02x15 - Stephanie's Science Project

[bunniefuu]

Now, Mrs. Canby,
in case of emergencies...

I call the Catskill Inn.

Number?

Area code 914, 555-6200.

- Room?
- 319.

And if I ain't there?

You're in the convention center
by the bar equipment display.

Or?

The Cheeses of
the World exhibit.

Hey! Hey, bring me back
some Dutch Limburger.

- Not in my car.
- Can we go?

All right, all right.
Come on, I'm goin', I'm goin'.

- God, I hate to leave home.
- I never enjoy myself.

Now don't worry
about a thing here.

Stephie and I have
a great weekend planned.

Tomorrow, Mrs. Canby's taking me
to the Museum of Modern Art.

They got any nude statues
in that Museum of Modern Art?

Yes, but they look
more like bicycles.

- Murray: Arch, can we go?
- Come on, we will never beat that traffic.

- All right, all right.
- Now remember, all of youse.

- Take care of yourselves.
- Be careful when I'm gone.

Remember, you're
livin' in New York.

I'll see you in
a couple of days.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yes.

Are you happy? Good girl.

Don't talk to nobody
on the streets.

Why?

'Cause nobody's any good.

- Bye. Drive carefully.
- Bye-bye.

Yeah.

Okay, son, thank you.

- Here you go.
- Wait a minute,
what are you givin' him here?

- A buck.
- Make it a half a buck.

I'm turnin' the lamp on.

- Here you go, son.
- Thank you.

Well, nice room, huh?

- Well, I guess it ain't bad.
- It smells kind of funny.

Oh, well, look,
that's the air freshener.

Makes it smell
like it's outdoors.

If you wanna smell the outdoors,
why rent a room?

- Oh, holy cow.
- Look at this.

Oh, what's the matter now?

Why do they always
do this in hotels?

Stretch these things
across the can?

God, "For your own protection."

What the hell do they think
I'm gonna do, fall in?

- Forget the room, will you?
- We're not gonna be in it that much.

Oh, here you go.

Here's your identification tags.

Here you go.
There's yours.
And here's mine.

- Ooh, look at this!
- Look at this, will you?

Sauna and massage
and co-ed hot tubs.

Dial 0-0.

Co-ed hot tubs.

Ain't that awful?

A bunch of half-naked people

thrashin' around
in one of them tubs

doin' God knows what
under the bubbles.

Don't be so narrow-minded.

Let me tell you something.

It's that kind of stuff that
destroyed the Japanese empire.

What are you talking about?

Yes, yes.

While all the Japs was relaxin'
in them tubs there,

MacArthur was
sneakin' up on them.

Look, Arch, you've been
out of the mainstream
for a long time.

You know, this is the '80s.
You're still back in the '40s.

Now get with it, will you?

Excuse me, I'm gonna freshen up.

Massage.

No.

Hi, Mrs. Canby, it's me.

Yeah, well, yeah,
we got here fine.

No, no, no, no.
I ain't worried about nothin'.

I just thought that maybe
I left the phone off the hook?

It is off the hook?

- Oh, yeah.
- You're usin' it, sure.

Well, listen, while
I got you on the wire,

I was noticin' here,
that it was gettin' dark,

so I figured it must be
dark there, too, you know.

And where's the kid?

Oh, she's doin' her
homework. That's nice.

No, no, don't put
her on the wire there, see,

'cause that might upset her.

Did she bawl a lot after I left?

Nothin', huh?

Tough little nut, ain't she?

Well, look, I won't take up
more of your time there.

I can call you tomorrow. Yeah.

- Yes, yes, good night.
- Good night.

Murray:
What are you calling home for?

Nothin'. I forgot somethin'.

Like what?

My cuticle scissors,
the hell with them.

Come on, forget about home.

- We're here to relax.
- Loosen up, live a little.

Oh, my God!

Pretty snazzy, eh?

Where did you find that,
in the shower?

I had it custom-made.

Archie: Why?

Why?

Well, because it makes me
look ten years younger.

It makes me feel good
to wear it.

And what's wrong with that?

But you look like
a different guy.

Well, that's what
life is all about.

You gotta try new things, you
know, keep experimenting, Arch.

Experimenting? Who are you?

Dr. "Jerkyll" and Mr. "Klein"?

All right, enough of this, huh?

Let's get down to the bar,
have a drink and...

mingle around.

We'll go down
and have a little drink.

Forget about the mingling.

Okay.

Let's just be on
our merry way, then, huh?

And whatever happens, happens.

I wanna see what happens
to that doily when you sneeze.

Thank you.
Hey, this is great, isn't it?

I don't like this
kind of a crowd, Murray.

Everybody on the make.

Come on, just people
tryin' to have fun before
the moral majority takes over.

They're regular,
ordinary businesspeople
just like you and me.

- What's the matter with you?
- Hi, I'm Al Bandini.

This is a regular businessperson
like you and me?

What the hell are you as?

I'm a salami.

Why?

'Cause I am Bandini Meats.

You know, salami, pastrami,
corned beef, liverwurst,
head cheese.

We're very well known on
the East Coast, soon to go west.

I want you gentlemen to have
a totally new experience.

- Here's one for you.
Here's one for you.
-Thank you.

You got a Kaiser roll?

Before I go, I wanna leave you

with the one keyword
for the 1980s.

Murray: What?

Beef jerky.

Hi, girls.

I want you to have
a totally new experience.

Isn't that ridiculous?

A grown man walking around
like a living salami.

What about a grown man walkin'
around under a dead beaver?

Some people find
this very attractive.

And if you look to your right,
you'll see exactly
what I mean.

- Hi, fellas. How are you?
- Hi, fellas.

- Hi!
- Sit down!

- Shut up.
- I'm Betty and this is Marlene.

Hello, Betty and Marlene.

I'm Murray.
This is Archie there.

We run a prosperous little
bistro on the North Shore.

He means we own a saloon
in Astoria.

Fantastic! We're with
Bayside Distributors

and we would love for you
to join us tonight.

We're having a party
in suite 811.

A party? Tonight?

- Would you come?
- 811? We would love to.

- No, we can't make that.
- Oh, come on.

There'll be food and drinks
and lots of attractive ladies.

Attractive ladies...

Well, I mean,
that don't grab me.

What's the matter,
don't you like women?

- No!
- Hey, wait a minute!

- Don't worry about it, boys.
- We respect that.

Let's go, Betty.

Thanks a lot, pal.

You know what they think we are?

Do you know what they are?

That's what I wanted
to find out.

- Ask me. I'll tell you.
- Ask you?

- Look, I'm not gonna meet any women hangin' around with you.
- You're a drag.

- I came here to mingle.
- I'm gonna mingle.

Murray, we're supposed to
be inspectin' bar equipment.

Well, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Where you goin'?

I'm gonna inspect
a well-equipped bar.

Listen, I may want to use
the room to entertain,

so if you see a "don't disturb"
sign on the door,

- you know what that means, huh?
- Yeah, it means
you're an animal.

You'll never guess!

Oh, why?

'Cause you don't know me.

Can I sit down?

Oh, well, lady, I'm alone.

Oh, good, so am I!

I'm Gladys Pfeiffer.

Yeah. How do you do?

Waitress, check, please.

And you're...

Archie Bummer.

- Oh, that's Bunker, lady.
- Bunker.

Bunker.

Oh.

That name makes me sad.

Why?

'Cause my first husband
was k*lled in World w*r II.

In a bunker.

The best place to be sad
is alone in your room.

Oh, I don't have
to talk about him.

Good.

He was a wonderful guy.

Would you like
to hear about him?

No.

We met in high school
in the ninth grade.

Yeah, see, he was in
the band and I twirled.

Waitress.

It was love at first sight.

Don't tell me about it.

You know, he had blue eyes,
just like you.

She tells me anyway.

Only he was thin.

Waitress!

- Ooh.
- There we are.

Come on in, Diana.

- Make yourself comfortable.
- Take off your fox.

I'll be right with you.

Room service?

I'd like a nice, chilled
bottle of Cordon Rouge.

Now, how long will that take
to get up here?

45 minutes? Why so long?

That's all right, honey.
We'll still be here.

Okay, fine. Thank you.

319.

That's right.

Well...

Diana.

Murray.

Tell me, how long have you been
distributing organic food?

For a couple of years.

But we didn't come up here
to discuss business,

now, did we?

No, you're so right.

- Oh, you're tickling me.
- I'm ticklish.

Ooh! Your perfume
is driving me crazy.-

Oh, God, you've got it
all over you, too.-

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

Hey, hey. Hey.

What do you want?

More than you planned on, tiger.

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the kind of guy to wear
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the kind of guy to wear
a money belt.

Look, I told you,
that's all I have.

Now look, just take what
you want, but don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.

Hey, what time is it?

It's half past...

Here, look, just take it
and leave me alone.

- Back up.
- Yes, ma'am. Whatever you say.

Whatever you say.

Oh...

What's the matter?

I was hoping for a Longines.

- That's a joke, Murray.
- Laugh.

Sit.

You know, you conventioneers.

You always carry
around too much cash.

Doesn't anybody
listen to Karl Malden?

You've done this before,
haven't you?

Yeah.

Sorry to tell you, Murray,
but you're not my first.

- Let me ask you something.
- Why me?

When you paid for
my drink in the bar,

you flashed quite a roll
to impress me.

Oh! Dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb.

What's that for?

I don't want you to call
the police until after
I'm long gone.

So put your hands
through here. Come on.

Yep. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, okay. All right.

- Now lie down.
- Yes, yes.

Yes, whatever you say.
Right, right.

Right. Oh, okay.

And then we went
into the eleventh grade.

Youse didn't go on
to college, did youse?

We were planning to,

but tragedy struck.

Again?

I was so low.

I seriously considered
k*lling myself.

Waitress!

Have you ever felt that way?

It's comin' over me now.

You get depressed, too.

Oh, I knew we were soul mates.

I wouldn't touch me
if I was you, lady.

But I gotta, you're so adorable.

Yeah, but I got
the heartbreak of psoriasis.

But you don't let it
get you down.

You know what I really
like best about you?

You're kind.

Now I think you're the kindest,

most sensitive man
I have met in a long time.

But you don't talk
enough about yourself.

I mean, like...

what do you do for fun?
You have any hobbies?

Yeah. Magic.

Oh, I love magic.

Could you do some for me?

Well, maybe I could.

Look off into space there
and close your eyes.

Oh, this is exciting.

Now, don't open
your eyes again, now.

Okay.

Until after you finished
countin' up to ten.

Go.

- He did it!
- He made himself disappear!

I'll find you, you little devil.

Relax, Murray, you're
not getting out of this.

Who's that? -

It's probably Archie,
my roommate.

Oh, no.

Listen, you play along
with everything I say.

Pretend that you're
having a good time.

Or I'll sh**t you
and then I'll sh**t him.

Hi, Arch.
I'm entertaining.

Jeez, why didn't you put
that sign on the door there?

I forgot.

Well, I...

What the hell is going on here?

You're all tied up!

You look like you're in pain.

- He begged me to do it.
- It's the only thing he likes.

Nothing else works for me, Arch.

I feel soiled.

- What the hell are you.
- A "kinko"?

I'm a victim of my upbringing.

Don't blame a thing like
this on your poor mother!

You know, I heard about
people like this before,
but I've never met one.

You oughta be horsewhipped!

Please, don't get him excited!

All right, all right, all right.

- Come on, child.
- Get up off of that bed.

Come over here.

Now, this oughta
be a lesson to you.

Never go into
a man's hotel room.

Didn't your poor father
ever tell you that?

Just before he passed away.

Ain't that sad?

You oughta be ashamed.

Can I go home now?

- Yes, of course you can.
- You should go home now.

Come on.
Don't look back at that!

Here, you go home and get
yourself a nice cup of cocoa

and get into your bed and put
all of this outta your mind.

You're a very nice man.

Well, thank you.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Call the police!

The minute I seen you
put that rug on your head,

I knew you was weird.

Call the police!

- The police?
- Yes!

The police is the last people
you want at a time like this,
Murray, huh?

Do you know what them big,
innocent upstate cops

would do to
a degenerate like you?

I don't care what they would do.

This was a stickup.
She had a g*n.

What a lot of malarkey.

No, no. Check my wallet
on the table there.

Go. Check it.
Take a look. Go ahead.

Murray, you was robbed!

Will you get me
out of these ropes?

- Yeah, all right.
- Don't worry about it.

- You're in no danger now.
- I gotta call somebody first here.

Aw, jeez.

How am I gonna explain this
to all the guys back home?

You don't have to.

Hello, desk?

Listen, I want you to
get me the police here.

This is Archie Bunker,
I'm up in room 319.

Yes, we was robbed.

No, no. Nobody's hurt.

See, what happened is this
beautiful young blonde girl

with a g*n,
she come in here, see?

And she overpowered
my partner, Murray Klein.

Murray Klein.

You must have seen him cruising
around the bar in a toupee.

Would you shut up?!

I gotta tell somebody.

- Yes, all right.
- They'll be right over?

- Good, good.
- Soon as you can. Bye.

Jeez.

- Is this all she done to you?
- Rob you?

- No, she tied me up.
- Now, will you untie me?

She didn't let you
do nothin' first?

- I don't believe...
- Will you get me out of these ropes?

- Oh, yeah.
- Sure, sure.

Oh, by the way,
look what I brung ya.

Oh, come on!

Take it easy, take it easy!

I tried to warn you
about this, you know.

Stay away from women.

Keep away, 'cause they're
all dangerous, see?

That's why I got married,

so I could stay the hell
away from 'em.

Yeah, come in.

Excuse me!

Boy, do they sure get
all kinds at these
conventions.

Now don't be a smart aleck.

You don't know what this
poor man's been through here.

Listen, what two
consenting adults do in
the confines of their own room,

it's okay with me.

What the hell
is he talking about?

Get off me!

Oh! Oh, boy.

Oh, I feel so stupid.

Boy, she must have
seen me coming.

She did, she did.

You was hot-to-trot and it was
wrote all over your face there,

not to mention
the top of your head.

- Oh, come on.
- Will you lay off me?

You know I almost got k*lled?

You almost got k*lled.

Why can't you control
your sexual surges there?

Dates, girls, parties, bars.
Why do you keep doin' it?

Because I just happen to like
a little fun. Is that a crime?

It was tonight and I hope you
learned somethin'.

- Oh, I did.
- And from that girl.

What?

Carry traveler's checks.

Oh, that's A,
but then there is B.

Come in, Officer.

And this is a thing
I have known all my life.

Never pick up a woman in a bar!

Why did you leave me at the bar?

Oh, my God.

Archiekins, you disappeared,
but I found you.

Archiekins?

Murray...

Oh, you ordered champagne!

Oh, how romantic.

I'll wait for
the police downstairs.

I don't think you want them
to come up here, do you?

Oh, Murray. Come on, this
ain't what you think here.

I see. Yes.
I'll leave this sign on
the outside of the door.

Archie: Murray!

- Archiekins.
- Murray.

Murray! -

Well, here we are.

Yeah.

What are we gonna do now?

Aw, jeez.

Oh, well.

As long as we're
all alone in the room.

Would you care to
join me on the bed here?

No more magic?

Oh, the hell with magic.

The time for that kid's stuff
is long passed. Come over here.

Well...

Ain't this, what do you call...

"entre moose"?

- I guess so.
- Yeah.

Would you mind if I...

tied you up?

Yes!

Well, then how about
tyin' me up, huh?

What the hell am I laughin' at?

The whole world is doin' this!