02x12 - Barney the Gambler

[bunniefuu]

Place..."

So...

What do you want?

I want my granddaughter.

I want Stephanie to
come and live with me.

h*, h*, h*, h*.

Also, I'm appointing someone
to the SPCC
to investigate both homes.

Oh, Judge, it's a child
we are talking about,
not a c*ck spaniel.

I'll okay him.

But this is
a child custody case,

and he's not a relative.

He doesn't stand a chance.

Hey, come on, kid,

- you better hurry up, you know.
- We don't wanna be late.

Stephanie: Okay!

Here you go.

Good.

Now nobody can say
you don't have
all your buttons.

Yeah, thanks.

That was supposed
to make you laugh.

Well, thanks for trying,
but you know the way I feel.

Listen,
what are you being
so cheerful about?

Depending on what
happens down
at the court today,

you could be out of a job here.

Nothing bad is going to happen.

- Oh, come on.
- You seen that lady.

She's youthful there,
she's rich,

she can give that kid
a beautiful life.

Look at me,
in debt and
over the hill.

Don't say you're too old.

Mrs. Harris is no
younger than you.

Oh, yeah?
Well, she certainly
looks younger. How come?

Elizabeth Arden
could tell you that.

Aw, jeez!

Why are you giving up already?

Well, because I was on the ear

and I happened to hear
that social worker
say something.

What did you hear?

I heard that
I ain't got a chance.

I can't let it
get me down, though,

because, I mean, after all,
maybe this will be the
best thing for the kid.

No, it wouldn't.

Hey, you shouldn't
be "eavesdripping" there,
on the stairs,

you know that.

What do you know?

Your grandma is rich there.

She could give you
enough cowboy hats
to make up a posse there.

And all kinds of other stuff.

Who cares about that?

I just want to stay here
with you and Mrs. Canby
and all my friends.

Hey, did you ever think
maybe you can make
new friends, huh?

I mean better friends,
with money.

I won't go to court.

I'll sit right here
and not move all day.

I'll get it.

- Hi, Murray.
- Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?

Fine.

Well, everybody ready
for the big day?

Do you have to be so cheerful?

- Feed me some bad fish.
- I'll look like you.

Mr. Rabinowitz says
I have to stay in the hall
until they call my name.

Well, we all have
to wait in the hall,

and that is fun.

We can watch
the secretaries getting
on and off the elevator.

That might fill your day,

but don't you think
the child ought
to take a book?

I'll take my homework.

So I won't have
to do it when I get home.

Uh, honey, I keep telling you

there's a chance
you might not
be coming home.

You'll be here,
Mrs. Canby, won't you?

Archie: Uh, no.

- Sure.
- I'm making a ham and potato salad,

so invite everybody back here.

Don't tell her that.
Don't tell her that.

Don't you worry.

No matter what,
this is your home
and always will be.

Come on,
look at the time,
look at the time.

- That's right.
- Come on, it's late.

We've got the car right outside.

Isn't Barney going with you?

Yeah, sure,
he's a character witness.

Barney's going
to meet us down
at the courthouse.

Well, then
you better bring
a comic book,

so he'll have
something to do
in the hall.

Come on.

Witness: Not only
is Mrs. Harris

an upstanding member
of the community,

but, due to her
very wise investments,

and a large trust fund,

her annual income
is considerably
more than adequate

to provide not only
the essentials
for the child,

but also to give
her a great many
advantages.

Including a private education.

What would that mean?

Well, Your Honor,
Mrs. Harris has
already made inquiries

into private schools
both here and abroad.

So that, if and when
she travels,

she plans to keep
the child with her
at all times.

Oh.

No more questions, Your Honor.

No questions.

Wait a minute,
what do you mean,
"no questions" here?

I got a question.

- I got a question.
- Excuse me there, Your Honor.

This woman wants to take
the kid overseas,

raise her in some foreign
country over there

where she'll never
see Old Glory
flying overhead

and where the people
refuse to speak English.

Can she do that?

She can if I say she can.

I'll never get to see
the kid at all.

Shush!

Anything happen yet?

Well, the other side
is still at bat.

Her business manager
just stepped down.

When does our side get up?

Be patient, Steph.

Wanna play cards?

I brought my Braille deck.

No. Those cards
are marked.

You always win.

Veronica,
I think you ought
to go back to work.

This may take a while.

I want to stay here
and give Archie
moral support.

I'll give it to him.

Okay.

- Murray Klein.
- Here.

- It's not mine.
- I was just holding it for a friend.

Hey, Mr. Van R.,
will you help me
with my speech?

Yeah, sure, Barney.

But I can't correct
your spelling.

It was my extreme pleasure
to make the acquaintance
of the defendant...

Respondent.
Respondent, Barney.
He's not a hood.

Respondent,
Archibald Bunker,
in 1946,

when he snatched me
from the path

of an oncoming
double-decker bus,

thereby saving
the rest of my
natural life.

Barney, that's a lie.

So what? The judge
will never know.

Unless he was driving the bus.

Nah.

From bus driver to judge?

Look who's going to be
in the White House.

Hey.

Mr. Klein, could you
tell the court

what Mr. Bunker's
attitude is

regarding the child's
religious education?

Very cooperative.

I mean, Stephanie
never misses Sunday school
at the local temple.

Mmm, and Friday night services?

Well, I take her when I can.

- So then you would say that Mr.
- Bunker is a religious man.

I object, Your Honor.

He's leading the witness, sir.

- I'd like to hear the answer.
- Is he religious?

Yes.

Yes, in his own way, he is.

What's his own way?

He's scared of God.

Thank you.

No more questions.

Mr. Klein, you spend
a good deal of time
with Mr. Bunker.

Oh, yes, of course I do.

Does he ever lose his temper?

Well, once in a while he yells.

I mean, we all do.

But he yells in a friendly way.

How do you yell
in a friendly way,
Mr. Klein?

With a smile on your face.

- Would you describe Mr.
- Bunker as a prejudiced man?

Uh, objection, Your Honor!

- Sustained.
- But I'd like to hear the answer anyway.

Let me be
more specific,
Your Honor.

Mr. Klein,
have you ever
heard Mr. Bunker

use words like
"Hebe", "sheeny", or "yid"?

"Sheeny" is not
one of his words.

Your Honor, I object
to this whole line
of questioning!

Counselor, wrap this up!

Yeah, I'm all done, Your Honor.

That's all the questions I have.

Bernstein:
Your Honor, I think
that should establish

something about
Mrs. Harris' credentials.

Mrs. Harris, could
you tell the court
how you felt

when you finally found
your granddaughter
after all these years?

Oh, now, Counselor.

- She was never lost.
- Why waste time on questions like that?

Mrs. Harris,

what alienated you
from your daughter
and your grandchild?

My husband disowned my daughter

when she married
that Floyd Mills,
Stephanie's father.

Religious differences.

My husband
wouldn't even let me
bring up her name.

And you just
went along with that?

Well, I had no choice.

He was a very strong man,
and I was very
dependent on him.

But I'm not anymore.

What changed?

He died and left me
a lot of money.

Well, that'll do it.

And Mr. Davis'
report also states

that you're doing a great
deal of traveling now.

Yes, and I would
like Stephanie
to come with me.

No ordinary classroom
can give the education
that traveling can.

Well, isn't that
a lot of trouble,
traveling with a child?

Oh, no, she'd be
wonderful company!

Listen, why did you
wait so long to get
in touch with the kid?

Why did you
wait this long to get
in touch with the kid?

Well, I knew that the poor baby

had been pushed
in and out
of so many homes,

I didn't want
to disrupt her again.

Until now?

Well, the circumstances
have changed, Your Honor.

Mrs. Bunker
isn't there anymore.

And I'm concerned for Stephanie.

About what, specifically?

Well, about the fact
that there's no woman
in the house.

There's a housekeeper,
Your Honor.

Not all the time.

What's she getting at?

Shush!

All I'm trying to say,
Your Honor,

is that I don't think it's right

for a young girl
to be raised by a man
who's not a relative.

I object, Your Honor.

I object, too!

You can't object, Bunker.

I gotta object, Judge.

You're out of order.

Well, gimme a minute,
Judge, huh?

I mean, I'm raising
that kid good there.

I never stop telling her
all the things she hadn't
ought to do.

I tell her everything
that's wrong.

Sit down, Bunker.

Listen, Judge, listen,

how do we know
how this woman's
husband really died?

Judge: Bunker!

You know,
you have no right
to accuse this lady.

Have you no respect for
a grandmother's rights?

Have you no regard
for the ties of family?

I'm sick of this.

Court is recessed
until 2:30.

Oh, Bunker, Bunker!

Ah, what's the difference?

I can't beat a grandma.
I might as well say my say.

- All right, make up your mind.
- Pick one or the other.

I like them both.

You can't have them both.

Which one is it going to be?

I don't have all day!
Come on!

Ah, good. I wanted
the Tootsie Roll.

I've got a very hard
decision to make.

No, you don't.

Let me stay where I am.

Why should I?

Because I don't want
to live with my grandmother.

She's mean.

She forced me to go shopping,

and then forced me
to eat a big lunch,

and then she
bought me this
big, ugly cowboy hat

and made me wear it
all day long.

And then she
dragged me around
till it was dark,

and finally
when we got home,
was I tired!

Is that so?

Yes!

Does your Uncle Archie
tell you to lie like that?

No. He tells me
never to lie,

and to be honest
and trusting and good
to other people.

Just like him.

Well, how about
being good to me?

I'd like to get home early.

Let's start with the truth.

Okay.

I don't want to live
with my grandmother.

Maybe you're not
old enough to know
what you want.

I know I don't want
to go to school in Europe.

Now, don't be so sure.
Traveling is fun.

I've traveled enough.

All over Brooklyn
and New Jersey. Twice.

When did you do that?

When my father
was trying to find
a place to dump me.

We finally ended up in Queens.

Aunt Edith and Uncle Archie

were the only ones
who'd take me.

And I don't want to leave,

because I like it there.

Tell me, what do
you like about it?

I like the house,
and my school,
and my friends,

and everybody at the bar,
and Mrs. Canby,

and I love Uncle Archie.

And I'm not gonna leave.

And I don't think
that this is fair.

What's not fair?

That you get to decide
where I live.

That's not fair!

Who ever told you
that life is fair?

Haven't I got any rights?

When you're 14,
you can have
legal rights.

Not now.

I really hate this!

Well, I hate it, too.

So, let's get it over with.

Now, what makes you think

that living with your
Uncle Archie is gonna
be good for you?

It might be
the worst thing
in the world for you.

I love him and he loves me!

- How do you know?
- Just because he kisses you a lot?

What are you staring at?

Is he affectionate or isn't he?

You won't like it if I tell you.

- I don't have to like it.
- Just tell me.

He's just like you.

- Well...
- No, I don't like it.

I mean, he likes
to act tough, like you.

- I'm not acting!
- I am tough!

I mean, he loves me,

but he doesn't show it,

the way my grandmother does.

How's that?

Well, she pets me like a puppy,

and she calls me her poor baby,

and I'm not a poor baby!

Doesn't your Uncle Archie
ever pet you?

No.

But that doesn't mean
he doesn't love me.

Aunt Edith used to say
it was hard for him
to show his feelings,

because his father
hit him with a shovel.

That'll do it.

But I know he loves me.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Did your father
hit you with a shovel?

No, with a rake.

All right, young lady,
that'll be enough.

You can go now. Thanks.

If I have to live
with my grandmother,
I'll run away.

Well, be sure and take
your passport,

because in Europe,
they'll stop you
at the border.

Oh, Eddie.

Give it five minutes
and then call the court
back into session.

Yes, Your Honor.

I know what you're saying.

If it's best for the kid,
I hadn't oughta kick.

That's the idea, Bunker.

I'll guarantee you'll
be able to visit the child

whenever you want.

Can you guarantee me
tickets with Freddy Flaker

to the five corners
of the Earth?

Sit down, sit down.

I don't have time
for formalities.

Mrs. Harris.

- Mrs.
- Harris, I have to agree with you.

The child is not
being raised in an
ideal environment.

But then when I look around me,

I realize that no one
is being raised in
an ideal environment.

Your Honor, there are
some environments

that are more ideal than others!

- Possibly.
- But, you see, what we're mainly concerned with here

is the needs
of that little girl.

And the choice between you two

of which one is best able
to fulfill those needs.

I should think
that was obvious,
Your Honor.

If it were obvious,
we would have been
finished two hours ago.

Well, don't blame me, Judge.
I ain't arguing no more.

Bunker, let me ask you.

If you were sitting in my seat,

and thinking only
of the little girl's good,

who would you give custody to?

Well, I wouldn't
know what to say
to that, Judge.

I mean, after all,
I want the kid.

You're not answering
my question.

Well, do I have
to talk out loud?

Step up.

Uh, Judge, see, uh...

Excuse me.

Well, Your Honor, you know,

with me, the kid
would have a roof
over her head,

and food on the table,
and clothes on her back,

and not a hell of a lot else.

And she'll just
have to pick up
her culture

around the neighborhood,
or do without it.

I can only give what I can give,

and God knows it ain't much.

So, if I were
sitting in your place,

I probably wouldn't
turn the kid over to me.

But then,
I wouldn't turn her
over to her, neither.

- Why wouldn't you want Mrs.
- Harris to have the child?

Because, Judge,
with all her and her
husband's money there,

and all the fancy
and the beautiful life
they gave their daughter,

when the kid was 17,

she ran away from them,
and she married
that bum Floyd.

My little girl
didn't do that to me.

When my daughter
found the guy
she wanted to marry,

she brung him home.

And he wasn't no bum, Judge.

He come from a fine,
old-fashioned Polack
family out in Chicago.

And the two of them
moved in with me

and lived under my roof
and on top of me
for 10 years.

And never an argument, Judge.

And that's all I got to say.

Your Honor,
now that we have
heard about his family,

could we talk about mine?

Could we talk about Stephanie?

If you had your say,

you would like the child
taken out of the Bunker
house, hmm?

Well, of course, I would.

I can give her everything.

All the finer things,
private schooling,

a head start in life!

And, yes, she should
be with a woman.

- If not her mother, then her grandmother.
- Her own mother's mother.

- I can give her what she needs.
- He can't.

You know, I'm afraid
that you have some
of the child's needs

confused with your
own needs, Mrs. Harris.

I'm giving legal custody
to Mr. Bunker.

No!

Oh, thank God!

I mean, thank you, Judge.

Sit down.

Yes, sir.

I can't believe
this is happening!
Why are you doing this?

That girl has two years
invested in Mr. Bunker,

and he's become her
psychological parent.

She's established roots
and a sense of security.

Why, disrupting
everything at this time
could be most harmful.

Then you mean
you're disregarding
all that I can do for her?

No, I didn't say
you couldn't do
things for her.

When she's 17 or 18,
take her on that
trip to Europe.

But what can he do for her now?

He's a totally uneducated man!

- Mrs.
- Harris, my father was an ignorant laborer

and he drank too much,
and I became a judge.

- I raised two daughters.
- One's an attorney,

and the other dropped
out of high school

and is handing out
flowers at the airport.

We all do the best we can,

and I'm sure
Mr. Bunker will do okay.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, Your Honor.

Hey, hey, Rabinowitz,

I thought your
big-mouth nephew there
never lost a case.

Well, that's because
the little pisher was
never up against me.

- Congratulations, Bunker.
- Zol zayn mit glik.

Thanks.
What does that mean?

It means that
"In your life may
everything be good."

Oh, hey, that's nice.
Hey, listen,

you could make that
come true by sending me
a very small bill.

He's laughing at that.

Oh, excuse me,
just a minute here.

I just wanted to say
that, you know,

a lot of bad things
was said here,

but no matter
what you and me
feel about each other,

we gotta think of the child.

Did you imagine
I was going to stop
thinking about her?

Well, no, I guess not.

I'm going to pray for her.

Well, that wouldn't
do no harm, neither.

Oh, God.

Don't worry.

The kid is going to be okay.

She is with people who love her.

What could go wrong?

Her grammar, for one thing.

Was that a shot?

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't think
that's very polite.

I come over here
to, you know,
sorta shake hands,

and say that
you being her only
grandma there,

that if you
wanna come to see her,
it was okay by me.

Oh, I want to see her.

Now that I've found her,

I don't want to lose her again.

Well, okay.

You can drop around
whenever you want.

Thank you.

Phone first.

Well...

Goodbye.

Uncle Archie?

We gotta go
call up Mrs. Canby

and we'll tell her that
we're both coming home.

But first you gotta go in there,

and kiss your
grandmother goodbye, huh?