- Are you kidding?
- Is that what they said?
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
I'll let you know
how it turns out, Amy...
if I live to tell about it.
- What'll I do?
- Well, I don't know, about what?
The word on the grapevine
is that Danny Ferguson
is gonna ask me out.
Well, that's terrific!
You said that all the girls
in school were after him.
Yes! Jennifer Mandel beat up
her sister just to get
a date with him.
This would be the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me.
Except for one problem.
Yeah. All right, okay.
You let me take care of Archie
and you'll have your date
with Danny.
Thanks, Billie.
I just realized,
I've got a bigger problem.
There is no bigger problem.
Compared to Danny,
I'm just a kid.
I mean, he's so cool,
so sophisticated, so grown-up.
Well, how much older is he?
A whole year.
Oh, a May-December romance.
Just think, when you're 50,
he'll be 51.
Come on, be serious.
I am serious. Okay,
I'll give you a few pointers.
Okay, now.
Okay, um...
Let's say we're going
out to eat. I'll be Danny.
- Who will I be?
- You'll be you.
- Oh, I get it.
- Okay, come.
He says...
"So, what would you like,
Stephanie?"
Hamburger will be fine.
- That's not cool.
- Cheeseburger?
You've got to ask him
what he recommends.
Men love to think
they're experts at everything.
I get it. Then what?
Okay, well, now I've ordered
for both of us.
So now we'll just sit back
and talk.
So, Stephanie,
what'd you do today?
Oh, I got up real early,
and made
my Uncle Archie breakfast.
Then I called Amy Bloom,
'cause I call her
every single Saturday.
- Then I went over
to Alexander's...
- Hold it, hold it! Cut! Cut!
Boring, boring.
He's getting ready to dump you.
You've got to ask him
how he's doing.
Make him feel like he's charming
and amusing, okay?
Are you sure this stuff works?
Believe me,
this is female strategy,
and it's worked
for all great women in history.
Eve got Adam to eat the apple.
Cleopatra got Antony
to give up Rome.
Lucy got Ricky to take
her to Hollywood.
- Guess it works, then.
- Sure.
Now, remember,
men wanna be fascinating.
So if he says to you,
"Two plus two is four,"
you say, "Gee, I never
thought of it that way."
Gee, I never thought
of it that way.
You're a natural,
let's move on to dancing.
I know how to dance.
Yeah, but there's something
extra I wanna show you.
It's on Archie's station,
supermarket music.
- Okay.
- Look here.
You're pretty good at leading.
- That's a good line.
- No, I mean it.
Yeah, yeah! Keep insisting,
no matter how bad he is.
And then stare deeply
into his eyes...
as you compliment his shirt.
Why do I like his shirt?
So that you can mention
how nicely it fits
his physique.
Oh, another thing,
always,
always... whisper.
- What?
- Whisper!
It's the greatest way to get
a guy close to you.
You're so experienced,
and I'm glad you're on my side.
Okay, now why don't you try it?
Okay.
I like your shirt, and I love
the way it fits your physique.
If you're teaching
her how to dance
so she can go out and flirt
with boys there,
you're wasting your time.
She ain't going to go out
with no boys for a long time.
When?
Uh, I would say 1989.
Uh, the spring of that year.
When Paley's Comet
next comes through.
Billie's just teaching me
how to be charming.
Oh, yeah, what are you
teaching her that for?
She don't gotta be charming
to nobody but me.
If you really wanna be charming,
you know what to do?
- I know. Get you a beer.
- No, take out the garbage.
- I would call that charming.
- And then get me a beer.
And I don't call
this very charming.
All these brassiere
and cramp magazines
- all over my chair.
- I'm getting rid of them.
Never mind, leave 'em there
for the time being, you know.
I mean, better to have
them there
at this particular moment,
than all over my bathroom.
Stop picking out
of my plate and talk!
Okay.
Billie, you should
have been there.
After all these years,
I finally showed
that brother of mine
who is the better man.
That's wonderful.
There they were, tickets
for the Knicks-Celtics game,
Saturday night.
Barry wanted them,
I wanted them.
The law firm only had two left.
Look who came out on top.
- I'm so proud of you.
- How'd you outfox him?
We flipped a coin.
- Clever.
- Billie, Danny Ferguson did it!
- He asked you out?
- Yes.
Now all my best friends hate me!
That's terrific!
How do we get Uncle Archie
to let me go?
- Uh, that's a two-step process.
- First step, brain surgery.
- Huh?
- Of course, with his brain,
it would have
to be microsurgery.
Hey, how you doing there, kiddo?
Hey, for lunch I can recommend
the chicken raoul,
the veal Jose, or the weenies
and the beans.
What do you want?
I wanna go out
with Danny Ferguson
on Saturday night.
- What?
- Please.
Yeah, sure, uh, on a condition
that Danny Ferguson ain't a boy.
Of course he's a boy.
You on a date with a boy?
Some girls still do it that way.
Uh, not in my family,
Rabinowitz, huh?
- Stay outta this, please.
- The answer's no.
If I don't go out with him,
everyone in school
- will think he dumped me.
- I'll never live it down.
Try.
Archie, they'll make fun of her.
Now, you know what it feels
like when someone
- makes fun of you.
- He should.
Uh, Rabinowitz, your voice
carries over here,
stay outta this.
She ain't going out
with some boy with two big feet
and seven hands.
All alone.
Plenty of girls in my class go
out on dates.
You can forget about it.
Then we'll go out with her.
- What?
- We will?
Yes, the two of us.
You can't object to that,
can you?
Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Oh, yeah, I think
I could object to that.
And so can I.
Uh, Billie, that's when we have
- the tickets for the Knicks game.
- It'll ruin the whole night.
Ruin a night for you?
Well, I wouldn't have no strong
objections to that.
In fact, I tell you what,
uh, if youse two wanna go out
with them two there
you could go with my blessing.
And I will make use
of these useless ducats.
That's real thoughtful, Bunker.
But these happen to be mine.
I had to fight my brother tooth
and nail to get these.
You see this, here?
You got a serious problem,
he's no help at all.
Come on, Gary,
what's really more important?
The silly Knicks game, or this?
We're all waiting
for an answer, Rabinowitz.
- I've got another coin.
- Oh.
Okay.
Uh-huh. Well, now, you see,
to me this seems very fair.
The two of youse here
can watch her
and her itchy-fingered escort,
while I'm watching ten talented
colored guys jumping
outta their shorts.
Hey, boss, what're you gonna
do with that extra ticket?
Yeah.
Oh, well, it's only one.
You boys will have to fight
it out betwixt yourself.
But, please, please no knives.
Thanks, Gary.
Don't mention it... please.
And thanks, Billie.
Well, no, us girls have
to stick together.
- Boys! Boys! Boys!
- Silencio out there, huh.
One of youse will have
to be content
with a soccer game.
And the perimeter
of the Great Pyramid
is equal to the number
of days in a year.
Which they now work out
to be 300 and something,
ain't that amazing?
Divided by twice
the height of the pyramid
gives the value of pi, or 3.14.
Well, what do you think?
I think you look great.
Yeah, I... I think
you're blocking
the television set, honey, huh.
This stuff comes
with a written guarantee.
It's called Submission.
Girls, girls, huh,
you're making me miss
my science show on here.
Bunker, how can you
watch this garbage?
Garbage? You call this garbage?
This show, In Search
of the Discreditable,
is the most important thing
that's ever been on the tube.
This man is boring.
Well, don't watch the man,
to hell with him.
Watch the pictures there.
This show proves
that the pyramids was built
by ancient astronauts.
You don't really believe that,
do you?
- Uh, now what are you gonna do?
- Argue with television, huh?
And even the National Enquirer
have published photographs
of prehistorical spacemen.
What, wait, wait.
How could they possibly
have photographs?
Because, Rabinowitz, don't you
know that nowadays they can
take pictures of anything
you want, huh?
Past, present, or future.
There's no hope.-
Who's gonna get that?
- I'll get it.
- You get it.
- Hi, Danny.
- Hi, Stephanie.
Oh!
Don't forget what I told you.
Uncle Archie,
this is Danny Ferguson.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hi, uh, sorry I'm late,
but I got really caught up
in a Ronald Reagan movie.
Yeah, well I...
Oh, a Ronald Reagan movie, huh?
What are you,
a Ronald Reagan fan?
Oh, yeah, he's my idol.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh.
This is a young man
with a little class.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir,
I'm interrupting your program.
- Oh, no, no, that's okay.
- I've seen this three times.
You have?
Yes, that's why
I'm just beginning
to understand it, here.
This is highly scientific stuff.
You don't soak this up
at a glance.
Oh, Danny,
this is Billie and Gary.
- Hi, Danny.
- Hi!
- Hello!
- Hi!
You know, that's a sensible
young man you're going out with.
- Uh, you like Reagan, huh?
- Oh, yeah, I sure do.
And what a shame about,
uh, Al Haig.
- My father cried when he left.
- Is that a fact, huh?
Well, your father
must be a fine man.
But you tell your father,
don't worry about Al Haig.
- '- Cause Al Haig will be back.
- He will be back.
I think we better go now.
Yeah, hey, listen,
there's a terrific movie...
No, I thought we were
going to Skate World.
Skate, what?
You know, they play rock music,
and we roller skate.
- Uh, hey, sorry, guys.
- I can't go.
- No skates.
- We rent them.
You know, I... I just remembered,
um...
I don't know how to skate.
- Boy, what a dummy!
- We'll teach you.
Thanks.
I'll be thinking about you,
Rabinowitz, huh?
When I'm enjoying the Knicks
at Madison Square Garden.
I like your shirt. I love
the way it fits your physique.
Good evening, Mr. Robonowitz.
- Uh, Rabinowitz.
- Yes.
- Your usual table?
- Yeah, great, Curly, thanks.
- Okay, easy, easy.
- All right!
- Okay.
- All right!
Oh, I will never walk again.
- Sure you will.
- It wasn't a bad fall.
Well, actually the falling down
was fun.
What I hated was getting
run over.
You'll be fine in a week,
you won't even be able
to see the wheel marks.
This is the last time
I take part in any sport
that requires movement.
Excuse me, Stephanie,
Danny, could you join us
please, now. Thank you.
Those kids will never forget
this night.
- I mean, Sam Woo's is an experience, you know.
- - Hmm.
So, you're having
a good time, Steph?
The important thing is, are you?
The best.
And it gets better and better.
You think you know fun?
You wait till you taste
that foot long egg roll.
Taste it? Danny's gonna have
to help me lift it.
I'm losing my appetite.
You come here, you better
be hungry. Menus?
Oh, no, Curly,
we don't need them.
Everything here is great.
Hey listen,
what's that fabulous smell?
- We'll have some of that.
- That's air freshener!
You better give us menus.
- I'll have what Danny's having.
- Okay.
Let's start with Sam Woo's
one ton wonton.
- Great!
- Oh.
- Stephanie hates wonton.
- Oh, no, I don't, I love wonton.
Oh, really?
Then, we'll try
the pagoda of pork.
Uh, Danny, you don't try
the pagoda of pork.
You... you make a commitment
to it,
the way you do with marriage.
- Danny and I will share.
- Oh, the pork, not marriage.
You're so funny.
- I'm starving.
- Can we get on with this?
May I recommend
tonight's special?
A monument to noodles.
- Hey, you know what?
- Number seven
has all of that,
plus the egg foo yung-a-rama
and the great wall of rice, huh?
You men decide.
To me, it's not the food
that counts, it's the company.
Number seven is fine.
And the company is fantastic.
Just tea, thank you.
A second ago you were starving.
Well, I think I've now filled
up on too much company.
Uh, okay, Curly, make
it three number sevens,
and an extra order
of the great wall of rice.
Perfect.-
Steph and I have to go
to the ladies' room.
Oh, no, I don't.
Okay, but your mascara
is smeared.
Excuse us.
So, Danny, at the age of 15,
you have dedicated
your life to roller skating
- and worshiping Reagan, huh?
- Some story, huh?
Steph asked me to say that junk.
Oh, so you mean your father
didn't really cry over Al Haig?
Who is this Al Haig?
He's one of Archie's heroes.
Along with Goldwater,
Nixon and Sammy Davis Jr.
Oh, yeah.
Who's Sammy Davis Jr.?
He's this one-eyed Jewish
black guy who dances a little.
Weird.
- My mascara wasn't running.
- Your motor sure was.
What was it you were trying
to do out there?
- What do you mean?
- Exactly what you told me.
I need more lip gloss.
Maybe I did tell you to act
that way.
But I didn't mean to act
that way.
You got it all wrong.
There's my lip gloss.
It's working, though.
Did you see the way he looked
at me?
The whole restaurant saw.
Why do you think everybody
was blushing?
I don't know what's bugging you,
Billie, but take my advice.
Act nice to Gary
or you'll lose him
to some girl who knows
what's what.
Anyway, legend has it
that the original Sam Woo
defected from Peking
right after the revolution.
- You're kidding.
- It's incredible...
- Sorry we took so long.
- That's okay,
- we'll make up for lost time.
- Sounds good to me.
Knock it off, huh?
- Uh, I'd like some real music.
- What do you think, Steph?
- I think I want what you want.
- Let's go check out the jukebox.
Isn't this fun?
I sense a problem here.
Did I do something wrong?
No, I think I did.
Stephanie is at that awkward
age where she needs help
- with the opposite sex.
- I can relate.
Anyway, I wanted to help
her, so I had to do something.
Look, Billie, I know
how much you care.
But frankly, if it's pity
that works with you,
just remember I'm the one
who gave up
the Knicks tickets today.
Gary, I'm serious.
Don't you see what's happening?
Yeah, sure I do.
I see that a 15-year-old kid,
who spends most
of his life popping wheelies,
is doing better on a date
than I am.
Over my dead body.
Um, tonight I wouldn't know
the difference.
This is hopeless. Can we make
this a quick meal, please?
- You want it quick?
- Yes.
- Fine, whatever you want.
- Foot long egg roll.
Great wall of rice.
Just for starters.
And...
this may take a while.
Oh, here they are.
- I hate you, Billie!
- Oh, yeah, you hate her, why?
She tried to ruin my date
with Danny Ferguson.
That's what a chaperone's
supposed to do, ruin a date.
Good work, Barbara Lee.
I'm the one who should be upset.
Do you realize that you spent
five minutes saying good night
- to Danny on his porch?
- Hey, hey, that upsets me.
While Gary and I just sat
in the car.
We didn't have to just sit.
Hey, Rabinowitz,
maybe they'll have the recap
of that great basketball game
here.
The Knicks won it
in triple overtime.
Triple overtime?
Yeah, you missed this.
You know something, Billie?
I thought you were my friend.
I am, but you were
acting like a little flirt.
- How can you say that?
- Cut, cut, cut.
Please, huh. Cut.
I know how to keep peace
in the house.
In future I can say
no more dates for nobody.
Triple overtime?
Yeah, them was great seats
you had.
It's not fair, no matter
what I do, I can't win.
Uh, here it goes. Females always
running up the stairs.
Yeah, the old one goes slow,
the young one goes fast,
but it's always up the stairs.
Well, Bunker, you handled this
with the wisdom of Solomon.
Yeah, well, thank you.
But even Solomon,
with his 500 wives,
had to get some sleep, huh?
So that's what I'm gonna do now.
Uh, listen, when I'm upstairs,
I don't wanna hear
no scuffling down here,
you know.
And, please, lights
out in five minutes.
Mm-hmm, no problem.
Well I don't know about that,
you gotta be outta here.
Don't bang that door on me!
I don't wanna talk to you,
neither!
He's a delightful host,
isn't he?
This whole thing is my fault.
I turned Stephanie into Jezebel.
Come on, Billie, you meant well.
Of course,
so did Dr. Frankenstein.
- How could I be so dumb?
- It's easy.
We have all been raised
with some pretty crazy ideas,
you know.
Guys have to be macho.
Girls have to be soft, gentle.
Loving...
affectionate...
So, what do I do?
Be honest. Just say you
were out of your mind
- when you told her those things.
- And she was out of hers
when she listened to them.
I guess you should just tell her
to be herself.
You're right.
Sometimes you're pretty smart.
Nah, not tonight.
If I was smart, I would've gone
to the Knicks game.
- See you tomorrow?
- Uh-huh!
Well, right after I see
the chiropractor.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I don't know where I got off
giving you lessons in life.
I should have just kept
my mouth shut.
You were a real drag.
I know.
I should have never
told you how to act.
The real you is fine.
And if a guy doesn't like you
the way you are,
then he's not worth knowing.
- You mean that?
- Of course I do.
Steph, I gave you advice
that I wouldn't even
take myself.
How can a guy get to know you
if you're playing a role?
I guess that's what gives guys
the wrong idea.
Hmm.
Anyway, I won't be
seeing Danny again.
Why not?
When he kept holding me out on
his porch,
he was asking me to come over
next Saturday night.
So?
His parents will be out of town.
Oh.-
Come on in.
The two of youse finished
fighting with each other?
- Yeah.
- We're friends again.
Well, good.
Anybody feel like a sandwich?
No, and you shouldn't be
having one either at midnight.
Midnight is when I need it,
honey.
To settle my stomach,
so I can sleep.
You know,
it's gonna be something light.
My usual beer, and a little
salami on melba toast.
Oh, come on, don't be giving me
the looks.
Besides, the two of youse should
eat a little more salami.
It's very excellent
for the complexion.
Come on.
Look it up. Look it up.
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