Babysitter, The : k*ller Queen (2020)

[bunniefuu]

I don't need a babysitter anymore.

- Hey, buddy. You OK?
- I... I just...

I thought...

High school is worse
than a near-death experience.

I can confidently tell you that because
I almost died five times in one night.

I faced my fears.

I conquered my demons. I...

I survived.

But she left no evidence.

And for the past two years,
nobody believes me.

- We didn't find anyone, kid.
- My name's Cole.

Cole, sorry. Are you sure
there was someone else in there?

There was when I drove into it.

Everyone assumed
that I made it all up. That I'm crazy.

You wanna know what the only thing
worse than being invisible is?

Not being invisible.

Toss this p*ssy
into the mental ward, guys.

It's my own fault.

I told everybody what happened. The...

dead cops, the blood,
the guy with no shirt for no reason.

I feel like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2,
trying to convince people robots are real.

But...

The worst part is...

I miss her.

I get it. I get it.
You're a weird little dude

with a crush on a murderous,
fictitious babysitter.

- Freshman year's hard for everybody.
- No, I...

I'm a junior.

- You're a junior?
- Yeah. I've been coming for three years.

- Your little punk-a*s a junior?
- Mm-hmm.

That settles it.
We just gotta get you laid.

- That's your advice?
- That's what the f*ck came out my mouth.

- Aren't you also the nurse?
- Yes! From eight till two, I'm the nurse.

Before that, I'm the guidance counselor.

I went to Cornell, m*therf*cker!
I'm a psychiatrist!

Why do you work here then?

Why you breaking my ba*ls? Why you...
I thought we were cool. We cool?

- Yeah.
- I thought we were boys.

Look, you're not my only student,
you know what I'm saying?

I got 27 other kids out there.

Some have gonorrhea, some of 'em
are more bipolar than Kanye West.

Some of 'em got chlamydia.

Yeast on your d*ck, gets in your mouth.
The sh*t gets in your eyes.

- So gross!
- In your f*cking eyes!

This is a herpes couch you sitting on.
Herpes everywhere on this thing.

You hear that? That's the bell.
That means it's eight o'clock.

Dr. Davis is checking out,
Big Carl's checking in.

- Time for your flu shot.
- What?

- Take a shot, or I'll kick some a*s.
- What? No! No, no!

p*ssy!

Loser.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey, Melanie.

- Hey, you good?
- Me? Yeah... No.

- I'm great, actually.
- OK.

- But you should tell your face.
- It's that obvious?

You were with me that night.
You saw what I saw, right?

- I mean, Bee, the cops, the blood...
- Cole...

You gotta help me out.

Didn't Dr. Davis say
not to talk about this stuff?

Big Carl talks a lot
about "prioritizing positive memories,"

like the time he saw Rihanna
at Outback Steakhouse.

Look,
that night you're talking about

had running and hiding,

but it also had kissing.

Maybe just remember the kissing.

You know?

Besides,
you're supposed to hate this place.

Any guy that thrives in high school
ends up prematurely bald

with erectile dysfunction.

- Oh, is that true?
- Yeah.

Yo, Noodle!

Please don't call me that.

Come on, it's the cutest nickname!

I thought you gave me the cutest nickname.

There's nothing cute about you, Diego.

- Touché, Boom Boom.
- Get off my d*ck, Jimmy.

How you holding up, little man?

Me? Good.

Let me know if you need anything,
like a ride to the hospital or something.

- I'm here for you, bro.
- OK.

Yo, Jimmy!
You coming to the lake this weekend?

Yeah, boy!
DJ Jimmy Jammy will be in full effect.

- Wanna walk to class with us?
- No, I'm just gonna go on my own.

I admire your independence, little bro.

I could never be cool with
not having friends. Peace, Coleslaw.

Oh! Whoa!

Faust was a man

who must ponder questions
on his own existential belief.

So, therefore, what Mephistopheles wanted
from Dr. Faust

was answers on faith and...

All right, all you lions.

This is our new transfer student,
Phoebe Atwell.

She comes to us from
the Guardian Angel Program,

where upstanding adult citizens
nominate disenfranchised youths

from juvenile hall
to assimilate back into society.

Let's give her a warm lion welcome.

Roa...

Class...

So, Phoebe,
tell us three things about yourself.

Well,

I think snakes
are the most misunderstood reptiles...

my favorite movie vacillates between
Deliverance or anything by Rob Reiner...

and I'm late.

What are you talking about?
You're right on time.

Oh no, Principal Highbridge, my period.

I'm nine days late.

Oh.

And g*dd*mn it, I was on the fence,
but I think I might keep it now.

Because, looking...

at all

of your beautiful faces, I...

I'm just so overcome with optimism
for our future...

I just wanna f*cking scream.

All right. Uh, carry on,
Mr. Nordy. Chuckles, let's go.

Hey, gingerpop,

move your a*s and leave the yogurt.

You crazy b*tch.

Hey, so I was reading this article

- about St. John's wort.
- Uh-huh.

It's this, like...

...homeopathy,
or homeopathy?

Oh, I have no idea.
If you're asking me, I have no idea.

- But cone of silence?
- Yeah.

Sometimes I still get a little creeped out
with the whole Cole situation.

- You're creeped out by your own kid?
- Yeah.

I'm not creeped out,
but don't you think...

- It's possible, right?
- What?

- Like, don't you think...
- Hey!

Hey, buddy.
We just make a nice meal for you!

- Yeah, rack of lamb, and, uh, and...
- And, uh, potato!

The potatoes and the broccolini.

- The whole smorgasbord.
- How long you want me to take those for?

Just... until you start feeling better.

Yeah, buddy, just to keep
the imagination episodes at bay.

It's...

- Not forever.
- It's not forever.

OK.

But you know what is forever?

Settin' the table.

- You set-a the table.
- Oh, here he goes.

Hey... Hey, Melanie.

How's it go...

- Hey.
- Hey back. Hey back to you.

Hey.

Um, OK, so,
I had a question about the lit paper.

Oh, yeah, cool. Um...

So, it's themes in Faust, right?
So, what do you think?

- I see Gretchen as kind of an underdog.
- Yeah.

A lonely character with a troubled past.
And then... then she's kinda ex*cuted.

I know. It's really...

Whoa!

That's a big bottle of lotion
you got there.

Huh? Oh, th...

No, this is, um...

It's 'cause I...

I just have exceptionally dry elbows.

- Sexually dry?
- Exceptionally...

Knock, knock. Oh, hey! Uh...

I didn't mean to interrupt.

- I'm sorry. You guys getting naked?
- No...

- Mr. Johnson, what are you...
- You taking each other's clothes off?

- No, Dad.
- We're not doing that.

I... I didn't wanna ruin the moment.
I thought you guys were

- hooking up online.
- Oh God.

- Dad, it's not like that.
- Online hook-up.

- 'Cause you had the lotions out.
- I have exceptionally dry elbows.

- But lotion's also used to masturbate.
- Dad! No! Why? Why?

Uh-oh. Well...

- Oh...
- Hey! Hey!

You and Melanie? What?

Tell me. Come on. Are you guys a thing?
You're not a thing? What's happening?

She...

- doesn't see me like that.
- What?

Her loss.

And your gain.

Or I'm not sure how it's your gain,
but it's her loss.

OK.

So, look, I know
you don't wanna take those pills,

but you gotta show your mom and I
that you're at least trying.

OK? Could you do that for me?

I am trying, but you want me to tell you
that it was all in my head?

Well, you know...

I mean,

I just want you to get better, you know?

Get you back to feeling normal.

- What if I'll never be normal?
- Don't say that.

It's hard, but...

- it's through adversity that...
- That we find our strength.

We find our strength. Yes.

I know.

You've told me a thousand times, but...

But you've also told me
to stay true to myself.

Yes.

And...

- And now you're asking me to lie.
- I'm not asking you to lie.

It happened, Dad.

I...

OK.

OK.

I'm telling you the truth.

Good night.

I love you.

If you don't like that lotion,
I have another that...

Dad, just... God!

- He still believes it happened.
- OK.

- So, we're gonna do this.
- Mm-hmm.

- Tomorrow.
- Yes.

We're going to pick him up
at lunch tomorrow...

together. OK?

Cole, come on. You're gonna be late.

I can't find my lit paper anywhere!

- Did you check up your butt?
- Where?

I'm kidding.
I have no idea, man.

I barely know how old I am anymore.

"Saint Gabe's Psychiatric Academy"?

1:00 p.m. today?

Cole, come on, man.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm coming.

- Do you wanna drive?
- No.

All right. I don't want to either,
but I'll do it.

- Melanie.
- What's up?

- They're sending me away. Today.
- What? Let me see.

What?

No.

It's not you.
It's this place that's making you crazy.

You need to get out of here.

I mean, you need to get out of town,
clear your head.

We're all going to the lake this weekend.
Just come with me. I'm leaving at lunch.

- My parents would never let me do that.
- You're not gonna ask your parents,

just like I'm not gonna ask my dad.

And I already took his car, so...

You took your dad's car?

I don't know. I don't think
that's a good idea, because...

Uh...

They're to make me less anxious,

but they just kinda make me feel
like somebody else.

And I pass out.

It's no big deal.
I mean, everyone is on some sh*t.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We're all just kids doing little hacks
to try and live our best life.

Like, look, Brian Pankauskas.

The kid with the pubey Zorro 'stache.

Adderall. Gets distracted while sleeping.

- Brian, we're late.
- Oh.

And then over there,

Mia Hughes.

AKA, Mia "Howard" Hughes.

No cracks.

Her OCD is so bad,
if she steps on a crack,

she thinks her uterus is gonna explode.

No!

Damn.

What about the new girl?
What's she on?

Hey, girl.
You going to the lake this weekend?

Oh yeah. I can't wait to finger you.

Unclear, but...

I heard she k*lled her parents.

- Seriously? Where'd you hear that?
- Like, everywhere.

Can you imagine what kinda psycho
you'd have to be to butcher your parents?

What the hell?

Look, the lake,

one weekend,

you and me.

OK?

Bye, Mel. Bye, Mel... f*ck!

Faust was a man
who must ponder questions

on his own existential...

...his moral integrity
to achieve power and success.

Cole?

Care to summarize what I was just saying?

- Oh, that's gotta hurt!
- Nice, dude!

Yeah!

Um, I think that, uh...

It means that...

taking shortcuts is a cop-out.

And getting something without actually
working for it is ultimately unrewarding.

OK, class. That's lunch.

Hey, Cole,

Principal Highbridge asked
to see you in her office on your way out.

I believe your parents are here.

Hey. It's red pill, blue pill time.

I just want you
to get better, you know?

Get you back to feeling normal.

I'm not going back.

Thelma and Louise.

This is the sickest car I've ever seen!

Come on, Boom Boom. Move it.

- Careful!
- Cole Brew, glad you decided to join.

Gonna have some fun.
Set our dicks on fire, huh?

What?

OK, let's go.

- He's never ditched school.
- I understand.

- He's not that kid.
- Try it again,

but I don't think
the doorbell actually rings.

- How do you know?
- In fact, I know it doesn't.

Juan!

- How do you know it's broken?
- It didn't ring last time I was here.

When were you here?

Oh, I came by.

To do...

Uh, just to hang.

- What were you doing?
- I don't know.

We were, like, playing video games and...

- And what? What?
- I smoked a little weed,

I haven't smoked weed in a while,
and I didn't wanna say.

- You can't...
- Sorry, I'm acting like an idiot.

Was that the night
you tried to stick it in my...

- Hey.
- What's up, neighbs? Where the party at?

- Cole's missing.
- Oh no!

- They said...
- How does this concern me?

We heard that maybe he and Melanie
might've ditched together. So...

Totally. That's what she does.

My daughter is DTF.

- DTF?
- "Down to f*ck"?

Ditches Thursdays Fridays.
Today is Thursday, so, yeah, she ditched.

OK. He's fine.
He's with Melanie, they're teenagers...

- In fact, I think they might be an item.
- Are you kidding?

- No, I'm not.
- Melanie's with Jimmy now.

- Who's Jimmy?
- You guys know Jimmy?

- We don't.
- I don't know Jimmy.

Oh my God. Kid is so hilar!

I just slid into his DMs,
and we've been, like,

trading back and forth GIFs and memes.

- Like, so many LOLs, ROTFLs, LMAOs.
- OK. Well...

- Juan, um...
- Juan.

If you had to guess,

if they were together,
where do you think they could've gone?

Everything's fine.
Come in. Pinot gris party.

- Maybe a little Xbox.
- Do you have the new Halo?

I do.

- Yes!
- But I am Fortnite Nation, b*tch. Whoo!

Honey,
I think he's out there being social.

- I'm actually put at ease.
- You are?

- I'm feeling good.
- Great, you're happy.

- Um, Juan?
- Yeah.

Clearly, you don't care where your kid is.

- No.
- But what about your other baby?

What are you talking about?

Where might she have gone?

- Halo?
- I'm...

f*ck! No.

Seriously?

If your crazy kid f*ck my car again,
I f*ck you!

I f*ck both of you. f*cked!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Oh!

Ooh! Silly string.

He's paying.

Sorry. I didn't know they were
driving with us till last minute.

It's OK.

But as soon as we get to the houseboat,
we're gonna have so much fun.

Um... Melanie, it's really OK
if you just wanna be with them. I...

You don't have to babysit me.

- Hey, Melanie?
- Yeah?

Thank you...

for believing in me.

I've always believed in you, Cole.

You're my best friend.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

OK.

But...

Which one? This.

La! Perfect.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, it's perfect for the lake. Amazing.

Let's go. Come on.

- Hey.
- Hey. Uh...

- Anything else?
- Uh...

- No, that... that's it.
- You sure?

If you looked right behind me,
then that's where the rubbers are.

- Do you want some?
- Oh no. She... she has a boyfriend.

f*ck that guy. She's not into him.

She's into you.

Really?

Magnum XLs.

It's the Tiffany's box of condoms.

Uh... OK.

A hundred bucks.

Thanks. And I'll be sure to tell them
Large Marge sent me.

I got my socks off, my rocks off
My Nestle's cup of cocoa

Cole, let's go. Come on.

Hey!

Hey. What do you think?

Look, everyone's having
so much fun, right? It's cool!

- It's crazy!
- I'm...

- Yeah, I... I'm not gonna go. I...
- What?

- I can't do this. I...
- Cole.

Look at me.

My boat, baby!

They're normal.

Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

I'm not.

I... I should just go back.
I should go to a psychiatric high school.

I should get on board
with what literally everyone's telling me.

No! No!

If you do that,

then they win.

You're innocent.

That's what makes you so special.

And I'm not leaving without you.
Come on! Have fun! Whoo!

OK, sir.

- Gonna need you to step back, OK?
- Yeah.

- Shortcake, got a photo of your child?
- Shortcake?

Doesn't matter. Um, yes. That's Cole.

- K-O-I...
- No. No, a C-O-L-E.

OK, got it.

Chachi, photo of your baby.

- What?
- Officer, let me ask you something.

Is there some sort
of traffic light face recognition,

Alexa, Siri, always listening, uh...

Orwellian obstructive tactic
that's used on all citizens at all times?

I feel like I saw that on TV.
That exists, right?

If that were real, the infidelity
wouldn't have caught me by surprise.

- f*cking b*tch!
- Who are you talking about?

My boo. Look, nine out of ten runaways
are back by dinnertime.

- He's not a runaway...
- Unless they got in a van,

then they're dead.
But nothing to worry about.

If they're not back by tomorrow,
I'll bring in ICE...

ICE, baby.

- OK, you heard "van."
- He got in a van!

I heard "dinnertime." Let's go back
to the house, make dinner, he'll be home.

- He's out having fun.
- That's a good idea.

- Hey, Juan?
- Mmm?

If you hear from them,
you'll call us, right?

- He's never gonna call us.
- We're gonna divide and conquer.

- OK, you stay here.
- Yes.

- I'll go home.
- That's right.

You're not gonna take pot.

This is too important.

Whoo!

- Yeah!
- I'm king of the world, b*tches!

- Run down, huh?
- Let's go down. Let's go!

Come over here, bro!

- Oh.
- What took you so long, buddy?

- No, I...
- What are you guys playing?

Two minutes in heaven.

- Isn't it seven minutes in heaven?
- Two minutes is more realistic.

Dude!

OK. OK. Let's see who has a pair.

- OK, ready? One...
- What?

Two, three.

- Ooh.
- Uh, don't be nervous, Cole.

Looks like Cole and Melanie are up first.

Gonna squirt your own silly string,
Cole Sore.

- No...
- Let's go. To the closet.

Cole, this is gonna be great.

- Your first time with a girl, huh?
- What?

You ever touch a titty?
This might be your lucky day.

- Have fun, kids. See you in two minutes.
- Whoa, wait, hold on...

Yo, Jimmy. You really gonna put your girl
in a closet with some dude?

It's fine. I think he's used to being
in the closet. Am I right?

And it's Cole.
Not even sure he's got a d*ck.

- I have a p*nis.
- I know!

Don't listen to Jimmy. He's an idiot.

He's your boyfriend.

Not for the next two minutes.

Have you got a can of silly string
in your left pocket,

or are you just really happy to see me?

The, uh, silly string's
in my right pocket.

Cole!

Your elbows really are soft.

They're my best feature.

Well, that's no fun. Come on.

- Yo, yo, yo. Deal again.
- Next.

- I wanna spend some time with Boom Boom.
- Pass.

"Pass"? You can't pass!

- Yeah, I'm not into STDs.
- I don't have an STD!

- You have alopecia.
- Had, OK?

My hair grew back.

It's an autoimmune condition.

I'm "autoimmune" to you, Diego.

So ignorant.

Yo, so you went crazy, right?

- Diego, shut up.
- You saw a blood cult or some sh*t?

Leave him alone.

Cole's his own homey.
He can speak for himself, Noodle.

Well... I mean, I'm not...
I'm not supposed to talk about it.

- Ah!
- That's OK.

Come on, bro! I gots to know.

You saw dudes k*lling folk,
mixing the bloods?

Well... I mean, they never got far enough
to mix the bloods, but...

Cole, do you want a drink?
I'll get you one, OK?

What was in it for the cult?
Must've been good.

Something worth k*lling for.

Mmm, yeah. I'd have to be promised
everything I've ever wanted.

- My dream life.
- But who could guarantee that?

- Stop! You're making him uncomfortable.
- There must be some contract

- with the Devil, right?
- Yeah.

- Come on, C-money. Spill the bean-o!
- Stop!

Cole didn't come on this trip
to talk about some blood cult

or the Devil's book.

- Can we please change the subject and...
- Jesus. OK.

- Lo siento, Noods.
- Thank you.

Ey, muchas gracias
por hablar español, Jimmy.

Just have fun!

How would you know that?

What?

The Devil's book. You...

You just said "the Devil's book."

- What do you mean?
- I never told you about the book.

Yes, Cole. You did.

You told me that night.

Cole's going crazy.

Melanie...

You're being ridiculous.

How do you know about the book, Melanie?

Because I signed my name in it, Cole.

What the f*ck?

I made the same deal.

Melanie?
Melanie, you k*lled her.

I thought we were gonna wait to do this
in the bathtub, not in my face!

Calm down. You guys knew she had to die
so we could mix the bloods.

She didn't have to die
all over this carpet!

Shag absorbs everything!
My uncle's gonna k*ll me!

Oh, no, no. Don't scrub, dude.
Dab. Dab. It's better.

Diego was not supposed to ask Cole
a million f*cking questions.

Don't judge me
for my innate intellectual curiosity.

But... but...
but Boom Boom's your friend!

f*ck Boom Boom!
She made fun of my tragic hair loss.

Mix the blood of the sacrificed
with the blood of the innocent.

That's how this works, Cole.

You were supposed to take your meds,
drink a little wine and pass out,

- so we could tap a vein!
- But you didn't.

So now we have to take your blood
and then k*ll you.

See, Cole? You're not crazy.

You... you guys are the same cult.

Oh!

Let's go, Cole!

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes.

- How are you alive?
- How much of Cole's blood do we need?

Can I just rip off a limb? Drain it?

Which hand you use to jerk with?
I'll take the other one.

Oh, Cole, what is up?

You OK? You look like you've seen
a gorgeous Black ghost.

But I'm not Casper.
I will wreck your sh*t. Boo!

Miss me?

No!

- Don't worry, guys. I'm good.
- I watched your skull explode!

Luckily, the Devil gives good head.

I... I watched you die.
I watched you all die!

We are dead.

Duh!

We finish this by sunrise,

or we have to go back down to limbo
for two years before we can try again.

Let's get our Cole-c*ck on
and finish this.

Yeah! Let's f*ck him.

What?

- Up.
- Yeah!

Let's do it! f*ck him up hard.

Why?

You know I wanna be an influencer.

OK, enough chitchat.
You bring anything to tie him up with?

Sure did, bro.

Great. What the f*ck is this?

Jimmy, you were supposed to go to
the hardware store, you f*cking idiot.

Yeah, but there's a crafting store
so much closer to my house.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why are we tying him up?

Why can't we just k*ll him?

- Let's go!
- Oh yeah!

Come, come, come on.
Wait. Whoa. Hold on. Hey! Ha!

- Stop. Hammer time!
- I cannot watch him crawl anymore.

Come right for the nuts.
Huh! Drop down low.

We need to keep him alive for the ritual,
then we k*ll him.

- Where's Sonya?
- Where is that sexy psychopath?

I'm here. Getting cookies.

- Get back! Get back!
- Whoa! Yes, Cole!

Standing up for yourself,
just like I showed you!

- Get back, all of you! Stand back!
- Let's draw some blood.

Ooh.

We're back!

You!

Oh, I knew you were a part of this!
You black cat, hitchhiking Picard k*ller.

You're the new bad!

I'm just looking for gas.
My jet ski's running low.

Clearly,
you guys are into some heavy cosplay.

Just leave you be.

Oh no!

It's all gonna get f*cked up again.

Nothing is going to get f*cked up.

Ow!

Oh sh*t!

In the face! Right in the face!

Max, go grab them.

Damn, it feels good to be back!

Whoo! I'm coming, Cole!
I'm coming for you!

- Go! Let's go! Go, go, go!
- Holy sh*t!

- Just go!
- Get away from me!

- What are you doing? OK!
- Go on, go!

Go, go, go!

That m*therf*cker!

First Travis Scott and Kylie Jenner
break up, now this?

What was that?

Wait. You saw that?

You saw the dead girl,
the bloodthirsty maniacs?

Did I see that? Of course I saw that sh*t!
Why'd they k*ll that girl?

OK, look,
I... I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but, basically, they're a blood cult,
and they made a deal with the Devil,

and in exchange for their souls,
they get any life they want.

Thank God. I thought they were zombies.
I hate zombies.

You... you believe me?

Yes. What else do you expect from
attention-seeking social media millennials

with esteem issues?

- sh*t.
- Nice job, newbies.

Grade A bed-sh1tting.

- You losers let him go.
- It was a simple task.

How hard is it to contain and drain
a 60-pound freshman?

Just remember,
you guys screwed it up the first time.

That's the only reason
I was called in from the bullpen.

OK, ticktock, teeny-weenies. Let's go!

Ah, you want us to film this?

Not the app!
Like a clock. A clock clock.

Oh! Like an old clock.

- Update me on the psycho Breakfast Club.
- OK.

Basically,
I saw the older ones die two years ago,

but clearly, they're back to life,
like they're mimetic metal or something.

Liquid alloy?

- Wait, you watched Terminator 2?
- Yes.

It's one of the four sequels in history
that supersedes the original.

Where... We have to stick together.
Where are you going?

"We"?

We are not a thing.

Bear Grylls clearly stipulates
to never split up when in the wild.

Bear Grylls stays at the Ritz-Carlton
with the guys from q*eer Eye.

Listen, they're not gonna stop
until they k*ll us.

Both of us.

Let's just go get them!
I'm already losing hair.

- I think... I think Sonya cursed me.
- Do what, Allison? Look. Hello! Hello!

We're in the middle of Camp Crystal Lake,
and we don't where the f*ck they went.

Yes, we do.

They have no idea what we're capable of.

We need something to fight with.
What do you have in your m*rder pack?

None of your business, and nothing useful.

OK, let me see what I got.
OK, silly string, lighter...

"Magnum XLs."

Who were you and your massive schlong
planning to have sex with tonight, Cole?

I thought tonight
was gonna go really differently.

Listen, they only have till sunrise
to complete the ritual, OK?

So we just have to make it till morning.

They're right there.

I got this.

This is gonna be so good.

Mmm.

Now do you agree with me?
We have to stick together, Phoebe.

Phoebe?

I wouldn't go out there alone
if I were you.

You're not me!

I came here for a reason.

Oh God!

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Sir, hello? Hi.

- Hi.
- Listen...

How you doing?

I'm really sorry. I don't mean to intrude,
but I could really use your help.

Is there any chance you could
give me a ride back into town?

Yeah.

Yeah, I can do that.

Gonna take a minute, 'cause my wife
is out getting some, uh, firewood.

Don't... don't be a stranger.

Of course. Yeah.

Well, come on.

Thank you.

Shaking like a little deer, huh?
Let's get you warm.

Come on, hey.

Come on. Get warm. Get warm.

Get a seat.

- OK.
- Huh?

Get you taken care of.

- It's a nice fire, huh?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Really nice.

Do you like fish?

Sure, yeah.

I like snapper.

That's cool.

What're you doing out here alone?

Oh, I'm not alone.

I... I... I wasn't.

He... It's a long story.
He's still out there.

I hope he's OK.

Yeah.

Listen, I... I'm really sorry,
I don't mean to bother,

but do you know
when your wife will be back?

I don't.

She left ten years ago.

- No, hey, now you just calm down.
- Listen, I... No, I have to go.

- Shh.
- No, I really should be going.

No! Get your hands off of me!
Don't touch me. Let go!

- I can't be here.
- Be quiet, little fish.

- Get your hands off me!
- Shut up.

Wow, you guys making s'mores?
I absolutely love s'mores!

I think the trick to a perfect s'more
is to get the right heat balance

between the marshmallow, the chocolate,
and the graham cr*cker. I love s'mores.

I eat them just for pleasure!

Hey, this a private party.

We'll just take our private parts
and be on our way.

Get back here!

g*dd*mn it!

- Come on, get in!
- No one gets away from Leeroy!

Fat Dragon.

Gotta look gorgeous for the One.
Your gorgeous dark One.

Sonya.

You came for me.

I'll gut you like a fish!

Silence, r*pist.

Oh God!

What the hell?

Your blood belongs to us, Cole!

Yeah! Cole!

- Oh sh*t! Come on.
- What?

- Seriously?
- Turn off your brights, as*h*le!

Oh sh*t!

I'm gonna cut off your face
like Hannibal Lecter, Cole!

Get her off! Get her off!

I'm gonna get...

f*ck!

Shall we?

Did you hear that? Come on.

Shh.

- Looks like old-a*s Sonya failed us.
- "Old"?

- I'm gonna bring it on with this b*tch!
- OK. Easy.

Why don't you little-a*s kids
go change your diapers, grab a juice box?

- Leave this to the pros.
- We need to shake these clowns.

We don't need them.

What'd you say, Teletubby?

Noods, I think you need to speak louder.
Hearing's the first thing to go.

What, Zoolander?

He said that hearing
is the first thing to go, Morgan Freeman.

I heard. Morgan Freeman would beat
your a*s into a keto diet, m*therf*cker.

Ah!
Suck on these t*tties, m*therf*cker.

- Be very still.
- Why is he even awake...

All right. Enough grab-a*s.

You wanna play? Let's split up.

- See which group can find 'em first.
- A little competition.

Yes. Now that I understand.

- Yeah.
- Worst of luck.

They're leaving.

- Parkour...
- Wait for your hot red-headed friend!

Let's go.

I'm here. I'm here.

Are you done sixty-nineing?

- Um... It...
- Now!

It's called ophidiophobia!

- Even Indiana Jones was afraid of snakes!
- OK.

Come on.

Come on.

Coley! Come out and play!

- Where are we going?
- This way.

"This way" where? These shoes
are made for reading, not running.

There's a cabin
at the far end of the lake.

I was heading there before I ran out
of gas. We could hide out till sunrise.

A cabin in the woods.

Nobody's ever been m*rder*d
in a cabin in the woods.

Max! Stop that sh*t. It's creepy.

- It's supposed to be.
- We're hunting children.

You know what? I am done, OK?
Done with this chase bullshit.

How about you two go be frivolous
and fetch me that boy?

I think she meant "chivalrous."

This rock looks like a spa day!

- I am dead tired.
- And I'm tired of being dead.

Can we hurry up and do this sh*t?
And why you trying to look sexy?

The only thing that's sexy in the desert:
a glass of water.

Who goes hiking wearing f*ck-me pumps?

They're not "f*ck-me pumps,"
they're f*ck you pumps.

We're gonna go. You hold up the rear.

Now that is a job I can do.
You both have really cute butts.

- You been looking at my a*s?
- Wow. You are so lucky you're hot.

Duh! What I've been telling everybody!
Y'all are really lucky I'm hot.

Hold on a second.
I gotta tie my shoes.

Hey, um...

I'm really sorry
for bailing on you out there.

Huh?

But I really appreciate you coming back.

No one's ever done anything
like that for me before.

What? No, you don't need to say sorry.
I'm sorry. I...

I'm the one who dragged you
into the worst night of your life.

Believe it or not,
this is not the worst night of my life.

What, you can beat rattlesnakes,
flamethrowers, and dead bodies?

I mean, did you see Sonya's head?

It's not my first time seeing someone die.

Do you think everything happens
for a reason?

No, Cole.

There's no chakras, no Santa,

no soulmates, no afterlife.

Them's the breaks, Ponyboy.

"Stay gold," my a*s.

Wow. That's...

That's a really bleak outlook on the world

for somebody
who's about to bring new life into it.

Huh?

I mean, you're pregnant.

- Oh! That was all bullshit.
- What?

Yeah, I just said all that so everybody
would leave me alone. Yeah.

- Come on.
- You just...

We gotta keep moving.

- Look right.
- Yeah.

Now look up.

And now the three moons,
and then there's that chicken right here.

- So real.
- I wanna just grab it. Boom, boom.

I think it's great
that he's taking a joyride with Melanie.

- Teens being teens.
- Teens being teens!

- That's great parenting. Take the win.
- No, I said no, so I'm not going to.

Why don't I just do everything?
I'll light it, pull the carb out.

- If I don't touch, I'm not smoking it.
- It's not real.

It's second-hand smoke.

Jeez!

Take it easy, Snoop.

My God. Going on tour?

How do we know
this cabin's gonna be empty?

I just know, all right?

It was my family's cabin,
but no one's been for a long time.

I don't wanna talk about it.
Just whatever. It's empty.

Wait, you... you came to a big,
crowded, popular people event

to stay in a remote cabin all by yourself?

I needed to be alone.
You wouldn't understand.

What... Yeah.
Trust me, I... I understand being alone.

I don't know if you noticed,
but everybody at school thinks I'm weird.

I didn't notice. The three-piece suit
seemed perfectly reasonable to me.

Yeah. Ha-ha, OK, but...

What I'm saying is,
I don't think anyone chooses to...

Ooh, I've been thinking about this moment
a long time, Cole-biscuits.

I wanna be the world's best journalist.

Renowned, respected, like Geraldo.

Only... f*ck.

- Um... We won't be in touch.
- Well...

g*dd*mn it! I'll show you breaking news!
How do you like this?

Allison.

What?

- Oh! Oh my God!
- sh*t!

Oh my God! Did you just k*ll Bambi?

Boo-hoo. Watch a kids' movie.

The parents always die!

sh*t!

God!

Too bad Bee's not here to blow my head
all over your face like a bukkake movie.

Allison! Allison, wait! Wait, uh...

Think...

- Think of the journalistic opportunity.
- Go on.

"Young hot journalist
saves two teens in spooky canyon." Right?

Right?

Right?

Oh! Oh yeah!

Yeah, you totally give me,
like, a young Kelly Ripa vibe.

- That's who it is!
- With a little Barbara Walters.

- Uh-huh.
- Like the look?

Your verbal acuity is unparalleled.

Exactly! Allison, you...
you are ready for prime time.

- "Prime time?"
- You are a star.

Y... You think I'm a star?

A shining...

bright star.

Exactly.

If I let you guys go,
you'd do that for me?

We can walk away from all this
and forget it ever happened.

Uh-huh.

That's my line, A-cups!

My boob!

f*ck me! Again?

You little shits! Where'd you go?

Oh sh*t!

Help me. Help me, please. Please!

Cole, better not be f*cking looking
at my butt, you little perv!

Don't you f*cking dare!

- No! Don't!
- On three.

Don't you f*cking dare.
I'll f*cking sh**t you!

That's gross.

Freeze, baby dolphin.

- You don't have the...
- ba*ls?

I was gonna say b*ll*ts.

You can't k*ll me.
You need me for the ritual!

I don't think so.

Wait! My bag.

Shoe? Have I taught you nothing?

Phoebe, let's go!

Come on.

- Holy sh*t!
- Really? The bag?

Finally found my d*ck, Cole.

OK, it's a keyless start.
We need a code.

- Try "Jenny."
- No, it's numbers, not letters.

Um... Two, three, four...

Oh, come on!

Hey! What are you doing?

That's my rental!

- Sir, please help us.
- Yes. Please help us.

There are people chasing us.

- Get the hell outta there!
- We're gonna die.

We need your help because, basically...

No!

Do you not know the difference
between salted and spicy fries, "Max"?

Because I do.

Why don't you go back there and get me
my regular salted fries that I ordered?

I'm gonna be late for SoulCycle,
and they're gonna give my bike away.

Why aren't you wearing a shirt, you c**t?

You wanna k*ll somebody?

Oh my God.

Oh no!

Believe it or not, I missed you.
Is that weird?

- Give me the code.
- But you k*lled me... now I like you more.

- Get 'em, Max!
- Nice vessel. She's a sweetie.

That's ma boat. Name's Jenny.

Oh God, I love that song, "Jenny."

Tommy Tutone's 1981 classic.

- Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine.
- Come on! Hurry!

- Start the boat!
- Yes!

It's Jackass time!

Coming, Knoxville?

Whoa!

- But I died first last time.
- If you're not first, you're last!

- Whoo!
- Work those biceps, Max!

Oh sh*t! Oh sh*t!

I'm coming for you!

Come on, faster, Cole!

I'm coming, Cole!

Better move your a*s!

Phoebe, cut the rope!

Come on, Phoebe! Cut the rope!

Phoebe, the rope, now!

Come on, buddy. I'm right behind you.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Trust me.

Cole! You giving up?

That's no fun.

Easy, k*ller.

Silly string... Pretty lame.

Pretty flammable.

- No!
- I'm coming for you, Cole!

Oh!

No!

f*ck you, Cole!

Oh!

Oh, sh*t.

I made the right choice.

What are you doing?

If you don't chill, you wack-a*s blonde
Pocahontas... This a introspective moment.

I just seen my boy Max
get diced up into Max chowder.

This night, it is not rocking!

I should be excited
I didn't get k*lled first.

That's some post-Jordan Peele era
horror movie progress. OK?

But this kid, Cole, he a genius now.

Before, he was a baby,
now he's all grownst up.

Before, I wanted to spank him like a baby,
like, bam, bam, bam!

Now I gotta k*ll him like a man, just...

- John's right.
- See that?

I'm no math major,
but I do know that out of the eight of us,

73% are dead, which leaves 49% alive,

and only 6% will make it out of here.

- I don't like my odds.
- The math is sh*t.

Melanie, you know my dyslexias
kicks in when I'm stressed.

- For this, sign up, not did I!
- You doing too much of this, OK?

You gotta pick up a book
and read that sh*t.

This is exactly what you signed up for.

"Drain Cole's blood," you said.
"k*ll Boom Boom," you said.

I didn't know Cole
was the Channing Tatum of m*rder!

Mel. Quick question.

Are we still thinking we'll get back,
like, morning-ish tomorrow?

- What?
- Well, Lauren Bello invited us

to an escape room at noon.

Supposed to be there,
like, 15 minutes early.

- It's, like, a whole waiver situation.
- You guys are such pussies.

That's it!
You know that's a trigger word for us.

- I'm out.
- You're not going anywhere.

- We signed a deal.
- I promised to help k*ll people,

- and you promised to stop insulting me.
- Yeah!

Diego...

- let's bounce.
- That's right, be a little b*tch.

This is always my issue
with third-wheeling. Sorry, Mel.

Bros before h*...

Oh sh*t! What the f*ck?

What was that?

Diego!

Diego!

I don't think you understand
how this works, Jimmy.

Noodle?

What about you?

I am staying right here!
My feet is planted on the earth!

You hear me, Satan?

- You ain't gonna get no service out here.
- Sat-phone, b*tch.

Plan B is more than a pill I take
on Saturdays.

Oh God.

- Go for Archie.
- Hi, Mr. Johnson.

I'm so sorry to call you this late.
It's me, Melanie.

Is, uh, Cole with you?

Yeah, me and Cole were just at the lake,
and... I think we had too much to drink.

- Thank God!
- I was wondering if you could pick us up.

Oh, OK, all right.
We'll come get you.

Thank you.

- We're on our way. They're at the lake.
- Who was that?

- That was Melanie. They're at the lake.
- Oh my God! Is she in one piece?

Yeah. I mean, she was a little shaken up...

Not her! The car!

How much longer till sunrise?

Uh...

About three hours.

You deduced that
from staring at the stars?

Yeah. You know, 'cause the constellations
all revolve around the North Star,

and so it's kinda like a clock.

Sorry, just something my dad taught me
when I was a kid.

I used to dream I'd grow up
to be the kinda guy

who could be lost
in the middle of nowhere,

and just with the courage of my conviction
and the night sky, I could survive.

So, kind of like now?

What was your childhood dream?

No. It's too weird.

I like weird.

I wanted to be Alice.

From Alice In Wonderland.

I wanted to fall down the rabbit hole
and wake up in a strange land,

and meet all sorts of crazy characters...

go on adventures along the way.

Mad,

wild, deranged adventures.

So, kinda like now.

Yo, we make a left here, we go to Wakanda,
forget the whole thing.

I've been practicing my accent.

- "Is this your king?"
- Not a chance in hell.

This is it.

This is where I was headed.

- Hey, you coming?
- Yeah.

sh*t. OK, follow me.

Come on.

Oh, this place is awesome.

This was my family's cabin.

I haven't been back since my pa...

Since what?

It's nothing. Yo, are you OK?

I really have to go to the bathroom.
Is there one?

Uh, there's an outhouse. Out there.

We can't go outside.

Do you have to go number one
or number two?

I would k*ll us both
before I poop in front of you.

Can you hold it?

That would damage my pelvic floor.

Fine! Go ahead.

Where?

- The vase. I don't know!
- I...

- Go.
- OK.

Can you turn around? A little privacy?

Whatever.

And... cover your ears.

- What?
- I'm self-conscious about my stream.

It's a little weak,
but my doctor says it's perfectly normal.

Oh my God.

Boo!

- sh*t!
- Oh!

That was not fun for either of us!

Weak stream, my a*s!

I'll deal with the pinkeye,
as long as your pelvic floor is OK.

- sh*t!
- I'm so sorry.

Can I... can I help you clean that up?

Nah, it... it's cool. Urine is sterile.

- Come on. I'll survive.
- Yeah.

I think this is our safest bet.
Hide out here till sunrise.

Yeah, it looks safe.

Move, b*tch.

Yeah...

What is this place?

It's my rabbit hole.

I made it when I was little.

I felt very safe here.

Alice's tea party?

Got 'em.

Wait, look, I'm not so sure
I'm happy we found him. OK?

Every time someone sneaks up
on this kid, they rest in pieces.

Here's the plan:

we wait.

Wh... The plan is to wait?

For daylight? Till I burn up into ashes?

I got sh*t to do. I wanna go
to a strip club and see Cinnamon.

Taken us this far, haven't I?

Stick with me, John.

The future is female.

The f*ck does that mean?

Ah.

Who's that? Pick it up. Pick it up. Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey, honey, we got him.

Oh thank God. He's OK?

- Was he ever? Let's be honest.
- No.

Yeah, he's with Melanie at the lake.
She dinged me...

- Pinged us. Pinged.
- She dinged us the location.

I swear to God, it's ding.

- It's GIF, not jiff. It's ping, not ding.
- Who is that?

- She pinged us the location.
- Is that Juan?

- We'll be there in 30 minutes.
- Are you guys high?

It's fine.
I'm bringing our boy home, OK, honey?

Did you take pot? Honey?

What's that?

- Are you high?
- Who... who are you talking to?

I'm talking to you. Are you high?

At this point,
I'm not sure who you're talking to.

Are you high?

- Am I? Or are you?
- You took pot!

I w...

Look, I'm gonna be honest with you...

We're going through a tunnel!
I hung up.

- Yeah, that was great timing.
- Yeah.

I can still hear you,
you Joe Exotic-look...

- What?
- I just hung up. I hung up. Sorry.

Call her back.

Who's that?

Bunny was my lovey.

He was my best friend, and...

I lost him...

when I was six.

Two days ago, he showed up in my locker
with the key to the house

and a fortune saying,

"It ends tonight."

Who do you think put it in your locker?

I don't know.

A guardian angel?

There's something about tonight...
doesn't feel like a coincidence.

Yeah. A... cassette player!

Wow.

These are so exhilarating,
'cause the cassettes are fragile and...

Yeah.

Every time you play 'em, you know,
it could be the last time that you get to.

Oh!

Oh!

- I love this song.
- Me too!

I think one time, me and my babysitter
listened to this for 48 hours straight.

- She sounds pretty cool.
- Yeah, she was. Is. I... I don't know.

She's... kind of who started the thing
with them out there.

Mine always said
it was her job to protect me.

- Hi!
- Hey.

I'm sorry! I thought it'd be fun
to get him out the house for a night,

but then he just kinda went crazy.

Like, he started talking about
the cult stuff again.

That's all good, but where's the car?
You're gonna hear from my attorneys.

- Where's Cole?
- He's over there. I'll take you to him.

But be prepared.
He's, like, saying really weird stuff.

- Oh sh*t.
- OK.

- His kid is a waking nightmare.
- Tell me about it.

- Who are you, bro?
- I'm John.

Juan.

That's dope.
You're the Hispanic version of me.

Exactamundo!

Wait. Mr. Johnson,
I think it's best if I stay back here.

He thinks I'm, like, evil or something.
I don't wanna freak him out again.

Yeah, that's...
that's a great idea.

- OK, thank you.
- OK. Be careful!

Come on!
He running full speed, huh?

God, I gotta sh*t.
Hope there's a bathroom in there.

If I'm being completely honest, I thought
you were gonna kiss like a turtle.

- But you're surprisingly good.
- I get that a lot.

- A lot? Really?
- You know, I've had a little practice.

With who?

Uh...

Actually,
the girl who's trying to k*ll us.

I don't really have good luck with women.
They sorta end up being murderers.

Well...

I guess your streak still stands.

What do you mean?

What?

What is it?

Uh...

I k*lled my parents.

Come on, we have to hurry. He's all alone,
and Bunny only has one eye.

You sure you know
where you left him?

Yeah. Right at the water line.

I was in the car that crashed into them.

If I hadn't left that stupid bunny
at the lake,

if I just waited until morning,
I would still have my parents.

I would still have a family.

Go on.

Say it. I know you want to.

Say what?

The whole Good Will Hunting speech
where you're like...

"It's not your fault."

It's what every state-issued social worker
has told me my entire life.

I can't tell you that it's not your fault.

But I also can't tell you
that it is your fault.

You went through something

that no little kid
should ever have to go through.

And it sucks that you have to carry
that pain with you

for the rest of your life.

But...

it's through adversity...

that we find strength.

You are...

by far...

the strongest person I have ever met.

And I couldn't have made it
through tonight without you.

Cole? Buddy?

Dad?

Why don't you come on up, OK?
Let's go home.

- Hey, Cole, it's locked!
- Don't go up there!

- I have to. It's my dad.
- But we're safe here.

- Buddy, come on.
- Look, maybe it's a trap.

Both the T-800 and the T-1000
use voice sampling.

Buddy, let's go home.

Or maybe Melanie's using your parents
to try to lure you out there.

Come on, Cole, just come up.
Nothing's gonna happen to you.

It stinks of pee up here!

Cole!

- We can't hide here forever, Phoebe.
- We don't have to.

- Just another hour or so.
- Just come up, buddy.

- Everything's fine.
- Look!

Everyone I have ever cared about
has died right in front of me.

Please don't go up there.

If it is a trap, then he's in danger,
and we have to help him.

Listen to your father, Cole!

But if we go up there,
we can't go unarmed.

Which is ironic, because my dad
kept his hunting gear down here.

What? Why didn't you say that?
Let's grab it.

Can't. I don't have the combo to the safe.

- I was six.
- Wow.

I guess it all does end tonight.

Cole?

Could this night get any more erotic?

Step away from the door!
Phoebe and I are coming out!

Who's Phoebe?

Imaginary friend.
He's having a psychotic delusion.

You've gone loco again, Cole!

I did not go loco.

I know you didn't.
This is all in your head.

Where'd you get the crossbow?

Three, two, one...

Can't give up on me like that, Frank.

I'll do anything to make it!

I...

John?

Dad, move away from him!

- Just take a breath, OK?
- Calm down.

Oh, sh*t!

- Cole!
- You just tried to sh**t me!

And you missed, b*tch!

Whoo! Ha!

You a clumsy b*tch, ain't you?

No, stop!

You about to die a virgin!

sh*t!

Oh!

- He's dead.
- He's a demon!

- Son...
- Please, Cole, you're scaring me.

No. Stay away from us!

- Cole, it's me!
- Get back!

Please put it down.
OK? It's me, it's Melanie.

Get back, now!

I love you, Cole.

- He's not himself. We need to help him.
- OK, Cole, listen to me...

- She's part of it!
- Part of what?

- The blood cult.
- He's telling the truth.

There is no cult! OK?

- Just put down the weapons, please!
- Put it down.

Nice catch, baby girl!

Let's go!

- Cole, stop!
- Come on! Go!

Cole!

- Where are you going, sweetie?
- Let go of me!

No! I'm calling it! We out this piece!

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Oh, my God, you're grounded.
No Coachella...

That's it! I'm taking your IUD!

I have to face my dad. Run, OK?

Run until the sun comes up. Don't stop.

I'll find you. I promise I'll find you.

Go.

- Cole!
- Dad...

- Cole.
- Dad, I'm not crazy, OK? I swear!

- Stop.
- I'm sorry I yelled at you, OK?

But you have to understand, he's a demon.

OK. OK. It's OK, I'm here.

OK.

- Come on.
- OK.

It's OK.

- I love you, Dad.
- I love you too.

I love you too.

- I'm not going anywhere, OK?
- I'm sorry.

It's gonna be OK.

- Dad?
- It's OK, it's gonna be OK. I'm here.

You don't understand, I have to save her.

- You don't understand...
- I got you. We're gonna get you home.

So close.

The knife toss isn't your specialty,
Melanie.

Maybe you should stick with trust
as your weapon of mass destruction.

Trust is for people that are too scared
to believe in themselves.

- I used to feel the same way.
- I know.

You're a self-loathing, whiny b*tch.

Which makes you a perfect candidate
for my team.

Join us,
and be the best version of yourself.

So, what's it gonna be?

Fight!

Game over!

Should've taken my offer to be a big fish.

Now you're just bait.

Electric cars...

My God, they're stupid...

cars.

Oh my boy!

Oh God, my neck. What a night.

You know,

you and I have a lot in common.

Back there, the way he looked at you...

That's the same way he used to look at me.

Are you gonna monologue me to death?

- I mean, I was, but I guess I won't now.
- Your plan's not gonna work.

He's not gonna come back.
His dad probably has him on lockdown.

Cole's a big Terminator fan.

He'll be back.

Oh sh*t! Where is it?

Cole, unlock the door.
Cole, unlock the door.

Cole! Come on!
Cole, give me the keys. Cole!

Open up! Uh-oh! Don't go over there.

Cole! Cole! Cole! Unlock the door.

- Turn off the car!
- Dad, listen to me.

Listen to me, OK?

Look, you're always saying that
we find our strength through adversity.

Yeah, I...

Tonight, I realize that strength
is measured by the lengths you'll go to

- for the people you love.
- Oh, Cole...

I'm in love with her,
and I made a promise.

Cole, no, no... Cole! Cole! Cole!

Why am I here?

You said you needed Cole.
Cole's with his dad.

Parents don't stand a chance
against a lovestruck teenager.

People will do anything
to get what they want.

And what Cole wants...

Is you.

Ah! I wonder who that could be.

Hey, Cole!

- Are you having fun tonight?
- Where is she?

Pirate's Cove.

Be here in 20 minutes,

or she's dead.

Follow the smoke.

Hey...

you're not prettier than me.

Hey! Melanie!

I'm not gonna fight you anymore, OK?
Just don't hurt her!

- Cole!
- Phoebe, are you OK?

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Is this where you want me?

Here I am!

Take my blood, k*ll me, whatever.

I'm so sick of this sh*t!

OK, you have me! Let her go!

Not until I deliver.

For who?

For her.

You...

Hey, Coley.

I should've known
this night would end with you.

Bee?

You two know each other?

Hey, Phoebe.

You've grown.

She was my babysitter.

Yeah.

I thought you were dead.

No.

I was told you died
the night of the accident.

It's OK. Bunny's gonna be fine.

I love you.

I was the only survivor, by some miracle.

"Miracle..."

Deal with the Devil.

Or a Faustian bargain.

And now, Mephistopheles is here
to collect the debt.

Here...

take it.

- Stab me again.
- All right.

As much as I love a family reunion...

we're on the clock, wh*res. Let's go.

Melanie, you were my best friend.

I had a chance to trade up.

We all did.

Thank you.

We all drink,
and then we finally get what we deserve!

It's time.

Oh!

Let's go.

Mmm.

Come, come, come.

It's disgusting though.

I don't know where your mouth has been.

The world is mine.

Ave Satanus Aeternum.

Bring it.

g*dd*mn! Slow down!
Save some for the fishes.

Yes. I feel it.

The unhallowed prophecy is fulfilled.

Did it work?

- Feel a little warm.
- It's happening.

Something's not right.
I... I do not feel cute.

Cover your mouth!

"The blood of the sacrificed

mixed with the blood of the innocent."

But you're not so innocent anymore,
are ya?

He's a virgin! He has to be!

Look at that skinny little creep.
Who'd have sex with that?

You wanna tell 'em, or should I?

No, no!

If the blood offering is tainted, then...

You betrayed us!

You f*cking stud, Cole!

I'm not even mad, bro!

Respect!

Black power, b*tch!

Heavenly Father, I accept Jesus Christ
as my lord and savior.

Oh my God.

Big Carl was right.

I just needed to get laid!

Wait, so you rigged this entire thing
just to save us?

I'm just looking for gas.
My jet ski's running low.

A million followers isn't cool.
You know what's cool?

A billion followers.

When you figure out what you want,
you'll do anything to get it.

Hi.

You were my guardian angel.

The... the little girl, is she OK?

She doesn't have much time.

Oh God...

If she could be saved...

what would you give?

I would give anything.

And I swore to always protect you.

Wait.

How were you certain that, um...

that we would just do the...
I would render, um...

myself not...

you know, not an "innocent"?

I wasn't.

But I always said
when the right girl came along,

she would appreciate your weirdness.

And you of all people know
that shortcuts are a cop-out.

Getting what you want...

without actually working for it
is ultimately unrewarding.

Especially with love.

I loved you.

You changed me that night.

God, I've missed you.

So, it's over?
I mean, we're safe. We can all just go.

Not yet.

Cole!

- Wha...
- Dad?

- Bee?
- Hey, Mr. Johnson!

Hey!

Cole, I found a babysitter.
Where have you been?

You raised a fine young man, Mr. Johnson.

I'm coming down.

You two take care of each other, OK?

Wait, what are you doing?

This ritual...

has winners...

and losers.

It's you or them.

There's no draw with this Devil sh*t.

You defeat your demons, or you die.

But they're defeated.

Not all of 'em.

What are you talking about?

I'm the last demon.

Bee, no, come on, please.
Please, there has to be another way, Bee.

No.

Bee, there has to be another way.
Please, no.

Bye, Phoebe.

Bye, Bee.

Bye, Cee.

Bye, Bee.

It's OK.

What the f*ck was that?

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

You saw that?

Did I see that? The... the babysitter
who just evaporated into black smoke?

Yeah, Cole! It was...

pretty hard to miss.

Oh!

It was all true.

Everything you were saying to me.

Everything, everything. Ev...

You were telling me the truth.

Oh my God! I gotta call your mom
and tell her that you're not nuts.

Not that we ever called you nuts.
We didn't think you were nuts.

You believe me now?

- You believe me?
- Yeah.

- You believe me?
- Yeah.

I believe you, Cole.

Let me show you something
you won't believe.

All right.

That's my boy.

I gotta... Let me take a picture of that.

I'll call your mom.

Honey, I got... I got Cole. He's OK.

Um, it's a long story.
But I got him.

- So, no more delusions or anything?
- Nope.

It was all in my head.

God, it sounds so insane now. I mean,
no wonder you guys wanted me committed.

I'm committed
to getting through high school.

Oh my God! I love that!
You are my crowning achievement.

I saved your life.

Look at your little
Tom Cruise-looking a*s!

You're working those bangs
like you in a boy band or something.

You got some p*ssy, didn't you?
I can tell! Look at you, all big and sh*t.

You're gangly,
you got your little corduroy jacket

with your neck up and sh*t.
You got your glasses.

You Magnum XL-wearing m*therf*cker.
You're doing the work. That's what it is.

You making strides, you're doing the work,
and you're seeing results.

Get your a*s up!
Come on, let's hug it out.

That's what we do at Cornell. Oh...
Look at you. Did you just get a b*ner?