought her

When she dived down low

Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go

No line was cut, no whale was freed

And the captain's mind was not of greed

And he belonged to the Whaleman's creed

She took that ship in tow

Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go

Da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

For forty days or even more

The line went slack

then tight once more

All boats were lost,

there were only four

But still that whale did go

Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go

As far as I've heard,

the fight's still on

The line's not cut, and

the whale's not gone

The Wellerman makes his regular call

To encourage the captain crew

(objects clattering)

(footsteps pattering) (objects clattering)

(footsteps pattering)

(gentle whimsical music)

(egg cracking)

- And in other news, apparently

packages are being stolen

off of people's porches,

and they're not just

being stolen by anybody,

but by Santa Claus wearing a pirate's mask.

So if you happen to see Santa Claus running

around your neighborhood-

(Marcos speaking Spanish) Hello, sister.

- [News Anchor] To the reindeer.

- Don't "Hello, sister" me.

- [News Anchor] And call the local-

- You missed our family Thanksgiving again.

- I'm sorry..

- You should be.

(speaking Spanish) Ah, sit down.

And I'll make you some breakfast.

You're looking a little...

(speaking spanish) skinny. these days.

- Hey.

Take it easy, sis.

- Ah, just trying

to toughen you up, little brother.

Every year, (speaking

Spanish) the same thing.

I come to Thanksgiving,

but no, you don't show.

(speaking Spanish) I'm

tired of you not showing up.

But then you don't show.

- Morning, My queen.

- Ah, buenos dias.

- Morning.

- Hey, morning.

- Ah. Take it.

- Thank you, little sister.

- Where's my bacon?

- No bacon for you.

The doctor said you need

to watch your cholesterol.

(bright whimsical music)

- [Marcos] Hey.

- What?

- Mm-mm. Delicious, babe.

- Hey, so, uh, what's

new with the grandkids?

- You would have known had

you been here for Thanksgiving.

- Oh they're great.

But they miss their Uncle.

- And don't even think

about missing Navidad.

And you are going to church with us too.

(Maria speaking Spanish) Now eat.

- I'll try to come to Christmas,

but I'm not going to church.

- Marcos don't make me get out my chancla.

- Think fast.

You gotta get outta here, 'cause

when the chancla comes up flying,

there's always friendly fire.

(bright upbeat music)

- Sister, thanks for everything.

Breakfast was delicious.

(speaking Spanish) I love you very much.

You forgot the salsa.

- Aye!

(Maria speaking Spanish)

Take this, naughty.

(bright whimsical music)

- Hello?

(door knocking) Is anybody home?

(birds singing)

Hello? Can you come to the door, please?

I have a lot of houses to do.

Are you on the pot?

Come on. Hello?

(door knocking) (Charley sighs)

(bright energetic music)

(door knocking)

- Jack, Marcus, I'd like to introduce you

to Detective Sally Jones.

She just transferred

here from Brazos County.

She's gonna be joining the team.

- Good to have you part of the team.

- Welcome, newbie.

- Good to be here.

- Brazos County. Huh?

I guess that makes you an Aggie too.

- (laughs) Yes, sir. Heart and Soul.

- Sally's gonna be assisting

on the Porch Pirates case,

so get her up to speed.

I'm sure you'll find her experience

and her perspective to be very helpful.

- But she's gonna cramp

our style, Captain. No offense.

- (laughs) Cramp, cramp. Ow, ah, ow.

We're not wrestling the

cattle, Captain. No offense.

- Well, I, I figure Captain

wants us to, uh, solve this case

before you both retire.

No offense.

- (laughs) Well, aren't you sassier

than a rattlesnake on a rose bush.

- All right, now that

we got that sorted out,

I need y'all to head over

to the mayor's house.

It looks like he was the latest victim

of some porch pirates.

- On it, Captain.

- By the way, I hope you like dad jokes.

Otherwise it's gonna be a long ride.

- And Aggie jokes too.

- Oh, yeah, I figured.

- Did you hear about

the Aggie that found out

95% of all accidents happen

within five miles of home?

- I don't know. What?

- He moved. (laughs)

- (sighs) Okay.

(leaves rustling) (tense suspenseful music)

(bright whimsical music)

- Whoa. Hi, little guy.

I haven't seen one of these in forever.

Let's see.

(keyboard clacking)

Oh, my... Bobby.

- Yeah?

- You gotta come look at this.

(keyboard clacking)

I think we just scored.

- Whoa. No kidding.

H- hey, fellas, we're in the green.

- Go on tell me it's a baseball card.

- Or even better, Pogs.

- Dude, what's Pogs?

- Pogs, man.

They're the little cardboard round disc

that you would bounce 'em with your friends

and play and stuff.

- How old are you?

- Uh-uh.

This is way better than that.

- A bird?

- Now this little guy is worth $20,000.

- No way.

- Whoa.

- Yeah, way.

- Score. We are gonna be rich.

- Hey, baby. Where'd you say

this package came from again?

- Uh, the mayor's

house, along with this box

of glass Christmas pickle ornaments.

- Christmas pickles. Weird.

- That is a score. Stick it to that mayor.

- Yeah. (laughs)

- Uh, hey, guys, I don't

think we should list this one.

- Why not?

- I think it'll get flagged.

(car engine rumbling)

(gentle suspenseful music)

(bright festive music)

- Afternoon, ma'am. Detective Fernandez.

These are my partners, Detective

Tyler and Detective Jones.

- Oh, thank you for coming

so quickly, detectives.

- Yes, please come in.

Uh, can we get you something

to drink? Some coffee or tea?

- Coffee would be great.

- I second that.

- Oh, make that three, please.

- Three coffees coming up.

- I'm really sorry to hear

about your thefts, ma'am.

- Oh, oh, bless you.

You know, I, I don't know what happened.

I mean, this was always

such a safe neighborhood.

- Yeah.

- You mind if we record this, ma'am?

- [Becky] Not at all.

- Can you give us a

list of the items stolen?

- Well, yes, it was a box

of glass Christmas pickles

I ordered for my staff.

- Christmas pickles?

- Mm-hm.

- Funny. My wife just got

one of those for our tree.

- Oh, it's a tradition

around here. (laughs)

- You were saying, Mayor?

- Oh, and a rare Beanie

Baby for our collection.

Uh, the, uh, Beanie Baby's the one we're

most concerned about

because, well, we paid for just,

you know, just north

of 20 grand for it, uh...

- Did you say $20,000 for a stuffed toy?

- Oh, no. It's much more

than just a toy, Detective.

It's a cute piece of history, really.

I mean, each Beanie

Baby is very collectible.

- Really?

- Oh, she's right.

Each one comes with its own unique birthday

and poem printed on its tag.

And they were collected not only as toys,

but as financial investments

owing to their high resale value

of particular limited edition Beanies.

Now the uh, supply and demand

created a scarce availability.

So it was clever, really.

- Yes, and manufacturing began in 1993

with the nine original Beanie Babies.

There was Legs the frog, Squealer the pig,

Spot the dog, Flash the

dolphin, Splash the whale-

- Chocolate the moose, Patty the platypus,

Brownie the bear, renamed Cubby, of course,

and then the uh...

- Pincher.

- Pincher's the lobster. Yeah.

(both laughing)

- Nerd.

- Becky and I have

been collectors for years.

We have a whole room full of them.

- Oh, I need to see that.

I mean, fascinating.

Do you think that we could see that room

for our investigation?

- Absolutely. I would be delighted.

Right this way.

(bright whimsical music)

- Oh, oh, uh, do you need

a hand detective or a cane?

- Funny.

- [Sally] I thought so.

- Actually I could use it. (grunting)

Holy moly.

Dang. Y'all weren't kidding.

- It's incredible. Oh, wow, look at that.

- [Marcos] What you got, Detective?

- Oh, it's Mystic the unicorn.

I had one of these when I was a kid.

- Oh.

- My parents sold it in a

yard sale when we moved.

- Oh, well, then since you

know how this loss hurts us,

do you think that there's something

that y'all might do to help?

- Of course, ma'am.

- Oh, splendid.

- I noticed that you

have a doorbell camera.

- Yes, that's correct.

- All right, we're gonna need

you to pull that footage, please.

- Oh, okay. Of course.

(dog barking)

There you go.

- Thank you.

(electricity zapping)

- Strange, right?

And the even stranger thing is

we got a motion detection alert.

- Can we see that as well?

- Oh, sure can. It's the next video.

(gentle suspenseful

music) (electricity zapping)

- Looks like we've got

bad Santa on our hands.

- (laughs) I thought

my doorbell got hacked.

- We're gonna need you to send that

to us if you don't mind, Mayor.

- Well, of course.

Anything we can do to

help you catch that criminal.

- Yeah, but what I don't understand is, is

how did this thief know

that we weren't home?

- Well, we're likely dealing

with a professional, ma'am.

- And he's probably staking

out your neighborhood.

- Oh.

- Oh, heavens.

- Well, I think that's all we need for now.

But if you can think of anything else,

please don't hesitate to call.

- All right.

- We will.

Bless y'all.

- Always here to serve.

(scooter rumbling)

(bright percussive music)

What will we do with a drunken sailor

What will we do with a drunken sailor

What will we do with a drunken sailor

Early in the morning

Way hay and up she rises

Way hay and up she rises

Way hay and up she rises

Early in the morning

Shave his belly with a rusty razor

Shave his belly with a rusty razor

Shave his belly with a rusty razor

Early in the morning

Way hay and up she rises

Way hay and up she rises

Way hay and up she rises

(drone zooming) (group laughing)

- [Sticky] Sweet.

- 60 picks in seven days is not bad, y'all.

Not bad at all.

- Wow, we are the b*mb.com.

- Yeah, I'm telling you

he's gotta be at least 40.

- Hey, y'all, listen up. Sarah's

got some more info for you.

- All right, guys, so not counting today,

we're pulling in about 14,000.

That's about two grand each.

- H-holy cow.

- I can buy so many skateboards and tacos.

- Okay, hold on. Hold on.

That doesn't make any sense.

You said the Beanie Baby

was worth $20,000 by itself.

- Yeah, what's up with that?

- Sarah was right.

There's a little too much

heat on that right now.

- It's just that specific Beanie

Baby is such a rare find.

They've only made 10 of them.

There's even a registry for who owns them.

- That should have been a group decision.

- Yeah, Sticky's got a point.

- All right, before y'all start

a mutiny, let me remind you

how important it is that

we keep a low profile.

There's at least three weeks left.

Picking season is just getting started.

- Yeah, yeah. I guess you're right.

- I still think there

should have been a vote.

- Y'all can take a vote.

That's fine with me.

But if you decide to sell it, then I'm out.

You're on your own. All right?

I can't have the cops on my radar.

- And if Bobby's out, so am I.

- Whatever. Why don't we just vote?

All in favor for selling the

Beanie Baby, raise your hand.

Really?

- Dude, it is just too dangerous.

I don't wanna be behind bars.

- Yeah, me either, man.

You've seen my face.

I wouldn't make it two seconds in the pen.

- Whatever. I'm outta here.

- Is he gonna be a problem for us?

- Sticky? No, he just needs

to blow off some steam.

I'll talk to him

tomorrow. It'll be all right.

- Yeah, I hope so. Otherwise

picking season is over.

(gentle suspenseful music)

- Yeah. Wii Sports?

- Yeah, just don't break another TV.

- [Izzy] Pick another one.

(traffic bustling)

- All righty, that is one

Kate's Jalapeo Popper Pizza

on cauliflower crust.

All right. We'll see you soon.

(door monitor dings)

- Ah.

- [Bobby] There you are.

Glad you made it.

- Yep.

- Where's your name tag?

- Izzy's borrowing it.

- Well, where's Izzy's name tag?

- Why would I know?

- Uh...

- Well, we have one

order going out, Sticky.

Can you take it please?

- [Bobby] Good to go?

- Is this going to Karen's house again?

- Dude, come on. Clock's ticking.

- Well, there pretty be enough

pineapples on this thing.

- There's enough for both of you.

- Bye, pineapple boy.

(door monitor dings) (crowd cheering)

Oh, why is everything so serious with him?

- That's a great question.

How does he still have a job?

Another great question.

(car door clanging)

(bright gentle music)

(door knocking)

- Well, it's about time. You are late.

- Yeah, this whole daylight

savings is kind of k*lling me.

- Here, let me see it.

And there's not enough

pineapple on this pizza.

- Lady, you look like a pineapple.

- There you go.

- Thanks for the tip, Karen.

- Oh, and you're welcome.

Thank you very much for your service.

- A whole flipping

dollar, Karen? Good night.

God...

(gentle whimsical music)

(car engine revving)

(car engine revving)

(door shuts)

(tense suspenseful music)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(objects clattering) (car door shuts)

(car engine starting)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(footsteps stomping)

(objects clattering)

- What I don't understand is

how they keep disabling

the doorbell camera.

- You got me.

- Uh, you, you mind if I take a look?

- Yeah, go for it. I could

use another refill anyway.

- Yeah, me too.

(keyboard clacking)

(objects clattering) (footsteps stomping)

(gentle whimsical music)

- Hey, uh, I think I got something.

(electricity zapping)

- Dang, these guys are sophisticated.

- That explains how

they're getting in and out

without being detected.

- Did you get a list

of the delivery drivers?

- Oh, yeah, it's uh...

Right there.

- Does it have their routes too?

- Mm-hm. It's on there.

- Good work.

- Oh, yeah, and uh, check this out.

On the night that the

mayor's house was hit,

it seems that the route

belonged to a single driver.

- Interesting.

- [Sally] Yeah.

- Could be an inside job.

- We should pull up

their contact information

and call 'em in for questioning.

- Yeah, will do, Detective.

- She's good.

- Yeah, she is.

(Speaking Spanish) Be quiet old man.

(Marcos laughs)

(tape recorder clicking)

- Thank you for agreeing

to meet with us, Charlie.

- Sure. You mind telling me

what's going on, detectives?

- We'll ask the questions, ma'am.

- Okay. That's fine.

- Can you tell us where you were

between 8:00 PM to midnight

on Friday, November 25th?

(tape whirring)

- Doggone it.

(hand slamming)

- Here you go. I got this.

(phone dings)

(gentle whimsical music)

- As you were saying.

- (clearing throat) Yeah, uh,

I normally get home around 8:30,

but last week it was a little bit later.

- A little busy this

time of year, isn't it?

- Yeah, Detective.

- Or maybe you were

making an unscheduled stop.

Maybe you decided to steal something.

- No, I, I would never do that.

I'm a church going girl.

- You think that'll save you?

- And was your husband home at that time?

- You mean my boyfriend?

Yeah, 'cause he ain't got no job.

He's a bit of a deadbeat,

and he spends most of his

time at this dingy warehouse

with his buddies playing video games.

- Charlie, if I find

out you're lying to me,

you're gonna be real sorry.

- I'm not lying, Detective.

Look, I've told y'all everything I know.

Will you please tell me what's going on?

- I'm sure you're aware that there's been

several packages stolen

over the last couple of weeks.

- Yeah. (stammering)

So busy this time of year,

it's impossible to wait

for every single person

to answer the door, unless

a signature's required.

- Your route was hit

pretty hard on the 25th.

You didn't happen to see anything

outta the ordinary, did you?

- Mm, no.

- One of the packages

that you delivered was valued at $20,000.

- And you would've got

a signature for that, right?

(gentle whimsical music)

- I, I don't, I don't know.

I was so focused on...

- Yes or no, Charlie.

- No, Detective. Look, I'm sorry.

It's just so busy this time of year.

It takes so long for

people to come to the door-

- Wait, wait. Are you

sure you weren't followed?

- (stammering) Honestly, I, I don't know.

I don't think so.

- And is that your van parked out front?

- Yes, the company lets us take it home

so we could do pickups

on the way into the office.

- That's nice of them.

- Mind if we take a look?

- Sure. Just be careful.

I picked up a few fragile

packages this morning.

- We're gonna get you in on this too.

Extra pair of eyes couldn't hurt.

- Yeah, works for me.

(gentle whimsical music)

- Please be careful. Those

are sorted for a reason.

(device thudding)

(glass shattering)

Or not.

(hand knocking)

- Look what I found.

(indistinct)

- Nice find.

- Yeah.

- Guess we know how

they're locating their victims.

- And we don't want them

to know we're onto them.

- You got that right.

- Yeah. I'm putting it back.

(Jack sniffing)

- Smell that?

- What?

- Smells like a stake out.

- Ha, that's a good one.

- Go make deliveries.

- Okay.

(glass shatters)

(gentle suspenseful music)

(electricity zapping)

- Maybe it was on the wrong channel.

- Hey, anybody hear from Sticky?

- Uh, not since he dropped me off.

He said he'd be right back though.

- He'd better get here soon.

I would hate to have to

split his share between us.

- Hey, man, I wouldn't mind that. (laughs)

- I'll call him.

- All right.

- I'll call. (grunts)

- 5,100, 5,200,

and a good old whopping

5,000 Mr. Benjamins.

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness.

What in the Paris Hilton is this?

(cellphone ringing)

Yo. What up, G?

- Yo, buddy, where you at? It's payday.

You gotta get your butt over here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I'm, I'm grabbing

a burger. You want one?

- No, I'm good. I just had a Twinkie.

- Tight. All right,

well, I'll be there in 15.

- [Ralph] All right, cool. Later.

(glass shattering) (ball thudding)

- sh**t. Come on, Sticky.

- It's payday, fellas. You earned it.

Ralph.

- Thank you.

- Baby.

- Oh, thank you, baby.

- It's made of cash.

- Oh, no, wait, hold on.

There's Sticky's share.

- Yeah, in your dreams, Ralph.

- Nice jacket.

- Ah, thanks.

I got it from your mom's.

- Whatever.

Now that we are all here,

let's get down the business.

Baby, you wanna do the honors?

- I will. Okay, guys.

So not including today, we've

brought in about $50,000,

which is right on par

with my original estimate.

Of that, we've gotten about

8,000 each off the listings.

And that's exactly what

Bobby just handed you.

- (claps) Nice.

- Yeah!

- Yes, sir.

The good news is the

average pick should increase

significantly these last two weeks

as people finish up

their Christmas shopping.

- Yeah, and people should

be buying and paying quicker.

- On another note, we all need to chip in

and help Sarah get these

packages out to the buyers.

- Yes.

- Things are starting

to pile up here, as y'all can see.

- Does that mean we're gonna

get a little more cash-oola?

- Don't push your luck, Iz.

- Thought I'd give it a shot.

- Uh, also, I'm missing a Christmas pickle.

Has anyone seen one laying around?

They're kind of the hottest

thing on the website right now.

I need 'em.

- Uh, hey, Sticky, didn't you have one

of those hanging in your car?

- Uh, yeah.

You know, I didn't think

anyone would miss it.

- Uh, it's not a big deal.

Let's just keep track of who

takes what from now on. Got it?

- Well, what about those packages

with the new phones in 'em?

- What about 'em?

- Well, can I take one of

those and you just dock my pay?

- Unfortunately, no.

Those get tracked back

to us here in the US.

So I'm selling them on

the dark web via Bitcoin.

- All right, well, I'll take one

of those Christmas pickles then.

Thank you.

- Sure.

You can all do a little Christmas shopping.

Sticky, don't forget that.

(insects chirping)

(police radio crackling)

- [Sally] See anything yet?

(device pings)

- Nothing yet.

(tires screeching)

(gentle suspenseful music)

- Hey, want a sandwich?

- Sure.

(Jack grunting)

(drone beeps and whirs)

- [Device] Activated.

Scanning.

(drone buzzing and whirring)

- What the heck are you doing?

- My briefcase is stuck.

- Well, pull harder.

- Well, you could help. (grunts)

(drone buzzing)

(drone whooshing)

(bright upbeat music)

(vocalist singing indistinctly)

- Oh, my gosh.

(both grunting and struggling)

(drone buzzing)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

(drone whizzing and beeping)

- Oh, my gosh.

- Is that...

(electricity zapping)

(bright upbeat music)

(vocalist singing indistinctly)

- [Sarah] Abort, abort, abort!

(tires screeching) (bright upbeat music)

(electricity zapping)

- On my signal. Ready?

- Oh, my gosh. Sarah, come on, take it up.

- Three...

- Take it up, take it up, take it up.

- I can't go any higher.

The trees are blocking.

- Well, we gotta get it

out there, Sarah. Come on.

- Shut it.

- Okay.

- Two.

- [Device] Return home initiated.

(tense suspenseful music)

- Now.

- [Device] Return home.

(bright gentle music)

(drone whizzing)

(bright gentle music continues)

(drone whizzing)

(drone whizzing)

(Marcos panting)

(Jack panting)

- sh**t.

- Yeah.

Man, I need a second to regain my breath.

- [Sarah] What happened?

I thought we had 'em.

- We're made. (device beeps)

(both panting)

- Stupid drone.

- Did we lose the drone?

- No, thank goodness.

- That's a relief.

- Lucky is what it is.

But now the cops are onto us,

which is exactly what I

didn't want to have happen.

- So what? Picking season's over for us?

- For a long view, yes, it is.

- That stinks, man.

- Look, why don't we just

lay low for a couple days and-

- The problem is, all of

the deliveries in our area

originate from the same facility, guys.

- The cops have already found our trackers.

They could basically be

anywhere at this point.

- Sticky's right. You guys

gotta lay low, all right?

At least while Sarah and

I come up with plan B.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. All right.

- All right. I'm outta here.

- All-all right, guys.

- Find out what to do.

- [Sarah] I'm gonna go work on this.

(hand slams) (Bobby grunts)

(water sloshing)

(Jack yawns)

- Oh, sweetie, you look exhausted.

- Put a fork in me, baby, because I'm done.

(Maria speaking Spanish) What happened?

- Turns out we underestimated

the Porch Pirates.

(Maria speaking Spanish) You poor thing.

- They had this drone,

and everything just went to the toilet.

- A drone? That's on the

top of Hunter's Christmas list.

- Oh, Lord. You're gonna

have to handle that one, baby.

I'm afraid I'd be triggered.

- I will.

On a positive note,

I found another handmade Christmas pickle.

And to top it off, I

think the seller is local.

- Good to support local businesses.

- Oh, they even have that

game that Grace wants.

Emily has been searching

high and low for it.

- Mm-hm.

- And they also carry

a limited edition bell

from "It's a Wonderful Life."

You know how special that movie is to me.

And since you're such

a last minute shopper,

I emailed the link to you.

(bright gentle music)

(Jack breathing heavily)

Jack.

In case you were wondering what to get me.

(Maria sighs)

(bright gentle music) (crowd chattering)

- Hey, Marcos.

- Detective.

- Sally.

- Sally.

- Yeah.

- You look pretty.

- Well, thanks.

Uh, do you wanna join us?

- And talk about apples,

cookies and ID addresses?

Ah. Well, thanks, I'll sit this one out.

- Oh, come on.

They're more fun than

you give 'em credit for.

Oh, and hey, maybe you can uh, fill 'em in

about how you let the drone get away.

They'd get a kick out of that.

- Yeah. Thanks for the reminder.

I'm sure I looked pretty crazy.

- Oh, you did. But it was cute.

Uh, hey, offer still stands if

you change your mind. Okay?

- Appreciate it.

- Oh, and uh, Detective,

it's IP address not ID address.

- Noted.

(bright upbeat music continues)

On the first day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

A partridge in a pear tree

On the second day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the third day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

- [Marcos] And that was me

and Jack's first stake out together.

- (laughs) It must be a hoot working

with your brother-in-Law.

- Ah, he's more like a big brother to me.

He's a bit of a

goofball, but I'll tell you,

no one else I'd rather

pick to have my back.

- Well, you both have

made me feel at home here,

so thanks for that.

- You're welcome.

Always like to give the

newbies a little bit of a hard time.

Especially if they're, you know, Aggies.

- Ah, (laughs) well, trust me.

Being a female cop, I've had to deal

with my fair share of crap, so.

- What brought you back to

good old East Texas anyway?

- Oh, uh, my family,

particularly my parents.

My dad's had some health issues lately,

so I wanted to be home.

And when I saw that Gregg

County had an opening,

I jumped on it.

- I'm glad you did.

(glasses clinking) (bright upbeat music)

- I didn't know you were married.

- Was.

- Sorry.

I, I didn't mean to pry.

Must be the detective in me.

- It's okay.

Jenny died. Cancer.

Been going on five years now.

In some ways it still feels like yesterday.

- I'm sorry. That must be tough.

- It is.

She loved the holidays.

Man, she loved them.

I tell you, it took everything I had

to stop her from decorating the house

for Christmas in, in October.

(Sally laughs)

Sure enough, come November 1st, boom.

Those stockings went

up. They went up. (laughs)

Along with everything else.

(gentle wistful music)

That's why it's so tough

this time of year, you know?

Hey, but enough about me. How about you?

No boyfriend, no husband?

- Oh, uh, I was engaged once.

Uh, but it turns out

we had different values.

- How so?

- Oh, I, I poured myself

into the relationship,

you know, 'cause I, I

thought it was meant to be,

but uh, it took him leaving me

to realize just how one sided

the relationship truly was.

- [Marcos] Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah, one morning I woke up

and found that he had

packed everything up and left,

and I never saw it coming.

- Wow.

- So much for being a detective.

- Yeah, but you can't

be so hard on yourself.

- Well, you know, I, I

ignored red flag after red flag.

And I even forgave him for cheating on me

if you can believe that.

- To new beginnings.

- New friendships.

(glasses clink) (gentle wistful music)

(oil sizzling)

(coffee sloshing)

(bright percussive music)

(oil sizzling)

(bright percussive music continues)

(utensils clanging)

(keyboard clacking)

- Jack!

(speaking Spanish) Breakfast.

(gentle whimsical music)

Jack, breakfast!

- Be right there.

- [Maria] Jack, I have

places to be this morning.

- Hold your horses, woman.

(Maria speaking Spanish) Excuse me.

- Uh, I said, "You look gorgeous, woman."

(gentle whimsical music)

- The food's getting cold.

(Jack exhales)

About time.

- Ooh. Looks good.

- Hey!

That's for Marcos.

- Fine.

- Ooh, buenos dias. Morning.

Smells delicious in here.

Litlle sister.

- Hmm?

- Mwah.

- Marcos?

- Yes, my sweet, lovely sister?

- You are in a very good mood this morning.

- I am. It's 'cause it's a

fine day in the neighborhood.

A fine day.

- Babe, I think we need to put an APV out.

My partner's done gone missing.

- (laughs) Good one. I'm here.

- Hmm, wouldn't have anything to

do with that new coworker, would it?

- We did end up having a

couple drinks together last night.

- I knew it. I knew I

detected a little office romance.

- Now I don't know about all that,

but we did get to know

each other a little better.

- Well, if you ask me,

I think it's about the time

you get yourself out there.

The real question is, is

she a church going woman?

- Now slow down, sis. We're just coworkers.

- (laughs) That wasn't a coworker look

you gave her yesterday.

- I want to meet her.

She needs my approval if she's going

to be a part of this familia.

- You two are hopeless.

- Oh.

Your salsa.

- Ah, salsa. Thank you.

- (laughs) Ooh, la la.

(both laughing) (gentle whimsical music)

(machinery whirring) (cellphone buzzing)

- Morning.

- Good morning.

Mr. Murphy, this is Detective Jones

with the Gregg County Sheriff's Office.

- What can I do for you, Detective?

- Were you aware that your neighbor

had some packages stolen from his home?

- Yes, I am. It's terrible

news, just terrible.

Especially this time of year.

- Yeah, well, I am calling

all the surrounding neighbors

to see if someone may have seen something

or caught something on a doorbell camera.

- I didn't see anything, but I do have one

of them doorbell cameras.

- Oh, you think you could do me a favor

and check to see if you caught something?

- Sure. Give me a minute.

All I see is uh, some pizza delivery kid.

- Uh, and, and what's the,

what's the timestamp on that?

- 8:13 PM.

- And can you send that file to my email?

- Sure. What's your email address?

- Okay, yeah, it's uh,

sally@greggcountytxsheriff.org.

(email pings)

- Just sent it your way.

- Okay, and got it. All right, thank you.

You have been extremely helpful.

- My pleasure. I hope you

catch those darn delinquents.

- Yeah, thanks.

(door knocking)

- Morning, Sally. You know what they say.

Early bird gets the worm.

- Yeah, I thought it'd be good

to get a head start on things.

- Hi, Sally.

- Morning, Detective uh, Marcos.

- So uh, did you hook anything?

- Uh, yeah, I, I received

an email with a video

of a pizza delivery guy

from one of the victim's neighbors.

- Anyone feel like pizza?

- Looks like they open at 11:00 AM.

- Well, you keep calling the neighbors.

Marcos and I will go

check out the pizza place.

- Yeah, I'm on it.

Hey, Marcos,

uh, I had a great time

getting to know you last night.

- Me too.

- Uh, what are you doing after work?

- Nothing. Why?

- How about dinner?

- You mean, like, a date?

- Hmm. I mean, yeah, if, if that's okay.

Or it could just be dinner.

- [Jack] Marcos, let's

shake, rattle, and roll.

- Let's just call it dinner for now.

- Deal.

- You better close that deal, buddy.

- You ready to go to work?

(Jack laughs) (traffic bustling)

(crowd chattering)

(Sarah laughs)

- What?

- I cannot believe that this guy bought

the stupid bell for 50 bucks.

- No way. Nice job, babe.

- Thanks.

Uh, oh. (clears throat)

Hi. What can I get started for you guys?

- Sir, I'm Detective Tyler.

This is my partner, Detective Fernandez.

- Uh, what can I get for you, detectives?

- We're investigating

a string of robberies.

We was wondering if we could talk to one

of your pizza delivery

guys who made a delivery

around 8:15 a couple nights ago.

- Oh...

- I'll handle this.

- And you are?

- I'm Bobby. I'm the manager.

- Bobby, you got a last name?

- Bishop. Bobby Bishop.

- What's Sarah's last name?

- Uh, Watson.

- Bobby, does this kid

look familiar to you?

- Uh, yeah, yeah, that's Sticky.

- Sticky.

- Yeah.

- Why am I guessing

that's not his real name?

- No, that's just what we all call him.

- What is his real name?

- Uh, uh, you know, his parents named him

after some country singer.

Uh, Kenny, Kenny, uh...

Hey, babe, what's the

name of that country singer

that Sticky's named after?

Kenny... Rogers?

- Oh, yeah, that's it. Kenny Rogers.

- Well, this Kenny Rogers made a delivery

around the time of a robbery.

- Did he?

- Yeah, I was hoping we

could ask him some questions,

maybe see if he saw

anything out of the ordinary.

- Yeah. Uh, hey, Sarah, is

Sticky supposed to come in today?

- Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check.

- One sec, guys.

Let's see. Uh...

- Yeah, looks like seven o'clock.

- 7:00.

- All right, when he comes in,

have him give us a call, will you?

- Will do, Detective.

And hey, you guys want a pizza or something

before you leave?

It's on in the house.

- Oh, that sounds delicious.

- Yeah, no can do. He's watching his carbs.

- [Bobby] Oh...

- See you later, guys.

- Thank you.

(crowd chattering)

(gentle suspenseful music)

Thanks for your time,

folks. I appreciate it.

Hey, so what'd you think?

- Man, why'd you turn down pizza?

- I mean about Bobby and Sarah.

- Oh, Bobby, man. He

definitely had a stench about him.

And it wasn't the onions.

And Sarah, she was definitely on the edge.

- I agree.

Hey, maybe we should

put a tail out on Sticky,

Kenny or whatever his name is.

- Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.

- All right.

(gentle suspenseful music)

(cell phone buzzing)

- Hey, Marcos.

- Hey, Sally.

I need you to dig up whatever

you can on uh, Kenny Rogers.

- Kenny Rogers?

- Hey, Sally. Jack here.

Kenny Rogers is the

name of that delivery guy.

You know, from the video.

- Well, with a name like that,

you think he'd know when

to walk away. (laughs)

- Wow.

- She's a real keeper.

- Focus on the case. (laughs)

- What are we gonna do now, Bobby?

The cops are way too close

on us now because of Sticky.

- Yeah, don't worry about

it. I got it, babe, okay?

- Oh, you got it?

- Yeah, yeah, I got it. Okay?

- Oh, yeah.

- Just gimme a sec. Geez.

(phone dialing) (crowd chattering)

(phone chiming) (TV blaring)

- What's up, Bobby?

- Hey, don't come into work today.

- Why? What's popping?

- The cops were just in

here asking about you.

You're not going

extracurricular on us, are you?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- They said that there was a

robbery in your neighborhood

on a night where we didn't schedule a pick.

- Okay, but it wasn't me.

Wait, are you ratting me out, Bobby?

- What? No, why would I rat you out?

- What did you tell the cops?

- Bro, calm down. I didn't

tell them anything, okay?

We're gonna have an

emergency meeting tonight

at 11:00, okay?

Be there.

- Yeah.

(tense suspenseful music) (TV blaring)

- Uh, I got something here, fellas.

It looks like Sticky had

several shoplifting convictions

when he was younger,

and he did a good amount of time in juvie.

- I guess that's how he

got his nickname Sticky.

- Is there a home address?

- Let's see. Last known address.

Uh, it's a house.

I'll, I'll check to see

if he still lives there.

- Go ahead send us his

latest mugshot too, will you?

- Yeah. You got it.

- Hey, while you're at it,

can you see what you can find

on a Bobby Bishop and a uh, Sarah Watson?

- Oh, you think they're involved?

- There's two things I

don't trust. Stairs and liars.

- Oh, boy.

- And why is that?

- Because they're always

up to something. (laughs)

- (laughs) Yeah, that's

a, that's a good one.

- Looks like it's gonna be

another long night for us, partner.

- Oh, you know what Ricky Martin says

when he's drinking coffee?

- What's that?

- Living la vida mocha. (laughs)

- Oh, my God.

(bright whimsical music) (car whooshing)

(bright upbeat music)

- I was on this bad date

with uh, this one guy.

I'll just call him (indistinct), and...

(indistinct)

- Thank you.

- Here comes your

girlfriend, and right on time.

(cars whooshing)

See, partner. She's reliable.

- Can we just focus on the restaurant?

(packaging rustling)

- Hey, can I have one of those?

- You know you can't be eating this stuff.

- How about for an almond?

- Focus.

- How about some huevos?

- Focus.

(indistinct)

- I would like to place

an order to go please.

- All right, what are we gonna do?

- I would like the scuba

bacon cheeseburger please.

- Scuba bacon cheeseburger. Okay.

To go, we can get that out

in about 15 to 20 minutes.

That gonna be okay?

- Sounds good.

- Perfect.

Lemme give you this number here.

We'll have that right out for you.

- All right. Thank you.

- Of course.

(crowd chattering) (bright upbeat music)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I am going to have an Aiden Supreme.

- Aiden Supreme.

- I heard it was the best.

- Well, you heard correctly.

- Mm-hm.

- You want that for here or to go?

- Let's do it here.

- All right.

(bright upbeat music continues)

(traffic bustling)

I'm pushing hard

against the tides of time

So I can see you cross the line

- Here you go, ma'am. There you go.

- Thank you.

- Get you anything else?

- Nope. That'll be it.

- Nope.

All right.

- Thank you.

(Sally sighs) (bright upbeat music)

(traffic bustling)

(crowd chattering)

(bell dinging)

(object rustling) (traffic bustling)

(bright gentle music) (crowd chattering)

(baby cooing)

- Yeah, I'm starting to get

some looks from the manager.

You think we got a no show here?

- Yeah, go ahead and get outta there.

- Okay. Got it.

And uh, let me know when

you're ready for our dinner.

- Will do.

- You got a girlfriend.

- All right, old man.

(Jack laughs)

Marcus and Sally sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes the love

Then comes marriage

- How much coffee have you had?

Then comes a baby and a baby carriage

(bright whimsical music) (tin rattling)

- You're cut off.

- Come on, man. You

know I ain't no lightweight.

- You have anymore coffee,

you're gonna end up crashing.

- I'm fine.

You're the one that needs a little coffee

or maybe some Red Bull.

- I don't fall asleep on the job.

- Yeah, right. (laughs)

(gentle whimsical music)

(Marcos snoring) (tense suspenseful music)

So much for not sleeping on the job.

(gentle suspenseful music)

(Marcos snoring)

(plastic rustling)

(gentle whimsical music)

(plastic rustling)

(Marcos snoring) (gentle whimsical music)

(plastic rustling) (bright whimsical music)

(plastic rustling)

(Marcos gasps)

(bright whimsical music continues)

(plastic rustling)

(Marcos stirring)

(bright whimsical music continues)

(plastic rustling)

(bright whimsical music continues)

- What are you doing?

(sighs) Hey, looks like

they're on the move.

(bell dinging)

- Just shy of 9:30. Sticky's a no show.

Guess he called in sick.

- No. Maybe they tipped him off.

You wanna follow the love birds?

- Nah, neither had any priors.

I think they're just covering for him.

(indistinct)

- Yeah, you're probably right.

You wanna call it a night?

- Works for me.

- All right.

(car engine starting)

(tense ominous music)

- [Bobby] Now, this

little guy is worth $20,000.

- [Sarah] We're pulling in about 14,000.

That's about two grand each.

(voice echoing)

- [Sticky] That doesn't make any sense.

You said the Beanie Baby

was worth $20,000 by itself.

(objects clattering)

- [Sarah] It's just that

specific Beanie Baby is

such a rare find.

They've only made 10 of them.

(voice echoing)

- [Bobby] Y'all can take a

vote, that's fine with me.

But if you decide to sell it, then I'm out.

You're on your own. $20,000.

(voice echoing) (objects clattering)

(tense ominous music continues)

(insects chirping)

(keys rattling)

(tense ominous music continues)

(tense ominous music continues)

(footsteps pattering)

(group whispering)

- What's going on, guys?

- I was just telling the guys

our season's officially over thanks to you.

- Yeah, thanks a lot, Sticky.

- Shut up, Ralph. I didn't do anything.

- Yeah, right. 'Cause of you

the cops are on to us, man.

- This is your last cut.

- No, come on, Bobby. You can't do this.

- No, it's already done.

You're off the team.

(Sticky muttering)

- No, I'm the one who

gets to decide when it's over.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, man.

What are you doing?

- Sticky. Put down that g*n.

- [Ralph] Come on, man, don't do anything-

- Shut your face, Ralph.

- Oh, my God.

- Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

That's far enough, man.

- Hey, come on, Sticky.

We're all friends here.

- Are we? Are you serious, man?

You all betrayed me.

- That's not true.

- I don't wanna hear it!

You ratted me out.

(tense ominous music)

Put all the money in that box.

- Man...

- Okay.

(tense ominous music continues)

Sticky, just put down the g*n

and we can forget

about all this, all right?

- Can we, Bobby?

I'm getting real sick and tired

of you telling me what to do.

- Sticky, this doesn't sound like you.

- You don't know me!

None of you know what I've been through.

- Just put your money in the box.

Just put your money in the box!

- All right, all right, all right. Here.

(tense ominous music continues)

(g*n clicking)

- There. You satisfied?

- I want what's in the

safe and the Beanie Babies.

- Sticky, look, you won, okay?

But you gotta leave us with something.

Wait, Sticky!

- Go to the safe or I sh**t her.

- Sticky, please, man.

- Bobby! (g*nshots booming)

- Sticky! Sticky, okay, okay.

(Ralph grunting) (tense ominous music)

(safe beeping and whirring)

(safe chimes)

(Ralph whimpering)

- In the box.

(tense ominous music continues)

Now your season's over.

(footsteps pattering)

(tense pensive music)

(boxes clattering)

(footsteps pattering)

(door thudding)

(Sarah gasps) (Bobby screams)

(keyboard clacking)

- What are you eating?

- Tamales. You want some?

- Where'd you get 'em?

- The store.

- No thanks.

- Are you sure? There's

plenty to go around.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

I only eat real tamales

and those just don't cut it.

You might as well have brought a

sandwich, 'cause those smell like butt.

(keyboard clacking) (coworker groans)

(alert chimes)

- No way.

- It cannot be this easy.

(cell phone buzzing) (Jack stirring)

- Who on earth would be

calling at this time of night?

(television actors chattering)

- It's probably about the

case, baby. It's Marcus.

(television actors chattering)

- So you don't have

time for us tonight, huh?

You know it's a family

tradition to sit down

and watch "It's a Wonderful Life."

- [Marcos] Maria, I-

- Oh, I don't want to hear it, Marcos.

I told you about tonight a week ago.

And if you do this on

Navidad, you are going

to get more than a lump

of coal in your stocking.

- [Marcos] I'm sorry, sis.

Something important has come up.

Can you put Jack on?

- Oh, fine. I don't want

to talk to you anyway.

(Maria grunts)

(Maria speaking Spanish)

Marcos, never listens.

- Hey, buddy. What's up?

(indistinct)

- Listen, we got a hit

on the Beanie Babies.

Computer geeks traced

the PP and got an address.

- That's an IP address.

- [Jack] Ah, is that a

certain Sally I hear with you?

- Yeah, well, yeah. I mean,

we're going through the case.

- [Jack] Going over

the case at nine o'clock?

- Just be ready. We're gonna

pick you up in 15 minutes.

- I'll be ready.

(television noises)

(Maria speaking Spanish)

Where are you going?

- [Actor] Doesn't get in a

situation like this every day.

- [Marcos] Sorry, babe.

- [Actor 2] I thought you had my robe.

- [Actor] Not in Bedford Falls, anyway.

(Maria speaking Spanish) Always Marcos.

- Sorry to cut the date short.

- You said date.

- I did?

- Yeah, you did.

- Well, I guess I'll make it up to you.

(sirens wailing) (tense suspenseful music)

(Sticky grunting and panting)

(tense suspenseful music continues)

- Cover the perimeter.

(officer answers indistinctly)

(footsteps rustling)

(tense suspenseful music continues)

(police radio chattering) (Sticky panting)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(police radio chattering)

(Sticky gasps)

(police radio chattering indistinctly)

- Looks like we're at the right place.

(police radio chattering)

(tense suspenseful music)

(police radio crackling) (Sticky panting)

(door knocking)

(door banging and creaking)

(door slams) (tense ambient music)

(tense ominous music)

(footsteps pattering)

(tense ominous music continues)

(footsteps pattering)

(door creaking)

(g*n clicking)

(curtain whooshing) (footsteps pattering)

(tense ominous music continues)

(Jack panting)

(footsteps pattering)

- Bedroom all clear.

- Hold on.

Sticky.

We know you're still here, bud.

(tense suspenseful music)

(footsteps pattering)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(g*nshots booming)

- [Officer] g*n fired!

(dog barking) (insects chirping)

(cars whooshing)

(pen scrawling)

- How was your evening, mi amor?

(gentle pensive music)

- Not good.

- What happened?

- I shot a kid

and over a stupid stuffed animal. (panting)

He's all right now, but...

- Oh, Jack.

I'm sorry.

You are a good papa and Grandpa,

and husband.

(Maria speaking Spanish) With a big heart.

That is why I love you so much. (sniffling)

(gentle pensive music)

- If he had just come

out when we called him,

instead of hiding under the bed.

I guess that makes him

the coward of the county.

(bright upbeat music)

- What?

(suitcase thuds)

- Sears. 1973.

(suitcase thuds)

'74.

- Don't speak until we speak to you.

- Ooh. Scared.

- You definitely should be.

- All right. I got this.

All right, we know you

didn't do all those jobs alone.

- Why? You don't think I'm smart enough?

- Well that, and we suspect

one of your coworkers

from the pizza joint.

- That, and you can't

be in two places at once.

- Look, I already confessed.

What more do you want from me?

- Son, you're all out of aces here.

The best thing you can do is cooperate,

and maybe we'll cut you a deal.

- I ain't your son.

Besides, you freaking shot me.

(table slamming)

- All right.

(Marcos seething)

- Whatever. Whatever. (sighs)

Even if I knew something, not saying I do,

because I'm not an

idiot, I ain't no snitch.

- Where's the stuff you stole, Kenny?

- Goodwill. Great organization.

- Okay, I see. You

think you're a tough guy.

Well, with your record,

you'll be doing 20 easy,

then we'll see how tough you are.

- I ain't got no record, pig.

- Watch your mouth, boy.

You watch your mouth.

- Maybe a night in our holding

cell will change your tune.

- Depends. What kind of tunes you guys got?

- [Sarah] Yeah, we're all set here.

- 1974. That's what it is.

(gentle pensive music)

- Well, I guess the mayor's gonna have

to wait a little longer for you.

- What do we have here?

Hey, buddy. You missing a package?

- Well, yeah. Still waiting

on Maria's Christmas gift.

- Think you're in luck.

- Yeah, that's the

company I ordered it from.

That's weird.

- What?

- Doesn't look like it's been shipped.

Pull up, uh, that Santa's

Texas Workshop website.

(gentle whimsical

music) (keyboard clacking)

- You know what?

I bet our guys can track

the EP address from this site.

- (laughs) It's called...

Never mind.

- You know, let, let's

compare a list of stolen items

with the website and see what we find.

(sirens wailing)

(car engine revving)

(tense suspenseful music)

(feet shuffling)

(tense suspenseful music continues)

- Clear.

(door rattling)

(footsteps pattering)

(tense suspenseful music)

Clear.

- Clear.

(tense ominous music)

Clear.

- [Sally] Clear.

(tense ominous music continues)

(footsteps pattering)

(footsteps shuffling)

(tense ominous music continues)

- Dang it. It seems like they're always

one step ahead of us, man.

- Not over yet. We still got the PO box.

Should have something on that tomorrow.

(drone buzzing)

- Oh, heck no.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Not again.

(tense suspenseful music)

(drone whooshing)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

- Just keep this on the down low.

- Yeah, we don't need the office knowing

we just got outsmarted by a toy.

- Technically they're (indistinct)

- Oh, man.

- Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

- (sighs) Stupid drone.

(dramatic suspenseful

music) (drone whooshing)

(drone buzzing)

- Ah, got it. (sighs)

- [Bobby] There we go.

- Perfect.

- Good idea flagging the

police station's IP address, babe.

- Ah, I mean, after the

last little run in we had

with the cops, figured

it wasn't a bad idea.

- Well, as long as Sticky doesn't talk,

we'll be in the clear.

- I mean, the only thing we have left

to worry about is the PO Box.

But good luck finding

Santa at the North Pole.

(Bobby laughs)

- Go, go, go, go, go, go.

- Yeah!

- [Friend] Woo-hoo, woo-hoo!

- Come on, get 'em.

- Hello, hello?

(speaking Spanish)

- Marcos. What a surprise.

- [Child] Uncle Marcos, Marcos!

- Uncle!

- Hey. Grab these, grab these, buddy.

Hey, sweetie.

- Oh, come on.

Come on, Grace.

(speaking Spanish) What a surprise.

Little sister.

- How are you?

- Oh, I'm fine, fine.

- You look real good.

- So uh, this must be the

senorita I've been hearing

so much about from Jack.

- This is Sally.

- That's me.

It's uh...

- Sally, this is my sister.

- It's a pleasure to

finally meet you, Maria.

(Maria speaking Spanish) Nice to meet you.

- Uncle Marcos, can we open our presents now?

- I mean, you gotta ask Mom.

- Not until Christmas, honey.

- Come on, Mom. Just one?

- I have a better idea.

Let's see if you two can

find the Christmas pickles

that I have hidden in the tree.

If you find them, you

will get a special gift.

(indistinct)

- [Maria] They hidden.

- [Grace] We will see about that Hunter.

(bright whimsical music)

- Ah! Good. (squealing)

- I found it.

- Hold on. Ah, this one.

There.

- You're getting close. Keep looking.

(group chattering)

- [Maria] Very special.

- [Grace] I see it.

- [Maria] Wait, wait, wait,

wait. Let me get it for you.

- Hey, can I see that package, please?

- Yeah, you can see it.

- Let's open it, let's

open it, let's open it.

(bright whimsical music continues)

- [Jack] It's got your name and everything.

- Those pickles turned out to be popular.

- Tell me about it.

I wish I would've been picked

for the so-called Secret Santa.

- Ah, don't worry, sweetie.

Santa took very good

care of you too this year.

- Ah, thanks, Ma.

- [Maria] Yeah. (laughs)

- So, Marcos, how long have you

and Sally been seeing each other?

- Oh, we're, we're taking things slowly.

- Ah, I see.

- [Mayor] Yes, there was a

box of glass Christmas pickles

I ordered for my staff.

- Oh, gosh. I've served

what, 10 years so far?

- 10 years of a life sentence, Mister.

(group laughing)

- What is it, Marcos?

- Hey, sis.

Did you purchase that glass pickle

from the same website you shared with Jack?

(Maria speaking Spanish) Yes, why?

- What are the odds of

the whole group having

that exact glass pickle?

- Who feels like pizza?

- I'll drive.

- Where do you all think

you're going? It's Christmas Eve.

- Crime doesn't take a holiday, sis.

- Don't worry, Maria. I

promise this won't take long.

(Maria groans)

- It's okay, Mom. It's okay.

(Maria groans)

- I can't believe we lost the warehouse.

- Yeah, do you really

think Sticky ratted us out?

- Maybe. Dude pretty much

just looks out for himself.

So wouldn't surprise me.

- Guys, it's not a big deal.

We covered our tracks

pretty good. We should be fine.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we still need to way low. All right?

Give us time to think about moving

our operation to another state next year.

- Well...

- As long it's not the East coast,

'cause you know, I don't

like the cold weather.

(sirens wailing) (tires screeching)

- Yo, there's cops! Go, go, go.

- [Bobby] Go out the back. Out the back.

- [Ralph] Go, go, go. Move this.

- [Bobby] Go, go, go, go, go.

- Freeze!

- Freeze!

- Dang it.

(sirens wailing) (tense suspenseful music)

- Got you this time.

- Follow your buddy here.

Get down on your knees right now.

Let's go.

- Fine.

- Let's go.

- Fine, fine.

- Go on, do it.

- Okay.

- Get him outta here.

(gentle whimsical music) (insects chirping)

- Not bad for your first case, Detective.

- I'm just glad you were

able to keep up with me.

- (laughs) Good one.

- Let's get out of here. It's cold.

- Yeah.

(tense energetic music)

- Merry Christmas, East Texas.

And a bit of a Christmas miracle last night

as Santa Claus was arrested.

Not the one you're thinking about.

These are the ones who

were dressing up as pirates

and stealing packages off of your porches.

They were arrested and

charged with the theft

of over $60,000 worth of packages.

For the time being, it seems these guys are

on Santa's naughty list.

- Mom, Dad, wake up.

- Oh, Gracie.

- Santa came!

- (grunts) Just give us, like,

five more minutes, sweetie.

- Yeah, honey.

- Oh...

- Oh, okay.

- No, now, Dad.

Mom.

- Okay, sweetie.

- Hunter's already trying

to open the presents.

- What?

- No, I'm not.

- Okay, okay. Come on, sweetie.

I'll get the coffee started.

All right, I'm coming.

- I'm coming. (grunts)

Five more minutes.

(bright gentle music)

Holly hanging cross the door

Neighbors singing tales of yore

It's so close

Hardly can wait

Waking up on Christmas

Children dreaming

Without a care

'Tis the season

Most everywhere

So come home

There's no better place

Waking up on Christmas Day

Grab your stocking

Above the fire

Bells are rocking

To the choir

No, nothing

Else is the same

Waking up on Christmas Day

Whoa

- Merry Christmas, Jenny.

(bright gentle music continues)

Mm waking up on Christmas day

Tinsel wrapped around the tree

Snowflakes dancing

In the street

Presents tied up

With a string

For you

And me

So grab your stocking

Above the fire

- Right on time.

Bells are rocking

To the choir

- Hi.

- Hey.

No, nothing

Else is the same

- Thank you.

Waking up on Christmas Day

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Well, you clean up real nice, Detective.

- Oh, likewise.

- Thanks.

(Sally laughs)

I have something for you.

- You do?

- Yeah.

A little something.

- For me?

- It's for you.

- (laughs) What could this be?

Oh, my goodness. Mystic.

(Marcos chuckles)

How did you...

- I figured the mayor owed me one,

and I saw how you lit up at the thing.

- Thank you, Marcos.

- You're welcome.

(bright gentle music)

- Wow. Well, that's what I call a peso.

- Beso (kiss). Y-you said you, you said peso (weight).

You mean beso (kiss). (laughs)

Did you learn your Spanish at A&M?

- Stop it. (Marcos chuckles)

(group chattering)

- Okay.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Yes.

- Here we are.

- Yes, these are her famous tamales.

Oh, my gosh.

- Let's get this party going.

- Emily and Maria, you've

really outdone yourself.

Oh, this looks delicious.

- Oh, gracias.

- Ah, you're welcome.

- I helped too.

- You did?

- Yes, you did, sweetie.

- And what was your

favorite part about helping?

- The masa. It's like Play-Doh.

(group laughing)

- Let's stop talking and start eating.

- Not before grace.

- Hear that, Hunter? I get to eat first.

- Stop it.

- She's a riot.

- She sure is.

- Please,

please, don't encourage her. (laughs)

- Hey, Jack, if you don't mind,

I think I'd like to say

the blessing this time.

- Lead the way, partner.

- Lord, thank You for my beautiful family

and for bringing Sally into my life.

And for the wonderful

Christmas message shared

by Father Joseph to remind us of the hope

that You bring into all of our lives.

And Father, before we

dig into this incredible meal,

I wanna give a special

thanks for my sister Maria,

who's always willing and definitely ready

to pop me upside the head with her chancla

anytime she sees fit and

when I need it the most.

Amen.

- [Group] Amen.

- Y'all ready to dig in or what?

- [Group] Yes.

(group chattering and laughing)

Oh

(bright gentle music)

Oh

It came upon

A midnight clear

That glorious song

Of old

From voices waiting

Near the earth

To touch

Our harps of gold

Oh

Oh

Oh

(tense eerie music)

(tense energetic music)

(tense energetic music continues)

(tense eerie music)

(tense eerie music continues)

(film reel clicking)