02x09 - The Incident

[bunniefuu]

At least a half a buck.

- I'm way ahead of you, pal.
- There it is, 50 cents up.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Wait a minute.
What is this?
Is this a word?

Yeah, that's coq au vin.

What the hell is that?

Chicken.

- Chicken in cocoa?
- That's revolting.

It's chicken
cooked in wine.
It's very popular.

Oh, now, listen,
please, Veronica.

Don't never cook chicken
in nothing but water, huh?

If the people want wine in it,

then let them order
a bottle of wine
on the side.

If they wanna dump
the wine on the chicken,

at least it don't cost us money.

Let me do it my way,
will you please?

The people are gonna love it.

It'll be a nice
surprise for them, Arch.

Murray, listen,
intelligent people
always hate surprises.

Take me, for instance.

I mean, if I was to
go home every night there

- and Mrs.
- Canby was to give me surprises for supper,

she wouldn't be
working for me very long.

I'm surprised
a person of black persuasion
has worked for you this long.

Well, I got news for you there.

The colored people and me
are just like this here.

- I'm glad to hear that.
- Yeah.

Hey, my housekeeper and me,

we've got the perfect
working relations there.

We hardly ever see each other.

The main thing is the kid
is crazy about her, you know.

Uh-huh.

She's with me
for the time being.

And she can stay
with me as long as
she don't bother me.

And what if you bother her?

She's paid to
get bothered, buddy.

Like you.

Yasuh, Colonel.

Cut that out!

Hey, kiddo, I'm home.

Hi.

Hi, there.

Here's your beer.

Oh, okay, well, put it
on the table over there.

And the
"TV Guide" opened
to Wednesday night.

Oh, thank you very much.

And here's your cigar.

Thank you very much.

You know, I get
the feeling I'm being
set up for something here.

Well,
you ain't gonna
sell me no more

of that
peanut bristle
for the school band.

I'm just happy to see you home.

Oh, yeah?

Light?

I want to tell you right away.

I'm very familiar
with all kinds of
feminine willies.

Dinner's ready.

- Dinner's ready. Good.
- Good, and I'm starved.

- Hey, whoop-dee-doo.
- Look what we've got here.

Well, Swedish meatballs
and candied yams and ham

and a whole dish of Jell-O
with the little peaches
floating around.

Jeez, that's all my
favorite foods here.

I know.
We wanted to make
dinner a special event.

Yeah, this is a snow job.

Yeah. Youse two done
something wrong around
here today. What is it?

Can't you let
people be nice to you

without immediately
thinking something's wrong?

No.

And nobody's gonna
touch a bite of this meal

till I find out what
you two Mata Haris
has done.

You'd better tell him.

Come on, give, give.

I want to join the girls' club.

Oh, that, well, no.
No, I told you before.

I ain't gonna let you
join the girls' club

while they're meeting
in that youth center
up there.

If they
was meeting
in the church...

I'm Jewish.

Okay, the temple then.

And the temple is even better

'cause they got that
old rabbi over there

who keeps patrolling around to
make sure youse praying and
nothing else.

Them Jews know
what they're doing.

Pass the ham.

Why don't you
like the youth center?

All youth centers is dangerous.

Why?

Because they're full of youths.

You know what youths are today?

Nothing but up-and-coming bums.

Don't... Don't get touchy
about it.

I ain't saying that
they're all black there.

There's some of them
Puerto Rican,

and there's one or two
of my own kind, God knows.

I've seen that place,
it's well-supervised
and it's safe.

No, come on, case closed!

Please let me join.

Now, listen,
you ain't gonna get
away with that no more,

so you might as well give it up.

Don't be giving me
the goo-goo eyes
at the table.

Then I'll leave the table.

Oh, oh, all right,
stop, stop, stop.

I can't
stand it when
girls start to skulk.

All right, join the girls' club.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Have some meatballs.

Give me the meatballs.

Oh, there's just
one other thing.

Hold the meatballs.

There are some activities
that all the parents have
to take part in.

Now, nix, nix, none of that.
I don't do activities.

It's just things like
bake sales and car washes.

Oh, bake sales and car washes.

- Then you'll do it?
- No.

If you won't take part,
she can't join.

What is the matter with you?

Don't you know I'm a busy man?

I'm working seven
or eight days a week.

- Please.
- No, no!

And that's final!
Give me the meatballs.

What if
I take your place
at Stephanie's club?

You'd be willing
to go out with her

and wash some
white guy's car
for nothing?

Of course I would.

You'd do that for me?

No. I'd do that for her.

Then can I join?

- Well, if Mrs.
- Canby here is willing to go out

and do all that nut stuff
with you, yeah, sure, join.

- Thanks, Mrs. Canby.
- You're the greatest.

Give me the meatballs.

Please just give me one
more thing with my
supper, huh?

Anything.

Silence, complete silence!

I don't want to hear
no more talking about
nothing at this table.

So what
else was going on
around here today?

Archie:
Oh, well, you know,
like General Custer said

when he looked
all around him,
"Nothing's easy."

True. True.

- But I thought you and Mrs.
- Canby were getting along so well.

Well, I never said I wasn't.

I just mean
to say that, you know,
when you're the top man

in the household there,
you gotta tell
everybody everything.

What do you mean?

Well, you know,
if she had her way,

the kid
would probably be
around the house all day,

or inside or something,
you know?

That ain't good. So,
I said to her this morning,

"Ellen," I said,

I call her Ellen
to make her feel like
a regular person, see.

I says,
"Ellen, you know,
up at the school

they've got a very nice
youth center up there.

And in
that youth center
they got a girls' club.

So, why don't you take little
whaddyacall her up to
the school there

and put her into
that girls' club?"

Because they got a lot of
lovely activities going on.

Like what?

Oh, well, they got
bake sales there,
you know.

And then they go out and
they wash the neighbors'
cars

and that, you know. Lovely
little services to the public.

Hi, everybody!

Hiya, Steph.

Archie: Hey,
what do you know!

Well, well, well, well, well.
What are youse two doing here?

- I came to show
Mrs. Canby the bar.
- Ah.

We just signed up
for the girls' club.

Oh, well, come on
over here and sit down.

Have a seat, please, there.

Harry,
give the kid
a soft drink, huh?

Yeah, well.

So, you took my suggestion,
you signed her up for
the girls' club there, huh?

Don't say nothing more about it.

And then you come in
to take a look at our
little bar and grill, huh?

What do you think?

- Oh, it's very nice.
- Not at all what I expected.

Oh, hey,
I know what
you expected.

You expected
to walk in here and
hear a lot of loud music

and noise and
drunks rolling around

and waitresses
with next to nothing on.

Hey, that's not
a bad idea, Arch.

This here is Barney Hefner.

That's our neighbor who won't
keep his dog from, excuse me,

defamating all over our lawn.

Rusty was born free,
Mrs. Canby.

Mrs. Canby signed us up
for the museum trip and
the bake sale.

- Terrific.
- And we're gonna contribute
to the old clothes collection.

Hey, that sounds great,
you can throw in your
whole wardrobe.

Shut up!

And we joined
just in time for
the best thing of all,

the spring camping trip.

The first meeting
to learn about it
is tomorrow night.

Oh, jeez, ain't that wonderful.

Like I always say,

there's nothing more
beautiful for a growing
child than a camping trip.

Yes, I knew you'd enjoy it.

Huh?

Well, a parent has
to accompany each child.

Oh, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That ain't the deal.

You said
you was gonna
handle all of this.

This was the
one activity that was for
fathers and daughters only.

Listen, Arch, I survived
one of those trips with
my daughter Beverly.

About 200 of us
went up to Bear Mountain.

Sure, you'll enjoy it, Arch.
Except for the mosquitoes.

And the bears.

Oh, no, no, no,
I can't have nothing to
do with nothing like that.

Now, you better
run right back up
to the girls' club

and sign me right off
of that camping trip.

We can't discuss it here.

We gotta discuss it.

We'll talk about it
when you get home.

- Wait a minute!
- Come on, Stephanie.

Now, wait a minute, wait.

I can't go on
no camping trip with
mosquitoes and bears.

Without no plumbing.

And without no plumbing there.

And there they go!

Ah, what are you
looking at, Murray?

Archie Bunker,
Father of the Year.

Fooey!

- All right.
- Fooey of the Year.

I think
you and me's gotta
have a little serious talk.

All right.

I don't like
having nothing put
over on me, you know.

I just thought you wouldn't
go on the trip

unless somebody
gave you a little push.

Jeez, with all
the things you got
to push around here,

for instance,
mops and brooms
and vacuum cleaners,

why do you have to push me, too?

Stephanie will be
the only one in her
class who isn't going.

And if you can't
make one little
sacrifice

and go on one little
camping trip and
make her happy,

then I think you're
a pretty lousy parent.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, where the hell
do you come off saying
a thing like that to me?

Let me tell you something,

in the first place,
I ain't her parent!

And I never asked
to be her parent and
I don't wanna be her parent!

You know
that kid was
dumped on me.

Don't you love her?

Well, jeez, love,
here we go again.

Why the hell
do women have to drag
love into every argument?

Because that's
where love belongs,
in every argument.

That ain't the point
I'm trying to make.

Look, I feed that kid,
I put clothes on her back,

I put a roof over her head,
I see that she's well took
care of.

- And that's all I can do.
- I can't do no more!

Gee, I got a right to
think about myself,
ain't I?

Well, I should
think about myself, too.

- Sure you should!
- Well...

What do you mean by that?

I do things that
I don't like for her sake.

Like what?

Like working for you.

If you can't do
one little thing that
you don't like to do,

why should I go on
doing one big thing
that I don't want to do?

Wait a minute,
you ain't telling me...

Excuse me,
excuse me, let me
rephrase that.

Wait a minute,
you ain't telling me

that you're thinking about
quitting this job, are you?

That is entirely up to you.

Archie, that tent stinks.

What are you talking about,
stinks how?

It's like
hard-boiled eggs
and Swiss cheese

wrapped up in sweat socks.

Ah, if it's
anything at all, buddy,
it's the stench of w*r.

And I'll tell you something.

Many is the night
I spent when I was

over in Foggia, Italy,
in that little pup tent.

Well,
you must have
been thinner then.

Well,
the whole world
was thinner then.

I remember laying in there,
you know,

with Marshal Kesselring's
mortar shells

whistling overhead in the night.

And me
drinking a big
jug of dago red.

- Hey, them were the days.
- You know, you miss w*r.

Whew!

Why can't I smell nothing?

You can't smell
when your mouth's open.

Every one of them items there
is going to be very useful
come spring.

Ah, you see, now.

Aren't you glad
you decided to go on that
father-daughter camping trip?

Murray, Murray, listen,
you got to do me a favor.
Murray, Murray.

Please play down the
father-daughter stuff.

I'm ready.

Yeah.

What is that smell?

It's nothing, it's nothing.
Nothing at all.

Come on, let's get going here.

Murray's here to
give us a ride, so.

Come on, let's get out of here.

The sooner
we get started,
the sooner we'll get back.

We'll see you
when we get back, huh?

What is that smell?

Ain't that funny,
I can't smell nothing.

- Hi, Donna!
- Hi, Susie!

Hiya, hiya, kids.
Come on, this is a good
place to sit, right here.

Right here.

Oh, there's Amy Bloom,
let's go talk with them.

Do we have to talk to
that kid and her father?

- Why don't you ever want to talk to Mr.
- Bloom?

I got nothing
to talk to him about.
I'm too old for the guy.

Come on.

You're always lugging me,
lugging me, lugging me!

- Hi, Amy.
- Hi, Mr. Bloom.

- Hi, Stephie.
- Hi, Mr. Bunker.

Hiya, kid.

- Hey, Arch!
- Good to see you.

I hear from
a couple of spies that
you voted against Reagan.

I couldn't
vote for the star of
Bonzo Goes to College.

- Everyone.
- Could we take seats and get started, please?

We gotta take seats,
Bloom, so, goodbye.

Hi, I'm Diane Peachin and
I'd like to welcome you
all here.

Tonight we're going
to go over what you need
to know for the spring trip.

And if you
have any questions,
don't hesitate to ask.

Yeah, I got
a question here,
if you don't mind.

My name is Archie Bunker.

- This here is my little niece, uh...
- - Stephanie.

- Stephanie there.
- When are we gonna meet the counselor?

I am the counselor.

No, I mean the guy
that's running the
whole camping trip.

I'm the guy
that's running the
whole camping trip.

Oh. Excuse you me.

How's a girl
like that gonna
run a camping trip?

Why not?

- She's too young.
- She don't know nothing.

She wouldn't know
a bird from a beaver.

Now, the first thing
we'll be doing

at our campsite
is putting up
our tents.

Excuse me.
Excuse me, if you
don't mind, there, sis.

That ain't the
first thing you do.

See, I'm a veteran of WWII.

Most of youse was in
diapers around that time.

But I gotta tell you,
when you first get to
your camping site,

what you gotta do is
post your guards, you know,
and then dig your latrines.

Especially
after a long trip
on a bus with kids.

You know what I mean?
Whoop-dee-doo!

What's a latrine?

I think it's a place
he was stationed in Italy.

The campsite where we're going

is very safe and it
has washroom facilities.

Oh, well, you know, just asking.

But thank you, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, it was nothing.

Yes.

Now, if you would
all look over here.

These nylon,
aluminum-based tents

are the ones
I'd like you all
to bring, if possible.

These are
better insulated and
much easier to assemble

than the old canvas tents.

Ah, excuse me,
but wrong again, sis.

I beg your pardon?

Well, I gotta tell you,

there ain't no better
tent in the world

than your old army
GI issue pup tent,
you know?

I mean,
that is the tent
that won the w*r.

That's the tent that was used by

General Dwight J. Eisenhower
and myself.

- Mr.
- Bunker, I don't mean to insult the old tents.

It's just that if it rains,
they get mildewed and smell
like old sweat socks.

Yeah, but it's that smell
that keeps away your
wild animals.

Can't you stop him?

I don't think so.

- Uncle Archie.
- Archie: Yeah?

Please stop making suggestions.

- I'm only trying to help the girl.
- She needs some help.

And don't be pulling on me.

Now, about sleeping bags.

Be sure
and bring the kind
that are well-lined

because it's pretty cold.

I'm gonna write on the
board a couple of names.

Yes, Mr. Bunker?

Got to interrupt, you know.

When you say
sleeping bags, that puts
me in mind of the cold.

When I think of
the cold, I think of
where I was stationed,

over there in Foggia, Italy,

fighting for all your
many four freedoms there.

But we found
that the leaves
off of the trees

had many, many useful uses.

We don't have to go
into all of 'em here,

but when a cold got,
what do you call, violent,

we would shove them
leaves into our underwear.

How gross.

Come on, Arch,
you're putting us on.

I ain't putting nobody on.

And I ain't even
talking to you, Bloom.

But leaves would
give you a rash.

Only a Sicilian eucalyptus.

And, by the way,
Bonzo is a classic.

Mr. Bunker, may I speak
to you for a minute?

Yeah, certainly, certainly, sis.

Anytime you want
a little extra information,
just pull me aside like this.

I appreciate
the fact that
you and Eisenhower

fought the w*r for our freedom.

Ah, don't mention it.

But this is
a weekend camping trip,
not the Battle of the Bulge.

I'm only
trying to give you the
voice of experience here.

- I know that, Mr.
- Bunker, and if we receive any reports of

n*zi storm troopers
lurking in the Catskills,

I'll put you in charge of
gathering leaves and
digging latrines.

Something tells me that, uh...

I mean, am I being
asked to, uh, shut up?

All: Yeah.

- Leaving aside these dummies over here.
- Is that what you want?

Oh, it is, huh?

Well, you got it.
You got it. I'll shut up.

Not only will
I shut up, but I'll
get outta here, too,

and I'll take my kid with me.

Yeah. Arrivederci.

Or as the Germans used to
say when they seen us
coming there,

Wait a minute, Uncle Archie.

What do you mean, wait?
What do you want to
wait for?

It's gonna be a lousy trip.

You don't
want to go on
a lousy trip, do you?

It won't be
a lousy trip as
long as we're together.

I don't care if we go
camping on the subway

as long as I'm with you.

Diane: Hiking trails from
the campsite are well marked,

and we shouldn't
have any problems
with getting lost.

Get in there.

- Now, I want to tell you something about the day.
- What to expect...

Ah, just to
interrupt once more
to say that we're back.

So, go on
with what you
were saying there.

Just make believe we ain't here.

- Good night, Mr. Bloom!
- Thanks for the ride!

Don't be all night
saying good night, now.

Yeah, good night!

Well, how did the meeting go?

Oh, it was lots of fun.

Especially when we were
practicing putting up tents

and Uncle Archie tied
Amy Bloom to her father.

We can talk about
this here tomorrow.

You better go up
and get ready for bed.

Okay. Good night,
Mrs. Canby.

Good night, dear.

Thanks again.

Well, she certainly seems
happy about all of this
here, huh?

- Yes, she does.
- Yeah.

She was having
the best time in the
world there, you know.

Fooling around,
kidding around with
all her little pals there.

Amy and Mamie
and Dippy and Dopey

or whatever the hell
their names are.

Yeah, I might even
manage to have a good
time on the trip myself.

Good.

Yeah, maybe it
don't do no harm to do
one or two things with her.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

Good night.

I just don't
want to lean on
the father thing.

You don't have to lean on that.

I don't wanna lean on that.

I don't want her
to depend on me
like a father.

'Cause how do I know how long...

I mean, I ought to be
much younger for that.

You know what I'm saying.

Young, old,
there are no guarantees.

It's not the
amount of time
you have to give,

it's how you give it.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah, yeah,
I'd love a cup of tea.

I'll make you a cup of tea.

Stephanie: Good night,
Uncle Archie!

- Oh, yeah.
- Good night there, kiddo.