01x08 - One Shot

[bunniefuu]

I met this real, real, real
hot israeli girl, danielle.

Can I have a roll, please?

Don't worry,
you got a couple.

You're a d*ck, bro.

He needs to get his sh*t
handed to him.

[Rock music]

Vinny was hooking up
with some chick.

I pulled the robbery move
on him.

I told mike, "please,
I just got sick.

I need your help."

Oh, my god.

Are you serious right now?
Don't be a f*cking b*tch.

She got kicked out of the club
like a piece of trash.

If we take it back home.

Wait till you get back
in the hotel room.

I'm gonna knock him
the f*ck out.

[get crazy by lmfao]

Dj pauly d!

I'm going to the jersey shore,
b*tch!

All right,
we got a situation.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet.

[Laughing]

After I have sex with a guy
I will rip their heads off.

Go vinny! Go vinny!

Um, hello!

[Atreyu's ex's and oh's]

♪ ♪

♪ You took me home,
I drank too much ♪

♪ 'Cause of you,
my liver turns to dust ♪

Good night.
Good night, sweetie.

♪ Cold creeping,
cold pain ♪

Yo, how do I taste, bro?
That's all I wanna know.

Yo, how does my [bleep]
taste, bro?

I committed the robbery.

Yeah, you committed
a robbery.

Bro, I got her
and I passed her over to you.

The robbery was committed.

You're a little upset
right now.

Whoa.

Oh! What are you doing?

All of a sudden,
jenni starts coming at me.

Throwing out the wig,

Throwing out the fake nails.

Tch, tch, tch,
coming at you hard.

I'm just like, "damn."

Chill the f*ck out.

I got her, I got her.
Get the f*ck out of here.

Don't hit him.
What'd he do?

Get off me!
Get out of here.

Are you gonna
punch me in the face?

He kicked me
out of the club.

I kicked you
out of the club?

Get the f*ck out of here.

Punch me in the face?

All: ohh!
See what I'm sayin'?

Good night.

Pah!

And like f*cking connected

To this kid's cheek.

Ohh!
Ooh!

See what I'm saying?

The power
that was behind it,

It was some
f*cking video game sh*t.

It was nuts.
Right? That ain't right.

Bro, she's a girl, bro.

Yo, dog, go to sleep.

You gonna
let her get to you?

Vinny, don't.
She's a girl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

f*ck.
Jen, don't!

[Overlapping arguing]

Yeah, that's what you are.
Horrible.

That's why it takes three guys
to hold me back, right?

Oh, my god, takes too much
testosterone, girl.

f*cking-
ha ha!

Go home, girl.

Get the f*ck out of here.

[Laughing] I think
the fact that mi...

That mike... Got punched
in the face by jenni

Is pretty funny.

Did you see that?
I'm straight.

I tried to get her off you.

It couldn't have been
more perfect.

If it was, like,
pauly or ronnie,

That'd be like
a different story, you know?

But it's mike.

Hey, you all right
in there?

Constantly
running his mouth,

Talking sh*t,
blah, blah, blah.

Hor-ri-ble.

Just stop.
Just let her alone.

f*cking h*.

I would love for that girl
to come at me again.

Punch like this.
She did a swim move!

She just hit like that, man.
Is she a man?

Do I hit back?
Or is she a girl?

I don't know
what the f*ck to do.

But I would toss her out
like the trash, real quick.

She came out swingin', bro.

Yo, I came home,

And this broad tried
to hit me tonight, twice.

She said she was
gonna punch you.

I was like, 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Laughing] I was like,
"oh, sh..."

We have a week left
in the house,

And I think, like,
everyone's starting to

Not give a f*ck.

You know what I mean?

At this point, I think,
like, people are past,

Like, hurting
people's feelings,

And, like, dealing
with other people's sh*t.

And I think a lot of people
are gonna start exploding

On a lot of people right now.

I wanna call tom.
I'm gonna leave.

No, you're not leaving.

I'm not staying for this.

Okay.
There's f*cking one week.

If you leave, I'm gonna
stuff your f*cking nose

With tampons.

[Laughing]
now shut the f*ck up.

You're not leaving.

Can't wait to see that f*cking
wh*re in the morning.

[Scoffs]

Okay, let's go.
[Mumbling indistinctly]

Guys, let's go.

[Cough]

Bye, a.c.

[Rock ballad]

♪ ♪

It's so good to be home.

I know.

Home sweet f*cking home.

[Whispering]
I'm gonna throw up.

Hello?
Hi.

Hi.
What's up?

Nothing. What's wrong?

I hit a roommate.

Mike.

Why?

I hit him, like, three times.

For what?

Names were being called.

Um, I threw up
at the night club.

I needed someone
to come home with.

Why were you throwing up?

'Cause I drank too much.

That's all you have
to f*cking say?

I don't understand
why you can't control that.

No, I wanted a good time.

You're not my f*cking father.

It upsets me when you get
that f*cking wasted.

So what happened after that?

He didn't hit you back, right?

No, but names
were called and...

What do you mean
by names being called?

I don't wanna f*cking
repeat anything.

He's got ba*ls, and he's gonna
see what happens.

Not happy at all.

I'd rather not f*cking play
this game

And have, like, another
miserable f*cking week.

I don't know.
I need to go lay down.

I don't feel so well.

Okay, call me if you need me.

Okay.
Love you. Bye.

I'm pretty much
over j-woww.

I'm not even gonna
speak to jenni.

Not even gonna talk to her
or look at her.

She's not even worth
me looking at her.

And she's not the only one

That I have a problem with
in this house.

There's one person
in this house

That continues
to talk sh*t.

Continues-
continues to talk sh*t.

Who?
Vinny.

Vinny has been talking
some serious smack lately,

And I'm getting sick of it.

Bro, you're f*cking


I would never
want to be like you

When I'm 27 years old.
Really?

Yeah.
And you have no game at all.

That's not what
your sister thinks.

I don't wanna be that guy
that does what mike does,

You know what I mean?

He's always a creep like that.

Come on, mike.
Honestly, relax.

Everybody in this house
sh*t-talks.

You gotta be stronger
and not let people get to you.

Does he bother you?

Like, does he
say stuff to you?

No, no, no,
but it's very obvious.

Like, he's walking with you...

Don't assume things.

You know what happens
when you assume.

Come on, sam.

I walk by, and I get this
smug little

f*cking punk-b*tch look.

It's like,
you know what, dude?

There's f*cking three,
four days left.

Then don't-
then leave him...

Shut the f*ck up
before I shut you up.

You're better than that.

If somebody continues
to talk sh*t,

I'm going to smack them.

[Smack]

Which one do you like-
the curly,

The blonde,
or the black hair?

Shut up.

She's like a stalker type.

I hate that.

You dress like
a f*cking wh*re.

I can wear whatever
the f*ck I want.

f*cking tough guy.
f*cking...

Move! Move!

So vinny, um,
he's got three girls

That are gonna meet us

And, um,
they're all cute girls.

We met 'em creeping one day
on the boulevard.

You serious?
Come on.

They're strict.

They're really cool chicks.

We actually like
hanging around with them.

They're mad fun,
and they're hot.

They're nice to look at.

But, um, I kind of have plans

With the israeli chick,
danielle.

But I don't know.
She's kind of annoying.

So I'm not in the mood
to hang out with her.

[Cheering]

♪ Having way too much fun ♪

[Fireworks popping]

♪ Feels so good,
want some more ♪

What a coincidence.
Danielle, she's there.

Pauly d.
What's up?

Pauly's girl danielle
comes, like, out of nowhere.

So I'm seeing this,
and I'm, like,

Kind of giggling to myself,
you know what I mean?

Like, 'cause it's so awkward.

Nothin'.

I'll call you
when I get home.

Later.

It's funny.

You guys wanna hit up
the arcade too,

Tonight, or not?

Whatever you wanna do.

[Giggles]

How are you?

How are you doing tonight?

Ohh.

I just saw keith
at the shore store.

Keith's the guy I met
the other night at the bar.

So I'm like, hey.
He's like looking good.

Like, I really
don't remember his face,

Because I was wasted.

I was like,
"yeah, let's hang out,

Maybe do some dancing."

♪ He's got me shook
up and down ♪

♪ He's got me feeling now ♪

♪ The way he moves,
he shakes the room ♪

♪ Is rocking,
I don't know how ♪

♪ But I know he likes it ♪

♪ Can't deny it ♪

♪ He's got me shook up,
shook up now ♪

Me and vinny
just have the girls.

We go to the arcade,
play some games.

One of the girls
wanted to get a tattoo.

Samantha, I don't know if
your foot's big enough for this.

[Laughing]
I know.

We're just
having a good time.

And then, um,
I hear my name.

[Ominous music]

Danielle's actually
standing there.

That kind of freaked me out.

Me and vinny are looking
at each other like,

"Holy sh*t."

Oh, my god.

I did the star of david
by myself.

Hell, no,
I ain't wearin' that shirt.

All right.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Do you see what I'm saying?

At this point,
I'm starting to think,

She's mad weird, that chick.

[Indistinct chatter]

No, go hop on my back.

You're in the movies.
[Laughs]

Let me jump on your back.

Ride 'em cowboy.

Keith's a really, like,
romantic, good guy.

So that's, like,
a big turn-on for me,

'Cause I never met a guy
like that.

No, I don't want
your a*s hanging out

For the rest of my...

[Laughing]

I told him to put me down,
'cause I'm not trashy.

Unless I drink too much.

Well, only you can see it.
Not everybody.

Oh, okay, okay.

[Laughing]
I give you permission.

Holy [bleep].

She wants to do it,
so you have to do it.

Yeah, let's do it.
Ah, no, I'm good.

Blonde chick, she wants to go
on the real scary ride

That I love.

See ya!

[Rock song]

♪ ♪

[Girl screaming]

Hell, yeah.

Hell, yeah.

Whoo! Yeah.

I go on the ride
and I come down.

That was crazy.

Thanks, man.

[Suspenseful music]

Are you kidding me?

I couldn't even believe it.

I thought I was seeing things.

When are you going home?

A little while.

Oh, my god.

That's f*cking crazy.

You understand
what I'm saying?

Wow.

Yo, pauly d has a little
situation on his hands.

She's definitely
a stage five clinger.

Let's go home.

I am, in a few minutes.

In my head, I'm like,
"go home?

Like, I didn't even want
to deal with it anymore.

Shut up.

I'll call you
when I get home,

Like I told you.

Now, this is the third time
I told the israeli,

"I'll call you
when I get home."

I really don't know what
I'm gonna do with this girl.

I seen her stalking us.

Yeah, the whole time, man.

It's crazy, I was like, "I'll
call you when I get home."

What's gonna happen?

These girls were so nervous
about danielle,

We ended up just saying
good-bye to these chicks.

I got their number.

We're gonna end up chilling
with those girls later.

[Phone quacking]
this is them.

Watch, they're not coming.

No, no, no.
That's danielle, um...

I'm not answering it.
Yeah, not even answer it.

What if it's them?

Answer it.
And just be like, um...

Say you're mike.

I'm mike?
I'm not here.

Hello?

Hi, can I speak
to pauly, please, mike?

Uh, yo, mike's not he-[laughs]

Hello?
Yo. Yeah, hello?

Yeah, who's this?
Vinny?

Nah, it's mike.

Mike, can I speak
to pauly, please?

Uh, he's not here
right now.

He went to, uh, um...

Yeah, he went
to the boardwalk.

He went to the boardwalk.
Um...

Mike's impression goes
a little something like this.

Yo, what's up?
My man at home.

Yo, the house is cool.

And, you know, everything
is copastetic.

And I'm just going
with the flow and sh*t.

Yo, who this?

All right.
Yo, jenni!

Yo, you know when
pauly's coming back?

Yo, danielle, you want me
to take a message?

No, I'm good.

You sure? You sure?

Yeah, it's all good.
Bye.

All right, bye-bye.

A'ight, kiss,
I'll talk to you later.

Peace.

I told you I would call you,
I will call you.

But, no, she can't...

So I'm not gonna call her,

And then I'll wait
for her to call me again,

'Cause I know she will,

And then I'll
tell her the deal.

I can't have that.
She's too crazy.

[Phone quacking]

Take the phone
off the hook.

Till you stalked my whole life
on the boardwalk.

It's my turn to talk.
It's my turn to talk.

Yeah, pauly!

I am not a stalker!
Yes, you are.

You don't know somebody
in 2 days or 27 days!

At this point, people are
getting sick of mike.

Neither of you guys
f*cking know me.

You're a d*uche bag.

[Phone beeping off the hook]

Yo, the israeli chick
was stalking tonight.

That's messed up.

I'm bored.

Go wake up snookers.

Ah, she's probably sucking
on a pickle right now.

Yo, that's what
I want to do.

I want to put pickles
underneath her bed.

[Laughter]

So she's gonna be like,
"what's that smell?

It's like, "it smells
so good in here."

It was about 2:00
in the morning,

And we decided to play
a little joke on snickers.

So I was like,
"you know what?

"She loves pickles so much.

"Let me slice up, like,
ten pickles

And neatly
place them under her bed."

It's not like her room
is neat to begin with.

That's a lot of pickles.

But her room is gonna smell
exactly the way she likes.

I know.

I mean,
this is what she likes.

She likes pickles
in her mouth, but, you know...

I figured she loved
the nice aroma of sliced,

Um, dirty pickles.

You distract her,

And I will place them
nicely around the room.

Hey, snicks.

[Nicole groans]

Are you sleeping?

No, go away, please.

Ah. Good night.

Mm.

You're gonna crash my party?

Oh, what a night.

Go away!

[Laughing] snookers!

I thought you was
my b.f.f.

I hate you all.

All right, b.f.f.

Good-bye, snooks.
Mwah!

Good night.
Good night.

[Both laughing]

[Whispering]
that was a lot of pickles.

That was a lot
of pickles.

Probably more
than she's used to.

[Laughing]
what else could we do?

Vinny is probably knocked
the f*ck out right now.

Vinny?
Hmm.

So situation
goes in the kitchen

And he starts making
this concoction,

Like this stink b*mb
to put underneath vinny's bed.

Ooh.

[Laughing]

Vinny has been
hating on me.

So what I decided to do...

[Laughs]

Was get about, like,
three inches of grated cheese,

Add a little milk,

A little supreme dressing,

A tiny bit of mayo,

And a little of snicker's
pickle juice,

All wrapped in one.

A little hater-aide.

[Laughter]

You spilled the hater-aide.

[Laughing]

Snuck it right under
vin's bed

While he was sleeping
like a baby.

[Laughing]

He'll never find it,
'cause, like,

Under his bed already
is, like, socks.

It smells
under there already.

That hater juice
is best served cold.

[Both laughing]

Ohh.

[Snoring]

[Fly buzzing]

[Snort]

[Sniffs]

This morning, um,

There's a really weird smell
in the house.

It kind of smells like
old funk juice.

I kind of has a little
pickly smell to it too.

[Sniffs]

[Spraying]

I wake up around 1:00,

And I smell f*cking pickles.

Who put that there?

That's, like, really gross.

Oh, god.

I knew it was pauly
and mike.

I'm not pissed off
that they

Put pickles under my bed
as a joke,

But I'm pissed off
that mike and pauly wasted,

Like, two pickles.

[Sink running]

Dorks.

Did that girl danielle
call for pauly?

That jewish girl.

No. Why?
What happened?

Been stalking his life.

Apparently she, like,
stalked him out.

Any girl
that makes you a shirt

If you've only hung out,
like, three days,

That says,
"I heart jewish girls"

With an italian flag in it,

There's something a little,
like, screw's loose up here.

She st*lks him now?
Yeah.

She was following him
around on the rides...

He was with another girl
last night,

And she, like, followed him.
What?

And called, like, all night,
and called this morning.

Is he freaked out by it?

No, she would call,
and he would...

He wouldn't
answer the phone anymore.

Yeah, she called last night.

I picked up, and he just
left it off the hook.

I find that
fully entertaining.

Me too. [Laughing]

That girl is gonna
go psycho on him.

What is wrong with this girl?

[Phone quacking]

Hello?

Yes?

Yeah. Heh.

Yo, you wanna
take your call?

Who is it?
Danielle.

[Gasps] yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, let me get some popcorn.
Hold on.

This danielle chick
is making me crazy.

Just met the girl,
and, um,

She already stalked
my whole life.

What's up?

Uh, I don't know what's wrong
with you, seriously.

But there's one thing
that you should know about me.

Uh-huh?
I don't like to be played.

You don't like to be played?
Okay.

I feel stupid.
Okay.

Is it my turn to talk yet?

Wait!
Okay.

To f*cking do what you did
yesterday is f*cked up.

Okay, my turn yet?
If you're not gonna call,

Then don't say
you're gonna call.

It's just... Is that you?

'Cause I thought you were
somebody else.

My turn yet?
That's the... Wait!

Okay.
I'm not stupid.

Okay.

If you're that guy,

Then we don't need this.

Just go do your thing,
go with all the little girls.

Do whatever you need to do,
and that's it.

Now it's your turn.
Okay.

So you stalked my whole life
on the boardwalk.

And then, when I got home,

I had every intention
of calling you,

But you had already called,

And you said you wasn't
gonna call,

So you stalked my whole life
on the boardwalk...

It's my turn to talk.

It's my turn
to talk.

You stalked my whole,
entire life, right?

And I don't like that.

I do nothing wrong,
and you know how I feel about...

I'm talking now.
Uhh!

You know
how I felt about you.

You just have
no trust whatsoever,

So you thought I was
creeping with those chicks,

Which I wasn't.

I went on one ride.

God bless me,
it's f*cking summer.

Yes, I was upstairs on a balcony
with three chicks

And three dudes.

Did I do anything?
No.

All we did was had
a conversation, that's it.

All those girls
have boyfriends.

If you weren't such
a f*cking stalker,

I would have called you
when I got home.

Instead-
I am not a stalker!

Yes, you are! It's crazy.
I can't deal with that.

I'm not a stalker,
and I'm not crazy.

I don't want to look stupid!
Don't wanna look stupid?

Don't you think
that makes you look stupid?

You're like,
"I'm not calling,"

And you called like 100 times.

I didn't call 100 times.

How many times did you call?
Three!

We took the phone
off the hook last night.

All I wanted to do
was call you when I got home,

So we could hang out.

You wouldn't let that happen.

You were so worried
of how you're gonna look,

Because people see me walking
with three girls that,

"Oh, my god, blah blah,
I don't want to look stupid."

Well, now look
how stupid you look.

Pauly, what do people
tell you about me on this...

[Laughter]

Yeah, pauly!

Danielle is definitely
out of the picture now.

I think she got the point.
I mean, I hung up on her.

Danielle is not looking
for, like, a hookup.

She's looking for a husband.

And, uh,
I'm not ready for that.

I'm done.

[Laughter]

She'll come over here
with a shotgun.

Why does it smell so bad?
Smells bad in there.

They put stuff
under your bed.

Next thing you know,
the guy came back at us.

And that's when ronnie
just, like, ran.

What the hell?
Ronnie! Ronnie! Ronnie!

You look really cute
in that little sweatshirt.

You do.
Thank you.

You say that to me
every day.

It's obvious that sammi
has a crush on me.

I mean, it's obvious.

It goes back to the days
of prehistoric kindergarten.

You're the only person
that gets on me

That I don't, like,
get at hard.

No, 'cause I do it
out of funnings.

You do... The other people
in the house,

Like, vinny sometimes
bothers me,

'Cause he hates on me
behind my back.

So what I recently did,

Which nobody knows about
but pauly,

Is that, um...

Oh, no.
Tell me.

What?

Well, since he always
talks about me behind my back

Like a rat,

I decided to get
some parmesan cheese,

This much milk,

Uh, caesar dressing,
some mayonnaise,

And a little bit
of pickle juice,

And put it under his bed.

And he says,
"why does it smell like..."

[Laughing] oh, my god!

[Indistinct]

[Laughter]

Smells bad in here!

Why does it smell so bad?

Smells bad in there.

Yo, the cab's here.

Everybody, come on.

We're heading to bowling.

We're gonna, you know,
do something together,

Fun, an activity that we
haven't done before.

So I'm excited about it.

We're all in?
Yep.

Who did?
Mike.

Oh, that's why
it smells in there?

Mike just told me at work.
Shh.

Mike just told me at work.
We didn't know.

Don't... Don't say anything.

I never told you.

You never told me,
don't worry.

I'll get him back.
Get him, please.

Can you?
Why do you think I was going,

"Yo, it smells like
cheddar cheese."

I like you, and I hope if
they ever do anything to me,

You would tell me.

[Laughter]

Shake that one off, jenni!

Go snickers.

I'm really excited.
I love bowling.

So I want to, like,
school all these kids.

f*ck me.

[Laughing]
you jinx me every time.

I feel like there's a lot
of tension with me and mike.

And we only have, like,
less than a week in the house.

So I'm trying to make sure
me and mike are on civil terms.

I don't think we need
any more fighting in the house.

No, no, you hit me
really good after the club.

Yeah, but I was, like,
at the club, I went like this.

Then you kicked me out.
You were like, "bye."

You gotta admit that you
shouldn't have done that.

What you did at the nightclub
you shouldn't have done.

I was like,
"please bring me home.

"I'm throwing up.
Please.

I need you."

And you were like,
"f*ck you, like..."

I didn't... I didn't say-
get out of my face.

No, no, no, no.
I didn't say, "f*ck you."

I might have
put the hand up.

You smacked me, 'cause you
should have never smacked me.

I was with some chick.

This is how I look at it.

You had 40 minutes
left at the club.

Your roommates is throwing up,

Begging you
to bring her back.

There were
other roommates there.

I understand that you-
it was you and pauly.

I understand that you
look to me as a father figure.

I'm joking, I'm joking.
Ha! You are.

Maybe I didn't notice

The severity
of how sick you were.

But I never said
anything mean to you

Until you smacked me.

Whatever, whatever.

Everybody had a lot
of alcohol that day.

We'll try to f*cking
chill it out,

And then we'll see.

Jenni, you know,
she's got a good left punch,

So, you know, just gonna
watch out for that.

I hit you hard, though?

[Laughing]
you did, you did.

Sorry.
It's all right.

That was fun.
You guys bowled good.

Who's got the coupon
for the taxi?

Mike tried to play
a prank on me.

He tried to put cheese,
mixed in a bowl,

Under my bed
and leave it there.

[Liquid trickling,
toilet flushes]

It actually doesn't
frustrate me.

I like when people
f*ck with me,

Because I know I have
every right to get them back,

And to get them back
even harder.

I can't wait
to get this.

Yo, mike, you're done.

You still have not
brought home a girl

Better-looking than sam.

Don't lie sam, 'cause
I hooked up with you first!

Who gives a f*ck
if I held your hand?

I'm done with
this bullshit!

What's so wrong
with meeting guys at the club

And kissing them?

Like, I just wanna find a guy
that wants to settle down.

Like, have a commitment.

He put stuff
under your bed.

[Toilet flushes]

We wanna see why
f*cking vinny's room

Smells so bad.

Come on, come on, come on.
Why does my room smell?

'Cause of my clothes?
Why?

Oh, wait...

Smells-
why does it smell so bad?

Smells bad in there.

I guess there's nothing
under my bed.

All: oh!

I think your room
was so dirty,

You didn't know
what was under here.

I know, man.
It's probably in this sh*t.

I thought there might be
some kind of bowl or something

Under my bed.

Sometimes rats keep extra
food under the bed.

Doesn't seem like
that happened to me,

'Cause there's nothing
under my bed.

For the last two days,
it was there, though.

You know what I mean,
there's nothing...

The last two days.
I don't know if you noticed...

But it's not there right now,
and your joke didn't work.

Yeah, it did work, 'cause
it smelled pretty bad in here

In the last day or two.
Okay. Feel good about it?

I did feel
a little bad about it...

Ah, don't feel bad.
It's all good, bro.

But at the same time,
it was a practical joke...

It's all good, bro.

And people said you were
talking mad sh*t about me

Behind my back,
and rats... Rats eat cheese.

It's all good, bro.
So that's what you got.

Vinny was definitely
very angry

About the whole cheese
situation

And that he was a rat,

And he didn't even do nothing.

I guess he probably
knew it was true.

So vin, the room was
smelling for a little bit.

Who told you about that?

I have no idea what
you're talkin' about.

At this point,
people are getting sick of mike,

The way he acts,
the way he goes around

Bragging about sh*t that
he shouldn't be bragging about.

You know that some of
the sh*t you do

Is a little bit on the line
of embarrassment,

You know what I mean?

Like your swagger,
the way you talk to girls,

This and that.

I can't bring girls
to this house, bro.

That's the only reason
why, like,

I got this tension
toward you, bro, because...

I really don't give
a f*ck what anybody thinks.

If they don't like me,
they can go f*ck themselves.

I'm just letting you know
why I beef with you.

And I do it... I'm talking about
my sh*t to your face,

Not sh*t behind your back.

The same person I met
the first week

Was not the same person
I met now.

Agreed.
You started changing, bro.

You're a nice guy, bro,

And then, f*ck, in front
of everybody else,

You're a d*uche bag.

You just start sh*t
for no reason,

'Cause you love when people
talk sh*t about you.

You love
when people hate you,

And you love being like
up on that pedestal.

I really don't like vinny
to begin with and...

You don't see me
attacking anybody

Like, "oh, I don't like
the way you talk

Or the way you walk."

I don't give a f*ck
the way you talk.

That's not you, bro.

You know what I'm saying?
Like... Be you.

Like we like you
for you, bro.

Like ronnie,
like for real,

You need to explain yourself,
'cause you don't know me.

But everyone knows
what I'm talking...

Neither does he
know me neither!

We f*cking known for
f*cking 27 days, all right?

Neither of you guys
f*cking know me!

The real comes out, bro.

Yeah, the real m*therf*cker
comes out.

And I been the same m*therf*cker
for 27 days!

You haven't.
You haven't.

Have I got girls every day?
Yeah.

Have they not been pretty?

Some days, no.
Some days, yes.

Situation, believe it or not,
like how he acts,

Whether you like it or not,
that's him.

He's been like that with me
since day one.

You don't have to like him.
He doesn't have to be your boy.

Who's anyone to judge
anyway?

You don't know somebody
in 2 days or 27 days.

You'll never get a girl
over me, son,

'Cause I get 'em first.

I always will get
a girl over you.

You know, 'cause I have
the best ten,

f*cking, I've ever seen,

And you're still bringing home
threes, fours, and fives.

You still have not
brought home a girl

Better looking than sam.

Actually, I hooked up
with sam first.

So what's up?
I have the best thing.

That's why you're still
creepin' on her.

I ain't creepin' on nobody!
You do, you're still salty.

Yes, you are.
I see the looks, bro.

This whole thing is with sam.

She wants nothing
to do with you.

I closed that deal
a long time ago, bro.

I already got the title
for that closing, you know,

Like come on, bro.

Don't lie, sam, 'cause
I hooked up with you first!

But who did she sleeping with
at night, bro?

I don't care
who she sleeps with.

I bring home girls
every night.

Every time mike
came home with a girl,

The first thing that came
out of his mouth was,

"Yeah, she was cute."

I've had sh*t in between my toes

That looked better than her.

Mike, if I didn't live
with you,

I would have cracked you
a long time ago, bro.

Like I'm some real sh*t like...

I'm like you f*cking brought,

Like, a wrong f*cking turn into
that sh*t.

I'm done with this
bullshit.

Like what the f*ck?

Who gives a f*ck if I held
your hand?

Who gives a f*ck if we made out,

Who gives a f*ck if you made out

With every girl in this house?

I don't even care.
I'm goin' to bed.

[Overlapping yelling]

What do you have to
talk sh*t for?

I did nothing to you.

That's one shot!

That's one shot, kid!

[Siren]

Run. Get over here.

My shirt is a medium.

My boobs are so tight,
I can't breathe.

Is that normal?

We're going to karma tonight.

I'm ready to just
blow this out of the water.

I want us all to have
a good time without no drama.

I'm goin' now.
And I guessed it.

I guessed it.
Snookers.

Snicks, looks like you're
going to a pajama party, girl.

[Giggles]

Snooki's outfit is crazy.
She looks like a birthday cake.

She's all decorated
and dressed up

With the pink,
boobs all out up in her face.

I guess she wants to go out
with a big bang... Literally.

[Dramatic music]

Let's go.
Dude, I need my cell phone.

The other cab already left.
Hurry up.

Where's vinny?
Is he in here?

They ran away.

What's more crowded tonight,
bamboo or karma?

Oh!

[Dance music plays]
pump it up, homeboy!

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Hoo-whoo!
Hoo-whoo!

[Whooping]

What a coincidence
danielle,

She's there at the bar
again.

Oh, my god,
pauly's girl danielle

Kinda just came
out of the woodwork.

It's so f*cking weird.

You know,
you're f*cking embarrassing me.

You embarrass me.

You wanna dance?
No, I don't wanna f*cking...

I hate you!
I didn't do anything, bro.

Danielle turned out to be
a little stalkerish,

A little crazy, and she's
like a real jealous chick.

And she says that she
wasn't gonna be jealous,

But she is jealous.

What's up, son?

What the f*ck are you doing?

Chillin'.

A'ight yo?

No, no,
is everything good?

Yeah, yeah, we're good.
All right.

Pauly's really not trying
to fall in love at seaside,

And unfortunately
for danielle,

That's a big blow.

What's so wrong with
meeting guys at the club

And kissing them, honestly?

It's just making out.

Not like having sex,
you know.

Which I haven't had yet.

You don't?

What?

Yeah!

Yeah, right there.
Look.

There. Right there.

Like I just wanna
find a guy

That wants to like
settle down, you know?

Like have a commitment.

Obviously, I'm not gonna
find it at the shore.

Listen, I'm a good girl.

Maybe we should
break up then.

Maybe we should.
All right, break up.

That's not what
you want, though.

f*cking as*h*le.

If it wasn't what you want,

You wouldn't even
have came today.

What do you want?

I feel that danielle
like wants to get married.

No lie, like I met
the girl for a couple of days.

Like I think she's like...
Wants to see herself with me.

And it sounds crazy,
but that's how it is with her.

You never know
what's in store for pauly d.

I love a challenge.

[Laughing]
I already seen seaside.

I found a guy
that I really like

That has all the qualities
that I want.

He was hot,
I was happy

That I found actually
a hot guy.

Didn't really have muscles
but, you know, whatever.

I'll settle for him.
Don't piss me off.

All right, come on.
Let's go.

My boy right here.

I'm serious.
Come on, sammi.

Want a sausage
when we get home?

No. Shut up.

Why am I from jersey,
wh*re?

Stop.

Sam, sam.

This girl is like
running her mouth

Like really bad
about snookis,

And I'm standing there like,

"Girl, shut your mouth."

I didn't give a f*ck.
I was wearing my corset.

I was like, you know what?
I look slutty.

But I don't give a sh*t.

I can wear whatever
the f*ck I want.

[Overlapping shouting]

I'll f*cking lay you out
so quick, bro.

Like honestly, bro.

The kid, like,
starts cursing at me.

What do you have to talk
sh*t for?

Like I did nothing to you.
I don't know you.

I never had a confrontation
with you before this night.

I didn't talk
to your girlfriend.

I didn't do anything
to disrespect you.

[Overlapping shouting}

Stop, stop, stop.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Guys...

Everybody,
move, move back!

Everybody move!

Security ends up
pushing the guy away,

Like get away,
get outta here.

Wrestled him.

And we all start
walking again.

Dirty, dirty people!

Haters!

I was like, all right,

Let me grab my three girls
and walk away.

I was in the front,
and ronnie was in the back.

I swear to god, bro...
Like I swear to god!

That f*cking kid.
Oh, my god.

[Overlapping chatter]

Next thing you know,

The guy I guess got rid
of the security

And thought he was like
bad-a*s tough guy

And came back at us,

And that's when ronnie
just like ran.

Can this girl-
hey, come back here!

Hey!
Ronnie, ronnie, ronnie!

Oh, f*ck that sh*t.

Seriously, bro?

That's one shot!

That's one shot, kid!

That's one shot!

Oh, [bleep]!

Oh, my god!

Hey, come back here!

Hey!
Ronnie, ronnie, ronnie!

Oh, f*ck that sh*t.

Seriously, bro?

Get the f*ck out of here, bro.

That's one shot!

That's one shot, kid.

That's one shot!

Oh, sh*t!

f*ck, I had to hit him, bro.

Knocked his a*s out!

Damn, the kid's
sleeping right now.

That's what you get
for talking sh*t.

Are you kidding me, bro?

Oh, sh*t!

[Siren whooping]

Oh, sh*t.

Everyone go home.
Come on.

[Siren whooping]

Keep walking, man.

No, go walk home, bro.

[Siren whooping]

He was like coming at us
for mad long.

He swung at me.
It was self-defense.

I did nothing wrong.

Yeah!
I'm not gonna lie to you.

Seriously, we were
trying to go home.

No, he swung at me.
I swear to god.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

[Dramatic music]

Turn around.

Really? Come on, bro.

It was self-defense, bro.
Like, honestly...

It was for a reason...

Why is ronnie
in the car right now?

He shouldn't be
in the f*cking cop car.

Sam. Sam!

What?

Let him be.

Yeah, but this is
f*cking ronnie.

It's not anybody.

He's not gonna go in a cell.
He's not gonna go in a cell.

They'll put him
in processing...

He's not gonna go in a cell.
We'll finish it right now.

We're gonna finish it
right now.

Dude, ron, like why did you
have to punch him?

Now look.
Look at the situation you're in.

♪ Two fists of rage
came crashing down ♪

♪ Up from above the sky ♪

♪ And now it seems
that everyone ♪

♪ Is asking questions why ♪

♪ We never saw it comin' ♪

♪ Never knew
what was in store ♪

♪ Nothing will ever be
the same ♪

♪ The way it was before ♪

♪ A part of every one of us ♪

♪ Has seemed to die inside ♪

♪ Now you're about to learn ♪

♪ The things that make us
unified ♪

♪ Changed ♪

[Whispering]