♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
- Morning, Arthur.
- Charlie.
Turn round and dip and roll the
shoulder.
And use your arms. Tantalise.
Tantalise, honey.
- Yes?
- No.
[HOOVER DRONES]
Turn that bloody thing off!
Come on, love.
No. No.
Take them out one at a time.
- Max.
- Hello, Mr Daley.
- VAT, please.
- Eh?
- Vodka And Tonic.
- Oh.
Eh,
what's all that about?
Leonard?
Best in the business.
Any new girls we get,
Leonard shows 'em how it's done.
- He used to be on television.
- Did he?
He'd certainly fool 'em on What's My Line?,
wouldn't he?
- What is THAT?
- New decor.
Smart, innit?
That'll be £2, please, Mr Daley.
Two quid? No wonder
you're having the place done up!
When Mr Symmonds is here
I don't usually pay for drinks.
Hello.
If you're paying, I'll have
one of these. Cheers.
That'll be £3, please, Mr Daley.
You just here for the dress rehearsal or
are you gonna stay and watch the real thing?
I'm here
on philanthropic grounds.
Phil and who?
I'm here on your behalf. I've come to see
that you've settled in all right.
Not to watch this unnatural
behaviour.
At inflated prices.
You are here to check
that I turned up or not.
So you can get your whack
from Symmonds.
Listen, what about
the other geezer?
Oi.
- What?
- The other geezer.
Symmonds' regular bouncer?
What happened to him?
Should be up and about
in a couple of weeks.
- You're allright till then.
- Up and about?
You told me last night
he'd been nicked.
Well, no, no. Not really nicked.
More, sort of... gashed.
Gashed?!
That's Frank Downing.
Frankie.
Hah.
Well. Well. Well.
Arthur.
What's a crooked sod like you
doing in a nice place like this?
Just ironing out some staff problems
for them, Frank.
Bit of business, you know.
What are you up to here?
I haven't seen you since they put you up
for that passport fiddle.
What was it?
Putting moustaches on bank robbers.
Yeah.
They done me for that.
I've gone back to painting
since I came out.
Well, I never... Terr...!
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
Frank Downing, Terry McCann.
Terry works for me.
It's all right.
We met earlier.
Terry's a minder. I rent him out.
Very useful, young Terry.
- I've heard.
- You see?
Top man in your field.
World's most expensive lager
in your hand.
Endless display of bint
under your nose.
Not exactly
blood, sweat and tears, is it?
I know, all right,
I'll manage.
But I want to see some money for it
at the end of the night.
Yeah, course you do.
I'll pop in later with some readies.
- You can buy me a drink.
- Won't let me forget that, will you?
I tell you what. Couldn't you paint
a moustache on him, could you?
Maybe he'd leave the country.
[LAUGHS]
Is that a full-time game, Frank?
Painting tarts on walls?
Arthur,
that's just for drinking money.
I'm doing some of the real stuff
these days.
I might be able to help you.
A friend of mine wants his
squash court re-emulsioned.
If you'd like to name your price,
I'll have a word.
Not house painting, Arthur.
Pictures.
Paintings.
You know? You hang 'em on the wall
and look and look at 'em.
Ooh, paintings. Like Rembrandt
and all that lot.
- The old velvet hat brigade.
- You got it, Arthur.
Well, I never. How every tranquil.
It can't be a living, can it,
Frankie?
I mean, you have to be dead before
you make any real money at that game.
Well, the ones I do, they usually are.
If you know what I mean.
Get out.
Genuine forgeries.
Let's say, 'in the style of'.
Forgery isn't a word they use a lot.
Erm, Frankie, would there be any room
for an entrepreneur in this business?
You know, someone with a bit of capital
behind him? Not short of a few quid.
- You serious?
- Of course I am, Frank.
We're talking about money.
Very serious stuff.
All right, Arthur.
What are you doing right now?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I'm not bringing anything of that
in front of my eyes
Oh, God sake,
keep your voice down.
- I thought he was working in Los Angeles.
- No, that's Hockney, he's in LA.
I like him, he's the one that does
all those men's bottoms.
It's all sexual if you want to look
at it that way.
But it's asking you to decide whether you can
come to terms with your own sexuality or not.
Five quid for a programme?
Gawd. They've got to be into a profit
before one of these comes off the wall.
It's all a con, Arthur.
Look around you.
It doesn't matter whether
a picture is genuine or not.
They're all hyping each other.
The art game's like any business.
It's all down to...
acquisition, investment
and pure greed.
They want to be conned.
They con each other.
And they con themselves.
Well, business is business, Frankie.
That is what makes the world go round.
That's the beauty of it.
They make their own rules in this game.
Come on. Let's take a wander.
I'll tell you about it.
The point about art dealing is it's all
down to what they call provenance.
That is, proving whether a picture
is authentic or not.
The dealers call their own tune
on that.
It's their opinion that the punter
goes on.
If they want a picture,
they want to be convinced.
Yeah.
Same with motors, innit?
Course it is.
In this game, it's a lot easier.
And it's all down to signature.
If you don't sign it, it's not fraud.
Erm... Frank...
- What sort of money are we talking about?
- Depends on the painter.
Anything from £500 to £500,000.
If it's a good one.
A name they're looking for.
Talking about one of my genuines.
One I could put a signature to.
Five or six grand.
Five or six grand, eh?
Tell me more, Frank.
No, she ain't on the phone, pal.
You'll have to write.
That's £28, but tell him that
before he opens it.
It's not bad for a beginner,
is she?
I would say she's shaping up
rather well.
Until she starts
looking bored with it.
They all do.
Not that this lot here
would notice.
Well...
Still, takes our mind
off the economic recession.
So either come down here
or jump under a tube.
Know, Arthur is right,
that's what it is all about, innit?
- Job satisfaction.
- Yeah.
I wonder how long it will take her
to get bored.
£5,000.
£5,200.
£5,500.
£5,800.
And six.
£6,200.
£6,500.
At £6,500 now.
Any advance on £6,500?
Wouldn't do to get a nervous tick
out of turn, would it?
You'd have to rush out
and flog the motor to pay for it.
- Doesn't work like that.
- Eh?
You've got to prove your reserve
before you're allowed to bid.
That geezer up there is tuned into
what's going on like a laser beam.
Otherwise, you could have
a couple of hoorays
bumping up the price
for you.
At £4,800 now.
Any advance on £4,800?
Lot 27.
A 19th Century hunting scene.
Unknown artist.
Possibly by JF Fearnley.
Give me £2,500 for this.
£2,500 I am bid.
£2,800.
£3,000.
£3,200.
£3,500.
Who are they all, Frankie?
They don't look like your common
or garden art lover, do they?
- Not exactly long hair and glasses.
- Dealers.
From all over the place.
Paris. New York.
And agents for private buyers.
They don't like a lot of publicity
in this game.
Nobody knows who's buying
what for who.
Or why when you look at half of it.
I can tell you who one of 'em is
right now.
Who?
Who's that?
Bald-headed geezer.
Gold rim specs. Second row.
His name's Rory Quinn.
Got a licence to print money
down in Fulham.
He's a bookie.
I think I'll have to get down to some
serious research into this game, Frankie.
Well, if Quinn's got his nose
in the trough it's got to be a favourite.
Lot 27. £6,500.
Mr R Quinn.
- Good stuff, is it Mr Daley?
- Turn the lights up, mate, will you?
A man could go blind in here.
Arthur.
No, no, this is a strip club
not a library.
Give the place a bad name
doing things like that in here.
So?
Can't I have a quiet read?
Am I obliged by the staff to sit
and contemplate her navel?
I would, yeah.
Give us a lager, Max.
Come on, then. I give up.
What is it?
- Arthur!
- Don't. T-T-erry. It cost me £7.50.
All Official Arts Review?
Art review?
What's all that about?
This, my son, is the official form book
of the art trade.
I do not intend to start laying the
odds without research.
Arthur.
People do not bet on paintings.
Not in this country, anyway.
Hold on.
You're on to a fiddle.
You're pulling a stroke, aren't you?
For your information, I'm about
to make a foray into the art world.
Something more aesthetic than
used cars and Japanese watches.
Are you saying you're setting
yourself up as an art dealer?
I don't believe it.
You don't know anything about art.
It's all in here, innit.
Names, dates, stables,
starting prices.
Listen. Listen to this. Look.
Atkinson Grimshaw.
Whitby By Night.
Signed 1883. On canvas.
Nineteen and three-quarters
by twenty-nine and three-quarters.
Auction by Woods.
How much?
- How the bleedin' hell would I know?
- Seven grand.
And that is only Atkinson Grimshaw.
- Who's he?
- I dunno.
But it's not the point,
is it?!
The point is that one of his
murky moonlit numbers
is currently valued
at seven grand.
If I could pick one up for a tenner
in a junk shop, I'd be well in, wouldn't I?
So that's your new career,
is it?
Looking for undiscovered
Atkinson Grimshaws.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, listen. Good luck, mate.
Hope it all works out.
If you ever find any, give us a shout.
I'll help you carry 'em all home.
[CHUCKLES]
It's funny you should say that,
Terry.
Cos I was not going to impose
on your free time.
But there is a little favour in that
direction you could do for me.
Favour?
What favour?
What do you mean 'favour'?
It's 10 o'clock, Frank.
I brought you some coffee.
Oh...
Oh, yeah.
That's nice.
Listen, Frank,
you've got to go this week.
I mean, I know you've been good to me
but I think I've returned the favour.
You can't doss here forever
on old time's sake.
I know. I know.
I'm working on it.
I know what you're working on.
Forgeries.
Not Forgeries, Monica.
Works of art.
Paintings
'in the manner of'.
- But not forgeries.
- It doesn't matter what you're working on.
If Kevin comes back and finds
you here, he'll go mad.
Why should he?
All I've done is borrow some paints
and a few books.
- I haven't strayed from the couch, have I?
- It wouldn't make any difference.
You're here and I'm here.
That's all he needs.
I've told him about you.
I've told him it's finished.
It wouldn't exactly look like it if he came back
and found you living here, would it?
Good while it lasted,
though.
You don't give up,
do you?
That was three years ago,
Frank.
I'm not looking for father figures
anymore.
Why'd you let me stay
this time?
- I didn't exactly twist your arm.
- I know.
I must be silly, mustn't I?
But not THAT silly.
And you've got to go as quick
as you can.
Please Frank.
Don't make any trouble for me.
Bonjour, tout le monde.
Ici France Antenne.
Bonjour, toute le monde
to you too!
[CAR HORN BEEPS]
[SCALES BEING PRACTISED ON A PIANO]
[RINGS THE DOORBELL]
Ooh, hello.
Er...
I was looking for Frank Downing.
I was told he lives here.
Sort of.
What do you want him for?
Well. A friend of mine has bought
a painting. I've come to collect it.
Eh. If he sort of lives here,
is he 'sort of' in or 'sort of' out?
It's sort of I've come to collect a painting.
Not his National Insurance contributions.
He's working.
You'd better come in.
Frank,
there's someone here for you.
Who is it?
What does he want?
It's me. Terry.
I've come to get Arthur's picture.
Oh, yeah. Hang about.
Be with you in a minute.
It's good, innit.
A bit dated, though.
It will be.
When I get the geriatric coat on it.
The what?
Did er...
Did Arthur say anything to you?
No, he just said,
"Come and collect a picture."
Didn't mention any geriatrics.
No.
No, he wouldn't.
There you go.
Tell him I'll be in touch
in a couple of days.
A couple of days, yeah.
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Well, I'll see you then. Cheers.
Yeah. It's nice that, innit?
I don't see what all the fuss
was about.
Yeah. It'll go a treat with all the
other stuff you've got here.
What you mean, 'stuff'?
What do you know anyway?
Only canvas you ever studied
was covered in blood and boxing boots.
Oh, it's a very fine piece.
Reflective.
Mellow.
- Fake.
- What do you mean 'fake'?
Does that look like a fake
to you?
- Well, no. No.
- That don't.
But you do.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, come on!
You're no more an art collector
than I am.
Oh, no? Wha... wha...
What do you think all this stuff is?
You're surrounded
by very tasteful artefacts.
This'll blend in very nicely.
Arthur, I was there,
weren't I?
That setup he's got, he can
knock 'em out like ice lollies.
What did Frank say?
He didn't say anything
but I've got eyes and a brain.
Oy?!
All right. All right.
Do you know what a geriatric coat is?
- A what?
- You should do. You're holding one.
Yeah. You see, it's the finish they put on
to make 'em LOOK old.
Geriatric. Get it? Gawd blimey.
You should know about that.
You see, it's varnish,
a bit of dust out of the hoover
under the sun lamp for a couple
of hours and hey presto.
One old Victorian masterpiece.
Brand new.
What you been doing?
Watching Open bloody University?
O-level Art Forgery.
- Whey, Art. Be careful.
- What?
That's how Jessie James got shot.
He was a bandit an' all, wasn't he?
Up a bit.
Left a bit.
- It's a shame.
- What is?
You're a skilled artist,
Frank.
It's a shame you don't do
something of your own
instead of forging
other people's work.
Yeah.
Like painting murals
in strip clubs.
You don't have to do that either.
You could start by putting as much
confidence
into something of your own
as you do into copying.
Or maybe you've got nothing
of your own to say, is that it?
Listen. This whole game's a rip-off.
You know that as well as I do.
Nothing's new, Monica.
You just can't go any further.
And all I'm doing is proving what a
rip-off it really is.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
It's all just a joke.
Frank Downing strikes back.
OK?
Les femmes sont toujours les femmes.
Et merde pour la difference.
Hi.
Hello again. I do hope
this isn't just a coincidence.
Well, not really. I had to come down
this way and...
Frank told me
where he'd met you, so...
It's the aftershave, innit?
Eau de Strip Club. It's a k*ller.
Listen, I tell you what. I haven't
had breakfast let alone lunch, so er...
feel like joining me
in a bit of egg on toast, bacon?
I picked up with him
when I came to college in London.
I don't know, there seemed to be
something glamorous and exciting about him.
He's not like that now.
So why are you still putting up with him?
It's your gaff.
I share it with a guy
I've been with for a while.
He's away. And when I ran into Frank
in the Portobello, he was a long way down.
He'd just come out of jail.
He was very good to me once.
And I really did love him.
I felt very safe
with the Artful Dodger.
- Two eggs and bacon.
- Oh, smashing. Thanks a lot.
It doesn't matter what you do
for a crust, does it?
Love and that...
It's...
But why am I getting all this?
Or is it just my animal magnetism?
You know what Frank's doing
so you must be in on it somehow.
Hold on. Hold on.
I'm not a crook if that's
what you're trying to tell me.
But Frank told me
you work for a man called Arthur.
He said Arthur was
the craftiest villain in London
so I thought,
you must to be one of the...
A man called Arthur.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
He'll be writing
his autobiography next.
I tell you what.
Frank can do the illustrations, can't he?
No. Look,
I've got no connection with Frank at all.
I mean, I can hardly go and tell him
to fold up his easel, as your concern, can I?
No, I work for Arthur.
Well, I work WITH Arthur, really.
Throw a bit of muscle about
and drive a car. I'm...
I'm a minder
and that's as far as it goes.
- Well, half the time, anyway.
- What do you mean?
Well, Frank was wrong about me.
But he wasn't totally wrong
about Arthur.
Good morning.
Pardon me.
Interesting, isn't it?
Of course, Delaunay is generally regarded
as the inventor of Orphic Cubism...
I wouldn't say this was orphic
in the strictest sense. But...
it does have that fusion
with fauvism
that anticipates
the pure abstract painters.
Ye-ah. Yeah.
Are you in the business, then?
Oh, yes, indeed.
I picked that up at an auction
in Paris last month.
A little out of the mainstream
these days, but I like it.
Just the same concern with
the emotional effect of colour as,
well, any of the Impressionists.
- Don't you think so?
- Oh, no, no. I'm no judge.
- No, no. That's why I've come to see you.
- Really?
Well, if you could tell me
what it is you're looking for
I'd be glad to advise you.
No, no, no.
I'm not buying.
No, what I require is
a professional evaluation
of a recent acquisition of mine.
- I take it you mean a painting.
- A painting. Yeah. Yeah.
But more your representational.
You know not like all this rubb...
The...
Things you've got here, you know.
More your horses,
cows, chickens.
A real painting. You know.
A real painting. I see. Well,
now, is it a contemporary work?
No, it's not contemporary.
Definitely not contemporary.
I mean, it's been in the family for years.
Look, I only came by it
after a recent bereavement.
God rest her soul.
It was covered in dust when I got it.
I mean, she was out of the Ark herself
so it can't be.
An heirloom.
Well, these things can sometimes
be of value. Mr...?
Daley.
Arthur Daley.
I'm in the entrepreneurial line
myself, you know?
Property, automobiles,
manpower services. That sort of thing.
Nothing as specialised as your game
which is why I've come to...
Yes, of course.
Well...
Perhaps if you could show me
the painting itself, Mr Daley,
I might be able
to express an opinion for you.
No problem.
No problem at all.
I see you've got a problem
and I'd like to help.
The only trouble is
it's the old eternal triangle.
If I had a word with Frank,
it would make things stickier.
And what about Arthur?
- Maybe if I said something to him.
- Arthur?
No. No. He's not too receptive
to things like that.
Not unless there's a few bob
in it for him.
No. Whatever he and Frank are up to,
they're up to it together, arn't they?
Your best bet is
just to be straight with the geezer.
Honesty is the best policy
and all that.
Unless you've got something to lie about
and you haven't, have you?
No.
I suppose you're right.
It's just that I've got myself
into a silly situation, that's all.
But thanks for talking to me.
I hope you didn't mind.
It's a pleasure.
Right, you need to go.
Listen.
It'll work out.
It always does.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, please.
Don't mention it.
It's a pleasure to have an aficionado
like yourself in the house, squire.
You see, the trouble with my game is,
it's full off... er...
How can I put it? Riff raff.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, there are times...
There really are times,
when I cry out
for a bit of equal company.
Yes,
I'm sure you do.
So, er...
what do you think, then?
Interesting.
Very
interesting.
I'd say
early Victorian.
There. That's what I said.
Handed down over the years.
And then bunged up in the attic
with the rocking horse. Forgotten about.
I think I'd go as far as to say
you had a Herring here.
- Eh?
- The artist, Mr Daley.
John Herring.
Either him or his son.
They were both painters.
Pity it's not clearly signed
but no matter.
They painted in the same style and are
both sought-after in the Victorian market.
Herring Senior actually did some work
for the old biddy herself one time.
The Americans love it.
Well, I never.
A Herring, eh.
A genuine Herring.
What funny names they seem to have,
don't they?
Yes. Well, look.
You've got initialling here.
Do you see?
- GBH?
- JFH, actually.
John Frederick.
Still doesn't help us
as to father or son.
Same style. Same name.
It's a guide to authentication though.
Is it? So what? You think
it would be worth a couple of shillings?
£500 or £600 possibly.
Well, I never...
You might get a little more
at an auction of course, but...
But that's an uncertain business
without full authentication.
If you are thinking of a sale,
I'm sure my gallery would be
prepared to make you an offer.
I hadn't really thought about it.
I mean, I suppose it
would help to pay for the funeral.
For 500 or 600, you did say?
Well, I think we could offer you
something in that region.
Well, I don't know.
I mean...
what with it being
a family heirloom and all.
Well, if you'd like to think
about it and give me a call.
No, no, no.
Hang on, hang on.
I'll get you another drink.
Terry.
Lager?
Yeah. Yeah.
No. No. I tell you what, eh...
I'll have a brandy, please.
- Why not? Large brandy.
- Yeah.
- Large brandy?
- Stick a bit of ice in it.
I'll put it in an egg cup
if you really want to impress him.
There you go, then.
One large vodka.
One small brandy.
Large ice cubes.
I don't know
why I patronise this place.
The innuendo
I have to put up with.
Me neither.
- Must be my charisma.
- It certainly ain't your prices.
Here you are, Terence, my son.
Genuine Napoleon Brandy.
Matured in the cask.
I bet Josephine didn't have to freeze it
to death to make it look like a big one.
What you so touchy for?
I bought you a drink.
A drink, yeah.
No, it's that artist bird.
She found me at work.
Ooh.
Your friend Frank is sleeping
on her sofa, right?
Well, her boyfriend's coming home and
she doesn't want Frank there when he arrives.
Listen, don't start getting involved
with soppy birds' emotional traumas.
Frank and me have just made
our debut in the fine art world.
A reputable gallery has just paid us
for that painting you were slagging off.
- Cheers.
- That's fraud, innit?
No, it is not. It is a fine point of authentication
as we say in the trade.
But you wouldn't know nothing
about that.
Oh!
An art expert now, are we?
What's next.
Live On Stage At Sotheby's?
[CHORTLES]
You can sit there in idleness
and mock, my son.
I've got business to attend to.
Ars longa, rita brevis.
You remember that, Terence.
Jerry. Peter. Listen.
Something rather interesting
has just come up.
Well.
I bought a painting from some...
Jack The Lad figure
who came in off the street.
A fake.
But the quality is extraordinary.
I'd be very curious
as to where it came from.
I mean, if he's got an artist working for him,
I'd like to meet him.
We could move this stuff
by the crateful across the water.
Yes. The name's Daley.
Arthur Daley.
There you go, then.
- It went off all right, then?
- Like a charm.
And this is only the beginning,
Frankie.
With your talent and my selling power,
we can go into business.
Not that sort of game, Arthur.
I'm not that sort of bloke either.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're a forger. Keep forging.
No, thanks.
You get me a couple of grand
for the big one
and I'm off somewhere
warm and sunny for a bit.
Look, you do a dozen
of them racehorse numbers
and you can retire to Torquay.
That's warm and sunny.
I told you, Arthur.
It's not that sort of game.
You do a couple.
Slip 'em on to the market. Then leave it.
Change your style.
I gotta get out anyway.
I'm tired of dossing around
in this town.
Oh, dear.
That young bint of yours, is it?
Not mine, Arthur.
Not anymore anyway.
Her geezer is coming back anytime now,
so I gotta get out.
Sooner you flock this one,
sooner I'm off.
- Where have you to go?
- I dont't know. Morocco maybe.
I could live like loaded b*stard
down there on a coupple of grand.
Morocco?
It's for the arabs.
They're standing around in the nightshirts
getting dysentery.
Why don't you hang about here
and earn a few quid with me?
Don't worry about me, Arthur.
Look, you want Quinn to go
for that painting, that's fine.
Otherwise I'll knock it out
in Brighton.
Nah, don't talk like that.
I'm seeing him today, isn't I?
What makes you so sure
he's going to want it?
I've checked up on him,
he is mad about pictures of gee-gees,
he's got them everywhere.
He love it.
- You ever been to Morocco, Arthur?
- Noo! What, with my stomach?
[LAUGHS]
Now, it's a joke, Frank.
Tell Rory, I'm back.
- Who wants him?
- Tell him Arthur's here, will you?
Mr Daley to you, son.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Yeah?
Rory. Old boy called Arthur
to see you.
There we are...
There we are, squire.
Good, OK, yeah.
- See you next year.
- Hello, Rory, my old son.
How are you?
Still printing money, I see.
Yeah. I can't grumble,
Arthur.
Added a couple of shops
to the chain since I saw you last.
- How's yourself?
- Oh, not bad. Not bad.
Erm... can we...
talk?
- Give us a moment, would you, Joe?
- Yes, sir.
Sit down, Arthur.
- What's on your mind?
- Well...
..the thing is, Rory,
I've been branching out a bit lately.
You know. Wider spectrum
of business interests.
Oh, yeah, yeah. You always was
a bit of a dabbler, Arthur.
What's it this time?
Second-hand light bulbs.
Ha-ha-ha! No. No. No.
Nothing like that, Rory.
No. Strictly upmarket this time.
It's what you might call
an investment...
in the aesthetic realm.
Works of art.
And when this particular piece came up,
you sprang to mind immediately.
Did I now?
Why was that?
Well... er...
A bit delicate, Rory.
A bit delicate.
I mean, normally,
I would have utilised my affiliation with
a gallery that I've been dealing with
but... er... this one is not
for the open market, if you get my drift.
More for your private collector.
Someone like yourself.
You mean it's nicked.
Yeah. Well, not to put
too fine a point on it. Yeah.
What is it?
That is the beauty of it, Rory.
Right up your street.
Winner of the 1821 St Leger.
It is a masterpiece.
It makes you want to
reach out and give it a sugar lump.
You're telling me
you've got a John Herring?
There you are.
One connoisseur to another.
- How did you guess?
- Guessing ain't in it, Arthur.
He painted 33 St Leger winners.
I've got two myself.
Rory, I don't know what to say.
You only need one
and you've got the treble up.
I mean, for your eyes only but that is
the whole frisson of collecting, ain't it?
You only need 30 and you've got the
complete set.
Where'd you get this little item
from Arthur?
Paintings don't fall
off the back of lorries.
No, no, no. As I understand it,
It was a furniture removals van.
You know, one of them firms
that pops in while you're in Barbados.
Oh, no comeback on it.
Stand on me.
And they are anxious
to make a sale.
All you have to do is
give it the nod.
- What do you say?
- All right. Bring it round.
If it's what you say it is,
we'll talk money.
My pleasure, Rory. My pleasure.
All right this evening?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Kevin. Hello, darling.
Where are you?
Oh, great.
Will you be home today?
Yes, of course I will.
- Hey, listen...
- [LINE GOES DEAD]
Over here in Pseuds Corner,
darling, please.
If you'd like to pander to the needs
of a far from penniless artist
and look after my young friends here.
Lager. Bitter.
So, when Mary got back she asked me
if I'd go along next time.
For his friend. And I said,
"You must be joking.
That great fat American."
And she said, "He's not that fat
and he is in oil."
So I said, "He'd have to be
to get into his clothes!"
And large ones, please, darling.
Make the most of it,
it might be the last time.
- Terry?
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah.
What were you saying?
Who's the big spender, then?
Er... He's a...
He's an artist.
A friend of Arthur's.
- [LOUGHTS LOUDLY]
- Is he famous?
Not for his own work, no.
No. No.
Don't worry about it.
- What were you talking about?
- I can't remember now.
I suppose conversation's not your
greatest asset, is it?
- Thanks very much.
- No, no. Well...
I'm no great talker
myself when you get down to it.
[RINGS THE DOORBELL]
Oh, no.
No wicked for the peaceful, is
there?
[KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
All right.
All right. All right.
Oh, Gordon Bennett! I might have known
it was you. What do you want?
'What do you want'? Is that any way to address
your guide and mentor, eh, Terrence?
Eh, I didn't get you out of the bath,
did I?
Er... no, not out of the bath.
Listen, I'm a bit busy, as it happens.
- So, do you want to come back later?
- I'm here now, aren't I?
- What do you mean busy?
- Well, it's... er...
- What you doing?
- Come on, Tel. I've got to be at work.
Oh, hello.
Sorry.
At this hour.
And in daylight!
Have you got no sense of propriety?
They haven't put licensing hours
on it yet, have they?
Anyway, what's it to you?
If this is how the under-employed
spend their time,
I'm not surprised
it's going down the drain.
I shouldn't think you've got the strength
to do an honest day's work.
[CHUCKLES] You'd know about
an honest day's work, wouldn't you?
- I've seen her before, haven't I?
- Well, most of her.
She works down the club.
Anyway, I've got a job for you.
If you can tear yourself away
from your rampant sex life
to worry about little things
like paying the rent.
Yeah. All right. What is it, then?
I suppose it's not getting your mate
Picasso off the floor
- from the Dolphin, is it?
- No. No. Eh?
What? Frank?
What about him?
Well, I saw him there this afternoon.
Well squandered.
Oh, that is lovely.
That's all I need for a workforce.
Stripper's gigolo
and a drunken, superannuated Beatnik.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Where is he now?
Well, I'm not his minder.
Why should I care?
Because I have set up a deal
with Rory Quinn.
We've gotta take Frank's picture
round to Quinn's gaff this evening.
- Oh, have we?
- Yeah.
- So that's the job, is it?
- Yeah.
Saving your neck from Quinn
while you stitch him up.
No. Leave me out.
I think I'll go back to bed.
No, no, no, no.
It's not like that, Terry. No.
It's just a question
of delivery and collection.
Deliver the picture;
collect the cash.
You heard what she said.
She's gotta go back to work.
Look, look,
what is five minutes unbridled lust
against 20 notes in your pocket?
Be sensible.
- All right. I'm being sensible.
- Good boy.
- 50.
- Do what?
For riding round for a couple of hours
in my car? Don't be silly.
- Night-night.
- All right. All right. 50.50.50.
- 25 upfront.
- Oh, gawd!
You'll pauperise me.
[RUSTLE OF NOTES]
I doubt that very much, Arthur.
Thank you.
- I'd better get some gear on, hadn't I?
- Please do.
Oh, er...
..it's gonna take a few minutes, like,
so... erm...
- Well, you might as well wait in the car.
- No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- No, you'll be better off in the car.
- All right. I'll have a cigar.
- I hate you smoking in the flat.
- I'll make a cup of coffee.
- Have a lager.
- I don't like lager.
- Drink that.
- But Terry...
Mon!
Where are you?
- Listen, Frank...
- Come on, sweetheart.
Come and have a drink.
Frank's in the money again.
Yeah. I can see that.
Same old Frank.
Don't start that.
Now, listen.
I've been thinking.
I've got a real wedge coming today.
This is nothing.
Why don't we just take off somewhere?
Just you and me.
- We did it before.
- Listen to me, Frank, will you?
You've got to go now.
Kevin's just phoned.
He could be back any time.
Je m'en fous de ton Kevin,
je m'en fiche de ton Kevin!
I'm talking about us.
We can go to Spain.
Morocco.
Torquay.
[LOUGHTS LOUDLY]
Get it into your brain, will you, Frank!
It is finished!
I was stupid to let you come here
in the first place.
Now, for God's sake,
just get your things and go!
Listen,
I've just had an offer
for that painting.
Guess how much?
I don't care.
I don't know and I don't care!
You've got money. You've got friends
so just leave me alone.
I don't want you.
I don't even like you anymore!
Can't you see that,
you stupid, selfish old man?!
Yeah...
Yeah, I suppose I can.
I just don't want to, do I?
Please, Frank.
Just go.
- I'm so...
- No need.
I'll get my things.
You're sulking, aren't you?
Cos of that bird, eh?
Tell you what, Arthur.
I reckon you're jealous.
Hey. Don't talk ridiculous.
Just bear in mind
I am not your's tart's taxi service.
She had to get to work,
didn't she?
And you wanted me on the job,
didn't you?
Or off it.
Depending how you look at it.
- Monica.
- Kevin.
Hello, darling.
Don't worry.
I'm on my way out.
It's all right, Kevin. Frank's just
being staying for a few days.
Oh, really?
For old time's sake, I suppose.
Look, I told you. Don't worry.
I've just being doing a bit of work.
- And now I'm leaving.
- Yeah. So I see.
What's up? Have I come
back here ten minutes too early?
Or is there a queue round here
I'm supposed to join?
- Look, take it easy.
- Piss off, grandad, you've had your turn.
No, Frank!
[CRASH OF FURNITURE]
Stop it!
For God's sake, stop them!
Stop them!
I got a feeling something like this
would happen in some time.
All right, lads. Come on.
Oi. Oi. Come on.
Owf...
I said that's enough!
Do something, whoever you are!
All right. Don't worry, love.
I'm in the trade.
My boy'll look after these two.
Watch it. Watch it.
Just get this out of the way.
Back soon.
Oi! Oi! Turn it in, will you?
For God's sake, Kevin.
You're so silly.
- That makes four of us, doesn't it?
- Just get him out of here, will you?
Get him out!
Well, Mr Daley.
Another of Grandma's
dusty heirlooms?
Eh?
What's this?
- What you doing here?
- Much the same as you.
Except that Mr Downing has accepted
my offer for his work rather than yours.
- Do what?
- He's really very good, you know?
I've already covered my investment
on the last one
- and this one sounds even better.
- Get your thieving hands off!
Do you mind?
- Terry, I'm being robbed!
- Ah, Mr Downing.
Yeah. You get in the car.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
All right. Come on.
What's all this about then?
I have an arrangement with Mr Downing
over that picture.
No, I think you'll find it's
first come, first served. You see...
Mr Downing had a prior arrangement
with us.
Let's not make it unpleasant,
shell we?
Oh, no, no. Quite right.
Let's not make it unpleasant, eh?
That weren't too unpleasant,
was it?
Gerry, you were pathetic.
You know that?
I'm mortified, Frankie.
I truly am.
- Going behind my back like that.
- It wasn't like that, Arthur.
He'd done some checking
on you.
And he came up to me
in the pub and...
I told him
he could have a look at it.
Done some checking?
What about the law?
No chance, Arthur.
- He's as crooked as you are.
- Well, that's a relief, innt?
At least you're all bent
in this business!
How about Quinn, Arthur,
is he game?
Oh. No trouble.
We'll drop you off at Terry's place
and we'll go on round and do the business.
Excuse me!
Do I have a say in this?
- I do live there, you know?
- For goodness sake, Terry.
Be a little charitable.
You've just given a man a mild pounding!
The least you can do is offer him
somewhere to recover his wits.
Now don't start yapping
and spoil everything
with your lack of expertise
on the subject, will you?
What? You mean
don't tell him it's a forgery?
There you are.
You see, you've started already.
Have I said anything
about a forgery?
And don't forget who is paying you
Not a bad day's work, is it?
Careful. Careful.
Oi. Oi. Er...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What date was this supposed
to be painted?
Never mind about the date,
just bring it in.
- I think you'd better have a look at this.
- You worry about a fly by night strippers.
I'll worry about the picture business.
Shut up.
All right.
There you are.
It looks so at home, doesn't it?
That could have been
painted for you, Rory.
Of course, it's not orphic
in the strict sense of the term, but...
I mean, it's got a confusion of
energetic emotions.
It predates it from the other lot.
That was half the reason
I thought of you when I first saw it.
"Rory will appreciate
the tonal qualities of this work",
I said to myself.
And that was without
being aware of your fondness
for the equine subject matter.
That's why it's so sought,
after in America.
They cannot get enough of it
over there.
They're very fond of horses
over there.
You know, In the Wild West.
That sort of stuff.
Bandit country, innit?
I like it.
I like it very much.
Well, at five, that's got to be
a bargain, Rory.
I mean, Christie's knocked one out
about 12 months ago for five, eight.
Well, you reckon with what,
inflation and all that,
you're looking at eight grand's worth
of light and shade on the wall.
All right, Arthur.
Done.
- Just hang on here a minute.
- Yeah. Of course. Of course.
- I don't suppose you...
- No, no, no, no, no. Don't say a word.
Just look at the picture.
What you talking about? Lucky?
What you witnessed last night was the art
of the entrepreneur in full bloom.
I mean, Frank's got his two grand
to go and play Lawrence of Arabia,
Quinn's drooling over a new gee-gee
on his wall
and I made more money than you'll
see in six months.
Luck had nothing to do with it.
Con-su-mmate skill. That's what it was.
I'm glad you brought up my
financial status, cos you owe me 25.
All right. All right.
I'm not gonna leave the country.
Well, Frank has, innit?
And you might well when Quinn discovers
the deliberate mistake
on his 150-year-old masterpiece.
Mistake?
What deliberate mistake?
- Oh, don't keep on. It's done.
- But why didn't you say something?
Instead of just standing there.
You let me walk right into it.
I couldn't.
You kept telling me to keep quiet.
That is beside the point.
You're supposed to be looking after my interests.
Look, what am I gonna do?
He'll tear me to bits when he finds out.
You'll just have to give him
the money back, won't you?
Eh?
Tell him it was
an artistic oversight on your part.
- You can tell him now.
- Oh, my gawd.
You hold 'em off, Terry.
I'll go out this way.
I don't think so, Arthur.
- Eh?
- You tell him.
Rory, how about that?
I was just on my way over to see you.
- Wasn't I, Terry?
- Yes, you were, Arthur.
We can leave you out of this, McCann.
It's up to you.
No, I don't think so.
It looks a bit one-sided to me.
We've both been victimised, Rory.
I swear to you, I'm as innocent as you are.
The trouble is,
the guilty party has already flown.
Where's my money, Arthur?
I haven't got it.
That's what I'm saying,
innit?
Terry!
Go on, Terry.
- Give him the money.
- Do what?
Just give him the money now!
All right. That's enough.
You might find
that's a bit light, Rory
But Arthur'll
split the difference with you.
- Won't you, Arthur?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. It's only fair, isn't it?
Very fair-minded, my Terry.
See, the other fella is abroad
at the moment. So...
you're both going to have to put it down
to artistic licence, haven't you?
- Well, it's not a bad picture.
- No. No. Even with the Timex.
Yeah, all right. I'll buy that.
You're a useful fellow, McCann.
Any time you feel you're wasted
on that toe rag, just let us know.
I might just do that.
Bar's open, gentlemen.
You wouldn't, would you?
Terry.
We're partners.
We're a team.
I mean, think of all I've done for you.
Flat. Car.
Regular employment.
No worries.
Shoulder to lean on when you want it.
I mean, think about it.
- Do you know what I think?
- What?
I think you're
like the Mona Lisa.
- Really?
- Bleedin' priceless.
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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