02x07 - Murray's Wife

[bunniefuu]

- Murray: Here we are.
- Ex

- Murray: Here we are.
- Excu

- Murray: Here we are.
- Excuse

- Murray: Here we are.
- Excuse m

- Murray: Here we are.
- Excuse me.

Watch your step, waiter.

- Right this way.
- Nice table right over there, sir.

Let me help you.

- Here we are.
- Here are the menus.

What's the special of
the day today?

Oh, we've got
a lot of specials today.

Just read them off here,
whatever you like.

Is egg salad fresh?

- Every day, it's fresh.
- Would you like some coffee?

Please, yes.

Linda, coffee
for the nice people.

Just relax,
take your time,
I'll be right with you.

Thank you.

Hey!

Please! Why can't you
look where I'm goin'?

Because I'm going
where you're looking.

You know that the people
at table seven is sore
as hell?

What for? I haven't
served them any food yet.

That is why they're sore.

Here we are, sir,
right over here.

Linda, take care
of table five, huh?

I'm on my way to table nine.

- Table five is first.
- The guy's a big shot in the Elks!

Oh.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Can I get you a table?

No, thanks.
Is the owner around?

I'm from the Health Department.

- Oh, gee.
- They're in the kitchen.

You want me to get 'em for you?

No. I'll just go on back.

It's that door on the right.

- Thanks.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, hey, hold it!
Hold it, hold it, buddy.

- It ain't in there.
- It's over there.

I beg your pardon.

If you're goin' to the can,
you go in there.

I wanna go in there.

We cook in there.

What kind of a slob are you?

Come here, come here,
come here. Let me show you.

Relief is right through
that door and to the left.

I'm the health inspector.

Is your boss around?

Oh, uh...

Well, I am my boss.

I'm Bunker, the owner.

I'm Klein, the owner.

Do you have to always say that?

Yes, until you put
my name on that sign.

Well, then say what you want.

Well, hi,
I'm Steve Connery
from the Health Department.

Pleasure to meet you.

You don't know that.

Can I show you around?

A fly just went
blazin' past my face.

Oh, hey, I don't want
you to think that we got
loads of flies around here.

In fact,
he was the last one that
come back since September.

Come back from where?

- Well, wherever they go.
- Capistrano.

Yeah, well,
I'd better get started.

Well, wait a minute.
Where's the other guy
that used to be on this job?

You know,
the old man with
the deadly wheeze?

Well, he went on disability
and moved to Arizona.

Aw, jeez, I knew the
poor man was a consumptuary.

Did he die?

Listen, are you sure
that you wanna
do this now?

Why don't you come back
when we're not so crowded?

Yeah, when we're not so crowded.

Well, it shouldn't be
crowded in the kitchen.

No, no, no.
It ain't never
crowded in the kitchen.

See, what I meant...
I mean... What he...

Get into this, huh?

- I tell you what I'll do.
- I'll warn the chef that...

Warn... I'll tell
the chef that you're here.

No, no, no, that's okay.

The element of surprise
is what makes this job
so much fun.

Lave lechuga, okay?

Hey, buddy, if you're
looking for the can,

it's on the
other side of the bar.

Do a lot
of people think
this is the can?

What do you want?

Don't let me bother you.
I'm just looking.

Yeah, well, if you
want to take a tour,

they start at
Rockefeller Center.

Right now, I'm up to
my asparagus in
hollandaise sauce!

That sounds good.

It is, I can really cook.

I'll bet you can.

- Hey, why don't you go out and have some lunch, huh?
- Bye-bye!

What?

Hey, hey, hey!
Hold it!

What are you doing there?

I have to check your equipment.

In my country,
you can't do that
till you're engaged.

Oh, shut up!
He didn't mean it that way.

Did you?

Let me think about it.

Mix the succotash, huh?

What's the matter,
are you depressed?

Not only are you funny,
but your thermostat's
cracked.

What is this,
some kind of a survey?

And the handle on the
refrigerator is broken.

- Have it fixed.
- Who are you?

The health inspector.

Oh, my God.

What's that you're doin'
to my soup?

Taking its temperature.

Yeah? Will it live?

Toss in two aspirin
and call me later.

Or better yet,
why don't I call you?

Yeah? Call me what?

- Bridget? Megan?
- Kate? Peggy?

Those are my cousins
in Port Chester.

I'm Veronica.

O'Brien, right?

Rooney.

- Close enough.
- Hi, I'm Steve Connery.

Hi.

And you've got the map
of Ireland written all
over your face.

Yeah, and you're
full of malarkey.

You married?

Uh, not lately.

Veronica Rooney, huh?

Okay, Veronica Rooney,
what's your phone number?

Why?

I have to call
you later, remember?

Foolishness.

Hey, you guys, mix the ensalada.

Now, what was you sayin'?

Archie: Yes, I'm worried,

and I got damn good
reason to be worried.

Here you go, Harry.

I was just tellin' Harry here.

This inspector out here
is a perfect example

of the creeping
bureaucracies that are
stranglin' our dear nation!

Arch, did we ever offer
the other guy anything?

- Look at these dummies.
- They all got their ears out on sticks here.

I mean, the old man.
Did we ever give him
anything?

You know, the one with the...

Sure, we give him. Sure.

Because he was a man of dignity.

He'd been on the job
for many years.

But you wouldn't want
to grease a beginner,
would you?

Let's play it straight.

Sure.

Listen, can't you go out
and find out what's
goin' on?

Take it easy.
We actually have
nothing to worry about.

Oh, Harry, Harry, what part
of the kitchen is he
inspectin' now?

Veronica.

She could be a violation
all in herself!

We don't have any violations.

But don't you understand?

Some of these guys, they go
around with their own roaches

and thousand-leggers and
spreadin' them all over
the premissaries.

Don't be ridiculous!

I ain't bein' ridiculous,
'cause they're lookin'
for payola.

Or they're looking
for promotions!

Look, he may
notice that the handle
on the refrigerator is loose.

He may notice
that the thermostat
in the oven is cracked.

- And he may notice
that the drains are clogged.
- Oh, God.

Thanks, Mr. Klein,
I missed the drain.

Here you are.
I'll be back to check.

Thank you.

Wait a minute there, sir.

I mean, after all, them
things you noted down there,

they're only little
minor things, you know?

I mean, we could have
them fixed by tomorrow.

Fine. I'll be back tomorrow.

- So soon!
- Can't you give us a break here?

I mean, after all
we're a busy place.

Look at the customers
we got in there.

And there he goes!

I'll tell you, I wouldn't
be a damn bit surprised

if she pointed out
all them things
to him there.

Harry, what was they doin'?

They was
just standin' there,
lookin' at each other.

Let's find out.

Yeah, look for roaches.

Hey, Veronica,
what needs fixin' first?

My hair.

All right, everybody,
look around here for
thousand-leggers.

I'm talkin' about what
the health inspector wants.

So am I. I've got
a date with him tonight.

You got a date
with that young kid?

What for?

For fun.
He's takin' me out dancin'!

Veronica, that's nice.

What are you
talking about,
"That's nice"?

- Don't say that.
- Let me talk to her.

Can I get in here?

No.

Veronica, listen to me.
Don't do a thing like this.

That's only a young guy,
you're a woman of the
oldest generation.

What are you talking about?

I sometimes go
out with women who are
20 years younger than me.

But that's all right.
That's only natural.

A man is supposed to be older.

Who says?

God.

You'd have knew that
if you ever took the trouble

to glance into his Bible there.

Certainly!
That's why he made Adam
first and Eve years later.

Don't give me that face!

If he'd have
wanted it the
other way around,

he would have got Adam
a much older woman somewheres.

- Where?
- Where?

- Anywhere!
- He had millions of people to choose from.

I'm only sayin'
this to you, Veronica,

because I'm the only guy
around here who's worried
about your reputation.

Aw, that's so sweet, Archie.

- You just keep on worrying, huh?
- While I take an hour off.

You're takin' one hour off?
What the hell for?

To get my hair done!

You better take three hours.

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

Yeah.

I'm tellin' you, no good
is gonna come from this.

What did you say?

I say what you say.

Well, the man's right.

- She'll be here any minute!
- She's comin' in any minute!

This woman
is gonna ruin us
with her love life,

and she's so ridiculous.

She doesn't think
that she's ridiculous.

But, Murray, for her own good,
it's up to us to make her
feel ridiculous.

How?

Well, let's all laugh at her.

Hi, everybody!

- Not yet.
- Let her say more.

Guys, I feel like
I'm 16 years old again!

I feel ridiculous.

Ah!

Guess what happened.

- Don't nobody guess!
- It's bound to be off-color.

I'm a young girl again.

To me, you've always
been young, Veronica.

Oh, Mr. Van R.,
thank you.

Why does he always picture
everybody as young?

He ain't seen anybody
since 1940.

I feel like a butterfly
that just sprung out
of her cocoon.

Well, if you're just
out of your cocoon,

they're waitin' for you
in the k-kitchen!

Not even you is gonna
get my goat today, Arch.

What wonderful thing
has happened to you,
Veronica?

I fell in love.

- Ah, she's kiddin' herself!
- Nobody can fall in love in six days!

And seven nights.

You hear this?
Six days and seven nights!

Sounds like a cruise.

It sounds like savagery.

Well, you think what you think,

and I'll think what I think.

She'll soon change that tune.

Veronica:
♪ Here I go again

I think it's terrific
that Veronica has
a boyfriend.

You just
put your fingers
on the problem there.

He's a boy,
she's an older woman.

Technically, that still works.

She's too far gone
for technicals.

Well, youse can all say
what you want.
But she's gonna be dumped.

What makes you think
she's gonna get dumped?

Because Mr. Van R.,
that's life.

There's the dumpers
and there's the dumpees,

and an older woman
is always the dumpee.

All right, okay.

I guess it becomes my sad duty

to go out there
and straighten her out.

I'm the only one who can do it.

- I'll do it.
- Okay, you do it.

And if he fails, Mr. Van R.,
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you

to go out there
and give Veronica
some good advice.

I can only quote Oscar Wilde.

Is he the salesman
from Schenley's?

- No, Arch.
- But he said, "All advice is bad and good advice is fatal."

Somebody's gotta say
something better than that.

Don't look at me!

Already you talked to her?

Yeah. Oh, yes.

Well, well, well? What?

I've been invited to a party.

To a party?

Yes. Steve's sister's throwing
a party next week and she
invited me.

I send you in there to
straighten the woman out,

and you go in there and
boost up your own
social life?

Wait. The only reason
I'm going to the party is
so I can keep an eye on her.

Now, girls,
this is my party, and, Murray,
I want you to dance with me.

I can't do that.

I'm not sure I can
do all these steps.

You got to show me what to do.

Okay, you stand here.
Kinda move your hips
a little bit.

- Oh, I see.
- Like this?

Good!

Wonderful.

- Murray!
- Does it hurt?

Only when I breathe.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Yes, I'm enjoying, I'm enjoying.

Can I get you a drink, honey?

Are you gonna ask me to do that?

Sure.

Then make it a double.

I'll be right back.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I bet you made all this food.

Well, I helped.

- I knew it.
- Steve's just crazy about you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

How do you know that?

He says his Aunt Maggie's
the best cook in the world.

Aunt Maggie?

You're not Aunt Maggie?

No. I'm not Aunt Maggie.

Oh.

I'm Veronica Rooney.

Oh, it's very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Rooney.

No, look, just call me...

Hi! I'm Veronica.

Hi! I'm Kim!

Of course you are.

I just love your dress.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

I wish my mother
would wear bright colors.

She's always in beige!

- Man: Come on, let's go.
- Your mother?

Great music, huh?

Oh, groovy.

You like Blondie?

- Oh, sure.
- And Dagwood and Baby Dumpling, too.

I don't know those groups.

No, see,
they used to be
in the funny papers.

- Excuse me.
- They were a riot!

Your old-fashioned.

I am not.

- Oh. Sorry, Steve.
- Thank you, thank you.

Mmm.

Jeez, you should've
brought yourself
one, too.

And you said you couldn't disco.

Oh, is that what
I was doing, huh?

Oh, boy.

I am so glad that
you invited Murray
to the party.

He is a beautiful
conversationalist.

- Oh, yeah?
- What was he talking about?

Me.

He's told me
all about myself
and we just met.

Oh, it was nothing.
Just a slight knowledge
of astrology.

Astrology?
Oh, do me! Do me!

Do you?

Why not?

I was born November 15th, 1955.

Hmm.

I got bras older than her.

- Oh, a Scorpio, then, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, tonight, you should
concentrate on Taurus,
the bull.

Ooh, show me one.

You're looking at one.

Hey, come on, Maureen,
let's dance.

Oh, excuse me, ma'am.

Ma'am?

See you later, Victoria.

No, her name's
not Victoria, it's...

Hey, Steve, it's okay,
it's okay.

You know,
tonight I kind of
feel like a Victoria.

You having a good time?

Yeah, good.

- Great party, huh?
- Great, great.

Neat bunch of people.

Neat.

Yeah. All old friends.

Yeah.

Real old.

- Come on in, you Scorpio, you...
- -Oh!

- Oh, sorry.
- I was looking for the horseradish.

It's awful hot in here.

The oven's on.

Oh, I thought it was you.

You're a kick, you know that?

I haven't
stopped laughing
since I met you.

- Oh, sure, you have.
- Lots of times.

We gotta talk.

When everybody goes home.

No. We gotta talk now.

Later.

Look, Stevie, there ain't
gonna be no later.

The party is over
and we gotta say goodbye.

"Goodbye"? What do
you mean, "Goodbye"?

- Did I do something wrong inside?
- Did I embarrass...

No, you didn't...
Would you just
let me finish?

We gotta say goodbye.

Oh, boy, I sound like
Paul Henreid in
Now, Voyager.

Who? What are you
talking about?

That. That's what
I'm talking about.

You don't know
who Paul Henreid is.

Well, let me guess, is he...

No, honey, honey,
you just don't know.

So, we gotta say goodbye.

- We were having so much fun.
- Why are you doing this?

Because, because...

I don't... I just...
I want to feel good
about...

About going out to dinner.

We've been out to dinner
lots of times.

Yeah, everybody is always
watching us, you know?

So what do you care?

Well, it's like
they're waitin' for
me to cut your meat.

Hey, I don't know
if you noticed,

but I'm a little
older than you are.

Yeah. You're also
a little shorter
than I am.

It really
doesn't make
much difference.

It bothers me.

It bothers me.

Wear higher heels.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you.

Then don't do this.

I've gotta,
because I'm not willing
for people to think that

you're going out with me
for only one reason.

We know that's not true.

Yeah, but they don't.

But they don't matter.

I know they... They do!

They do!

Well, ain't that awful?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's awful.

Veronica,

if you ever
decide it ain't awful,
will you give me a call?

So fast,
it'll make your head spin.

For your information,
you don't spell
pea soup P-E-E.

All right, all right.

There.

- Wait a minute.
- I just wanna say something to you there.

I know what happened, you know.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

I knew you was gonna get dumped.

Hey, Arch,
I asked you to keep
your big mouth shut.

I never said I would, did I?

Now,
tell the God's honest
truth there, Veronica.

Ain't you sorry now
you got yourself
mixed up

in this foolish
little interlube?

Yeah, Arch. I'm sorry.

Like Dinah is about Burt.

See? You see that?

I don't think that woman
understood one word

of the whole point
of the subject layin'
beneath my thoughts.

And you ask me why I go

to the Equal Rights Commandment?