♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
[BARKS]
WOMAN: Benji! Benji, come here.
Stop that barking!
Benji! Heel, Benji!
♪ I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter...
♪ ..I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter
♪ And make-believe it came from you ♪
♪ I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter
♪ And make-believe
it came from you ♪
Oi!
Do you want me to ring the doorbell
for you, an' all?
Arthur told me you was a driver.
He didn't mention nothing
about you being a comedian.
It's all part of the service,
Micky.
- Is that right?
- Yep.
Listen, son,
you are temporary round here.
Don't you forget it.
Don't you start taking liberties.
And another thing.
When I'm in the back and you're in the front,
steering, it's Mr Metcalfe, right?
Mr Metcalfe-Right.
[BUZZER]
[BUZZER]
Probably gone out.
[BUZZER]
[BUZZER]
All right, Micky.
Keep your little knickers on.
Micky.
- Hello.
- Come on, Susie! It's me!
Who's me?
I don't know any mes.
Another comedian.
[BUZZER]
You been invited somewhere?
- Well, no, I suppose not, no.
- No, you're dead right.
Listen, you take a turn round the block
and come back in 20 minutes.
You ain't got 20 minutes in you, son.
Susie?
Where are you?
I laid odds with my bookie this afternoon
that you wouldn't be ready.
Don't disappoint me, will you?!
Oh, Micky,
as if I'd do a thing like that.
Oi!
Hello, Eddie!
Oh, come on.
It's me, isn't it?
I haven't got that old, have I?
Hello, Terry!
What are you doing here?
If I had a big blue hat,
I'd ask you the same thing.
- You're not nicking that, are you?
- Would I bother?
No, I suppose not, no.
Just by your foot there.
Oh, yeah.
You gave me a start, that's all.
- You ain't doing too bad, are you?
- This? Nah, nah.
No, I'm just driving a geezer
round in it for a couple of days, that's all.
- Mate of Arthur's.
- Listen, I've got to move.
I've got to pick someone up.
You still drink in the same places?
- Yeah. More or less, yeah.
- All right.
I'll sort you out.
We'll have a few, yeah?
Yeah, nice one.
Yeah, mind how you go, eh?
- See you, Terry.
- Ta-ta, mate.
Yes, there's gonna be a lot of big
people there tonight, doll.
Pop stars, all that rubbish.
Oliver Reed might even
take a look in.
So, listen,
I want you to make 'em cross-eyed.
I want to go in there feeling like Napoleon
with Josephine on his arm. Or...
Or Clark Gable with... Scarlett...
what's it... Scarlett...
- Fever?
- Eh?
You can't be Clark Gable
AND Napoleon.
Unless you go in fancy dress.
- Do my zip up for me, would you?
- Yeah.
Well...
you know what I mean,
don't you?
I want them to look at me
and think,
'Ooh, that Micky the Fish,
he's a lucky b*stard.'
Cos that's the way I feel
when I'm with you.
They more likely to wonder
where your wife is, don't you think?
- Where is she anyway?
- She's in Yorkshire.
- Don't worry about her.
- I don't.
What's she doing there?
Pot-holing without a guide book,
I hope.
No, she's got relatives up there.
Hundreds of them.
She does a sort of a grand tour.
- On my cheque book.
- You're a generous man, Micky.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I want to treat myself
tonight.
So, listen. You put on all the good stuff,
Susie, eh?
All the sparklers, earrings, you know
what I mean? You put them on.
It's nice to hear it the other way
round for a change.
Here, what do you mean,
the other way round?
What's wrong?
They're not here. It's all gone.
Gone?
What do you mean, gone?
My jewellery,
my necklace and everything.
I've put it within that box
and it's gone.
Are you saying it's been stolen?
All that stuff I gave you?
Are you trying to tell me it's been nicked?!
No, Micky.
I had it on toast for breakfast.
Look, it was in that box this afternoon
and it's not there now, is it?
Who's been here?
Nobody's been here.
And I haven't been out.
And that's the truth.
Well, if that's the truth,
where ARE they?!
It's like Fort Knox here, you know.
You can't just stroll in!
What happened?
They fly in and out of the window, did they?!
Nobody would climb up that, would they?
They couldn't.
Some people will do anything,
sweetheart, believe me.
I've been robbed.
I've been robbed!
Robbed?
What do you mean, robbed?
You know, robbed.
Deprived of, plundered.
Burgled!
Go away.
No thief in his right mind
would rob Micky the Fish.
He'd be better trying to breathe
underwater.
At that lovely house of his?
No, no. It's his bird's place
as it happened.
I've just dropped him off there.
He told me to go round the block a few times.
So I come back,
there's Old Bill all over the place.
- I thought they'd come for him!
- What, Micky? Ha-ha. Never!
He's not called a Fish for nothing.
He's slipped out of more trouble
than you've had left-hooks.
Well, well, well.
All I can say is...
I hope whoever did it
has got his affairs in order.
- It's not too bright a prospect, is it?
- No, it's...
Terry?
Say that again, would you?
Look me in the eye and say that again.
A very funny feeling
come over me just then.
Well, it was probably one of your
past lives going by.
No, no, never mind that.
And don't prevaricate.
- I asked you a question.
- No, you didn't.
You asked me
to look you in the eye.
Which is almost impossible.
- Cos they never stop sliding about.
- No, no. Stop all that.
I want to know were you concerned
in this burglary or not?
Come on. Own up. I am not
harbouring a thief on the premises.
Leave off! You'd be doing that
if you were here on your own!
I know you.
You can get very crafty
when there's a tart involved.
With your sexual parentheses,
you're very easily led.
What's this bint look like, anyway?
Listen, you! I did not
burgle Micky the Fish, right!
I did not rob him!
Mind you, I've got a shrewd idea
who might have, though.
- Eh?
- Eh!
Who?
Well, we don't know, do we?
But...
Well, when I was pootling
around just waiting, right,
not a million miles from the scene
of the crime, I saw Eddie Venables.
He was as jumpy as a rabbit.
Took off like one, an' all.
Eddie Venables?
Sounds like a plate of food.
Who's he?
I shared a Peter with him
for a while.
He was in for burglary.
He could climb anything, he could.
Mind you,
he did it half the time for fun.
- You know, like a rock climber.
- That's nice, isn't it?
While you're chauffeuring Micky around
under my personal representation,
one of your old college friends
is stealing his valuables.
I didn't say for definite, did I?
[PHONE RINGS]
I... I do not think this reflects
very well, Terence.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Yeah, speaking.
What?
Who is that?
Oh, hello, Mr Mikabwe.
Er... er...
Your policy?
Yeah. You've got 60 days on your cover note.
So you're not doing too bad, are you?
Not at all, Mr Mikabwe.
Thanks for calling. Keep in touch.
Bye-bye.
Now look, Terry...
Hey, what's this about
policies and cover notes, eh?
No, no!
Put that down!
- That is confidential information!
- Hold on, hold on.
Insurance proposal form.
Clam Assurance Limited.
Who the hell is Clam Assurance
when you're own them?
A very respectable company
in the Channel Islands.
Clam, see?
It's a cross between pearl
and shell, innit?
Not that I expect you
to understand that.
Well, I knew it had to be a cross
if you're involved.
Here, you're not starting your own
insurance company, are you?
Oh, dear.
There will be mass suicides at Lloyd's.
I am a fully appointed agent.
A very good friend of mine
has got this nice little company in Jersey.
And what with my connections
in the motor trade...
Oh, yeah?
What, all these Mikabwes and what have
you desperate to get on the road again?
Got a little bit of VAT, eh,
drink and drive they don't want to own up to?
It is all above board.
I'm giving my customers a service.
It... it...
Come out here.
Look. There you are.
Look. 'Insurance arranged.'
Would I put that up if it was
anything less than legal?
Legal, maybe.
But what do you get if you claim on it, eh?
A paper bag to pick up the bits?
Or a postcard from Jersey saying
'Sorry, the firm's gone bust'?
- There's legal and legal, isn't there?
- That's nothing to do with me, is it?
I mean, I'm just an agent.
It's a sort of commissionable situation, innit?
I'm not saying they'll get
satisfaction by return of p...
Where are you going?
I want to hear about this business
with Micky the Fish.
Yeah, I want to get this back to him
before one of your commissions hits it.
- He's had enough problems this morning.
- Hang on, hang on a second.
Just hang on, just hang on
So, from what you've told us, miss,
it would seem that this...
death-defying stunt
could only have been done
while you were otherwise
engaged in the bathroom.
While Micky here
was on his way over
on the wings of love, so to speak.
It's Mr Metcalfe to you, Chisholm.
Is it?
Oh, thanks very much, Micky.
I'll try and remember that. Well?
Yes, that's right.
Hamster,
are you getting this?
- I don't like the sound of this!
- Yes, Micky.
What Sergeant Chisholm
is implying in those words
is that he thinks
there's room for speculation
as to whether any robbery
actually took place last night.
Oh, well. Let's just say that,
at this point in time,
I'm a little skeptical.
I mean,
what have we got here?
Plaistow's answer to Don Corleone
claiming he's been turned over
by Spider-Man?
An occupied flat.
A few scuff marks
on a very improbable window ledge.
- Well...
- Yeah.
And 30 grand of my tom
gone missing!
Well, her tom.
But I paid for it.
And if I didn't need you for the
insurance claim, you wouldn't be here!
I'd had the b*stard letting him byes this
in 48 hours!
Ehm.
Micky...
Not in front of the nice policemen.
Perhaps you could continue
your inquiries elsewhere, Sergeant.
I think you have everything here.
In duplicate.
Well. For the moment, yes.
No doubt
we'll be in touch again.
Just one thing.
What is a well brought-up girl like you
doing in a place like this?
Everything you dream about,
Sergeant.
[BUZZER]
- Yes?
- Hello. It's...
It's Terry McCann here.
Mr Metcalfe's driver.
Yes, come up.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
The plot sickens.
What are you doing here, McCann?
I was just going to ask you
the same thing.
We're investigating
a jewel robbery on the premises.
That's what policemen do, see?
- Really?!
- Yeah, really.
Not that you'd know anything
about it, would you?
As a matter of fact, I spent two hours
with the plod last night.
Now, if you read your station notes...
[WELSH ACCENT]
..like policemen are supposed to do,
you'd know that, would you?
That was down to you.
What's he talking about?
- They weren't all in when I read them.
- Mine was.
I was in early.
- No, you were not!
- Now, come on.
- I hate these domestic scenes.
- Oi.
Look, I didn't do it.
I didn't see anything.
I didn't even park
on double yellow lines.
Very good, Terry.
Very succinct.
No doubt you'd like to enlarge
upon that at some later stage.
You know where I am. Iechyd da!
There's a turn-up, innit?
Terry McCann working for Metcalfe?
And Metcalfe being robbed
all of a sudden.
- What do you make of that, eh?
- Nothing!
I've got some of your reading
to catch up on first!
You know, just in case Lord Lucan
happen dropped in last night
and you haven't told me
about it yet!
Hello, I'm Terry.
Sorry to keep you hanging about.
I bumped into the Old Bill on their way out.
They've been here
half the morning.
- Come in.
- Ta.
[SHOUTING]
You're new, aren't you?
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
I wouldn't say new exactly, no!
[HE CHUCKLES]
I mean I haven't seen you before.
No, I don't normally work for Micky.
Ni, I'm just driving him while the
other fella takes his wife to...
It's alright. I know about the wife.
I'm a very understanding woman.
- Sorry about your jewellery.
- It's hardly mine.
I'd just took it for walks.
[SHOUTING]
Micky's rather upset about it
though.
Mind you,
he did pay for it.
- ..it's only police force...
- Alright!
I mean you heard that little oik,
Hamster!
They don't even believe
the gaff's been done over!
They think I'm pulling
a bleeding stroke here!
I'm afraid you did rather lend credence
to his skepticism, Micky,
when you made him aware
of our insurance claims.
I felt that was a bit premature.
They know all about that.
So what?
A point is what are they gonna do
about it?
Nothing!
And I've been robbed!
Some toerag out there
has robbed me!
Well, I want him, Hamster,
I want him.
I want his knuckles
in a bag for this one.
I want everyone out there
looking for him.
I see what you mean.
Not exactly taking it lying down, is he?
..before he even know.
Vodka and tonic, Dave.
When you got a moment.
Don't let me interrupt nothing,
Dave.
- I'm only a patron.
- Yeah [SIGHS].
You can anger an apple,
would you?
You're early.
What's up?
Capitalism gone a bit slack out
this morning?
Slack? If it gets any slacker,
I'll have her indoors taking in washing.
Not that she'd be any good at it,
mind you.
You must be down to your last
five grand now.
What? That?
No, just a bit of floating currency.
Till fodder
for the likes of you.
Do you know, Dave,
I haven't shifted a motor in three days.
Really?
You'll be getting withdrawal symptoms.
[CHUCKLES]
A warehouse
full of Peruvian leg-warmers.
- Peruvian leg-warmers?
- Yeah, from China, that nobody wants.
I've got that Terry on wages,
running around getting mixed up
in jewel robberies while I pay him.
[SIGHS] I tell you
I don't know where to turn for solace.
Yeah. Hang about.
What's this about a jewel robbery?
- Terry's not in trouble, is he?
- Trouble? That boy is trouble.
Bane of my life.
I get him a nice number
driving Micky the Fish and what happens?
Micky's tart gets relieved of her trinkets
while Young Lochinvar is sitting outside.
You... You've got him driving
for Metcalfe?!
Blimey. You're not fussy
who you rent him out to, are you?
No, there's nothing wrong with Micky.
A respectable businessman.
Limit accomplice.
Donations to the Tory party.
He's come a long way.
So it's not going to do my standing much good
with him as a man of references, is it?
I mean Terry's my boy.
I've got my reputation to consider.
Hardly a place for safekeeping
for such valuable items, is it, miss?
- Couldn't you have locked them away?
- I wasn't expecting burglars.
And I've been through all this
with the police.
I'm not quite sure, Mr Harbot,
quite how you fit into all this.
You seem remarkably
like another policeman to me.
That's probably because
I was a policeman, Miss.
I work as a loss adjuster
these days.
The insurance company calls me in
to make sure everything is above board.
No alarm systems, I see.
I would have screamed
but I didn't get the chance.
Hardly the same thing though, is it?
Mr Metcalfe arrived shortly afterwards,
I understand.
Yes, he did.
On his own, was he?
No other witness?
Yes,
he came up alone.
There was a driver
waiting for him downstairs.
I think the police
have spoken to him.
Yes.
Yes, I bet they would.
One of Mr Metcalfe's loyal servants,
I imagine.
No, a relief driver.
A very pleasant person
called Terry McCann.
Micky spent 30 grand on a bird?!
It says that here.
But there's nothing here about
Terry loitering with intent
so you can breathe again,
Arthur.
I'm just thinking about
what's best for him.
I mean with his record,
he can't afford to get besmirched
with that sort of skulduggery.
I see it, it is...
he-he...
his reputation, eh?
I wouldn't fret, Arthur.
With Micky's form,
he'll probably find that geezer himself.
Chop his fingers off,
and then turn him in
for the reward.
Eh?
What reward?
Bound to be, isn't there?
With that sort of price tag,
the insurance company is going to
offer a reward for recovery.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that.
That... That'd be quite a tidy
little sum, wouldn't it?
Yeah. About twice as much as you've got
in your wallet at the moment, I'd say.
Stick another one in there, will you Dave?
Make it a big one.
Who could have pulled
something like this?
None of the b*mbos we use
could do that!
That's 'cos
random cat burglary
isn't exactly our modus operandi,
is it, Micky?
As a form of non-taxable income,
that went out with Raffles.
Yeah...
That's the trouble with making it big,
innit? You lose touch.
I hardly know any villains any more.
Except the business kind.
Here,
you're a bit of a ducker and diver,
aren't you, McCann? Eh?
Daley's boy and all that.
- You got any ideas?
- Me?
No.
No, it's not my style, is it?
I'd suggest there was more possibility
from the other end of the spectrum myself.
If they'd are to realise a profit,
it follows that whoever stole it
has to sell it.
What? That's terrific.
So where does that leave us?
With jewellery of this value,
I'd say that Ernie Kestle was bound
to be offered it... at some stage.
That is a very good point
you've got there, Hamster.
Come on.
Let's find him right away.
Come on!
Good afternoon.
Can I help you?
Good afternoon.
My name is Daley. Arthur Daley.
My card.
London-based representative
of Clam Assurances Limited.
- Oh, yes. What is it, then?
- It's a policy matter.
I'd like to have a word in
Mr Mandeville Singer's ear about it.
Which one?
Well, um...
Does it matter?
There's a Mr Mandeville
and a Mr Singer.
Whose ear would you like?
Oh! [LAUGHS] I thought you meant
Mutt and Jeff, you know? [LAUGHS]
Well, as they're both in,
I'll leave it to you, dear.
If you'd like to wait here a minute,
I'll see if someone can help you.
- Ta.
- Mr...
Daley. Arthur Daley.
London-based representative...
Very unusual, this.
I haven't seen him take anything to heart
like this since his brother was shot.
Oh, yeah, I remember that.
Yeah.
Most people reckon he did it,
didn't they?
Ernie.
Listen, Ernie.
I wouldn't trail you out to this wilderness
unless it was important, would I?
All you've got to do
is you got to put out some feelers!
- That's all.
- Excuse me.
No comeback on me.
No involvement.
I can do without publicity.
You know that.
Besides, I've got my membership
to think about.
The last thing Bing Crosby ever did.
- What?
- Swing a golf club.
Then he passed away.
On the spot.
Look. Nobody's going to finger you for it,
are they?!
This isn't g*ng warfare!
Just some little nerd
trying to put one over on me!
- Well, I can't have that!
- Ha-ha, I can see that.
Wouldn't do your community relations
any good, would it?
Em... Take the flag for us,
would you?
He'd make a good little caddy,
would he?
Got the figure for it.
- Good putt, eh?
- Yes, very good.
Agh! Agh!
Look! I'm just asking you
for a favour, alright?
If any one of your punters
comes up with that tom,
- you call me!
- Whatever you...
Unless you want to learn
to play one-handed.
- Micky, you're breaking...
- I hope you can hear me down there.
Agh! Micky, you... you know
I wouldn't say no to you!
Micky!
Looks like Micky's talked him
into it, don't he?
He generally finds a way.
Ah, Mr Daley.
- Richard Mandeville.
- Nice to meet you, Richard.
- Do sit down, won't you?
- Ta.
Miss Evans said something about you
being in insurance.
Yes, that's right.
Nothing, of course, with your...
obvious affiliations. But eh...
we do all right.
Most of my stuff goes overseas.
Really?
Middle East, I expect.
Well, well... offshore...
rather... than overseas.
Jersey, to be exact.
If it is a tax relief problem,
we might be able
to arrange some policies
for your Jersey company.
The premiums will be largely
down to you, of course.
What... What kind of indemnity
are we talking about, Mr Daley?
No, no, no.
I don't want any cover!
No, no. I don't want to buy anything.
No, no. What I want
is an official clarification
on a reward situation
in the event
of another insurance loss coming to light.
Insurance loss?
No, I'm sorry,
I don't follow you.
What insurance loss?
Well, look. Supposing,
for the sake of argument,
a lot of jewellery goes missing.
Er... Bu...
Burgled, say.
And a third party
innocently comes into the knowledge
of its whereabouts.
Now,
would third party
cop for the 10%
on a middle-man situation
for bringing the other two parties
together?
Is that a reasonable proposition,
or what?
Hello, Morris.
Eddie Venables.
Hello, Eddie. How are you keeping?
Alright?
I'm OK. How are you?
Not bad.
What can I do for you?
You got ten minutes
to have a look at something for me?
That's reduced to £375.
Yeah, come round now.
Well. I don't really know what to say,
Mr Daley.
In my experience,
insurance companies
don't overtly make a practice
of offering rewards.
They'd be open to all kinds
of malpractice.
But in a bona fide case,
perhaps...
Oh, it's bona fide, stand on me.
It's just a matter of
persuading certain factions to see the light.
Then you wade in with the paperwork.
For a reasonable fee, naturally.
May I ask what prompted you
to come to me? I'm a broker.
Cos you are. I can see that.
Top man.
Well, I'm not going
to go straight to the law, am I?
I mean... I'm treading on
very delicate ground here.
Yes, I don't doubt that.
The man to handle this
would be the loss adjuster
working for the company concerned.
As I've said, I'm a broker.
No, no, no.
Hang about, hang about.
Are you saying that you are not competent
to deal with this matter?
I mean it seemed to me you were...
au fait a moment ago.
I am just not competent to deal with this
conversation any more, Mr Daley.
You're in the wrong place for whatever
scheme it is that you have in mind.
And you are most certainly
talking to the wrong man.
Now do you mind leaving my office,
please?
Yeah, well.
We're both very busy men, so...
I won't take up
any more of your time.
Shame we couldn't do business,
squire. Ehm...
I suppose I couldn't interest you in...
vehicular insurance?
Good cover, rock-bottom rates.
Any motor, you name it.
The door's over there, Mr Daley.
Goodbye.
No?
All right. Good day, d*ck.
Look, they are crying out
for corrugated iron,
so get out there
and flog 'em some!
Look, I'll have to phone you back,
right?
Go get yourself a plane ticket
and pack your toothbrush!
Mr Harbot, Micky.
He's the loss adjuster
on the jewellery claim.
Says he'd like a word with you.
Oh, yeah?
- What's up?
- Nothing specific, Mr Metcalfe.
I'm not sure how
the insurance company
is going to feel about the security
arrangements on the premises.
But...
that's for them to decide.
No, I was just curious about
your choice of driver that night.
- Terry McCann, was it?
- What's wrong with McCann?
I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with him.
Kept his nose clean of late,
we all know that.
But he did used to have
some funny friends.
Arthur Daley,
not at least to mix with.
Is McCann about or...?
Well, I sent him down the car wash.
He's going to pick...
Are you trying to tell me that Daley
could have put him up for this?
Far be it for me to tell you anything,
Mr Metcalfe.
But I shall be looking at it from my end.
And perhaps you ought to do the same.
I mean...
a man like you being turned over
by McCann and Daley?
Hardly bears thinking about.
Does it?
[HORN]
- Eddie, come here!
- You're not following me about, Tel?
No, no, listen. I've got to talk to you.
It's important, mate.
What about?
You want me to tell the street?
Get in. Come on.
Look, I'll see you
in the Beaufort later.
- Caught me there
- Eddie? Oi! Eddie!
Eddie!
[HORN]
[HORN]
Hey, Jim, thanks for that horse.
I never got time to back it, of course.
[GIGGLES]
Hello, hello.
I see the motorcar trade
has plunged deeper into recession
or is it your leg-warmer mountain
has caused a need of freight?
Spare me your moaning wit, Dave.
I've had enough aggravation for one day.
There's a lot of it about,
you know.
- Hiya, Tel. How's tricks?
- Hi. I'm all right.
I hear you're driving
Micky the Fish.
- That must be a bundle of fun.
- I've had happier moments.
Come on, come on.
Get behind the jump. I'm gasping.
Usual?
Yeah.
I think your... fairy godfather
wants a word with you.
No, he's got a bad neck,
that's all.
It's having that head on top of it,
isn't it?
- See you later.
- Cheers.
I'm glad you're here, as it happens.
I've got three days' money
coming to me.
Don't worry about that.
I've been considering something
far more remunerative for you.
Giving blood?
Never mind the rapier ripostes.
I'm talking about £400 or £500
your end.
How does that sound?
Suspicious.
All right. Come on.
What's festering in that
little tiny brain of yours?
I've just had a very good meeting
with a broker friend of mine in the City.
And with my various contacts,
I'm in a position to offer you
a gentlemen's agreement about...
..certain...
reward monies on offer.
What reward monies?
I haven't done anything.
My point exactly.
You don't have to do anything.
I mean not physically.
All you've got to do
is persuade your light-fingered mate
to go for a cut
of the insurance reward.
For a percentage of which,
I...
will tender my services
as middle-man.
We'll all be making money.
What do you take me for, eh?
Grass up Eddie Venables?
Leave it out!
Did I say anything about grassing?
Did I?!
Listen,
the only thing a third-party fire
and theft mob are interested in
is getting back the baubles
and not giving Micky 30Gs.
Your friend Eddie... whatshisface,
he can remain perfectly anonymous.
Don't be so bleedin' stupid!
Where did you get all this from?
- Bent Car Monthly?
- I'm in insurance, aren't I?!
This is business,
not a moral dilemma.
You do your bit, I have a word with
the loss adjuster, money changes hands.
Micky gets his jewellery back.
What is wrong in that?
Nothing, except that I don't know
that Eddie was involved, do I?
And secondly, you can make
solitary confinement sound reasonable
if there's a few bob in it
for you.
- No.
- Look.
I don't want you to make your mind up
until you've thought about it properly.
Where are you going?
You've always told me
I'm easily led, didn't you?
I'm going to follow my nose.
Eh... Come back here
and discuss it sensibly!
£600!
What do you reckon it's worth?
All of it.
Hard to say.
You've excelled yourself here, my boy.
But like I said
it's too rich for my blood.
You could pass it on though, could you?
For a slice of it.
I can't hang on to it, Morris.
You must have someone.
I tell you what. Leave it with me.
I'll see what I can do.
Where are you going to be?
I'm meeting someone down the Beaufort.
I'll probably stay there.
I hope you'll be all right with that,
you know what I mean?
Don't you worry, my son.
This isn't going anywhere.
I'll let you out.
Eh?
- I'm driving.
- You what?
It's private property!
Give that back!
- Hey, what's... what's going on?
- Mr Metcalfe wants a word with you now.
Now, he ain't over that way.
I'll take you to where he is.
What is this? I object to being kidnapped
in broad daylight!
Where do you think you are?
South America?
Hello, love.
What are you doing here?
I wanted the car.
They said at the office
you were having it cleaned. So here I am.
You'd better jump in, then.
- Where to, madam?
- Up to you.
To be quite honest
it wasn't the car I wanted.
So this man Daley
intimated that he knew the whereabouts
of the jewellery, did he, sir?
In a rather converse manner,
yes.
As soon as he left the office,
I thought I'd better telephone the police.
You've been most helpful.
We won't trouble you again.
Just wait a minute, will you?!
Now what about a description
or something?
- Don't you want to know what he looked like?
- Don't worry about that, sir.
I daresay we'll recognise him
one way or another.
Eh, Jonesy?
Extraordinary!
Hello, Ernie.
Morris.
Do you want to come round and see
what the wind's just blown in?
Yeah, looks like it.
Take around and shake him
if you like.
Come on in, Arthur!
Come on in!
Micky.
Alright, Tucker,
wait outside, will you?
Well, I'm glad
you could make it, Arthur.
All in one piece, like.
Old Tucker there can get
very heavy-handed.
Yeah, I know, I've got his fingerprints
indented in my upper arm
in the process of being shanghaied
outside my own club.
Well, it's a bit uncalled for,
Micky, innit?
I am on the phone.
Yeah, well. I wanted it
to be personal, Arthur.
Come on.
Why don't you sit down, eh?
Do you fancy a drink?
What'd you like?
Yeah, well... um...
Yeah, vodka, if you've got it.
- My pleasure.
- Ta.
Very nice working conditions
you've got here, Micky.
[MICKY GIGGLES]
ARTHUR: Very tasteful.
You've certainly come a long way
since that old garage of yours.
That's right.
I'll tell you one thing.
I didn't get this far by letting
any old mug put one over on me.
- Do you know what I mean?
- My sentiments exactly, Micky.
But you can't be too careful
these days.
There are so many rogues around.
That's right.
Now you take the case
of that tomfoolery
that got lifted
from my tart's gaff.
Oh, very nasty business that,
Micky.
I told Terry to convey my
sympathies as soon as I hea... er...
D... D... D... Does...
that have any... bearing
on my... presence here at all?
You got it in one, Arthur.
Because whoever did that
has got ME coming for them.
And if I find out that you and McCann
have got your fingers sticky,
I'll have them chopped off
and posted to you.
- Do you follow me?
- Oh, no, no. Look, Micky.
You know I'd never
countenance anything like that.
I mean I'm a
businessman like yourself.
- I... I have standards.
- Oh, yeah?
And what about that boy
of yours?
He used to be a bit flash
not so long ago.
Terry? Never!
A bit of fisticuffs perhaps,
but...
it might have made him a bit simple.
But not a tea-leaf.
I mean I wouldn't have him
on my staff.
- I wouldn't...
- All right. All right.
But don't forget
what I said, will you?
'Cos if I find out you've been lying,
I'll put your toes in the envelope
an' all.
I wasn't sure we should do this.
Till we did it.
Why shouldn't we?
Micky doesn't own me.
Does anyone own you?
Eh... That's a bit of a long story
really.
How did you get involved
with a geezer like Micky, eh?
I mean he's hardly Eton and Harrow,
is he?
- No.
- No.
He's more Brixton and Parkhurst!
[GIGGLES]
He came to the studio
to watch a film being made
that I had a part in.
They wanted him
to put money into it.
He was so horrible,
I rather liked him.
Still do.
I know what you mean.
Yeah.
- Arthur.
- Ah. Mr Chisholm.
You're facing the wrong way
for Mecca.
ARTHUR LAUGHS
No, I was just...
checking the tyre wear
on this model.
Well, feel free to browse around
if you want to. I'm just off.
No, we're not browsing,
Arthur.
We're pursuing our inquiries,
even as we speak.
Oh, really?
Anything I can do to help?
- You know me.
- Yes, we do.
And so does Mr Mandeville.
Eh? Who?
- Who's he?
- You remember him, Arthur.
You stuck a dead rat under his nose
and he smelt it.
Shall we go in? You don't want
to get arrested out here.
Arrested?!
What... W... What have I done?
Micky is serious about catching
this burglar, isn't he?
Yes.
Suppose so.
Why do you ask?
Well, I saw him playing golf
with eh...
some poor sod's fingers.
Don't tell me about it,
all right?
That's what you guys do
to each other.
No, no.
I've seen worse.
Only this bloke was supposed to be
a mate of his.
That's how he makes friends.
And influences people?
Micky was only angry
that someone spoiled his evening.
Give him a couple of days and
he'll be raging about something else.
Unless he finds the bloke first.
Listen, when we leave here,
do you mind getting a cab?
I've gotta do a bit of running around
before I pick up Micky. Is that alright?
All right.
As long as I don't have to go
right this minute.
Oh, no.
Good.
We'll have one for the road.
I told you that was
a perfectly innocent inquiry.
You can't apprehend a man for that.
Arthur, the last time you made
an innocent inquiry,
you were still waiting for
your teeth to come through.
So that you could start
lying through them.
I resent that!
How did you find out so much
about this robbery then, eh?
- On your Ouija board, was it?
- I read it in the papers!
Like half the literate
populace of London.
When you gonna start
harassing them?
When they start sniffing round
for insurance rewards.
- Which is what you were doing.
- On a purely academic level.
Like I said,
to clarify a point of interest.
But all you know about it
is what you read in the papers.
On my life, Mr Chisholm,
I'm as clueless as you are on this matter.
All right, Daley.
We can't stick matches
under your fingernails.
Yet.
Best we'll just take it
back to Micky.
See what he makes of your
academic research.
Well, you know Micky.
Not quite as level-headed
as we are, is he? No.
You can't do that!
That is tantamount to intimidation.
Isn't it?
Yes.
We'll let you sleep on it,
Arthur.
Perhaps you'll get total recall
at the prospect of all that
hospital food.
[PHONE RINGS]
I'm shut. What do you want?
What policy?
Who is this?
Oh, yeah, Mr Mikabwe.
Gawd!
You can tell this Morris geezer
that I am very grateful to him, Ernie.
I owe him.
You an' all.
- How was your golf?
- How do you think?
- Handicapped.
- I'm not surprised.
Very clumsy of me.
Tucker!
Come in here, will you?!
- Where did you say this Venables was?
- At a pool hall down the Grove.
- He's waiting for a call.
- He's going to get one.
- Is McCann back yet?
- No.
Alright, get that Scouser lunatic around you
and get a car here straight away, alright?
And call Ernie here a cab,
will you?
He's having a bit of trouble
with the dog and bone.
On account of that hand of his.
[GIGGLES]
Take care, Ernie.
Someone here wants a word with us,
guvnor.
About the Metcalfe robbery.
Oh, good.
Daley's decided to unburden himself,
has he?
- Didn't take long.
- No, no.
Not Daley, guv.
The name's Harbot.
D Squad. 1964 to 1980.
I remember you.
I remember you.
Horrible Harbot. So what?
I've been doing some homework
for you.
For Metcalfe's insurers.
I suppose you know Terry McCann
was driving for him that night.
Naturally.
And I know Arthur Daley
is looking for an insurance reward.
I can put two n'two together.
Try making it three, then.
What's this?
Current information on the geezer
McCann was banged up with for a bit.
A cat burglar
called Eddie Venables.
I nicked him once.
Worth a follow-up, I thought.
Do us all a favour unless I'm wrong.
Which isn't often.
That's very diligent of you,
Harbot.
What is it?
Old coppers never die, is that it?
Let's just say I like to see
a job done properly.
For everyone's sake.
Are you going to bother
with him
or do I take it to somebody else
round here?
Get a car, Jones, and...
show the Lone Ranger the way out.
Come on, then.
What's it all about?
You're starting to make me twitch.
And so you should, son,
if you took that tom
out of that flat in Bayswater. Eh?
Eh?
What's your game?
I don't know what you're talking about.
No. I don't want to know.
Three wise monkeys and all that.
But that flat belongs to a girlfriend
of Micky the Fish.
And he is very humourless about it,
believe me.
Micky Metcalfe?
Exactly.
- Where did you get this from, Tel?
- I'm driving him.
That was his car
you saw me in the other night.
Now I can put two and two together.
- Driving for him?
- Uh-huh.
What's this, then?
Some sort of set-up?
I'm supposed to sh**t my mouth off
to you, am I?
Forget it.
That's all, Eddie. I've got the whole place
surrounded all on my own, haven't I?
All I'm telling you is
he wants blood.
So you can... stick indoors
and wrap yourself up with garlic
or you can send him back the gear
with a nice box of chocolates.
But whatever you do,
do it quick, cos your time is running out.
Well, well, well.
You b*stard...
Two faced b*stard.
Hi, Micky.
- Fancy a game of doubles?
- You can't help being comical, can you?
Was it you working a scam
with that little vermin?
No, you've got it all wrong,
mate.
I just don't want anybody hurt,
that's all.
Anyway, three against one.
That's not fair, is it?
Well, don't worry about that, McCann,
because I'm including you in.
- Alright, lads, in your cars.
- This is crackers!
You didn't talk...
Listen! Micky, we...
Oy!
I'm sorry, mate.
Sorry.
Don't hold him, Scouser.
Don't hold him.
Why you don't listen...
That is it!
I've had enough!
Aargh!
Here.
Scouser.
Come on, fellas,
hold on, hold on.
Hold on.
Aargh! Aargh!
Scouser!
Aargh!
He hasn't been back all morning, guv.
She says he spends a lot of time
- down the Grove.
- RADIO: All units, all units.
- The Beaufort pool room.
- RADIO: Disturbings. Beaufort pool room.
RADIO: Allan Road, W10.
- Don't just stand there.
- RADIO: Origin information from...
What a nice coincidence.
[SIRENS]
Oi!
Come on.
All right, settle down!
It's a private party
or we ought just bring a friend?
Are you sure you don't want a game?
[SIGHS]
I never heard anything like
in my life.
I no sooner pick you up out of the gutter
then you're fighting to get back in it.
Oi! I didn't go there for a fight,
you know? I got caught up in one.
Caught up you mind? You'd get caught up
in a fight at a Buddhist picnic, my son.
Look at the state of you!
Just shut up, will you?
My head hurts as it is.
Open your window for God sake!
I don't want this car smelling like the nick.
Cor, you're charming, aren't you?
I hope you reflected on your
misguided allegiances
while you were incarcerated
in there.
To say nothing of the trouble
I've been put through because of it.
- You?!
- I could still end up
in a pool of blood somewhere
if Metcalfe felt like it.
No, Micky's all right.
He enjoyed himself, didn't he?
Good for his reputation
and all that.
See what you fail to understand,
Terence,
is that if we'd handled it my way,
it might have been an earner
- instead of a debacle.
- De what?
I mean Venables is nicked,
whichever way you look at it.
The valuables have been restored
to their rightful owner.
And what have we got
to show for it?
Another inch of scar tissue
on your boat race.
I mean what is insurance for
- if nobody gets paid out?
- Cor, dear. Don't you ever stop, eh?
[CRASH]
Mr Daley!
I'm sorry!
I tried to ring you about my insurance
but nobody was there.
So I drove around.
I waved. And...
bang.
I'm sorry, Mr Daley.
Hey, you know me!
I'm George Mikabwe!
You've got my insurance.
Remember?
[SNORTS]
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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