15x13 - Omnishambles

[bunniefuu]

Good evening!

Welcome to QI.

Tonight, we have a show that
promises to be

an outright omnishambles,

and trying to stay on top of it all,

we have the cack-handed
Josh Widdicombe.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The ham-fisted Stephen K Amos.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The butter-fingered Cally Beaton.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And the... Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And their buzzers are going
all over the place. Josh goes...

BARKING, MOOING

That doesn't sound good, does it?

No. It went on far longer
than I'd expected, as well.

Stephen goes...

BARKING, NEIGHING, GALLOPING

Wow, that's terrifying.
Cally goes...

BARKING, CLUCKING

And Alan goes...

BARKING
Listen! Listen! Listen!

APPLAUSE

OK, what's this all about?

A disgrace!

Dangerous!

Not a very edifying spectacle!

Wretched women! What...?

Is this about women on panel shows?

Ah, yes.
Only last year, in fact, I think!

Horrified. Yeah. Yeah,
a bit horrifying to be here.

So panel shows,
it's to do with games of some kind.

Is it women playing sport?

Yes, women doing sport.

It was thought to be one of the most
shocking things in the world.

These are descriptions
of the women's 800 metres

at the 1928 Olympics, OK?

So women had been allowed to compete
in the track and field events

for the very first time, and the
media reported

that it was a disaster.
According to these reports,

out of the 11 runners, five
collapsed before getting to the end.

Five fainted at the finish line
and only one was still standing,

and she passed out
in the dressing room moments later.

Some of the women took 15
minutes to regain consciousness.

Those who hadn't won
sobbed hysterically.

And as a result, the 800 metres race
was deemed to be just too injurious

to these women and it was dropped
from the Olympics for 32 years.

In reality,
there were nine women runners,

they all completed it,
no-one collapsed,

no-one became hysterical and six of
them beat the existing world record.

This wasn't the first Olympics women
competed in, though, was it?

No. They'd competed before.
Only in some sports.

So the founder of the modern
Olympics, Pierre de Coubertin,

he vehemently opposed
female participation,

he absolutely wasn't having it.

That's Rowan Atkinson!

It does look like him, doesn't it?!

Anyway, him, Pierre de Coubertin,

he vehemently opposed
female participation.

He said it would be, "impractical,
uninteresting, unaesthetic

"and improper".

He said, women's primary role
should be, "to crown the victors,

"since they were,
above all, a companion to men".

But you're absolutely right,

they had been allowed to compete
from 1900, but only in five sports,

and they were considered the kind
of easy ones. Sewing.

Sewing, yes, was a big one.
LAUGHTER

It was tennis, croquet, golf,
sailing and equestrian.

And the women got fed up with this.

So in 1922, they held
their own Olympics in Paris.

20,000 people attended.

Oh, wow! There were
18 world records set.

One of the more unusual events
is that one on the right,

it's the two-handed javelin.

And athletes had to throw once with
their right hand, then once

with their left hand, and the score
was the combined distance

of the two throws.
So a sort of ambidextrous javelin.

Yes, yes. Yeah. And then your
team-mate had to catch it! Yes.

I wouldn't want to be the one
who had to measure it

when people were throwing
the javelin left-handed.

But one of the great...

Is that two together
that you're doing?

That's two, that's getting
the javelin and throwing them.

Quite difficult, I'd have thought.
I would think it was quite tricky.

I think she's going too far up, that
one, it's going to go straight up

and down in front of her.
Her trajectory is all wrong.

One of the reasons why women wanted
to take part in the Olympics was the

incredibly restricted clothing that
they wore in the traditional games.

So, up until the mid 1900s,
female swimmers had to wear blouses

and bloomers in the pool.

They used to play tennis in dresses
that covered the ankle

and multiple petticoats and corsets,
and so on. Shoes with heels.

But I think that's why it took
so long for women

to get involved in sports, because
I run, and it's all about two bras.

Yeah. Keeping...
Nothing should move.

Because otherwise, honestly,
take your eye out.

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like giving tips out
at race days,

sometimes to middle-aged men,
to be honest.

I was not a really big sports fan
at school at all, because I come

from quite a big family,
and all my stuff was hand-me-downs.

So I'd be the only boy on the
sports field with a training bra.

So I know what you're talking about,
yeah.

Anyway, moving on.

When is it cool to wet your pants?

Is it when it's, like,
in a hot situation?

Obviously, we're going to be,
yes, somewhere hot.

Somewhere where your wee is cooler
than everything else around you.

OK. It's...

Or if you've had a really cold drink
and you get it out quick.

Is it to do with, um, jellyfish,
you know,

when you have to pee on a...

Because my daughter got stung by a
jellyfish in South Africa. Right.

And she was crying, really upset,
and so I pulled my tankini -

which is what older women wear
instead of a bikini -

I pulled it to the side to pee,
and the sight

of my pulled-to-the-side gusset
fully stopped her crying.

I would imagine.

It worked really well.

And she begged me
not to pee on the sting.

No. Is it to do...? No. Does she
still have dreams about this?

She does. We're working on it.
It's best. We're working it through.

I think we're all going to have
dreams about it, aren't we?

Is it in space?

It is not in space.

We're not doing people at all,

and "wet their pants" is more of
a...

What's another expression for pant?

An animal panting. Oh. An animal
panting. It is ostriches, in fact.

Ostriches have a phenomenal capacity
for water.

They can swallow up to ten litres
of water in one go.

And then what they do is,
they pant really quickly,

so that the air that they
bring into their bodies evaporates

the water, and it works exactly
the same way as us

evaporating sweat on our skin,
in order to keep us cool.

And they have to avoid
getting too much oxygen

into their bloodstream
while they do this, and so,

as they pant, their windpipe
redirects the air away

from the lungs. Essentially, they
pant without breathing.

Did you know this? They're the only
birds to have a bladder.

Birds do not wee,
because they'd be too heavy to be

carrying around a big bladder,
and so on.

But the flightless ostrich can
cope with the extra thing.

So there's a little takeaway
for you - birds don't wee.

Who knew that? Wow!

Any creature that's got an eye here

and an eye there that goes
that way, nah. Yes.

It's not right!

I really do think they're
quite creepy.

Would you like them more if they
could fly? Can you imagine that?

This thing in the sky, argh!

Ugh! Do you think they'd fly
with their necks up,

or would they just
put their necks forward?

Or their neck up,
looking behind them.

"WHOA!

"Whoa-h*! h*-h*-h*!"

I imagine they'd do that
all the time.

The first one that went up
would do that.

I'd like to have an ostrich, though,

because one scrambled ostrich egg is
the same as 25 chicken eggs,

so you'd only have to go and collect
the one. That would be...

And that would save you time,
because normally you have to make

25 chicken eggs in the morning.

I know. It's a nightmare.

The other thing about them is,
their legs go the wrong way.

So, when they're running,
if you show an ostrich running

and reverse the film,
it looks like a person.

It looks like Bernie Clifton.

There, you can see, right,
if you look at it,

it looks like it's running that way,
but its body is on backwards.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you get it,
are you seeing it now?!

So if it was running that way, you'd
think, "Yeah." "Yeah, fair enough."

Yeah. That's like,
that's Bernie Clifton, right.

But Bernie's got to get his...

If he'd had major surgery
in about 1972. Yeah.

Alan, it sounds like you've done
quite a lot of research on this.

I did, I shared a dressing room
with Bernie Clifton at the recent

Royal Variety Performance. Did you?

Did you? Oh. Me, Bernie Clifton
and the Chuckle Brothers.

I swear to God, it was... Talk about
knowing your place in showbiz.

I'll tell you what...
I'm 51 now, right...

I've been doing stand-up for
a very long time, nearly 30 years,

and I was such a junior person
in that room.

Aah. I was in heaven.

I like to think that they totally
ignored you for the whole time.

They had no idea who I was.

But you're right about the legs,

and look at the extraordinary feet
of the ostrich, they're amazing.

So the scientific name is
Struthio camelus,

so it's from the ancient Greek,
it literally means "camel sparrow".

And the Greeks considered it similar
to the camel because if you look

at the hooves of the ostrich and
you look at the hooves of the camel.

Hang on, what's what?
The ostrich is on the left?

The ostrich is on the left,
the camel on the right.

Look at those toes. That toenail,
that needs bringing in, doesn't it?!

He's getting through some socks
with that, isn't he?

Right, moving on.

What's the wrong way
to get out of a car?

Sunroof.

Yeah, that's not good, is it?

But let's all imagine
we're driving in the UK.

So let's all do driving.

Can I do MY driving, please?

Driving, we arrive...
I drive like this.

I'm going to park, brake... Yeah.
OK, brake now.

So you're in a right-hand drive.

Brake, yeah.
So now I want you to open the door.

Open the door. Yeah. You've done it
like that. What have you done?

Like that. So, none of that...

HOOTER

And if you never learn
anything else from this show,

learn this thing,
which I think is wonderful.

You should always do what is called
the Dutch Reach.

You have to open with the hand...
Exactly that.

Furthest from the
door.

And it makes you automatically
look over your shoulder.

It's to spot, particularly,
oncoming cyclists.

So, in the Netherlands it is
required

as part of the driving test,

and it prevents what's called
"dooring", which is basically

just hitting a cyclist
with your car door.

Do you not think
it's the simplest...

It's brilliant, it's brilliant.

But it suggests that when people get
out of their car this way,

that they just go...
And they do. They do.

So, out of the car
and into the closet.

What's the most exciting thing
you can do in a cupboard that

begins with O?

Orlando Bloom.

APPLAUSE

I organise my pants.

Organising is a good one, yes.
Organising, yeah, I enjoy that.

Yeah. Do you organise your pants,
Josh? Not my pants, but you know.

What? What would you organise?

Well, just like a soiree.

Are you saying you put
your pants in a cupboard?

Well, you can do, darling,
it's not that weird.

No, I thought a cupboard was like,
you know, in the kitchen.

So, it's a new thing, you sometimes
have cupboards in bedrooms. Yeah.

It's never going to take off,
you're absolutely right.

Because my girlfriend,
who I live with, has got too many...

She's in a cupboard?

Oh, I understand that,
I spent years in the closet.

I totally understand that.

APPLAUSE

When you say... exciting,
do you mean...?

Yes, something exciting, yes.
Like physically...

Unbelievably physically exciting.
So orgasming in a cupboard.

It is an orgasm in a cupboard,
but it's a very specific one.

So... Oh, not that Woody Allen film,
the Orgasmatron.

It is exactly this sort of thing.

So, in 1940 there was an Austrian
psychologist called

Wilhelm Reich, and he started
building... There he is.

Doesn't look bonkers at all.
Ooh, look at him.

He's got Chris Packham's haircut.

He wanted to harness the power
of a force that he called "orgone" -

an amalgam of orgasm and ozone. And
he said other people call it God.

He believed it was all around us,
that it was what made the sky blue,

for instance. So, the idea was that
you had one of these compartments,

you climbed naked into his special
cupboard - this

is for illustration purposes only,
but ideally she should be naked.

No way. And you absorbed the
concentrated orgone within it,

to reach
a state of sexual satisfaction.

And that could cure anything from,
I don't know, cancer to blisters.

It was really, it was a full-range
thing. So...

But are the people in that box,
are they volunteers or hostages?

No, people wanted to do this.
It was hugely popular. Oh, OK.

What year was, when was this?
So, 1940.

He believed that sexual repression
was responsible for almost

all physical and psychological
and emotional problems, and so on.

I think that's fair. He was
a slightly strange fellow. So...

No sh*t! Yeah.

Does it clean itself,
like one of those toilets?

GROANING
Well, none of it's...
"I've finished!"

It was very, very popular, lots of
celebrities owned these cupboards.

JD Salinger, Norman Mailer,
Sean Connery had one.

AS SEAN CONNERY: "Sure,
let's go into the cupboard."

The vibrator was developed by
Victorian doctors, you'll know this.

Yeah, I do. It was, wasn't it
to stop women being hysterical?

You're absolutely right.

So it's widely believed that
it was very damaging to women

if they didn't orgasm enough. Yeah.
And I think that's entirely true.

They had steam-operated vibrators,
the first ones.

Yes. So I'm just wondering why,

he's a bit late to the party
with this cumbersome vibrator.

Well, this doesn't actually touch
your pudenda in any way.

But how's it...? It's this thing
called orgone,

which he believed was in the ether

and that it would accumulate
within the cupboard,

and this would make you feel...
Oh, so that's a mask?

No, it's just to go into the
cupboard, it's an orgone sh**ter.

I can't... I'm trying to make it
more sensible than it really is.

Right. Does it work?

No. The US courts formally declared
that orgone doesn't exist

and all of the cupboards
were ordered to be destroyed,

all of the literature,
and in fact...

Destroyed? You could just convert it
into a pant cupboard, couldn't you?

Yeah, you could have done.

Reich was imprisoned for not
complying with the ban,

and so he actually ended up
dying in prison.

But you're absolutely right,
this whole thing about orgasm,

Victorian doctors, it was not
uncommon, women with hysteria,

that they needed to get rid,
they thought it was anxiety,

irritability, bloated stomach, any
of these things could be got rid of.

And the prescription was
to have a pelvic massage.

And it was a routine part
of doctors' work.

LAUGHTER

That's a water jet, is it?

It looks like one of those
Olympic sports.

And now...

35 feet. Personal best.

Only 35 feet, Alan?

I think I can do better than that.

OK, moving on.

Now, what definitely won't happen
to you when you sneeze?

You won't have a 16th
of an orgasm.

Isn't it a tenth?
Is it a tenth?

But that might be inflation,
I don't know.

Is there a, is there a little thrill
to be had from sneezing?

Apparently, well,
that was the myth,

that if you sneezed, you'd go...
HE SIGHS

But you can't physically sneeze with
your eyes open, isn't that right?

Yeah, well, we did say that sneezing
with your eyes open can't

make them pop out, but in fact,
that is not entirely correct.

If you have something called
floppy eyelid syndrome,

a sneeze can in fact force
your eyeball out of your socket.

And we're all going to have a go!

So, like this.

So, it would be like that,
and then you... Atchoo!

And out they pop.
So that's so you can see.

Atchoo!

So there's a technical name for it.

So if your eyeball actually
pops out, spontaneous...

ATCHOO!

GROANING

Spontaneous globe luxation
is what it's called.

So, mostly obese men get this
syndrome where your eyelid

can pop out. So the upper eyelid
becomes very floppy

and it's easily turned inside-out.

What would the medical advice be
if your eyeball popped out?

Oh... Pop it back. Put it on ice.

Get it back in
as quickly as possible, yeah.

No, don't put it on ice, darling,
it's still attached, most likely.

If it's still attached,

look round corners that you couldn't
previously look round.

That's a good idea. Yeah.

Keeping an eye on you.

I think the main advice is to get a
medical person to do it, don't you?

And apparently they use a tool that
looks a bit like a bent paperclip,

which I think would be...

GROANING
Yes.

There was an American
basketball player

called Akil Mitchell, in early 2017.

No! He got poked in the eye during
a game, he fell to the ground,

he was clutching his face.

And he described afterwards that he
knew something was wrong because he

could feel his eyeball on his cheek,
and could still see out of it.

GROANING

Oh, my God!

And they popped it back in all
right?

They popped it back,
he's absolutely fine now.

Can you just do it with your finger?
Do you need the paperclip thing?

No, my advice is to...
If it happens.

Honestly,
this is a moment for a doctor.

If you have a child and one of their
eyeballs fall out, don't go,

"Darling, stop fussing," and...

There. I don't think that's...

Now, who would like to see a
seriously eye-popping demonstration?

As long as no-one's
eye is coming out.

I don't like this whole area.

No, it's not that.
So, what we're going to do...

If you get out a hoover now...
Have a look at this.

So, let me just put this here.

And hopefully I'm going to get this
the right way round.

Then I have... Is that a
steam-powered vibrator, Sandi? No?

No, it's adapted. OK.

So we can see that we have got
a mirror here,

and if you look at this one,
you can see squares,

and if you look in the mirror,
you can see circles.

And if I take this one
and I turn it, you can

see a square up here
and a circle down here.

And if I then carry on turning it,

and we keep going round like this,
you will see that this one at the

bottom will turn into a square

and that one will turn into a
circle. Witchcraft!

It is. I'm going to move that out
the way, so I can get my hand in.

You can see the square, and
you can see the circles in there.

And as I turn,
and I keep turning it like this,

you'll see it change and the one
in the mirror becomes the square,

and this one here becomes the
circles. Oh, I don't like this.

Ooh! And the same with this one
here, as I turn it... It is

faintly astonishing, isn't it,
you can see it becoming the circles.

Oh, wow! And then the squares.
That's amazing.

What's happening?! I know! It is
called

the Ambiguous Cylinder Illusion.
It is designed by a man...

Catchy name. Yeah.
It is a catchy name.

Designed by a man called
Dr Sugihara Kokichi.

And from one angle, the shapes look
circular,

while in the other angle they look
like cuboids. And in fact,

they are a cross between the
two.

Squircles, or rather, squircle
prisms.

And if you want to make this
at home, you absolutely can.

Just look up "Ambiguous Cylinder
Illusion cut-out"

and there's a template
for a paper version.

So you can work out how to do it.
So I'm just going to put that one

away. That's amazing. It IS amazing.

Do give it a go, because I think
it's really extraordinary.

And the fact that our brains
are flawed in this way is what

distinguishes us from robots.

Robots won't be fooled
by optical illusions,

only human beings are fooled
by optical illusions.

There's a very famous thing called
the Adelson chequerboard illusion.

And if you look at it, you would
imagine that there are light

squares and there are dark squares.

But in fact, what's happened is,

the green cylinder there
has cast a shadow.

And what happens is,
our eyes correct.

What is the truth of that is A and B
are exactly the same colour.

So if you see... No!

If we join them together,
so just those squares,

but because we have understood

there's a shadow from the
green cylinder,

we have, in our minds,
made B a lighter colour.

But actually, A and B
are exactly the same colour.

And... Oh, is this how the robots
are going to finally defeat us?

Well, this is certainly... They'll
chase us into a Escher painting.

Yes! But it's how computers may
eventually be able to distinguish

a bot from a person, because
you could give a test like this.

If you get the answer wrong,
then you're human.

Because, even though I've told you
A and B are the same colour,

when you look back
to the one on the left,

you believe that they
are different colours.

Yeah. I still don't believe you.

Now, what's a little bit orange
and very over-sensitive?

Donald Trump.

HOOTER, APPLAUSE

Someone had to say it, didn't they?!
Cally, I might be looking at you.

Something to do with being ginger.
It is to do with being red-headed.

So are there any particular
characteristics that are

more associated with redheads
than...? Fiery. Fiery.

They're fiery, aren't they?
We're very attractive.

Very, very attractive. The fact is,
multiple studies have shown

that redheads are more sensitive
to pain than the rest of us.

So, unfortunately, you are more
susceptible to pain. Do you know,

I think there are studies that
say the opposite. I'm just saying,

I've also seen studies that say
we've got a higher pain threshold.

Well, they worked out that,
typically,

20% more anaesthetic is needed
by a redhead.

And the way they work this out,
researchers administered

electric shocks to redheads,
while giving them

increasing amounts of painkiller
until they stopped feeling pain.

And the reason is that having
red hair is usually

caused by a mutation on a gene
called MC1R.

And that is also
involved in pain modulation.

And it explains why redheads are
twice as likely to avoid

going to the dentist as the rest of
us. Because you feel more pain.

I don't believe any of this. I don't
want to cry in the face of QI,

but, no, I don't believe it.

Fair enough. Where do you think the
most common red-hair gene

first appeared in the world?
Where does it come from?

Scotland. Ireland.

HOOTER

I think...

It's got to be Scotland.

Scandinavia. No, it isn't - it's
Asia, in fact. It's Central Asia.

But it's very common in various
parts of the UK. Why do you think
that might be?

Surely it's the lack of sun.
Yeah, it's got to be the climate.

In places like Scotland.

I mean, look at our Scottish
cousins, but their skin isn't just

sheet-white from the lack of sun,
but their hair has turned red,

as it attempts to start
its own fire for warmth.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Is it about people desperately
wanting to procreate

with other ginger people,
because we're so deeply attractive?

STEPHEN ROARS WITH LAUGHTER
It's, the fact is...

Sorry. The fact is,
it's a recessive gene,

so it excels in relatively closed
communities, I'm afraid.

Ooh. It requires a level
of inbreeding. That's the truth.

My friend, she's got red hair

and she went on holiday to the
Philippines, and people were

getting, stopping her in the street
to have their photo taken with her.

Because they just love... They just
couldn't believe that she existed.

Like she was a celebrity.

I was in mainland China
for the first time ever, doing gigs,

and I could not tell you
how many people stopped me

in the street, asking
to take a selfie with me, right.

I mean, it was as though they'd
never ever seen a tall person
before.

So, can you imagine
if I was ginger as well?

They'd be carrying me
out of the building!

Obviously I don't speak Mandarin
or Cantonese, I'm in a packed lift

in China, all these people -
I'm not even joking -

the only phrase I could decipher
was this...

"..pube-head."

You absolutely need to put that
on your posters.

I think that should be...

Now for the oddly shambolic
omnishambles that we call

General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.
What did the Nazis call this?

Um... Aaah...

Aah. Who's going to go for it?

Stephen?

The future.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Not... I'm told
they didn't call it a swastika.

They did not call it the swastika.

They called it the Hakenkreuz.
It's the German for "hooked cross",

and in Germany, in fact, it's still
referred to, except when discussing

it in a neo-n*zi context, in which
case, it's called the swastika.

But Hitler was mad for it.

And after his party adopted
the swastika, he actually

changed his signature to S Hitler,

because the shape of the S
mimicked...

There, you can see there, it
mimicked the shape of the swastika.

Sadolf. Yes, Sadolf.

Sadolf Shitler.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Anyway, who was the last monarch
to be crowned

at the abbey in Westminster?

Has there been one since the Queen?

HOOTER

That's wrong, then, is it?
So it's not her. Not her.

So it's not her.
Oh, was it Queen Latifah?

Here is the thing,
it's not actually an abbey.

And that is what makes it
a trick question.

So Henry VIII is the answer,

because since his dissolution
of the monasteries, it is

no longer technically an abbey,
so if it's not an abbey, it's a...?

Church.
It's called a Royal Peculiar.

A Royal Peculiar.
It's called a Royal Peculiar.

So it's a church subject to the
direct jurisdiction of the monarch.

And that is what it is today.

It's the Collegiate Church
of St Peter at Westminster.

How many species of camel are there?

Two.

HOOTER

More than that...?
More than that. Yes.

We used to think it was two,
so Carl Linnaeus,

he named the dromedaries and the
domestic Bactrians, back in 1758.

120 years later,
the Russian geographer

Nikolay Przhevalsky,
discovered wild Bactrians.

So the truth is that there
are actually three of them.

They used to think wild
Bactrians were

a subspecies of the Bactrians, but
we now know from recent DNA analysis

they're a totally different species.

Beautiful, aren't they? Aren't they
stunning? I think they ARE stunning!

Who was it said a camel is a horse
designed by committee?

Have you been on a camel ride?

I have. It's glorious.

I have been on a camel ride.
It doesn't go well.

Oh.

I did a... I did a magic show once,
where I was asked

to "magically" appear on a camel.

And you know my feelings
of beasts like this.

Hmm. Why did you point at me
when you said that?

Don't, she's very sensitive to pain!

And it was one
of those one-hump ones.

I'm not sure - what's the big
difference

between the two humps
and the one hump?

It's the number of humps.
Is that it?

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

OK, so I was on the one
with the one hump. Right.

And they put this sort of square
seat on the hump. Yeah.

I'm like, "How am I
going to get on the hump?" Yeah.

And I had to have a man...
and give me one of those, like...

But you get a ladder.
They don't like it. No.

They don't want you on their backs!
And they turn around and look at you

with their faces, like...

It's too much.

There's a couple of them
in London Zoo

and they're great big things,
and they look at you with contempt.

You know, "What, are you back
again?" "I'm a member, all right?!

"I've got a family membership.

"So why don't you just, for once,
just change your whole attitude?"

"I don't like you.
I don't like you."

There are three species of camel,

but sadly, the third doesn't
have three humps.

Which brings us to the scores.

This week's winner,

with minus 12, it's Josh.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

In second place,
with a magnificent debut,

minus 14, Cally.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Third place, minus 18,

Stephen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And, with a truly marvellous
minus 69, Alan.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So Josh takes home this week's
objectionable object prize,

which is this hilarious
comedy eyeball.

There you go, there you go,
fantastic.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, it's thanks to
Cally, Josh, Stephen and Alan,

and I leave you with this
advice from La Code Gourmand,

a book of etiquette written in 1828.

"When you are seated next to a lady,

"you should be only polite
during the first course.

"You may be gallant in the second,

"but you must not be tender
till the dessert.

"When you have the misfortune
to sit next to a child,

"your only plan is to make him drunk
as soon as possible."

Goodnight.