03x02 - The Business Manager

[bunniefuu]

Somebody's coming!

It's Uncle Archie.

- Hey, I'm home.
- Hi!

Don't do that, will ya?

Gimme a chance to get
in my chair. My hat now.

Where were you? I phoned
and you weren't there.

We're having company.

Oh, no, we ain't having
no company.

You tell Amy Bloom
not till Saturday night.

It's not Amy Bloom.
Guess who's coming to visit?

I just guessed. Nobody.

Billie.

Bill... Hey, I told you,
no boyfriends
till you're 21.

- What?
- Nineteen.

- It's not a boyfriend.
- It's not even a boy.

It's Billie Bunker.

- Who?
- Billie Bunker.

What is a Billie Bunker?

She's your brother's daughter,
which makes her
my first cousin,

- even though we're not
really related...
- Oh, no... Hold it, hold it.

Hold it a minute, will ya?

My brother Fred's daughter
was named after
his grandmother.

Also mine.

And her name was
Barbara Lee Cecile.

Billie's a nickname.
Remember last year's
Christmas card?

No, I don't read
Christmas cards.

Christmas gives me the blues.

- I'm setting another place.
- She'll be here any minute.

When did this all happen here?

Show him the telegram.

And why does she open
my telegram?

'Cause I couldn't get it away
from her in time.

Lemme read this thing here.
I can't read this thing here.

You mean that kid's
coming up here
from Pennsylvania?

No, Baltimore.

Oh, make a liar out of me
over Baltimore, will ya?

- God, it's on the borders of Pennsylvania, ain't it?
- I'll fix this up.

"Arriving New York,
6:00 p.m., EST."

- She's arriving Est?
- That's a nudist colony.

It doesn't mean that.

Yes, it does.

That's where they get
the people all excited
in the tubs

and then keep them away
from the toilets.

I think it says 6:00 p.m.,
E-S-T, Eastern Standard Time.

Oh, well, then why didn't
she say that?

Isn't it neat
that Billie's coming?

No! It ain't!

Well, who are you calling?

I'm calling my brother,
Fred, here.

I'm gonna let him know
that his daughter run
away from home.

She wouldn't run away
to a relative's house.

It's probably a vacation.

Nah, the only people
who take vacations
in New York is Arabs and Japs.

Everybody comes
to New York to see

the Empire State Building
and the Statue of Liberty.

And Rockefeller Center,
Chinatown,
the Metropolitan Museum.

Americans don't care
nothing about them things.

God, I've been living here
all my life,

I never seen them things,
and I never missed them.

It's ringing here.

Although he's probably
out on the town, you know,

with his teenaged wife.

Will you take us sightseeing?
It'll be so much fun.

- Oh, no, no.
- I can't take youse nowhere.

Mrs. Canby, could you please
get the meal on the table?

We're waiting for Billie.

If Billie is anything
like relatives the world over,

the minute the chow
is on the table,

she'll be breaking down
the door.

I give it about forty rings.
I guess nothing, huh?

You better be nice to her
when she gets here.

Don't be telling me that.

I don't know why people
is always telling me that.

I'm nice to everybody.

I can't wait till she gets here.

Well, you won't have long
to wait.
Here's the chicken.

You know,
sometimes my
power scares me.

- I'll get that.
- I'll get that.

- I'll get that.
- I'll get that.

All right, get that!

- Billie?
- Yeah, hi.

Hi, I'm Stephanie.

Hi, Archie. Remember me?

No!
Well, I mean, yeah, yeah.

Are you gonna let her in?

Yeah, I'm gonna let her in.
Come on, yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Boy, what a ride in
from the airport.

I had this cab driver who
couldn't speak English

and didn't know his way around.

That's normal
nowadays, you know.

I'm not sure, but I think
he asked me out on a date.

- Oh, my God!
- Listen, listen, kid,

I wanna ask you
about your father.

- Be nice.
- Shut up!

I'm Ellen Canby,
your uncle's housekeeper.

Oh, yes, uh...

this here is Ellen Canby,
your uncle's housekeeper.

- Welcome to New York.
- Oh, thank you.

I can't believe I'm here.

Let me take your coat.

- Yeah, take her coat.
- Yeah, and I'll take this little bag and put it over here.

Shut the door!

Oh, my God.
You got another one, huh?

- Yeah.
- Uh...

Well, I'm sorry
I didn't recognize you
at the door,

but, you know,
since I last seen you,

I mean, you grew a lot.

Oh, no. I haven't gotten
any taller since I was 12.

Well, I wasn't thinking
of taller so much there.

We were just starting dinner.
I'll bet you're hungry.

- Oh, I'm starving.
- I didn't eat on the plane.

Yeah, well, relatives
always say that.

- Oh, sit down, sit down.
- Here. Right here.

See, I set another place
for you there.

Well, well, well, well.

Uh...

Listen, I gotta be
honest with you, you know.

There ain't unfortunately
no guest rooms in this house.

We only got an attic up there.

And the last visiting relative

who stayed in that attic
was a certain Cousin Oscar.

He croaked up there.

So, how long are you staying?

A week, like my dad said.

Your dad said?

You mean your father
knows you're here?

Well, of course.

He didn't call you
and ask you if I could stay?

Honey, I ain't spoke
to your old man
in over two years.

You didn't know
that I was coming?

No.

Not until we got the telegram.

- Oh, my gosh.
- I'm so embarrassed!

Look, I can go stay in a hotel.

Yeah! Well, I mean,
have your meal first.

Uncle Archie,
she can stay here
in my room.

We're all ready for you.

I already cleaned out
three drawers
and made up the rollaway.

Oh, I don't wanna be
any trouble.

- Oh, no, no. Not at all.
- It'll be fun.

Like having a slumber party
every night.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you sure
that your father
ain't back there

dragging the
Delaware Water Gap
for your dead body?

He knows where I am.

Then why didn't he phone me?

I guess he forgot to call
because he's so excited.

He's on his honeymoon.

Still?

Can't he stop that
after two years?

You know, my brother
married a teenager.

Oh, no, he's not married
to Katherine anymore.

He's got a new wife, Cindy.

Oh, Cindy. Whoop-de-doo.

Another young one, huh?

Oh, no. This time he decided
to marry an older woman.

- Oh! An older one, huh?
- That's a nice change.

Yeah? How old?

She says 24,
but she's at least 26.

Makes you feel like a mummy,
don't it?

We're gonna have
a good time tomorrow.

Uncle Archie's gonna
take us sightseeing.

No, no, no. I can't take
time off from work

till my cook, Veronica,
comes back from her vacation,
you know.

And I gotta keep my eye
on the second cook, Jose,
'cause he cooks funny.

You see, he's from Nicarooga.

And he puts onions
and chili peppers in
the corned beef and cabbage.

Sounds good.

Well, maybe to your people,
Mrs. Canby.

But my customers,
they ain't too keen
on interracial cooking.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not
too keen on sightseeing.

- Sure, what do you care.
- You seen one Empire State Building,

- you seen them all, huh?
- Right.

It's just one Spanish special.
Pupusas.

Barney, stop that singing!

I don't want none of them here,

whaddyacall poopsoosas there
on the menu.

- That's all.
- -You don't know what's good.

In my country,
we eat it all the time.

Maybe that's why
in your country,
it's so full of wind.

Stop.

You're just lucky
that I don't understand
what you're saying to me.

But you got your orders,
remember.

No poopsoosas to leave
this here kitchen!

Hey, take it easy, Jose.

Veronica'll be back tomorrow
and then Archie can yell
at her.

Will you tell me
why he's trying to shove
Mexican stuff on us?

He ain't even Mexican.

What's the difference?

I cook chop suey
and I ain't Jewish.

Just do me a favor.

Stick to good old
American dishes, huh,
like Hungarian goulash.

Gee, I like Jose's cooking.

Oh, well, you.

You would like anything that
didn't wiggle on your plate.

Why is Veronica coming back
so soon?

Maybe she ain't getting along
with her relatives.

Well, that's it.
Now that she's off the booze,

she ain't got nothing
in common with them.

I love Jose's cooking.

Between the onions
and the chili peppers,

I almost got my sight back.

Hi, Archie.

Oh, well what a pleasant
surprise there, Barbara Lee.

Uh, Billie.

Yeah, whatever.
Come on in, come on in.

Hey, meet some of my friends.

- Right here is Barney Hefner.
- Hi.

Hi, Billie.

At the end of the bar,
Mr. Van Ranseleer.

- Hello, Billie.
- Hi.

This is the best bartender
in Queens,
Harry Snowball.

- Snowden.
- Den, den, den, den.

This is my brother
Fred's daughter.

Do I have to call you that?

- Please.
- Yeah, Billie.

This is a really nice place.

Yeah, you hungry?
Can we give ya some lunch?

- Oh, no, I've already eaten.
- But how do you get to Times Square?

Times Square? Oh, hey,
you don't wanna go in there.

Times Square.
That's full of preverts
and degenerates there.

And jobs and apartments.

Hookers. Oh, hey, no.

That's the last place
in New York that a visitor
wants to go to.

You see,
because nowadays the place
is crawling with depravos.

You got muggers there,
you got purse snatchers,

you got boys dressed like girls,

you got girls
with boots and tattoos.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What did you say?
Jobs and apartments?

Well, I'm going to live here
in New York.

Oh, hold it, hold it.

You were only supposed
to be visiting here
for a week?

With you, just until I get
my own apartment and a job.

I think New York's terrific.

So do I!

♪ New York, New York
it's a wonderful town!

Will you stop singing, huh?

- Come over here, come over here.
- Sit down in this chair.

- Listen, honey.
- Oh, no, no, you can't stay here in New York.

Why not?

New York, I mean,
it ain't for people.

There are plenty of
people living here.
You, for instance.

- Oh, no, no.
- You can't count me.

- I was born here.
- I didn't know no better.

But you, you gotta go back
to Baltimore
where you belong.

I'm going to Manhattan
to find an apartment.

You couldn't afford
a closet in Manhattan.

I've got money, $600.

Oh, jeez, $600.

That'd barely get you
through a month.

I'm going to get a job.

And if you won't
give me directions,

I'll have to ask somebody else.

Oh, I can help you, Billie.

I'll tell you, when you
leave here,
you go right down

to the corner...

Barney, would you please,
please, huh?

- Distract him, Harry.
- Give him something free.

Make it something cheap.

Listen, you can't go out there
amongst all of them strangers
there and mingle.

You'll get mangled.

I will not.
If you're friendly to people,
people are friendly to you.

Oh, my God, do you hear this?
Listen, I can't argue with you
no more.

You ain't going in there.

You're gonna stay here with me
where I can keep
my eye on you.

Sorry, but I'm not.

You sit back down here!

I'm going to look
for an apartment.

- All right, all right, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
- All right.

If you're bound to go
in there to Manhattan,

then I'm going in there
with you.

Now, all right,
Harry take care
of the joint.

I can go by myself.

I know you can go by yourself.

You wanna see New York?
I'll show it to you.

You wanna see the Big Apple,
I'll show ya,
it's full of worms.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Sing your heart out, Barney!

Archie: One thing you
gotta learn in New York

is to always keep your purse
clutched close to your
whaddyacall...

Archie, everyone's not a crook.

Listen, I know people.

If there's one thing I know,
it's people, see.

For instance, take this black
guy over here on my left.

Black doesn't make him a crook.

I didn't say it did, honey.

Let me tell you something.

Black guys, when they do work,
they work very, very hard.

You can tell with this guy here,

with the silk suit,
you know,
and the clean fingernails.

He never lifted no barges
or toted no bales.

You heard that, huh?

Loud and clear.

I'm just giving you
a build-up over here.

This whole conversation
is so ridiculous!

I'll tell you what else
you gotta learn.

You gotta learn to keep
your eyes down and up
at the same time, you know.

So that you can observe
everything surruptiously.

How can you live
if you don't trust anyone?

I trust everyone to be

just a little distrust worthy.

He's right.
And unfriendly, too.

Ah, who's talking to you, madam?

See?

Aw, look at them
dangerous guys over there.

Don't look.

They're g*ng members.

You know where they're going?

To meet up with some other g*ng.

Then they all get together
and they have one of them
whaddyacall, rhumbas.

You're amazing.

You take one look at people
and you know
all about their lives.

It's just New York
street savvy, honey,
that's all it is.

Now, I'll tell you what we do.

We'll get off at Times Square,
I'm gonna take you up there,

I'm gonna show you
some of the sights,

and I'll buy you
a nice lunch there...

Oh, no, I've already had lunch.

All right, then I'll buy you
a nice big Carvel cone, huh?

Then we go home,
you have supper,
you go to bed.

First thing in the morning,
back to Baltimore.

That's where you're going.

You know what else I'm gonna do?

- What?
- Get away from you.

Hold it! Wait!
Wait a minute. Wait.
Wait for me, now.

Hey, aren't you a little old
for her?

Who's asking?

I think you'd better
leave her alone, mister.

Aw, why don't youse guys
mind youse own business?

Hey, this is our business.

How is it your business?

Here's how, baby.

We're the Good Samaritans.

Protectors of the people.

Oh, my God.

And there's
the door closing, there.

If you really wanted
to protect the girl,

you shoulda got off the train
when she got off, there.

Now she's all alone,
wandering around New York.

I'm glad I seen youse guys
'cause I wanna give you
my opinion.

I think youse all
ought to go
back to crime.

Where youse know
what youse are doing.

How can you cops tell me
youse are out on the streets
fighting crime?

You're sitting on your butts
there in the station house

talking to me on the telephone!

- And let me ask you this...
- He hung up on me.

What'd the police say, Arch?

They ain't even gonna
start looking for her

till she's missing 24 hours.

Do you know how many ways
a person could get k*lled
in 24 hours?

Three?

Four?

You know, Barney,
there's times
I could strangle you.

Hey, that's five.

- There's nothing for you to do here, Arch.
- Why don't you go home?

What am I gonna go home to?

Face the kid and Mrs. Canby?

God, what am I gonna tell them?

Yeah. And what are you gonna
tell your brother,

the dead girl's father?

Oh!

Here, fill your mouth
with these, will ya, Barn?

Oh, well, listen, Harry,
it's all right, he's right.

What am I gonna tell
my brother Fred,

who never liked me anyway?

That I got in a fight
with his daughter?

That she run away from me
off the subway

out into nowhere
and God knows what happened?

I mean, that ain't gonna bring
the two of us very close,
is it?

Sounds like she was
more scared of you
than New York.

Whatever happens,
the truth is best.

Ah, no, no.
I beg to disagree,
Mr. Van R.

The truth is rarely the best.

Maybe on your deathbed,
you know?

But for everyday living,
it don't work.

Just trying to help.

You know that guy that's been
k*lling all those girls?

It's a good thing
they caught him.

Oh, they ought to keep
that maniac in forever.

They let him out yesterday.

Oh, God!

Not enough evidence.

Oh, you know, can't we talk
about something else.

Yeah. These bills.

Something else.

They gotta be paid, Arch.

Well, can you put them
on my desk?

There ain't no room
on your desk.

Can we talk about it tomorrow?

That's what you said
three weeks ago.

Oh!
I gotta get out of here.

The way youse guys
is aggravating me.

Hey, Arch, you going home?

Yeah. Do you mind?

Yeah, well, all this talk
about k*lling people

could unnerve a person.

Would you like me
to walk you home?

No.

Would you like to walk me home?

Ah!

What are you gonna
tell them at home, Arch?

I don't know.
I'll think of something,
Mr. Van R.

Mrs. Canby.

I'm here.

Oh, you are?

Yeah, here I am.

In that case, can I leave?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
- Go ahead, go ahead.

- Okay, good night.
- Oh, I'd better warn you.

Stephanie is very upset
with you.

How does she know what I done?

I mean why?

Stephanie: Uncle Archie,
is that you?

No.

Good luck.

I've got to talk to you.
It's about Billie.

Yeah, well I wanna talk
to you about Billie, so
sit down in the chair there.

What happened?
Why is Billie...

No, no, let me talk first,
will you? Let me talk first.

Uh, to begin with, see,

- I didn't wanna go into the city on the subway.
- That was her idea.

She forced me to do that, see.

So, I took her in there.

Then as soon as we got
onto the train,

uh, I don't know what happened,

but she suddenly got
scared of something, you know?

And the doors opened
and she run off the train,

the doors closed, the train
went on, and now I don't know
where she is.

She's in the bedroom.

Maybe the... Huh?

Billie!

She's here?

Hi.

Now, what're you
doing here all
in one piece?

Do you know the police
are very mad
for what you done?

What did I do?

You made me call them up
and report you missing.

But I'm here.

You coulda turned the corner
and then woke up
and found yourself dead.

But I didn't.

But this is a very tough city.

Very expensive, too.

What did you buy?

No, I went looking
for an apartment.

- Oh, well, you see, you see, huh, I was right, huh?
- You see?

I have to admit you were.

Yes, I was. I was right.

And I'm right
about everything else
I told you, too.

New York is no place
for a very young
and very single girl.

So, when are you leaving?

Tomorrow morning.

Good.

Don't let her go.

Hey, will you stay out of this?

Home in Baltimore
is the best place for her.

- Oh, I'm not going home.
- I'm going to a hotel.

A hotel where?

Well, I found a perfect place
right off 42nd Street
for $12 a night.

Well, of course,
towels and sheets
are extra.

So is the shotgun
you're gonna need

to hold off the cat burglars
and the roaches.

Well, I'll only be there
about a month until I can
move into my apartment.

You got an apartment?

Yeah. The crummy one
she's renting
with five other people.

And they're not all girls.

Who the hell are
these people here?

I thought you didn't know
nobody in New York.

Well, I don't. I answered
an ad in the Village Voice.

Well, when are you gonna
move into this apartment?

As soon as the dwarf gets work.

Did she say, "As soon as
the dwarf gets work"?

Uncle Archie,
you can't let her leave.

I can't let her leave
if she's gonna move
into a joint like that!

Well, I can take care of myself.

Besides, it's all I can
afford right now.

Well, then stay here.
And Uncle Archie'll give you
a job at the bar,

and you can save some money,
and you won't have to live
in a gross place.

Besides,
I don't want you to leave.

Just a minute, please, huh?
I got a lot of problems down
at the bar, there.

You told me you need another
waitress down there.

Yes, but still...

Well, I don't know
if I want to be a waitress.

- Sure you do.
- You'll make lots of money, get big tips.

Say it's okay,
Uncle Archie, please?

Well, I know how
you hate company.

But you're not company,
you're family.

Isn't she?

But you're not company,

you're family.

Well, I'll tell you
what we better do then.

You stay over tonight.

And then, uh...

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay.

Did you ever see
any pictures of my mother?

No.

Well, you look
something like her.

Well, as long as you're family,

don't just sit there,

jump up and get me a beer.

Sure. You want a glass?

No, he takes it straight
from the can.

Thanks.

Oh, don't be all over me, now.

I know what it's all about.
'Cause you got what you want.

You got somebody to play with.

Here you go.

Yeah, thanks a lot, kiddo.

I should be thanking you.

Thank you.

Oh, think nothing of it.

You know what I wanted
to ask you?

One of my friends at school said

I should wear my hair
parted on the side.

Do you think that
that would look good...

Hey, hey, hey,
leave your hair alone,
will you?

Leave it the way it is,
that's the way I like it!

- Don't be talking now.
- Go on up to bed, both of youse.

Come on, Stephanie,
help me unpack.

Yeah, go on, go on,
do something.

Good night.

Good night, good night,
good night, good night...

You know, my Uncle Archie
still thinks I'm a baby.

Now, you'll be able to
take me shopping.

Listen, if you're gonna
billet anybody else
with me, huh,

can you make it a boy?

I know they don't look nice,
but at least they can
carry out big garbage cans.