18x01 - Rude

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to QI,
where we're all reacting

rather roughly in a show
that's really rather rude.

Joining me is our rudest panel yet.

The breathtakingly rude
John Barrowman...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the fantastically rude
Phill Jupitus...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the unbelievably rude
Aisling Bea...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and the rudest four-letter word
that I can think of - Alan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you really must interrupt,
then you can use your buzzers.

John goes...

Oi, you!
Aisling goes...

Shove it up your arse!

Wow. Phill goes...

Go to hell!

And Alan goes...

You flipping scoundrel!

Do you remember when those were the
worst words you could think of?

"You cad!" "You rapscallion."

"What the flip?" My four-year-old
says, "What the flip?"

"What the flip?!" Or fish.
My mother says, "Oh, fish!"

When you're in a boat? Yeah, yeah.

It's a Scandinavian way
of getting excited.

Open any cupboard in the house -
"Oh, fish!"

LAUGHTER

Of if nobody's showered.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Our first question is R for risky.

Name something that is so rude you
can't say it on a BBC comedy show.

Hell. Yes?

BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

Let's try this instead.

Name something that you CAN say
on a BBC comedy show NOW

that you couldn't say in the 1950s.

We're post-watershed,
we're allowed a f*ck.

Yay!

Only if it's cleared.

You have to write to whatever
the gods of words of television are.

You have to write and get
permission. Yeah. Yeah? I'll start.

On the radio, they used to say...
There was a list of eight words

they'd give you at the BBC...
You must have had this list. Yeah.

..when I started doing the radio,
back in the '90s.

But the only thing we got
in trouble for, really,

was blasphemy. Well, in the late


the BBC Variety Programmes Policy
Guide For Writers And Producers.

It became known as the Green Book,

and it was what was acceptable
for broadcasting.

There was an absolute ban on jokes
regarding, and I'm quoting here,

"lavatories, effeminacy in men,
immorality of any kind,

"and any suggestive references
to honeymoon couples,

"chambermaids and fig leaves."

LAUGHTER

"That should cover it."
I know!

The vulgar use of the word
"basket" must be avoided.

"Oh, hello, missus.
Can I see your basket, please?

"What, have you got some
melons in your basket?"
Now you do it like that...

Yes, suggestive references
to ladies' underwear,

so things like, "Winter drawers
on," you wouldn't say that,

and it conceded that "references
to Noah were sometimes permissible".

But it added, "Since there is seldom
anything to be gained by them,

"and since they can engender
much resentment,

"they are best avoided altogether."

You couldn't make jokes
about solicitors,

miners or the working class.

And, in particular,
you could not make any joke about

a specific Irish family called
the MacGillycuddys of the Reeks.

I wonder who they are. They're an
ancient family but, apparently,

several jokes have been made
about them and they took offence.

And even now,
we should not be amused by

the MacGillycuddys of the Reeks.

You know in Ireland

there are certain words
like feck, Jaysus and shite? Yeah.

These are OK,
they're versions of fudge,

that's why
so many people in Ireland say them,

so something like Father Ted -
"Drink, feck, girls, arse!" -

those are versions of
what you get away with saying...

It's the same in the States.
You can say frickin'. Frickin'.

"I don't frickin' believe it." And
that's fine. Max Miller, in 1944,

he tells the story about meeting
a rather attractive woman

on a mountain pass,
and it included the line,

he didn't know whether to "block her
passage or toss himself off" and...

LAUGHTER

But he got banned for five years.
Five years...

PHILL: Wow!
..he received for that particular...

AISLING: Ooh, it was worth it,
though. I know.

The very first song, in fact,
banned by the BBC was

George Formby's My Little Ukulele
In My Hand. It was 1933.

He was apparently
a regular offender.

The BBC described him
as "our old friend".

I remember when we were BBC trained
for presenting and everything

and we were always told,

"You can say it on air,
as long as it is in a medical book."

# Oh, I'm absolutely riddled

# With chlamydia. #

LAUGHTER

That's why Alan is sitting
between us.

The music-hall singer Marie Lloyd,
she was absolutely fantastic.

She was told off for her song...

She had a song called She Sits
Among The Cabbages And Peas,

and it was said to be rude,
so she agreed to change it,

and she sang She Sits Among
The Cabbages And Leeks.

LAUGHTER

Y'all know the movie Mrs Miniver?
Yeah. There's a scene

where the actor - I can't remember
his name off the top of my head -

he jumps into bed in his pyjamas,

just after he's got back
from helping the rescue at D-Day,

and as he jumps in bed, his willy
falls out of his pyjamas...

I was hoping you were going to
say pyjamas, not off his body!

LAUGHTER

It leapt off him! Oh, my God.
And for some reason,

the editor at that point
in the movie obviously missed it,

they didn't cut it out and to this
day it's still in the film.

Sorry, Sandi... We've got to go.

LAUGHTER

I was doing a job recently.

As an actor, you have to say
what nudity you're OK with

before you do, like,
a lovemaking scene or anything.

My agent was texting me -
they had to do it the next day,

so I only had the time to text her
what to put into the contract

and I was like, "Boob. No nip.
Top of crack, fine.

"Bottom of crack, no."

And she printed out that text for me
and framed it for me

and sent it to me. "Top of crack,
yes. Bottom of crack, no.

"That much I save for my husband."

LAUGHTER

It's good to know you've got
standards, Aisling.

Thank you, yeah. Now, you've all got
some chopsticks under your desk.

What is the rudest thing
that you can do with them?

I think there's some food as well.
I say food, it's jelly babies. Oh!

So, what is the rudest thing
that you can do with them?

Is it break up
the chopsticks into firewood

and then get the sushi
in front of the chef and go,

"I'm just going to heat this up"?

PHILL: I've been there.
It's to put them...

Oh, leave them in the bowl?

That is rude, but it's not as rude
as passing food from one to another

with your own chopsticks.

So, if John was to pass a jelly
baby to Aisling, unbelievably rude.

Like that? Do you know why?
I feel like I've just become a meme.

Ooh! That's rude, John.

I don't want it.
Let's do it again.

HE MOANS

LAUGHTER

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?
Don't show bottom crack. Go.

HE MOANS

You can finish it off yourself.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I wasn't very clear.

It's passing with your chopstick
to the next chopstick.

It was not necessarily in her mouth.
Oh! Yeah.

Why do you think that might be?

Is it that you'd be mixing
flavours of the foods?

No. So, it reminds everybody
of Buddhist funerals. Huh?

PHILL: Yeah, that's what
I was going to say.

At least stand them up
like terracotta soldiers.

Oh, OK. Let's do that.

I'm trying to talk to you
about Buddhist funerals! Carry on.

You're just playing with
jelly babies. So, you...

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoa!

I mean, honestly, this looks
like a meeting of my family.

In a Buddhist funeral,
they use chopsticks to pick

the deceased bones out of the ashes
and place them in the urn.

So, larger bones,
you need two sets of chopsticks.

So, two sets of chopsticks
touching reminds people

of removing their ancestors' bones
and putting them in an urn.

Sticking chopsticks vertically up
in food, very rude in both China

and in Japan. Anybody know why?
It looks like an "up yours" symbol?

Again, it's funerals.

It reminds people of joss sticks
which are used at funerals.

What's the thing, then,
when you get it, you place it...?

You know the little table
they give you for your chopsticks,

where did that come from?

Well, that's all because you don't
want to put them on the bowl,

for example.
There are all sorts of words.

So, in Japan, the word
for chopsticks is hashi.

And, then, when it's part of
a compound word, it's called bashi.

And all of these things are really
bad manners. So, watashi-bashi -

placing your chopsticks
across the bowl like that.

That's why you have the little rest.

I'm quite in the mood
for a watashi-bashi.

LAUGHTER

Neburi-bashi is sucking
on your chopsticks.

Saguri-bashi is rummaging,
food rummaging.

And then sashi-bashi
is skewering your food.

All of these things in Japan
are terribly bad manners.

You know at Christmas when someone
offers you a box of Roses?

You're like, "I love the orange
ones!" That's saguri-bashi.

That's rude. Does anybody know what
the world record is for catching

shuttlecocks with a pair of
chopsticks?

Oh, I'm in. Yeah. Er...

Look, OK. I have got
a racquet and a shuttlecock.

We're going to give this a go.
OK, who wants to go first?

John, do you want to go first?
Sure. You're going up?

Almost. Yeah.

Aisling, you want a go?
Yeah. Ready? OK.

OK. No.

Er, Phill? Are you ready?

Alan? Maybe it's not catching it,
you have to stab it a little bit.

I don't know what's the
easiest thing...

If I send it high... Well,
why don't...? Go high, go high!

AISLING YELPS

JOHN SCREECHES

So, this is a thing.

Do you know what the world record
is? 4,000.

"Exterminate jelly babies.

Exterminate..."

APPLAUSE

"Darling, don't say that..."

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

"Mother! Mother!"
"Exterminate!"

"Oh, no.
It's come back as a woman."

THEY BOTH SHRIEK

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God. Give a bunch
of performers too much sugar...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, but I didn't hit it to you!

Oh. But you didn't say
that you HAD to hit it to me.

No, it's the world record
for catching a shuttlecock,

but I've got to send it to you.
OK. Try now, try now. Are you ready

now you've got the hang of it?
I'm going to stand up.

I'll do a gentler one. Oh!

Quickly, do it now, because I can do
it really prim. Are you ready? Yes.

Anyway,
the record is 54 in a minute.

So you guys are rubbish!

OK. Last one. You ready? Ready.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm out of breath. That's the most
sport I've done in years.

Now, here's a real faux pas.
You might know that Oedipus

m*rder*d his father,
but what was the motive?

Cos he wouldn't give him
the car keys to go on a date.

You are, weirdly, in the right area.

Shut up! Shut the front door.

This is Oedipus in the middle.
Not quite sure they got the arms

in the right place.

It looks like someone
behind doing the arms,

like he's got his arms like that
and someone else is doing them.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Oedipus is talking to
Tiresias, who's a soothsayer,

and he wants to know who has
k*lled his father.

He's going to discover it was him.
He didn't know it was his father.

So why did he k*ll his father?
Does anybody know?

He thought his father
k*lled his father. Huh?

LAUGHTER

The guy he thought was his father

he thought was the bloke
who k*lled his real father.

That's like EastEnders kind of plot.

You said I was close about the car.

Was it because his dad wouldn't
allow him to do something...?

It is to do with driving.
The chariot.

It is to do with the chariot. The
miracle that Oedipus was told by

an oracle that he would
marry his mother

and he would k*ll his father...
I do not recall that. OK.

He wasn't told he was adopted

so he didn't know
who his actual father was.

And one day he got into an argument
with his birth father,

who was King Laius,
over who had the right of way,

and so Oedipus k*lled him.

But he k*lled him not knowing
that it was his father.

This is chariot rage.
This is before modern road rage

and even before that there was
carriage rage.

We think it's like a new thing...

ALAN HUMS

What are you humming, darling?

HE HUMS LOUDER

That's the running...
Chariots Of Fire, yeah.

Best nickname in the history
of sport. What's that? Chariots.

For the Rugby League player
Martin Offiah.

It's also the name of a very popular
g*y sauna in Central London.

I've driven past that. Yeah,
I, all the time, drive past them.

LAUGHTER

It's a chain, so it's like a brand
like McDonald's that you recognise.

"This is going to be a nice sauna."

So you're not going in for Big Mac,
you're going in for a "big mac"!

I think we should move on.

There's always been some
kind of rage on the road.

There's chariot rage,
there was carriage rage.

In 1817, Lord Byron wrote to his
friend that he had just had a row

with a man in a carriage
who had shouted at him

and frightened his horse,
and expressed, as he wrote,

"An intention of mending the road
with his immediate remains

"if he did not hold his tongue."
He held it.

And I think that is something
we should say in road rage.

"I shall mend the road
with your immediate remains

"if you do not hold your tongue."

You rarely see people from the past
without a beard. I admire that.

He's a handsome fellow.
Very handsome.

He kept a pet bear at university.
When you say a bear...

No, I don't mean a...
Oh, OK. ..a larger gentleman.

Yeah.
"Byron, come upstairs, I'm ready."

"We're going to Chariots."

LAUGHTER

The phrase road rage,
when do we reckon it dates from?



'88 is exactly right,
you get an extra point.

WHOOPING

First appeared in a Florida
newspaper in 1988.

Probably a play on what was called
steroid rage, roid rage, road rage.

They did a study of 2,400 drivers
in the United States. They found

that motorists who carry g*ns -
more likely to indulge in road rage.

I know. Quelle surprise.
I know, right?

A 2019 survey found in the UK,
people in Yorkshire most likely to

rage on the roads.
But people in Yorkshire, to be fair,

are just being annoyed
that there's a road.

"Used to be all fields
when I were a lad. Look at this now.

"Bloody roads!
Bloody roads everywhere!"

That's very good, darling.

"All going t'south."

LAUGHTER

"Where they drink shandy.

"The b*stards."

LAUGHTER

"Look at the state of you
in your trousers. Trousers!

"Look at you." The only reason
I moved to Scotland is

so I can call people
from Yorkshire southerners.

LAUGHTER

Who thinks it's attractive
to stand in front of a female

and shout in her face?

The entire Republican Party.
So true.

APPLAUSE

That's so true.

So, we are not talking
about a person,

we are talking about a creature,
and it is an astonishing creature.

It's the white bellbird. So, the
correct name is the Procnias albus.

It lives in the Amazon. It's got the
loudest call in the avian kingdom.

From a metre away,
it averages 116 dB.

So, that is the same
as a rock concert.

It's the same as a sort of
sports crowd shouting.

Or a white guy in a bar. Yeah.
The bird is about this big, OK?

That is its wattle,

can you see this thing
that's hanging down? Yep.

It's just a single loud note. I
mean, it's just like a fog horn, OK?

Have a listen to this.

WHITE BELLBIRD BRAYS

And what they do is, when
they find the likely mate,

they land on a branch
and they swivel their body face on,

and they bray into the female's
face, and she doesn't seem to mind.

I mean, she risks hearing loss
at this point.

And the females judge their mates
entirely on volume

and there seems to be
no purpose to this.

It is just to try and get the
woman to go, "Wow, you're loud..."

Wow, I like it.
"..and I really fancy you."

What's the highest note
you can sing, John?

I don't know. I've never screamed
in a woman's face before.

Well, that's how you get them.

If only there was a woman near you!

If I weren't doing eight shows
a week and doing a concert... Yeah.

..I'd go to B flat.
Go on. Give us a note.

Sing the word Mary in a B flat.
Let me think here.

# Mary... #

HIGHER PITCH: # Mary. #

Go on.

I don't know
why I picked Mary, by the way.

What about shuttlecock? Yeah.

SUSTAINED NOTE: # Shuttle-c*ck! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, John!

How do your ovaries feel now?
Exploding, John. Whay!

Oh, my God.

Children at home watching this,
trying to pick up dating techniques.

So, from one rude man to another.

Whose genitals are seven feet longer
than they used to be?

Don't know where they found
that picture.

LAUGHTER

Are we talking specifically male
genitals? We are, darling. OK.

We're talking about a p*nis that's
seven foot... A man in the back row
put his hand up.

Did you put your hand up, darling?
Do you know what it is?

No, I just wanted to brag.

LAUGHTER

KLAXON BLARES

Oh, my word.
Put your phone number on there!

LAUGHTER

You do not have a seven-foot long
willy. That's amazing!

It's no wonder
we had to sit you at the back.

Is that your girlfriend
you're sat beside?
His girlfriend's six rows in front.

LAUGHTER

It's not how big it is, it's what
you do with it. Exactly.

IN YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "It's not
what you do with it..."

"It's that you do it in Yorkshire."

"..it's that you do it
in bloody Yorkshire.

"I use it to dig me vegetables."

LAUGHTER

Is it to do with,
like, a medical condition?

No, it is to do with a piece of art.

It is carved into the hillside.
PHILL: Oh!

It's the Rude Man of Cerne.
It is. The Cerne Abbas Giant,

or the Old Man of Cerne.

It is indeed known as
the Rude Man of Cerne. Oh!

So, he's a 200-foot tall chalk
carving in Dorset. Look at that.

Have you ever seen this? I have,
I have. Has a notably large...

Well, he's well endowed,
let's just put it that way.

But he wasn't always
this well endowed. So, initially,

his proud member was just 16ft long.

You would think that's quite big,
but if you think about scale, so if

you imagine a 6ft man has a six-inch
p*nis. He's 200ft, you'd imagine him

to have a 200-inch p*nis,
which is about 16ft long. Right.

But sometime around 1908,
for reasons we don't know why,

they merged his p*nis
with his bellybutton

and gave him an extra seven foot.

LAUGHTER

AISLING: What's weird,
when I look at that,

I see a shy little girl with
pigtails licking a lollipop.

Does no-one else see that?

LAUGHTER

A little bun on her head.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, now you say that...

Like, there she is,
having a lovely time, going,

"I love my lollipop." Yeah!

Then she's got, like,
Pippi Longstocking hair.

Yeah, and then she's just got
a little bun on her head. Yeah.

Maybe we've misinterpreted this
for years.

So, we don't know how old it is.

There was a survey of land
in the area in 1617,

no mention of him at all.

Either it wasn't there or it had
been overgrown, I don't know.

By the 1760s, we start
to get references to him.

So, certainly, there's a 1764
edition of The Gentleman's Magazine,

and that's got a drawing in it,
including measurements, when he had

the smaller... Are you sure it
wasn't The Ladies' Magazine? Hey!

Ladies couldn't read at that time.

LAUGHTER

Don't really know why he's there.
It's possible that it was

a parody of Cromwell and
dates from the Civil w*r,

that people were taking
the mickey out of Cromwell.

There was a wonderful campaign
in 1921.

There was a Mr Long
from Gillingham, in Dorset,

and he hated this thing

and he had a campaign that the
giant's genitals should be hidden

with a huge fig leaf,

and two local bishops thought
this was a marvellous idea.

Apparently, the Home Office thought
about it but didn't actually do it.

He's been covered up lots of times.


a giant pair of jeans for him.

LAUGHTER

Yes! Yes!

That reminds me of me in
high school sitting at a desk -

"Oh, no, it's coming out! Noooo!"

What lesson?

Math. Maths? Yeah.
Wow, that's weird.

The teacher was... What was his
name? Not telling you.

LAUGHTER


by the Family Planning Association.

And in 2007 a protestor known
only as the Purple Phantom

painted his entire p*nis purple.

Using what? How do you dye grass?

Uh...with dye. Mm.

LAUGHTER

Now, there's nothing ruder than
someone with bad timekeeping,

but who is always a little bit late?

Well, is it to do with astrology?

Hmm... We're not all actually born
under the star sign we think we are.

Yes, that is the case, but that
is not what we are talking about.

It's a small amount of lateness.

Weirdly, the stars are
sort of connected to it.

It's very important
because of the interconnectivity

of the planet that we all
run on the same time.

Is it Greenwich Mean Time, the
clock or something, I don't know,

just behind? No, it isn't Greenwich.
That was a lovely guess, John.

It's a nice guess. It was a very
nice guess.

There's an atomic clock. Is it in
Switzerland?

It is to do with the atomic clock.
You are absolutely right.

You get an extra point.
There are 50 or more national labs

around the world which
all run on atomic clocks.

So, what they do is they measure
the vibration of caesium atoms, OK?

So, one second is defined as

the time it takes for a caesium atom

to vibrate 9,192,631,770 times.

That's that number of times
per second, OK, for it to vibrate.

And then each clock around the world
sends all of its data to Paris,

to the International Bureau
of Weights and Measurements,

and they collate it. This process
is called Coordinated Universal Time

and it is used throughout the world,
except in one country.

AISLING: Russia.
PHILL: North Korea.

It's not Denmark. It is Denmark.

It is Denmark, and I think
an extra ten points there.

They don't play ball with time.
Didn't bother. We didn't bother.

We never updated our laws. I don't
know. We were busy. There was a
herring season. I've no idea...

We just use something called
mean solar time,

but because the Danes
have failed to play ball,

we are pretty much a quarter of
a second late to every meeting.

PHILL: Certainly
explains the fashion.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!
Phill!

Have you been to Denmark?
I have, yeah. Loads. I love it.

Yeah, you won't be welcome now,
you know that, right?

It's all right. I'll just say
I know you. "Passport?"

"No, Sandi sent me."
"Oh, that is OK. Please come in."

LAUGHTER

"You are a quarter
of a second early."

LAUGHTER

So, it's called
Coordinated Universal Time,

but the acronym is UTC.
Why do you think that might be?

Cos isn't that milk? Yeah.
Is that milk? No, that's...

AUDIENCE MEMBER: UHT.

UHT. Thank you very much. UHT,
sorry. I knew it was something.

And then there's PMT.
Do not buy that milk.

LAUGHTER

So, UTC it's called.

So, in French, it would be
"temps universel coordonne",

so TUC. And, apparently,
nobody could agree,

so UTC was just a compromise.
It doesn't actually mean anything.

Why do you think we have 60 seconds
and 60 minutes? There was a lot

of early attempts to do timekeeping.

Why do you think we went for 60
minutes? Is it...? I don't know.

Birds. Birds?!

Another lovely guess from John,
isn't he great?

Birds, he says, Sandi! You know when
your three-year-old says something

and they're trying to be clever and
you want to go, "Yes. No, that's..."

Maybe it is birds, John.
Yes. 60 birds.

I'm coming off that sugar high
right now.

LAUGHTER

"Sandi, is it birds?"

I always thought it was just
mathematics. Yes, but why?

Because of all the factors in 60.

Yeah, so, 60 is a
fantastically useful number

because it can be divided
by 12 other numbers

to make fractions easy.

And you can go back 4,000 years
to the Ancient Babylonians,

who are probably the ones that came
up with the idea of the 60 minutes.

They just got it from the birds,
though, didn't they?

They just got it...

LAUGHTER

Fundamentally, the birds...

Can I do a little bit of Sandi
mythology that I'd like to break?

Yes, darling.

I heard a story that a young Sandi
Toksvig was at, potentially,

Cambridge University? And someone
was talking about how cavemen

or whatever used to use, like...
They found old versions of calendars

that cavemen would have,
like, 30 things marked out in them

and a tiny, tiny Danish hand
went up and was like,

"Why in the hell would it be
a caveman and not a cavewoman?"

And they were like, "What?" "Why
would a man need to know 30 days

"has passed? That's clearly a woman

"invented those calendars
for obvious reasons."

Is that a fact?

It is!

Clever Sandi.
It's my favourite Sandi fact.

Yeah, I love that.

This is to do with a particular
bone that is thought to be

the world's first calendar, and it's
actually got 28 markings on it.


and somebody said,

"This is Man's first attempt
at a calendar."

But, clearly, no man needs to know


We f*cking do!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's called the Ishango bone but
the thought was first to put to me

by a wonderful woman
called Dr Deborah Swallow.

So, this idea of using 60 has been
around probably for 5,000...

certainly 4,000 years, and the
Romans and the Greeks borrowed that

but they didn't take the bit
about 60 minutes for an hour,

and so hours are whatever length
you needed them to be.

In the summer you could have
an hour that was 75 minutes long

and in the winter you could have an
hour that was maybe 45 minutes long.

I have to say, the Scandinavians
would have hours that

were 15 minutes long in the winter.

The Vikings had a completely
different way of telling time.

They would divide
the day into eight parts

and they would do this by splitting
the horizon into eight parts

and people would pick a daymark -
so a feature of the landscape

that was directly above the middle
of each of these sections -

and then you would know what time it
was depending on where the sun was

over the chosen hill
or tree or field

and each village would have
these particular day marks.

Say you're on a Viking rampage,
like your people used to be... Wow.

You're somewhere where you don't
know. No idea what time it is.

"Oh, we are late again but we have
brought bacon and herring."

Someone comes back and he's like,
"Guys, I was down there by myself,

"like a fool, rampaging all on my
own. I thought we agreed a time?"

Sorry, are these rabbits invading?

LAUGHTER

ALAN: Dutch Rabbit.

Does sound like a euphemism.

LAUGHTER

Why should you not have
horns on your helmet?

PHILL:
Because they didn't have horns.

They didn't have horns
on their helmets. Did they not...?

No, it was invented by a designer
for a Wagnerian opera.

But these daymarks that the Vikings
had, you still get some names.

So in Norway you might get

Middagsfjeld or Middagshorn
or Middagsberg...

Say it again, say it quieter.

I love it when you talk
the mother tongue.

Do it more, do it more, I love it.

LAUGHTER

Right. We all know that
it's rude to pull faces,

but what comes next
in this sequence?

That actually looks like Take That
just before Robbie left.

AISLING LAUGHS

Very good. Which end are we adding
to? So, we are adding to the right.

What's the next one? Is it vomit?
It is vomit. It's known as Barf.

This is the
Baxter Animated Retching Faces.

What it is, it's used for children

so when they've got nausea and
they can't explain exactly how bad

they feel, then you use this,
usually with a computer screen,

so the user can kind of scroll up
and down and stop at the one

that describes how they're feeling.

I need to bring that and give it
to my friends for nights out.

I don't know...

SHE MUMBLES

Darling, point. Point!

Point! She's about to spew.

Hold my hair. John. Hold...

You're all right, darling.
You're fine. You're all right.

I'm so sorry.
That's OK. We still love you.

She'll be fine. She'll be fine.

Once I get it out, I can go again.
That's why we love you.

Am I still pretty, John?
Yeah, you're always pretty.

Just wipe that off a bit.
There you go.

Best friend I've ever had, John.

Classic me.

Aisling! Yeah? Aisling! Yeah?

SHE MUMBLES

Just say something so we know
you're not dead, love.

I'm not dead, love.

Anyway, the retching scale is
based on a similar one called

the Wong-Baker Scale
which is used for pain.

So, it's the same thing with kids,
if you don't really know how much
pain they're in. There you are.

It wouldn't be helpful if your child
did NOT look like a moon. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Why should you always be polite
to your doctor?

What's in it for you to be
polite to your doctor?

Cos they'll spit in your drip
behind your back

before they serve it to you.
Well, it's worse than that.

I was in a veterinary surgery
and I was behind the scenes

and when the bring the animals in,
when you hand the animal over,

you don't want to see how they
manipulate it and move the animal.

Cos they'd be like,
"Oh, is this your cat?"

Yeah. Move the leg! Put it in!

Argh-argh-argh-argh-argh!

But why should you be nice to them?
Because when you go into surgery

you don't want them to take it
out on you to flip you around

or do something really
violent with you.

Well, you want them to be good at
their job, is that fair? Yeah. Yes.

OK, so not that.

LAUGHTER

In 2017 they did
a study of surgeons in Israel

and they looked at rudeness.

It makes doctors 50% less
good at their jobs.

That's the same answer, though.
Well, they don't take it out on you,

they just can't help themselves.
They performed a simulated surgery

on a child, all the time
while they're being yelled at

by one of the child's parents,

and not only did they communicate
less well, they made incorrect

diagnosis, they sometimes picked up
the wrong instruments

and lots of the patients they were
"operating on" would have died.

So be nice because you don't want
your doctor to make

a mess of things. Now, why do
the most mature people do this?

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

I'm staying out of this one.

It's nothing to do with birds.

LAUGHTER

Are we talking about the very
elderly or losing control?

I think most people do it but it is
done by the most mature people

at a certain age.
What age might it be?

Oh, it's developmental milestone,
blowing a raspberry. Yeah.

It is absolutely.

A very important part
of a baby's language development.

It's the way they learn how to
manoeuvre their jaw

and their lips and their tongue
and so on, making loud noises

and quiet noises, and the earlier
a baby blows a loud raspberry,

the earlier they tend to speak

and it is a sign at that
age of maturity.

Fascinating. And then parents
blow raspberries back

and that reinforces the behaviour
and it's how we teach them that

it's worth making that noise
cos you'll communicate.

John, please. John.

LAUGHTER

They did a study in 2018
of babies' first words.

London infants are the most rude,
apparently. West Midlands...

LAUGHTER

West Midlands are the most polite.
I love this - Scottish babies

learn quicker than others
to say the word sorry.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry."

The Montessori Method of Education,

when children start to talk back
and start to question the rules,

they refer to that
as the age of rudeness.

It's a good sign
if your child is spirited and rude,

it means they're making a bit of
space for themselves in the world.

The alternative is for them
to slip into depression.

No, rudeness and talking back
is a sign of advanced maturity.

I mean, it's annoying
but it's still a thing.

Household assistants like Siri
and Alexa are becoming more common.

What is the effect on children?

They don't know to say please
and thank you, maybe,

cos they can demand...
You're absolutely right.

It is making children more rude.


and you do not have to say please

or thank you, so they are making
children more rude.

Blowing raspberries
is a sign of maturity...

ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY

LAUGHTER

..but only in babies.

All of which brings us to the fruity
matter of general ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

Name a body part that
is built only for pleasure.

Oh!

The clitoris?

KLAXON BLARES

Can I just say, that is the biggest
clitoris I have ever seen?

LAUGHTER

It's the first one I've ever seen!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not true. Why do we think that?
Oi! Yes, darling? Is it feet?

No, it's not feet.

But I'm just going to say, I'm just
going to finish with the clitoris.

So, it used to be thought that
it was the only human organ

whose sole function was pleasure.

One of the things that we now
know is that it's actually

fantastically clever.
So, the clitoris informs the brain

that it's time to create THE very
best swimming conditions for sperm.

So it's in men's interests to engage
the clitoris in what's going on.

That's right, man at the back,
who thinks all you need...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Do you remember when
you were younger,

this sort of word
that's gone out of use?

There used to be erogenous zones.
Zones, yes.

People would say,
"What's your erogenous zone?" Yeah.

PHILL: Basildon.

LAUGHTER

Zone six!

But, yeah, people were obsessed
with ear lobes.

"Oh, it's the ear lobes." Yes. The
ear lobes is not an erogenous zone.

No, not at all. What a day
for that lady to go modelling.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. Neither here nor there...

You know when you buy a chicken
and it hasn't been plucked properly,

you know that?

PHILL: It looks like
Desperate Dan's chin.

Is it the perineum?
Er, no.

So, we're still on the part that
is entirely... The appendix? No.

It's a part of the brain that
is entirely wired for pleasure

and it is called the
nucleus accumbens. It is...

Oh, I forgot the question
was pleasure. Pleasure.

And I was like, "Is it the
appendix?" Yeah. I was going to say,

how are you pleasuring
your appendix? Yeah.

SHE FEIGNS MOANS OF PLEASURE

No.

So, it's the bit of the brain that
when we feel rewarded in some way,

we eat food, or we take drugs,
or we have sex or whatever,

it fires in dopamine into the body
and makes you feel good.

So, it's the bit of the body
that is there just for pleasure.

You should just do that a lot, then.

Well, just help yourself.
Hit your head off that.

Yeah. Oh, I feel great. Yeah.

Ow! Sorry!

Notice how I didn't do it.
"John, try that."

Remind me not to listen to you
again!

I'm just going to say, I don't think
that's going to do it. OK.

Which country's national poem
begins with the words

"O Lithuania"?

Is it Latvia?

KLAXON BLARES

APPLAUSE

What's the other one?
Estonia. Estonia.

KLAXON BLARES

Is it Lithuania? Lithuania.
Can we put that up there?

KLAXON BLARES

Er, no, it's Poland. Oh. Ah.

So your family comes originally
from Lithuania, do they not?

Yes, my stepdad's family. Jupitus?

Is Jupitus...? They are from...
Seputis, yes, from Vilnius.

But the answer is, in fact,
it's from Poland.

It's from their national poem.

So, there was a poet
called Adam Mickiewicz

and the opening verse begins...

O Lithuania, my country, thou

Art like good health
I never knew till now

How precious, till I lost thee.

So, why is it part of the Polish
national anthem, do we think?

Are they slagging Lithuania? No.

So, there used to be the Polish
Lithuanian Commonwealth.

We miss you. We miss you, yeah.
Basically, we miss you.

Longest national anthem
in the world, anybody?

Have a guess. North Korea.
It's Greece. It's got 158...

No, that's a musical.

LAUGHTER

It's not a national anthem, Sandi.

It's a great musical.
It stars a woman called Sandy.

LAUGHTER

So, 158 stanzas in the Greek one.

They only use two because, you know,
like, who would do all that?

My favourite,
Congo's national anthem asks,

"And if we have to die
does it really matter?"

LAUGHTER

What can it mean
when you smell burnt toast?

You're having a stroke.

KLAXON BLARES

What a pleasing image that is to
see those words flashing over John.

LAUGHTER

It means you've overheated
your bread. Is it really?

It's honestly just that.
They say if you smell burnt toast

or if you feel like
you're starting to droop...

Who tells you this,
a doctor you've shouted at?

LAUGHTER

No, a vet!

That's what I always thought it was.

It's a common misconception.

No, but you know what's really
scary, though, because my husband

must be doing something to me
because every morning I wake up

smelling burnt toast and
there's never any toast to eat.

He's making me think
I'm having a stroke!

LAUGHTER

Phantosmia is when you think you
can smell something and so you are

having an olfactory dysfunction.

No, I think my husband's actually
burning toast in the morning

and trying to get me to think
I'm having a stroke every morning.

Yeah. It wakes me up in a panic.
He's gaslighting you. Yes. Yes.

So, you are not having a stroke.
You are not having a brain tumour.

If you had a stroke, it doesn't
affect particularly your sense of

smell and there is no specific scent
that you should look out for.

You are unlikely to be having
a stroke if you can smell toast.

You're more likely
to be having breakfast. Yes.

Why shouldn't you flash
in an art gallery?

LAUGHTER

If you take a photograph with the
flash... It can bleach the painting.

KLAXON BLARES

I thought it did. Lots of people do
think it will, I dunno,

bleach the delicate colours of the
painting. It's not true. Why, then?

In order for any damage to be done,
you'd have to have a flash

as powerful as the ones inside
professional photography studios,

but the effect would be so small,
it would be invisible to the eye.

First of all
you'll get a terrible photograph.

Also it's very annoying
for everybody else.

Also does it make
the gallery less money
if everyone's just taking pictures?

"You don't need to see it, guys,
I got a picture."

Cos you know the Mona Lisa's
hard to get a picture of?

Because there's
so many people in front of it.

What I found hilarious about the
Mona Lisa when I went to see it...

I went to the Louvre.
Oh, Phill! And I went...

Well, that's where it is,
so that's good. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

So far it was going well for you.

Yeah, you know what?
I'll bail out from that anecdote.

Aw, Phill, we want to know.

Tell us, Phill!

AUDIENCE: Tell us, Phill. Tell us.

LAUGHTER

Actually, cos I'm 57, I've genuinely
forgotten what I was going to say.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The best argument for not flashing
in an art gallery

is that it's a little bit rude.

All of which ungentlemanly
and unladylike conduct brings us

to the slightly tactless moment
where we find out just how useless

everybody has been. So, let me tell
you, in last place, oh, with -10,

it's the audience.

CHEERING

In fourth place, well, a complete
disgrace, with -5, it's Phill.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sticking their tongue out with -2,
it's Aisling.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In second place, c*ck a snook
with -1, it's Alan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-1! That's pretty good.

In first place, flipping everybody
the bird, with one point, it's John.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much to Aisling,
John, Phill and Alan.

I leave you with these wise words
from the founder of a nation,

US President George Washington.

"The foolish and wicked practice
of profane cursing and swearing

"is a vice so mean and low that
every person of sense and character

"detests and despises it."

Wow, what a boring twat he was.

Thank you and goodnight.