[inserting a tape]
- Why do you think you're
ready to transcend?
- Why?
Because I've listened to
every word you've said.
I've studied the scripts
that you have wrote.
I've listened to every speech.
I've-- I've cataloged
every moment.
I don't think there's a way
that I'm not ready to transcend.
- I hunger for the next realm.
I can't wait.
- I mean, because it sounds
f*cking sick, honestly.
- This tree that
we're on is burning
and it's telling us to get off.
It's too hot.
It's full of pain.
- In my heart, I know that
we're meant to be so much more.
- I had a family before, and
I left them to come with you.
- Because of your teachings,
I convinced a Chinese lady
with dementia I was her son.
I don't even know
how it happened,
but just kind of
channeling you--
and I got like $13,000 out
of her before she realized I
didn't actually know
how to speak Mandarin.
I was just kind of
doing the sounds.
- Any final thoughts?
- Just thank you.
- I feel too lucky to
have met this family.
- Me and you f*cking
getting slurped up.
God's watching.
Buddha will probably be there.
- Let's all try to get along.
- Marilyn Monroe.
Oh.
You're getting it from the back.
Oh.
You know what I'm saying?
- Even if there's one person
that we may not like--
- Maybe Marlon Brando.
You ever see him
when he was young?
Piece of a*s.
And in heaven, being
g*y is not bad.
It's actually cool.
- Let's welcome
him into our fold.
- I can't wait to spend
forever with you, dawg.
It's going to be awesome,
me and you forever.
- Forever.
- Worms, that's all we are--
wasting our days writhing
in the mud, bound to vessels
that suffocate our potential.
But for this family, for those
who know the truth, today
we reject our earthly
bondage and embrace
our rightful destiny.
Today we grow legs, sprout
wings, and open eyes
that see for the first time.
Today we return to Jalanzana.
- To Jalanzana.
Xana.
- Hey, dude, check it out.
- What?
- Look down, dude.
Look.
[laughs]
f*ck you.
- You're disgusting.
- Do we have a rag I
could wipe this with?
Or honestly, a whole new cup
would be a lot better, actually.
- No.
Just drink it.
- Kathleen just rubbed her whole
mouth on it right before me.
- So what?
- So what?
So I'm clean as a whistle.
I'm not trying to
get herpes all over
my thinking ba*ls 'cause you
rubbed your dirty a*s lips all
over the f*cking thing.
- Chip.
- Fine.
[chokes]
[coughs]
- All right, that's it.
We're done.
[claps]
- What?
Come on.
It was just a practice run.
Who cares?
- Punishment barn.
- I've been in the
punishment barn all month.
f*ck you, Kathleen.
[upbeat music playing]
[rooster crowing]
Shut your mouth.
[rooster crowing]
- Stupid raccoons ate all my
kettle corns and on-the-go
desserts.
What's up?
How are we doing.
What's up, Gabe?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- [laughs]
f*ck you, dude.
I'm just f*cking around.
Can I get some coffee or what?
- Morning family.
- Morning.
- William.
- Good morning.
- Thank you.
- William-- hello and
good morning, Will.
I was just wondering-- and you
know how I hate bringing stuff
up over and over again, so I'm
hoping we can just settle this
right now--
I was just wondering if I could
have a g*n or a long sword,
like longer than what I got now.
Because the setup now, dude,
is not snagging these raccoons
and they are running buck
wild on my various oats
and approved crackers.
- What's the question?
- May I have a g*n?
- No.
- OK.
Agenda B, is it possible to
get the generator in the mix?
Because it might not
feel like it indoors,
but when you're
sleeping outside,
it gets pretty cold at night.
And I would love to just
plug in the space heater.
- Are we hearing this?
Somebody seems to
forget, after tonight,
he's going to be kept plenty
warm by the Celestial Bosom.
[laughter]
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm f*cking stupid.
It's going to be
awesome, the Bosom,
and I'm jacked for that sh*t.
So rescinded.
Request rescinded.
- Everybody gather around.
So today is obviously a joyous
day, and we have so much to do.
But it is Tuesday, so
you know what that means.
It's--
- Ice cream Tuesday!
[laughter]
- I thought that it couldn't
possibly be Ice Cream Tuesday,
but it is Ice Cream Tuesday.
[chatter]
- All right.
[spinning]
[cheering]
- Oh, f*ck.
[chatter]
- All right, well, Elizabeth and
I are going to get ready to go
to town and when we get back,
I'm trusting all of you to have
everything ready for our
special night, mm-kay?
- Mm-kay.
[upbeat music]
[laughs]
- Guys.
Guys.
- What a meal.
Gabriel and Jefferson, that's
got to be in your top 10 stews.
And a little birdie told
me there might be a cake.
[laughs]
- Yeah, but I mean, the
stew was so rich and good.
I mean, cake on top of that?
A little over the top, right?
- No, I don't think so.
Time for cake.
- Yeah.
No, I know, but I'm
just saying, like, we
got the whole we're transcending
and we got the whole ceremony.
Who wants to be, like,
bloated for that?
- Jefferson, would you mind
going and getting the cake?
- It would be my honor.
- Yeah, he should--
he should get the cake.
That's right.
- The only thing better
than a stew and a Cola
is a stew and a
Cola and some cake.
[laughter]
- That's so true.
He just-- yeah, that's good.
Huh.
Well, personally, I would have
made the cake a little bigger
myself, but it is a
beautiful message, guys.
Whee.
Right?
We're on a roller coaster.
This life of ours, huh?
- Chip, did you eat the cake?
- For the last time, no.
- Outside.
Now.
- I wasn't even
that much of f*ck.
I did a little bit.
- Clearly, punishments
don't work.
So instead of punishing you,
I'm going to empower you.
I had a task I had planned
to entrust to Jefferson,
but obviously, now he
has to bake a new cake.
- Yeah.
Whatever it is, I'll do it.
- I just need you
to mail an envelope.
- Are we sending a
b*mb to City Hall?
- No, it's our tape that
we're sending to News Line
to Georgeanne Jennings, to show
the world what we've done here.
- Yes, that's a beautiful
plan, and I will execute it
to perfection for you.
- It's already
stamped and addressed.
All you have to do is
put it in the mailbox
outside the Snack-And-Go.
- Can I get a Mr. Slush?
- Once the envelope
is in the mailbox,
you may get a Mr. slush.
- Yes.
Thank you, William.
Thank you so much.
I will not squander
this opportunity.
- I love crackers.
- It would have been nice.
[music playing]
- Would you guys like to
join me in the basement?
I'd love to run
something by you.
- f*ck.
Look Goddamit.
Guys, bad news.
Somebody tried to jump me.
I fought him off,
obviously, but he
did pour his slush
all over the envelope.
We are going to need a new one.
Hello?
Where is everybody?
- Chip!
Oh my gosh, Chip.
My Chippy is home.
- My brother.
- Oh, my big baby.
Oh.
- Hey.
How are you?
My son's home.
Look at you.
What the hell happened to you?
[music playing]
- Stop jerking off,
it's time to go to work.
- You want me all backed up
in the workplace, dumb a*s?
- You need to learn
to c*m faster.
- All due respect, Ma, how about
a f*cking pancake every once
in a while?
- Pancakes didn't get
your father, brother,
and me losing over
300 pounds combined.
Doesn't that motivate
you, make you
want to make that
number 600, maybe 700?
- 700?
How f*cking fat
do you think I am?
How am I supposed to perform
at work if I'm operating
in a caloric deficit all day?
- Ha, you mean clock in and
play Minesweep for eight hours?
Is that what you're
talking about, work?
- Take a look around you, Chip.
Look at this beautiful home.
Look at the clothes
on your back.
- The certified pre-owned
Ford Taurus in the driveway.
- You think your father could
have given us all that if he'd
been playing computer all day?
- The answer is no.
It took determination
and the ability
to sell the sh*t
out of some gravel.
Your brother gets it.
- It's more than
just piles of rocks.
- Chip, I'm sick of
the excuses, kid.
You either make a sale
today or you start
looking elsewhere for work.
- Elsewhere for work?
How?
I have no other skills.
- Maybe you shouldn't
have spent five years
being a sumo wrestler in China.
- For the last time,
Mom, I was training
to be a karate
champion in Tokyo,
but the day before
the big championship,
my sensei betrayed me and stole
my beautiful girlfriend, Akiko.
I was too heartbroken to
fight, and that's why I lost.
Doesn't anybody f*cking
listen to me in this house?
- Enough!
Make a sale today
or you're fired.
[music playing]
- Hi, this is Chip Harper
from Harper & Son Gravel.
Now, it's your
lucky day because we
have some incredible new deals
on some fresh, hot rocks.
[phone hanging up]
Well, I don't know.
Would you consider
sharing information
with a friend a threat?
[dial tone]
So you're saying you've
never had us out there
for gravel maintenance?
Your driveway must
look like f*cking sh*t.
You know, people are talking.
They're saying, if that's
what the outside looks like,
imagine how f*cked
up it is inside.
Yeah, your driveway is so
f*cked up, an officer of the law
believes you got junkies in
there sh**ting up, sucking,
and f*cking all
over your carpets.
I need you to go into
your mommy's purse,
take out her credit card,
and then just really slowly
read me every number.
- It's 5 o'clock, idiot.
You're fired.
You're fired.
[laughs]
- What the f*ck?
I was going to close that.
Saboteur.
Serpent.
- Fired!
- I'm going to f*cking
k*ll you, Cody.
- The disgraced
zoologist was eventually
cleared of any inappropriate
conduct with the chimpanzee.
For News Line, I'm
Georgeanne Jennings.
- What the f*ck even is
this little round rice?
- It's called "quin-yo-oa,"
and it is an ancient grain from
the jungles of Peru.
The people who grew it
have never even seen
civilization before.
- Our top story tonight,
a Grizzly discovery
in an upstate cabin, as the
decomposed remains of five
individuals have been found.
The result of an
apparent mass suicide.
A group of local teens
made the gruesome discovery
after breaking into
the abandoned cabin,
possibly to explore
one another's bodies.
Authorities speculate that
this was a doomsday cult
and have released this
photo found at the scene.
Police asked for any information
regarding the red-haired man
in the center.
Police are also searching for
a potential seventh member
of the cult as a mysterious
obese hand can be seen
at the very edge of the photo.
- These bozos.
- What a bunch of dopes.
- That's probably for the best.
- If I dressed like that,
I'd k*ll myself, too.
[laughter]
- Yeah, that guy in the
middle needs to cut that hair.
- Pumpkin-headed b*tch.
- I bet they're all
banging each other.
[laughter]
- I'm sure nobody else wants to.
[laughter]
- You know what?
Five less freaks walking
around, if you ask me.
What do you think, Chip?
Chip?
Chip?
- [screams]
William, you f*cking
piece of sh*t.
I'm coming to get
you, m*therf*cker.
[horn honking]
You seen this guy?
Nothing.
Seen this person?
Don't look at me like that.
sh*t.
- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.
I thought you were this
guy that ruined my life.
- Well, obviously I'm not.
Jesus.
- OK, relax.
You're really
milking this, lady.
Hey, where'd you get that?
- It's none of your
business, you sh*t a*s.
God.
- Hey.
Hi, there.
- Yeah, hi.
Listen, you ever see
this piece of sh*t?
- Yeah, I wish.
I'd love to see a
cartoon in real life.
- No, it's a real guy.
- You know, he looks like
one of our old regulars.
Yeah, bad guy.
I don't think I
can prove it, but I
think he stole our
birthday prize wheel.
Yeah, I haven't seen
them in months, though.
- sh*t.
- You know what?
I wouldn't be surprised
if he was mixed up
in that cult stuff in the news.
Why do you ask?
Are you a policeman?
- Yeah, I'm undercover, FBI.
Listen, you happen to remember
this freak's favorite flavor?
- Oh, sure.
Yeah strawberry?
I prefer vanilla
myself, you know.
- Pal, listen, with
all due respect,
I don't need your life story.
I'm on an investigation, OK?
So what I need you
to do right now,
give me two scoops of
strawberry in the cone
with sprinkles on the house.
I got to get in the
mind of this freak.
- Can you help me
scoop the ice cream?
[radio playing]
- What?
Get the f*ck out of here.
- (CLOWN VOICE) Oh, balloons
for birthday parties.
[grunts]
[girl screams]
[whimpering]
- You f*cking b*stard.
You f*cking piece of sh*t.
I'll k*ll you.
I'll f*cking k*ll you.
Eat your f*cking nose.
[coughs]
How could you cut me out?
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm Silly Billy.
- Oh, you're Silly Billy, huh?
Well, I was looking
for my old pal William,
but I guess I'm going to
have to k*ll a f*cking clown.
- It's me, William.
It's William.
- Is it?
- Yes, it is.
[crying]
- Why aren't you dead?
Why aren't I dead, either?
- I can talk.
I just need you to get off me.
- I'm not going anywhere until
you tell me what happened.
You were dead lying
with the rest of them.
- The universe had
another plan for me.
- f*ck this.
I'm going to the cops.
[grunts]
- I did die, Chip, but I
was sent back to get you.
- To get me?
Why the f*ck didn't you
just take me with you
in the first place?
- Believe me, I wanted
to, but the others
insisted we transcend
without you.
I was overruled.
- Bullshit.
- And I think, because
they had so much hatred
in their hearts for
you, that they didn't
return to Jalanzana at all.
They went to Golgomorth.
And because I had nothing
but love in my heart for you,
I was spared.
- No, f*ck that.
You're f*cking lying.
- Didn't you see me there,
dead, with your own eyes?
- Yeah.
- Why else would I be
back from the dead?
I'm not a magician.
- I don't know.
Maybe you had some,
like, unfinished business
or something.
- Right.
Maybe you had to fix the biggest
f*ck up of your whole life.
- Exactly.
- You couldn't
transcend without me.
We need each other.
- That's right.
We need each other.
- We have to start a new family.
- What's that?
- You said it yourself, the
last one was full of snakes.
They betrayed both of us.
You weren't meant
to die with them
and I wasn't meant to
sell f*cking gravel.
They sent you back for me.
We get another
crack at this, dude.
We're going to do
it right this time.
With your knowledge and my
power, we're unstoppable, right?
That's what you're
saying, right?
- More or less.
- And we're actually going
to transcend this time
because we'll both be
leaders, co-leaders.
- Well--
- Or you could go
to f*cking jail.
[laughs]
Why are you a clown, dude?
- Well, think about it.
I've been living in
the woods for a while.
Eventually, I ran out of food.
I have to go out,
so I figured nobody
can tell who I am in this.
So I go out.
I get work.
I get money.
I get food.
I go back to the woods.
Kind of an ideal situation,
given the circumstances.
But now the heat's
probably off a little bit,
I'm kind of looking
forward to starting over.
Dating?
Who knows?
- Dating?
Dude, they found the
bodies yesterday.
No, they didn't.
They found the bodies months
ago because once News Line got
the tape, the police would
have went to the house.
- See, the thing about
the tape, actually,
is due to circumstances that
were not under my control,
I wasn't able to mail the tape.
- You didn't mail the tape?
So where is it?
- Well, think about me.
You sent me out on
this important mission
and it gets f*cked up.
Not my fault. So
I'm running back
to make sure everything
goes according to your plan.
And how am I rewarded?
So I'm pissed off.
And I build a fire and
I take off all my stuff
from the family.
I take off my uniform.
I throw that in
there, my sandals.
- So you burned the tape?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I burned it.
I burned it.
I burned the tape.
- You saved my
life, you know that?
- Really?
- Yeah.
If they had that tape, I'd
be in prison right now.
- Holy sh*t.
This is really meant
to be, isn't it?
- It is.
Hey, I got something
I got to do,
so I'll be right back
in just a few hours, OK?
- No way, dude.
From now on we're going
everywhere together.
We're going to be, like,
that type of twin that's
like, two guys mashed into each
other, sharing armpits and sh*t.
That's going to be us.
[doorbell ring]
[children playing]
- I hear it's
somebody's birthday.
[silly laughter]
Well, kids, my name
is Silly Billy,
and this is my
partner, Pancakes.
But pancakes is not allowed
to speak because pancakes
is in training.
[silly laughter]
- So how did you
find these guys?
- Well, we had a
Power Ranger bot,
but apparently,
his house exploded.
And the skinny one
there, he's always
giving me balloons in the
park so I felt bad for him.
[pop]
- Hey, cakes fell off the horse.
I have to give him CPR.
[silly laughter]
- I got to piss.
- All right.
[silly laugh]
- It's going to happen.
[fart]
[silly laughter]
- Actually, Pancakes needs
to go inside right now and do
something else.
So he'll do that and we'll
see what we got in here.
[toilet flushing]
I need to get in shape.
I guess I'll jump rope.
[snap]
Oh, sorry about that.
[rock music playing]
- What exactly are you up
to down here, young man?
- Let's blow one up, huh?
- Oh.
Dude, I know, homework
f*cking sucks, dude.
[silly laughter]
I wonder where pancakes is.
Where's pancakes?
[knocking]
Better hurry up and
get back up here
and come back
upstairs right now.
Look at the hot dog.
- Now, you see, a lot
of people think that,
but the fighting is actually
the easy part of "ka-ra-tay."
What's hard is the
iron lung discipline.
See, not a lot of people
got the kind of discipline
I did, but I think you
got it in you, kid.
- Thanks, Pancakes.
- Mister!
- Take it easy, lady, I'm high.
- You're moving so slow.
[grunts]
- What's happening?
- This woman thinks I'm
trying to f*ck her son.
- I never said that.
- Good, 'cause I wasn't.
- OK, you perverts need
to get the hell out.
Now!
- We are so sorry, ma'am.
We will just take our payment
and be out of your hair.
- Payment?
This lunatic gave
drugs to my son.
- Hey, he smoked me out.
[upbeat music]
Are you mad at me?
- Yeah, I am.
- I guess we really
needed that 80 bucks, huh?
- Yeah, we did.
That was kind of
the whole point.
- I guess we should
probably just give up?
- Yeah, I think that's the play.
- Yeah, maybe it is.
Or maybe it f*cking
isn't, you f*cking dummy.
Look at this sh*t, huh?
There's 200 bones in here.
Serves that lady right,
leaving her purse
unattended in her own home.
Hey, and that's not it.
Huh?
That's real gold.
We came up with, like, 600
bucks just now, William.
Cheer up, you little f*ck.
[laughs]
- Hey, if you're
going to do stuff
like that, though, you
got to run it by me, OK?
- OK.
We're co-leaders now.
You deserve-- you know, I should
never go rogue ever again.
Co-leaders always
align, and from now on I
will run everything by you.
Starting now.
What do we do next, co-leader?
- OK, I have a place we can go,
but we cannot show up like this.
I could use a shower, too.
- Yeah, dude, you're
right about that.
I didn't to say
anything, but you
smell like an armpit took
a sh*t in a lady's p*ssy.
You smelly stinky.
I cannot wait to
get some followers.
I think we need like
10 or 15 to start.
- We can start with one and
we'll see how that goes.
- Whoa, that guy looks strong.
- Yeah, but he's not
what we're looking for.
- OK?
Oh, that guy looks
strong and cool.
- Not our guy.
- Who exactly are we
looking for here, man?
- Someone with a certain energy.
That's our guy.
- 13.
- Wow, look at you go.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
Sorry about that.
- Oh, gosh, the Army sure
is lucky to have you.
- Yeah, well, they
actually decided
to go in a different
direction today.
- Oh, no.
Why is that?
- They said I have something
called celery bones, which
is like where the bone is a
horseshoe style dead around.
So I can't do it.
- Somebody as strong as you?
And you even have the outfit.
- They say dress for
the job you want, right?
They don't say how to dress
when you don't get it.
- About how old are you?
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'm Tyler.
I'm 25.
It's nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you, too.
- Yeah.
- That's a great
name, by the way.
Tyler, I got to tell
you, if I was the Army,
I'd make you a
five-star general.
- I appreciate that, sir, but
you are not the real Army,
and they don't want me.
- Yeah, well, I do.
I agree with William.
I would make you like
an eight-star general.
He's William, by the way.
- I'm sorry, I didn't
catch your name.
- I'm Chip.
- Well, William and Chimp,
it was nice to meet you guys.
- Chip.
- Well, it was nice to meet
you guys, but I don't know.
I just have to go figure
out what I'm going
to do with the rest of my life.
So adios, I guess.
- Maybe we could
help you with that.
Do you like bowling?
[music playing]
- Yes, I do.
[pins falling]
- The ba*ls are
f*cked here, dude.
- So you guys are like a family?
- We're not like a family.
We are a family.
Except we don't have
the petty squabbles
a family has because
we've chosen one another.
- That's right.
No as*h*le brothers
barging on your privacy,
dad threatening to fire you.
- No Uncle Aaron stuffing
you in a sleeping bag,
not letting your a*s
out, swinging you around
like a sack of wet meat.
And you're like,
screaming, like [screams].
Help me.
Let me out.
And yet he doesn't let you out
and you nearly sweat to death.
- Right.
None of that sh*t, no.
And we'll f*ck your
uncle up if you want.
- Oh, he was in chronic pain.
He ended it.
- Oh, well, if he was
alive, we'd f*ck him up.
Even if he was, like, old
as sh*t or in a wheelchair
or had one of those
f*cked up little hands.
- That's true.
We would.
- Really?
Appreciate that, guys.
Gosh.
- Dude, you're going to
learn so much from us.
It might be hard
for you to imagine,
but I wasn't always
this good at leadership.
William taught me.
And together, we're
both going to teach you.
- That's right.
- Cool.
- We should hit the
road, but maybe you
want to pick up a
change of clothes?
Perhaps anything else
of value you might own.
It's a beautiful thing.
We share it all.
- I'm kind of in, like, a
transitional phase right now,
but I might have a couple
things back in my place.
I got to say, I'm not
really finding much here.
- Dude, speak for yourself.
Look at this thing, huh?
This will come in
handy the next time
we need to send a
tape to the news, huh?
- Hey, Tyler, I had a
question about this.
Is this gold?
Is this made of gold, or--
- Oh, chill.
Chill.
That's actually not
mine to give away.
- Whose is it?
[chatter]
- No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
You said you were
joining the Army,
or going to Vietnam or whatever.
You can't be in here with
a bunch of homeless people.
- You play with my
mind too much, baby.
She's playing, guys.
She's just kidding.
William, Chip, this is my
beautiful fianc, Meredith.
- You can't call someone
your fianc if they say no.
- Hey, guys.
My name is Bo.
I hope I'm not intruding.
Meredith and I just had
a lovely steak dinner.
However, despite the
food being delicious,
it could not even hold a
candle to the conversation.
- Sounds awesome, man.
I'm Tyler.
Pleasure to meet you.
- Thank you for
your service, sir.
Meredith, have a
lovely night, but I
think I'm going to go home.
- What?
No.
I'm not done with you yet.
You're staying here tonight.
- Meredith, I think you
should know I'm leaving town
to try and find myself.
And God willing,
if I come back, I
pray I may become a better man,
perhaps the men of your dreams.
- Leave the keys.
Come on.
- Jesus Christ, dude,
are you all right?
- I'm fine, dude.
What are you talking about?
I'm chilling with
my new best friends.
I'm having a good time.
- We should get going, though.
It's about that time.
- Listen, we're about to go
on an amazing journey, right?
We're going to go
see crazy stuff.
Let me just give us
one gift before we go,
a gift of hospitality.
Tonight, why don't we
stay Casa Tyler style--
sleepover right here, like
we did when we were babies.
- Going crazy sounds awesome,
but we do kind of need
to get going.
- I'm not taking no
for an answer, dude.
We're staying here tonight,
and we're going to have fun.
And you're going to have
some drinks at my fridge
and we're going to
play some games.
We're going to have snacks.
- What kind of snacks?
- Dried fruit.
- Bring it on.
- You're really good
at this game, dude.
- Thanks, man.
- Psych.
I'm about to blast
your little nuts.
[faint sex noises]
- I've never played with
someone else before.
It's so much more fun.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, yes.
- Here comes everything.
[screams]
- Guys, just remember,
if anybody asks,
we're here for the conference.
- Nobody ever asks.
Do you know how many
free hotel breakfasts
I've got in my f*cking life?
- When you make a wish on a
star, every dream in your heart
might actually come true.
- What a joke.
- No, it's a song.
It's from a movie
about the wooden child.
I can't remember
the name right now.
I can't remember the name of the
movie, but it was a wooden boy.
And he taught me so many things.
He taught me that if
you lie, guess what?
Your nose will grow
as long as a hot dog.
- Somebody ought to tell
her that she'd better
watch her nose.
- Who, Judge Linda Booch?
- Yeah.
- Why?
What'd she do?
- I was just trying to
participate in the conference,
you know?
Yeah and I asked her a really
simple, straightforward
question, and she refused to
answer in front of everybody
and embarrass me.
You see those women over there?
They're in charge of
this stupid event.
They also screamed at me.
- What?
- And they made
me leave the room.
- Well, that puts them
on the naughty list.
- Yeah, I got a
target on my back.
- I'm Tyler, by the way.
It's nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- I'm Diane.
- Nice to meet you, Diane.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- What do we tell Tyler
about transcending?
I say we do it now and get
him pumped off the rip.
- Not yet.
It takes time.
You have to build trust.
- All right, well,
can we tell him
about the Galactic
Palace of NamNam Jazar?
- No.
- The energy dolphins swimming
through an ocean of cloud?
- Not yet.
- The seduction of Bound Latham?
The Ceremony of
Endless Beginnings?
Why can't we tell
him anything cool?
- Let me lay it out for you
in a way you might understand.
Would Colonel Sanders share
his secret spice recipe
with somebody he just met?
- Of course not.
He's famously tight-lipped
with regards to his chicken.
- And look how successful he is.
- Holy sh*t.
- Morning, ladies.
You are all looking
very lovely today--
for a bunch of snakes.
That's my friend right there.
That's Diane.
That's my new friend.
And she was just telling me
about your, frankly, disgusting
conduct that you showed
her this morning.
Vile.
You are all being vile
to her, and that does not
sit right with me, OK?
So I'm asking you--
I am asking you as
an American citizen--
to go apologize
to her right now.
No threat.
I'm not threatening
you, but you must do it.
Guys, this is Diane,
and I feel like she
might be exactly the kind
of person we're looking for.
- Hi, guys.
- Hell, yeah.
Welcome, Diane.
- Well, hold on.
- The way you guys
were talking, you
said this group is
all about community.
It's all about helping
kindred spirits, whatever.
- Yup.
- She's awesome.
- Right.
It's just kind of
a vetting process.
And I'm sure you're a
lovely person, but--
- Say no more.
I totally get it.
I don't want to be
a burden on you.
I've been a burden
my whole life.
Been pretty much a drain
on everyone I've ever met.
It's all good.
It's nice while it lasted.
Bye, guys.
- Hold on.
You didn't let me finish.
We were just about to leave.
And we just realized that none
of us know how to use a map,
so we could use someone
to help us navigate,
and we'd like you to join us.
It's my idea.
[cheering]
- Oh my gosh.
- Yes.
Hell, yeah.
- Yes.
- Awesome.
Awesome.
- I just have to do
one thing really quick,
so can I meet you in the
parking lot in a couple minutes?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, for sure.
- OK, cool.
OK.
[laughs]
- See you then.
I can't believe it.
- Diane.
- This is awesome.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Cool.
- Dude, I saw what you
were doing back there,
but I'm actually
awesome at maps.
The thing you got to
do is follow the roads.
- That's a good trick.
- I know.
- I hate you.
You're going to tell me
who's a good mother, huh?
You think you know
everything about kids?
Where did you get your
fricking law degree,
from the Toilet University?
(SCREAMING) Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
You don't know
anything about kids.
You think you're Barney?
No, you're not even Mr. Rogers.
You're just a dumb, old b*tch.
Linda, look at me.
f*ck you.
[music playing]
- So um, that was pretty
f*cking wild back there, huh?
What was that about?
- I know, I'm really sorry.
I guess I should explain.
So that judge, that little
b*tch, decided to ruin my life,
like, out of nowhere.
And she wouldn't even reconsider
her insane ruling today.
That's what I was doing there.
Because of her, I'm not
allowed to see my son anymore.
- What?
- Not really.
- You know, I'm not
even exactly sure why.
I used to do this really
fun thing with him, where
I would take him
to abandon houses
and I'd help him
through the window,
and he'd unlock the door for
me and then we would sneak in
and we would go exploring.
He loved it.
He really did.
- Wow.
- Then one day, we
went into this house
that I really thought was
abandoned because it looked
like such sh*t, you know?
Really, really bad.
But it turns out that
guy was living in there.
- Oh.
- And they took
him away for that?
- Basically.
We set off some fireworks,
too, but I never
would have done that
if I knew that somebody
was living in there, you know?
Like, I'm not that
kind of person anymore.
I would never do that.
Plus, my ex, Shawn's dad,
made up some really bad sh*t
about my work
situation right now
and the judge took his side,
even though I'm his mom.
- There's nothing
like a mother's love.
He needs you.
- I know that was a
lot, so I understand
if you guys want to pull over
to the side of the highway
and dump me off.
- No.
- What?
- I know it's hard, but I
appreciate your understanding.
We all--
[tires screeching]
- No.
I love the way you handled
yourself back then.
My family would never
fight for me like that.
I remember when I
was a little kid,
one time I was
wrongfully accused
of stealing six bags of Reese's
Pieces from the J & F Market.
My mom didn't take my side.
She made me give back all the
candy to the old ladies that
saw me take it.
I wish I had a mom that would
destroy a Plymouth for me.
- Really?
- Dude.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, guys.
You're really special.
- I guess my only thing is that
you did as*ault that concierge
that pulled you off
of the judge's car,
so I'm fairly certain that
the police are looking for us.
- OK, so they're probably
looking for this car.
We dump it and steal a new one.
Easy.
- That's perfect.
Then we add grand theft
auto to the charges.
- Wait, I think I got it.
- I hate doing the ceiling.
I mean, every painter knows,
like, doing a ceiling,
painting the ceiling,
like when it drips--
- It drips in your
mouth and you get sick.
- Yeah.
- That's the worst.
That's probably-- that's
got to be my least favorite.
- I think every paint-- if
you're a painter, you know.
You hate doing the ceiling.
- Then you got that you
got to take a week off
and you're bedridden.
- Yeah.
- And then you're
staring at the ceiling.
- You're looking at the
ceiling that made you sick.
- That's a great sort of irony.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
What the f*ck are
you guys doing, huh?
What are you doing?
- Well, we were
painting the garage.
- Yeah, no sh*t you're
painting the garage.
You're painting my garage, and
I don't want my garage painted.
- Wait.
- Wait.
- When we were
talking on the phone,
you were like, paint the garage.
- And you weren't as mad.
- No.
What's the address?
- 767 Maple--
- Maple Avenue.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's yummy, like the syrup.
- It's yummy like the syrup.
That's how we remember it.
- That's how we remember it.
Yeah.
- This is Maple Lane, dickheads.
- Oh, f*ck.
- sh*t.
- sh*t.
- Yeah, you f*cked up big time.
- You sure?
- Am I sure?
It's my f*cking house.
Get the f*ck out of here.
Go.
- sh*t.
- This has happened before.
- Yeah, this--
- We're sorry about that.
- Sorry.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
Put that down.
You don't take your stuff.
You get your stuff when you
come back with white paint
and you paint my
garage white, the way
it was, the way my
beautiful wife designed it.
- Sorry about that.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry to you and your wife.
- Don't apologize,
she's gorgeous.
She's an acclaimed
Pilates instructor.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's f*cking cool.
Now leave.
[music playing]
We got the crew.
- Who's ready to become the most
awesome version of themselves
possible?
- Me.
- Yeah, we might be looking at
a couple of scrubs right now,
but when we get
to William's, uh--
William, William, tell
Diane about this place, man.
- Uh, well, it's big.
It's on a lake.
I own it.
It might just be the
chrysalis from which
we emerge our true selves,
a little slice of paradise.
- [laughs]
Paradise.
f*ck yeah. (CHANTING)
William's paradise.
William's paradise.
William's paradise.
[music playing]
(SINGING) And now the sun
is shining all day long.
There'll be no more clouds in
the sky,
just the sun for you and I.
Sunshine.
There's only sunshine
waiting for you and me.
It's all the happiness we
dreamed that it would bring.
There'll be no more
clouds in the sky.
No more wondering why.
Sunshine.
- What's going on?
- Oh, just had to help an
injured moose across the road.
- Where are we?
Why are you dressed like that?
- Well, we were all going
pretty stir-crazy in the car.
We figured, f*ck it, let's
stop and get some new threads.
Went to a little camping
store, got decked out.
Don't worry.
We got something for you, too.
- What?
- You wanted to drive
through the whole night?
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
We need a little break.
We deserve to kind of chill
out, maybe have some dinner.
Huh?
We stopped at a grocery
store, and guess what?
We're going to have a little
barbecue, camping style.
Our friend Diane here called
ahead, got us a great plot.
She's a hell of a
negotiator, this one.
- Why didn't you wake me up?
- Well, come on, dude.
You were out cold.
We tried.
- I don't want to go camping.
- So basically, I think if
my dream were to come true,
it would be to finally guess the
amount of jelly beans in the jar
at my mall.
- That would be f*cking awesome.
- That's a great
f*cking answer, dude.
- Thanks, man.
- Hell, yeah.
How about you, Diane?
Wildest dreams.
- Wildest dream.
I would want to get a parrot.
OK.
That's nice, but come on.
Think bigger than parrot.
We can get you a parrot.
Anything in the world, what do
you want your life to look like?
- OK.
I've never told
anyone this before,
but um, I would want to be
an actress in TV commercials.
You know, like I want to be one
of those women by the shower,
and they're spritzing
it, and they go, just
look at that shine.
Like that.
- Wow.
- But I could never.
I could never.
Nobody would want me to do that.
- What do you mean
you could never?
You just did.
- Yeah, I would buy $1,000 worth
of cleaning supplies off that
pitch alone.
You're a natural.
[laughs]
For real.
And if you're this
good now, just
imagine what it's going to
be like when we transcend.
- What does transcend mean?
- I meant--
I didn't say it.
I said tan skin.
When we tan skin at
William's paradise,
there's going to be so much--
by the lake, so much sun.
And everybody likes
a tan actor, right?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Diane?
Diane?
Would you mind going to get
us some sodas from the vending
machine?
- Totally.
Yeah.
I hope they have grape.
Diet grape for me.
- You like the tan
skin, right, dude?
- I've never been able to.
My skin is like paper.
- They should put beer in
those, don't you think?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- I ain't never seen
you stay here before.
I know because I'm always here.
That's mine.
You ever been in
one of them before?
Man, it's like a
big car with a bed.
I didn't catch your name.
- It's Gertrude.
- Gertrude, I'm going to
stop beating around the bush.
I ain't seen something as pretty
as you in a long, long time.
And even though you got the
name of a real old lady,
I'd like to invite you onto
my house and have sex with me.
My wife is taking care
of her sister this week.
- No, thank you.
Bye.
- Door's always open.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- And you, William.
- Just in time, a little
soda to wash down these dogs.
- Hey, Tyler, you
got to double it up.
What are you doing
with a single dog?
- I don't even know.
- You're embarrassing yourself.
- Yeah.
- What's the most hot dogs
you ever had in a day?
- Hey, look who it is.
- Yo.
You.
- What's up, dude?
- What is this?
Somebody want to tell
me what's happening?
Who is this?
- I'm Jim Smith.
I'm part of the family.
- OK it's time we come clean.
Earlier, we weren't stopping to
help a moose across the road.
We were picking up Jim Smith.
The family grows stronger
with another member.
And listen, I know what
you're going to say.
We vetted him.
Don't worry.
It's all good.
- William's paradise sounds
like a dream come true.
- Chip?
Chip?
- What?
- Let's talk.
- I'm doing hot dogs.
- Now.
- Jimmy, why don't you
take over for me, buddy?
- You like hot dogs?
- This is not working.
- What are you talking about?
- I gave you a chance.
I gave you the keys.
- And I'm doing a
f*cking great job.
- You're doing the
opposite of a great job.
You're doing everything I
said we should not be doing.
You're building too fast.
You're telling them about
transcending before they even
know the teachings.
You're spending all our
money on camping gear.
You picked up a hitchhiker,
who may well be a m*rder*r.
- Jim Smith's cool.
You're overreacting.
- I really don't think I am.
And you're not
going to like this,
but I've made a
decision to demote you
from the position of
co-leader of this family.
- You can't demote me.
No, we're co-leaders.
You don't make that
decision by yourself.
- I already have.
- No, f*ck that, because
you forgot our arrangement.
Either we do this together
as co-leaders or I take you
to the cops.
- Oh, interesting.
OK, yeah.
Call the police and they'll
come and they'll haul me away.
And then what do
you think's going
to happen with all those
people when you have nowhere
to take them?
They're going to leave and
you're going to be alone.
- This is f*cked up, dude.
- Hey, it's only temporary.
We can reassess once we
get to the lake house.
How about that?
- I mean, maybe
there was one or two
things I could have run by you,
but this is f*cking extreme,
dude.
- Look, one day, when
we've transcended together,
you'll understand.
This is a song I used to
know in another lifetime,
so I apologize if
I'm a little rusty.
[playing guitar]
(SINGING) They woke
up in the dark.
They learned to
walk in the dark.
They sang their
songs in the dark.
They didn't know the sun.
She wandered from
the path they laid.
Said, don't go,
you'll be afraid.
I smile.
Turn my eyes toward the sun.
[humming]
[upbeat music playing]
- That's crazy.
You go forever
and ever and ever.
- No.
- You're cheating.
Traitor.
- Good morning, family.
- Good morning, William.
Got you a cup of coffee.
I thought you might
like some of that.
- Oh, thank you, Tyler.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- I slept like a
baby last night.
- Oh, that's great to hear.
Diane, good morning.
- Good morning, William.
Uh-oh, you have a little
leaf in your hair.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, no.
God, it's so soft.
It's like feathers.
- Thank you.
Good morning.
I got to say, you three are
brimming with potential today.
- Oh my God, thank you.
- I mean it.
Ah, Chip, you
decided to join us.
- Yeah.
- You missed a really wonderful
discussion last night.
- Basically, we are all worms.
- Yeah, I know that one.
- All right, g*ng, I'm
going to hit the showers.
Chip, why don't you go ahead
and start breaking down
the tents for us, OK?
- Hey, Chip, dude, is
everything OK, man?
- Yeah, dude, everything's
f*cking awesome.
- Good.
It's just you seem--
you seem kind of down.
- What?
Nah, dude, I was up all night
thinking about all the chicks
I slammed, actually.
- Oh my God, that's excellent.
- It was f*cking sick.
- That's so sick.
- It's just I'm
pretty sure I saw you
crying last night at the fire.
- What the f*ck, dude?
Don't you ever f*cking
lie about me again.
- Sorry.
- I don't cry, dude.
- OK.
- If you saw anything--
and you didn't--
probably what you saw was me
being sad because William's
song sucked so much d*ck.
- I thought the
song was awesome.
It rocked.
- Yeah, dude, you would
think some sh*t like that.
You're f*cking weak-minded.
- I just want to let you,
man, like, if you're hurting,
trust me, I've been hurt before.
I've been hurt in
ways that are ill*gal.
But if you are feeling
bad, just let me know, man.
I'm here for you.
We're family now.
- Dude, I don't
need sh*t like that.
I'm at the top of this thing.
I've been here longer than you.
You don't help me with stuff.
I help you with stuff.
- OK.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I've stepped over a
boundary, and I apologize.
- Yeah, you did.
- I'm very sorry.
I'm sorry.
- You f*cked up, dude.
- OK.
- Beat it.
- I'm sorry for bothering you.
- Dude, you're slowing me down.
- I'm sorry.
- I have an important job.
Were you assigned a job?
- I don't know.
- No, because you're
not trustworthy enough.
- I'm sorry, dude.
[whistling]
All yours, ginger d*ck.
- Thanks.
- Holy sh*t.
Holy f*cking sh*t.
Three ba*ls Billy.
How's that third nut, Billy?
- You must be thinking
of somebody else.
- Oh, bullshit.
It's me.
It's Robbie.
Come on, man.
How you been?
You still hanging out with
all those busted theater
girls who follow you
around, call you a wizard?
- Different guy.
- Come on.
Robbie.
You're right.
I sh*t in your history
book and smushed it shut.
- You've mistaken
me for someone else.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
I'm pretty sure it's you.
Matter of fact, I was
just thinking about you.
Saw a picture of a
f*cking guy on the news.
Thought it was you, but wasn't
sure.
Had a lady's haircut.
But seeing you here in
person, I think it was you.
What's going on, man?
- That wasn't me.
- Oh.
[laughs]
All right.
I get it.
Hey, I'd do the same thing, too,
if they were looking for me.
Well, good seeing you, Bill.
[music playing]
- OK, everybody,
it's time to go.
Time to go.
Let's get in the car.
Let's leave everything.
Trust me.
Tyler, I would love to invite
you to drive for us today.
- Are you serious?
- I am.
And Diane, our navigator, we
couldn't do it without you.
Please resume your position.
[laughs]
OK.
Leave everything.
Let's go into the car.
We won't need tents
where we're going.
And we'll all have our own
bedrooms overlooking the lake.
I think it's going to be a
perfect place for us to become
who we were always meant to be.
[radio playing]
Hello?
Aunt Bev?
It's Billy.
- Sandra, is that you?
Not too hung over
today, party girl.
But you can hang
out if you want.
You can use the bathroom.
- Aunt Bev, is that you?
- Who is that?
- I'm Billy.
Is my aunt here?
- Honey, where you been?
- Where have I been?
I mean, I've been
a lot of places.
Where's my aunt?
- Honey, I'm sorry
to have to say this,
but your Aunt Bev passed
about six months ago.
She was sick for
a couple of years.
- I didn't know that.
- She cared for you a whole lot.
You know that.
- Yeah.
I mean, she was
my favorite aunt.
She was my only aunt.
- And you didn't think to
call in, what, six years?
- Yeah, I should have called.
Who are you?
- I'm Dorota.
I did your aunt's
hair for years.
Started getting friendly.
When she got sick,
I helped her out.
I miss her, I do.
She was so kind to me.
She left me this place.
She didn't have to do that.
- She always said she was
going to leave me the house.
- She wanted to.
You broke her heart, honey.
How hard is it to
pick up the phone?
- Probably the prettiest place
I've ever been in my whole life.
- I knew two boys that
drowned in a lake once.
- Sorry, guys, this
is not my property.
It's my aunt's, and she's
dead, and she left it
to her hairdresser
instead of me.
So this whole thing is over.
Thanks for coming.
It just wasn't meant to be.
- Wow, that really sucks.
- Chip, what are you doing?
Chip?
[knock]
- Hello?
Ma'am?
- I told you to leave.
Who are you?
- Oh, hi.
I'm Chip.
I'm friends with William.
I'm not sure how
much he told you,
but our group is really
depending on this house.
- Group?
He didn't say anything
about a group.
That little sh*t
just came in here
and threatened me with legal.
Said he was going to
kick me out of my house.
- Yeah, no, that
sounds like him.
He could definitely be
a dickhead sometimes.
The thing is, though, me
and my friends just really
don't have anywhere else to go.
Whoa, sick piata.
Is that a beer smoking weed?
- Yeah, I made it myself.
You
- Keep a really nice home.
Anyway, it's just
we've been on the road
just trying to
get here for days.
And everyone in the
crew is so awesome.
You have Tyler, who's this
tall, strong physical specimen.
And Diane, she's beautiful
and nice and just trying
to get her son back.
And then there's
Jim Smith, who's
a foreign man of some kind.
We'll do whatever it
takes to stay here.
We'll do your laundry.
We'll cook for you.
We'll clean.
We'll secure the premises.
We just-- we just really need a
place to become our best selves.
- I'm sorry, honey.
I don't think I can house
a whole crew of people
I don't know.
- No, I know.
You're right.
It's just I owed it to
everybody to give it a shot.
Thank you for hearing me out.
It's a shame, too.
This really is such
an awesome place.
Is that a vintage Dorota
"The Destroyer" poster.
- Come on now, you're just
trying to butter me up.
- What?
[music playing]
No way.
Are you kidding me right now?
- Come on.
You know who I am?
- Do I know who you are?
I remember this exactly.
May 9th, 1981.
The Superdome.
You got f*cked.
The ref turned his back
and Marvelous Mabel
hit you over the head
with a steel chair.
Pinned you.
She stole the
championship from you.
You should have been the champ.
You got f*cked.
God, that thing was rigged.
- I hate to break it to you,
kid, they're all rigged.
- You had such cool moves--
the Dance of Destruction,
Thigh Blaster.
Come on, are you kidding me?
- That was a long time ago.
- God, you were so electric.
What's going on?
Why are you here?
You should be headlining
main events right now.
- Yeah, that was a
lot of fun, but nobody
wants to watch an old lady
parade around next to nothing
and crush a man's
head with her thighs.
- Well, speak for
yourself, sister.
[grunts]
- The hell is he doing?
- Oh my God, that was one of the
coolest ways I've ever busted.
- I'm not even close to
being done with you yet.
[music playing]
- Thigh-blast me.
- You like that little piggy?
- Yes.
- Prove it.
- I like.
I like.
I like.
I like.
[cheering]
[chatter]
- Holy crap, dude, it's so
cool that Chip saved the day.
- Hey, everybody, I have
something I'd like to say.
I've decided to step down
from my position as a leader,
because I think we've
all realized something.
Actually, I want to
get this on camera.
- William, what are
you talking about, man?
- I'd like to give
a toast to Chip.
He's the one true leader of this
group, and he always has been.
[music playing]
- To Chip.
[cheering]
Let's go.
- Would you follow
Chip anywhere?
- Oh, without hesitation.
- Chip is an awesome leader.
He got us this
beautiful new home.
He's the smartest
man I ever met.
- Who was it that brought
you into this group?
- Chip, all the way.
[laughs]
- There you go, buddy.
- (CHANTING) Chip.
Chip.
Chip.
Chip.
Chip.
Chip.
Chip Chip.
Chip.
Chip.
[laughs]
- "Dear Chip, this isn't
an easy note to write,
but last night it
became clear to me
that I shouldn't
be here anymore.
I've always feared I never
had a real purpose here,
and now I know for sure.
I'm certain you will continue to
be a powerful leader to everyone
else, but I know that
I'm not worthy to receive
your leadership, and perhaps I'm
not even worthy of this life.
Goodbye, William.
- Today we lost an
important man who was wise.
He was brilliant.
He was smart.
But perhaps his
greatest attribute
was understanding when
he was no longer needed.
Yes, his greatest
masterstroke was
knowing that to stand in the way
of the supernova of leadership
I've become would have been
completely futile to this family
that William abandoned.
I promise to take us to heights
that he couldn't even imagine.
And William, though you've
now transcended and are likely
experiencing pleasures we
can't even comprehend--
the Festival of
Endless Beginnings,
likely seated at the
table of Garnatham
himself, gorging yourself on
his fat berries and juices--
we miss you.
One day we'll all be
with you, William.
We'll be where you are.
And on that day, I will, of
course, maintain my leadership
position over you, but you
won't have a problem with it
this time.
To William.
- To William.
- To William.
[background tv noise]
- You're not allowed in Europe
but you don't remember why?
- I think it's a family thing
I did, we did, long ago.
- Where's your from?
- The middle of Germany.
- Wait, go back.
[ominous music playing]
- Wherein my client,
William Davenport,
was held c*ptive
for years, forced
to sleep in an unheated barn
by the leader of the cult, Chip
Harper.
This sick, depraved
individual forced my client
to take part in a
myriad of twisted acts,
including a group suicide
ritual, during which my client
was finally able to escape,
only to be tracked down
several months later by Mr.
Harper, who, at which time,
threatened and forced
poor Mr. Davenport to join
yet another suicide cult.
Only through cunning wit
and the bravest of hearts
was my client able to escape
this dangerous, disgusting,
unregulated militia and flee
to safety, at which point
he contacted me, Don Wright.
At this time, we're going
to open it up for questions.
Yes, beautiful woman
in the front row?
How are you?
- He's f*cking lying.
He never spent a night
in the punishment barn.
- I knew it was too
good to be true.
- It's not.
What we have is real.
I can clear this all up.
You got to believe me.
you guys got to believe me, too.
- A lot of that was
very concerning, man.
[sirens]
f*ck.
- Oh, no, dude.
- Guys, I'll explain everything,
but we got to go now.
Guys, we got to go now.
We got to go now.
- I'll buy you some time.
Y'all don't deserve
this kind of trouble.
- I can't get in
trouble with the police.
- You're a good woman, Dorota.
- I'm doing this for
them, Chip, not you.
[music playing]
[radio police chatter]
[g*nshots]
- Oh, D, what are they
doing to you, baby?
Guys, this way.
- Chip, was that all true?
Is this a suicide cult?
- No.
William is full of sh*t.
He was the leader of
the old family, not me.
- Were you going to k*ll us?
- No, of course not.
When the time came, I
was hoping you would want
to k*ll yourselves with me.
I know how that sounds,
but it's not death.
It's transcending.
- Is that what transcendence
means, k*lling yourself?
- It's about so
much more than that.
There's so much bullshit here.
When we transcend,
that all goes away.
No dumb judge taking advantage
of you, stealing your family.
No one to break your heart.
You're just hanging out with
your best friends all the time.
Doesn't that sound awesome?
- Best friends don't
lie to each other
and they don't
manipulate each other.
- I thought we were supposed
to help each other, man,
and make the best of
this life right now.
- We are, guys.
Come on.
You don't get it.
I know it sounds a
little far-fetched,
and I didn't want
to tell you this,
but I know it's true because I
brought William back to life.
[laughs]
I'm serious.
I saw him.
He was dead.
The old group, they tried
to transcend without me,
but they're a bunch of snakes.
They had hate in their hearts,
so they couldn't do it right.
They all died.
William, too.
They brought him back for me.
We were supposed to get
a second chance at this.
I was supposed to transcend
with a good family this time.
[music playing]
- Guys, I think we should
just go back, explain
to the police everything
that happened,
and just pray for the best.
- All the things you
said is really crazy.
- You let us down, man.
- It's so sad how people
can lie to themselves.
Could Chip hear himself?
- Some people can't
face reality even
when it slaps them in the face.
It's pathetic.
- I don't understand why all
these bad things keep happening
to me when I'm doing so good.
- And I promised Meredith
I'd come back a better man.
Let's hope she forgot
about that one.
- Wow.
I hope this doesn't
come off really nasty,
but when it comes to delusion,
Chip has nothing on you two.
Diane, when are you going
to admit that your life is
a result of your own choices?
And, Tyler, no
matter how much you
don't want your
relationship to be over,
you have to face the facts.
She's just not that
into you, dude.
Then again, who am I to judge?
When I first met you
guys, I was still
reeling from losing my
position within the ranks
of a top secret
government program.
After a failed
assassination attempt
on the Vice Premier of
Morocco, I was shot four times
and left for dead
in the Aegean Sea.
Thanks only to the
kindness of the fishermen,
whose nets lifted my
near lifeless body
from the frothy
waters, did I survive.
I heard rumors of a
false flag t*rror1st
attack being coordinated by the
United States and Saudi Arabia.
I was hitchhiking to Wyoming,
planning to execute vice
presidential candidate
Richard Cheney,
who my sources indicate is the
chief architect of this plot.
But after just a few hours with
you guys, I felt so foolish.
I realized I've been wasting my
life committing violence so I
could feel a sense of purpose.
I realized that hanging out
with cool friends, that's all I
really need.
This family taught
me to love again.
But now it seems like
it's falling apart,
and there's nothing we
can do, and it sucks.
- Jim Smith is right,
except for I do
think you're wrong
about one thing.
You are wrong about
the fact that we
can't do anything about this.
Chip might be all messed
up in the head, but listen,
he's our friend, OK, and I
think we got to go back for him.
Let's do this thing.
- Chip!
- Where are you, buddy?
- Yeah, come on, man.
- Chip?
- Chip?
- Chip, I'm coming
for you, buddy.
- Oh my God, Chip!
- Chip, dude.
Com, On, man.
I got you.
I got you.
Dude.
[grunts]
- f*ck!
Where the f*ck am I?
[screams]
- We brought you back, Betty.
- What?
Why?
I screwed you guys big time.
- You guys sold
some bogus, dude.
We figured you could use
some help sorting out
the bad from the good.
- You guys are the best.
When I was just dead right
now, nothing f*cking cool
happened at all.
It f*cking sucked.
I didn't just grow wings and
fly on the Celestial Orbit.
I didn't get the f*cking crown
jewels of Princess Namaharnomor.
I believed William's bullshit.
He f*cked my head up so bad.
And then I was so charming
and seductive when you met me,
I f*cked your heads up bad.
I almost lost you guys.
I'm not going to
let it happen again.
Now that you've passed my test--
- Chip.
- OK, I'm sorry.
Now that you've saved my life,
I'm very appreciative for you.
I'm going to repay the favor.
I'm going to save your lives.
I know how we can
clear our names.
OK, so with that
last call, the night
before we were all
going to k*ll ourselves,
William made us do
this f*cked up tape.
- OK.
- So on this tape,
that m*therf*cker
is clearly the leader.
He's admitting himself.
He wants the whole
world to know.
- Where's the tape now?
- The important thing is William
thinks I burned the tape.
He thinks all the
evidence is gone.
But I didn't burn it.
As embarrassed as
I am about it now,
I just couldn't bring myself
to destroy those memories.
Now the bad news is--
- Fore!
- f*ck.
You see, the problem is
that tape is all the way
the f*ck back at that
first house where
William brainwashed me.
- So that's, like, really far.
- If you're dicking
around, yeah, it is.
But if we drive
straight through--
no stopping for hotel
breakfast, no video games,
no hitchhikers-- we can get
there in less than a day.
We just need a
real set of wheels.
- Oh, I have an idea.
[knocks]
- Well, well, who
do we have here?
- I was wondering if that offer
for sex while your wife's away
still stands?
- You're just in time, Gertrude.
My sister-in-law's
back on solid food.
Means the missus will
be back any day now.
- I just have one problem.
I need to do it outside.
It's the only way
that I like it.
It's beautiful and natural.
Just the right amount
of nodding, you know?
- Oh, girl, careful now.
If I'm boned up, you'll
give me the sh**t
right here where I stand.
- Uh-oh.
Come and get me before
I change my mind.
- Good things do
happen to good people.
[yells]
[music playing]
- Hey, that's my
grandmother's RV.
Hey.
Hey.
The gravel has scraped my p*nis.
[news music playing]
- Behind me stands what most
would call a normal-looking home
just outside a sleepy
Midwestern town.
But within those walls, it
was anything but normal.
Meet Billy Davenport,
an innocent man
who fell under the spell
of one of the world's most
depraved criminals.
- It's honestly a
little uncomfortable
being back this
close to the house.
- And why is that?
- I can still hear
Chip screaming at me.
But maybe that was the allure.
The more he pulled
away, the more
I felt the need to prove
myself because he was just
so charming and special.
- Billy was talking
about Chip Harper, a.k.a.
the Manson of the Midwest and
leader of the suicide cult
known as The Cosmic Dynasty.
How did you first
meet Chip Harper?
- Well, I was very
fat at the time,
and I was in a fast
food restaurant arguing
with one of the workers
about the amount of food
I'd been given.
I was insisting that they
hadn't given me my order,
even though I'd already eaten
all the sandwiches in question.
Chip saw my desperation
and pounced.
- What do you think Chip
thought when he first saw you?
- If I had to
speculate, hey here's
a guy I can get to do all the
menial, degrading tasks that I
am to relieve my
followers of, in the hopes
that they'll fall more
deeply in love with me.
If I had to guess, that's it.
- Wait.
Why is that news van here?
- What's going on?
- f*ck, he's here.
That piece of sh*t is here, and
he brought Georgeanne Jennings
here.
He's probably in there telling
her a bunch of lies about us
right now.
No, hold on.
We're fine, because
the tape's in the barn.
He doesn't know about the barn.
As long as he doesn't take
her to the barn, we're golden.
- He wanted to show me the barn,
far away from the house, where
he was forced to sleep,
often without electricity,
left to deal with the
elements and the wildlife.
- f*ck!
They're going to the barn.
Oh, f*ck, I'm going to
f*cking jail forever.
No.
No.
I'm going to get there.
William, consider
your a*s plucked.
- Did you ever
think about leaving?
- I was too stupid
to go anywhere else.
And to tell you the
truth, I've blocked
a lot of memories
of this place out
on account of all
the trauma, but I
will do my best to answer
any questions you may have.
- Did you ever
have sex with Chip?
- Stop!
No.
Do not listen to a word this
man says, Georgeanne Jennings.
He is a liar and a
huge piece of dog sh*t.
- Georgeanne, you should run and
hide and disregard everything
this lunatic is saying.
- Keep rolling.
Keep rolling.
- Keep rolling's right.
Keep rolling's right.
You're going to want to roll on
this because I got it all right
here, Georgeanne.
I have-- in this tape,
I will expose this man
for the snake he really
is and clear my good name.
- It's probably a tape
of him showing you
his p*nis, and once you see
that, you can't unsee it,
and that's how--
- It's not my c*ck.
[laughs]
Your time has come, William.
[music playing]
Georgeanne, it's going
to work, I promise.
- He's stalling, Georgeanne.
We should leave now while
we still have the chance.
- Shut the f*ck up, William.
- Mr. Harper, if you don't
have anything you can show us,
I'll have no choice but
to call the authorities.
- Georgeanne, it's
going to work.
I know it is.
Oh.
[laughs]
Yes.
Yes.
Look at this.
- This doesn't prove anything.
That looks like CGI
to me, a video game,
or something like that.
My name is William
Davenport and I
am the father, shepherd, and
spiritual leader of The Cosmic
Dynasty.
If you are watching
this tape, Georgeanne,
we have transcended
successfully and it
is your job to spread our
message to the unfortunate
masses.
- Jesus Christ.
- Well, that's obviously a joke.
The whole thing is a prank.
Why isn't everybody laughing?
It's time for laughing now.
[crazy laughter]
- Whoa.
What the f*ck, dude?
Chill out.
- Calm down.
- You calm down.
Unhand Georgeanne
Jennings right now.
- Oh, big man.
Big man.
He's trying to impress
you, Georgeanne.
But she's not impressed
because you're a fool.
Georgeanne, did you
know that Chip here
thought I died and magically
came back to life just for him?
[coughs]
I didn't drink that
poison, you stupid f*ck.
- You know what, dude?
That little comment
would have really
hurt the old me because
I thought you rocked,
but it turns out
you f*cking suck.
Yeah, I feel sorry
for you, honestly.
Your vibes are f*cked.
You got a bad attitude.
And you're a terrible hang.
Always were.
- Bullshit.
People love me.
- Not me.
I think you're a loser.
- Yeah, you think
you're all that,
but you're actually
a total scrub.
- I still like you,
but not as much.
- Who cares?
Give me that f*cking tape.
- OK, man, just don't
do anything crazy.
- Get on your knees.
Get on your knees.
- Do what he says.
- Everybody on your knees.
- Let Georgeanne go.
- OK.
OK.
OK.
I should have let you drink that
f*cking poison, f*cking idiot.
[screams]
[mumbling]
[laughs]
- You got raccoon
trapped, b*tch.
You're going to f*cking die.
[laughs]
I love when my enemies perish.
He's probably dead, you guys.
- Chip Harper landed on his
feet after that fateful day.
Once spending half a decade
under the spell of William
Davenport, Harper is now an
in-demand motivational speaker.
- Today we k*ll our
Williams, and today you're
all going to become the best
versions of yourselves possible.
[applause]
- Though his wife is
currently serving 25 years
to life in prison for the
m*rder of four police officers,
these two lovebirds are
expecting a beautiful baby girl.
- You know, it wasn't
easy, Georgeanne.
At first, we thought I'd
have to cover my frozen seed
in chocolate and sneak
it into the facility
with a candy bar wrapper.
Eventually, we were
granted conjugal visits,
but trying to make
love to your wife
in a cold concrete cell, all
the other inmates hooting
and hollering.
They can smell my pheromones.
I suppose it comes with the
territory of being an alpha
male, but it's not easy on
the erection, Georgeanne,
I'll be honest with you.
Luckily, I was able to bust
soft and our little miracle
is on the way any day now.
- Oh, precious.
And even though your
immediate family was recently
k*lled in a gravel
spill, it seems
like you've managed to
persevere and create
kind of a new family of sorts.
- You know, what can
I say, Georgeanne?
I'm blessed.
But as difficult
as this ordeal was,
I met the best pals of my
entire life through this thing.
That's right.
[chatter]
- Mommy.
[laughter]
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Tyler, I think it's safe
to say that everybody that
lived through this
situation, we're
all the absolute best versions
of ourselves possible now.
- As for William Davenport,
after 36 hours of surgery,
they managed to remove the sword
from his head and save his life.
But now he's a sh*t for
brains, the type that
laughs when a train goes by.
[music playing]
(SINGING) Put aside your
sad, unhappy endings.
Turn away from the world.
It's gone and turned
its back on you.
Who knows what
tomorrow is beginning?
All I really know is that
I want to be with you.
For all we'll ever have may
be what we share tonight.
The future's promised to no one,
so stay with me in paradise.
Time is like a river
flowing, winding down
through all our
memories, making islands
of the happiness we've known.
Down to the sea of
life and loving,
watering our days and all
the seeds that we have shown.
For all we'll ever have may
be what we share tonight.
The future's promised to no one,
so stay with me in paradise.
Yes, all we'll ever have may
be what we share tonight.
The future's promised to no one,
so stay with me in paradise.
And all we'll ever have...
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