02x05 - The Wildcat Strike

[bunniefuu]

Now, now, now, wait,
wait a minute there,
Mrs. Whaddyacall,

- you don't have to get yourself excited.
- - You're crazy.

You want a housekeeper to
work here from 2:30
to midnight?

Well, but not the whole time.

I mean, you can
sit down for about
an hour after dishes.

You think
I'm going to leave here
that late at night, huh?

And get robbed,
r*ped and m*rder*d?

Come on there, lady,
no job is perfect.

Until midnight.

Hey, Mr. Bunker, you
don't want no housekeeper,

you want a vampire.

Well, let me tell you
something here, lady.

When I seen you coming in,

that's what I thought
I was getting, a vampire!

Oh, uh, I didn't see
you through the door.

- That's all right.
- Are you Mr. Bunker?

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

I'm Mrs. Ruth Simmons.

I'm here about the
housekeeper's position.

Oh, yeah, well,
pleased to see you.
Come on, step in, step in.

Yes, please, here.

Was that angry woman
who just left here
one of the applicants?

No, no.
That was a poor woman.
She's got sleeping sickness

and she bangs doors
to keep herself awake.

Well, won't you sit down?

- But over there.
- Not in that chair there.

This one's got a spring
in it that bothers women.

- I don't know why.
- Take that one there.

There.

Here are my references.

- Oh, yes, references.
- That's very interesting.

I see you got two years
at a veterinary clinic, there.

Well, I can appreciate that.
See, I'm a vet myself. WWII.

I'll tell you what I need here.

I need somebody, you know,

to do the
shoppin' and the cookin'
and the cleanin' up and all,

but most important of all,
I need somebody to be here

when my little niece
comes home from school.

I see. Then what
would the hours be?

- Let me show you the kitchen there, Ms.
- Whaddyacall...

Just follow me through
the swingin' doors here.

As you see,
it's a very, very large
and spacious kitchen, see.

And it would just suit
the person of your
dimensions.

Old-fashioned kitchen,
but well-equipped there.

I mean,
this kitchen
here's got features

that you don't find
in many kitchens nowadays.

Now, here's
your stove over here.

And now that's an almost
new linoleum floor there.

That's very easy on the knees
when a woman wants to get
down there and scrub.

And over here is
your ice box,
you see?

Open the door,
the light comes on.

If you hit it once.

Twice is always the charm.

That's fine, but I really
want to know what the
hours are.

Now, won't you sit down, huh?

There, that's right.

You want a beer?

No, thank you.

The hours?

The hours
is the best
part of the job.

You only have to
work on school days.

And you don't have to
come to work until 2:30,

so you can get plenty
of your much-needed
beauty rest.

So then I go home after dinner?

Sure,
but you'll wanna
do the dishes first.

So the job is from
about 2:30 to 7:00?

Well, give or take
a few hours either side.

What's a few?

Five or six. You know...

You expect me to
go home at midnight?

Well, no.

I mean, if Johnny Carson's
got a particularly funny
show on there,

it's all yours.

Do you know
how dangerous it is
at night on those streets?

Five people in this city
get m*rder*d every night.

I know, I heard...
I mean, that's what they say.

I know, but after all,
this city is, what,
40, 45 million people, huh?

Your chances of being one of
that misfortunate five is
very slim.

Mr. Bunker,
is this the back door?

Yes, yes, this is the back door.

And here's another
great convenience here,

if you'll follow me.

Now, this is very good.

The back door
leads directly
out here to the yard

and then
the yard leads
directly to the street.

Good. That's
where I'm going.

- Huh?
- Nice meeting you!

Well,
wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What are you strugglin'
to tell me here?

- You don't want this job?
- You got it.

Well, you can go
take a runnin' jump
into the Gowanus Canal.

Hey, Arch, you having
a woman problem?

Aw, come on there,
don't be funny.

You know
I'm tryin' to hire
a housekeeper over here.

That was the 10th walkout.

Well, you got another
solution, you know.

You can always get rid of
that bar and be a housewife.

And you can always quit
being a cop and be
a hairdresser.

Ed, you forgot your purse.

- Oh, oh, a purse?
- He's got a purse there?

Ain't he sweet?

I'm on Vice this week.

- I'm sorry, Ed.
- I don't see you as no dame.

I'm terrific in drag.

Some bum thought
he was mugging
Diana Ross.

Hey, Arch,
have you found
a housekeeper yet?

Polly, nobody wants
to put in the time,
you know?

And what is it, after all,
2:30 to midnight?

What's that, five
and a half to six hours?

- I gotta go.
- Bye.

Honey, why don't you
tell him about Ellen?

Ellen, who?

Ellen Canby, Ed's sister.
She's been living with us.

You know,
she might be
interested in the job.

Does she do this kind of
housekeepin' work?

- No, she's a dressmaker.
- But I'm sure she can use the money.

She just separated from
her husband.

Well, hey,
that might be
good, you know,

and very convenient, you know,
her livin' just over there...

I wouldn't even have
to pay her no car fare.

Now, wait a minute.

I don't even know
if she'll take it.

But I'll talk
to her later and
if she's interested,

I'll call you at the bar.

Oh, Polly, when you're
talkin' to her, you know,

give me kind of
a build-up, there.

What I mean to say is,
mention some of my
better qualities.

You know what I mean?

I'll think of something.

Hey, that's swell, Polly.

There's only one thing
that worries me.

She ain't what you call
a regular housekeeper,
you know.

She's one of them dressmakers.

Hey, that's terrific.

After she's done
cookin' and cleanin',

she can make you
a spring ensemble.

Don't laugh at that.

Arch, we got a problem.

Kozminski loused us up again
with the napkin order.

Aw, gee,
what did he
do this time?

Well, I open the carton,
there's 2,000 c*ck
napkins saying,

"Drink up, it's a boy."-

Aw, jeez,
I never wanna
see that guy no more.

Well, he's coming here
tomorrow at 5:00.

You gotta talk to him,
Murray, I can't do it.

That cabbage eatin' bohunk.

He could
bottle his breath
and sell it as nerve gas.

I'm not gonna talk to him.
Remember the last time
he was here,

he pinched my cheek so hard
I couldn't smile for a week.

Somebody's gotta talk to him.

Veronica.

Oh, no.
I don't own this joint.

And keep that guy
out of my kitchen.

When he exhales,
he wilts my parsley.

- All right, we've gotta decide.
- Are you ready?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

You get gassed.

Don't you see me getting it?

- Archie Bunker's Place.
- A. Bunker, here.

Oh, hey, that's
great news there, Polly.

Yeah, well,
I'll tell you what you do.

The kid's due
home from school
any minute now, see.

Why don't you take your
sister-in-law and bring
her over to the house?

The two of them can meet, see?

And I'll start for home now.
Yes, I'll be there in
15 minutes. Bye.

Wait a minute.
What is this?
Half a day for you?

Aw, quit your beefing, will you?

I don't say nothin' when
you pop out to the
Turkish bath.

And knowing the kind of people
who go there nowadays, I could
say a lot.

You really made that?

Well, I didn't make this,
but I made this and this.

Is it hard to make clothes?

Not when you know how.
But it is hard to learn how.

Could you teach me?

Maybe. But first,
let's learn this.

Now your teacher marked you
wrong because Columbus
sailed from Spain, not Ohio.

Someone told me to write Ohio.

Maybe someone didn't
understand the question.

I hope you can work here,
Mrs. Canby.

Oh, thank you, Stephanie.
I hope so, too.

I'm home, I'm home.

- Hiya, kiddo.
- Hi.

Oh, hiya there.

I come over as fast as I could.

Well, well, well, you
must be Mrs. Whaddyacall...

- Ellen Canby.
- Nice to meet you.

Well, very nice
to meet you, too.

- Mrs.
- Canby says Columbus came from Spain.

Well, who's arguing?

You said Ohio.

I didn't say Columbus
come from Ohio,

I said that Ohio was
probably the first
place he landed.

Nobody knows for sure.

Polly told me
all about the job
and it sounds fine.

Oh, listen,
the pay is good and
it's very convenient.

You know, all you gotta do
is come right across the yard.

And would you
mind if I did some
of my sewing over here?

No, no, no, you can do
any of that stuff you want.

See, the main thing is to
have somebody here for
her who she likes.

I like Mrs. Canby.

Ah, that's swell, swell.

Ah, the job is a natural
for you, you know.

There's nobody better than
youse people when it comes
to cooking and cleaning

and straightenin' up
other people's messes.

And you don't have to worry
about none of the brainwork
connected with the job.

The brainwork?

Well, there's
a certain amount of
mental work, you know.

Like sending out
the grocery list,

adding up the bills,
checking the accounts...
See, I'll handle all of that.

Nobody expects you
to do none of that.

Cool it. Please.

What's the matter with you?

I'm just tryin' to take
a load off of the
woman's mind.

- Mr.
- Bunker, you've got quite a load to take off your own mind.

What do you mean?

I didn't realize
I was signing up to
work on the old plantation.

Look, there's no yard work here.

It's all inside.

And I suppose you'll have
plenty of fried chicken
and ribs for me?

Oh, yeah, I'll buy you
anything you want to eat.

And watermelon?

Certainly!
Whenever it's in season.

And then after dinner,
I suppose you'd like me to
sing a couple of Spirituals.

Well, Spirituals make me sad,

but anything from
Count Basie would
be fine.

Mr. Bunker,
you'd better
find someone else.

Find someone else, why?

I am no longer
an applicant for the job.

Well, wait, what happened?

I thought
we was gettin'
along so good here.

You mean to say
you really don't
want this job?

That's right.

You can shove it.

- Sorry, Stephanie.
- I'll let myself out.

You had to talk, didn't you?

Hey, don't be givin' me
no lip over here.

You didn't hear what
that woman just said
to me.

Yes, I did.

- You did?
- What did she say?

She said she'd rise above it.

Yeah, that's what she said.

I don't believe you.

Mrs. Canby's probably
a nice lady,

and you couldn't
keep your big mouth shut.

- You wasn't there.
- How the hell do you know?

Let me tell you somethin'.

I was Mr. Charm.

It's true.
I offered the woman
everything she asked for.

And then suddenly
she turns on me,
wild-eyed.

Well, what do you think it was?

It could only be one thing.

She's going through the change.

You drove 11 applicants away?

No. Jeez...

Not one of them was
willing to take the job?

That ain't the point
I'm tryin' to tell you.

None of them
wants to work the hours.

Except one woman.
But she can't work Thursdays.

- Why not?
- - Thursday she sees her parole officer.

I don't think it's
the hours. It's you.

Why is it me?

All I want is somebody
to cook a little and
clean a little

and talk English.

I guess that leaves
out my relatives, huh?

That's right, Jose,
and it's a shame, because
I would've went to them first.

Why?

Because your people
don't mind the late hours.

They love the dark.

And they can clean
almost as good as
the coloreds.

Why do you say that?

Well, don't our English words
for nice and clean come right
from the Spanish?

What words?

Spic and Span.

Would you tell me
what the hell he's
ravin' about there?

Jeez, nowadays!

I try to
say somethin' nice
about a race of people

and he's tryin' to
stab me with a ladle.

You know, Arch,
I got the feeling that
when you interview people,

you don't use enough tact.

Well, you don't
know me very good.

Ask Harry here.
I'm as tacky as
the next guy, right?

- More.
- Yeah.

You blew it, Arch.

If you think you can do
it better, then go and
do it.

I can't hire
a housekeeper for you.

I give you full authority there.

And you'd be doin' me a favor,

because if I gotta talk
to one more of them women,

I'm gonna wind up weavin'
baskets in a Hoo-Hoo hotel.

What if you don't like
my choice?

- I'll like her.
- I'll like her.

Hey, there's one more woman
coming over to the house
at 5:00.

Go and hire her.

I can't do it.

Why?

Hi, boys.

That's why. Kozminski.

- Murray! Murray! How are you?
- Hello, Kozminski.

- You old son of a g*n.
- Good to see you.

Kozminski, let me go.

Here, here, Archie.

You talk to him, huh?
I'm goin' over to
your house.

I'll get you a housekeeper.

Uh, Murray, remember
three things for me, huh?

Don't talk about crime,
don't talk about the hours,

and keep smiling.

I'll give you two out of three.

- How you doin', Koz?
- Good to see you, Archie.

Yeah, same here.

Oh, you like my napkins.

They was the wrong kind, Koz.

I'll bring good ones tomorrow.

No, don't do that, Koz.
Can't you send them
by parcel post?

As a matter of fact, Koz,

you don't have to
come here all the way
from Bensonhurst no more.

How come?

We could do business
just as easy on the phone.

Okay?

- Okay?
- Okay.

Oh, jeez!

Would you like some company?

Sure.

I'm sorry
your Uncle Archie
and I didn't get along.

- I really wanted you to work for us.
- I get lonely around here.

- I know, honey.
- I get lonely, too.

I used to
have so much fun
with my Aunt Edith.

She would play the piano
and I would sing with her

until Uncle Archie
would make us stifle.

Stephanie,
just because
I'm not working here

doesn't mean you and I
can't have fun together.

Do you wanna play cards with me?

Sure, come on over.

I can't.

Why not?

I have to stay in the house
when I'm alone.

I'm not even supposed
to be out here.

Then I'll come over there.

Now, what would
you like to play?
Go Fish or Old Maid?

Blackjack.

And I better warn you,

they call me
"The Jersey Kid."

Dealer takes one.

Pay 20.

Nineteen, again!

If this keeps up,
I'm gonna have to
hock my sewing machine.

- You're doin' fine.
- Uncle Archie owes me $45,000.

He says he's gonna
pay me off in Twinkies.

- Who is it?
- Murray.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.

Well, hello.

Are you here to see about
the housekeeping job for
Mr. Bunker?

I saw about that yesterday.

She rose above it.

I left.

This is our new neighbor,
Mrs. Canby.

- Mrs. Canby.
- Oh, how do you do?

I'm Murray Klein.

I'm Archie Bunker's
business partner.

Oh, my condolences.

Thank you.

I'm sorry that you
and Archie didn't
hit it off.

But we did. Didn't we?

We sure did.

- I'm gonna go make some tea.
- Oh.

- It's the best thing I make.
- All I have to do is boil water.

Well...

Well, why didn't you
take the job?

I don't know the words
to "Ol' Man River."

Oh, now I understand.

You know, Mrs. Canby,

the first time I met
Archie Bunker, I walked out.

But after a while,

I learned
how to make our
partnership work.

I even got to like him.

You see, it's just that his...

His mouth is in overdrive
and his mind is in reverse.

You can ask Polly
and Ed about that.

I don't know.

- Mrs.
- Canby, can you see Archie raising that little girl alone?

I can't look.

You see, that's why
she needs a person
like you.

Now, why don't you
just try it for a while?

See how it goes.

Even if
I changed my mind,
he would never hire me.

He has
given me the authority
to hire whomever I choose.

I choose you.

- Mr. Klein, really, I...
- Well, just try it,
please.

Just for Stephanie's sake.

Excuse me.

- Hello.
- Bunker residence.

Well, that's all right.

As a matter of fact,
you don't have to come
over here at all.

I think the position
of housekeeper has
been filled.

Would you hold on?

It's been filled.

Hi, kiddo, I'm home.

Stephanie:
I'm in the kitchen.

Yeah, I can hear that.

Hey, Murray hired us
a housekeeper, I hear.

Oh, yeah, she's great.

- Yeah, great, great.
- She's...

Bring me a beer, will you, hon?

Maybe things will
get back to something
like normal around here.

- Thank you, darlin'.
- You're welcome.

What are you doin' back?

I'm the new housekeeper.

How did that happen?

You told Mr. Klein
to hire whoever he wanted.

- I meant to exclude two women.
- Jane Fonda and you.

By the way,
I fixed the light
in your refrigerator.

Hi.

Don't you be givin' me no hi-s.

You know,
I ought to
belt you one.

What have you been
doin' around here, huh?

How could you
let Murray hire her?

You're no dummy.

You know that
her and me is like
an emotionous force

meetin' an irridiculous object.

She's a nice lady,
and I like her a lot.

But I don't.

She'll be here with me, not you.

Well, that's true.

You really like her?

A lot.

Aw, now, come on.
Don't be lookin' at me

like a puppy at the pound.

- All right, all right.
- We can try her out a little while,

but in the meantime,
I'm gonna comb
the city of New York

for somebody
you'll like even better.

- Thanks.
- All right.

All right, you're on.

We can try it out
for about two weeks.

Oh? I was thinking
about one.

Meantime, you better
start looking for someone

more sympathetic
with your outlook.

Okay, okay, swell.

We'll try it out.

For one week.

As long as you know your place.

Oh, I do.
It's right here.

White bread, Archie?