02x10 - Custody: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, the whole world
loves cake.

You know, the French'll eat
cake with breakfast.

So will the Germans,
if they run out of pickles.

Chocolate cake.

- Ah, look at this.
- Look at this.

Wait a minute,
what is this, huh?

One, two, zilch.

Ain't you forgetting something?

That's right, you take cream
in your coffee, don't you?

Come on, come on,
you know what I mean.

Where's my cake?

You told me last night that
you wanted to lose weight.

- She's right.
- Button up, huh?

You can't start a diet
on an empty stomach.

Sorry, it's the last piece.

- Give me some of yours.
- No.

One bite!

- Come on, give me a bite of that, huh?
- -No.

It's for your own good.

If the two of youse was really
thinking of my own good,

you wouldn't be sitting here
torturing me.

- Where you going?
- I'm gonna go get a beer.

- You can't.
- Oh, can't I? h*, h*, h*.

We're out of beer.

Come on, I told you when
you started working for us,

the one thing that
I must never be out of

is beer and toilet paper.

We got plenty of toilet paper.

- Well, ain't we nifty!
- Whoop-dee-doo!

I missed going to the store.

Stephanie needed help
studying for a science test.

It's gonna be a real k*ller.

So, I'll go to Fergusons now.

We need a lot of things.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I think I follow
your drift of that.

Here. I'll stay with her
till you get back.

But please don't be long,
'cause I gotta get down
to the saloon.

Right.

In the meantime,
you'll do the dishes, huh, kid?

- I have to study.
- Study what?

Quiz her on
her science vocabulary.

Ah, okay, I'll do that.

Everybody should know one
or two things about science.

So, the first question
of the quiz is

what are they learnin' you
this year?

Reproduction.

In school?

Do you know
how amoebas reproduce?

Yeah, like Americans.

But you ain't supposed to be
learning that in school.

We watched amoebas yesterday.

- Where?
- On a slide.

God, ain't they got people
patrolling them playgrounds?

A little piece of glass
under a microscope.

Amoebas are one-celled animals.

I don't care nothin' about that.

Do you hear what's goin' on
here in school?

They're showing them
how amoebas are doing
dirties on glass.

Kids were studying
one-celled animals

before we were born.

- Oh, yeah.
- Well, where was I?

- I don't know.
- I keep wondering about that.

Let me tell you something.

In my opinion,
this here reproduction,

that's just a fancy
liberal way of saying

"S-E-X, sex."

I thought it was bipartisan.

Let me tell you this,
don't be surprised

if the Reagan administration
puts a stop to this here.

I knew he was going
for cutbacks,

but I didn't think he meant sex.

Here, ask me these terms.

You got dishes to do.

You said you'd help me study.

Do you want me to
flunk tomorrow?

No, certainly I don't
want you to flunk.

Come on, come on.

We'll get at this,
we'll work together.

Tell you what we do.

You wash, see, and I'll
throw the words at you.

Just show me
where to begin here.

Okay.

You read me the definition
and I'll tell you the word.

All right, I'll read you
the definition.

- You tell me the word.
- Okay. Definition A,

"The exact moment
of human conception is?"

- Aw, jeez!
- Why the hell do you have to be learning about this?

Fertilization.

Well, that's wrong anyway.

Fertilization's for
lawns and flowerbeds.

Well, I can't go on here
with this science crapola.

It's givin' me a hot flush.

Uh-oh.

Mrs. Canby left
the grocery money in her apron.

Oh, well, then I gotta go.

- I gotta go.
- I gotta go after her and give her the money here.

You stay and study that
garbage by yourself, huh?

Lock the back door.

I'll lock the front door.

Don't let nobody in.

And if anybody comes
to either one of them doors

that you don't know,

you turn out the lights
and scream.

And don't be nervous.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Look what you went away
and forgot here.

Oh, I left it in the apron.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What's this you're buying, huh?

You said you wanted beer.

Yeah, but not this
lightweight stuff here.

This is only for
f*gs and dancers.

I checked the label.
It only has half the calories.

It's only got half the zip
and half the belch.

How unfortunate.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

But what else is this here?
What's this stuff?

Oh, that's a no-cholesterol
egg substitute.

Egg substitute?
So, what am I supposed to do?

Have a glass of that
with my bacon?

No, you scramble it.

At your age, too many eggs
can lead to heart trouble.

Did you ever see a chicken
have a heart attack?

You got me there.

Now, as long as I am here,
let me show you

some of the foods
that I adore, huh?

Come on, this way.

Okay. Here, huh?

- Number one.
- Ah, this is the...

Aw, jeez! Look at this.
$1.49 for Twinkies.

Will you see how
the basic necessaries of life
has gone up to the moon?

Now, come over this way.

What the hell are
them two gawkin' about?

They probably see us
as a couple.

A couple of what?

You know, a black woman,
a white man.

Maybe a married couple.

Oh, how ridiculous
can people be?

Don't worry about it.

I ain't worrying about nothing.

I mean, you know, you and me,
we know how wrong they are.

So, don't, uh,
don't think about it, then.

Don't you think about it,
and I won't...

Mind your own business!

Come on, let's hurry up
and get out of here, huh?

Who're you trying
to get away from?

I ain't trying to
get away from nothing.

I'm just trying to show you

some of the foods
that I'm used to eating.

That's all.

Gerber's strained bananas?

It makes farina taste better.

- Where else do you want to go?
- Let's go.

- Sundries.
- Sundries, sundries.

Sundries is right over here.

Let's pull this...

Archie Bunker!

Oh, holy cow, Gordy, how are ya?

Fine, and who's the little lady?

Oh, uh, she ain't
a little lady there.
She's my housekeeper.

Oh, yeah, a housekeeper?

Yeah, this is Gordy Bruns.

He's the Grand Potentrate
of my lodge.

- How do you do?
- I'm Ellen Canby.

So, you call her a housekeeper?

Yeah, yeah, and a cook.

How does she cook?

h*, h*, h*, she cooks great.

He isn't talking
about the kitchen.

Where else do you cook
but the kitchen?

Oh, no, no, no, Gordy,

he-he-he don't mean
nothing like that.

Sure I do.

No, you don't.
Come on there, Gordy.

Gordy's a hell of a kidder,
you know.

Oh, yeah, he's a riot.

By the way,
we got a manager's special

on pancake mix, Aunt Jemima.

Oh, I love Aunt Jemima.

And this would be good for you.

You ought to gargle with it
in the morning.

Hey, Gordy.

Come here, I gotta
talk to you, over here.

Please lay off of this stuff.

Not bad looking, Arch.

A little tan for my taste.

Come on, will ya?
This ain't what you think.

Tell me the truth, how are they?

Gordy, you ain't
talking very nice.

Really disappointed in ya,
lodge brother.

What the hell did I do?

You know how this looks
in my market?

But I shouldn't be surprised.

You and your wife
were always cozying up

to them colored neighbors,

but I didn't think you'd
turn into a n*gg*r lover.

Gordy, I'm gonna hit ya.

What happened?

He pulled a knife on me!

Come on, let's get
the hell out of here.

You'll be sorry
about this, Bunker!

There's no point in asking me
to tell you what went on there.

The main thing is
that I am in big trouble.

- Ellen: We're home.
- Stephanie: Okay!

Do you think
he'll have you arrested?

Oh, no, no.
He won't do that.

You know, being
a lodge brother, there.

But jeez, he could do worse.

You don't understand
who it was I hit.

Yes, some jerk who deserved it.

But not any jerk.

This jerk is
the Grand Potentrate
to my lodge.

Well, he came on more like
the Grand Dragon of the Klan.

That man is beneath contempt.

I'm telling ya,
he's the top man.

So, whatever he's beneath,
I'm beneath that.

I don't want you to think
I got no respect for Gordy

because I respect him a lot,
even though I hate him.

He's just one of
these guys who's always

sh**ting off his mouth
too much about everything.

But I got to admit one thing.

We kinda brung this
on ourselves tonight.

- Oh, really?
- Did we do something wrong?

Well, I don't know about wrong,

but, I mean, being out
in public together.

Gee, that's enough in these
United States, you know?

I know.

I mean to say, people ain't
as broadminded as me.

They look at black and white,
they see red.

That's true.

I think if we're out in public,

that maybe we shouldn't
even talk to each other.

I know it sounds stupid,
but what are we gonna do?

I mean, if every time
we have a conversation

we're gonna start a race riot...

And another thing, I think
we should keep it quiet.

Just don't talk about it.

- Good morning, Murray.
- Good morning, Harry.

Yeah, if it ain't
Sugar Ray Bunker.

What the hell is
that supposed to mean?

I heard about what happened
last night at Fergusons.

Hey, what happened?

Nothing happened!

I heard you and Gordy Bruns
got into it.

Ah!

You got in a fight?

No, it was Castro.

He finally strangled his barber.

It wasn't nothing, Murray.

It was just, you know,

a couple of old pals
horsing around,

just kidding around.

That ain't what I heard.

I heard there was
punches thrown.

How would you like to see
some more punches thrown?

- Wait a minute, Arch.
- What did you do?

Get yourself into a jam
last night, huh?

What's the story?

Yeah, I want to hear
the real story.

"Hear the real story."

You want the real story?

Well, open up the paper,
and turn to "Dear Aby".

Okay.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, Veronica.
- Oh, hi.

Well, I guess
it's too much to expect

one of youse
to give me a hand here.

I'm way over here.

Yeah, I'll give you a hand.

- Thank you, Murray.
- That's all right.

Hey, hey, hey,
what have you got in here?

Oh, in here, I got
the bargain of the year.

Little baby sweet peas,
formerly 59 cents.

Now a dime a can.

Oh. Ah! Well, no wonder
they're 10 cents there.

Lookit, they're all dented.

Murray, don't be such a worrier.

The guy at Fergusons
said they was okay.

You went to Fergusons?

Oh, yeah, ya know,
a real crazy story.

The checker told me

that this rowdy lowlife
come in there last night

and started givin'
the manager some lip.

Well, the guy was
real obnoxious.

I mean, kicking
and punching the manager

till the manager had to
throw him into the canned peas.

The manager was a dirty liar.
It didn't happen that way.

The manager started
mouthing off with me.

It was I that dumped him
into the canned peas.

And it was only
one punch thrown.

- Aha!
- What did I tell you?

You're the rowdy lowlife?

You had to drag it
out of me, huh?

I didn't know you were
such a tough guy.

♪ Macho, macho man

Hey, hey, you sing one more note

and I'll be on the phone
to the immigration!

So-so, come on.

Tell us what happened
at the brawl at Fergusons.

Will you lay off of me?

I'm trying to tell you
nothing happened.

It was just, what you call,

a little minor alteration there.

An old pal of mine, Gordy Bruns,

he just got
a little out of line.

Out of line about what?

Jeez, look at this,
the four of ya.

Look like they're doing
a commercial for Willie Hutton.

Hey, Arch, I gotta
talk to you right away.

- In private.
- Hey, Barn,

did you hear what happened
to him at Fergusons?

That's what I gotta talk about.

- What do you know that we don't know?
- Come on, let's hear it.

Did you hear the man say
private, private?

Go on into
the office there, Barney.

Private, private.

Gee, you know,
that's a cryin' shame.

Privacy's one of them things
that disappeared

right from American life,
like Alice Faye.

So, what do you make of that?

I don't know, but I haven't
seen Barney this serious

since his dog got pinworms.

Gordy wants to throw you
out of the lodge.

Oh, I figured that,
but what the hell could I do?

Yeah, well, lucky for you,

you got your old pal
on the council.

And I convinced him to accept
a formal, written apology.

Oh, no, Barney,
I ain't gonna do that.

I think you're turning funny.

Do you realize that we've
been in the Kings of Queens
now for 19 years?

Yeah.

Next month,
we get our 20-year pin,

not to mention
the dinner in our honor.

And best of all,
we'll be the only two guys

entitled to guard
the Grand Potentate's
crown jewels.

I know, I know.

And let's not forget
the financial benefits, huh?

The all-inclusive prepaid
burial insurance plan.

When you're layin'
in that box, buddy,

you don't want any
heavy expenses on your mind.

Think about it.

- Oh, come on in, Barney.
- Come on in.

Yeah, hi, Arch.
You got the letter?

- Yeah, yeah, I just finished it here.
- -Yeah.

And I'd like to try it
out on ya, huh?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I'll start from
the beginning, okay?

Good.

"Dear illustful
Grand Potentrate, Gordy."

"Illustful"?

You sure you got the right word?

To hell with the words,
listen to the rhythm
of the thing here, huh?

"We have been friends
for over 20 years.

During that
wonderful decade..."

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't stop me, huh, Barney?

Now I have to go all the way
back to the beginning.

No, you don't. Start from
"that wonderful decade."

- All right, now.
- Leave me alone.

"We had a lot of good times.

You and me winning
the three-legged race
at the lodge picnic

was one of the thrillingest
moments of my life.

In the last election,
when you was running
against Barney,

I was your
biggest supporter."

Oh, you wasn't supposed
to hear that.

Don't give me that look.

You can forget it, can't you?

No, but go ahead anyway.

"That brings me
to our misfortunate
meeting at Fergusons.

I have to say
what you done was wrong,

but what I done was wronger.

I want to apologize
but don't know
how to phrase it.

Your maternal lodge brother,
Archie Bunker." Huh?

Yeah, yeah, it's all right,

but you're not groveling enough.

You gotta
run yourself down more.

There has to be more
begging and pleading.

God, I hate this.

Well, that's the way
it has to be.

All right, all right.

Don't get yourself excited.

Look back over here.

There's a couple of spots
where I could sprinkle in
a little groveling.

Okay, you make
those emendations,

and I'll pick it up
after supper.

- Yeah, okay, thanks, Barney.
- Thanks.

Okay.

And a little sniveling
wouldn't hurt, either.

Okay.

- A lot of sniveling.
- Okay! Okay!

Uh, hey kiddo,
this word "phrase" here.

- Uh, how would you spell that?
- F-R-A-Z-E?

Or F-R-A-Y-S,
or don't it matter?

Neither.
It's P-H-R-A-S-E.

Oh, for God's sakes,
it's one of them P-H words.

I see you're writing
to that creepy lodge guy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

This could be a federal rap,
reading other people's mail.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Listen.

I told you the whole story
of that thing

'cause I wanted you
to know the truth.

You promised to say
nothing about it.

I don't want it all over town.

I'll keep quiet.

It should be a lesson to you
and everybody else.

That, uh, you know,
when a person loses
their heads there

and does something stupid,
then they gotta apologize.

You're telling me.

Yeah, or suffer, maybe,
some bad "consequentials."

Like what?

Well, like me having
to leave my lodge
after 19 years.

- So, that's why you're writing this.
- -Yes, yes.

I gotta let this guy know
how I feel, you understand?

Sure.

This guy insults Mrs. Canby,

so if he doesn't apologize,

you're gonna resign
from the lodge.

It's simple.

Jeez, how the hell
did I blow that?

Boy, you didn't buy these rolls
in no store, huh?

No, I baked them myself.

It's an old family recipe.

- Would you teach me?
- Sure.

I remember when
my mother taught me.

I made my first batch
the day my father
came back from the w*r.

Boy, that was
way back when, huh?

I didn't mean nothing by that,
except to say that

them was the good old days,
you know?

Hey, a nickel hot dog,
and Joe DiMaggio there,

and nobody ever heard
of an Arab.

Them was great days
to be an American, right?

Not for everybody.

What do you mean by that?

It was very bad for
the black people down south.

How would you know?

We studied the civil rights
movement in school.

Jeez, they spend
an awful lot of time

teaching that crapola there,

but they won't let youse pray.

God!

They used to have
separate restaurants
and separate water fountains.

- Am I right, Mrs. Canby?
- Yes.

And separate schools,
and churches,

and seats in the movies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But come on, that's all over.

That's against the law now.

Did they learn you that?

We learned it was
against the law,

but we didn't learn
it was all over.

Well, maybe they'll
get to that tomorrow.

Now, come on, who's gonna
help me polish off

the rest of these spuds there?

What else did they make you do?

Well, we always had to ride
in the back of the bus

even when the front was empty.

- Did you know that?
- Don't look at me.

I was up north
riding the subways.

Come on, we're eating nice
at the table here, huh?

Can't we put a lid on
all of this?

Yeah, I mean it happened.

There was people that had to
ride in the back of the bus.

Other people rode
in the front of the bus.

Some people had
to stay over there,

other people had to
stay over there,

and there was trouble
about that.

But, I mean, it's over.

Look at Mrs. Canby.

She come out of it okay,
didn't ya?

No.

What happened?

Oh, come on, come on.

- Please, huh?
- Let's cut it out.

Mrs. Canby,
she don't want to keep on

hashing over a lot of things

that a kid like you
don't need to know.

When I was your age...

I saw my brother
beaten to death by four men...

because our car broke down
on the white side of town.

Why do people act so crazy...

just because of someone's color?

Don't be always askin' me
such hard questions, huh, kid?

That'll be Barney.
I'll get it.

- Is that you, Barney?
- Yeah, it's me, Arch.

Yeah, I'm opening
the door for you.

- Could we stay outside on the porch?
- -Okay, sure.

I think we're in luck, Arch.

I just left Gordy.

And he just took delivery
of the golden fez with
the blood-red trimming,

so he's in a good mood.

Have you got the letter?

Yeah.

Well, come on, give it to me.
I haven't got all night.

Can I do just
one more thing with it?

Sure.

What the hell am I
supposed to do with that?

Take that back to the man
with the golden fez

and tell him to put them pieces
where the moon don't shine.

Know what I mean?

Where the moon don't shine!