01x05 - Man Mess

[bunniefuu]

CHILDREN CHATTER

You need to think very carefully
about where you take your kids.

The soft play in town, for example,
is absolutely disgusting.

How disgusting?

I once found a very small,
very dead octopus in the ball pit.

Jesus! Whereas this place...

..full of rich wankers
and their rich w*nk*r kids.

Hah! Limp twat doesn't stand
a chance against my two.

Hey. You can't talk about
someone else's child like that.

Even if they are dressed like
a member of the Hitler Youth.

Excuse me. Your children
are throwing things at Berty.

Aww, poor Berty.

No, Berty's my son.

Oh.

And now they've tricked him
into eating Play-Doh!

That is a criminal offence.

Oh... I don't think it is, actually.

So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah?
Everything OK?

Ben?

sh*t.

You know her, Ben?

Yep. Er, we know each other
through work.

Yes! Gemma was involved in
the takeover.

I don't recall you being mentioned.
What was your role?

I was the getaway driver.

HE LAUGHS

Er, Gemma was partnered
with Sebastian Ford.

Oh. You worked with Seb?

Well, that must have been
so difficult for you.

Oof. Well, let me tell you...

Gemma, it has been so great
to see you again.

CHILD: Mummy!
Oh, excuse me, please.

Darling, what's happened?

Yeah, it's great to see you too,
Ben.

It's been what, eight months?

Holy sh*t!

We should exchange contact details.

No, we really don't have to.

For God's sake, Ben.
He's covered in juice, again!

Well, it's your turn
to clean him up.

SHE MIMICS HIM
WHISPERS: c*cksucker.

Come on...

Er, can we just...?

One sec. OK.

f*cking put that down!
It's not your dog! Er, so...

..is it mine? Yes.
Congratulations.

I finished in the sink!

Look, please, please just don't say
anything to Allegra, just for now.

Like, do you want money?

I can PayPal you money right now.
Piss off!

Sorry! I just...

It's a lot.

Mm.

Can I have your number?

Fine.

Mummy wants us to pop by.
If you think you can get

the Defender up her driveway
without hitting anything this time.

Well, good luck with the baby

and, erm, give our regards to Seb!
Will do.

Come on, Berty, this way.
Can you open the door, please?

Is kissing him
like getting off with a giraffe?

That's the first question
you want to ask me?

So what are you going to do?

Nothing!

Ugh! God, he's a liar and a cheat,

and judging by the size of
that baby he was holding,

Allegra was very pregnant
when we...met.

Where did you meet him?

In a toilet.

Oh, romantic.

I mean, there's no way
I'll hear from him again.

PHONE VIBRATES

It's Ben.
He says he wants to talk.

Malcolm, what the f*ck is this?

I got those from the charity shop.

They're DVDs I used to watch with
the girls when they were little.

Ballykissangel? Boring.

Grey's Anatomy? Boring.

Lovejoy? Fantastic!

The Shining?

Yeah. It's about a little boy,
isn't it?

Yeah, whose dad tries to m*rder him
with an axe.

Malcolm, you watched this
with your kids? Yeah.

Wednesday night was film night.

HE LAUGHS

Why don't you just dig out
your actual DVDs?

Davina gave them away
to the cat shelter

when she got rid of the house.

You know, not for the cats
to watch, obviously.

Because they just watch snooker,
don't they?

Wait. Your ex-wife gave away
all your stuff?

Well, she left some of the girls'
stuff up in the loft.

You know, baby photos and toys,
and stuff like that.

I was supposed to go round
and collect them but I just, er...

I couldn't.
Dad, this box was outside the flat.

Which I guess means you haven't
asked Baris to fix the intercom yet.

Look! Got these DVDs for the baby!

No. My baby's not watching
The Shining.

That's why Catherine's so messed up.

Ooh, speak of the devil.

I know you find aggressive women
terrifying,

but you need to go and visit her.
Not this again.

Look, I don't like going either,
but at least take her

a Christmas present.
A big Toblerone or something?

Look, I got this for you.
Well, for the little one.

Will you stop buying random crap and
just do the stuff I ask you to do?

Er, now, Gemma, I do think you're
being a bit tough on Malcolm here.

I'm just saying, you know, I know
how hard it is being pregnant.

Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh.

Is your bladder
the side of a peanut?

Does your pelvis feel like
it's going to snap in half?

Are your t*ts so swollen

it's like two kettlebells
are strapped to your chest?

No. But I do remember
what a massive b*tch my wife was.

Look at this!
I got all this for a fiver off eBay.

Look!
SHE SIGHS

Yeah, just once round
in the washing machine

and give 'em a bit of a scrub
and they'll be fine. Oh, Dad...

Just pop 'em in here.

THEY RETCH

Ugh!

Thank you for agreeing to meet me.

I'm not going to tell her,
by the way.

That's very decent of you.

I'm not trying to be decent.

I just don't need the drama of
blowing up someone else's life.

So Allegra is your girlfriend?

Wife.

No ring?

Well, my grandfather was degloved
aboard The Prince of Wales.

Degloved?

Degloved is when
the ring is caught and..

and the skin is sort of
pulled off the flesh.

Gristle and bone. Mm-hm. Well, none
of the men in my family wear one.

It's kind of like a fun family
tradition slash horrible obsession.

Wow!
I was going to ask if there were

any hereditary illnesses
I needed to know about,

but I didn't expect to hear
about fingers being torn off.

It's not the whole fingers.
Just the skin. Oh, course.

So I thought you might like
to see these.

Just to give you some sort of
indication of what you're carrying.

That is such a weird way
of putting it, thank you.

God, Berty looks nothing like you.

He... He's all Allegra.

She has very strong genes.

Whoa. Big house.

Yeah. Or too big. I mean, I once
nearly starved to death

playing a game of hide and seek.

Took days to find me.

SHE LAUGHS

Taxi!

Oh... Thank you.

Well, that was the best £45
bowl of pasta I've ever had.

Oh, it's the least I could do.

Yeah, considering
the next 18 years are on me.

Well, maybe I can send you
some items to help? Er...

Clothes? Pram? A nanny?

It's a joke.

It's technically people trafficking,
so...

Give me your phone. Sure.

Sorry.

My address.

Inanimate objects only. OK.

I'll let you know when the baby
arrives. Yeah, that'd be...great.

Thank you. Thanks.
You can keep the coat.

Oh! No, that was a joke.

It's quite cold. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. See you.
See you.

Oh, how was the film?

Yeah, better than I was expecting.
Good.

Dad, have you got any baby photos
of me and Catherine?

Oh...no. I didn't take much with me,
you know,

after I found your mum humping that
guy who sold sponges door-to-door.

OK. Hey, but I...
I know where they are, though.

They're up in the loft
of the old house.

I could pop round and get them.

I'm sure the people
who've moved in won't mind.

That's OK...

HE KNOCKS

What? Kenny Tugger?
Malcolm Moscrip.

You bought this house from me.

Well, not from me, no,
from Davina, from my wife.

I mean, you would have dealt
with my wife, you see. Mum!

Wait a minute!

Oh. This one said
he used to own the house. Yeah.

Er, I don't think my wife cleared
out the loft before you moved in.

We f*cking know she didn't.

People who sell houses and leave
loads of sh*t in the loft are scum.

You...are scum.

Yeah. I couldn't go up
and get some boxes, could I?

No! Piss off!

And get your f*cking mail
redirected.

Oh, Jesus!

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, come on. No, no.
They just...

They just need a bit of
elbow grease, don't they?

They'll be as good as new.

Dad, have you arranged a date
to visit Catherine yet?

It's not going to be as scary
as you think it is.

I'm not scared of seeing
my own daughter, Gemma. OK.

DOOR BUZZER

Hello?

STATIC CRACKLES
Dad!

Oh, yeah. It's on...
It's on my list, sorry.

f*ck' 'ell...

I can't stop thinking about you.

Did your wife forget to
pack your umbrella?

Dad?

Hey, hey. Ta-da!
HE LAUGHS

Obviously we'll sew it
before we put the sprog in it.

The staples are just
for demonstration.

Good, eh? Yeah.

Er, Ben... Hi.
..this is my dad, Malcolm.

Dad, this is Ben. Yeah.

He's the baby's father.

Yes.

Er, it's a...

It's a pleasure to meet you,
Malcolm. Yeah.

Would you like some kitchen roll
for your hair?

Er...yeah.

Yes, thank you.

Well...

Please, just try and be
a bit less weird. What do you mean?

Kitchen roll for his hair?

Well, he was wet,
and this is super absorbent.

I can go if it's a bad time?

No. No. OK, good.

Cos I'm... I'm quite cold.

It's nice to finally meet

one of your boyfriends, eh, Gemma?
He's not my boyfriend.

I don't suppose you've got a spare
jumper I could borrow, do you?

Er, yeah, Dad'll have one. Yes.

Yes, I'll endeavour to find one.
Great.

Endeavour?!

That's good for him.

Want these? Oh, yeah.
Thanks. Cheers.

Er, the nursery looks...

Looks lovely. Mm.

Yeah, my dad decorated it.

He lives with me, by the way.
Right.

You probably gathered. Yes.

Looks great. Thank you.

Yeah, my mum left
and neither of us can afford...

Here we go. Ooh! No, keep going.
I'll just pop these on the bed.

Thank you.

Good? Yeah.

I made them myself. Yesterday.

I mean, they've been in the fridge
but, erm,

I find that's more to my taste.
Lovely.

Thanks, Dad.

Right, yeah.

You should probably go.
I should...

..but I really don't want to.

Plus, fridge spuds
are my favourite food.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah. I mean,
you can really taste the...

The fridge.

He sounds like a d*ck.

Eating your weird snack potatoes
without comment.

No, he was ever so nice, actually.
Oh, shut up about Ben!

We need to work out
how to get into your old loft. OK?

Two words.

Home. Invasion.

We smash in the front door
of your old place,

we tie up Agnes and Kenny
and we take...

We take what's rightfully yours.

Seems a bit extreme.

I thought you'd p*ssy out
of that one, Malc.

All right, backup plan.
Have you still got your door key?

Yeah. I couldn't bear
to give it back, so..

Oh, is that them?

Yeah. The ones who bought your gaff.

We let ourselves in
while they're out,

we grab the stuff from the loft
without the Tuggers even noticing.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, but there's quite a bit
of stuff,

so we're going to need
an extra pair of hands.

If you say that f*cking toilet, Ben,
I'm out.

So, er, before we go to the pub,

I thought you might like to see
the house Gemma grew up in?

Yeah. I want to know everything
about her.

You heard him, Malcolm.

He's well up for helping
with these boxes.

Er...what boxes?
No, look, come on.

I mean, yeah, he has some baggage,

but with Ben it's more like
a shipping container

that's got a wife, five kids
and a Chihuahua in it.

Sorry...five kids?!

Yeah. The older three
are at boarding school.

Do you think he's got a thing
for pregnant women?

I'm not going to go into details,

but he's certainly not
put off by it.

Lovely, really. Sh! In you go.

Sorry... In here.

Why have you got torches?
I mean, should I have a torch?

Hey! You don't get a torch!

Aww, that's where Gemma had
her first little Wendy house.

Oh, look! Oh, God, and that's where
she lost her first tooth.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, that's a shame - they've
taken down the stone cladding.

It took me ages to put that up.
Tasteless arseholes.

Now f*ck Kenny Tugger
and his wh*re mother Agnes.

Er...do other people live here now?
The Tuggers. The Tuggers.

Do they know you're in their house?
Of course not. Duh.

Otherwise they'd call the police,
wouldn't they?

Whoa. Not so fast, matey.
You're an accessory now.

Oh, my God! I'm part of a burglary!

No, it'll be fine as long as
we don't move or break anything.

OBJECTS SMASH
What did he f*cking just say,

you giant bellend?
I'm sorry!

THEY SCREAM

Oh, sh*t!

Wha...wha...what should I do?

I mean, do WE pull it out
or leave it in?

Bit late for that conversation,
eh, Malcolm? Shut up!

I hope your DNA's
not on a register somewhere.

OK, look, brace yourself, all right?

After three. One, two...

MALCOLM SCREAMS

OK. OK. Oh, my God!

Argh! You're bleeding.
You're bleeding. Just hold it up.

No, you're bleeding. It's dripping!
Hold it up. Don't bleed everywhere.

Hold it. Let's be quick. Quick now.

Quick. Come on. Come on.
Up the stairs.

Go get those boxes. Come on.
Up, up, up, up, up!

Sorry, you can't have
a relationship with him.

He's got a family!

And a really sh*t dog.

It's actually a very cute dog.

And that's his choice to make,
not mine, and certainly not yours.

What is he, like,
ten years older than you?

I just think it's a bit sordid,
that's all.



And it's the best offer
I've had so far. Oh, cool.

So you're happy to tear
a family apart, are you?

God, I'm trying to build a family.

With the father of my child.

I, er...

I just didn't think
that's who you were, that's all.

SHE SCOFFS

Get the f*ck out.

Seriously, f*ck off.

Fine.

Wow.

What the hell was all that about?

Oh, come on, babe, you must know.

f*ck off!

Oh, hey! Look at this! Ow!

It's just how I left it.

Oh, my "man corner." Oh...

Oh, God. Ben, come here.

Let me give you a little bit
of advice. Yeah?

There's going to be times
when it all gets a bit too much.

Especially if you and Gemma
go on and have more sprogs.

More? I don't think...

Being a dad, it's amazing,

but also f*cking awful.

Sometimes the misery just
gets into your bones, you know?

And when that happens,
you're going to need a little corner

where you can take yourself off
and just block it all out, you know?

Right. A little space in the loft,

with a dog bed,
and just lie down and...

..hide.

Yeah, you're better off
getting yourself

a little man bucket
for your man mess.

Don't worry. I've emptied that
before I moved out. What? Oh...

I think.

Yeah.

Oh, look, there he is.

Ha-ha! I put Mr T up there.

To give me some inspiration.

Fun fact about Mr T,
I thought he died of bowel cancer.

How is that a fun fact?

Do you want me to throw you
through the f*cking loft hatch?!

No, I...
DOOR CREAKS, VOICES

Shite!

Pull that up!
Quick, get that up! f*ck!

Help him get that up.

Oh, sh*t!

sh*t! OK. If they do come up,

I've just found this extra-strong
piece of garden twine.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Dad?

Oh, hi, Gemma.
Why are you whispering?

We're stuck in the loft
of the old house.

Me, Derek and Ben.

What? I tell you to not be weird
and that's where you end up?

f*ck's sake! I was trying to get
some old photographs,

but the Tuggers, they wouldn't
let me in. The Tuggers?

The massive A-holes
who bought the house. Sh!

But, look, they've come home early
and we're trapped.

Wait. Wait. Slow down.

So you, Derek and Ben
are in the old loft

and the new owners don't know
you're up there? No.

Well, I don't think so, but...

..Ben did bleed a lot
in the front room, so who knows?

What?! Is he OK?! Yeah, yeah.
He's a big lad, isn't he?

So he probably had more blood
than most of us in the first place,

so he can afford to lose
a drop or two.

Look, do you think we're in trouble?

For breaking into someone's house,

bleeding all over their carpets
and stealing things from their loft?

Yeah. That's on the criminal side
of things.

Erm, OK.

Wait there. Do not make a sound.
I'm coming over.

Oh, thanks, Gemma. Thanks.

She's coming round.
She's coming round.

Oh, Mr T...

Are you sure this is going to work?
I hope so.

I can't deal with Dad and Ben
being in prison too.

Make some labour noises, then!

SHE GROANS
Yeah, that's it.

Oh, my God, my friend's
gone into labour!

Why's she on my drive?
That's trespassing.

Cos she's having a baby!
Not on my drive, she isn't.

I don't want any of that...
That muck on my drive.

It'll attract the foxes. Hey, hey,
hey, hey! What's going on here?

Silly bint's having a baby
on our drive.

I said to her,
it'll bring the foxes out.

Kenny Tugger, you little rotter!

Come on, lovey.
Let me get you inside.

No, no. I've always wanted
a gravel birth.

So maybe you guys
could stay outside instead?

Want me to get the stretcher,
Mum?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Go on.

No, no. I can walk, thank you.

Up you get.

Ooooh.

Argh.

Thank you. Oh, God...

Oh, dear.

Oh...

BREATHLESSLY: I'm having a panic
attack.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, you know what's supposed to be
good for a panic attack?

Breathing into a bag. OK.

Oh, God!

Hey! What are you doing?

GRUNTING

Behave yourself!
You're such a f*cking psycho!

GEMMA GROANS

What the f*ck has happened here?

THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS

Stop it! We should just leave him
here to die. Let him bleed out.

What is your f*cking problem?!

Derek! You're the f*cking problem.

You're not good enough for her!

MUFFLED SHOUTING

THEY GASP

Do you take PayPal, Kenny?

£6,000!

Mm. Yeah, and three stitches.

Honestly not the worst night out
I've ever had.

SHE LAUGHS

Plus I got to know Malcolm better.

Er...he is odd.

Er, but lovely.

Yeah, he is.

I mean, I'd rather not be
living with him. No.

He has been pretty great since...

Well... So, I made some calls...

..and there is a flat ready for you
next month, if you want it.

You can be settled by the time
the baby's born.

A flat? Yeah.

Well, I wanted it to be,
like, a surprise. Erm...

You don't have to pay a penny.

It's yours for as long
as you want it. Forever.

Where will you live?

I'd come there every other weekend.

Is that a bad thing? Gemma, look...

..Allegra takes the kids
to Switzerland

for six weeks in the summer,
so I'll be around loads then.

You'll be sick of the sight of me.

We can make it work!

With me as your bit on the side?

Oh, my God. I can't believe
I've been so f*cking stupid.

No, no, no, no.
What's stupid, Gemma,

is you staying in this poky flat,
with your Frankenstein baby clothes,

an intercom that doesn't work
and your dad.

Oh! So you think this - my life -
isn't good enough for your baby.

Well...

..no.

Look. You don't have to
do this alone, OK?

I'm not alone.

Gemma, I'm offering you a way out.

Right?

Don't be a stupid b*tch about it.

Hey, you! f*cking hell!

Don't talk to my daughter like that.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm.

I was a bit angry. No, I'd like you
to leave now, thanks, Ben.

Just leave, please. Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just...

What is wrong with you people?

Can you go, or I'll call Derek.
On your way.

Gemma, I care about you.

Go on. Come on. Out you go.
I'm going.

Yeah. Grab your coat,
sling your hook. Go on.

My wife is horrible!
Go on. On your way.

Gem?

Gem, are you all right?

It's all right. He's gone.
He's gone.

He's gone now.

You, erm...

You go and sit down, eh?

Go on. I'll make us a cup of tea.

Hey...

I knew he was married with kids

and I still pretended
it was going to work out.

It's probably for the best,
isn't it, eh? I mean, you know,

he would have wanted to call
the baby...

..Humphrey or something.

Oh, hey - hey, we haven't
looked at these yet, have we?

Look, some photies. Hey.

Oh, and look what I found, hey?

Your favourite.

Dolly Wiggins. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly.

Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad.

Did she?

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Malcolm. Be strong.

HE SOBS

I'm so sorry, Catherine.

I failed you as a father.

Oh, my God, Dad, you're being
so embarrassing.

Can you forgive me?
Yes, if you just shut up.

Well, I'm sorry.

I got you something.

Guess who I found?

Dolly Wiggins.

HE LAUGHS

That's amazing.

Thanks, Dad.

It's all right, my darling.

There's nothing in here.

Why the f*ck
would you bring this in

if there's no drugs in its head?

Oh!
HE GROANS