♪ GERARD KENNY & DENNIS WATERMAN:
I Could Be So Good For You
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
Oi! Sunshine!
Yeah.
Driving licence?
Yeah.
- Come on, son.
- Yeah, all right, all right. Hold on.
- There you go.
- Vehicle registration number?
Sorry, mate. It's not my motor.
It's a friend's.
I'm just waiting to drive him home.
Can't take himself home?
No, he's very law-abiding.
Never drinks and drives.
He drinks, I drive.
Celebration, is it?
Something like that.
Old soldiers' reunion.
- Go back to sleep.
- Cheers.
- Good night.
- Good morning.
Out on the briny
♪ With the moon big and shiny
♪ Melting your heart
- ♪ Of stone...
- Mr Daley, please.
Enrico, please!
We are singing!
Ready for a big finish, Yorkie?
♪ Melting your heart of stone
♪ Itchy-goo, itchy-goo, itchy-goo
- ♪ For I...
- ♪ For I'd like to get you
♪ On a slow boat to China
♪ All to myself
♪ I really mean it
- ♪ All to myself
- ♪ I don't mean maybe
♪ All to myself
♪ Alo-o-o-o-ne ♪
Magic, Yorkie! Magic!
Hey!
You all right?
A night cap?
Well, I haven't seen him
for donkeys of years.
- So see him tomorrow.
- Nah,
his old woman's
coming down tomorrow.
Please!
Stop the car!
Hold on, hold on,
hold on.
Think his aubergine parmigiana's
about to make a return visit.
He's full of the social graces,
isn't he?
My best mate in the Army,
Terry.
I would go to hell
and back again
on my hands and knees
for Yorkie.
You'll get down on your hands
and knees if he honks
- all over my khazi floor.
- Have no fear.
Have no fear.
That is something that a bloke like you
don't know nothing about -
what a squaddie
will do for his oppo.
Comradeship.
I tell you, Terry,
blokes like you do not know
what you owe to blokes like Yorkie
and to blokes like me.
Yeah. Well,
tell me tomorrow, eh?
Just get him cleaned up and out.
I'm knackered.
Oh! We was knackered,
weren't we?
We was knackered,
but we stuck it out
when you were still in nappies.
I am talking in...
in terms
of blood, sweat, tears
and human sacrifice.
You weren't called up until 1949.
But we was out there,
weren't we?
Emergency.
Doing our cobblers
for King and country.
Far East land forces.
Jungle hat, jungle boots
and jungle greens.
3-0 Lee Enfield r*fles,
Tommy bandits.
When we were giving it all that
Sergeant Sedgwick and Corporal Daley
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- RAOC.
But you never fired a shot
in anger, did you?
You told me yourself you spent most
of the time propping up the bar
in the Union Jack club
or whooping it up Chinese...
Yeah, but we was there,
weren't we?
Look, I tell you
it's because of blokes like Yorkie
and blokes like me
that blokes like you
are living at this moment in time
in a democratically civilised
society.
- Civilised?
- Still felling manky, Yorkie?
Manky's not the word for it.
I feel like a rabid rat crawled up
my digestive tract and died.
Oh, good. Good. Good.
Good night's kip and you'll feel
on top of the world.
I'll get Terry to run you back
to your hotel.
Come on, colonel.
Back to barracks.
There you go.
No. Oi!
Here.
That's all I need, isn't it?
Here you go.
Hang on. Special delivery.
He's got puke all over him.
Don't tell me.
I've just driven him round.
- Try the Salvation Army.
- Don't faddy me, pal.
He's booked in.
He's a resident.
Well, he should be in
before this then.
This isn't Liberty bloody Hall
you know!
It's a registered hotel!
You can't come and go
when you please.
- Listen, if someone's booked in -
- All right, all right.
Shove him in.
- Come on.
- All right, chuffer. I'm all right.
Thank you, driver.
You're a great advert
for the British Tourist Board
He's a great advert
for the British tourist
Yeah.
Hello?
- Hello?
- Gordon Bennett!
You're not still in kip,
are you, Terry?
Do you know how long it took me to take
Rotherham's Roddy Llewellyn round London?
'Do you know
what time I got to bed?'
Not much later than me,
I should say.
Cor!
I was up with the lark -
bright eyed and bushy tailed.
Thank you, dear.
'No, not you, Terry.'
Listen, the reason I'm belling you
is I want to ask you a favour.
- Show him the sights?
- Just for half an hour.
Houses of Parliament,
Soho sex shops, Buckingham Palace.
Look, take him round to clock
the horse guards.
Now, I tell you what, Arthur,
I've got a better idea.
Why don't we leave him in that
grotty doss house you call a hotel
and send the horse guards
around to clock him.
Come on, it's Saturday!
It's not on, is it?
Look, Terry.
You know me.
I wouldn't worry you if I wasn't
being grabbed by the short and curlies.
I stroll round the office to do
the accounts and what happens?
Five minutes ago
the VAT man walks in.
I'll be with you in a moment,
Mr Samuelson.
I'm just having a word
with my second in command.
I'm lumbered, aren't I,
Terry?
I'll meet you both at the Winchester
at 1.00.
It's a favour, Terry.
I mean, Yorkie would do
the same for you
if you ever fancied
a sweet weekend in Rotherham.
A sweet weekend
in Rotherham?
I'll ring his room for you.
I don't mind ringing his room.
But it's no use ringing his room,
is it, if he's not in it?
And he can't be in it
if his key's hanging on the hook -
number nine.
And if he hasn't got his key
he can't get in.
Maybe he's somewhere else
in the hotel.
Maybe he's in the dining room
having breakfast.
Breakfast finishes at 9.15.
It's half past.
Carlos was on breakfast.
What time did number nine
come down for breakfast, Carlos?
Man in number nine didn't
come down for breakfast.
- He might be in the lounge.
- We haven't got a lounge,
apart from where you're standing.
He might be having a bath.
I suppose you have got bathrooms.
Number nine not in hotel.
Yeah, he's probably gone out
for a paper. I'll wait.
He's not been in all night.
- I don't want to argue with you.
- I argue with you!
I argue with him.
Yesterday I argue with this man.
At 6.00 he want afternoon tea.
I tell him it's too late
for afternoon tea.
He shout, he swear
like a big gorilla
- and not like a man.
- Yeah, that sounds like him.
This morning I said, 'I will not
argue with this man again.'
I go up and say,
'Come down now, you big bugger
or you'll be late for breakfast.'
I knock on his door,
I go in his room
and his bed is not used.
He slept somewhere - I dropped him
off at 3.30 this morning.
No! Not here.
No, no.
Maybe you drink too much.
Maybe you take him to wrong hotel.
It was here, sunshine.
I stood on the door step being
slagged off by your night porter.
No, no!
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes!
- No!
Trev, got a sec?
Remember him?
Never set eyes on the guy before.
- Who is he?
- Who's he?
You just told us you were
chatting to him last night.
Trev's our night porter.
No, no, no, you weren't on
last night when I turned up.
Never left the building.
Who was the other geezer then?
No other geezer here but me
last night.
Came on at 10.00.
- Right, Carol?
- Right.
Came off at 9.00 this morning
when Carol came on.
- Right again?
- Right, Trev.
Are you calling me a liar?
No, no.
No.
Yorkie disappears. Two night porter.
You sure it was a different night porter?
I'm not color blind.
Am I?
This morning's one's west indian.
Yeah, it's got be a logical explanation.
Look do you have to
sit here noshing that?
I didn't have any dinner,
did I?
What was all that sainsbury's you
give me about seeing VAT man?
You were in the kip.
Look, I've got my problems.
You won't solve them by sleeping
with the VAT man, will you?
Bloke disappears
off the face of the Earth.
Well, it's James Bond time, isn't it?
He could be MI5.
- You told me he was a bookie.
- Only cos he told me he was a bookie.
Here, look! Do you mind?
Yeah!
Terry?
No.
- Are they members?
- How do I know?
Gaming machines -
place is going steadily downhill.
Look, what if...
Look, it is not helping to solve
my oppo's problem
with you sitting here
stuffing your face.
You don't take no prisoners,
do you?
Listen, what about after I
dropped him back at the hotel
he nipped out and ended up
with a dodgy bird?
- Brass?
- Why not?
He's a happily married man!
You're a happily married man.
Are you home every night?
Look,
it is now 11.33.
He's got to be on CO's parade
at 15.40 sharp.
Standing at Victoria Coach Station
in a soldierly fashion -
chin in, chest out, thumbs in line
with the seams of his trousers.
Meet his old woman.
Ah, fizzy and garlic.
Urgh.
Bloody hell. I didn't, did I?
You weren't capable,
dear.
You barely tried.
The flesh was week and the spirit
wasn't very willing.
How did I get here?
Not on a chariot.
Minicab.
I had this arrangement
with a friend of mine - Charles.
Don't you remember Charles?
He's only got one hand.
Don't get many taxi fellows
that have one hand.
I thought his name
might ring a bell.
Hell fire!
Don't worry.
It's all intact.
Apart from what you slip me
of your own free will.
You have to watch your step though
when you wake up with a prossie.
Oi! Not so much of the 'prossie'
if you don't mind.
You are a prossie. What are you
if you're not a prossie?
I'm a part-time model.
What do you model in?
Bloody Plasticine?
I'm not a professional one
anywhere it's up.
I'm only in it for my plant money.
I only bother to do it
when Erwin's away.
Erwin?
He's my husband.
Husband?
He's on container lorries -
juggernauts.
He's no Kris Kristofferson,
but I don't bother to ask him what he
gets up to a wet weekend in Bruges.
Have you lost something?
- Me kegs.
- Your what?
Me strides.
Me bloody pants.
They're where you threw them
when you fell in here last night
waving them around your head
singing,
'I'd like to get you...'
On a slow boat...
- Where did I throw them?
- Out the window.
Hey!
Hey!
- Tea or coffee?
- Trousers?
No, Arthur,
I'm not going in there again.
We haven't taken our eyes off that
place for the past half hour.
Since I last went in. He wasn't
there then and he ain't there now.
- Where is he then?
- I don't know.
- He must be somewhere.
- True, Arthur, he must be somewhere.
Probably propping a bar up
pouring endless pints of lager
down his throat,
giving someone a right ear bashing
about, 'Bitter's better up north.'
Yeah.
Hopefully he'll bore someone
big enough to chin him.
Callous. You are callous,
Terry.
Nut and bolt we were in the Army.
Adjacent bed spaces.
Many a time he saved my life
on active service.
What did he do?
Stop you knocking yourself sideways
on that Chinese...?
Lent me his best ball boots
for guard duty.
Even done jankers for me.
Geezer comes down to London once,
goes absent,
in schtuck with his missus.
It's down to me, Terry.
I have let him down.
Go on then.
What do you want me to do?
Will the real night porter
please stand up?
There's two of them -
one's bent, the other's a ringer.
They must both know something
about him.
Sort one of them out for me.
- What? Lean on him?
- No, no, no heavy stuff.
Just incline yourself a titch
in his direction, you know.
Good boy.
Erwin gets into them.
He must have legs
like an anorexic whippet.
Have you got any bigger ones?
I'm meeting me old woman
at the bloody Coach Station.
Oh, big deal - your missus.
Erwin's sister's popping round here
at 3.00.
I'm supposed to go and look
at some kitchen fittings with her.
Brenda's as broad minded
as the next,
but I mean,
look at it from her side.
A fella sitting here
in his red undies
with your brother's wife
watching racing on the telly.
I'm telling you, dear. I want you
on your bike before she comes.
Like this?
- Think of something.
- Think of what?
You should have thought of that
last night
when you flung them
out the bedroom window.
Didn't you bring a spare pair
down with you?
Of course I did. I've got a
sports jacket and a pair of slacks.
But they're hanging up in my
hotel wardrobe, aren't they?
Simple.
Simple.
All you do is telephone your hotel
and ask to speak to the manager
and you tell him to go to your room
and you tell him to put
the spare pair in a cab.
Simple.
Do you know what?
You're bloody brainless.
I don't know.
Fellas, where would you be
without us ladies?
What's it called?
What letter does it begin with?
Oi! Are you deaf as well as daft?
Your hotel - what's the name of it?
- I don't know.
- What?
I've forgotten.
I don't remember what it's called.
An oppo of mine from the Army days
booked me in.
Oh, sod it then!
Oi!
What's your game in?
- Oh, hello, chef.
- Never mind, please.
Don't you, "Hello, chef" me.
Flannelling won't get you anywhere.
Soft soap don't cut no ice with me.
- Don't be like that.
- Don't be like that?
I'll give you
don't be like that!
I'll be how I like.
Horace.
Cos that's the way I am.
With everybody. Bleeding me.
Come here.
- No, hold on, hold on.
- Come here.
- What you call that, then?
- A chef's hat?
- Is it?
- Innit?
It might be a chef's hat to you,
sonny...
..but it ain't a chef's hat
to me.
This is what I call a chef's hat.
Oh. A chef's hat ain't floppy,
Horace.
It's a badge of office.
It stands up.
Straight. Proud.
It's starched.
- Well, yeah. I see what you mean.
- So you can take these back with you.
Every one. And the rest of the stuff
you walloped on me last week.
And you can tell your chief
I won't stand for it.
- What chief?
- Your chief.
The big-headed
four-eyed office gik in the office.
- What office?
- Don't prat around Horace.
Your office.
At Sunbeam Laundry.
I'm not from the Sunbeam Laundry.
- Not from the laundry?
- No.
Well, it's laundry morning.
It's always this time Saturdays.
That may well be
but it's nothing to do with me.
No. I'm a mate of Trev's.
I won't have that gramophone of is
going full blast. Tell him.
And I won't stand your mates jungle drums
giving me an ear bashing.
- Not this morning. Now, tell him.
- Yeah, all right.
Listen, I forgot.
Where's his room again?
Through the door, up the stairs,
turn left. Past the bogs.
Ta.
Oh. Here, you're not wrong,
are you?
Wouldn't have a lot of fun
on honeymoon with that!
This stands up.
Rigid.
Ow! Hold on! Hold on!
Keep calm! Just keep calm!
I just want to chat, all right?
Now keep calm. All right?
Freshwater fish...
Four letters...
Beginning with T.
Trp... trp... trout!
T-r-o-... o,
bugger it!
- Compton hotel.
- No.
- Crown.
- No.
- Comfort.
- No.
Compton court residential hotel...
No.
Just a minute.
I'm trying to get this picture
in my mind's eye.
I can see the road...
I can see these steps windows
on either side...
There's this name
over the door!
- Go on, go on!
- It's gone.
Tench.
T- e - n - c...
Please, don't do that.
We're in stuck.
- You haven't drawn a complete blank.
- No, not entirely. No.
I have solved the amazing case of
the two mysterious night porters.
The spades are roomates.
Three nights a week they playing a jazz band.
The other one's a moon lighter.
Front desk don't know about him.
- Well, what does he do in real life?
- He's a school teacher.
Barnstead Comprehensive.
His parents had a sense of humour.
His name's Olly Colliver!
- Well, where does he live?
- Ah, that's where we've drawn a blank.
The coloured guy don't know.
He's just got a phone number.
That's all right.
We'll ring him up.
I've already done that.
There's no answer. Nobody in.
- Hit a brick wall.
- No, no, no. Not entirely.
We know he's a school teacher.
We know which school. You said.
We know his name.
We go round there.
Hold on. It's Saturday.
Schools are closed. It's pointless.
We shall see, my son.
We shall see.
- I dropped the geezer a couple of quid.
- Glad you could afford it.
- Debenham Court?
- No.
Debenham Crest Hotel?
No, I don't think it began with a D.
D doesn't ring a bell.
- What do you think it began with?
- I don't know.
I wish I did.
I'm dying for a pint.
Well, you can't blood well have one!
Come on.
Get your thinking cap on.
Deck of Cards Motor Inn?
Deep Dale?
Dulmiere Private?
What's that?
Missus bought it for me.
You don't wear it?
Only for the missus.
Del Monte Dining Rooms with
limited overnight accommodation.
No.
Dorchester?
Noeh.
- It's chub.
- What is chub?
Five across. 'Freshwater fish,
four letters.' Chub.
It's a kiddie's crossword.
What was the name
of that jazz band again?
- The one that lemonade played.
- Southfeeling Mississippi stonepass.
- You learn this stuff, do you?
- Ow, don't ask me.
I once pulled an album myself.
Out of blue eyes.
Did I ever tell you how much
I bound over that old Sinatra singing?
- Often, often. Yes.
- Yes, but that's only money.
My wealth out
was worth every penny.
You know, Terry, tears rolled on my cheeks
every time I played that tape.
It can't be chub!
Chub don't begin with T.
Well, five across
don't begin with T.
You got five down wrong.
- Have I?
- Yeah.
It's not tart. It's cake.
She didn't say, 'If they ain't got
enough bread, give them tart!'
Who?
He's a brainer bugger, is Arthur.
He's got it all upstairs.
The stunts he used to pull
in the Army. I'm not kidding.
He's a crafty dog!
Ring him. He booked you in.
Has he got a car?
Got a car?
He's Arthur Daley!
Arthur Daley! He's Jack the Lad.
Have you ever heard of him?
- Never.
- How ignorant can you get?
Are you sure you haven't got
a can of light ale or a lager?
I'm flaming gagging.
We've got more on our plates
this morning than topping you up.
I hate this sort of evil,
greasy, cheesy Iti muck.
I keep on getting
the taste of garlic.
Never heard of bloody Arthur...
Arthur bloody Daley.
He's only one of the biggest
car dealers this side of Watford.
And you call yourself a Londoner!
I don't call myself a Londoner.
I come from Westcliff.
You don't need to come
from Westcliff-on-Sea, lass,
if you never hear
of Arthur Daley.
Got a car? He's got more cars
than British Leyland!
Get him to get off his arse and come
round here in one of them.
He can run you back to your hotel
and he can bring you round
a pair of trousers.
I don't know where he lives.
- Clock him, can you?
- No. He's not here.
- Hold on. That's him.
- Where?
Refereeing. The ref, that's him.
Go on. Go and have a word with him.
I'm not gonna go and have a word
with him.
Sorry, mate.
- How long have they got?
- Second half's just begun.
You're knackered for half an hour
at least, aren't you?
What's the score?
15-8 to Barnstead.
We've got to talk to him.
He's not gonna come off to chat,
is he?
Yorkie's old woman will be
bombing down the M1.
Barnstead are winning 15-8.
- Which is Barnstead?
- The one in the hoops.
Come on, you hoops!
Come on! Throw it!
Come on,
you little b*stards!
Get up, you little wally!
Ref! Referee!
Oi, ref! Can I have a word?
Oi! Referee!
It'll only take a minute.
- Ref!
- Shh!
Would you mind not infringing along
the touchline and not interfering?
Don't you talk to me like that!
I used to play at your grounds!
Come on, the hoops!
- Terry, stop the game.
- Leave it out, Arthur.
Well, if I stop the game,
will you gee up the ref?
- How are you gonna stop it?
- Create a diversion.
- What sort of diversion?
- Watch this.
- What's he up to?
- What's his game? Oi!
What's your dad doing?
After him, boys!
Hey, what the hell's going on?
We're catching up with him.
Now, keep that ball moving!
That's it, boys. Keep it moving.
Oh, look at my suit.
Don't worry.
You can get your suit dry cleaned.
- It's not so easy with your face.
- Is it bad?
Well, it's not bad, no.
A few stitches here and there.
- Stitches?
- It's all right.
I'm having you on.
It's stopped bleeding now.
Did you see me go, Terry?
Did you see me catch that ball,
tuck it under my arm,
head down and run?
Memory lane that was.
Wing three quarter in the Army.
- Did it show?
- Yeah, it was magic, magic
- Gareth Edwards.
- Jimmy Edwards!
Don't laugh.
I did my whack out there.
But don't worry.
- I was out where the b*ll*ts were flying.
- Must have made a change.
Here you are. There's a brush
in the glove compartment.
Oh, dear...
Still, another link in the chain.
Another step nearer.
What did you say
they were called?
- Who?
- Mini cab firm.
- Ooh.
- Diva Cars.
Apparently after I dropped the
Rotherham Rover back at the hotel
he bunged the night porter a few
quid over the top for a dozen beers.
He's two down and ten to go
and he's as good as new,
ranting and raving about
getting back on the town again.
I know you've got no time for Yorkie,
Terry
but you must admit you have
to look up to the bloke.
The night porter got in the minicab
just to get shot of him.
There you go. That'll do.
Kids. I could have had them
if I was the vengeful type.
- Eye for an eye...
- Cheat for a cheat.
I could have them up the juvenile.
- You know what it is, don't you?
- Yeah, it's symptomatic.
Yeah?
Well, don't stand here rabbiting.
Yorkie's snapdragon's
caning the motorway.
Let's get going.
Even though we know the name
of the minicab firm
we've still got to find
the actual driver.
How many one armed mini cab drivers
are there in Greater London?
- You what?
- Yeah, this geezer's only got one arm.
God, strewth!
How long was that fella looking for
that one armed geezer on he telly?
- What fella?
- You know.
Went on
for years and years.
What was his name?
Even at the death he still didn't find him.
What chance have we got?
Rotherham 9-1-8-2-4.
Hello, boss!
- Yeah?
- Reg, have a look on my desk.
Any bits of paper?
Anything scribbled on my memo pad?
Yes, boss, yes.
I'll have a look for you boss.
Hey! Guess who I've got on the blower,
Darren? Droopy draws.
- And guess what he wants to know?
- What?
Well he's in London, we're up here.
He's only ringing us to find out where he is.
The silly stupid booger.
Are you gonna tell him the bad news now,
or save it for later on?
It's a dead duck this before we
only took the really flagpole.
Hello, what wretch?
Look never read why I'm asking,
just do it.
Have a good scout round on my desk
in the top drow
just in case I jotted it down.
I am hanging on.
'Don't go away', he says.
Where am I going to go to?
I didn't jot it down.
I'm wasting my time asking.
Reg!
Reg, while you're faffing about
how did the first results go for us
at all three meetings?
He had what?!
Listen! You know it should have been laid
off when he got the second one in!
Darren! Darren!
- I've told him.
- What did he say?
'And you can tell that Darren
he can start
checking out
the job creation scheme!'
What was all that about?
There was a 1.00 at Kempton Park,
there was a 1.00 at Haydock,
there was a 1.15 at Newcastle.
One second fav and two outsiders.
Some punter had a £5 treble.
First three results
and I'm £950 down the swanny!
It's not my day.
It wasn't my night
either.
God only knows why ever
I opened that front door
and let Charles help you in.
That's him!
Charles!
He must know he picked me up.
Ring him!
If I knew his number
I'd have phoned him ages ago.
Not at his home.
The name of the firm he grafts for.
Ring them. He'll have a radio car.
They can radio him.
I don't know the firm
he works for!
I met him in a pub.
Would you be sitting there now
like a limp plant if I did?
...
- Watch it!
- Get off, freaky old b*stard!
...
Got a result.
St James Church, Notting Hill,
I've got the directions.
- Arthur?
- Terry, do I look old?
No, no, no,
truthfully.
The wedding kicks off
at quarter to three,
then he's driving the happy couple
straight to Gatwick.
It can't be easy being
a one-armed minicab driver.
- Probably got an automatic.
- I wonder which hand he gets the tips in.
Would you mind
quietening your radio?
I say would you mind
quieting your radio?
You'll all have to come to the right.
One step to the right please.
A little bit more in on the left.
That's fine.
Nice day for a wedding.
- Chear.
- Bye!
- Cheers, Mum.
- See you in Brighton, mate.
- I said we'd be too late.
- Who says we're too late?
Hold on! Hold on!
What are you doing?
Stone me, Arthur.
Not bad, eh?
Go on. Chat him up.
Minicab geezer. Chat him up.
Find out what he's done with Yorkie.
You were the one who nearly changed
the wedding into a funeral.
I'm not gonna cop all the aggro.
Look, I'm driving the stagecoach,
Terry. You're riding shotgun.
You sh**t the Indians
if you want your pay dirt.
Poor soul.
- What the hell's your game?
- Sorry about that, mate.
I should think so.
We're in the middle of a wedding.
You're a head case, you are.
You looking for trouble?
You nearly k*lled my missus
back there!
- Get those glasses off.
- Go on, Ricky! Drop him!
What?!
People like you
should be off the road!
Oh, yeah? Hold that.
I do karate, you know.
- All right.
- Hold on! Hold on!
No, no.
This one's mine, Terry!
Stand back, Tarzan!
Listen, is it all right
if he apologises?
- If who apologises?
- You apologises!
What good's apologising
gonna do?
I know what you feel.
The damage has been done now.
But he's a nutter.
Honestly.
When his bottle goes,
anything could happen.
You saw how he drove the motor.
Just screw the nut.
- I'll try and calm him down.
- Well, if he apologises then.
- That's right.
- Apologise? I'm not apologising.
- I'll kick him in the nuts!
- Are you gonna back away?
Yeah! No...
That's not the point.
You look a Spurs supporter
in those braces!
- Don't you start.
- Get in the motor.
Don't worry.
Nobody's hurt.
Is everything all right?
Is anyone hurt?
You seen Trina's?
Erwin's cousin Gavin's Trina?
- No.
- You should.
- She's gone American colonial.
- Ooh.
Mmm... American colonial
right through -
all her kitchen fittings.
You know what she's like.
She was all stripped pine
and horse brasses one time.
- And she's gone AGA.
- Mmm.
She was wondering what you were
doing with yourself,
with Erwin on the container lorries
and now that your Sarah Jane
has spread her wings.
...
...
...
Always was a nosy cow,
your Gavin's Trina.
Oh, excuse me, Brenda.
Hello. Yes?
Oh, Mr Daley.
What a relief.
Yes, I do know who you are.
They seek him here,
they seek him there.
We've found the bugger!
I tell you what.
Swing a left here.
Yeah, it'll be a doddle.
Whip through here, pick him up
and meet his missus.
Yeah, but we're never gonna do it
in 15 minutes, are we?
No. See what the afternoon traffic's like.
If the lights are with us, yeah.
- There is just one little snag.
- What?
He's got no trousers.
Yeah. We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
- No trousers?!
- Her sister-in-law came round.
- She had to hide him, didn't she?
- She would, wouldn't she?
In the garden.
- What? Without his trousers?
- Yeah.
- What are you looking at?
- Nothing, nothing.
- Who is it?
- Well, it ain't Peter bloody Pan, is it?
Here. Stick that on.
No, Arthur!
It's just while he meets
his snapdragon.
No!
I'll see you get them back,
chuffer!
I wouldn't want them back!
He's not getting my jeans.
Look, he is my oppo.
Exactly. He's your oppo,
so give him your trousers.
How can I?
I am driving.
Well, I'll drive.
Pull over.
You're a good lad,
a bobby-dazzler. Oppos!
Oppos is one thing.
Trousers is something bloody else.
Here you are.
You can use this
to cover yourself up with.
Just touch that mirror my way,
chuffer.
Good lad.
It's for the missus.
'Change at Severn Bridge,
for Newport, Cardiff, Bridgend
and Swansea.'
Well, get out
and say welcome to London then.
Hello, lovely! How goes it?
Good trip down?
- Do yourself up!
- You what?
Your trousers! You're showing
everything you've got.
No good shutting the stable door
when the horse is bolted.
They're not mine.
I can see they're not yours.
I shudder to think
where you got them from.
And where have you been
until this time?
I've got no sticky.
I won't dare ask what you got up
to last night.
A lot quiet night.
A bite to eat with Arthur, lovey.
Iti nosh and a glass of table wine.
It was very nice.
Well, it won't be Iti nosh
and table wine tonight.
- What have you got in mind?
- Nothing spectacular.
I was hoping Arthur might come up
with something.
FEMALE SINGING ♪ I'd like to get you
♪ On a slow boat to China
♪ All to myself
♪ Alone
♪ Hold you and keep you
♪ In my arms ever more
♪ Leave all those troubles... ♪
- Hello, my son.
- She's worse than he is!
Where is he?
Pointing Percy at the porcelain.
Hey, Terry, do us a favour -
gee him up a bit, will you?
You don't think I'm staying here,
do you?
- What did you phone us for?
- I haven't got the motor, have I?
You might have to run us back.
Leave it out.
It's Saturday night.
I'm on a promise.
Even I'm entitled to some pleasure.
No, no, no.
It's work.
I'm knocking out the vintage Bentley
to Yorkie.
- You're never?
- Yeah.
Surprise present for his missus.
Wedding anniversary.
Half an hour in that old banger
she'll have him in a divorce court.
I thought he was your best mate,
your oppo.
- You lent him your trousers.
- Trousers is one thing, Terry.
Business is something else.
♪ All to myself
♪ Alo-o-o-one
♪ Hold you and keep you
Yorkie!
- Chuffer!
- Yorkie!
- Gordon Bennett.
- Get them in, Terry.
Go on, go on!
Vodka slimline,
gin and orange for the duchess,
pint of the best for his lips.
Go on, go on.
Our kid,
make mine a big scotch!
And get one in for yourself.
And, Terry.
Stay on halves, eh?
Don't want any
breathalyzing.
Fasten your seatbelt, kiddo.
We're in for a bumpy ride!
She's all right the missus,
isn't she?
Magic, Yorkie.
Magic.
♪ All to myself
♪ Alo-o-o-o-o-one ♪
Gin and orange for me,
please.
♪ Mairzy doats and dozy doats
♪ And little lambsy divey
♪ A kiddle divey too.
Wouldn't you?
♪ Oh, Mairzy doats
and dozy doats
♪ And little lambsy divey...
When you've got a minute
gin and orange.
♪ Oh, Mairzy doats and dozy doats
♪ And little lambsy divey
♪ A kiddle divey too.
Wouldn't you?
♪ Oh, Mairzy doats
and dozy doats... ♪
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
subtitles by Deluxe
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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