Memoir of a Snail (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[ Music ]

[ Pinky wheezing ]

[ Wheezing stops ]

Farewell, Pinky.

[ Whimpers ]

The potatoes!

[ Wheezes, stops breathing ]

Potatoes?

Potatoes?

Pinky?

Pinky, what do you mean?

Oh!

Oh, Pinky.

Be free, Sylvia.

Don't worry. I'll be okay.

I wasn't always this alone.

My childhood was full of people.

Dad used to say that

childhood was like being drunk.

Everyone remembers what you did

except you.

But my childhood

was sobering, Sylvia.

I remember everything

right from the start.

I'd always liked

feeling caged in.

Snug and protected.

[ Liquid gurgles ]

It was a shock

to be born premature.

I wasn't fully baked

and looked like a baby rabbit.

I was named

Grace Prudence Pudel.

My twin brother Gilbert.

The nurse said we had two souls

but one heart.

I liked that.

Our birth was very strenuous

for Mum, and she died.

We left her womb.

She entered her tomb.

Mother snails do the same

after they've had their babies.

Don't they, Sylvia?

As I grew older, I suffered

a smorgasbord of afflictions.

[ Air hisses, Grace sputters ]

I was always back in hospital

for something.

The doctors said I was

like a China doll

you could shatter

with just a stare.

Eventually they needed to fix

my floppy lip.

[ Air hissing ]

[ Grace gasping ]

Things went bad.

[ Flatline ]

[ Both gasping ]

Grace: I lost so much blood

I needed a transfusion.

The doctor asked Gilbert

if he'd give me his.

-[ Doctor clears throat ]

-Huh?

[ Babbling indistinctly ]

Oh.

Grace: He said yes

even though he thought

he'd have to die to save me.

How long before I die?

Grace: They quickly explained

he wouldn't die.

His body would make new blood.

Oh.

Grace: He became

everyone's hero that night,

especially mine.

To cheer me up, Dad gave me

Mum's old jewelry box.

[ Music playing ]

[ Laughs ]

Inside, it had her snail

collection and her ring.

She had loved snails as well

and had been a malacologist.

I thought Gilbert

should have the ring.

Ooh. I'm gonna wear this

till the day I die, Gracie.

Grace: Despite my woes, Sylvia,

I believed in glasses half-full

and silver linings.

Gilbert's glass

was half-empty, though.

I remember how he was often sad.

Seemed like he had a secret

he wanted to tell.

He was like Holden Caulfield,

James Dean,

and Charlie Brown,

all rolled into one.

He saw people as a threat.

[ School bell rings ]

At school

he was always my warrior.

My defender.

Rabbit face! Rabbit face!

Rabbit face! Rabbit face!

-Thug: Gimme that.

-[ Grace screams ]

[ th*gs laughing ]

[ th*gs laugh ]

Hey, morons!

Hmm?

[ Growling ]

[ Blows landing ]

[ th*gs laugh ]

[ Groans ]

-[ Growling ]

-[ Laughing ]

[ Bones crack ]

[ Shrieks ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Chuckles ]

Barker: [ On TV ] ...able to

breed a chicken with a giraffe.

He said

that he's able to lay eggs

but has a really long pecker.

Grace:

Our home was our sanctuary.

A place where we felt safe

to read our books

and watch our favorite shows.

I loved my bedroom.

It's where everything

was just so.

Right angles brought me

enormous comfort

as did my snails, Sylvia.

They were my friends.

So I made more of them.

I knew they'd never leave me.

Hurt me.

Or die.

I didn't like people dying.

[ James snoring ]

I wanted to save people.

Save the homeless.

My favorite was James.

[ James snoring ]

One Christmas, I covered him

in decorations

so he could feel

some Christmas cheer.

He loved his tea.

Huh?

[ Giggles ]

Ah, good on ya, little possum.

Good on ya.

Grace: He was once a magistrate

but was defrocked

for masturbating in court.

Back then, I thought

masturbation meant

chewing

your food thoroughly.

He once told me

that masturbation

was the thief of time.

-Ooh!

-Huh?

Grace: James gave me

my first real snail.

Aha!

Grace: Your Mum, Sylvia.

He told me to put her

in a big jar

and feed her Vegemite.

While I was busy trying

to save the world,

Gilbert wanted

to break free from it.

Free others.

-[ Mildred squawking ]

-What?

Grace: Once, he let our

neighbor's c*ck escape.

Gilbert:

Fly, Mildred! Come on, fly!

[ Mildred squawking ]

Bye, Mildred!

Grace: Gilbert said Mildred

never seemed so happy.

If he wasn't letting animals

free, he was rescuing them.

He didn't care about

the dangers.

I'll save it, Gracie!

[ Horns blaring,

engines revving ]

Gilbert!

Gilbert: Come on, Stella!

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming ]

Gilbert: Over here, Gracie!

Grace: Gilbert loved animals

so much he became a vegetarian.

Gilbert:

Ohh, now she's got a boyfriend.

Look, Gracie, they're hugging.

[ Both groan ]

Eggs, wow!

Grace: We'd created our own

little family.

Gilbert:

They've hatched Gracie. Babies!

Grace:

You became my favorite, Sylvia.

Your swirl went opposite

to the others.

Gilbert named you

after Mum's favorite author.

But the thing

that made Gilbert really unique

was his love of fire.

He wanted to eat it.

He'd spend hours

playing with fire.

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Fireworks exploding ]

Grace: I remember how he always

smelt like burnt matches.

At school, the girls swooned.

He was the flame,

they were the moths.

But he was more interested

in reading and magic.

I think he just

wanted to disappear

and spend all his pocket money

at Bert's.

Bert was the type of person

parents told you

to avoid, Sylvia.

Someone who might offer you

boiled lollies.

Ooh, wow.

Grace: Bert seemed anything

but magical.

[ Dog yelps ]

Gilbert's dream was to be

a street performer in Paris.

[ Crowd cheering ]

Gilbert: Look, Gracie!

Grace: He was always practicing.

Gilbert: Oh, sh*t!

[ Screaming ]

Gilbert: Ow! Ow! Argh!

Grace: And often burnt himself.

We got little scars

from the sparks.

And when we put our arms

together, they formed a face.

Gilbert: Oh, look, Gracie!

Grace:

It felt great when we did this.

Our feelings aligned.

A lot of twins say this,

Sylvia, and it's true.

I felt his emotions.

His happiness and his sadness,

which seemed to be

the fourth member of our family.

Mum's death had left a hole.

Dad had tried to fill the void,

but he had his own problems.

Dad was French and had once

been an animator in Paris.

He made stop motion films

with an old Bolex camera.

He showed them to us sometimes.

To pay for his art form,

he busked on the streets.

[ Speaking French ]

Mum met him on a holiday

she'd won in the Woman's

Weekly magazine.

[ Speaking French ]

[ Heartbeat ]

Mum: Wow!

[ Speaking French ]

Mum: Ooh-la-la!

Grace: They fell in love, and he

followed her back to Australia.

[ Car horn blares ]

[ Percy speaking French ]

Man: w*nk*r!

Hey, watch out!

[ Car crashes, Percy screams ]

Grace:

Mum had only just got pregnant

when his career was cut short

by a drunk driver.

He never juggled again

and became a paraplegic.

Then, slowly an alcoholic

just like the guy who'd hit him.

Money had always been a problem.

Much worse since his accident.

His pension barely paid

for his wheelchair batteries.

Winning scratchies was the only

thing that brought him hope.

We found them everywhere.

To make matters worse

he developed sleep apnea.

[ Snoring hoarsely ]

[ Snoring stops ]

Huh?

We'd have to clap

to wake him up.

[ Exclaims in French ]

Despite our hardships,

our little family unit

was strong.

And there was plenty of joy.

Gilbert: Ready!

-Whoo!

-[ Laughing ]

Grace: Our happiest day was

when we went on the Big Dipper.

It was scary.

Scary because it was

a hundred years old.

[ Laughing ]

Grace: Dad felt alive.

Escaped his body.

[ Percy screaming happily ]

Grace: When he died, he said

he wanted his ashes sprinkled

off the Big Dipper.

The day got even better

on the way home,

when Gilbert found

a scratchy on the ground.

We won 20 dollars!

So Dad bought 20 more.

[ Percy groans ]

Gilbert: Too bad, Dad.

Grace: He hated

we had to look after him.

I suppose his cage was his body.

His glass wasn't full

or empty, just a glass.

Knitting and black jellybeans

were his other addictions.

He was the one

who knitted my snail hat

and made the eyeballs

out of his old juggling ba*ls.

The jellybeans made

his tongue all black

and his breath aniseedy.

Gilbert: [ Whispering ]

Watch, Gracie!

Grace:

We arranged them on his head

while he pretended to be asleep.

He let us do stuff like that.

We were free to do

what we wanted, Sylvia.

[ Gilbert grunting,

Grace laughing ]

He said, "Childhood

was life's best season.

It never lasts,

but everyone deserves one."

[ Percy speaking French ]

Grace: He was so proud Gilbert

wanted to be a performer.

Follow in his footsteps.

Gilbert: Whoa. Whoa!

[ Laughs ] Bravo!

Grace: That night,

we got out Mum's jewelry box

and sang our heads off.

Alouette, gentille Alouette

Alouette, je te plumerai

Je te plumerai la tete,

je te plumerai la tete

Et la tete, et la tete,

Alouette, Alouette

Oh

[ Belches ]

Gilbert: Ha! Good one, Dad.

Grace: Later, Dad got out

his old Bolex camera

and gave me some tips

on how to animate.

[ Tink! Tink! ]

I wanted to become an animator,

just like him.

To top the day off,

we had a competition

to see who could create

the best hairdo.

Barker: Mr. Ian Ramsbottom,

who is agnostic, dyslexic...

-Grace: I won.

-Barker: ...and insomniac.

He stays up all night wondering

if there is a dog.

Grace: I remember

the stillness that night,

the wonderful memories

of that day fresh in our heads.

A day so precious

but fleeting.

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring stops ]

Both: Huh?

Grace: Despite our clapping

this time Dad never woke.

[ Thunder crashes ]

We couldn't afford

a proper funeral,

so Dad was cremated

by the government.

His ashes given to us

in a cardboard box.

I sprinkled him

into his jellybean jar.

He woulda liked that.

Child Services came

to take us away.

Denise:

Come on, you two. Let's go.

Grace: And we were to be sent to

foster homes in separate states.

We had no relatives, and

no one wanted to adopt twins.

Especially weird ones like us.

Look after it, Gilbert.

[ Crying ]

Denise:

Hurry up. Say your goodbyes.

-Gilbert: Bye, Gracie.

-[ Horn honks ]

Grace: Bye, Gilbert.

That was the last time

I saw my brother.

The last time I smelt his scent

of burnt matches.

We never got to sprinkle Dad

off the Big Dipper.

Our lives were turned upside

down and back to front, Sylvia.

We had no choice

but to move onwards.

Upwards. Sidewards.

I was sent to live with

a childless couple in Canberra

which had won Safest City

three years in a row.

Some people even wore helmets,

driving.

Back then, Canberra wasn't

the exciting place it is today.

I suppose "settled" is

the wrong word for how I felt.

"Traumatized" was more accurate.

The separation from Gilbert

made me anxious.

But you

and your siblings, Sylvia,

you brought me some comfort.

-Ian: Lovely.

-[ Laughs ]

Grace: My new foster parents

Ian and Narelle

were pleasant enough.

They were accountants

for a company

that made traffic lights.

They were well meaning

and addicted to self-help books.

-[ Knock on door ]

-Hmm?

-Good morning!

-Hey!

Grace: They believed a good dose

of self-esteem cured everything.

Every week they'd make me

a new certificate.

Narelle: Our little baby.

Oh, we're so proud.

Ian:

Now, watch this. My finger work!

Grace: On the weekends,

they'd play netball.

Ian: Gracie, can you get

the ball for us?

Grace: They tried to get me

to play, as well.

Ian: Here we go!

Catch it!

-[ Thud ]

-Grace: Oh!

Ian: Oh, no!

Narelle:

Ian, what's happened to her?

Ian: You right, babe?

Narelle: Babe!

Ian: She's going blue!

Grace: Sometimes I faked

asthma attacks.

Ian: Hey, Narelle,

better get the puffer!

-Narelle: Okay.

-Grace: I felt bad telling lies,

but sport was one

of my allergies.

Narelle: You alright, babe?

Ian: Breathe, pumpkin, breathe!

Grace: Their favorite color

was beige.

They even had guinea pigs

that were beige.

Narelle:

Okay, we're off now, pumpkin.

-See you later!

-Bye!

Grace: On Saturdays

they went to key parties.

Narelle: Ready, love?

Ian: I'm looking forward

to tonight, babe.

Grace:

They were swingers, Sylvia.

[ People moaning ]

Woman: Daryl!

[ People grunting, screaming ]

Grace: Back then I thought

swinging meant something else.

My new school

was predictably bad.

-Teacher: Grace Pudel!

-Huh?

Teacher: Stop daydreaming.

I tried to make friends

but Gilbert wasn't there

to break their fingers.

So I absorbed the abuse,

came home,

and played with my clay friends.

I missed Gilbert like crazy.

We wrote each other letters

and I saved every cent I could

to go see him.

He'd been sent

to live with a family

of fruit farmers near Perth.

I definitely got

the better family, Sylvia.

He hated his.

Gilbert: "Dear Gracie, My new

parents Ruth and Owen

are strange

and do a weird sort of praying."

[ All babbling in tongues ]

Gilbert: "They make me pray

four times a day.

They said the more I pray

the more the pain

of Dad's death will disappear.

They're really old fashioned

and don't even have a phone.

We all have to have

magnets taped to us.

They reckon it keeps

our auras balanced.

Protects us from the devil.

Ruth is obsessed

with her poor budgies.

I reckon she loves them

more than her own kids."

[ Owen babbling indistinctly ]

Owen: Worship thy apple!

Gilbert: "They've built their

own church and school.

Owen is the Minister."

Owen: Cleanse thy soul!

[ Babbling in tongues ]

Cast out thy demons

and worship thy fruit!

[ Continues babbling

in tongues ]

Gilbert: Hmm?

[ Groaning loudly ]

Gilbert:

"He's got stomach ulcers,

which he blames on the devil."

[ Owen continues babbling

in tongues ]

Gilbert:

"My new brothers are all morons.

One of them is always staring."

Worship the baby Jesus!

Gilbert: "I have to work

in the orchard after school.

The brothers get

the better jobs."

"Ruth said if I'm going to be

a good orchardman

I'd have to start at the bottom

and work my way up."

"I'd rather eat glass."

"Anyway they can all get stuffed

because as soon as I'm

old enough and got money

I'm coming to get you.

I'll walk across

that big burning desert.

We'll escape to Paris.

I'll become a fire eater.

And you'll become

an amazing animator!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

"It'll be great."

[ Grace crying ]

Grace:

Gilbert's letters gave me hope.

So I tried to get on with life

squashing my sorrows

down into my shoes

as the years dragged on.

To pass time,

I began volunteering

at the local library.

One of my jobs was to erase

rude drawings done by boys.

[ Gasps ]

That's when I first met Pinky.

I saw her returning books

into a rubbish bin.

She thought it was

the return chute

and had been doing it

for months.

-Excuse me?

-Hmm?

Um...

She was mortified

when I explained.

Ah, poo.

Grace: Don't worry,

I won't turn you in.

Oh, thank you dear.

Bless your cotton socks.

What's your name?

Grace Pudel.

Oh, I'm Pinky.

Just Pinky. Like Cher.

Or Liberace.

Or Prince.

Casanova.

Popeye.

People call me Pinky

because of this.

Lost it dancing in Barcelona.

Argh!

Why are you dressed like an ant?

Oh, um...

No, I'm a snail.

Oh!

[ Chuckles ] Funny.

I used to think I was a pigeon.

[ Cooing ]

Grace:

She was a true eccentric

and smelt like ginger

and secondhand shops.

[ Cooing ]

Pinky: Dickhead!

Grace:

She clothed herself in corduroy

and her face had

more wrinkles than her jacket.

It was hard to know where the

fabric ended and her skin began.

Apart from you, Sylvia,

she was my first real friend.

My only real friend.

She'd lived an amazing life.

I thought one day

I might make a film about her.

She'd seen the Northern Lights.

Floated in the Dead Sea.

[ Pinky humming ]

Grace: Been an exotic dancer

in a schnitzel bar.

Won a bee beard contest.

Pinky: My turn.

Grace:

Bathed with a snow monkey.

Made love to John Denver

in a helicopter.

Pinky:

Take me home, country road!

Grace: And once played ping pong

with Fidel Castro.

[ Announcer speaking Spanish ]

Grace: She'd never been sick.

Her secret to longevity

were coffee enemas

and a daily shot of ginger wine.

She'd outlived two husbands.

The first, Hector, had died just

a week after they got married.

Pinky: Careful, sweetie.

[ Hector screams ]

Pinky: Bugger.

[ Bell tolls ]

Grace: Her second husband, Bill,

had been a postman

who wrote love notes

on her mail.

Bill: "Roses are red,

violets are camp.

I'll be your letter,

you be my stamp.

You are the clouds,

and I am the skies.

Let me shipwreck meself

between your thighs."

Smile!

Pinky: Ready for my close up,

Mr. DeMille.

Grace: They'd just begun a trek

across Australia...

Bill: Just a little

to your left, sweetheart.

Grace: ...when nature struck.

[ Crocodile growling,

Bill and Pinky screaming ]

No! No!

Bugger.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Careful, kiddies.

Grace: She was a real survivor,

and had so many jobs.

Dickhead!

Kids: Dickhead!

Grace:

But they never lasted long.

Headmaster: You're fired.

Grace: On her 80th birthday

she'd got a job promoting

pineapple chunks.

Gosh, she had a great sense

of humour.

She drove her dead husband's

postal truck

and once told me

she wanted to die peacefully

in her sleep like her cousin,

who was a bus driver

not screaming in horror

like his passengers.

I'm not sure

whether she was joking.

It was hard to know with her.

Her house was fabulous.

It smelt like popcorn

and mothballs.

She had an enormous

trophy collection

which I soon discovered

were other people's trophies

she'd found

at secondhand stores.

There were post-it-notes

everywhere.

She had a dreadful memory.

She was terrified of Alzheimer's

and had taken up tap dancing.

She'd read it staved

off dementia.

She didn't believe in banks and

put her savings in an old tin.

She said she kept

her secrets in there as well.

You know, Gracie, biscuit

tins rarely contain biscuits.

Grace: I'd never seen her

mysterious tin.

She was always hiding it

in different places

and often couldn't

remember where.

Her home was also full

of seedlings

which she later confessed

were marijuana.

She loved to bake

ginger hash-people

because she said

they relieved her arthritis.

She also enjoyed gardening

especially when she felt

a bit miserable.

She called it her "pity-pit."

She wanted her ashes sprinkled

in her pity-pit.

Be returned to nature.

Fertilize her veggies.

Gardening fixes everything.

She also enjoyed mini-golf

and had built her own course.

Aha! Hole in one!

Grace: But the thing

that made Pinky truly remarkable

was what she did every Monday.

Pinky: There, there.

Grace: She'd visit the lonely

and hold their hands.

She said the thing the elderly

craved most was human touch.

She'd sit with them

calmly in silence.

Something so simple

yet so comforting.

An occasional ginger

hash-person helped as well.

Pinky told me she'd never got

to hold her own parents' hands.

She never said why.

Her childhood was off-limits.

Pinky: Whoo-hoo!

You know, life isn't about

looking backwards, Gracie.

It's about living forwards.

Grace: She was the jewel

in the Canberra junk heap.

She'd crammed so much into her

life and I'd crammed nothing.

Pinky's friendship helped ease

my sadness,

my feelings of loss.

I suppose she was the medicine

I needed.

A vitamin for hope.

Pinky: Bugger.

Better luck next time, Gracie.

The years

fluttered past, Sylvia.

Apart from Pinky, letters from

Gilbert were the only things

that confirmed I existed.

I missed Gilbert like crazy.

Ian and Narelle were still

obsessed about my mental health

and sent me to self-help classes

which were supposed

to raise my endorphins,

balance my chakra,

and cleanse my third eye.

Ready, set, go!

All: Ha! Ha! Ha!

[ All continue

imitating laughing ]

[ Ting! Ting! ]

Ooh!

Vicki: Oh, Craig.

Heal me, heal me!

Craig: I'll heal you, Vicki.

-I'll heal you.

-Vicki: Oh, Craig!

Craig: Oh, Vick.

Vicki: Oh, Craig!

Grace: Part of me

died in those classes, Sylvia.

Self-help was just

a shallow quick fix.

None of it actually worked.

I just wanted the earth to stop

so I could get off.

Puberty arrived

and brought its gifts.

I'd have loved a boyfriend.

It didn't help matters

when Pinky convinced me

to get a perm.

[ Pinky humming shakily ]

[ Bell dings ]

Bogan: Nice hairdo.

[ Laughs ]

[ Crying ]

Dickhead!

There, there, love.

Ignore him.

I think we look fabulous.

Grace: Thank God for Pinky.

She became

my real foster parent.

Especially as Ian and Narelle

weren't around much anymore.

They'd discovered nude cruises

and were gone

for weeks at a time.

Whee!

Good morning.

Oh, hi!

Grace: I still grieved the loss

of my family

and continued filling the void

with more and more snails.

If I saw something snaily

it had to be mine.

My obsession

had blossomed, Sylvia.

My room had become

a snail shrine.

I'd become a snail hoarder.

Oh, I missed Gilbert so much.

His letters still gave me hope.

But he began to worry me.

I felt he wasn't

telling me everything.

Gilbert: "Dear Gracie,

Life at the Garden of Eden

is certainly no Garden of Eden."

Ruth: Gilbert, get back to work!

Gilbert: "Ruth seems

to have it in for me.

But I don't give a stuff."

Sorry, Ruth.

"Oh, and she hates that

I call her Ruth instead of Mum.

And she hates that

I won't let Owen shave my head.

They make me work really hard

for lousy money.

There's no one here to talk to.

I try to be friendly

but their weirdo religion

has them all brainwashed.

The brothers really hate me."

Poofta!

Gilbert: "Owen forces me

to read the Bible.

And Ruth forces me to eat meat."

Ruth: Hello, piggies.

[ Laughs cruelly ]

[ Blade chops, pig squeals ]

Eat it.

Gilbert: "She's barred me

from playing with fire.

She's bonkers and thinks

magic is the devil's vice.

And she's always trying to stick

more and more magnets on me

to fix my aura.

But I don't care.

I hide behind the church

to practise my stuff

with one of the brothers

who seems to like me.

Ruth reckons Lucifer's

trying to invade my soul.

So they tried to baptize me

to get the devil out."

[ Babbling in tongues ]

Dunk thee

and cleanse thy demons!

[ Gilbert grunts ]

Gilbert: "I pretended

I was possessed.

I hid some of Owen's

antacid tablets in my pockets."

[ Gurgling ]

Ruth: Oh, my goodness!

Gilbert: "It was hilarious."

-[ Laughs ]

-[ Growls ]

Gilbert: "Ben loved it."

[ Laughs ]

Gilbert: "Ruth is always trying

to control me.

She even tried drugging me."

[ Ruth laughs ]

Ruth: Eat it.

Gilbert: "But I'm not dumb.

I hid the pills in my cheeks.

Ruth says Jesus' love

isn't free.

So what money we do earn,

Gracie, goes back to Jesus."

Owen: Pennies for Jesus.

Pennies for Jesus.

Pennies for Jesus.

Pennies for Jesus.

That's a good boy.

Ruth: Gilbert! [ Grunts ]

Gilbert: "And Jesus then gives

his money back to Owen."

Owen: [ Chuckles ]

Thank you, Jesus.

Gilbert: "And his vices."

Barmaid: Oh, Owen, how are ya?

The usual?

Have a good night.

Owen: Pennies for Jesus,

and whisky for Owen.

[ Gasps ]

Gilbert:

"They're such hypocrites!

But I made them pay for it."

Run free, guys. Come on, run!

[ Pigs squealing ]

[ Birds chirping ]

"I hate it here.

No! My budgies!

[ Growls ]

Gilbert: "And I hate her.

She punished me.

Big time."

[ Music box playing music ]

Ruth: Hold him tight!

Sinners must

be punished, Gilbert.

Leviticus 24 -- An eye

for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

[ Music distorting, fading ]

Burn, thy wicked thoughts

of pleasures!

-Burn! Burn!

-Gilbert: "She punished me,

but it didn't bother me.

I'm fine.

Anyway, I better go.

I'm saving my money

and I'll be escaping soon

and crossing that desert

to come and get to you."

"Hang in there, Gracie.

Everything is okay.

See you soon. Hopefully.

Love, Gilbert."

Puberty finally finished

its cruelty, Sylvia.

The season of our teens ended.

[ Narelle exclaims

indistinctly ]

Grace:

But life got even lonelier

when Ian and Narelle retired

to a nudist colony in Sweden.

It's a shame

we never really connected.

What family we did have,

though, was now gone.

Narelle: Is that your foot?

Grace: Despite my woes, Sylvia,

I tried to be optimistic.

Be more social.

I remember how there were

intriguing people

at the library.

But they lived vicariously.

A boyfriend

seemed a work of fiction.

I felt invisible. Began to fade.

Pinky was the only color

in my life.

Still effervescent.

Her hand-holding idea had

become a fully fledged charity.

She'd even engaged the long-term

unemployed to help out.

We went from home to home.

Hand to hand.

I think over time the loss of

my family had somehow frozen me.

I thought it was safer

to just live in a pretend world.

Oh, Dad would have

been disappointed

I'd resorted to trashy novels.

It was now just me,

some sexy pirates,

and a few frisky guinea pigs

who mocked my virginity.

The stereotype

was now complete, Sylvia.

I'd become an unloved recluse.

And the guinea pig hair

that coated me?

A lonely person's glitter.

As my boredom worsened,

I found myself having new urges.

I added kleptomania

to my list of hobbies.

Buying, hoarding

and now stealing

became a cheap thrill

and distraction

from my mundane world

which slowly began to collapse.

[ Guinea pigs squeal ]

[ Guinea pig chirps ]

I lost three guinea pigs

that night.

I cremated them in the backyard

and put their ashes

in little jars.

It looked like I was starting

a guinea pig spice rack.

My life had become

truly pathetic

and things had gotten

out of control.

I held my own hand patiently,

waiting for Gilbert to come

and rescue me

while I continued to withdraw

into the safety

of my snail fortress.

Lonely, loveless,

and imprisoned.

But just as I was considering

joining a nunnery,

from the mess of my life came

one of those silver linings.

[ Blower whirring ]

His name was Ken.

And he was obsessed

with his leaf blower.

There he stood, more delicious

than a Chiko Roll.

Ken: Well, hi.

Hey. Could I, ah...maybe, ah...

Grace: He wanted to know

if he could blow my leaves.

His presence gave me

hot flushes and sweaty knickers.

It was love at first sight.

He was a Canberra Adonis.

A Cadonis.

He was a microwave

oven repairman and told me

that he was extremely shallow

and one dimensional.

He said if he was an onion

and you peeled back the layers

you'd just find more onion.

He had hobbies like me and

enjoyed repairing broken bowls.

It was a Japanese art form

called Kintsugi

based on the philosophy

that just like the soul,

all things can be repaired

and our cracks celebrated.

Ken said

that I was a broken bowl

and that he'd help

repair my wounds.

Fill up my cracks.

He was so thoughtful

and community minded.

He volunteered as a lifeguard

at the local pool.

Ken: Mm. Hello.

Grace: He adored me

and even built a milkshake

station in my kitchen.

We dated for a month and then...

Ken: What do you reckon?

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

hallelujah

Grace:

He said he really did love me.

Loved my quirks.

[ Both laugh ]

We celebrated

with another milkshake.

He said he'd make me

something special.

Ken: Spoonful of that. Cinnamon.

-No!

-What?

Oh...um...

That's my guinea pig.

A normal person

would have thought I was bonkers

keeping those

guinea pigs' ashes.

But he didn't.

He loved all of me,

even my bum and wobbly bits.

Ken: Yeah. Nice. Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Yeah. Nice, Gracie.

Grace: He moved in

and I finally lost my virginity.

We were desperate

to get pregnant.

Nurse: [ Over speaker ]

Clean up, Room 6.

Grace:

But Ken was told he was sterile

from all those microwave ovens

he'd repaired.

Nurse: Rotten luck.

Grace:

But I wasn't too disappointed.

I had more than I could ever

wish for, Sylvia.

I had a Cadonis,

a herd of guinea pigs,

and a horde of snails.

Ken: Say cheese, Gracie.

Grace: We set a wedding date

and sent Gilbert the good news.

Gilbert: Huh?

Oh! Wow!

Hey, Ben, guess what?

Ooh!

Grace: Ken gave him money

for an airfare to Canberra.

I asked Gilbert

to walk me down the aisle.

Pinky would be the flower girl.

[ Pinky humming ]

We'd finally be a family again.

Finally sprinkle Dad's ashes.

My glass was now brimming.

And there were silver

linings galore.

Gilbert would live with us.

He'd be here tomorrow!

I'd never felt so happy.

So optimistic.

Courier: Delivery!

Ken: I'll get it.

Oh.

Ooh! [ Gasps ]

Pinky: Ooh, for you, dear.

Ruth: "Dear Grace, This is Ruth,

Gilbert's foster mother.

It saddens me to tell you

that Gilbert has died

in an horrific fire.

Our church burnt down

and he was unable

to escape the flames.

Last week I found Gilbert

and my son Ben fornicating.

[ Gasps ]

Lucifer!

I'm sure you will agree

our only course of action

was to purge and correct

their h*m* sickness

in the correct fashion,

as instructed by

The Lord our Saviour.

This was not a simple task.

We could not just

pray the g*y away

so the only solution

was a dual expulsion

to cast the demons out,

eject the devil

from their souls,

and correct their auras."

Out, out, evilness!

Out, out, Satan!

[ Family vocalizing ]

Ruth: The time has come!

Purge their souls!

[ Laughs cruelly ]

Ruth: Cleanse their sickness!

[ Electricity buzzing ]

g*y away!

Out, gayness!

Purge their souls!

Out, out, Lucifer!

Cast out thy demons

and shock the g*y away!

[ Electricity whining ]

[ Both groaning ]

[ Sons vocalizing ]

Ruth: Enough!

Excellent, excellent.

"I am glad to say

for my son this was a success.

But for your brother

the devil would not vacate.

And being so full of Satan,

well..."

[ Gilbert growling ]

Ruth: "...he assaulted me."

Aah! Lucifer!

[ Growling ]

Get him!

Look, an angel!

-Huh?

-Ooh!

[ Bird chirps ]

Ruth: Liar!

[ Growling ]

Huh?

-You Judas!

-[ Chuckles ]

Owen: He's escaping! Catch him!

Ruth: Get him!

[ Gilbert panting ]

[ Gulping ]

Ruth: "He then raced to

our church and set it alight."

[ Gilbert coughing ]

Ruth: No! Gilbert, stop!

[ Screaming ]

Ruth:

"He then sacrificed himself...

-Gilbert: Let me out!

-"...as penance for his sins."

-[ Gilbert screaming ]

-Ruth: "We tried to rescue him,

but the Inferno was too intense.

The Good Lord took his soul."

[ Gilbert screaming ]

Let me out!

Ruth:

"And Lucifer lost the battle."

Now cleansed

and with the baby Jesus.

Ruth: "We had a memorial for him

and are confident he is now

in a happier place

with God and the baby Jesus."

"Please find enclosed a vessel

of your brother's ashes.

I think it best you have them.

Once again I am sorry to be

the bearer of such tragic news.

Gilbert was a good soul

who sadly fell

to repugnant persuasions.

We will always pray for him

as well as you.

Our deepest sympathies,

Ruth and Owen Appleby."

Grace: Losing a twin

is like losing an eye, Sylvia.

You never see the world

quite the same way again.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

Grief is a nothingness.

Leaves a metallic taste

in your mouth.

Places stones in your stomach.

Tears don't flow.

They're too scared.

I no longer believed in silver

linings or glasses half full.

My glass was shattered.

I'd lost my mother,

father, brother.

Luckily I had Pinky.

Ken: Hey, Gracie.

Grace: And Ken.

His spoonfuls of love

kept me going.

But weirdly, my snails seemed

like my real family.

Real ones hoard together

when threatened.

Survival in numbers.

I was emotionally attached

to every single one of them.

That's why I couldn't ever,

ever throw any of you away.

So I kept buying, adding,

and stealing.

Eventually...

Security guard:

Excuse me, Madam.

Grace: ...I got caught.

The shame was crushing.

And there were consequences.

Ken: Oh, Gracie.

Grace:

And then things got even worse.

Love can be blind.

Huh?

It can hide darkness and horror.

It seemed Ken's onion

did have layers.

He didn't love me.

He loved my fat.

[ Gasps ]

He had some sort of fetish.

He didn't want to fix my bowl.

He wanted to fill it,

and fill it, and fill it.

With lard.

It was one thing for me

to create a cage for myself.

Ken: Bit of duck for luck!

Grace: It was another for

someone else to imprison me.

Ken: Nice, Gracie.

Grace:

I knew he admired my largeness

but this was something more.

Ken: Oh, yeah. Nice.

Grace: He said he'd love me more

the bigger I got

and now I knew why.

What an idiot I was.

But not for much longer.

Ken: Whoa!

Oh!

Sorry, Gracie.

[ Crying ]

Pinky moved in

and tended to my wounds.

I'd read that snails hibernate

when they needed

to repair themselves.

I slept for a week

and wrestled my demons.

[ Screaming ]

I loathed myself.

My hoarding had caused this.

It had kept me poor.

And being poor

had kept me from Gilbert.

The money I'd wasted could have

bought a dozen plane tickets

to see him, Sylvia.

Now he was dead.

Pinky: Gracie?

Got your lunch.

Grace:

Pinky put me on a strict diet

and life became

slightly bearable.

As I slowly emerged

from my darkness

I began to notice

how much Pinky had aged.

I'll never forget the day

I discovered she had

the beginnings of dementia

when I found her attempting

what she thought

was a jigsaw of a rooster.

That was just

a few months ago, Sylvia.

She was diagnosed

with Alzheimer's

and went downhill quickly.

Pinky, what are you doing?

I'm looking for something.

What?

I don't know.

Grace: Roles reversed.

It was my turn to care for her.

Ah, ah, ah. My medicine.

Grace: One day she decided

not to get out of bed.

Did I tell you that thing

I can't remember?

That thing I was looking for

but don't know what it is?

Oh, stupid brain.

Stupid disease.

What's the name of that

German guy whose disease I got?

Ah, Guggenheimers?

Yeah, Guggenheimers.

Relax, Pinky.

It doesn't matter.

Oh, Gracie.

Such a marvelous friend.

[ Pinky wheezing ]

[ Wheezing stops ]

Farewell, Pinky.

[ Whimpers ]

The potatoes!

[ Wheezes, stops breathing ]

Potatoes?

Potatoes?

Pinky?

Pinky, what do you mean?

Oh!

Oh, Pinky.

Farewell, Pinky.

Be free, Sylvia.

Potatoes?

Potatoes?

Sylvia. Oh!

Maybe that's what she wanted

her last meal to be?

Oh!

g*dd*mn life!

Oh, g*dd*mn life!

Such a...

Such a stupid, stupid puzzle!

Damn it!

[ Sobbing ]

I'm so alone!

I'm so -- so alone.

[ Sobs, sighs ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

th*gs: Rabbit face! Rabbit face!

Rabbit face! Rabbit face!

Ken: Nice, Gracie.

Bogan: Nice hairdo!

Denise:

Come on, you two, let's go.

Gilbert: [ Echoing ]

"I hate it here.

I'll be escaping soon

and crossing that desert

to come and get to you."

Ruth: "It saddens me to tell you

that Gilbert has died

in an horrific fire."

[ Echoing ]

Fire...Fire...Fire...

Pinky: The potatoes!

[ Grace spitting ]

The potatoes!

Pinky: "Dear Grace,

If you're reading this

then I'm as dead as a doughnut

and you found my biscuit tin

and some things

I want you to have.

You've been asleep for days

and I need to tell you

important stuff

before my brain fully rots."

"Oh, old age is such a b*stard.

Creeps up without you knowing.

One day you sink your teeth

into an apple and they stay."

"You go to straighten

the wrinkles in your pantyhose

and then realize you're

not wearing any."

Oh.

"Anyway, I digress.

My secrets.

Firstly I'm an orphan

and was raised in an orphanage

after the Great w*r.

It was a terrible place

where I was kept in a crib

day and night.

Never held, or hugged.

The only contact

the little boy next to me.

No, I won't tell you

the horrors I remember

but do want to tell you what

it's like to feel imprisoned.

Caged.

It was simply dreadful.

But in the years since

I've learnt that the worst cages

are the ones

we create for ourselves.

You have created a cage

for yourself, Gracie.

Your cage has never been locked.

But your fears

have kept you trapped.

Get rid of those snails.

Set yourself free.

You got rid of that creepy Ken.

Now it's time

for you to shed your shell.

Purge your hoard.

Start anew.

Oh, a bit of self pity's okay.

But it's time to move on.

There'll be pain

but that's life.

You have to face it head on.

Be brave."

"Anyway, I want

to thank you, Gracie.

You've been terrific.

Not long now

till my number's up.

It's time to close my curtains.

For the first time in my life

I feel older than I look.

And I look like a testicle.

Life's a beautiful tapestry

that needs to be experienced.

Its small pleasures savored.

Like smoking a cigar

in the rain.

Or wearing a jumper

straight from the dryer.

Enough rambling.

Time for both of us to let go.

Like I've said, life can only

be understood backwards

but we have to live it forwards.

Snails never

go back over their trails,

always moving forwards.

Time for you to leave

some glittering snail trails

all over the world.

And remember,

never, never go back."

Court officer:

All rise! Order in the court.

Magistrate: Miss Pudel.

Your crime is serious.

Theft is theft, whether

it be a diamond or a cucumber.

And if you forgive the fox

for stealing your chickens,

well, then he'll steal

your sheep.

However...

I can tell from your face

that you are full

of shame and regret.

And true regret is

punishment enough.

I know you are a kind person,

as many years ago,

a little girl showed me kindness

when I was at my lowest ebb.

Ah.

[ Giggles ]

Ah, good on ya, little possum.

Good on ya.

That little girl gave me hope

and courage to start again.

And escape my -- my vices.

Oh!

You may have light fingers,

Miss Pudel,

but I know you have

a heart of gold

and have done many good deeds.

I therefore release you

from your charges.

Case dismissed!

[ Chuckles ]

Grace:

Life had bashed me round a bit

but the roses smelt better.

And I finally started to become

the person I'd always wanted.

I made a film about my life.

[ Lively instrumental

music playing ]

[ Boing! ]

It wasn't very good.

But a few people came.

I even had a question and answer

session afterwards.

Any -- Any questions?

Oh, well.

Thanks for coming.

Gilbert: Yes.

I've got one.

Do you believe in magic?

Gilbert?

Yes.

It's me.

I walked across that desert.

Grace: It took me a while

to believe Gilbert was alive.

[ Glass shatters,

Gilbert grunts ]

Grace:

How he'd escaped the fire.

And how his ashes

were nothing more than...

ashes.

His urn now found a new purpose.

The cycle of life continued

and your job was done, Sylvia.

We were all finally free

of our cages.

And even though our family

had shrunk a little...

...we were together again.

With only one thing left

to release.

[ Tink! ]

Gilbert still smelt

like burnt matches.

The setting sun

tingled our skin,

our two souls,

and our single heart.

Alouette, gentille Alouette,

Alouette, je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette,

Alouette, je te plumerai

Je te plumerai la tete,

je te plumerai la tete

Je te plumerai la tete,

je te plumerai la tete