(INDISTINCT CLATTERING)
(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
STEVE: AJ!
AJ: Yeah?
STEVE: Am I taking
her downstairs?
She's cleared, right?
AJ: Yeah, bring her
over to discharge area.
I think her friend's
picking her up.
STEVE: Are you ready,
Miss Franco?
Gray skies are
Gonna clear up
Put on a happy face
Brush off the clouds
And cheer up
Put on a happy face
MAZIE: Yeah, I'm here
for Laura Franco.
Laura Franco! Franco!
-(RECEPTIONIST SHUSHING)
-MAZIE: Don't shush me.
-Laura. Ugh!
-RECEPTIONIST: Ma'am.
-Quiet.-What?
Oh, my God, it's bright.
Sorry, I'm late.
How are you feeling?
(GROANS) Like death.
(SIGHS) Me, too.
Ooh! Steve.
And spread sunshine
I'm Mazie.
All over the place
ATTENDANT: I'm married.
MAZIE: Mmm. Of course you are.
Just put on a happy face!
(GLEEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Put on a happy face
I love you.
Put on a happy face
And if you're feeling
Cross and bickerish
Don't sit and whine
Think of banana splits
And licorice
And you'll feel fine
I knew a girl so gloomy
She'd never laugh or sing
She wouldn't listen to me
Even I feel sick
being in here.
Thank God
I'm here to pick you up.
So spread sunshine
-(SIRENS WAILING)
-All over the place
DOCTOR: Prognosis is cancer
in the lower abdominal region.
Just put on a happy face!
JACOB: (SIGHS)
You need a caretaker.
I can't do it all...
It's been a year almost now
of tests and treatments.
(SIGHS) f*ck!
I need time for me.
I'm sorry.
-Let's talk about this.
-I can't.
Let's talk about this, Jacob.
Please, Jacob.
STEVE: Can she walk out
without...
MAZIE: Yep, we're good.
One foot at a time.
LAURA: Please don't do this.
You're breaking up with me?
(GRUNTS)
-Wait. (GRUNTS) Jacob!
-MAZIE: Delicate flower.
Jacob!
Jacob!
(SIGHS)
(YELLS) Jacob!
-(SOBBING)
-NURSE: sh*t!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey...
Jacob! (CRYING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(CAR HORNS HONKING)
-(DOOR OPENS)
MAZIE: Okay.
-(MAZIE GRUNTS)
-(BAG CLATTERS)
Oh, my God.
(EXHALES)
We did it.
Huh? Okay, slow walks.
Home sweet home.
(GRUNTS) I gotta pee. Oh!
How does it feel to be
back at your mom's?
(UNDER BREATH) Not that
she's ever here anymore.
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
Your mom sent you
12 pies, 100 cookies
and $5,000?
She loves to send
sugar and dough
when she's on a diet.
What does she think?
Carbs cure cancer?
(CUPS CLINKING)
What is that?
MAZIE: What's what?
There's a box
and a bag over there.
-What?
-(GRUNTS) Ah!
What is it?
Jacob called me
and asked me to pick up
some of your stuff.
(LAURA SIGHS)
-(SOBS)
-MAZIE: Oh, okay.
I know... I know it sucks.
Okay, I know it sucks.
But, you're home now,
and the surgery went well
and you got $5,000.
Let's take a beat here, okay?
I'm your ride or die, b*tch,
all right?
Every second,
every minute of every day.
I'm f*cking here
with you, okay?
-Okay, thank you.
-It's gonna be okay.
Thank you.
Wait, f*ck, what time is it?
3:34?
f*ck! I have to go, sh*t!
I gotta go downtown, ugh!
I'm doing this
really stupid reading,
but the producer wants
to f*ck me,
-so the pay is good.
-Wait, now?
Yeah, ting! Laura.
You are a hero and a champion.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay? Eat some pie.
Sleep and don't cry.
Don't cry.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
-MAZIE: Bye.
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(LAURA SOBS)
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
(LAURA GRUNTING)
Why doesn't
he love me anymore?
(SHRIEKS, CRIES)
DELIVERY MAN: Uh,
package for Laura Franco?
(SOBBING) I'm disgusting.
That's me.
LAURA: It's just tissues.
-Okay. Nice.
-I ran out.
Oh, well, I'm glad
you ordered more.
(LAURA CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
-Hey.
-LAURA: Good to see you,
-Amazon man.
-Still crying?
(LAURA BLOWING NOSE)
He just loves her.
He really loves her.
(SOBS) I don't like that one.
DELIVERY MAN:
Laura, good to see you.
LAURA: Thank you.
Do you mind if I...
I just... I really need
a hug right now.
DELIVERY MAN:
I don't know if I'm... Oh!
LAURA: (SOBS)
I really needed this.
(SOMBER MUSIC FADES OUT)
-(PLAYING PIANO)
-LAURA: (SINGING) Hi
Hello, lovely to meet
JACOB: Hey, Laura.
Could you come
sing this for me?
Please have a seat
Yep.
Coffee or tea
What do you think of, um...
Enchant, my stranger
Stay for a while
-Enchant.
- LAURA: Mmm-hmm.
-I really love the new lyrics.
- (JACOB CLEARS THROAT)
(PLAYING PIANO CHORD)
JACOB: I actually wanna
talk to you about something.
I want you to be the lead
of House of Good Women.
LAURA: It's Broadway, Jacob.
It's my dream.
(JACOB CHUCKLES)
LAURA: It's everything
I've ever wanted.
JACOB: I know.
That's why
I'm offering it to you.
-(LAURA CLICKS TONGUE)
-(DISSONANT CHORD PLAYING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAURA SNIFFLES)
(FLOOR THUDS)
(FLOOR THUDS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(FLOOR CREAKS)
(FLOOR THUDS)
Hello?
(MUSIC FADES)
(TRAFFIC WHOOSHING)
-(DOOR OPENS)
-MAZIE: Laura?
(LAURA GASPS)
MAZIE: Hello?
(KEYS JANGLING)
MAZIE: What did
you do last night?
-Uh, I read...
-MAZIE: Hmm.
...made soup.
Worked on the music
for House of Good Women...
-(MAZIE GASPS)
-...for a little bit.
-Oh, my God.
-My voice is...
I forgot to tell you.
Little Yale drama b*tch,
Taylor Gregory, would not
stop talking about going in
for Jacob last week.
I almost taped her mouth shut.
-Wait. What do you mean?
-It's like...
The show isn't even that good.
Finishing School for Girls,
written by a dude...
-Mazie, Mazie, Mazie, Mazie.
-...I'm literally asleep.
-Stop, stop.
-Yeah, what? What?
What do you mean
going in for Jacob?
Are the auditions out?
Yeah. Didn't you get one?
-No.
-Why are you practicing then?
Because I like to keep
my vocal cords warm.
-Aw, sh*t, Laura.
-Wait. Did you get one?
Yeah, but Ellyn Michaelson
is casting it,
and I don't f*ck with her.
Oh, my God, I can't.
I mean, I... I thought that
at the very least
he'd still...
Do... Do you think Jacob
still wants me in the show?
I mean...
You did just have surgery
a few weeks ago.
Maybe...
Maybe he thinks
you can't perform right now.
And...
Maybe you can't.
I mean... (SIGHS)
You still kind of
have cancer, right?
(CAR HONKING HORN)
I guess, I...
We're here.
I love you.
Give me a big, fat hug.
Oh, you're not...
-You're not coming with me?
-Mmm-mmm.
I can't. I gotta go to karate.
I love you so much.
-I love you.
-Call me after.
(LAURA SOBS)
(SNIFFLES)
Aren't you used
to this by now?
(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
-(RAIN PATTERING)
-(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAURA EXHALES)
(PHONE NOTIFICATION DINGS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(LAURA SOBS)
(SOBS)
(LINE RINGING)
No, no. No! (EXCLAIMS)
-(PHONE CLATTERS)
-(WINCES)
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
(ALARM BLARING)
(FLOOR THUDS)
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
(ALARM STOPS)
-(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
-(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)
(LOW GRUMBLING)
-(INDISTINCT CLATTERING)
-(LAURA BREATHING SHAKILY)
Hello?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)
-(LOW GRUMBLING)
(MUSIC CRESCENDOES, FADES)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)
(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(MOUSE SQUEAKS)
-(LAURA SHRIEKS, PANTS)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(SIGHS)
Oh, thank God.
-(EXHALES)
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(LOW GRUMBLING)
(INTIMIDATING MUSIC PLAYING)
(MONSTER GROWLS)
What's up?
(LAURA SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING
ON RECORD)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
MONSTER: Hey, stranger.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Wasn't sure
what kind of tea you drank.
Hope green's all right.
(LAURA SCREAMS)
(GASPS, SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
-You done?
-LAURA: (SOFTLY) Ah!
Great. Honestly... (CHUCKLES)
It's too bad you conked out.
I have this pretty neat
monster routine I do now.
I think you'd find it to be,
um, (CLICKS TONGUE) very,
well, scary.
(CHUCKLES)
You don't remember me?
At all?
1994? Tropical Storm Beryl?
Your mom was out late.
Shocker.
You freaked out
and saw me under the bed.
-No?
-What? What is happening?
Okay? A little offensive.
What about '01?
You got in trouble?
Opened the closet.
We bumped into each other.
Right? My beard was
a little patchier
in my tween years.
Nothing?
Okay. Oh!
That, uh,
that musical theater kid.
What was his name again?
-Benji?-Benji!
Should've eaten
that little m*therf*cker.
You're a real temptress,
-you know that?
-(YOUNG LAURA THUDS ON FLOOR)
-(MONSTER GROWLS)
-(BENJI SCREAMING)
(YOUNG LAURA GASPS)
MONSTER: But I was young.
Can't be too hard on myself.
LAURA: This can't be real.
This isn't real.
Are you gonna hurt me?
(CLICKS TONGUE) I don't know.
Do you want me to hurt you?
(SOFTLY) No.
Then, what do you want?
So. (CHUCKLES)
I'm not really
a roommates guy.
Uh, after you moved out,
and your mom started
travelling,
doing all that spa sh*t.
I kinda, actually, realized
I prefer living alone.
But then, tonight,
you saw me, I saw you,
and then you were
on the floor,
and I can't just leave you
lying there like that.
I mean, I'm a monster,
but I'm not...
a monster, you know.
Anyway, I thought
about our situation,
and here's what I think
we should do.
Do you mind?
I think we both
take the night.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Rest, regroup.
Then tomorrow, you get up,
you have your coffee,
you, uh, you pack
your sh*t up,
-and get out!
-(LAURA SCREAMS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
But I... I can't leave,
this is my house.
Well, it's my house now.
But I have nowhere else to go.
I wasn't asking.
(MONSTER INHALES DEEPLY,
EXHALES)
(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
-All right.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just that
I'm talking to a monster.
And... And...
And you're scary.
You're really freaking me out
right now.
-No, stop! Please stop.
-And I'm sad.
-I'm really, really sad.
-(MONSTER SCOFFS)
I just need you out
of the f*cking house.
-LAURA: I'm so sad! (CRIES)
-I need you out of the house.
It's a... Fine!
-Fine!
-(LAURA STOPS CRYING)
(MONSTER SIGHS)
Okay, two weeks.
You got two weeks.
-Two weeks?
-Yeah.
After that, you're outta here.
You pack your bags,
you hit the f*cking pavement.
And you know what else?
While you're here,
you follow my rules. Okay?
Number one,
don't get in my way.
Number two,
don't tell me what to do.
And number three,
if you tell anyone about me,
I'll rip your
f*cking throat out.
(SIGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(MONSTER GROWLS)
-(LAURA SCREAMS)
(YELPS)
Yeah, you better run.
(LAURA GRUNTING)
-Still got it. Still got it!
-(MID-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)
I won't be far behind
(LAURA GASPS)
-(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
-Hey.
Hey!
Hide and you're
probably found
It makes no difference
What you say
You can never get away
From me
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
(WHIRRING STOPS)
(SWITCH CLICKING)
MONSTER: That's enough.
For the love of God.
Play a different song.
Play a different song!
I'm so annoyed!
I'm so annoyed right now.
(GRUNTING)
I had to do that.
Monster?
You can never get away
What'd I say?
(MONSTER GRUNTS)
(THERMOSTAT CRACKS)
MAN 1: (OVER TV)
Yeah, I know.
I've been through this before.
She's everything
you've ever dreamed of.
(CONVERSATION CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
(MONSTER SNIFFING)
(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
-Hello.
-MONSTER: Hello.
MAN 2: All right.
(MONSTER INHALES SHARPLY)
Can I help you?
MONSTER: No, I'm just
looking for something to read.
Is that a problem with you?
No, it's not a problem
with me at all. It's just...
MONSTER: Mmm. (CHUCKLES)
WOMAN: You didn't write
very often.
Little books.
weren't very interesting
so I tore them up.
It's cute.
WOMAN: A lady doesn't
correspond...
Sesame chicken?
-Yeah.
-Shun Lee?
-Yeah.
-Cool. It's a good spot.
Oh, look, little dog.
(CHUCKLES)
Lots of little things.
-Are you hungry?
-MONSTER: No.
MAN 2: Well, you're right.
I already ate.
So you don't want
any sesame chicken?
If I wanted sesame chicken,
I'd eat some sesame chicken.
That's odd,
'cause you keep looking
at the sesame chicken.
I don't keep looking
at the sesame chicken.
You keep looking
at the sesame chicken.
-Let me just make you a plate.
-I don't want a plate.
-I ordered too much, anyway.
-Sure, give me the extra food.
-Let me just make you a plate.
-Dying to feed me...
-Take some chicken, and...
-...your sesame chicken.
-let's stop talking about it.
-Just give it to me.
Just hand it to me! Mmm.
Mmm.
MAN 2: From the very first
moment I saw you...
(MONSTER BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GROWLS)
Ha!
Can you order some more?
(MAN 3 SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
MONSTER: Mmm.
The ratio of pork to dough
is a little off.
But I like the taste,
generally.
-You're dripping on yourself.
-MONSTER: Oh.
Look at that. Oops!
Oh, what? Wait.
-(MAN ON TV GRUNTING)
-(MONSTER CHUCKLES)
This supposed
to be a documentary?
Well, clearly not.
He's doing it all wrong.
Strike down, not across.
You're flailing, man.
-(CHANNEL CHANGES)
-Hey, I was watching that.
Oh, my God!
Best movie ever made.
The music it... (SIGHS)
always makes me wanna cry.
-No.
-Give it to me.
-Give me that.
-No!
(GRUNTS) Give me the remote.
-(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(MAN GROANING)
(MONSTER LAUGHS)
LAURA: Fine, I'm going to bed.
MONSTER: Oh, come on.
Just gonna
give up that easily.
-LAURA: Mmm-hmm.
-Fine!
(REMOTE CLICKS)
(MONSTER SIGHS)
They didn't have to go
to all this trouble.
A small wedding would
have been all right.
(LAURA SOBS)
(SIGHS) They really don't make
movies like this anymore.
(SIGHS) Every time. (SNIFFLES)
Every time, it makes me cry.
(MONSTER SNIFFLES)
(SOBS)
(SNIFFLES)
Yeah, I liked it.
-Are you crying?
-No. I'm not crying.
-You're crying.
-I know I'm crying.
I mean, I'm obviously
not crying. (VOICE BREAKS)
Are you f*cking blind?
My eyes are dry
and you're crying.
(SOBS) The movie was
just fine, okay?
(CHUCKLES) You love musicals.
-No, I don't. Stop.
-(CHUCKLES) Yes, you do.
-This is some bullshit!
-(LAUGHING)
(SOBS) I don't wanna
feel this way.
(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAURA HUMMING)
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
-(PLEASANT MUSIC STOPS)
-(GASPS) sh*t.
-Hello.
-(LAURA SIGHS)
Don't sneak up
on me like that.
Come on, you're fine.
You going somewhere?
No.
-MONSTER: Hmm.
-(OBJECT CLATTERING)
What are you reading?
A script.
Cool, who... who wrote it?
This guy... friend... I know.
Oh, a guy named
Jacob Sullivan.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Very interesting.
Actually, yes,
it is interesting
because I am contemplating,
maybe, showing up
to the auditions today.
-MONSTER: Oh!
-Maybe.
Is this the show
you were telling me about?
The one you developed
with him?
Yes. No!
I did not develop it with him.
I was just very helpful
in the development process.
Yeah, those two sentences mean
the exact same thing.
It'd probably be weird
for me to just show up, right?
I mean, what would
I say to him?
Like, "Oh, give me the role
because you feel bad for me?"
You could.
Or I could threaten to eat him
if that would help.
I mean, I could eat him.
It would literally take me,
-like, two seconds.
-(LAURA MUMBLES)
He broke up with me.
I mean, why would he...
why would he want me
in the show
if he broke up with me.
Uh, because you're good.
Because it's
your f*cking part.
(SIGHS) I don't even have
an appointment.
-They're not gonna let me in.
-Okay.
And I can't do
a musical right now.
Look at me.
I just had surgery.
-So?-So?
-Look at me!
-I'm looking at you.
-Look!
-Uh, from this angle
I can see your back
and your face simultaneously.
That's how much
I'm looking at you.
-I'm a mess!
-No, you're not.
-I'm a disaster.
-Ugh!
(SIGHS) Okay. Don't go.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, I am here
for the audition.
Yes, so is everyone.
Right. (SIGHS)
Bye, diva. What part
are you reading for?
-Uh, Laurie Francis.
-SCOTTY: Okay.
Uh, I actually don't
have an appointment.
(LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS) Um,
you cannot audition
-without an appointment.
-I... I know.
I... I just thought
maybe you could.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I know,
I'm sorry you thought that,
but I can't help you.
I'm so sorry.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Wait.
Why do you look
so familiar to me?
Well, I...
I actually played Laurie
in a few of the workshops
-in the out-of-town tryouts.
-Oh, my God, right, yes.
Yes. Oh, my God.
I remember now.
You were so good.
-Why didn't they...
-Thank you.
...just offer it to you.
Aren't you and Jacob,
like, dating?
Oh, well, that...
It was, um...
-SCOTTY: Ooh!
-Actually, we're...
-It's a little bit...
-You guys broke up. Got it.
Say no more, okay.
Um, here's what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna squeeze you in.
Don't tell anyone.
Just, um, take a seat
and we'll call your name
in a little bit, okay?
Thank you so much.
-That's so nice.
-This business is hell.
-(CHUCKLES)
-(LAURA SIGHS)
Oh, my!
That's Jackie Dennon.
-I love her. (CHUCKLES)
-(WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, my God!
She's like... (SHRIEKS)
Oh, my God. (SHRIEKS)
Oh, my God.
Jackie, hey.
ELLYN: Oh, Scotty.
You can cross Sarah Mann
and Ari Grace off the list.
Oh, is that
a Ms. Jackie Dennon I see?
(ELLYN AND JACKIE SHRIEKING)
-(ELLYN LAUGHING)
-JACKIE: Hi! Mmm.
ELLYN: Oh, my goodness!
I keep forgetting
-how gorgeous you are.
-Wait, look at you.
-Oh, thank you.
-What are you doing?
Can I have the number
of the doctor?
-Oh, stop!
-(SCOTTY LAUGHING)
-(JACKIE MUMBLES)
-I'm so glad you're here.
-JACKIE: Yeah, yeah.
-Scotty, who do I have next?
Uh... Uh, you have,
uh, Laura Franco.
Okay, Laura, follow me.
This one won't take long.
Okay, yeah. No rush.
-Bye.-Bye.
Uh, come on, Lisa.
MAN: (LAUGHING)
Are you kidding me?
I think about that
all the time.
ELLYN: We have
Laura Franco stepping in.
Oh, sh*t.
-Hi.
-JACOB: Laura.
Wh... What are you doing here?
Oh, I was... I was
in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd pop in.
What a surprise.
I'm... happy... to see you.
Uh, you two know each other?
-Yeah.
-JACOB: No.
Yes.
-ELLYN: Oh.
-I'm kidding.
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-That's funny.
Yes. Okay. Great.
-Yeah.
-ELLYN: Um, okay.
-Okay.
-Well, we have,
uh, Jacob Sullivan,
our celebrated director
and writer here,
who you apparently
already know.
And a few members
of our creative team.
Okay?
Nice to see you... Meet you.
Yeah. Okay.
Whenever you're ready.
-LAURA: Okay.
-Thanks.
(EXHALES)
(PLAYING PIANO)
(CUE PLAYS, PIANO STOPS)
Oh, that's, uh, that's it?
Just two bars?
Okay. Got it. Sorry.
Let's do it, yeah.
(LAURA EXHALES)
(PIANO PLAYING)
(PAPER BAG RUSTLING)
(VOICE CRACKS) Hi
Hello, lovely to meet
You put up your feet
Do you feel the heat?
True, maybe that...
Sorry, um...
Uh, can I... I can do
better than that.
-(SOFTLY) That looks good.
-LAURA: Can I...
-take it one more time?
-Mmm, yeah.
(INHALES) Hi
Hello, lovely to meet
You put up your feet
Do you feel the heat?
True, maybe this isn't
The right way
But please spend the night
Maybe we could find out
(ELLYN SIGHS)
And allay any doubt
This is it
(COUGHS)
Enchant
Sorry. Okay. One more time.
I promise.
Maestro, from the top.
-(EXHALES)
-(PIANO PLAYING)
I don't know what happened.
I... I...
I completely blacked out.
My voice closed up
and I was... I was doing
this, like, weird thing
with my hand.
And... And... Oh, my God!
Ugh! I probably looked
like I had no idea
-what I was doing.
-MONSTER: Oh, give me a break.
-You know what you're doing.
-No.
Clearly, I don't.
'Cause I just...
I just messed it all up.
I can't believe it. I failed.
I failed. And now...
And now my life is over.
It's... It's done.
But, whatever.
'Cause I'm probably not
really that talented anyway.
Hey, you know
who's super talented?
Like a really good actor?
(LAURA SIGHS)
Who?
Me!
-(CHUCKLES)
-LAURA: You're not an actor.
-Yes, I am.
-No, you're not.
Yeah, I'll prove it to ya.
I'll... I'll do a sonnet.
-What?
-Oh, no, no, no.
I wanna. Uh, I wanna do
something more modern,
like some, uh, Eugene O'Neill,
or Sam Shepard.
-Uh, I'm not in the mood.
-You're not in the mood
for one of the great
American playwrights? Okay.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
I can sing, too.
-No, you can't.
-Yes, I can.
-No, you can't.
-Five, six, seven...
(GLOOMY MUSIC PLAYING)
-(GLASS CRACKLING)
-Good?
Not terrible.
Okay, here we go.
How about Comedy of Errors?
No, I don't do Shakespeare.
What? Willy's the best.
-Willy?
-That's what I call him.
Look, I... I'm just
not that kind of actor.
I mean, I love the plays.
I studied them,
but I just... I'm...
I'm not classically trained
or whatever.
Well, you don't need
to be classically trained
to do this.
There's no subtext
in these plays.
It's all just right there
on the page.
-Mmm-hmm.
-You don't have to think.
You just...
feel your way
through the words.
LAURA: Really?
Okay, Laurence Olivier.
Show me how it's done.
I will.
Thank you for the floor.
Oh, I know
which one you should do.
MONSTER: All right.
(CLEARS THROAT) Whoo!
Here.
Okay, sure. Uh, give me some,
uh, give me some
context for that.
Okay, SparkNotes.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Uh...
This is basically this guy
telling this girl
that he loves her,
but it's confusing.
There's too much stuff
in the way.
That's correct. That was
a test and you passed.
(SIGHS) Okay.
(MUMBLING)
-Yeah, great.
-Well, don't you need
-to look at it?
-"Sweet mistress,
"what your name is else,
I know not,
"nor by what wonder
-"you do hit of mine."
-(CHUCKLES) Why are you
-talking like that?
-Why are you laughing at me?
-I'm projecting.
-Okay.
You don't need to do that.
It's just you and me,
speak like a regular person.
-Oh, you know what I mean.
-(CHUCKLES) Wow!
You know what I mean.
Okay, okay. Great, fine.
Back to one.
All right. Ooh! I'm nervous.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"Sweet mistress,
"what your name is else,
I know not,
"Nor by what wonder
you do hit of mine,
"Less in your knowledge
and your grace you show not,
"Than our earth's wonder;
"more than earth divine.
"Teach me, dear creature,
how to think and speak:
"Lay open
to my earthly-gross conceit;
"Smother'd in errors,
feeble, shallow, weak,
"The folded meaning
of your words' deceit."
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
"Are you a god? would you
create me new?
"Transform me then,
and to your power I'll yield.
"Sing, siren, for thyself
and I will dote:
"Spread o'er the silver waves
thy golden hairs,
"And as a bed I'll take thee
and there lie;
"And, in that
glorious supposition think
"He gains by death that
hath such means to die:
"Let Love, being light,
"be drowned if she sink!"
(READING GLASSES THUD)
That was good.
Thanks.
Ah. (GRUNTS)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
sh*t, it's Jacob.
Tell him to go f*ck himself,
we're acting.
What? No. I should.
Well, tell him
he's a limp d*ck,
-f*ck face.
-Monster.
-I should take this.
-Come on. No, no, no.
Tell him his play
is problematic
and riddled with clichs. Hey!
-Jacob? Hi!
-JACOB: (OVER PHONE) Hi.
-Hi! Oh, sh*t.
-JACOB: Busy?
-Hi! (CHUCKLES)
-JACOB: Hi.
-Hi. (LAUGHS)
-JACOB: I...
I wanted to call
to check in about today.
-That's... That's nice of you.
-JACOB: But, um...
(CLICKS TONGUE) I'm just
gonna come out and say it.
I know you really wanted
to play Laurie Francis
I really wanted you
to play her too.
-I mean, I wrote it...
-I didn't get it, did I?
I'm sorry.
LAURA: Don't be.
Um...
So, um, so, who got the role?
JACOB: Do you know who...
Jackie Dennon...
-is? -Yeah.
Yeah, I know who she is.
She's... She's good.
JACOB: Yeah, she is.
Uh, and she didn't audition,
but Mazie's making
a name for herself these days.
So, I... Uh, we,
the team offered her,
uh, one of
the supporting roles.
Oh.
Well, uh...
I was thinking,
uh, you know, you could
understudy Jackie,
since you know
the role so well.
-Oh.
-I should add that
the understudy would also be
a part of the ensemble.
Um...
I know that's probably not
something you're
interested in.
-But...
-I'll do it.
Yep.
I'm... I'm so happy
to hear that.
Uh...
I actually have to go.
-Have a good one.
-Yeah.
-JACOB: I'll see you soon.
-(HESITATES)
-Yeah, see you soon.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Bye, bye.
-(LINE DISCONNECTS)
MONSTER: "To bait fish withal:
"if it will feed nothing else
it will feed my revenge."
(CELL PHONE CLATTERS
ON COUNTER)
(LAURA EXHALES)
Hello?
Mmm. What are you doing?
Nothing.
That pie is old.
Still tastes
pretty good to me.
How'd the call go?
What did old dumb-dumb
have to say?
-(FORK CLATTERS ON COUNTER)
-(MONSTER SNIFFS)
He gave the part
to Jackie Dennon.
Oh, f*ck. She's good.
-Just doesn't make any sense.
-I watched that show.
Did you see
the finale last year?
When she...
I get emotional
just thinking about it.
He hates famous people.
Yeah, she's
also very talented.
LAURA: Oh, my God!
-Oh!
-MONSTER: Are you okay?
I just... I feel...
Uh, I feel... I... (SIGHS)
-MONSTER: What... you feel...
-Uh.
I don't... I... I don't know.
This doesn't feel good.
Yeah, you look
a little sweaty, too.
-Are you gonna throw up?
-Ah, yeah.
-MONSTER: Yeah.
-Yeah, I really feel that.
-MONSTER: Okay.
-So stupid.
-What are you doing?
-(MONSTER INHALES)
-LAURA: No, no, no!
-(SHATTERING)
-Those are my mother's.
-Even better.
Monster, don't!
(SHATTERING)
(MONSTER LAUGHS)
-What is wrong with you?
-Your turn.
Laura, try one.
Trust me. You'll feel better.
Stop holding it in.
Do it.
Come on! Come on!
Yeah! How'd that feel?
-Actually felt good.
-Feels pretty good, huh?
-LAURA: Yeah.
-Here do another one.
Give me another one. Okay.
MONSTER: Oh, yeah!
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Oh, my God!
MONSTER:
Look at you being bad.
(GROWLS)
-You're in trouble.
-Whoa! sh*t.
Oh, it's on now.
-(MONSTER GRUNTS)
-(LAURA YELLS, LAUGHS)
No, no, no. This is my side.
Take the other side.
(GASPS)
(MONSTER YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
(BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
-(LAURA LAUGHING)
-(MONSTER GRUNTING)
-(BOTH SIGHING)
-You're a mess.
You're a mess.
Two weeks have gone by fast.
Really? Been two weeks?
Yep.
I guess, uh, that's my time.
I should... get out.
-Pack my sh*t.
-Yeah, yeah.
-I remember it all.
-Hit the pavement.
I remember
those things that I said.
Thank you for reminding me.
Uh-huh. So...
-I better get on that.
-Yep.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Stay.
I mean, only,
only if you want to.
Okay.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MAN GRUNTING)
(WOMAN COUGHS)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
I'm sorry. I just...
Is anybody sitting here?
Yeah. No! No!
-I mean, no! Uh...
-Yes?
-That's you. You are.
-Oh, okay. Great.
That's who's sitting there.
-Hi, I'm Jackie.
-I'm Laurie.
-Oh!
-Oh, sorry.
-(BOTH CHUCKLING)
-Uh, I'm... I'm Laura.
-Not Laurie. You're Laurie.
-JACKIE: Nice to meet you.
-It's so nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
I know who you are.
(SIGHS) Can I ask
you a question?
-Uh, yeah.
-Does my hair look insane?
It's like so windy outside.
Um, yeah.
-JACKIE: It does?
-It looks insane.
-Oh, no. It does?
-Insanely good.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
-(LAURA CHUCKLES)
-JACKIE: That's funny.
You look flawless.
-(CLEARS THROAT)
-MAZIE: Shabbat Shalom,
f*ck!
-LAURA: Hey.
-Hi.
-I texted you.
-Sorry.
Look, it's famed director
Jacob Sullivan.
Gonna behave
yourself today, Mazie?
MAZIE: Are you?
Hi, Laura.
-Hey.
-JACKIE: Hi. (CHUCKLES)
DON: Don McBride.
Stage Manager.
I'll be managing...
You know what
I'm managing.
-Reading starts in five...
-(JACOB CLEARS THROAT)
Five, five!
"We cannot all succeed,
"when half of us
are held back."
Malala Yousafzai.
Thought I'd start
with a quote.
(PEN THUDS ON SCRIPT)
Hello and welcome to the
first rehearsal
of House of Good Women.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
This piece, as stated
in the title is, um,
a love letter to women.
It's an acknowledgement.
An acknowledgement
of the terrible burden
that society places on women.
And a...
tribute to the strength,
and the courage
that women use
to overcome that oppression.
But, uh, before we get started
on the read-through,
I want to introduce
our leading lady.
The incandescent,
the brilliant Jackie Dennon,
-as Laurie Francis.
-(ALL APPLAUDING)
Thank you, Jackie,
for being here.
(CAST CHEERING)
-All right.
-(DOCTOR LOVE PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Any kind of lovesick blues
Don't see just any doctor
Here is the one to choose
I can give you...
You haven't followed
our rules, Laurie.
I know, Headmaster.
WILL: There are certain...
ways to behave.
That you can think of
I'm Doctor Love
He's Doctor Love
JACOB: Wonderful.
Thank you all so much.
Don't forget to send
your, uh, conflict dates
to Don.
Oh, and more importantly,
the theater is having
a Halloween party here
on Saturday,
and we're all invited.
ACTOR 1: Oh, yay!
WILL: Ooh, fun. Cast bonding.
Hey, uh,
I'll meet you outside.
I can bring, like,
10, 20 people.
What?
WILL: Hey, it's
a masterpiece, bro.
-Hey.-Hey.
-Uh, your first table read.
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
-How do you feel?
-Thanks. Yeah, it's surreal.
You're doing great, already.
-Not that I need to tell you.
-Oh, thank you.
-Um...
-Um, hey, I was...
I was hoping we'd find
a chance to...
JACKIE: Hey, Jacob.
-Oh, sorry.
-No, no, no.
-I didn't mean to interrupt.
-You're okay.
Just wondering if I could
snag you for a quick second.
Uh, yeah. Sorry.
-Being snagged.
-LAURA: Yeah, yeah.
Uh, but maybe we can talk
on Saturday?
You gonna go?
Maybe we'll be there,
maybe we won't.
Hey, Don, we're gonna steal
some costumes.
-Not allowed.
-MAZIE: Yes, we are.
-(HANGERS CLATTERING)
-Wait,
what were you last year
for Halloween again?
LAURA: Eleanor Roosevelt.
Oof! And the year before that?
LAURA: Abraham Lincoln.
MAZIE: Ugh! God, Laura.
(GASPS) Ooh, I think
you should bring a date.
LAURA: No, I don't think
I'm ready for that.
MAZIE: Yeah, well,
I'm bringing one.
He's this weird guy that
I met at karate last week.
He's, kind of, like, stressed,
but I like it.
-What do you think?
-Oh, my God. No.
What?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(LAURA SIGHS)
No solicitations please.
Ha, ha, very funny.
What's happening?
Um...
You got any plans tonight?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Wouldn't you like to know?
(CLEARS THROAT)
No, I have no plans.
-What's up?
-Well...
There's this Halloween party
at the theatre.
-MONSTER: Hmm.
-And I was thinking...
Since you're already dressed
for the occasion,
that maybe you'd like
to come with me.
Are you asking me
out on a date?
No.
No.
Well, I'm not gonna
leave the house.
Why not?
Because I'm a monster,
for one thing, and also,
I don't wanna hang out
with your ex-boyfriend
and a bunch
of musical theatre dorks.
Well, I'm
a musical theatre dork.
Why don't you just stay here?
-(SIGHS)
-It'll be fun.
We can f*ck around
with trick-o-treaters
all night.
Well, our whole cast is
going so...
-Oh, well, in that case.
-Please.
Limp d*ck, f*ck face
has enough friends.
-Stop calling him that.
-What are you gonna do?
Kiss his a*s all night
and then come home
and throw a pity party
for yourself?
I'm not gonna come home
and throw myself a pity party.
Yeah, right.
-Please.
-I said no.
-Fine!-Fine.
-Fine.-Fine!
-I'll go alone.
-Yeah, you do that.
Well, you can...
Can you get out of my room?
'Cause I need to change.
I was gonna
make a salad anyway.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi.
Hi.
You look, um...
What?
-Is it too much?
-No.
You look nice.
Thank you.
-Um, you know you could...
-MONSTER: Hmm?
-...still.
-MONSTER: I should probably...
-Probably just...
-Yeah, right.
Uh, well, have a good night.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
DON: Laura.
Merry Christmas!
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
-DON: That's just a joke.
Happy Halloween. (CHUCKLES)
-It's Don.
-Yeah, I know.
You look great, Don.
I really... I really like
your costume.
-Really?-Yeah.
-Yeah?-Uh...
Yeah.
Good costume to you, too.
She doesn't wanna
talk to you, Don.
Excuse me.
Laura.
Wow.
Wow, to you too, my liege.
You look great.
-Hi!-Jackie.
Wow, your costume is lit.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You look so beautiful.
-You really do.
-LAURA: Oh, oh. Thank you.
-So do you.
-Oh, thanks.
Equally, equally as beautiful.
Um... Should we...
Do you guys want a drink?
I'll get us drinks.
-You get a beer.
-(JACOB CHUCKLES)
You get a beer.
I'll be right back.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
Well, you two seem like
you're friends now.
-That's great.
-Yeah, we actually,
we grabbed a bite
before, uh, before the party.
A bite?
Oh, fun.
Yeah, yeah. I... I like her.
Um, I did... I did wanna say
-to you...
-JACKIE: Okay, guys.
-Two beers for new pals.
-Oh, awesome.
-Cheers.
-JACKIE: Happy Halloween.
JACOB: Happy Halloween.
LAURA: Happy, happy, happy.
(JACOB CHUCKLES)
-(PEOPLE CHEERING)
-(DOO-WOP SONG PLAYING)
CHORUS: Who are you?
MAN: I am the voodoo man
CHORUS: Who are you?
MAN: I am the voodoo man
I'm gonna cast
A spell on you
Well, who am I?
CHORUS: The Voodoo man
MAN: Well, who am I?
CHORUS: The Voodoo man
MAN: Yes, who am I?
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
And turn it
To a head of you
Kiss your pretty lips
(MUFFLED) Then you'll know
What I'm gonna do
(ROCK N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)
(JACKIE LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
-You came.
-I did.
What are you?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
I'm a business monster.
Are you having fun?
I'm having
a terrible time, actually.
Hmm. That's too bad.
Should we take it out
on the dance floor?
(YOUR PRECIOUS LOVE
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
Every day
There's something new
CHORUS: Ooh, ooh
Ooh, baby
MAN: Honey
To keep me loving you
And with every
Passing minute
Oh, baby
So much joy wrapped up in it
TOGETHER:
Oh, oh, oh
Heaven must have
Sent you from above
Oh, oh, oh
Heaven must have
Sent your precious love
WOMAN: And now,
I've got a song to sing
Telling the world
About the joy you bring
And you gave me
A reason for living
And ooh, you taught me
TOGETHER:
Oh, oh, oh
Heaven must have
Sent you from above
Oh, oh, oh
Heaven must have
Sent your precious love
WOMAN:
Oh
MAN: To find
A love like yours
Is rare these days
'Cause you've shown me
What happiness is
In so many ways
Laughter in the eyes
Where tears used to be
MAN: What you've
Given me...
Should we get out of here?
(JACKIE CHUCKLES)
Yeah, uh...
I'm just... I'm gonna
use the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
(SONG ENDS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)
(JACOB BREATHING HEAVILY)
-f*ck, you're incredible.
-(WOMAN CHUCKLES)
(JACOB AND WOMAN
BREATHING HEAVILY)
Stay here.
(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
(OBJECTS THUD)
Hello?
-(INDISTINCT CREAKING)
-JACOB: Is someone there?
-(MONSTER GROWLS)
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)
-(TRAP DOOR CLANKS)
-(JACOB YELLS)
(THUDS, YELLS)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING FADES)
Of course. Of course,
he wants to be with her.
I knew it. Of course he does.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Do you think he saw us?
Do you think he saw me?
Do you think he saw us?
Who cares if he saw us?
I feel bad.
(SIGHS) I feel so bad.
-I feel really bad.
-MONSTER: Stop feeling bad.
Why? Why did you have
to hurt him like that?
Because he hurt you!
But, I... But I'm fine.
I'm okay. It's okay.
I'm not an idiot.
She's famous.
She's more talented than me.
She's more beautiful than me.
We're not together anymore.
He doesn't owe me anything.
He doesn't owe me anything.
-LAURA: It's okay.
-I disagree!
I think it's
specifically not okay.
That prick broke up
with you when you were
in the hospital,
-right after you had surgery.
-Well...
He... He f*cking
abandoned you.
And he doesn't
owe you anything?
What... What the hell are you
actually talking about?
-Well, I'm talking about...
-And the musical?
What about the musical?
He wrote a role for you.
Yeah? He told you
it was yours.
That he's gonna make
all your dreams come true.
Is that what he said?
And then a moment later,
it got kind of tough, huh?
And he took it
all away from you.
You did what
you always do here, Laura.
You supported.
Yeah. Look at me.
You supported him,
you listened,
did whatever he needed,
whenever he needed.
And what he did?
Huh? Taking it all
away from you,
just to avoid facing you?
That's not okay.
-But it is okay.
-That's not okay.
-It has to be okay.
-It doesn't have to be okay.
-It has to be okay.
-It doesn't have to be okay.
-Yes, it does. Yes, it does.
-No, it doesn't.
It's not okay.
Laura, it's not okay.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)
It's not.
It's just not.
It's not okay.
-(SOFTLY) It's not okay?
-It's not okay.
It's... (VOICE BREAKS)
(SOBS) It's not okay.
It's not okay.
It's not okay. (CRIES)
-It's not okay.
-No.
It's not okay. (CRYING)
It's not okay!
(YELLING) It's not okay.
It's not okay.
(SCREAMS) It's not okay.
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
(IF I HAD YOU
BY JIMMY DURANTE PLAYING)
(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)
(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)
(MONSTER AND LAURA GRUNTING)
-(MONSTER GROWLS)
-(LAURA GRUNTS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(MONSTER GROWLS)
(LAURA GROWLS)
(MONSTER GROWLING SOFTLY)
(LAURA MOANING)
(LAURA GRUNTING)
(LAURA GRUNTS FURIOUSLY)
(MONSTER GROWLS)
Wow. (SIGHS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Seriously, wow.
-That was awesome.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
(WATER RUNNING)
(WATER STOPS)
(LAURA CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHING)
(PIANO PLAYING)
You got a lot
of tricks up your sleeve.
(CHUCKLES) Well,
I got a lot of downtime.
-Do you know this one?
-(PLAYING PIANO)
Yeah, I love this one.
Will you sing it for me?
-No.
-If you don't sing,
-I'm gonna sing.
-Okay.
(SCOFFS) Okay.
-Careful what you wish for.
-I can't wait.
I've been so many places
in my life and time
That's good.
I've sung a lot of songs
I've made some bad rhymes
-It's a little off.
-No.
I've acted out my life
in stages
With ten thousand people
watching
(LAUGHS) Come on.
But we're alone now
And I'm singing this song
-Thank you.
-For you
I know your image of me
Is what I hoped to be
I treated you unkindly
But darling, can't you see?
All right.
There's no one
more important to me
Okay.
Darling, can't you please
see through me?
'Cause we're alone now
And I'm singing
this song for you
Yeah, there it is.
You taught me
precious secrets
Of a truth
withholding nothing
You came out in front
when I was hiding
But now I'm so much better
And if my words
don't come together
Listen to the melody
'Cause my love
is in there hiding
I love you in a place
Where there's no space
or time
I love you for in my life
You are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember
when we were together
We were alone
And I was singing
this song for you
You taught me
precious secrets
Of a truth
withholding nothing
You came out in front
when I was hiding
But now I'm so much better
And if my words
don't come together
Listen to the melody
'Cause my love
is in there hiding
MONSTER: What are you
doing tomorrow?
Um, um, I'm getting
blood work done.
Um, hoping to get
some good news,
and then I have rehearsal,
but then... Why?
Do you wanna do something?
-Yeah.
-(MONSTER CHUCKLES)
Um, let's say 8:00?
Yeah, 8:00 is good.
-I like 8:00.
-Me, too.
Okay, I will...
see you at 8:00.
-Yeah, um...
-Okay.
-Goodnight.-Goodnight.
We were alone
And I was singing this song
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
For you
(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)
(BED SQUEAKING)
NURSE: Arm.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
You have difficult veins.
I have a difficult nurse.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
JACOB: What's that?
Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
Guys, what's going on?
Opening night is in two weeks.
Why aren't you in your places?
DON: Yeah, places.
What I always say.
Oh, hey. Aren't you,
um, stage left for this part?
Yeah, I know. Thanks.
Oh, I just didn't
wanna run into you.
Sorry. Um, wait. Hi.
What... (CHUCKLES)
What's her deal?
I don't know.
Maybe it's because you flirt
with her boyfriend.
(JACKIE CHUCKLES)
-What?
-Laura and Jacob.
Yeah.
They broke up
just a few months ago.
Oh, my God,
I literally had no idea.
Yeah, and you should
probably also know
that Jacob wrote Laurie
(WHISPERS) for Laura.
He wrote the... (GASPS)
Why didn't
anybody tell me that?
f*ck.
WILL: You haven't been
following the rules, Laurie.
I know, Headmaster.
There's a certain way
we behave.
I know, Headmaster.
And do you know what we do
with girls like you?
-Girls like me?
-WILL: Hmm.
What's wrong
with girls like me?
JACOB: Okay.
Black out, intermission, song.
Let's, uh, let's run
through it as an exercise.
-Keep it going.
-JACKIE: Okay.
Uh...
(SIGHS) What's wrong
with girls like me?
He didn't think there was
anything wrong with me.
When I met him,
he didn't think there was
anything wrong at all.
-I remember...
-(PIANO PLAYING)
I remember the first moment
I met him.
I remember I said...
-I said to him...
-(ACTORS SNAPPING FINGERS)
Hi
Hello, lovely to meet
Please have a seat
Coffee or tea
I have Darjeeling,
And green
I have a feeling
I've seen you before
That bright eyes
And that...
Sorry.
Fine, fine.
Smile
(PIANO STOPS)
-JACOB: Jackie, uh...
-Yes.
This is a girl who's
just been sent away
-from everything she knows.
-JACKIE: Mmm-hmm.
She's recounting
the genesis of a relationship
that nearly destroyed her.
She's about to break.
I need you to start somewhere.
Right now, it's like
happy birthday
at my mom's house.
I'm not getting anything.
-Okay?-Yeah.
(JACOB EXHALES)
(PAINO PLAYING)
(JACKIE CLEARS THROAT)
(ACTORS SNAPPING FINGERS)
Hi
Hello, lovely to meet
Please have a seat
Coffee or...
-Okay, no, no, no.
-(JACKIE CLEARS THROAT)
-Stop.-Sorry.
JACOB: It's still not
working for me.
-Yeah.
-Like, I, kind of, feel like
I lost you
in the last 24 hours.
I don't know where you're at.
And I don't wanna
have to say the same things
over and over again,
because if I do
then I feel like my language
no longer has...
-Yeah, yeah.
-...kind of any utility.
-You know what I mean?
-Jesus, lay off, Jacob.
What was that, Laura?
You got something to say?
No? While I have you,
you're too far forward.
I need you back.
Back, back, back, back.
The scene isn't about you.
Funny, it used to be.
(ACTORS GASP)
Not a good time for that.
Well, when would be
a good time for that,
Your Highness?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Maybe after rehearsal.
No, well, actually, no.
That's... That's not gonna
work for me.
I wanna talk
about it right now.
(HUSHED WHISPERS)
(WHISPERS) Laura,
you're embarrassing yourself.
(SCOFFS)
You're embarrassing yourself.
You think you...
(MIMICS JACOB)
Hi, I... I'm Jacob Sullivan.
I'm a pretentious douchebag.
I think my sh*t doesn't stink.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Well, guess what, Jacob!
I lived in the same apartment
as you for years,
and I smelled your sh*t,
and it doesn't smell good.
-It doesn't smell good.
-Take a break, Laura.
LAURA: Yeah, sure.
What else do you need? Oh!
(MIMICS JACOB)
Uh, I'm hungry, Laura.
Can you cook me some pasta?
Would you mind,
'cause I'm sitting
on the piano all day
and I just can go
plunk, plunk, plunk.
I'm useless.
I don't wanna do the laundry.
I don't want to do the dishes.
I don't want to do anything
because I'm God's gift
to the world,
because he can string
a few words together.
But you know what?
I can string
words together, too, Jacob.
You limp d*ck, f*ck face!
DON: All right,
she is letting it out.
-Laura, let's go outside.
-No, I don't wanna go outside.
-Why would I wanna go outside?
-MAZIE: Okay, okay.
-It's cold outside.
-Laura. Lower your voice.
(SHOUTING)
I will not lower my voice!
Don't tell me
to lower my voice!
You lower your voice!
You're disloyal,
narcissistic piece of sh*t!
as*h*le!
DON: Okey-dokey. All right.
Got a little hot here
in the kitchen.
Think it's time
to, uh, take five, everybody.
That's five. Five!
Thank you so much, everyone.
That's 10, Don.
Ha!
(MAZIE LAUGHING)
-What?-Nothing.
You think this is funny?
Yeah, I did. I thought
it was a little funny.
-Nothing about that was funny.
-MAZIE: (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Jacob's being an as*h*le.
He can't talk
to people like that.
Well, directors are assholes,
and sometimes they do
talk to people like that.
And dude, Jackie is...
f*ck. Butchering the part.
I don't blame him.
-Okay. (GRUNTS)
-(LAURA GRUNTS)
Everyone's hanging out,
can we go?
No, I'm not hanging out.
-Okay, then don't hang out.
-You're just gonna leave.
-Yeah.
-Why do you always do that?
God, you're
such a shitty friend.
-Shitty friend?
-A shitty friend.
After everything
I've done for you,
-that's how you talk to me?
-Oh, yes. Thank you.
Thank you so much, seriously,
for picking me up
from the hospital
and for doing
the bare minimum, always.
Thank you so much.
Sorry, do you have
any other friends,
any family, a boyfriend?
Hmm?
Don't push it, Laura.
Call me when you're you again.
This is me.
Good luck with that.
(SCRIPT THUDS ON FLOOR)
LAURA: Damn it!
We need to talk.
LAURA: We're talking
about my behavior?
Are you listening to yourself?
g*dd*mn it, Laura.
I didn't force you
to audition.
It was your choice to be here.
If you can't handle it
because of your own sh*t,
-that's on you.
-My own sh*t?
We're together
for five years
and now this is
just my own sh*t?
You offered me a role,
and then you tried
to cut me out.
-You tried to cut me out.
-We broke up.
We broke up.
It's hard for me
to be around you.
I don't wanna be around you.
I have to sit and watch
someone else play my role
that you wrote for me,
that I helped you build.
Because I workshopped
every single song,
and every single scene
in this show with you, Jacob.
I read every single iteration
and version
of your stupid book,
so you could hear it out loud.
You were my girlfriend.
You were my girlfriend.
Why did you offer me
the role, Jacob?
Why did you paint
the whole picture for me
if you were just gonna
take it all away?
Why?
Is it because
we were sleeping together?
Is the role of Laurie Francis
exclusively reserved...
-(JACOB SIGHS)
-...for the woman
that you're f*cking
at the moment? Is that it?
What are you talking about?
(CHUCKLES)
I saw you
at the Halloween party.
I saw you with Jackie.
I saw you
and I wish I didn't care.
I shouldn't care.
But, I still care.
For some reason, I do.
I can't help it.
And I still love you.
And I... (VOICE BREAKS)
I wish I didn't.
I hate myself for it.
And I hate that I have you
on this stupid pedestal,
and I can't stop
feeling this way.
And I don't want to anymore.
And I don't know how to stop.
And I just need you
to tell me.
How did you do it?
How, Jacob?
How did you stop loving me?
(SOBS)
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
How could you do that to me?
-(ZIPPER UNZIPS)
-(LAURA SIGHS)
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-(JACOB MOANS)
(SIGHS)
I spoke to the creative team.
This is so f*cked up.
You can't be in the show.
You're a liability.
I'm sorry.
(DOOR OPENS)
-LAURA: Monster?
-(DOOR CLOSES)
Sorry, I'm late.
(SIGHS)
Monster, are you in there?
(SOLITUDE BY EDDIE HEYWOOD
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
Whoa.
Laura.
What is this place?
MONSTER: It's, uh, well...
It's kinda where I live.
It's just, uh...
It's a mess right now.
Um...
It's... I need
to organize all this stuff.
But, uh, I don't know.
Uh, one man's trash
is another man's...
You get it. (SIGHING)
LAURA: Wow.
MONSTER: Yeah.
Rehearsal ran late?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry about that.
Everything okay?
Everything is fine.
Why do you ask?
Um, well, you're
not looking at me in the eye,
for one thing.
What?
Yes.
-Ah, I...
-You're not looking me
in the eye.
What's up there?
Um, it's...
I'm right here.
Yeah, ugh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry. I just had
a very shitty day.
Okay. What happened?
-I got fired.
-What? How?
I... might have had a...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...meltdown during rehearsal.
And... (SIGHS)
Then after that,
I... I fought with Mazie.
MONSTER: Uh-huh.
And, um...
-And then, um...
-(MONSTER SIGHS)
Well, Jacob, um,
wanted to talk with me
after rehearsal.
So I... stayed.
Um...
Yeah.
How did that talk go?
It wasn't...
It was, like, more like, um...
Did you guys...
kiss or something?
I'm sorry.
-MONSTER: Mmm.
-I'm so sorry.
-I'm so sorry.
-(MUSIC STOPS)
-(MONSTER GRUNTS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTER)
(OBJECTS CLINKING)
(LAURA SIGHING)
Why?
(SOFTLY) I don't know.
-Why would you do that?
-I don't know.
He doesn't love you.
He doesn't love you.
He never has.
That, no. That's...
-He doesn't love you.
-Don't say that.
-That's not true.
-It is true.
He doesn't love you the way
you deserve to be loved.
Oh, come on.
I deserve to be loved?
What do you know about
how I deserve to be loved?
I happen to know
a f*ck ton about it
if you looked around.
You don't know
anything about love.
You're a f*cking monster.
You've spent your whole life
hiding in here.
I wasn't hiding.
You shut me in here.
You didn't want anything
to do with me.
Of course, I didn't want
anything to do with you.
Look at you!
You're disgusting!
You're horrible!
And you ruined my life!
And you've stolen
all my socks!
You were never
gonna do anything
-with those f*cking socks.
-Yes, I was!
I needed those socks.
You know what?
Maybe I'm disgusting,
but if it wasn't for me,
you'd still be a pathetic,
weepy doormat,
crying in a corner,
playing the helpless victim,
letting the world trample
all over you.
Is that who you wanna be, huh?
-I'm leaving.
-You might as well
roll over and f*cking die.
-How can you say that to me?
-Look at yourself.
-How can you say that to me?
-Look at yourself, Laura.
-Laura, look at yourself.
-I am looking at myself.
Come on.
Laura!
-Come on.
-(BANGING ON DOOR)
Laura. (GROWLS)
-Come on, let me out.
-No!
-Go away!
-MONSTER: Let me out!
-Go away.
-Don't do this again.
Laura. (GROWLS)
Fine, you want me gone?
Fine.
I'm gone.
(LAURA BREATHES HEAVILY)
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm sorry.
Monster?
Monster.
Monster?
Monster, I'm sorry.
Monster, where are you?
I'm really sorry.
Please, come back.
Please.
(VOICE BREAKS)
Please don't leave me.
(CRYING)
Monster, please, don't...
Please, don't leave me.
Please, come back.
(SNIFFLES) I'm sorry.
(DOOR OPENS)
DR. KAUFFMAN:
Okay, I am so sorry
to have kept you waiting.
(SIGHS) Wow, Laura.
You are looking like
you're feeling much better.
I don't feel great.
Well, let me turn that
frown upside down.
(TAPPING ON TABLE)
You are cleared, young lady.
You...
You're cancer-free, kid.
That's good news.
What do I do now?
I don't know.
Call somebody. Go celebrate!
Hit the town!
Eat a jelly bean.
You want a jelly bean?
Take a hand...
(CLINKING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(HOUSE DOOR OPENS)
(WISTFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MEDICINE BOTTLES
CLATTER ON FLOOR)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
So, listen,
I just wanted to say,
thank you for sticking up
for me the other day.
(CAR HONKING HORN)
Um, and also...
I'm really, really sorry.
It's okay.
You don't have to be sorry.
No, I... I genuinely
didn't know that
-I was, like, stealing...
-Oh, no.
You weren't stealing him.
It's okay.
I mean, people hook up.
-It's fine.
-Wait, did you... I'm sorry.
Did you just say hook up?
Yeah. I mean, I saw you
and Jacob hooking up
at the Halloween party.
It's okay.
-Oh, my God!
-I don't care.
-No, no, no, no.
-It's over. Between us.
No, no. I've literally never
hooked up with Jacob.
Like not even close. Ever.
-But I saw you with him.
-No.
He just was
really flirty with me.
And I... I... I didn't
really know what to do
because he's my boss.
So I just was, kind of,
going along with it, but...
-Okay.
-The truth is, um,
I just really wanted
to check in on you,
'cause I didn't know
that you were sick,
or that you
and Jacob were together,
or had just broken up.
I didn't know any of that.
And then I found out
that he fired you.
-Yeah, well.
-Is he okay?
Like that's insane.
Laurie, Laura?
He shouldn't be able
to get away with this.
LAURA: He can.
And he will.
Unless...
-(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(WHISPERS) Laura,
don't make me regret this.
(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
(MUSIC CRESCENDOES)
JACOB: Is someone there?
(MAZIE BREATHING HEAVILY)
(MUSIC FADES)
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)
Laura? Laura, what are
you doing here?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We... We started spending
more time together
and I was waiting
for the right time to tell you
and you were sick.
And I was scared,
and he was scared.
(MUFFLED) And I know
it's really bad!
It's really f*cking bad!
(CONTINUES INAUDIBLY)
(MUFFLED) I'm such an idiot.
I'm really sorry. (CRYING)
-(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
-(MAZIE CONTINUES INAUDIBLY)
(SNIFFLES) Please, forgive me.
-LAURA: Mazie.
-Laura, please.
-I'm sorry, Laura, please.
-Get out of my room.
(SOBS) Okay, okay. Sorry.
(LAURA BREATHES HEAVILY)
(INDISTINCT, EXCITED CHATTER)
DON: Copy, okay.
That is a go for places.
Go for places.
Godspeed, Good Women.
Godspeed.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CURTAINS CLATTERING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING,
CHEERING)
(WHISTLING)
Laurie Francis,
welcome to Mr. Baker's
Finishing School for Girls.
We're glad to have you here.
We've been so looking
forward to your arrival.
How do you feel, Laurie?
Father said...
WILL: Yes?
(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Father said I haven't
been behaving the way
a girl should be behaving.
We three wanna
Be something
LAURA: I want to be better,
Headmaster Baker.
-I want to be.
-WILL: A good woman?
Well, you've come
to the right place.
There are only
a few things that I require.
We're in it
For the long run
But boy is it a long one
TOGETHER: Temptation,
You're a son of a g*n
Desire with a capital D
The carnal
With a capital C
The capital offenses
Against a feminine
Sensibility
N'est-ce pas?
You don't put fork
In the toaster slot
You don't dry
Your hair in the tub
Laurie, you haven't been
following the rules.
TOGETHER: So pray tell,
Little Miss Polka Dot
Whyya looking
For trouble
You know what we do
with girls like you.
TOGETHER: Whyya looking
For trouble
Girls like me?
TOGETHER: Wanna bellow
Wanna swear
Take a pillow
From that sofa over there
Apply it to the face
And scream real loud
And get it out
What's wrong
with girls like me?
(SCREAMS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
CHORUS: The vile
With a capital V
The dirty with a capital D
Those capital offenses
Against a feminine
Sensibility
Vraiment
You know to use a mitt
When the oven's hot
He didn't think there was
anything wrong with me.
Yes, yes, you
TOGETHER:
So pray tell...
He didn't think there was
anything wrong with me at all.
TOGETHER: So pray tell,
Little Miss Polka Dot
Whyya looking
For trouble
I remember...
Whyya looking
For trouble
Whyya looking
For trouble
I remember
the first moment we met.
TOGETHER:
You
LAURA: I remember I said...
I said to him.
-(CURTAINS CLATTERING)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
DON: That's intermission,
everybody.
-Laura!
-(DOOR SLAMS)
Where is she?
-(CLATTERS)-Laura!
WILL: What's going on?
Laura?
Anybody know how she got...
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
WILL: Everybody back here.
JACOB: Laura!
Out, everyone out. Out! Now.
You.
JACOB: (YELLING) Get out!
How long?
How long have you been
sleeping with Mazie?
(SQUEALS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Who cares?
You're actually talking
about that right now?
Laura, what are
you doing here?
Where the f*ck is Jackie?
You're doing
a completely different show
than what I've been rehearsing
for the past six weeks.
(GRUNTS) You are
destroying everything!
How is this happening?
How is... I can't...
How is this happening to me?
Laura. Laura, please tell me.
What can I do? What can I do
so that you don't f*ck up
my entire life?
You think
I'm f*cking up your life?
The New York Times is here.
The New York Times.
Jesse Green
is sitting in row J,
with a f*cking legal pad,
waiting to make me
critics pick!
-Wow, you're pathetic.
-(JACOB SIGHS)
It's opening night.
This is my opening night!
I don't give a f*ck
about your opening night,
Jacob. I don't care.
You are so jealous.
You've always been
so jealous of me.
God, you are
so f*cking selfish.
Watch what
you say to me, Jacob.
(JACOB CHUCKLES)
Or what?
Or what, Laura?
Or what?
Or...
I'll rip...
your f*cking...
throat...
out.
(LIGHT SWITCH THUDS)
(SILENCE)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(APPLAUSE FADES)
I remember.
(PIANO PLAYING)
The first moment we met.
I remember I said...
-I said to him.
-(FINGERS SNAPPING)
Hi
Hello, lovely to meet
Please have a seat
Coffee or tea
I have Darjeeling
And green
I have a feeling
I've seen you before
Those bright eyes
That brown hair
And that do-you-dare smile
Enchant
My stranger
Stay for a while
(DOOR CLATTERS)
(FINGERS SNAPPING)
Hi
Hello, lovely to meet
You put up your feet
Do you feel the heat?
True, maybe this isn't
The right way
But please spend
The night
Maybe we could find out
And allay any doubt
This is it
Enchant
My stranger
Stay for a bit
Stay for a touch
Say what you feel
Make it too much
I want this every
Which way
No need to rush
Stay for a touch
Stay for a tad
I wanna have,
Wanna be had
I've been too good
For too long
Time to be bad
-(MONSTER GRUNTING)
-(FLESH SQUELCHES)
'Cause this
Rip roaring heart's
Growing stronger
This rip roaring heart
Won't hold back any longer
Did I take that too far?
No longer
No longer
Monster...
Hi
Hello, give me your all
Set me aflame
Tear down the wall
Beautiful fate
Knew the score
Right when you
Bust through
(SOBS) You're here.
Hey, stranger.
Go back to before
(SOBBING) I thought
I'd lost you forever.
Lose me?
No.
You could
never lose me, Laura.
I'm your monster.
My stranger
Sweet stranger
My stranger
Lovely to meet you
(EXHALES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
Is this a part of the show?
I don't know,
but I'm so into it.
(AUDIENCE SHOUTING, CLAMORING)
(RULER CLATTERS)
(SHOUTING, CLAMORING
CONTINUES)
(PIANO PLAYING )
(MONSTER GROWLS)
(upbeat music)
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off, off
Off with your head
Off with your head
Play dead b*tch
You heard what I said b*tch
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off, off
Off with your head
Off with your head
Play dead b*tch
You heard what I said b*tch
Don't get it confused
b*tch, I'm not just anybody
I cut many bodies
Chop 'em like I know karate
I been known to
check a b*tch
Who been known to doubt me
Can't name the top five
Without talkin' bout me
Take a shot, sir
I don't mean paparazzi
Suicidal doors, yeah
On my whips, kamikaze
Pullin' out the lobby
Just to k*ll
That's my only hobby
If you a wave
Then I'm a f*ck' tsunami
One time for the
b*tches in the back
Yeah
Two times if they
don't know how to act
Yeah
Three times and you
know that it's a wrap
Yeah
Got a way with words, baby
I can give you that
But
Who else comin'
with a drip like this
Plus spit like a fully
loaded Draco clip
Bow down when you
talkin' to the queen
Get a grip
Man, I gave you b*tches life
And this the thanks I get
Youuuu
Think that you know
But don't stand too close
'Cause I might explode
Ah, ah
Youuuu
Must be confused
You wanna play games
But I wrote the rules
Ha, ha
God only knows the
things I could do
If you cross me
Then I'ma cross you
Youuuu
Yes, you
Keep pushing your luck
And you can find out
Real soon, boo
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off, off
Off with your head
Off with your head
Play dead b*tch
You heard what I said b*tch
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off, off
Off with your head
Off with your head
Play dead b*tch
You heard what I said b*tch
Use the plot
And it's your last mistake
You'll be modeling
cement boots
Bottom of a lake
You know I be fresh to death
Like every damn wake
See me bust down the roley
Put some diamonds
in your face
And this 24 karat chain
still heavy weight
Walked it up the roadway
You already late
No my number be the same
in every single state
It's 911
Catch me burnin'
up the place
So, say it loud for
the b*tches in the back
Yeah
Two times if they
don't know how to act
Yeah
Three times and you
know that it's a wrap
Yeah
Got a way words, baby
I can give you that
Who else comin' with
a drip like this
Plus spit like a fully
loaded Draco clip
Bow down when you
talkin' to the queen
Get a grip
Man, I gave you b*tches life
And this the thanks I get
Youuuu
Think that you know
But don't stand too close
Cause I might explode
Ah, ah
Youuuu
Much be confused
You wanna plays games
But I wrote the rules
Ha, ha
God only knows the
things I could do
If you cross me
Then I'ma cross you
Youuuu
Yes, you
Keep pushing your luck
And you can find out
Real soon, boo
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off, off
Off with your head
Off with your head
Play dead b*tch
You heard what I said b*tch
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off with your head
Off, off
Off with your head
Off with your head
Play dead b*tch
You heard what I said b*tch
(doo-wop music)
Oooh, oooh
Oooooh
Waaa
Oooh, oooh
Oooooooh, waaa
We broke up just a week ago
How my heart is breaking
He'll never know
Each night I cry
myself to sleep
I count my tears
and scattered sheep
I'll never stop loving you
But now I know what to do
I'll light a candle
And hope you'll see me
Guiding light,
shining bright
And come back to me
Oooh, waaa
(doo-wop music)
I'll light a candle
I'll say a prayer
It's one thing
that cheers me
I know someone hears me
Way up there
I'll light a candle
And hope you'll see me
Guiding light,
shining bright
And darling, please
come back to me
Ohhh
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Your Monster (2024)
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