-[man] That's showbiz baby!
-[dings]
[majestic orchestral music]
[ominous music]
[computer]
Results of cognitive skill test
part two finished compiling.
Subject possesses strong
deductive reasoning skills,
but lacks basic empathy.
Commencing cognitive
skill test, part three:
visual spectrum differentiation.
Ten bucks says the b*stard
doesn't get the next one right.
-[clanking]-[squawking]
[scientist 1]
Hey, can you not do that?
[rumbling]
He doesn't like it
when you do that.
[inhaling]
And can you not eat
your lunch in here?
This is supposed to be
a sterile environment.
[computer] Prompt number one:
shapes and color.
Which key opens the door?
[growling]
[buzz]
[chiptune melody plays]
A for yellow, B for blue.
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
You have five seconds remaining.
[music intensifies]
-[clanking]-[beeping]
A is correct.
The yellow key
opens the yellow door.
Positive reinforcement:
achieved.
[clanking]
[thudding]
[roaring]
[beeping]
[munching]
We raised
one smart invisible raptor.
We raised
the only invisible raptor.
Poor guy doesn't have
any family.
Oh, here we go.
You know what?
Family's overrated.
And speaking of,
I got to run out
and get my kid
a birthday present.
Oh, yeah. When is it?
Uh... Two weeks ago?
[laughs] Ouch.
What are you gonna get?
Uh. I figured I'd stop by
that old dinosaur museum
gift shop off the highway.
I mean, it's on the way home.
Oh, yeah. The one
with all the giant dinosaurs.
I love that place.
Yeah. Get him something the,
uh, ex-wife will b*tch about.
You know how that goes.
Not really. I'm solo.
No family, no kids, nothing.
I could be dead
on the floor in here
and no one would think
to look for me for two weeks.
[sighs]
Well, you're lucky.
Can't escape mine.
Oh, do me a favor.
If Dr. Tyler comes by,
cover for me.
I'll keep an eye out.
[whirring, beeps]
[computer] Access granted:
John Sykes.
[door closes]
-[ominous music]
-[low growling]
-[keys jingling softly]
-Whoa!
What you got there?
[scientist 1]
How did you get those?
Come on.
You want to give 'em to me?
Come on.
It's almost like
you know what those are for.
[beeping]
[suspenseful music]
[beeping steadily]
[beeping rapidly]
[suspenseful music intensifies]
[music stops]
[chuckling]
[growling, burping]
Ha!
[screaming in pain]
[screaming]
[foreboding music]
[creaking]
[clanking]
[breathing heavily]
[roaring]
[whistling]
Oh, sh*t. Of course.
[suspenseful music]
[John] Willie, I forgot
my keys again.
Can you toss 'em over?
Can you toss 'em over for me?
[raptor grunting]
[keys rattle]
[John] Thanks, d*ck.
Have a good weekend, Willie.
[machine whirring]
[computer] Access granted:
John Sykes.
[ominous music]
[breathing heavily]
[whirring, beeps]
Access granted: William Walsh.
[roaring]
[suspenseful orchestral music]
[heavy footsteps]
Oh! Goddammit.
[raptor exclaims]
[majestic music]
[bellowing]
[announcer 1] Dino World guests
and dino campers,
please make your way
to the dig zone
for a special
fossil presentation
by our world-renowned
paleontologist,
- Dr. Grant Walker.
-C'mon, Boo Boo,
we don't want to miss the show.
-Okay, Mom.
-Okay. Let's go.
[announcer 2]...and other tools
are used to remove the rock
covering the bones
to see how much
of the skeleton is present.
Special glue is applied
to the cracks and fractures
to hold the fossils together...
Can anyone tell me what this is?
[kids] A claw!
That's right.
This is an actual raptor claw
dating all the way back
to the Cretaceous period.
Oh, just around
over 75 million years ago.
And believe it or not,
that's older than all your mom
and dads put together.
[laughter]
My dad's in Mexico with Sally.
Okay.
Now this claw was located
right on his middle toe
and it was retractable
like a switchblade.
The raptor would extend the claw
to slash at its prey
just like...
-this!
-[kids groaning]
[groaning continues]
[gentle music]
Okay. Okay, everyone calm down.
Now raptor...
[mutters]f*ck.
Hmm.
All right,
you chickenshit m*therf*cker,
you listen to me.
All right, that sh*t was
a long time ago.
All right,
you're a grown-a*s man
doing grown-a*s man sh*t now.
All right?
Hmm. No one's gonna pants you.
No one's gonna see your d*ck.
All right. You got a full-a*s
dinosaur costume on.
You got a zipper and everything.
-It's impossible.
-[dog barking in distance]
So get out there
and dance your d*ck out.
-D-d*ck, d*ck, d*ck off.
-[barking continues]
Jeez, Mr. Beagle.
I'll be right there!
Hold your nuts!
[Grant] Now can anyone
tell me what this is?
No?
This is coprolite.
Also known as fossilized feces.
Or raptor poop.
-[kids] Ew!
-[laughter]
Don't worry,
it doesn't smell... anymore.
That's just this place.
All right,
everybody, take a whiff.
You don't smell anything, right?
It's really old.
[gentle music]
[door creaks open]
Now, something you may
have noticed
is that raptor droppings
are very unique.
In fact,
there's nothing quite like it
in the animal kingdom.
You notice
the distinct impressions
and patterns throughout.
Kind of looks like
a big croissant
-made out of old tires, right?
-[laughter]
You know, when I was doing
my fieldwork
to get my PhD in paleontology,
uh, I actually found--
How do they pee-pee?
Does it have a p*nis?
[girl] How does it have sex?
[mascot] Hey, Doc G,
it's almost showtime!
Actually, that is
a great question.
Uh, we don't know for sure.
They either had a p*nis
or a cloaca,
much like modern birds
and reptiles today.
And a cloaca is
a tiny little flap
covering a little hole.
-[mascot] Hey kids!
-[kids exclaiming]
Did someone say "Dino Pal"?
All right, that's pretty much it
for today.
So if you want to get
out of here, it's--
[kids] Boo!
Remember when I said that
dinosaurs were closely related
to modern birds?
Well, another thing raptors did
that's similar
to the descendants
are mating calls
and a ritualist mating dance.
[announcer] And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for,
it's everyone's
favorite dinosaur,
-Dino Pal...
-[cheering]
...here to perform
his famous dino rap dance.
[upbeat rap music]
I may be old
But I'm no fossil
Rapping about dinosaurs
Small and colossal
I'll teach you about dinosaurs
And so much more
Is that a carnivore
Or an herbivore?
Some Dinos eat meat
And some eat plants
Now check out T-Rex
While he does the mating dance
Let's get down
It's mating time!
My rhymes are fresh
And his moves are classic
Rocking this Earth
From Cretaceous to Jurassic
This is how dinosaurs
Used to get down
Attracting a mate
With a rhythmic sound
How exactly did it happen?
Well, it's hard to tell
But what came next
Is a dinosaur shell
[upbeat instrumental plays]
This could be yours
For a new low price
The dinosaur gift shop
Is really nice
The gift shop's a place
You don't want to avoid
Now I'm dropping this mic
Just like an asteroid
[thudding, clattering]
[laughter]
Thank you for visiting
Dino World.
Be sure to try
our fossil funnel cake.
It's... DINO-mite.
[announcer] Now,
join us on the second floor
-in our state-of-the-art...
-And please k*ll me.
...for the prehistoric
ocean exhibit
featuring the megalodon in 3D.
You heard me.
k*ll me.
[mascot]
Mr. Beagle! Mr. Beagle!
Ooh, there he is!
You know you can't be
out here doing the show.
No, you can't.
You know I love you.
You know I'm your best friend.
You're my best friend.
Yes, you are.
All right.
I'm sorry buddy, okay?
I'm gonna give you
a Flintstone-sized bone later.
Okay? Yabba-dabba-deuces.
[announcer] Dino World
will be closing in 15 minutes.
Please head to the exits.
Make sure to stop
in our gift shop
before you end your visit today.
A lot of these sales
will go extinct.
-Did you learn anything today?
-No.
sh*t.
Uh, okay, Elliott,
why don't you be
a good little raptor
and run off
with your raptor pack?
I don't have a pack.
Okay, well, why don't you
go find anybody else?
Here. Have some dino eggs.
On me. And you can
use those to make friends.
-Okay? Go!
-[Elliott grunts]
[cheering weakly]
Yay.
I see you still have a hard time
letting people get too close.
Amber.
What's it been? Ten years?
What? Since you dumped me?
[chuckles]
I'm just messing with you.
It's just water
under the bridge now.
Uh... You look good.
This old thing? I know.
Hey, listen,
the way I left things off...
could very well be perceived
as wrong and I'm just--
Hannah, why don't you go
get yourself a gift
in the gift shop?
We have some catching up to do.
[sharp exhale]
So, you, uh,
still into this stuff?
Um, not since grad school.
I mean, not all of us
were lucky enough
to drop everything and everyone
to go become world-famous
paleontologists in Morocco.
Well, you can see
how that turned out.
[announcer]
Dino World employees,
report to the dino lounge
to sing "Happy Birthday"
to Trevor.
Uh, what brings you here?
Just working on
restarting my life
after divorcing
my Prince Charming.
Divorced?
Well, at least now
you don't have to sneak boys
into your window after midnight.
[laughs]
So what are you doing back here?
Besides starting
your new rap career?
What happened with Morocco?
I did hear something
about a discovery?
-Yes, you did.
-[Amber] And then a lawsuit?
Yes, you did.
I discovered the first
fully intact and preserved--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've heard it a million times.
You discovered
the world's most preserved
dinosaur butthole
and your business partner
screwed you over
and took all the credit.
So now
you can't get close to people.
Blah, blah, blah. We get it!
Okay. You know
what he's about to discover?
His paycheck's gonna be
missing a few zeros
because him
and his friend, Dino Pal,
destroyed all of our artifacts.
Do better, dude.
So things seem to be going well?
[Hannah] I got a coloring book.
[Hannah] Hey!
What happened out there, Doc G?
We got to work on our cues.
I feel like I knocked
something loose on that fall.
Will you help me
with this zipper?
Before I fill up this tail
full of human crap-alite.
[Grant] It's coprolite.
Uh. You guys seem to have
your hands full here.
Yeah, not as full
as this tail's gonna be.
Hey, mama... mama... Ma... Ma...
I'm Denny, Head of Security
Detail here at Dino World.
Dancing's just my passion.
Well, I'm Amber,
Grant's old friend
and big fan
of interpretive dance.
Uh-huh.
Uh. I've got to go,
but take my number.
Yeah, sure.
Moving a little fast, but...
Not you.
[Hannah] I'm not a table.
-Call me.
-Yeah.
Wait a minute. I know this.
Um, it just happened to
work well with my outfit today.
Uh, I have to go.
Come on, Hannah.
[romantic music]
Attaboy.
I let you have that one.
Somebody wants
to get their little mosquito
stuck in Amber.
[grunting]
Do you have fun today, honey?
I had so much fun.
I love you, Mommy.
[announcer] Dino campers,
be sure to meet
your loving parents
in the pickup zone
and give them a big hug
for bringing you to the place
where the dinosaurs are.
[footsteps]
[announcer]
Today we'll learn about
how dinosaurs became extinct.
For over 100 million years,
dinosaurs were the dominant
form of life on Earth.
The last dinosaur died off
70 million years ago
after a huge meteorite crashed
down off the coast of Mexico.
The last remaining link
to the existence of dinosaurs
is the modern-day chicken.
[dog barking]
[raptor roaring]
Your life sucks.
What happened to you, Grant?
[whispering]
You're dressed like a Lego man.
Look at you.
[scoffs]
Stupid. You look stupid.
[Denny] Is that you, Dr. G?
Nope. This isn't Dr. Grant.
Sorry.
[Denny] Don't lie to me, man.
I know those shoes.
I saw your shoes. Look,
don't worry about earlier.
We can work on
our moves tomorrow.
We'll stick the landing
next time.
You know what? Why don't you
just stick to being security.
And, uh...
[exhales annoyedly]
...whatever you're doing
in there.
All right, good talk!
[Denny] Hey, Dr. G,
wait-wait a minute, let's...
Hey.
[announcer] Thank you
for visiting Dino World
and have a DINO-mite day.
-Make any friends today?
-No.
Jesus! What have you
got in there?
You didn't steal
any old rocks, did you?
-No.-Good.
Because people that steal
are piles of sh*t.
You don't want
to be a pile of sh*t, do you?
-No.-Good.
[Elliott's mom]
Put your seatbelt on.
What are you doing?
Hey, what'd I tell you
about taking out your retainer?
I don't want
this stupid retainer.
Bradley Whitmore has Invisalign,
so why can't I?
[mimics a kid's voice]
"Why can't I?"
Because we don't like
invisible things
in our household.
-[rattling]-Okay?
And Bradley Whitmore's parents
spoil him rotten.
He's gonna end up
being a pile of sh*t too.
Now put your retainer back in
and don't forget your backpack!
[sighs frustratedly]
Hey, hey!
You call that chick yet?
-No.
-Why not?
It's been like ten minutes.
[indistinct PA announcement]
What the hell happened
in the equipment area?
-sh*t. We got a 10-59.
-[radio beeps]
[woman on radio] I don't know
what that means, Denny.
Mr. Beagle! Mr. Beagle!
[air hisses]
Here, boy!
[mysterious music]
That's weird.
[announcer] Welcome to
the Cave of Wonders.
[indistinct PA announcement]
[Denny grunts]
You thinking coyotes again?
Must be big ones.
Where is that damn dog?
Mr. Beagle!
Come on, boy. Mr. Beagle!
f*ck probably heard
a call of the wild again.
Chewed through his damn rope.
[Grant] The hell?
What?
Just peculiar.
He's probably out
chasing coyote a*s.
He'll be back.
-[beeping]
-Oh, sh*t.
Got to go, Doc G.
I got some, uh...
business to attend to.
Sure.
[announcer] Scientists are still
unsure what dinosaurs
actually sounded like.
[growling, roaring]
[thudding, clattering]
[ominous music]
[Elliott's mom]
Hey, quiet down up there!
I'm going out.
So you're on your own tonight.
[thudding, clattering]
Dusty.
You piece of sh*t.
Right on time.
[car door closes]
Pfft. Ooh, ooh, Gina.
Why are you with him?
-[Gina grunts]
-[Dusty] What are you?
Pick it up.
[Denny] Oh, yeah, pick it up.
b*tch.
[grunting]
[Denny]
Deploying USS Brown Trout...
-[rustling]
-Ah, deployed!
[sneaky music]
[Dusty] Gina!
Hey, where's my beer, Gina?
You left the beer in the car.
Go get it! I don't have all day.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[mysterious music]
[creaking]
[ominous music]
[raptor growling]
[music intensifies]
[raptor grumbling]
[soft music]
[low growling]
[mysterious music]
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
[heavy footsteps]
[low growling]
[munching]
-[footsteps]
-[low growling]
[munching, snarling]
[heavy footsteps]
[light music]
[rumbling]
[roaring]
[crunching]
[man] ...may cause headaches,
dizziness, scalp loss,
difficulty wearing hats.
Ask your doctor
about Revitaxanax...
[woman] Do we have
a lot of chickens?
We got so many damn chickens
here at McCluckskey Farms
that Colonel Sanders
even called wanting some.
And I told him
to go cluck himself!
Go get your own,
you Kentucky Fried old fart.
Are my chickens the best?
Yeah, well, does Dolly Parton
sleep on her back?
Come on down and get you some.
McCluckskey Farms
You're gonna love our eggs!
[news jingle]
Good morning.
Tom Jennings filling in
for Chet Williford.
We start with disturbing news
out of Spielburgh County
where a young boy
appears to be missing.
Our own Gloria Aviles
is on the scene.
Gloria, what can you tell us?
Thanks, Tom.
I'm here at the home
of Debra Kintner,
who claims her
10-year-old son Elliott
went missing late last night.
[Grant] Elliott? Nice tux.
[Gloria] ...she returned
to his room this morning,
all that was left
was this mysterious mound
of an unknown substance.
[Debra] It-It-It's sh*t!
It-It's a big pile of sh*t
with his retainer in it.
Oh, my God.
[Debra] He hated that retainer,
but I made him wear it.
Oh, God, people are going
to think I'm a bad mom.
I should have never
called him a pile of sh*t,
but now look at him!
My son is a pile of sh*t!
[Denny]
Hey, sorry I'm late, Doc.
Maybe it was a bear.
Do you think it was a bear?
Bears are getting smarter.
There's a bear problem
in the city.
I don't know what's happening!
Oh, where'd you find
last year's Christmas cookies?
[spits]
[Gloria]...for Elliott Kintner
and any information
about his disappearance
should be given
to the state police...
Dr. G., I-I still can't find
Mr. Beagle.
[Tom] ...that is
one big pile of sh*t.
[announcer] Welcome to
the Cave of Wonders.
Here you can hear a variety
of dinosaur sounds
echoed throughout
its chambers...
[Grant] Same size.
[mysterious music]
[Denny] What's got
your butthole puckered?
Did you catch
the news this morning?
-Hmm?
-The sh*t?
The sh*t left
at the boy's house?
Whoa, sh*t.
That made it on the news?
[exclaims, laughs]
How hard did he stomp
on the bag?
What are you talking about?
The missing kid report?
Elliott from Dino Camp?
Yeah. What happened
to that little turd?
Well...
I think he became one.
[pensive music]
What? What are you
talking about?
The sh*t they found
in Elliott's room
had very distinct markings
and only one animal has
droppings like that.
[music intensifies]
[keyboard clacking]
[rewind whir]
Wait a minute.
Does this have something
to do with Mr. Beagle?
-Whose blood was that, Dr. G?
-[barking]
[barking]
[mysterious music]
-What is he barking at?
-[Grant] I don't know.
Camera six is down.
-[guttural growl]
-[barking]
-[munching]
-[Mr. Beagle whimpering]
Oh, God!
[Mr. Beagle whimpering]
[rewind whir]
-[barking]
-[low growling]
Please tell me
Mr. Beagle's okay!
-Listen.-[barking]
-[guttural growl]
-Do you hear that?
Yeah, of course, I hear it.
You played it for me twice.
-[guttural growl in slow-mo]
-[barking in slow-mo]
[Denny] What is he barking at?
I don't see anything.
I don't know
how this is humanly possible,
but I think
we're dealing with...
a raptor.
What in the sh*t
are you saying to me right now?
You're telling me that you think
Mr. Beagle's out there
running around chasing
a dinosaur that's on the loose
that's turning little kids
into doo-doo?
I'm saying that the evidence
supports that hypothesis, yes.
Well, saying I'm on board
with your hypotenuse,
or whatever.
Who is gonna help us
with that, Doc?
I don't know.
[deputy] Hey, you know
what the coroner told me
the other day about
that John Doe that came in?
He told me you could tell
how old a person is
by counting the spokes
around their butthole.
Yeah, that's how he knew that
that John Doe was 32,
which means
I got like 45 spokes.
And you got 64,
and a baby has zero.
Or maybe they start with one.
I don't know.
Boy, I don't ever want
to hear you talking about
my butthole ever again.
[secretary] Wait, stop.
You can't go back there!
Citizens on patrol, ma'am.
Well, if it isn't Dinky Denny.
Looking to drop off
another failed application?
Well, sh*t.
While I'm here, might as well.
I'm never growing up!
Sheriff, we might have
information on the disappearance
of Elliott Kintner.
-Who the heck are you?
-I'm Dr. Grant Walker.
I work up
at the Dinosaur Museum.
-You mean the fun park?
-[laughs]
I'm a paleontologist
and I have reason to believe...
that there's a raptor
on the loose.
[deputy] A rapper on the loose?
Should we be on the lookout
for LL Cool J or Tone Loc?
-[laughter]
-Okay. No, no. A rap-tor.
From the Cretaceous period?
Like Jurassic Park.
Well, what does it look like?
We'll put out an APB.
I haven't actually seen it.
[chuckles]
So tell me something, doc-tor,
if there's a dinosaur
running around this town,
how come nobody else
has seen it?
-I don't know.
-You couldn't have a wet fart
in this town without
a couple thousand people
posting about it.
Sir, this thing is k*lling kids.
All right, and it's turning them
into dookie piles.
So I suggest you look into it.
Yeah, you too, Ron.
You have to listen to me. Okay?
Just take me to the boy's house.
I have the fossilized feces
to prove it.
[laughter]
Oh! Get the hell
out of my office
before I have you committed.
And take your turd with you.
And whatever that thing is.
[muffled laughter]
Come on.
-Oh, hey, Dinky.
-[Denny] What?
I'll file your application
for you.
Why don't you file this?
File that!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
A little respect here.
-Come on. Come on.
-[sheriff] A little respect!
[Denny] Respect my a*s.
[chuckles]
Nothin' but net! Whoa!
What am I doing?
They're right.
I just told the authorities
that a dinosaur
is running around town
yet no one has seen it.
And I'm dressed
like a shitty
low-rent safari man.
Of course they think I'm crazy.
This is stupid.
You know what? f*ck those cops.
Well, I know you're having
some sort of internal debate,
but I believe you!
You're the smartest
science doctor I know.
And I know a few.
What else could it be?
In the cave,
there was all that blood,
and the footprint...
You think
Mr. Beagle's all right?
Yeah. Yeah, we'll find him.
He's a, uh...
good boy.
He's the goodest.
Um, what was that dinky stuff
about with the sheriff?
Oh, just some juvenile
grade school bullshit.
I don't even know
how they know that stuff.
Now that we're partners and all,
just tell me one thing.
How in the hell
does a dinosaur exist?
I have no idea.
But first, we have to make sure.
We have to match the coprolite
with the droppings.
All right. Where to then?
Elliott's house.
You're gonna go up here
to the left.
-Left?-Yeah.
How do you know
where that kid lives, weirdo?
I stole the police report
while they were making fun
of your d*ck.
[Grant] All right, now we just
got to get past his mom.
[Denny] I got this.
Just watch my six.
What are you doing?
What are you wearing?
Don't worry, all right?
I got this. Just follow my lead.
[doorbell rings]
[Grant whispers] Here she comes.
Here she comes.
[sniffles]
Yes?
Hello, madam.
I'm special agent Johnny Utah.
And this is Doctor...
Dr. Grant Walker,
a Scientologist.
And we're here to do
some laboratory experiments
on the feces
that used to be your son.
[sighs]
Oh, thank God.
So you do believe me?
I told them
my son wasn't missing.
Uh. Where's the sh*t pile,
ma'am?
Upstairs.
-[Grant] Excuse me.
-[Denny] This way?
Yeah, you got it. Yeah.
[Denny] Up here? I see it!
[Denny] Oh, smells like a fart
in a spacesuit in here.
[Grant] Ooh. The boy's retainer?
[Debra] Yes.
[Grant whispers]
I was right.
It's raptor sh*t.
Are you sure?
Look, man. I know my sh*t.
Look at this.
Look at the grooves.
[Denny] Ah, it's the same, yeah.
Like a monster truck tread.
Son of a...
Look, there's corn in there.
[whispers]
This is incredible.
What's incredible, Doctor?
Uh, Your Majesty,
we're gonna need to dig
around your son
for a stool sample.
Maybe, maybe it's best
you turn away.
[Grant] Wait a second.
[suspenseful music]
Oh. Oh, no!
[cries]
Oh. Oh, no!
-What? What? What is it?
-[Denny] No, Mr. Beagle!
[Grant] Mrs. Kintner,
I think it's best that you go
in the other room
and let us finish this
in privacy.
[Denny crying]
No, Mr. Beagle!
[crying continues]
You f*ck!
-[Denny grunting]
-Hey! Hey, stop it.
-I want to k*ll him!
-Hey! Hey! Stop!
-I want to k*ll him!
-Look at me. Stop!
That is that woman's son!
That's my dog!
Get-get-get-get a hold
of yourself.
How can we use
the coprolite now?
You just ruined our proof!
I'm sorry, Dr. G.
I lost it, but sh*t, man!
That's my dog in there.
It's hurting my heart!
Let's just...
Let's just go. Okay?
This poor woman
has been through enough.
I'm gonna take a little bit
of Mr. Beagle with me.
-[shutter clicks]
-I got to take some of him.
f*ck!
[Debra]
Okay, so "all-inclusive" means
I don't have
to leave the resort?
[travel agent] Yes, ma'am.
That will come with a wristband
for access to all our amenities,
including bottomless drinks
at our three onsite bars...
So-So what happens now, Doctor?
We're gonna take your son--
This sample back to the lab
for a study
and we'll get back to you.
[travel agent] Is there anything
else I can help you with?
[Denny] Smells like sh*t
down here too.
[travel agent]
So can we go ahead
and book you
for your singles cruise?
Okay. So free drinks and...
sh*t.
Hey, can you help me
with my ant farm?
-It's broken.
-Uh, okay.
[phone vibrates]
[chuckles]
-Hello.
-[Grant] Amber.
It's Grant. Walker.
Yeah, I know.
I'm really glad you called.
Yeah, uh, me too.
Ah, Amber, please go
with me on this.
You have to listen to me.
I have undeniable evidence that
there could be a velociraptor
in your area k*lling people.
Well, this is
a really strange way
-of asking me out.
-[Hannah] It's itchy.
Um, is this some sort of
weird role-playing thing?
No, no. Here, look at this.
-[notification chimes]
-[Hannah] Ants! Ants! Ants!
-It's in my hair!
-You sent me a pile of sh*t?
[Grant] That's raptor droppings.
[Hannah] They're biting me!
-Okay? Are you asking me out?
-[Grant] No!
Stay in your house
and lock your doors.
Do not go outside
until I call you again.
What? I mean, this is insane.
Oh, wait.
If this is you trying to push me
away again, well, it's working.
It's not that.
All right. You haven't grown up
a bit since college. Goodbye.
sh*t.
[Hannah mutters] It's itchy! Ow!
Women. Can't live with 'em.
Can't convince 'em
a dinosaur might k*ll 'em.
Irrational creatures.
Is that that crazy chicken lady
from the commercials?
Yeah, she's kind of a big deal
in these parts.
Pull over.
What the hell happened here?
-[Denny] What the...
-[brakes screeching]
Henrietta McCluckskey.
What's happening,
you old b*stard?
You selling scrambled eggs now?
Is that little Deniel Denielson?
Oh, yeah, I remember
that ugly-a*s face.
Your name is Deniel?
Deniel Denielson?
What the hell you think
"Denny" is short for?
Did you two stop here
to f*ck or buy eggs?
[Henrietta chuckles]
Do you mind if we ask
what happened here?
I don't know.
Went into my truck
to have a smoke.
Must have passed out.
When I woke up, it was like
a tornado went through here.
Smashed my eggs to bits!
Blew the a*s end
out of my mascot!
Do you mind if we take a look?
I could give a frog's fat a*s
what you look at.
Just don't break
any merchandise.
Damn. Looks like something
blew his butthole out.
Ew. What is it?
Raptor semen?
Looks like a bunch of c*m to me.
Hey, you... You're saying
that dinosaur mounted
that chicken,
blew his butthole out,
and busted a nut inside?
I guess so.
I've been saying this all along!
The government is making
man-sized chickens
to put all us
little people out of work.
Chicken-human hybrids
controlled by 5G and chemtrails.
Okay... Um, are you sure
you didn't see anything at all?
Well, not unless you count
the back of my f*cking eyelids.
[sighs]
Okay, I'm gonna need a map.
I got you, Doc G.
What are you two
looking for anyway?
Look, look.
Official business. All right?
Don't get your t*ts in a tangle.
-[suspenseful music]
-[car engine starts]
[Henrietta]
You're not gonna buy any eggs?
Assholes!
[Denny] Yeah, come on.
Come on. Check it out. Yeah.
It's a beauty, ain't it?
Yeah. Come on in. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, come on in.
How you like it?
It's, uh...
Oh... Yeah, this is nice.
This is... quaint.
[Denny] I got a few things
still, still coming
from Amazon Prime.
I think the tiki stuff,
you know,
the tiki stuff
kind of ties it all together.
Hmm... Yeah, no. That's,
that's the touch that did it.
That, that made it, yeah.
Oh, how rude of me.
Let me get you a drink.
-Oh, no, no, I'm good.
-[Denny] Oh, come on man.
It'll help loosen you up.
Pick your poison.
[chuckles]
There we go!
[Denny inhales sharply]
-[Denny] Ooh.
-[Grant] That's a lot.
-A little more?
-[Grant] No, no, I'm good.
[Denny] So I'd like to, uh...
Sorry about the flies.
We got some kind of infestation.
To new partners,
new friends.
[blowing]
And, uh... Mr. Beagle.
May we avenge his death.
And, and, and the kid
and sh*t too.
The doo-doo kid.
[Grant] Hmm.
[coughs]
What the hell is that?
A blend. I blended
a few things together.
Oh, oh. Since we're partners
and-and friends,
drinking bud...
and drinking buddies,
I'd like to
present you with, um...
a little something
that's gonna...
gonna help us communicate
when we're together.
And I, uh...
I think...
That's my dad.
I think my dad, um...
I think he'd want you
to have this. Here, here.
-Oh, no, no, no. I can't.
-No, no. You've earned it.
-Thanks.
-Brothers in arms.
-Brothers in arms.
-Hey. Hey.
Didn't you say you had a map?
[Denny] I got a big a*s map.
Whole ci... Whole-whole city!
[chuckles]
Whoa. Hold up. Hold up.
Let me set the mood.
Yeah.
[Denny] Oh, yeah, that's better.
Um, I can't see anything.
Okay. Hold up. Wait.
Okay. Well, you could have just
turned the lights on, but...
Uh, do you have any thumbtacks?
[Denny whispers] I don't have
thumbtacks, but... Oh!
I got these Chums.
-Chums?
-Yeah, Chums.
Like you and me. Chums.
I used, I used to collect these
as a kid, didn't you?
No.
This is, um...
Well, this is Jimmy Chonga.
This is, uh, Larry... Oh.
You keep Larry Loco.
It's my favorite.
And I'm gonna take,
uh, Alberto Gordo.
This is to symbolize
our Chummidom.
[giddy laugh]
-[Grant] How old are you?
You ever think about
wearing sunscreen?
No. It's bad for the skin.
No, yeah, you don't want that.
You don't want that.
We need to establish
-the raptor's hunting territory.
-Okay.
[Grant] Here is Dino World
or what we know
is the first attack.
-Okay. Yeah, that's Larry Loco.
-Yeah. Yeah, I know.
This is Elliott's house.
That's Jimmy Chonga.
-Jimmy Chonga. Jimmy Chonga?
-Jimmy Chonga.
Great. Jimmy is
gonna be Henrietta
because this is
Henrietta's egg stand.
[Denny] Okay.
So, a raptor's hunting territory
is roughly estimated
to be about 20 square miles,
which would lead him...
here.
[r*fle c*ck]
Let's go k*ll us
a f*cking raptor.
[raptor growling]
Hi, guys.
Oh, everyone's here tonight.
-It's feeding time! Yub-nub.
-[cats meowing]
-[raptor growling]
-[frightened cat screech]
Oh.
Where did Razzle go?
[raptor's guttural growl]
-[raptor growling]
-[frightened cat screech]
-[squelches]
-[screeching stops]
And now
where's that darn Dazzle?
[raptor growling]
Razzle? Dazzle?
Oh, well.
[raptor growling]
[frightened cat screech]
Well, then,
where did everyone go tonight?
[raptor growling]
-[suspenseful music]
-[lady gasping]
[faint music from radio]
That's a lot of mayonnaise.
-You never know.
-No. No, you never do.
Go ahead, take a few with you.
It's fine.
Oh, no, I'm good.
I have some at home
in a bottle...
Like everyone.
[radio clicks]
Testing, testing.
One, two, one, two, one, two.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Doc G, Doc G. Come in, Doc G.
Boop, boop, boop, boop!
Hey, Doc G. Copy that.
Hey, uh, can you turn
your walkie to, uh, channel 16?
-Make sure it's on 16.
-Can you just please stop?
Keep your eyes on the road!
We're not 11-year-old
treehouse buddies.
We're not using these.
So... you grew up here.
How was that?
It was fine.
There was this...
[chuckles]
this incident, you know,
in the sixth grade.
I mean, I guess
I should tell you,
with our budding
bromance and all.
I started that day pumped.
My dad, my daddy
had just bought me
a new pair of MC Hammer pants...
[chuckles]
...for the school talent show.
-[Grant] Mm-hmm.
-Oh, man.
And I was in the middle
of a performance
of "Can't Touch This."
I mean
the whole school was there.
The whole town.
And sitting right
front and center...
Ooh. Oh, the love of my life.
Gina Del Vecchio.
Yeah, man.
I had that crowd eating out
of the palm of my hand.
I was too legit to quit.
[chuckling]
Oh, man!
[melancholic music]
And then I got to...
"Stop, hammer time."
[Grant] Mm.
Dusty Peters pulled
my MC Hammer pants
and my tighty-whities
down to my ankles...
in front of the whole school.
And Gina Del Vecchio.
Well, in a fit of irony...
it definitely wasn't
hammer time.
My little underdeveloped
sixth-grade baby d*ck
just sitting on my nuts
like an acorn.
After that, everyone started
calling me Dinky d*ck Denny.
That's...
horrible.
I'm sorry.
Yeah. Well, that nickname
followed me my whole life.
And Dusty Peters married
Gina Del Vecchio.
Man, you think it was my dream
to be security at Dino World?
Well, I love Dino World.
But I wanted to be a sheriff.
That nickname f*cked
that up too.
[Grant scoffs]
I can relate.
Not about
the small d*ck stuff, but...
It's grown a little bit.
Oh.
[Grant] All right,
we could be close.
Amber does live up here.
Oh, yeah?
Gina lives two streets over.
You know the big house
with the stone front?
Her bedroom's the second window
from the left.
Or so I've heard.
Wait a minute.
What the hell is that?
Stop!
[tires screeching]
[car doors close]
[eerie music]
[Grant] Look at this.
Eerie.
What the hell
kind of critter is that?
It's a hairball.
My guess is... it just ate
an old lady and her cats.
-[Denny sniffs]
-[Grant groans]
[Denny] What is it, Doc?
It's what's left of an old lady
and her cats.
Jeez, man!
Does this thing know no bounds?
First, it kills my dog.
Then a... then a kid,
and then a sweet old lady
and her cats?
I mean, what's next?
A freaking handicap?
[creaking]
[suspenseful music]
[telephone ringing]
Uh-oh.
-[Grimley] Grimley.
-Yeah, Sheriff.
This is Grant Walker.
The raptor I told you about?
Just ripped someone's head off!
Listen, you crazy b*stard,
you call here
and harass this station
with any more
of your dino doo-doo
and I'll throw you
and your dinky d*ck pal
in jail! You got it?
- Hello?
-f*ck those guys.
There's new sheriffs in town.
-[rattling]
-[Grant grunts]
Oh, man,
that could have been cool!
[Amber] Hannah,
I'm taking a bath. Are you good?
Yeah.
-[door creaking]
-[raptor growling]
[footsteps pounding heavily]
[growling]
[rattling]
[loud breathing]
[door creaking]
[low growling]
[Amber] Hannah?
Hannah, were you in here?
[Hannah] No.
[low growling]
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
[music intensifies]
-[screaming]-[growling]
[grunting]
[yelling]
[raptor screeching]
-[raptor screeching]
-[breathing heavily]
[clattering]
[gasps]
Hey!
[Hannah screaming]
[growling]
[breathing heavily]
[roaring, growling]
[thudding]
[dramatic music]
[roaring]
[suspenseful music]
-[crashes]-[screaming]
[distant screaming]
[Grant] Amber!
[screaming]
[roaring]
-[roaring]-[screaming]
-[Grant] Amber!
-[panting]
Where are you?
Amber?
[suspenseful music]
-Here, boy! [chittering]
-Stop that.
[suspenseful music]
[distant growling]
It's upstairs.
-[roaring]-[grunting]
-[thudding]
-[Denny] What the sh*t?
[screaming]
Where is he?
-Denny! sh**t it!
-What? sh**t what?
I can't see sh*t!
[growling]
[grunting]
[screaming in pain]
-[Denny] f*ck.
-[groans]
[growling]
[grunting]
-[panting]
-[Denny] Look out!
What is this?!
[whimpering]
[Denny screaming]
-[grunting]
-[raptor's high-pitched cry]
[growling]
[grunting]
[panting]
What is this?
[exclaims]
Ow! Ah!
If it bleeds, we can k*ll it.
-That's from Predator.
-Yeah, I remember.
Oh, Grant!
Amber, your arm. Are you okay?
I saw it. And I'm so sorry
I didn't believe you.
Wait, wait, wait. You saw it?
I-I think so.
It all happened so fast.
-It attacked me and then--
-It's like a f*cking chameleon!
I couldn't see sh*t!
Was that really a raptor?
Yes.
[suspenseful sting]
An invisible raptor.
Holy sh*t!
Amber, I need you to go
as far away from here
-as you can.
-Uh... Okay. Uh...
-There's a car a-a minute away.
-Okay, okay.
[Amber] Hannah,
go get your things!
How are we gonna stop
this thing, Doc G?
I don't know, Denny,
but we haven't much time.
[car approaching]
-[Grant] That was fast.
-Rideshare for Amber!
[Amber] Hannah, hurry up!
Jesus, that kid.
Come on!
[car door opens]
Grant, I should stay with you
and help you stop this thing.
No, Amber, you go
and be safe with our daughter.
"Our" daughter? You think...
No, she's not even my daughter.
No, she's my ex-husband's
from a previous thing.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I was trying
to be cool with that.
Oh, but you know,
that was gonna bother me.
I have to be honest.
That's why I even hesitated
to call you.
I'm sorry. No offense, Hailey.
[Hannah] It's Hannah.
-It doesn't matter.
-I'm staying with you.
[Hannah] Aw.
[romantic music]
[Denny] Before y'all start
making whoopee in front of me,
I think you should divert
your attention
to the little ninja man
watching us
from behind
that tree over there.
I see you, m*therf*cker!
[Denny] Oh, he's got wheels!
Let's go.
[Denny] Surprise!
Who the hell are you?
-[whimpering]
-And why are you watching us?
Why... why you watching us?
You wouldn't be out here
looking for... Oh, I don't know,
an invisible f*cking raptor,
now would you?
Shut up! Shut up!
Everybody get in the van
before we all get k*lled.
[van door opens]
[panting]
[door closes]
What do you know
about the invisible raptor?
How do you know
about the invisible raptor?
Because we know it exists.
And it's k*lling people.
But I have a feeling
you know a lot more.
Explain this.
Hey, that's
classified information.
Well, how about
we declassify that sh*t?
Okay. Okay. Okay.
[Amber] Raptor Weaponization.
Invisibility?
[Grant] Wait a minute.
Tyler Corp?
As in Dr. Steven Tyler?
What's Aerosmith got to do
with this?
You start talking.
My friend here has
an itchy trigger finger.
Yeah, I got
a lot of itchy things.
[John] Okay. Okay. Okay.
I work for Dr. Tyler
at Tyler Corp.
And yes, the invisible raptor
is ours and it escaped.
Now I suggest you let me go,
so I can go get it back.
Wait, wait.
Dr. Tyler created raptors?
A raptor, yes.
How?
Uh. Did you see Jurassic Park?
-Yes.
-We did that.
But how did you
make it invisible?
-Did you see The Invisible Man ?
-Whoa, wait, stop!
Don't say anything.
I hate spoilers.
It's a remake of an old film!
I just...
All right, all right.
Two more questions.
What happens if we get it wet?
Or feed it after midnight?
Nothing? Nothing happens.
All right, just checking.
We know all we need to know.
We-We don't have time for this.
I have to get Chance
back to the lab.
He's a very expensive asset.
You named it Chance?
Yeah. Chance the Raptor.
You know what?
f*ck Chance the Raptor.
And f*ck Tyler the Creator!
You know what,
f*ck Aerosmith too!
If you think we're taking
this abomination back, dream on.
You're crazy!
Hey, look, I just... I got to
get him back to the lab
before they know he's gone
or I'm gonna lose my job.
They-They don't know he's gone?
No. He's invisible.
[computer] Access granted:
Gordon Crawford.
[Gordon] Later, Willie!
Did you Weekend at Bernie's
that man?
I was going for more
of a Ferris Bueller but...
You're insane.
Your experiment has gone rogue.
We're not bringing this back
to your lab
so Tyler can have his weapon.
What part of
"people are dying out there"
do you not understand?
He's not just
an experiment to me.
No, I-I raised him.
His first birthday.
[exclaims]
I raised him
better than my own son.
He's in a little suit phase.
[Denny] You know what, mister.
I'd feel sorry for you
if your pet hadn't just eaten
my best friend.
But he did.
And he made
doo-doo and hairballs
out of old ladies
and little kids.
So, enough of this bullshit.
-[Denny grunting]
-[screaming in pain]
Take it out.
Take it out. Take it out.
I'll take this out
on one condition.
You're gonna use
your Star Trek sh*t here
to help us k*ll it.
-Catch it.
-Catch it.
Okay. Okay.
I'll help you get it.
Jesus. Just take it out.
[yelping]
[breathing heavily]
[van door opens]
Maybe I should have the tranq.
Stop! Can't touch this!
That tranq is strong enough
to put an elephant down
for 24 hours.
You don't want it going off.
This is all very sensitive
and expensive equipment.
Now this guy uses
thermal imaging
and it's the only thing
we can use to track
his whereabouts.
And I only have one pair.
Oh! He's here. He's here.
[John] Hey, Chance. Hey, buddy.
There you are. Easy.
-[Grant] What is he doing?
-[John] Okay, easy.
Chance, sit.
Hey, maybe I have
a milk bone for you.
-[growling]
-Yeah? But you got to sit.
Can you sit for me? Chance?
Easy, easy.
Chance. Sit!
-Slow.
-[Chance chirping]
Good boy.
All right, let's get you home.
[growling]
[roaring]
[screaming]
[exclaiming]
[suspenseful music]
[screaming]
[roaring]
[grunting]
-[Denny] There you are.
-[growling]
He's choking on
the ninja man's expensive gear!
[Chance choking]
Denny, what's your plan?
Saw this in a little movie
called Jaws.
[Chance screeches in pain]
[Chance whimpers]
[Denny] Jeez.
How fast are those things?
[both] 40 miles an hour. Jinx.
You owe me a soda.
[Amber] Where's it going?
[electronic music]
[man 1] You better make
this shot, dude.
[man 2] Dude, your sister
is hot as f*ck.
[man 3] Super hot.
[man 2] It sounds like
that party's f*cking lame.
[coughing]
[man 4] Come on, man.
Just smoke it.
Nothing bad will happen.
[staff] Yeah.
Thanks for holding.
The store manager
will be with you shortly.
I have been holding
for an hour and 17 minutes
to speak to a g*dd*mn manager!
[staff]
Ma'am, you need to calm down.
I said the store manager's
gonna be with you shortly.
Another g*dd*mn hour? I--
-[on-hold music]
-[groans angrily]
f*ck!
[electronic music in distance]
[man 5] Party!
Turn that sh*t up, dude!
Whoo!
[telephone ringing]
[sighing]
Sheriff Grimley.
Sheriff, there are a bunch
of millennials having a party.
Oh, Karen! How did you
get this extension?
There's nothing ill*gal
about having a party.
They're making a lot of noise.
They're disturbing the peace
and it is late.
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday.
Just send somebody over here!
[end call tone]
Well, better check it out.
Got nothing better to do.
Hey, ding-dong.
Hey, ding-dong!
Let's go!
[party music in distance]
[ominous music]
What the hell is this?
[sighs]
Damn kids.
[suspenseful sting]
[squelches]
[Rudy] Yeah, this is
the manager, Rudy, speaking.
-[Karen groaning in pain]
- How may I help you? Ma'am?
You called about
the air fryer? Again?
[groaning continues]
Uh. Yeah, the good news is
you had the protection plan,
so it's not gonna cost you
an arm and a leg.
-[groaning]
- The bad news is, uh...
Are you there? Ma'am?
Uh, can you get closer
to the phone, please?
[farting]
Okay. I guess
you're definitely still there.
So, like I was saying,
if you just, uh--
[Karen] It's tearing me apart!
[Rudy] Okay.
Yeah, you're overreacting
-because it's just an air fryer.
-[squelching]
[Karen] It's k*lling me!
[sinister music]
[squelching]
No matter what happens,
we have to stick together.
Raptors are known to pick off
the sick and the weak.
And eat stragglers.
[Amber] Where's Denny?
Denny, what are you doing?
I'm f*cking with his heat vision
He won't be able to see us!
Like in Predator.
You want some mud?
Here, I've got some mud.
The thermal imaging
was just for us to see it.
Raptors don't have heat vision.
Now you're just muddy.
Well, raptors may not,
but we don't know
how invisible raptors see us.
He's got a point.
[Grant] Just come on.
Stay close.
-[party music]
-[indistinct cheering]
[laughing]
All right!
Oh, jeez.
Will you put on your badge?
We're in public.
We got to look respectable.
No one has to wear 'em
at the station.
[Grimley grumbles]
[sighs]
[deputy]
Hey, can I ask you a question?
[grunts]
Are you living your dream?
What?
Like, when you were
a little boy?
Is this what
you dreamt of doing?
[Grimley groans]
[mutters]
Do you mind if I share
my dream with you?
No.
I got a real passion
for electronic music.
[laughs]
[deputy]
Have you ever been to Berlin?
-I can't say that I have.
-Oh, you're really missing out.
The EDM scene there
is like no other.
And if you ever get
a chance to go,
you got to try to get into...
Berghain.[chuckles]
Oh, well I'll be sure
to make a point of that
in my "don't give a sh*t"
planner.
-I just finished my demo.
-Hmm.
[deputy] I think
people are really gonna like it.
I wouldn't jump
to any conclusions.
[deputy] Oh. You just give it
a listen, okay?
-And be honest with me, okay?
-Uh.
You're not gonna hurt
my feelings.
[electronic music
playing on speaker]
Oh!
Sounds even better in a car.
[deputy] Oh, get lost in it. Oh.
[suspenseful sting]
What do you think?
Well, I'll be perfectly
honest with you.
-[deputy] Yeah.
-I wouldn't be caught dead
listening to this crap.
We'll head on
over there after ten.
The, uh, noise ordinance isn't
in effect until then.
Okay.
[heavy footsteps]
[sharp metallic screeching]
What was that?
[chuckles]
Wasn't that
some more
of your bullshit music?
-No.
-Oh, gee.
[sharp metallic screeching]
There it is again.
[Grimley]
Hey, make yourself useful.
Ichabod Crane's nemesis.
The "blank" Horseman.
-[scoffs]
-Scarlet Horseman?
-Yellow Horseman?
-Yeah.
-Spotted Horseman?
-Ah...
-[squelches]-[thudding]
[screaming]
[growling]
[clicks]
Hey, man, close the door.
We're hotboxing in here.
[garage door closes]
Happy birthday, I guess.
[stoner 1] What was that?
Did you just fart?
[Chance screeching]
[stoner 2] Uh-oh, something
bad's about to happen.
-[growling]-[thudding]
[screaming]
[screaming]
Somebody let me in!
Open the door!
[squelching]
[growling]
[Denny panting]
Look who showed up.
Well, Sheriff,
I'd hate to say that I told--
[suspenseful music]
-What is it?
-Oh!
[gasping]
Oh!
[heavy breathing]
Oh... Do you think
I should reapply?
It's probably a good time
to reapply.
[party music]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey you! Let's kick it!
[growling]
[ominous music]
[muffled party music]
[guttural growl]
[squelching]
[screaming]
[sinister music]
[screaming]
[squelching]
[partygoers screaming]
[Grant] Let's go!
[screaming continues]
-Shush!-[growling]
C'mon, man. This is game.
[screaming]
[man] Holy sh*t!
[partygoers screaming]
[screaming]
[partygoers screaming]
[Grant] Look for the balloon.
[whispering] This is clear.
The hallway's clear.
[gasping]
[suspenseful music]
White Claw. This Gen Z sh*t.
[partygoer]
Help me. Help me, please.
Something's grabbed my leg.
[Denny] There it is.
There it is. There it is.
Party's over, pal.
-[arrow clicks]
-[shrieking, growling]
sh*t, that's my last arrow,
Dr. G., You got this?
Where is it?
Toilet paper!
-[g*n fires]
-[squelches]
[roaring]
[screaming]
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
[fatigued growl]
[clanging]
[snoring]
-[Amber] It worked!
-[Denny] Is it dead?
-I think it's just sleeping.
-Sleeping?
[grunts]
[Amber] How long will that
tranquilizer last?
Hopefully long enough.
[Chance snoring softly]
Can you believe it?
I've dreamt about this
since I was a kid.
I just wish we could see it.
[light music]
Ha! Feathers. I knew it.
[light music continues]
[snoring]
[whispers]
It's living.
It's breathing.
I can hear its heartbeat.
[footsteps approaching]
[grunting]
It's time to meet
the Flintstones!
No, no, Denny!
What are you doing?
I'm gonna smash his head in
with this rock.
Where's his head?
Where's his head?
Denny, we can't.
What do you mean "we can't"?
This thing just
massacred a party!
And by God,
we're avenging Mr. Beagle.
We have it sedated, for now.
This is the greatest
scientific discovery ever.
We can't destroy it.
We have to find
a secure facility
and lock it up somehow.
-And where would that be?
-I don't know.
-[Grant] Jail cell.
-[Amber] Jail cell.
[grunting]
Denny, please.
All right, fine.
But I still think
it's a pretty stupid idea
coming from a doctor's brain.
[frustrated grunting]
[grunting]
-f*ck!
-[Grant] Stop.
All right, fine!
I'll get the car,
you f*ck.
Grant, are you sure about this?
It's just doing what it does.
It's an apex predator
that's suppressed
65 million years
of gut instinct.
It's just surviving.
It's just eating and f*cking.
And at the end of the day,
isn't that what we all want?
I mean, I love eating
and f*cking too,
but I don't want to see
dead people everywhere.
If we destroy this,
we're eliminating
an entire species...
again.
I can't morally be
the second meteor.
[car approaching]
-[Denny] Hey, good news!
-[car door opens, closes]
I got the ratchet straps
from my Christmas tree.
Yeah. All right, let's get 'em
on the roof. Okay.
-[Amber] One... Two...
-[Denny] Wait, wait, wait.
-All right. Okay.
-[Amber] Three!
-[grunting]
-[Chance groaning]
-Okay. He's heavy.
-[Amber grunts]
[effort grunt]
Okay.
Oh, his feathers
are tickling me.
-Come back.
-[Denny grunts]
-[Amber exclaims]
-Okay. Okay. Easy.
Don't drop it.
-[Amber mutters]
-Okay. Okay. I got it. I got it.
[Denny grunts]
Okay. Okay. Back up.
-[Amber] Lift!
-Amber, get under.
-[Amber] Set...
-[Denny] I don't have him!
-[Amber] Go!
-[grunting]
[thudding]
[Amber sighs]
[Grant sighs]
Is that my blue pen?
Yeah.
-Keep it.
-[Denny] You know what, Amber?
You got yourself
a good boyfriend there.
Oh, well, he's not my...
I mean, we've only been
best friends for like six hours,
but I can tell we're in it
for the long haul.
And you're coming with Amber.
I'm a good judge of character.
The three amigos.
[chuckles]Granted.
Doc G and I are gonna need
a few guy nights.
You know, a little time
at the dude ranch.
But you understand.
-Of course.
-[both chuckle]
Oh, when are your birthdays?
Um, I'm in July.
[excited exclaim]
I'm in July!
We should do,
like, a joint party.
-Okay.
-[Denny laughs]
We got another
Cancer up in here.
What about you, Doc G,
when's yours?
I'm in May.
[both] 19th.
He's a Taurus.
[Dusty] All this sh*t
ain't gonna take itself out!
Guess I'll do it myself, Gina.
-[brakes screeching]
-[Grant grunts]
What is it?
You f*ck!
What are you doing?
Hey, m*therf*cker!
Deniel? Deniel Dennison?
Denielson!
Yeah, you ain't
laughing now, are you?
What are you talking about?
You turned me
into a joke in sixth grade!
What?
You pulled my Hammer pants down!
-[laughing]
-Oh, sh*t.
What?
You don't want to know.
[Denny] You made me
the laughingstock
of this whole town.
Denny, get back in the car!
There's no handle.
I just saved this whole town
and your sorry asses
from a rampaging dinosaur.
Are-Are you all right, man?
How's this for all right?
[Amber] What's he doing?
-[rattling]
-[Grant] Oh, no!
-[Chance grunting]
-What are you doing?
That's right, b*tch.
I f*cking did it
with my new best friends.
I f*cking did it
With my new best friends!
I f*cking did it
With my new best friends!
[Grant] Denny,
get back in the car!
I f*cking, I f*cking did it
With my new best...
-[Chance grunting]
-It's waking up.
[Grant]
Denny, we have a problem!
I f*cking did it
With my new best friends!
It's waking up!
[suspenseful music]
[Denny] You know what?
You just suck, man.
[Grant] Denny! It can read!
While you're sitting
around your stupid-a*s pajamas,
living my life
with Gina Del Vecchio,
with what should have
been my family!
[Grant] Denny!
I was out saving the whole world
from total annihilation,
like Sarah f*cking Connor.
But with a d*ck.
With a dinky d*ck.
You'll always be
Dinky d*ck Denny.
[suspenseful music]
Dinky d*ck Denny!
[gasping in fear]
[clanging]
The hood.
-[Chance growling]
-[both] Denny, look out!
[roaring]
[heavy footsteps]
[grunting]
-[Dusty] What the hell?
-[growling]
-[tense music]
-[heavy footsteps]
[grunting]
[screaming]
[screaming]Gina!
[screaming]
[squelching]
[gasping]
[yelling]
No, no, no. Give me my leg back!
[Dusty groaning in pain]
Gina, you b*tch, get out here!
[Dusty screams]
Oh, Dinky! Dinky get the f*ck
over here and help me!
[grunting]
[whimpering]
Denny, get the f*ck over here!
-[heavy footsteps]
-I got a small d*ck too!
-[munching]
-[shocked gasp]
[roaring]
-[Chance growling]
-[footsteps receding]
[roaring]
[screeching in distance]
My bad.
Your bad?
You should've let me smash
his head in with that rock.
[door rattling]
Let me out.
[Denny] All right. Jeez.
Hold your horses.
-Let me out!
-You got to... Here.
[breathing heavily]
Your bad?
You just let it loose again!
You...
muddy,
redneck
-idiot!-[gasps]
Whoa, now, Dr. G.
That's no way
to talk to a friend.
Friends?
We're not friends.
We're not even work friends.
This isn't hanging out,
you moron.
All you had to do
was drive it to the jail.
Now it is going
to k*ll more people.
That man is a stump!
You're the one that wanted
to let it take a nap
because of
your scientific discoveries.
Oh...
I told you
we should have k*lled it.
Now, Dusty Peter's
hot-a*s wife is a widow!
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
This blood is on your hands.
And you did all this
because someone saw your d*ck
in the sixth grade?
Unbelievable!
We are doing this ourselves.
We don't need you anymore.
I thought we were chums.
Yeah? Is that what you thought?
Because guess what?
We're not chums.
-[throwing grunt]
-Ah, not Larry Loco!
[heavy breathing]
Come on, Amber.
Come on.
[sorrowful music]
I think you're a little harsh
on Denny.
Well, he's a big harsh idiot.
He made a mistake, yes.
But maybe he was right.
That thing's a monster.
And dinosaurs and humans
are not meant to coexist.
But I felt it breathing.
We felt its heartbeat.
A real-life raptor.
Yeah. A real-life
invisible raptor
that's on a k*lling rampage.
What if my butthole
is responsible for this mess?
-I'm not following.
-My butthole.
The butthole that I discovered
that Tyler Corp took from me.
That's the only way
they could get the preserved DNA
to make this.
They took my butthole
and made me
look like an as*h*le.
And if that dumbass didn't take
an egotistical pit stop,
we would've had it contained.
This was my chance
to get this prehistoric weapon
out of the wrong hands
and finally take down
Tyler Corp!
Then I wouldn't have to
go back to Dino World.
[Amber] What is it?
We're going back to Dino World.
[Grant] Trust me. I have a plan.
Plus, I have to
pick up my paycheck.
[dramatic music]
[crying]
I'm sorry
I let you down, Mr. Beagle.
I'm sorry, Mr. Beags.
[sniffles]
Dad, Dad, Dad.
Oh, Daddy, I miss you.
I really need
your advice right now.
Why the f*ck
did you have to leave?
[sighs]
I finally found a friend.
I had finally found
a best friend, Doc G.
And I f*cked it up.
I screwed it up.
[sobbing]
I just want to redeem myself.
I want to show him
that I could get it.
I could get this thing.
I could k*ll this f*ck.
-I can k*ll it.
-[rumbling]
Oh, Dad, come on, Dad.
Just give me something.
Come on. Just talk...
talk to me or something.
Give me a sign.
[train honking]
[clattering]
Hmm. Want me to drink it?
[Grant] Bingo.
[Grant grunts]
All right, we need
the T-Rex suit
and the mating call CD.
[Amber] Is that that thing
you were rapping to?
Yes.
[Grant whispers]
Where did they put it?
[Amber] You really think
this is gonna work?
Amber, this raptor has been
outsmarting us the whole time.
We do know it's a male.
The only way to get it
to stop thinking with its brain
is to get it
to start thinking with its d*ck.
We have to bait it.
It's the only chance we have.
But where are we gonna trap it?
We can't do it in town.
There's too many lives at risk.
[Henrietta] I got all this land
in the middle of nowhere
and we're expecting
a huge surplus
come this summer
because McCluckskey Farms
chickens are in heat!
And you know what that means?
A crap load of eggs!
-[Henrietta clucking]
-Chickens.
-Chickens?
-All her chickens are in heat.
Raptors are basically
six-foot chickens.
And we lure it
to the chicken farm
with the mating calls
and then the pheromones
will cloud its brain!
And then it devotes
all its energy to mating.
And that's when
we make our move...
[both] And trap it.
So you're gonna get
into the dino suit
and shake your a*s
in front of it?
No, I was gonna have Denny...
Well, Mr. Pushes Everyone Away,
it looks like you might need
your best friend.
Well, he was the only one
that believed me.
I believed you!
Did you though?
-Eventually.
-[Grant] You did?
After it attacked me
and there was definite proof.
Ooh, I recognize you,
you chickenshit m*therf*cker.
You back to tango?
We've been going
around and around.
[radio clicks]
Denny. Come in, Denny.
[Grant] Denny, come in.
Denny, do you read? Over.
[Denny] Go for Denny, over.
Go for Denny.
Denny...
I know how I treated you
could have been perceived
as wrong.
[clears throat]
I was an as*h*le.
But I have a plan
and I need my partner.
[Denny] So we're partners again?
Yes, we're partners again.
[Denny] Are we chums though?
Yes, we're chums.
-[Denny] Best chums?
-Yes, we're best chums!
[exclaims]Yes!
Yeah! We've got the team back!
Do you have fishing gear?
[Denny] Does Dolly Parton
sleep on her back?
[sighs]Sure.
All right. Bring it and meet us
at McCluckskey's Farms.
Over and out.
[thrilling music]
-[music stops]
-[groaning]
[thrilling music continues]
[doorbell ringing]
It's 2:00 a.m.
This better be good, assholes.
Because you just woke me up
from my first wet dream I've had
since they faked
that moon landing.
[chickens clucking]
We apologize for that.
But listen, we really need
your help, Ms. McCluckskey.
There is a six-foot
invisible dinosaur
on the loose k*lling people.
-[snorts]
-[Grant] And it's the same one
that destroyed your egg stand.
We need to use your truck
to lure it back here
and contain it.
No.
sh*t.
[Grant] I had a whole plan
and everything.
[doorbell ringing]
Listen, Henrietta,
what he meant to say was
is that we're trying to capture
a giant six-foot mutant
ninja chicken
that the government made
in order to put small farmers
like yourself out of business.
So we need you to kindly get up
off your a*s and help us!
I knew it. I f*cking knew it.
I'll get my sh*t!
All right, here's the plan.
Henrietta, we're gonna
need your truck.
Does that PA system still work?
Does Dolly Parton
sleep on her back?
That's how they say
"yes" out here.
Um, what kind
of stereo system does it have?
It's got one of those
brand-new high-tech ones.
-Damn!
-It plays those compact discs.
-Oh, yes! Great. Denny...
-Hmm?
I need you in that dino costume
and I need you to shake
your a*s like it's your job.
I knew that would pay off.
Now, Henrietta, I noticed
you have jars of chicken urine
on the wall over here,
which is great.
Well, that big jar is mine.
The chicken ones are labeled.
Okay.
[Grant] Denny, I need you
to cover yourself in this.
The pheromones from that urine
mixed with the mating sounds
are gonna lure
the raptor right to us.
Doc G, this...
Can we have just
a moment in private, please?
Just... Just assuming that-that
all doesn't go as planned,
um, if this thing gets me,
does that mean
I just have to say goodbye
to my little virgin butthole?
Odds are on the raptor
will have a cloaca
so there won't be
any penetration,
-just some dry rubbing.
-So it won't go past third base?
f*ck better
buy me dinner first.
-You should be good.
-All right, f*ck it.
Uh. Just con-continue
with the plan then.
[Grant] Henrietta, you drive.
As long as you keep it
over 41 miles an hour,
we'll be able to keep
it at a safe distance.
Lure it right to
your barn and trap it.
Of course, because a raptor's
max speed is 40 miles an hour.
-Good call back, Amber.
-And if plan A doesn't work?
Then we go to plan B.
-Denny.-Hmm?
What do you have
that can k*ll a raptor?
I made this exploding tip arrow.
-How did you make that?
-Did you see Rambo 2?
I did that.
All right, any questions?
What?
[sighs]
Look, I know this is insane,
but just a few hours ago,
so was the idea
of an invisible raptor.
So, anybody got any
better suggestions?
Sounds airtight to me.
Amber, make sure you have
the mating calls CD ready.
You got it, dude.
[Denny] Can you zip me
up here, Doc G?
-Yeah.-[grunting]
[majestic music]
You left this.
Ow.
-You look good.
-I know.
And you left this, chum.
[majestic music continues]
Now give me that golden shower.
[Grant] Oh, sh*t.
You were supposed
to put it on the suit.
-You sure this line will hold?
-Yeah, this is braided line.
It's like 500 pound test.
This sh*t could hook
a blue whale
getting f*cked by an elephant.
Good enough.
-[Denny] Let's boogie, yo!
-All right!
Hit it, girls.
-[car engine starts]
-[mating song plays]
Let's hunt us
an invisible raptor.
[mating calls]
[Denny] It's mating time!
[Murray's wife] Murray,
you out there smoking again?
Just keep it down.
None of your business
what I'm doing out here,
you old dinosaur.
I'm watering the plants.
[Murray's wife] You're not
out there watering plants.
I could be watering the plants.
[mating calls]
[mating song continues]
This is really good sh*t.
We're in its territory!
Are you sure
this is the right spot?
Trust me.
All right, shake that a*s.
[Denny] What?
Shake. That. a*s.
[Denny]
Ooh, I like this, Doc. Ooh.
-This is hot.
-[Denny] This is so hot.
He's gonna like this.
Big hips. Big hips! Big hips.
[Denny] Yep. In and out.
Oh, I feel that.
Yeah, that feels good.
This is kind of turning me on.
With moves like this,
you better hope he has a cloaca.
[Chance roaring]
[heavy footsteps]
[wind gusting]
[Chance growling, stomping]
This is really good sh*t!
[mating calls]
[Grant] Yeah, that's it.
It's all in the hips.
[Chance grunting]
[Denny] I hear him coming, Doc!
[heavy footsteps]
[munching, roaring]
-[Grant] We got him!
-[Denny] We got him.
[Denny] I can't see, though.
I can't see.
-[Denny] I got him.
-[Grant] We got him.
Hit it, Henrietta.
Hold on to your buttholes.
[car revving]
-[Denny] Oh, man.
-[Grant] Hold still!
Oh, whoa, okay. God!
-Hold!
-[loud honking]
[rumbling]
[Denny] He's jumping
like a largemouth bass.
Whoa!
Hang tight. Hold him!
[Denny] This f*ck's
all over the place.
Where's he going?
He's going left!
Hold on, hold on. Hold me, Doc.
Which one of them
are you f*cking?
-Neither.-Good.
[Denny] I'm gonna mount
this f*ck on my wall.
He's squirrely.
-[heavy footsteps]
-[Grant] Hang on!
[both gasping, screaming]
[Amber] Grant!
[heavy footsteps]
[roaring]
[Grant] We got to go faster.
We got to get her over 40.
She's an old truck.
I'm giving her all she's got!
[roaring]
[Chance grunting]
[Denny] He's opening
the tailgate!
[both whimpering]
[Denny]
We're gonna need a bigger truck!
[rattling, thudding]
-[roaring]
-[Grant grunting]
[kicking grunt]
-[thudding]
-[Chance screeches]
-[Denny] Uh, Doc, he's back!
-[rapid footsteps]
Whoa, he's right here.
He's right there, Doc!
[Denny screaming]
-[Grant] Henrietta, watch out!
-[running steps]
sh*t!
[tires screeching]
[loud crash]
[tires screeching]
You fellas okay back there?
[tense sting]
[both panting]
Man, if I had known
I was gonna be rode this hard,
I would've worn my nice undies.
Where is he?
Where is he, Doc G?
-Where is he?
-I don't know.
[screams]
[Grant] Ah, Denny! Denny!
-[grunting]-[moaning]
-[Grant] Hold on.
-Doc, help me!
-[growling]
-[Grant] I got you, Denny.
[whimpering]
[Denny grunts]
It's gonna pull me out!
No, no, Doc G!
Hold on. Hold on.
[Grant] You're slipping!
-I've got you, chum.
-[Denny] Doc, don't let go!
[Grant] My hat! sh*t!
-He ate my hat.
-[Denny] Don't let go!
Stay in with me. Hold on, Denny.
[Denny] I feel him!
He's got me! Get me out!
Get me out of
this f*cking thing!
[Grant] I'm trying, Denny.
-Get out of this suit! Get out!
-[Denny] Oh, get me out!
[screaming]
[Grant] I got you. I got you.
[both grunt]
[Amber] What's going on?
[roaring]
Get to the barn.
[suspenseful music]
-[roaring]
-[Denny screaming]
[rapid footsteps]
Hurry, Denny!
He's right behind you!
[Grant] Oh, sh*t!
-[whimpering]
-[rapid footsteps]
Uh-oh. I'm out of here.
[whimpering, screaming]
[Grant] Denny, the mud thing
doesn't work.
He's gonna see you!
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
[heavy footsteps]
[low, menacing growl]
[Amber] sh**t him!
I don't have a shot.
If I miss, I'll k*ll him.
I think it's working. I...
[growling]
[tense music]
Oh, God, Denny.
[low growling]
Oh.
-Oh, God, Denny.
-Oh, God.
Please, please, God. No.
[Denny] No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, God.
[growling]
-[growling]-[whimpering]
[suspenseful music continues]
[roaring]
Take the shot.
[Grant] Hey, Chance!
[growling]
[Henrietta] Come on down
and get you some!
[Grant] sh*t.
[Henrietta clucking]
What is she doing?
[Henrietta clucking]
[Grant] Move! We can see it.
You're in my shot.
Henrietta, what are you doing?
It's called seduction,
You dumb a*s.
Take the shot when I tell you.
She's presenting herself.
[Amber] We can see it!
[Grant]
This is completely unnecessary!
Oh, say can you see
-[Chance screeches]
-[screaming]
[Henrietta laughing]
It's in!
The f*ck?
Take the shot!
Time to get extinct,
you son of a b*tch.
[both] Again.
Jinx.
[screeches]
[growling]
[roaring]
[exhilarating music]
[roaring]
-[expl*si*n]-[grunts]
-[blood splatters]
-[grunting]
[both groaning]
[Grant] My hat.
[gasping]
[groaning in disgust]
Henrietta!
[triumphant music]
[both breathing heavily]
We did it, chum.
Feels good, doesn't it?
You beautiful b*stard.
That was for Mr. Beagle.
Henrietta! Henrietta!
Henrietta! Henrietta.
[groaning]
[Henrietta] Oh!
Oh. This gives new meaning
to be rode hard
and put away wet.
That is too much information.
But I'm glad you're okay.
[Henrietta grunts]
You're one tough
old bird, Henrietta.
Aw! That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
-We did it.
-Who are you?
-I'm Dr. Grant Walker.
-Oh, right, that's right.
-I remember you now.
-We did it together.
[Denny laughing]
-Woo-hoo! Yay!
-[all laugh]
[Henrietta] Okay, let's not
get too carried away.
Ah, ow, ow!
-Oh, my! That's bad!
-Ouch! Ow!
And you have more.
Yeah, that hurts too. Ow!
-You're bleeding so much.
-Ouch! Oh, my God!
No one's checked
on me this whole time.
Let's take you to a hospital.
[Grant] I've been bleeding
for a long time.
I knew those two were f*cking.
-[groaning]-Oh.
-Let me help you there.
-You got me?
Yep. All right.
Yeah, you're a tough
old bird yourself.
[Denny] Get your hand off
my a*s now, Henrietta.
[Henrietta chuckles]
[Henrietta] Yeah.
Let's see if I do.
[bright music]
[Grant] Amber.
[Amber] Hi.
-[Grant] How are you?
-Better now.
How's, uh... uh...
What's her name?
Hannah?
I don't know, but I do know
that I would like
to kiss you right now.
[car honking]
[chuckles]
Oh, there's my raptor pack!
Hey, I want you all to know
that I'm with
Dusty Peters' wife now.
This is Gina Del Vecchio.
Hi! It's Ginafer.
[Denny chuckles]
Ginafer!
-[smooches]
-[Gina giggling]
And those are his kids.
-They're mine now.
-[kids babbling]
Pipe down back there, Phil!
[chuckles]
Nothing surprises me anymore.
Yeah, I felt pretty bad
about my mistake.
You know, getting old Dusty
eaten and all.
But, uh, turns out he was,
uh, he was pretty a*usive.
You know, like,
like really a*usive.
Like total piece
of sh*t a*usive.
Total piece of sh*t.
So, it looks like
I'm kind of the hero now.
[chuckling]
I'm really happy for you.
So you two were
in the same grade?
Well, you know,
they held me back a few.
All right, I don't wanna keep
these lovebirds any longer.
-We'll see y'all at the wedding.
-[giggles]
-Bye! Nice to meet you.
-Bye.
[Denny] Bye, y'all. Raptor pack!
[chuckles]
So...
Is that a raptor claw
in your pocket, or...
It is. It's a raptor claw.
[chuckles]
[screaming]
["Someone to Love"
by Atomic Tom playing]
I wanted someone to love
Oh, oh
Burn me up and over
[music fades]
[rustling]
[ominous music]
[fly buzzing]
[screeches]
[upbeat music]
Where are we going, mister?
[gasping]
[coughing]
[panting]
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Invisible Raptor, The (2023)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters