03x03 - The Date

[bunniefuu]

Listen, Billie, you can get a
nice uniform and anything else
you need at Sears.

Sears? Oh, sure,
you can drop into hardware

and get some aluminum underwear.

Try Marcy's.
Two blocks down to the left.

- Okay, thanks a lot.
- See y'all later.

Right.

- She's a sweet kid.
- Yeah.

But does she have to be
young and pretty, too?

Hey, did anybody come here
to fix my oven?

No.

Last time I made lasagna,
I had to bake it at 350
for a week.

Archie ain't paying
attention to anything.

You see them boxes?

What's in them?

I told him to order
toilet paper.

He ordered 20,000
swizzle sticks.

No compassion for his customers.

Every day
there's another problem.

You're telling me.

- I got a problem with my paycheck.
- It's wrong again.

I wonder how much longer
we'll be getting paychecks.

What do you mean?

You been in the office yet?

Bills all over the place.

If you ask me, Archie's
in deep financial trouble.

Whoop-de-doo,
found a quarter in the gutter,

which means that this day
is my lucky day.

And look at little Veronica,
home from vacation.
Put it right there.

Hi, Arch.

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Did your family reunion
end in g*nf*re again?

No, everything there was fine.

The trouble is here, Arch.

Aw, come on, the two of youse,
give me a break. Hah?

Let me get
a little coffee down me

before you start
coming at me
like a couple of wolves.

Hey, Arch,
my sink is still stopped up,

and my oven ain't working right.

All right, all right,
I'll take care of it,
I'll take care of it.

Look at Harry,
with the long puss
on him there.

Hah? What do you got?

A full house.

Three urgents
and two final notices.

Don't you know that they stamp
all that final and urgent
crapola all over that thing

there to get a guy excited, huh?

Listen. The smart businessman
always knows how to juggle
his bills around.

You know, you rob Peter
to pay Paul.

Sometimes you rob Peter
and Paul to pay Ma Bell. Huh.

Hey, boss, I got a problem
with my paycheck again.

Aw, jeez, you too, Jose, huh?

- Remember last week my paycheck was $30 short?
- Well, this week...

Jose, Jose, I ain't got time
to listen to that now.

Can't you give me just
a little tiempo para la cafe?

I told you it was all gonna
even out, didn't I?

- But...
- Cash it, cash it.

Registered letter
for Archie Bunker.

Oh, uh, right over here, sir,
over here. Yeah.

Don't be standing there
like you're surprised
about something here,

just do what I tell you.

Harry, Harry, would you give
the gentleman something here,
huh?

Are you sure?

You want me to say it to you
in Nicaroogan?

Casho the checko.

Okay, if you say so...

Yeah, yeah. Now, let's see
what we got here.

Hah, hah, hah, something tells
me the Readers' Digest
sweepstakes is in here.

Open that up and take a look
and tell me what it is there.

- You know what they give?
- First prize, $100,000.

Second prize,
$100 a week for life.

Third prize, two Jap cars.

Dear Mr. Bunker, this is
to inform you

that because of your repeated
failure to meet your loan
repayment schedule,

we will foreclose in 10 days
on the business known
as Archie Bunker's Place.

What's that? Fourth prize.

Don't be funny, Harry.

- This here thing could be serious.
- Give me that.

God, this is Murray Klein's
fault for leaving me
here there.

"Inform you to..."

Oh, my God. I better see
Sam Rabinowitz, my lawyer.

Jose, give me the keys
to your car, huh?

Yeah, sure boss, here.

All right, I shouldn't be
more than an hour.

Oh, a couple of things,
the seat's broke,
and I got one brake light out.

- The hell with it.
- I'll drive it anyway.

And it don't turn left too good.

Well, all right,
I'll drive there clockwise.

I been meaning
to get that fixed.

4:00 will be fine,
Mrs. Baker. Goodbye.

I'll be back in 10 minutes,
Mr. Lorenzo.

Hey, don't you know coming
in has always got the right
of way over going out?

- Hello, Mr. Bunker.
- Yeah.

Good afternoon,
Mrs. Buglesong.

- Fogelson.
- Yeah, whatever.

I gotta talk
to old man Rabinowitz,
emergency.

I'm sorry, you don't have
an appointment
and he's really very busy.

Will you call him and tell him
a man's life is at stake here?

Just a minute.

- Don't look at me.
- Read your magazine!

Mr. Rabinowitz,
Mr. Bunker is here.

His life is at stake again.

Have a seat, Mr. Bunker.

Thank you very much.

Oh, good afternoon,
Mr. Abbott.
Beautiful day, isn't it?

It was until some lowlife
driving a wreck cut me off,

stole my parking space
and scraped the side
of my new car.

Oh, that's terrible.

And then when I got out
of the car to talk to him,

he called me a f*g
and ran into the elevator.

Did you get a good look at him?

Oh, yeah.
He was an old guy,
fat.

Probably a welfare case.

He was dressed in a tan jacket
and was wearing
a mildewed hat.

You!

Uh... No hable ingles, budd.

Don't give me that.
What are you doing,
driving around in a coma?

I was driving around in a Chevy,

and you can't prove
that I hit your car

if you don't even know
the kind of a car
I was driving around in.

Believe me, you may not have
seen it through those dice
hanging in your windshield,

but you hit me,
and you will pay.

- I ain't gonna pay nothing.
- It wasn't my fault.

Hey, I seen
that parking space first.

I was heading straight forward
there, and you cut me off.

And you hit the front of my
car with the door of yours.

I can't believe you hit me.

All you had to do was turn left.

That's easy for you to say.

Mr. Bunker, wait!

- No waiting!
- No waiting! No waiting!

I want his name and address.

Oh, no problem.

If you made these mortgage
payments, tell me,

where are the canceled checks?

I don't know.

They're lost someplace,
it'll take me a week
to find the damned things.

Canceled checks
is ancient history.

I'm asking you to get me
out of trouble now.

Bunker, there's an old saying,

"God forgives,
but the bank forecloses."

That's why I come to you, Abe.

You know them bankers,
I mean, they're your people,
ain't they?

I wouldn't be surprised if the
head banker over there goes
to the same temple as you.

I think Mr. O'Leary goes
to his own temple.

I'm gonna save you
one more time,
but on one condition.

I'm hiring a
business manager
for you.

- Aw, come on, will you?
- Another guy poking his nose into my business, there?

Even the two of us
is one too many.

You're not gonna have
a business unless you agree
to this.

No, no, no...

- Don't forget.
- I hold Murray Klein's power of attorney.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

Yeah, you're telling me
you're blackmailing me.

Yeah, you can call it that,
but it's for your own good.

Linda.

Yes, Mr. Rabinowitz.

Prepare a challenge
to foreclosure.

Mr. Bunker will attempt
to supply you
with some details.

- This way, please.
- Yeah, all right.

Is Roger here yet?

Mrs. Fogelson:
Yes, Mr. Rabinowitz.

Send him in.

I need a business manager
like a jockey needs
hemorhoods.

I've finished the work
on Padnick's Hardware.

So soon?

Sure. It was a breeze.
Here's the report.

Good.

A couple of more jobs
like that and you'll have
your own management firm.

Yeah, I, uh... I got
a great opportunity for you.

You're a Yankee fan, aren't you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

A friend of mine hinted
they're looking
for an auditor.

Auditor for the Yankees?

Well, now, easy, kid.

Nobody starts in the majors.
This is just a farm club.

But you get two box seats
for every Yankee game.

- Box seats.
- Yeah.

But I need a favor from you.

A client with a bar
and grill in big trouble.

Hey, you're talking to the guy
that kept Clanahan's mortuary
alive.

Well, this is somewhat similar,

but not so much fun.

The owner can be difficult.

It'll be good practice
for working with
George Steinbrenner.

- When do I start?
- Right now.

Linda, you finished in there?

- Archie: Uh...
- she said something about taking a deposition, Abe,

so I suppose she stepped out
in the ladies' can.

Who is that?

Come on in, Bunker,
and meet your new
business manager.

You've got to be kidding.

What's the matter?

Aw, jeez.

Don't be listening
to this guy, he's a liar,

- I never touched his car.
- What car?

- He sideswiped me in the parking lot.
- He's a cretin.

I'm an American,
and I didn't touch his car.

Gentlemen, please.
Was there substantial damage?

- Well...
- No, no, no, no!

All right,
then work it out yourselves.

Roger here is gonna
save your business.

No, Abe, no.

This kid sets foot in my bar
over my dead body.

Just so long as I can get
to the books.

- Stop it, both of you.
- This kid is very good.

No, Abe, no, no.

Look, you know,
foreclosure is
an ugly business.

They board up the place,
they sell the furnishings
and inventory.

Before you know it,
you'll be going back
to that loading dock.

Aww. Abe...

Couldn't you send me
a smart Jewish guy?

A brilliant gentile
is just as good.

Roger, when you're
in business, you can't be
too choosy about your clients.

Look at me.

We're talking the Yankees here.

I don't think it's possible.

Listen to me, Roger.

We're in the bottom
of the ninth, two outs,
bases are loaded.

We're behind three runs,
60,000 fans are on
their feet, screaming.

Hey, you know,
I think I seen that game.

Shut up, Bunker, huh?

You're up at bat.

But if your knees are wobbling,

I can call in a pinch hitter.

I think you should call
in a pinch hitter.

No, you talked me into it.
I'll do it.

That's the spirit.

Well, gentlemen, you may have
started off on the wrong foot,

but I'm sure
it's gonna work out fine.

We'll get you
straightened out, Mr. Bunker.

Hey, Abe, it's still blackmail.

Do I have to wear this thing?

Yes. Yes! It's nice.

It's about time we come up
with a little stylish
around here.

What're you doing? Showing off
for the new accountant?

Hey, that ain't got nothing
to do with it.

You just remember,
I'm still the boss
around here.

- And you...
- Jeez, couldn't you just for a change...

See this here?

She give up the booze,
and now she's onto
the hard pore corn.

Couldn't you just try to make
yourself look a little,

how shall I say... nice?

I come here to work

not enter no
Miss America contest.

But you don't look
like you're working now.

And look at this,
can't we get these

no class pretzels and peanuts
outta here, somewhere.

Hey, girlie, salty stuff ain't
no good for you.

It blows you up.
It gives you fat thighs.
They hurt you when you walk.

- Come, come on.
- Get all of this stuff outta sight.

But we always
put this stuff out.

- You always put it out.
- I never liked it.

Why should I show
I'm wasting money on frills?

He's got you nervous, huh?

That ain't it. That ain't it.
Let me tell you something.

This kid was forced on me.

And I'm gonna get rid of him
just as fast as I can.

Now, one other thing.

If this wise guy asks
either one of youse

how things is running around
here, be sure to tell him
things is running fine.

But we got a lot
of problems here.

Do you want a total stranger
coming in here

and turning the place upside
out and top to bottom?

Both: Yes!

You ain't seen this guy.
Wait'll you see him,

smart-aleck college kid.

Two pair of shifty eyes
jumping around,
looking at everything there.

Mean inside.
A guy with a vicious temper.

You forgot my
foaming at the mouth.

He's a little sneaky, too.

Thank you for the testimonial.

Well, as long as you're here,
might as well meet everybody.

This is Harry Snowden,
my bartender over there.

- Harry.
- Hi.

This is my chef here,
Veronica Rooney.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

- This here is Mr. Costello.
- Abbott.

Close.

Glad to meet both of you.

This is a nice place
you've got here.

Yeah, thank you very much.

So, let's see what we can do
about saving it.
Where's your office?

It's in there.

Why don't we start
with your books?

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute. You don't have
to rush right into that.

Don't you want me to show you
around the joint?

All right. Good idea.

Yeah.

Well, we'll start right here,
why don't we?

Over there,
that there is the bar.

And that being true,

what you see all around here
is what they call
the bar area.

I figured that.

You don't keep any snacks
on the bar?

- Peanuts, popcorn, pretzels?
- No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no,
none of that kind of junk.
You know.

I mean, why waste money?

I follow the old saying,

"You take care of the pennies,

and the dollars
will take care
of the moss."

Yes.

But market research shows
that salty snacks will
increase drink orders by 30%.

No kidding.

Where'd you find out
all of that?

I did my homework.

Can I say something
about the bowtie?

You don't like it.

Well, it's just that in
a neighborhood bar,

the customers like
a less formal look.

The bartender should be
like a buddy.

Ah, how many times I tell
you not to wear that tie, huh?

Yeah, Harry,
when are you gonna learn?

I'll try to watch it.

Oh, I almost forgot.

The beer order
come in this morning.
Here's the bill.

Can I just see that?

- Go ahead.
- Help yourself, help yourself.

What are you gonna tell me now?

Not to order no more beer
for my bar now?

No, but Downstate Distributors
charge more than anyone else
in the city.

We'll have to change that.

Aw, wait a minute.

Now, I'm gonna tell you
something

that you're never gonna learn
from your market research,
there, see?

Downstate Distributors,
very old firm.

They do a very lovely thing
for all the saloonkeepers
around Christmas.

They give us a personalized
plastic beer mug.

That's the kind of thing
that money can't buy.

I guess not.

Veronica: Hey,
Thrifty Poultry just delivered
the chicken order!

Thrifty Poultry, there.

Come here. I'm gonna show you
what that means, see?

Now, this is something else

that you can't learn
by just doing homework.

This is something
a businessman gotta learn

out of his own instinctuals,
see?

Thrifty Poultry, now...

I normally buy my meats from
Chuck's Meats. Very good.

But now I find Chuck's
chickens is high as a kite.

So, what do I do?
I scour around the whole
city of New York, see?

Until I come upon
this joint,
Thrifty Poultry, see,

and I make a deal with them.

50% less.
Step this way.

What the hell is this?

This is your bargain.

Oh, live, huh?

Pretty nice looking birds, huh?

I mean, you can hardly
find chickens no fresher
than this here.

Beautiful.

- Uh, well, then...
- Raul...

Don't just stand there
looking at them, huh?

Strangle them all.

This is unbelievable.

How have you stayed
in business this long?

Because I'm a damned good
businessman, that's how.

- Now, come on, kid, look.
- We ain't gonna get along.

Why don't you go back there
to Mr. Rabinowitz, huh?

Some of these
are six months old.

Just tell him I really don't
need an accountant.

You need an archeologist.

- Look at this.
- Look at this.

Are there 20,000 swizzle
sticks here, or am I crazy?

- Both!
- Why?

Well, why not, huh?

Swizzle sticks is always useful.

Swizzle sticks don't spoil.

Besides, these is very special
commemorative swizzle sticks
here.

Each one's got the face
of a different president
on the business end, there.

Well, that's class.

I can stir my gin rickey
with Tricky Dicky.

Don't be taking shots at
my favorite president there.

The poor man's
suffering enough
living over in Jersey.

Could I have your
attention, please?

Announcing the arrival
of Jose Perez.

This wasn't my idea.

Thanks, man.

Hey, Harry, what's happening?

What the hell happened to you?

Success.

You hit a number!

Nah, nah, I just got a raise.

- Hey, let me tell you.
- The Big Apple tastes a whole lot better

when you got some bucks.

Jose, do you mind me
asking you how much
you got paid yesterday?

$1,320.

That's 10 times
your normal paycheck.

I know, I know.
I told the boss, and he said
it would all even out,

and baby, it sure has.

America, great country, huh?

Si.

Great filing system.

Phone bill, urgent.

Water, final notice.
Linen service, past due.

Two cheeseburgers, medium rare.

Okay, we're coming
to the end here.

Here you got gas,
Consolidated Edison,

you got Holzman's Dairy here.
$150.

You got Brown's Garage here
for $250.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
what the hell is
this Brown's Garage for $250?

That is for scratching my car.

Oh, that's
for scratching your car.

- Give me that.
- No way, Costello.

It's Abbott, and I'm gonna get
that money, Mr. Bunker.

- Oh, no you ain't, buddy.
- Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, no you ain't.
You're gonna learn one thing
right here and now.

Excuse me, excuse...

Could you bring it up a bit?
Some of the customers
missed a few words.

Why ain't you in the kitchen?

Because we got a problem
with Jose.

Oh, good, good. I'm glad that
kind of a problem come up.

I'm gonna show
this wise guy something.

Now, this is something
that you pen pushers
don't understand.

The key to this business,
see, is the personal touch.

Showing a genuine human
interest for the menials
that work for you.

If that w*tback is looking
for more money...

- Oh, no.
- This is a new twist.

Now, is this everything here?

No, I set aside some documents
for you over there
in the paint can.

There's a letter from
the federal government

outlining all the tax breaks
that Mr. Reagan is gonna give
us better class of people.

You'll find in there a whole
new schedule of deprications.

This is incredible!

You cashed that check?

You told me to, boss.

Since when do you
ever listen to me?

What are you trying to do,
Jose, ruin me?

- What's the problem now?
- Nothing.

Archie accidentally added
a zero to Jose's check,
and he cashed it.

He cashed it!

$1,300.

$1,300 there.

Don't look at me
like I'm a dummy.

It's all the fault of that
check writing machine
my partner brung in here.

All right, Jose, you're gonna
have to take back all of this
stuff and get me my dough.

Well, I don't know if I can
return the clothes.

I mean, maybe I can cancel
the waterbed,

but no way can I give back
the custom hubcaps.

Why not?

Well, the guy that sold them
to me, he moves around a lot.

All right. All right.

- From now on, everybody will be paid through me.
- Including you.

h*, h*, h*,
hold it there, hotshot.

I'm the owner of this place.
I don't earn a salary.

I can't argue with that.

If I'm gonna save this place,
I need to get
your complete cooperation.

Do you know what
you're gonna get? The gate.

Costello, you are through.

- That suits me fine.
- I'll get my things.

Yeah!

Arch, Arch,
you're making
a mistake.

Ah!

He's a bright young guy,
he's just trying to help you.

Listen, I ain't gonna get
pushed around by no punk kid!

Now, why don't you get back
into your kitchen there

and take the Count
of Monte Crisco with you.

By the way,

in that paint tray
of government junk was this
third and final notice

from the Department
of Taxation and Finance.

Ah, the hell with them.
So what?

So, you haven't paid
your sales taxes
for the last six months.

Ah! It's all right.

You can stall them guys
another six months
with appeals.

Your appeal time is through.

Within the week,
the sheriff will be here
to board the place up.

Wait a minute, hold it,
hold it, hold it here.
Don't rush off there, Abbott.

You finally got my name right.

Why wouldn't I know your name,
my boy, I know you.

Now, now, listen.

You can't run out in the street

every time you hear the sound
of my voice, you know.

Yeah, you'll never get all
of your work done.

Hey, we've got a lot
of work to do.

You know what I mean, here?

Listen, I'll do it your way.
Make it lighter.

You pay all the bills,
sign all the checks,

you know, do all the ordering
just like my partner done.

I'll throw in a free lunch
while you're working here.

Your choice of beverages
either coffee or tea.

Hey, I wanna give
a good report on you
to Rabinowitz.

All right, all right, all right.

Just don't expect me to
spend too much time here.

Why should you spend more time
here than you need?

- Hi, Archie, I'm ready to go to work.
- How do I look?

Uh, well...

Terrific.

Uh... this here is my niece,

- Barbara Lee Cecile.
- Billie.

- Uh, Billie.
- Roger.

- Hi. Do you
work here, too?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Youse both work here.

- But you work in there.
- And he works in there.

So, say bye-bye 'cause
never the train shall meet.

Come on.
Come on, come on.
Yeah.

There's something on your mind?

- Yeah.
- What?

The dent in my car.

Did you see this here, huh?

I don't know if I like this.

Eh. You seen all this before.

That's what I'm
complaining about.

This here
is a regular dayva-joo.