03x12 - Stephanie's Tryout

[bunniefuu]

Hey, hey, hey,
that ain't like you,

leaving half a lunch there.

People can get along
with a lot less food.

Here you go, Stephie.

No, thanks.

What are you doing,
passing up dessert?

Too much sugar
isn't good for you.

Besides, I'm trying
to keep in shape.

Aw, come on.
I'm tired of all
this diet malarkey.

Let me tell you something.

There's times when it's good
for a child to eat sugar.

When?

When the people who love
the child give it to the child

and tell the child,
"Eat it."

I gotta get back to school.

Could you sign this
for me, please?

Yeah, sure.
What is this?

It's just a consent form.

Yeah, what am I consenting to?

Nothing. It's for me.

Oh, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

The last time I signed
one of these things, remember,

I wound up on my behind
in a skating rink,

looking up at 100 rotten
little kids laughing at me?

It's for the school
baseball team.

Oh, what are you gonna be,
a cheerleader or something, huh?

Nope. A right fielder.

A what?

A right fielder.

Girls can try out for
the team now.

Are you listening to this?

Girls on the baseball squad?

That's part of your
ERA there, Arch.

You see the way the schools
is falling apart nowadays?

Girls playing baseball,
but no prayers in the classroom.

I pray in temple.

Girls ain't supposed to
be playing boys' sports.

Aw, come on.

Why can't she play baseball?

It ain't so much
the playing of the baseball,

it's the playing around...

It's what goes on in
the locker rooms after the game.

- What, what?
- I don't understand you.

Males and females
looking at each other.

The Lord never intended that.

Jeez, when I was in school,

I couldn't wait to get
into the locker room.

There was this shortstop...

Will you, please?

Not in front of the child!

The girls have
their own locker rooms.

Listen, I think it's terrific

that more girls are going out
for sports these days.

It develops their confidence.

I'll tell you what it develops.

Did you ever hear of muscles
in the wrong place?

Like between your ears?

I mean big muscles in
the arms and the legs.

Yeah, like them
Russian lady shot putters.

Built like a Mack truck.

Yeah.

But they're wider in the axle.

You know something?

You wanna develop confidence in
girls, I'll tell you what to do.

You put 'em in pretty dresses,

you tell 'em they're
beautiful and that's it.

I wanna play baseball.

- No, kiddo, I'm sorry.
- I can't go for that.

Aw, come on.
Why can't she play ball?

When will youse women learn?

It's a "documentarary" fact

that women ain't supposed
to compete with men.

You are such a chauvinist!

Oh, God!

How I hate that word!

My daughter was forever
calling me that.

She had my poor wife,
rest her soul,
almost believing it.

Listen, the next time
that wonderful woman

Phyllis Shoefly is on the TV,
I'm gonna have you watch her.

A bunch of my girlfriends
are trying out for the team,

so why can't I?

Because I said so.

And case closed.

I could never figure

why they pick Sundays
for all this religion.

Stay tuned now for Channel 11's

Sunday presentation,
Knute Rockne, All American,

starring Pat O'Brien,
and, in a supporting role,

our President, Ronald Reagan,
as the Gipper.

Oh, you know, I don't think
they ought to be showing

our President in all them
old tragedies of his.

You know what I mean?

Like the other night
I seen him with two legs off,

and I know he's gonna croak
in this here one.

If Richard E. Nixon
had made these pictures,

he'd have probably erased 'em.

You know what I mean?

Where are you?

Hey, Mrs. Canby!

Hey, I need another beer, here!

My throat is very dry.

Huh? I'm dehydrating here.

What the hell's the use
of talking?

She don't hear
what I'm saying anyway.

I can't take this.

Ellen: Here it comes,
Stephanie, catch it.

Stephanie:
Oh, I got it!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- What's going on out here?

- Hey, come on, stop that.
- Stop that. I'm coming out.

Ah, what do youse think
you are doing here?

Mrs. Canby's
helping me practice.

- Ah, come on, come on.
- Give me the ball.

You ain't supposed to be
playing hardball

in a little yard like this.

It's dangerous.

And she ain't
supposed to be playing

'cause she ain't getting
on that baseball team.

We're just having
a little fun and exercise.

- Care to join us?
- No, no.

Hey, I'd sooner go in
and watch the President
play football.

- All right, Stephanie.
- Here it comes!

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic!

Oh, I take it
you could do better.

Are you kidding?

You're looking at
the only 300 hitter

on the 1940 Bryant High Varsity.

Really, Uncle Archie?

Do I ever lie?

- Give me the bat.
- Give me the ball.

Let me show you something,
there.

All right,
get ready for this, huh?

Ready? Here we go.

Strike one!

All right.

Give me the ball again.

I just didn't wanna
take a full swing.

Knock the ball into
the traffic over there

on Northern Boulevard.

Okay, I'll lay down
the bunt and go for it.

There you go.

Hey, hey, hey, don't
chase a ball like that.

You ain't chasing a kitty-cat.

But I couldn't catch it.

When you can't catch it,
always block it.

- Block it, block it.
- Let me see what you're using here.

- See, you're a lefthander.
- That mitt is for a righty.

Where'd you find
that old hunk of junk?

From your trunk
down in the cellar.

Oh.

Well, that's 'cause it's been
down there many years

without air, you know?

- Here, take it.
- Now, tell you what we do.

- I'll try you out on your pitching.
- Here's the ball.

I'll go over here
and I'll catch for you.

And you pitch 'em in, see?

Get down like this now,

put the ball right in there,
right in there.

There you go.

Nice block, Uncle Archie.

Are you all right?

The ball took a bad hop.

- Don't look.
- Don't look!

I should have been wearing
the mitt when I was doing that.

Maybe you should take it easy.
It's been a long time.

- No, no, no.
- That's okay.

Hey, tell you what.

I'll give you some practice
catching pop flies, okay?

Have you got enough room?

Sure. I hit 'em
straight up in the air,

and they come right down
in the yard.

Hey, I used to be able
to do this all day long.

You're ready now?

Here we go!

Hold the bat.

Uh, Steph, you better go
get your ball.

Me? You hit it!

Oh, but you're the outfielder.

The outfielder is
always supposed to
chase the ball there.

It sounded like
somebody's window.

It definitely sounded
like somebody's window.

Yeah, it sounded
like somebody's window.

Ah, well, don't worry too much,

'cause the party probably
ain't home, you know?

What kind of a lunatic
would play hardball

in the midst of
a residential neighborhood?

Ah, gee, Barney,
it's good it was you.

Here, give me the ball.

Hey, if you ain't doing
anything, you wanna stay
and play with us?

Never mind all that.

Your ball busted my window
and you're gonna pay for it.

All right, I'll pay, I'll pay.

And also my living room rug.

What did I do to
your living room rug?

Well, when your ball came
crashing through my window,

it terrified Rusty
and he lost control.

Rusty loses control
every day on my front lawn.

I don't ask you to pay for that.

Don't try to confuse the issue.

And besides, why are you
playing with the kid anyway?

I thought you were against
baseball for girls.

Well, I changed my mind.

You mean you're gonna let me
try out for the team?

Yeah, why not?

I'll be right back
with the consent form

before you change
your mind again.

Yeah.

- Good for you, Archie.
- You've really made her happy.

Oh, that's swell, swell, swell.
Yeah.

Folded up, huh?

It's only a trick.

Huh?

- I seen the kid play.
- She ain't no good.

So why should I stop her,
you know?

She'll go try out for the team,
they'll turn her down,

and then I'm off the hook.

A little
reverse psychology, huh?

- Hey.
- That's pretty smart.

Hey!

- Here it is.
- Yeah, okay.

Here, you hold the ball,

and I'll sign
the consent form, see,

allowing you to play ball.

There we go. There.

Thanks, Uncle Archie.

Now, can we practice some more?

Hey, I tell you what you do.

Watch Barney and me play
a little catch here, huh?

You take the mitt, Barney,
and I'll pitch to you.

- Why can't I pitch?
- 'Cause I'm pitching.

Well, how come you get to pitch?

'Cause it's my ball!

Ellen:
Anybody want a cold drink?

A little later, Mrs. Canby,
after we work out here.

All right, but don't
overexert yourself.

- Oh, don't worry about it.
- We'll be fine.

Watch this, Steph.
Here you go, Barn.
You ready?

- All right, let's see it in there.
- - Right in there.

- Hey, you're
looking good, Arch.
- Ain't this fun, Stephanie?

Come on there, maybe
you'll learn something.

Oh, I think I could maybe
go nine innings again.

I think you could.

Oh, I hear pain.

- Oh, no, it's just a little soreness right here, Mr.
- Van R.

From yesterday in the garden.

I was out there doing
some planting, you know?

Hey, Arch, give me a hand
with this, will you?

- What do you want?
- Our annual health permit.

This year they want it
put up there where everybody
can see it.

Here, you hold, I'll hammer.

- Stick it up there.
- I'll take a look and see what it looks like.

Yeah. Oh!

- Harry: What's the matter?
- I can't bend my right elbow.

Well, use the other one.

It's almost as bad!

Can't we just put it
down here, huh?

Now I hear agony.

What's with youse two?

Arch coerced me into
playing baseball yesterday.

I used muscles
I retired 30 years ago.

You played baseball?

Yeah, you know, we had to try
to whip the kid in shape.

Hey, you're gonna let her
join the team?

Hold it...

Hold it, will you?

She ain't gonna
get on that team.

Don't be jumping
to "contusions," huh?

Never put the horse
in front of the cart.

Hi, everybody!

All: Hi, Stephie.

All right, now listen,
we know you didn't
make the team,

and I'm awful glad
you're not crying.

I'm gonna take
you to the movies.

But I did make the team.

Huh?

Well, that's great.

And I'm the only girl
who made it.

And I'll be practicing
every day after school
and all day Saturday.

Yeah, well, well,
great, great. Yeah.

And I owe it all to you.

Aw, no, honey, don't say that.

No, you done this
all by yourself, there.

Hey, Stephie,
come on in the kitchen,
I'll fix you a chocolate milk.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Go in there, yeah.

What the hell went wrong?

Look at it this way, Arch.

Baseball is a lot like life.

Do you know how
ridiculous that is?

"Baseball is like life."

Okay, so it isn't like life.

Hey.

It's Saturday,
remember, your day off.

Have I got something to show you

- in the "Queens Shopping News."
- Yeah?

Isn't that the most exciting
thing you've ever seen?

Yeah, let me look.

- "- 30% off.
- Weekend "lingeries" sale."

Jeez, I'm glad I received
that news sitting down.

The bottom of the page.

- Oh! Oh, yeah!
- Oh, jeez, look at this!

"Ditmars Junior High's
Team Goes Co-Ed."

And there's the kid
in her uniform. Oh!

Come on.
I know you're more
excited than that.

Why, you've been to practice
every day this week.

I wanted to be there to keep
an eye on her, you know?

So she wouldn't hurt herself.

Come on, admit it.
You're proud of her.

Well, I gotta admit
she ain't as bad

as I thought she was gonna be.

And she's at least as good
as some of them there.

I'll bet she's better.

She is better than two of them.

They got a runt there,
with big ears, you know.

He couldn't hit a bull in
the behind with a barn door.

Then they got this
other kid, big fat kid,

you know, he ain't got
no breath in him.

He's standing there
on the baselines

filling his face there
with jelly doughnuts,

and the baseballs
is rolling past him.

See, you are proud of her.

Well, if it isn't the celebrity.

- Ah, celebrity is right.
- Look what's in the paper.

My picture in
the "Queens Shopping News"!

Wow! Amy Bloom is
gonna be so jealous!

Oh, no. There's my ride
and I want to read this.

I'll cut it out for you,
for your scrapbook.

- Thanks, Mrs. Canby.
- I'll see you.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Hey.

Didn't you see
what I bought you here?

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Hey, look at this!

- A Reggie Jackson glove.
- Yeah.

And it's a lefty, too,
just for you.

You can't play the game right

unless you get the right
equipment, huh?

Thanks, Uncle Archie.

Go ahead, there's your ride.

I'm gonna be the best
right fielder ever.

Aw, that's the way to talk!

Yeah. Hey, keep playing
the game hard, you know,

and get in all
the practice you can.

- Who knows?
- Someday you could be another Babe Didrikson.

Huh, ain't that nice?

Here, read that last
part there again.

Are youse all listening
over there?

All: Yeah.

"Coach Green..."

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Go ahead, read.

"Coach Green added
that Miss Mills shows
remarkable agility."

Well, agility,
that ain't a word.

What he means is ability,

which I knew the minute
I started to coach the kid.

"As well as a thorough
understanding of the game."

Sure, why not?

I give her all
the pointers I knew.

So, Archie, when are
you gonna start your strut?

When I get off of my butt.

Hey, hey, hey, look. Here.
Hey, Stephanie gets
quoted here.

"When asked how it feels to be
the first female player

selected in the history of
the Astoria Hawks baseball team,

Miss Mills replied, 'Neat.'"

I see you taught her
how to handle the press.

Hey, hey, that kid
talks with her bat.

When's her first game, Arch?

Next Wednesday,
3:00 p.m., there.

And I want you to come along
with me, Mr. Van R.

I'll give you a play by play.

Good, I'd like that.

Hey, hey, here comes
the star outfielder.

Hey, bravo!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's with the face there?

You been crying or something?

Coach Green made another cut
and I'm off the team.

He cut you from the team?

He can't do that.

After I bought you a new mitt.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Did he cut the runt
and the fatso, too?

No.

You mean you're the only one
he cut from the team?

I'm sorry, Uncle Archie.

- You're sorry?
- You ain't got nothing to be sorry about.

You ain't done nothing wrong.

It's that coach
who's gonna be sorry.

He's the guy that
done something wrong.

I know how to
handle this. Hey.

There's no use
trying to stop me.

♪ Fight on, Astoria

♪ We're rooting for you

Uh, Coach Green?

That's my name. Ask me again,
I'll tell you the same.

Uh, where are you?

I'm over here.
Where are you?

- I'm over here.
- Where are you?

- You better stay where you are.
- I'll come and find you.

Ah, there you are.

Yeah.

Well, one of your kids
on the team this year?

It's nice when the parents
come out and root their kids on.

- What's your boy's name, huh?
- Stephanie.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, these kids sure
can be pigs, can't they?

Oh, my little Stephanie
ain't no pig.

Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no.
The kids on the team, you know.

Yeah, well, that's what
I come to ask you, there.

Why ain't she on the team?

Well, look, Mr. Mills...

- Well, Bunker, Archie Bunker.
- Uh-huh.

Well, look, Mr. Bunker,
you see, being a coach

is not your easiest
job in the world,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, well, yeah,
I know all that.

But I mean, I just wanna...

- That's okay.
- You didn't hurt it.

I just wanted to find out why
you cut her off of the team.

You just give me one
good reason.

Well, look, Archie...
You mind if I call you Archie?

- I mean, you seem like a regular guy.
- - Sure, sure.

Look, Archie...

you know and I know

that girls are not cut out
for baseball, huh?

I mean, they're more for
dancing and cheerleading,

that kind of stuff.

I mean, you don't want your
Stephanie breaking out muscles

in all the wrong
places now, do you?

Now you know and I know that
that there is a lot of hooey.

Ah.

You want her suiting up
here in the locker room

with all of these guys, huh?

We both know that that's
a lot of hooey, too.

Because youse got separate
dressing faculties in here.

Okay, then, this whole thing
just boils down to this.

Girls cannot compete with boys,

that is a known,
proven fact of life.

Yeah, I know that.
But listen.

I been out watching that kid
practicin' out there.

She's as good as any of
the other kids out there.

She's better than that runt
with the big ears.

Why didn't you cut him?

- '- Cause he's a hustler.
- The kid just needs to grow, that's all.

Yeah, well, there's another one
there that grown too much.

Who?

El Blimpo.

Which one's that?

You know, the stupid-looking,

fat, roly-poly kid,

always standing there
stuffing his face,

hunks of jelly rolls
dripping off of his chin there.

He's standing there burping
while the baseballs roll
past him.

Why didn't you cut him?

'Cause he's my son.

Oh, I see.

I think we're through talking.

Well, you know what I think?

I think you never wanted her on
the team in the first place.

Bunker, would you want her on
the team if you were the coach?

You're gonna have
the other team razzing us,

then they are gonna be razzing
her and their parents, too?

But then why did you have
to lead her on that way?

I mean, all that
junk in the paper.

Look, Bunker, I was
getting a lot of pressure

to let a girl
try out for the team.

So, okay, I let her
make the first cut,

she gets her picture in the
paper, we get the publicity.

I get off the hook,
everybody's happy, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Everybody's happy.

Except Stephanie,
her heart is broke.

Bunker, what would you
rather have me do?

Let her come out
and practice every day,

then sit her on the bench all
season and never let her play?

See, nobody's thinking about
a little girl's feelings.

- The hell I'm not.
- I love those kids.

I'm a coach, I'm a teacher.

- Well, you know what else you are?
- - What?

- You want me to tell you?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You are a chauvinist.

I've been hearing that
kind of talk for years

from people like you.

Oh, jeez!

I'm gonna tell you what you are.

You're one of them
bleeding heart liberals.

Uncle Archie, what happened?

What happened is,

I just had a conversation
with a very dumb guy.

I take it you didn't
change his mind.

- How could I change it?
- I couldn't find it.

Did he at least say why
he cut me out from the team?

Yeah, he said why.

It's because you happened
to be born a girl.

But I was just as good
as some of the boys.

I know that, I know that.

Certainly, you was just as good.

Hey, you was better
than a lot of them there.

I wanna tell you something.

This should be a lesson to you.

This here's a man's world,
you know?

And most of the men in it,
they ain't like me.

No.

They don't want girls
to have no fun or do nothing.

And 99% of them, they ain't
even worth the time of day.

And that's why,
when the time comes,

I gotta be so careful
picking one out for you.

Right, Mrs. Canby?

Certainly, I'm right.

Stephanie, if you want
to play baseball,

practice until
you're better than the boys.

Then they'll have to
let you play.

Yes, that's right.

Why can't a girl play
anything the boys can play?

You know, the Little League
tryouts are coming up,

and I'm gonna be there.

Well, I think you
ought to forget about
Little League, you know?

Too good for girls.

I'll tell you what, though.

Come on, let's you and me
go on out in the backyard,

and we can play, huh?

Come on, let's go.

Hey, we don't need
the school team,

we don't need the Little League.

Well, all we need is you and me
and the bat and the ball.

Give me the bat and the ball.

Now, no out-of-the-park
home runs this time.

Don't worry about nothing,
Mrs. Canby.

I'm gonna keep the ball
well away from all them
houses over there.

I'm gonna hit it over
in this direction. Okay?

Straight over there and get it.

Mrs. Canby, right through
our kitchen window.

Barney:
Playing ball again, Arch?

What are you beefing about,
Barney?

I busted my own window
over here.

Barney: Oh, yeah? -

Well, try to explain that
to Rusty over here.