01x08 - The Universe

[bunniefuu]

- Thanks for meeting, all right?

I know everyone's busy,
and we've been trying

to make this happen for a while.

The reason you're all here

is because I am a big
fan of your content.

One of you has the chance to be
our next new breakthrough star

of our "Based on a
True Story" spinoff.

Now, I'm looking for someone
that America can relate to.

We need a sad story...

Maybe cancer, maybe
a dead sister.

Just think, like,
"American Idol."

Go.

- My parents died
in a car accident.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- I have diabetes.

- My mom abused me.

Me too. Me too.

- Yeah, well, I mean, guys,
no surprise there, right?

If, uh...
hey, I am so sorry.

One second.

Oh, hey, how are you?

- You f*ck!
- You f*cking psychopath!

- We've been calling
you for an hour.

- What is wrong with you?
- Why aren't you picking up?

We called you ten
times in an hour.

- Guys, guys, guys, one
at a time, please, people.

- Okay. You said you
weren't gonna k*ll anyone.

- Uh, no.

What I think I said was, I
wasn't gonna k*ll Michelle.

- Oh, my God!

- I don't want to
use the word "hero,"

but she was gonna turn you in.

- What?
- How do you know that?

You don't know that.

- How do you think
I know, Nathan?

She told me.

She called the cops.

- Oh, that's bullshit.
You... you know what?

We can't believe a word
that you f*cking say, Matt.

That's the thing.

- Why did you frame
me with the dart?

- Yeah!

- We're supposed to be partners.

- Nathan, if I
wanted to frame you,

I'd have dumped her body
on Sunset Boulevard,

all right?

I just want you to know

that I could frame
you if I ever wanted.

- Okay, here's what
you're gonna do.

You're gonna get
your a*s over here,

and you're gonna clean this up.

- Uh... oh, you mean the body?

Yeah, no.

That's on you guys.

- What... uh, I'm sorry.

We're not gonna dispose
of Ruby's f*cking body.

Are you out of your mind?
- All right,

but, uh, she's gonna start
to stink up the place,

and your new fancy
Malibu neighbors

are gonna be up your a*s.

All right, I'm back.

So sorry.

Any more trauma?
Keep it coming.

- f*ck!
- Okay. He can't hear us.

Just call him back.
Call him back.

- Okay, okay.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Guys, keep 'em coming.

Write 'em down.

I'll be one sec.

Hello.

- Um, we can't...
- No, we can't do this.

Please, you have
to come help us.

We can't do this.
- Please, Matt, please. Please.

- Ah, Jesus Christ.

It's like dealing with children.

All right, fine.

Meet me at your
place in an hour.

- Our place? No, we're not...

We're not meeting at our place.

Absolutely not, no.

- It's totally cool.

I'll just... I'll
hang with Tory.

- What?
- Uh, no.

- No.
- You will not hang with Tory.

- Don't be late.

Bring the body.

- Oh, my God.

- We're f*cked.

- Okay.

She's gonna be okay.

He's not gonna do anything.

Try her again.
- I'm calling.

- Hi, it's Tory.
Leave a message.

- Voice mail
again. Oh, my God.

He's gonna k*ll her.
- He's not.

Don't say that.

He's not gonna... he's not
going to k*ll her, okay?

- He's gonna k*ll her.

- Move!

- Got the keys?
- Yeah. Let's go.

- Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay. All right.

Come on.

- Tory.
- Tory?

- Tory? Hey.
- Tory.

- Tory.

All: Surprise!

Happy anniversary!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Hi.

- Oh, my God, hi!
- Hey.

- Are you surprised?

- Yes!
- Ah, what a surprise.

- How you doing, buddy?
- Hey.

- Oh, my God, yes,
I almost gave birth.

- We got you so good.
- We got you good.

- Okay, wait, get together.

Smile.

Cute. Say "ten years."

- Yeah, you can frame that.
- Cute.

- Oh, my God.

- I don't know what he
said to get you guys here,

but he guaranteed it
would be on the dot.

- I kept my promise, right?

- What did he say to you guys?

- Oh, you don't want to know.
- Yeah.

- It was crazy.
- It was crazy.

Yeah. Yeah.
- We had to race here.

- You know what?

You're gonna get me back.

- We sure are, yeah.

- I have to pee.

- Guys...
- Yes.

- Thank you.
- And then this is gonna be...

We're gonna party.

- What a night we're
gonna have here.

Thank you, everybody,
for coming.

I'm gonna be right back.

- Oh, hi. Look at you.
- Hey, great to see you.

- What are we gonna do?

- We act normal.

- Oh, act normal.
- Yeah.

- Okay, cool.

Act normal with
Ruby's f*cking body

in the trunk of our car?

- f*cking nuts.

- How did he know?

How did he know that she knew?

- I have no idea.

- Like, I...
- Hey, guys.

- Get out there right now
and take care of the body.

- Hey, it's a party.

- Get your a*s out there right
now and f*cking fix this.

- Guys, I really think

you need to fix this yourselves.

- Yeah?

- And when you do... bonus...

I figured out how we
can protect the spinoff

from the woke
police. Both: What?

- We're gonna make
the spinoff inclusive.

- Okay, I can't talk
about this right now.

- Hey, would you
just hear me out?

Thank you.

Right, so what
we're gonna do is,

we're gonna give a voice

to the marginalized
serial K*llers...

The BIPOC K*llers,
the disabled K*llers.

We are gonna take their voice,
and we're gonna raise it up.

- Marginalized serial K*llers?
- Mm-hmm.

- Are you f*cking insane?

Where would you even
find those people?

- We have a chat room.

It's kind of like
an affinity group.

- Huh, 'cause it
kind of sounds like

a forum for terrible people.

- It's a safe space where

people can trade
stories, talk craft.

- Dead body right in
the f*cking driveway.

- You have lost your mind.

- Really?

Because I've already
had some Zooms,

and the response is amazing.

- Oh, my God, you've...
You've had some Zooms?

That's so great.

Did you guys also make
some TikTok videos,

you and your little
k*ller friends?

Do a little couple
dances together?

Let me tell you something.

There's not gonna be a spinoff.

There's not gonna be a universe.

Nothing.
- All right, fine, fine.

All right, fine. Fine.

You don't have to do it.
- Great.

- All right.
- Fantastic.

- Yeah, I don't need you.

I'll do it on my own.

- What?
- What?

- The hell you will.

This was my idea.

I created this podcast.

- I am the podcast.

- Hey, guys?
- Hey, Tory.

- Hey, Tor.

- Hi.

Um, someone crashed the party.

- What?

- Hey, here's the happy couple.

Can I talk to you outside?

- Yeah.

Sure.

- I don't know what
you're doing here.

- Yeah.
- You weren't invited.

- I know.

I know, and look,
I totally get it.

I just thought that we've
been friends so long...

- Give me a f*cking break.

You shot my dog, Simon.

- No, I know.

And I am really, really sorry.

- Are you sorry you
put a g*n to my head?

Sorry about that?

- I can't even believe
that I did that.

It's like...
- The f*ck is wrong with you?

- I think I just
f*cking lost it.

And this whole open
marriage bullshit,

it's just... it's just been
eating away at me, Nathan.

And I... I just... like, I...

I think I was just
doing it to be cool.

And I'm not.

It's just not me.

- I don't care.

- Thank God Ruby
and I worked it out.

- You worked it out?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah,
we're doing great.

Just had to hit reset,
and she's gonna come here.

She'll tell you.

But we're not gonna f*ck
around on each other.

We got a new dog, Duke Jr.

- Are you kidding
me? Duke Jr.?

You can't just pretend
this didn't happen.

- Oh...
- You shouldn't be here.

You weren't invited.
- Okay, I get it.

- You should leave, okay?
- No...

- 'Cause I'm starting to get
really f*cking pissed off,

Simon.
- Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me make this up to you.

Uh, I'll get a house in Belize,

and we'll get the whole g*ng
together, you know? We'll...

- Yeah, that's the
thing about you, Simon.

You think you're better
than me, but you're not.

- You hear that?

- No.

- Is that a phone?

- What?

I don't hear anything.

- That... there's a phone.

It's, uh...
- I don't think so.

Maybe it's coming from
across the street?

- No, it's definitely not.

It's definitely, uh...

it's definitely
coming from in here.

Yeah. Let's open it.

You got the keys?
- They're inside.

Hey, don't worry about it.

- Whoa, what if
somebody's trapped inside?

Get the keys.
- Hey, hey, look.

You know what?

Let's put that stuff
in the past, okay?

You and I are cool.

Come back inside.
- Really?

- Yeah, we are...
We're totally cool.

Let's put it behind us.

- Oh.

- I've done some crazy sh*t too.

- Yeah.

- What about the
prenatal classes?

How are they?
- You know what?

I never went.

- Girl...
- Yeah, no.

- But it's, like, showtime.

- Well, um, kind
of. Not really.

- Well, look, has anyone
told you about the guy?

- The who?
- The sh*t guy.

- The sh*t guy.
- The what?

- No, I mean, you're
gonna sh*t on the table,

and that's okay.
- Okay, quiet.

- He's gonna wipe it...
- Okay, guys, you know...

- And the diapers, the
big, giant vag*na diapers.

- Oh, huge.
- All right,

you know what, guys? Maybe
we can stop talking...

- With the ice inside.

- It's like a snowman
is going down you.

- Your p*ssy is gonna be
on ice for weeks, months.

- Well, this is a great party.

- You got a guy in the kitchen
putting edibles up his a*s.

- Right up his a*s.
- Oh, my God.

- I would do that.

Uh, give me one second, okay?

Bye.

We're not ready for this, baby.

- Ruby's phone is
ringing in the trunk.

- What?

- Yes, come on.

- Seriously?

You left her phone in
her pocket in the car?

Are you nuts?
- I'm sorry.

It's my first time
dealing with a dead body.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, God, I can't look at her.

- Okay, how do you turn
this f*cking thing off?

- Don't turn it off.

- The cops can f*cking track us.

- I'm sure this thing
has been pinging

every cell tower
since we left Malibu.

We'll deal with that later.

We have to see if Matt's
telling us the truth.

- Okay.

Well, do you have the code?

- Uh, no.

- All right, well,
what do you want to do?

- Oh, my God.

Uh...

okay, okay.

Just, uh... oh, my God,
move her face towards me.

- Okay.

- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, it worked.
- It worked.

- Okay. All right, I'm gonna
check if anyone's called.

Uh, unknown caller.

There's a voice mail
seven minutes ago.

- Play it.
- Okay. Okay.

- Now, this is a
message for Ruby Gale.

Detective Quincy
Burrell of the LAPD

Westside Ripper Task
Force returning your call.

- Oh, my God.
- It sounds like you have

very relevant information.
- sh*t.

- She did call!

She was gonna turn us in!

- Here's my personal cell.

310-700...

- What did she tell them?

- f*ck.
- 5647.

- f*cking mother...
Relevant information?

What kind of f*cking relevant
information do they have?

- She was gonna
make baby an orphan.

- What are you guys doing?

- Hey.

Turn it off, turn
it off, turn it off.

Yeah, we're coming!

- Okay, speech time.

Everybody come in from
the kitchen, please.

- God, I love a speech.

- You know, you're
a f*cking as*h*le.

You left the f*cking
phone on her on purpose.

- Yeah.

I wanted to throw
you in the deep end,

see if you could swim.

- Guys, shut the f*ck up.

- Simon was out there.

What if he saw something?

What if he knows her
f*cking ringtone?

- Well, then we
take care of Simon.

- When does this end?

- Well, that's the beauty of it.

Never ends.

- All right, okay.

So I don't really know
if anybody knows this,

but Ava and Nathan
kind of saved my life.

Um, our mom died when I was 10,

and Ava was living
out here with Nathan.

And I got stuck with my dad
and step-monster in Chicago,

and I kind of wanted
to blow my brains out.

So I called Ava,

and she drove cross-country,

picked me up, and
brought me here.

She and Nathan gave
me a life and a home

and a family.

You guys always
looked out for me,

and that baby is so lucky
to have you guys as parents.

Seriously.

Am I right?

All: Yes.

- I love you.

- Love you.

Thank you.

- Happy 10-year anniversary

to Ava and Nathan.

To Ava and Nathan.

- Ow, ow!

- All right, let's party.

- Bye. Thank you.
- Yeah, take care.

Thank you. Hey, buddy.
Thanks... thanks for coming.

- Bye. Thank you so much.
- Oh, buddy.

- Bye. Too many a*s gummies.

- They are really
kicking in now.

- Wow.
- Nathan.

- You okay to drive?
- Yep.

- We'll see.

- All right.

- Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God.

- Guys?

I got you an
anniversary present.

Have fun.

- Okay.

- Okay. Come on, let's go.

- Thank God for
the pickleballers.

- Are you sure this is okay?

- Yeah, they're gonna
cement it tomorrow.

Cameras haven't worked here
in years, so it's perfect.

- How come we never
talk about the baby?

- We talk about the baby.

- Uh, no, we don't.

We haven't even bought
anything for this little human.

I mean, we don't have a stroller

or car seats,
diapers... nothing.

Don't you think that's
a little bit weird?

- I guess.

Uh...

I mean, I'm super excited.

But I'm f*cking terrified.

- Yeah, me too.

I just want to be a good dad.

I don't wanna let you down.

- You could never let me down.

- Ava, come on, you've been...

You've been so excited
these last few months.

You're so... you're so alive.

It's because we're finally
getting somewhere, right?

- Yeah, but for me,

it was never about
getting somewhere.

It was about being together,

connecting again like
we used to, you know?

That's literally
all I ever wanted.

- That's all I wanted.

Let's do this.

- Wow.

- Oh, God, good job.

You know, we... we met

at a party for Taylor Lautner.

We were so young.

She was just, like, the
coolest girl in the room.

Everyone wanted
to be around her,

but we just... I don't know.

We just, like, bonded
and sat in a corner

and drank all night.

And she was the most
adorable, the most fun.

- And the one that
was gonna turn us in.

- Hey, where's the dart?

- Ahh!

- Ahh!

- f*ck!

- Oh, God!

No, don't!

- Ahh!

- Nathan?

Ruby, no, no.
Ruby, no, please!

Ruby, Ruby, please.
I'm so sorry.

Please, please.
- Oh, please don't.

- Ruby, I'm so sorry.
Ruby, no, no, no, no, no.

Ruby, no, no, no, please.

Please, please, my baby.

- f*ck the baby.

Ah!

Yes! Yes!

The hot b*tch wins
for f*cking once!

And you know what?

I'm gonna create my own podcast,

and it's gonna be called

"How My Shitty-a*s
Friends Protected

"a f*cking Serial k*ller
and Ended Up in a Ditch

Instead of Me," okay?

f*ck you!

- She looks so peaceful.

- Oh, God, oh, God.

- Okay.

Anything else you want to say?

- Yeah, hurry up.

We got a lot of cleanup to do.

- How long have we got?

- I don't know.

They're having a
sexy hotel night.

- That's perfect.

- Hey, we've gotta
tell them sometime.

- We will.

Oh, God, this dress.

- What about the
name Jack for a boy?

- I like that.
- I know. I do too.

It's, like, very old-school,
rock and roll, classic.

What up, Jack?
- Yeah.

Hey, what's up, Jack?
- What's up, Jack?

- Jack Nicholson.

- That's a cool kid.

- Jack Kerouac, Jack London.

- Like it.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- And what if it's a girl?

- I like the name Ellie.

- Oh, Ellie.

- Do you like that one?

- Ellie or Jack.

I love it.

- Yeah, me too. It's sweet.

- Oh...

whose blood is that?

both: Nice shot, Dad.