01x24 - A Small Mafia Favor

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Harry, wash
the champagne glasses good.

They've been
in the back room
a long time.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

The last time we had
anything good to celebrate

was when Nixon got in.

Better wash them twice.

Hey there,
Mr. Big Liberal,

don't be knocking
Richard E. Nixon.

Huh?

He's here in New York now

and he's gonna be
your next governor.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, Harry, would you hurry up?

Veronica's gonna come out
any second

and spoil the surprise.

Yeah, but what
are you doing here?

I'm putting candles
on Veronica's cake.

If you put on a candle

for every year of her life,

you're gonna set off
the smoke alarm.

How old is she anyhow?

Well, she ain't as old as you.

Well, she ain't
as old as you neither.

All I'm trying
to say is that women

get old young, you know?

I mean, uh, you never hear
of a woman who's 60

become a mother,

but guys can become
a father at 70, 80, 90.

I've read in the paper
one old guy

become a father
a hundred and twenty-six.

- Ah.
- Where did you see that?

I read that
in the "National Enquirer."

- Oh, that...
- Yes. Yes.

The only paper nowadays
you could rely on.

This guy is a farmer,

see, down in Kansas.

And one of them
unidentifiable flying objects

landed in the middle
of one of his fields there.

And the co-pilot got out,

and then gave him
a bottle of something

to, you know, rejuvenate him.

Something to eat or drink?

- No.
- It said on the bottle,

"Rub on where needed,"

if you follow my meaning.

- Who sent the flowers?
- Who sent these flowers?

- There's a note there.
- There is a note there.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Don't.
- Hey, hey.

People who don't
seal up their letters

got to take
their chances, right?

Read it.

It broke my heart
when his honor,

the judge split us apart,

but for all my life,

you'll always be my wife.

Happy birthday

and love sweetheart,

your Tiger.

Who the hell is a Tiger?

Well, whoever he is,

he ain't no
Henry "Woolworth" Longfellow.

I know who that is.

That's the ex-husband, Carmine.

- That's right.
- Oh, Carmine.

Ain't Carmine
the one that fired shots

at her underwear
on the clothesline?

No. No.
Carmine was tough,

but he wasn't depraved.

So, what is it Carmine done?

He shoved her out the window.

Ah.

Psst, here she comes.

- Here she comes.
- All right. Here she comes.

Don't... shush, shush,
Murray, shush.

All:
♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

Hey, fellas, how'd you know?

I think we could see it
in your eyes.

Here's some flowers, Veronica.

- Oh, Murray.
- Yeah.

- You shouldn't have.
- Oh, it's nothing.

No, he didn't send you them.

Them's from your ex.

Carmine.

What, you got another ex?

Yeah. I had Morris.

He died just before
I married Carmine.

Did Carmine
shove him out a window?

No.

Morris ate a dozen oysters

and 11 was bad.

Well, that'll do it
as quick as any window.

Read it. It's short.

Yeah. That's Carmine,
all right.

Tell the truth, Veronica,

was Carmine really your tiger?

You read my note.

Ain't nothing sacred?

No, I didn't.
Arch, read it.

Yeah. But Harry told me
it was there.

Hey, Veronica,
let's see the flowers.

Yeah. Come on.

They are a dozen

long-stemmed roses.

Red ones.

Right on the nose.

I told you.

Yeah. He must
still be sweet on you.

Carmine?

He sent these
because he's out of cash.

Next the phone will ring

with him asking me
to telegraph him a hundred.

Holy cow.

Hello, Carmine?

It's for Jose.

What the hell
does Carmine want with Jose?

It's not Carmine.

It's a dame.

I don't understand this.

Who is it?

It sounds like Chiquita banana.

Oh, that's Delores.

Hey,

I bet if Carmine called,

you would still send him
the hundred.

Never again, Barney.

And I want you to know.

It makes me feel good
not caring.

- Archie: Atta girl.
- Yeah.

Pour me a bit
of the bubbly, Arch.

Hey, Veronica.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Who is that, Barney?
Henry Fonda?

No.

Who the hell was it?
Cagney or who?

- What?
- Oh, Archie.

Hey, I got to make a wish.

- Um...
- Okay. Head back,

- close your eyes.
- Okay.

You blew out my candles.

So, what?
I made the wish for you.

So, what did you wish?

I wish that you go
in the kitchen

and get ice cream
to go with the cake.

Well.

How the hell long
does it take you

to make a date?

I got to get
her brother to come.

You want her brother
on your date?

Well, he's got
the jumper cables.

See? These people,
they have a whole

other way of living.

Ah, jeez, whoever that is,

tell them we're closed up
for the night.

What these people think we do?

Stay open 24 hours a day, huh?

Get out of here!

Sorry, friend,
we're closed for the night.

I'm not a customer.

I'm looking for someone.

Uh-oh.

If that's a process server,

will you tell him Barney Hefner

went to Cincinnati.

And if it's from immigration,

tell him that Jose Perez
went back to Nicaragua.

Whoever you're looking for,
they went someplace else.

I'm looking for Veronica Rooney.

Well, tell him
she ain't here neither.

Wait a minute, Arch,
we don't know who the man is.

By any chance,
would you be Carmine?

Yeah,

I'm Carmine.

Hey, welcome.

- How are you?
- Nice to see you.

- Yeah.
- She's in the kitchen.

Is that the Tiger?

Oh, she read you my note.

Well, not exactly,

he read me your note.

Well, you left
your note open, Carmine.

She said you might call up,

but, uh, you wasn't expected
to show up.

Well, I wanted to surprise her

- for her birthday.
- Yeah.

How old is she anyway?

She never told me.

This is a nice cozy place.

Yeah. We like it.

I passed by here today. Busy.

You, uh, got to be paying
a cook pretty good, huh?

Top dollar.

Are you Archie Bunker?

No, I'm Murray Klein,
his partner.

Uh, I'm Archie Bunker
over here. Here.

- Partners?
- Mm-hmm.

Enough for two, huh?

Yeah. All right.

Carmine, not to be
"inhospital," or nothin', uh,

but, um, uh,

tell you the truth, you ain't
wanted around here, you know?

Everybody is scared of you.

Has she been bad-mouthing me
around here, huh?

All:
Yeah.

I bet she told you
I was a terrible heel.

Ah, she didn't say that.

Yeah.
But I think she would have

if the phone hadn't rung.

Hey. Give me a break, guys.

I just wanna wish her
a happy birthday.

- Okay.
- I'll tell her you're here.

Um, uh, Murray, Murray.

- Is this gonna be good for us?
- Will you...?

Murray, there's gonna be...
He never listens to me.

Uh, uh, Veronica,
Murray is coming in there

to tell you something.

It's gonna be a shock.

Well, Veronica, brace yourself.

Your Tiger is out there purring.

I heard.

Oh.

Do you want me
to get rid of him?

No, Murray.

I'll get rid of him,

the only way.

Now, don't upset him, you know,

any guy who pushes people
out the windows...

Murray, trust me.

I'll handle him with kid gloves.

Okay.

Okay.
Carmine, you can go in.

Hey, I can't wait to see her.

Yeah, well, you ain't waiting.

Murray, listen,
is this good for us?

- Are we gonna lose a cook?
- Oh, stop.

I don't think it's safe
letting him go in there.

That ain't
what I'm talking about.

Will you two stop worrying?

Now, she told me
she's gonna handle him

with kid gloves.

That could be good for us.

Carmine:
Hey, hey, hey.

Veronica:
You rat! You...

Two-timer!

She's handling the whole kitchen

with kid gloves.

Carmine:
Be careful with that knife.

You could k*ll me
if you stab me in the heart.

Veronica:
What heart?

Can't you see
I'm not aiming at your heart?

Better take a look.

Look out.

And this is
for the blonde elevator girl

and for what happened

when she stopped
between the second

- and third floor.
- No, Veronica. No, don't.

Happy birthday, Veronica.

And this is just

for the fourth and fifth floors.

I can't control myself.
I'm a tiger.

This is for that time
in Rockaway Beach

when I caught you
giving mouth to mouth

to that bimbo
in the blue bikini.

What was I supposed to do?
She was gonna drown.

Drown? How can you drown

under the board walk?

I thought the tide
was coming in.

I think I'll hit you again.

Veronica, give me a break.

At least I wasn't a f*g.

Don't you ever mention

my first husband.

You ain't fit to wear his dress.

Hey, hey, Veronica.

Hey, baby.

Hey, don't be wrecking

my kitchen in there, huh?

That's genuine
Hong Kong delftware

you can't glue back
together again

you're breaking up in there.

Veronica:
Shut up.

Let her alone.

Let her get him
out of her system.

But will she do that
for all our delftware?

You can always get
another set of delftware.

Besides, it sounds like
the storm is over.

Maybe she k*lled him.

Oh, come on.

Get out of here.

Hey, why are we
fighting like this?

We had some good times,

let's remember the last moment

we spent together.

I was asleep,

you run off with my paycheck.

Oh, well, let's forget
the past, look ahead.

You stir me up
when you're angry,

you're like a wild amazon,

I wanna grab you,
hold you tight,

stick my fingers
into your flesh,

bite your bare shoulders.

Oh.

Oregano.

Oh, come on. Stop it.

Stop it, don't say them things,

you know sick talk turns me on.

Let me chew the finger next,

press my lips against yours.

- No, Carmine, not here.
- Not here.

The kitchen embarrasses me.

I'm Italian.
What's the matter
with the kitchen?

It's like the pots
are watching us.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

What are they doing now?

They finally
put on the kid gloves.

Things are looking
pretty good for them, huh?

Good for them.

But is this good for us?

I don't have to come here
for slow service.

I can get that at home.

Where's my omelet?

Take it easy, Hank.

Murray's calling Veronica,

she'll be back soon.

Lot of good that'll do me now.

Can't you relax out there,
huh, Hank?

Ain't you never heard
the old expression,

patience is a virgin?

All I want is a lousy omelet.

You're getting it.

Jose: Here you go.
Lousy omelet.

She doesn't answer.

I hate to say it, fellas,
but I think we're gonna have

to find another cook.

That ain't gonna be easy.

Except for me,
good help is hard to find.

And I hate to admit it,
but I think he's right there.

You know, nowadays, half
the country is on welfare,

the other half is riding
the subways picking pockets.

What's left
is running for president.

Hey, Murray, do you really think

that Veronica would leave
without giving you

some kind of notice?

Oh, yes.

If she's in love,
I'm afraid she would.

Well then, I'm not gonna
eat here anymore.

Jeez, Barney,
your loyalty is touching.

Hey, I'm a lodge buddy.

Don't be long, sweetheart.

Twenty minutes, tops.

Get a load of Samson
and Delu-lu.

Don't hate me, guys, for taking

this wonderful lady away.

Fellas, I got something
to tell you.

Carmine is taking me
to Atlantic City

for a wild, wonderful,
wicked week.

Uh, swell.

You know, we're down
a lot of delftware

over youse two...

Oh, Carmine's good for it.

Yeah. And now
youse are running off

to Atlantic City, huh?

Well, what about us?

He only invited me.

You know, I hope for your sake,

he has reserved
a room with no windows.

Veronica,
who's gonna cook around here?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna have
any place to eat.

Barney, how old are you?

Fifty.

You've eaten enough.

Veronica, I don't like to butt
into anybody's private life,

but I don't think

you ought to go with that guy.

What?

Go, be happy.

Boy, you got guts.

I knew you'd understand, Murray.

I tell you, last night
was so wonderful,

I heard soft music and bells.

It sounds like
the two of them was in the back

of a Good Humor truck.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

- Jeez.
- You got guts, too.

Veronica,

let me get this straight.

You're going away for a week,

and then you're gonna come
right back here

and work for us, right?

Wrong, Murray,

after Atlantic City,
we are driving

straight to Florida

and happy ever after.

- With whose money?
- Carmine's.

He's gonna do what
he always promised himself

he was gonna do
ever since he was a kid.

- What's that?
- Get a job.

You mean,

you're saying goodbye
to us forever?

- That's it, Murray.
- Oh, Veronica.

Oh, Murray, Murray,

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss
all of youse guys,

Barney, and Hank, and Harry.

Ah, cut the banana oil
over there, huh?

You ain't gonna miss none of us,

you're only thinking
about yourself.

Well, why shouldn't I
look out for number one

for a change, huh?

This could be my last shot
at ecstasy.

With Carmine?

We love each another.

Love, huh?

Let me tell you something,

I think that guy Carmine

is a very cold-blooded gent.

Well, he likes the back
of a Good Humor truck.

What Good Humor truck?

She heard bells.

Well, all right,
Veronica, go ahead.

You wanna go, go.

For my part, I ain't got
nothing more to say.

Well, I think
the least you could do

would be to offer me a drink

while I'm waiting
for Carmine to pick me up.

Oh,

do you hear this, huh?

She wants
a free drink over here,

and she's leaving us
in the lurch.

Oh, come on, Arch,
you can afford to be a sport.

Oh, don't give me that
be a sport stuff there.

How long is it gonna take
Carmine to get here for you?

Fifteen minutes.

- Fifteen minutes.
- You know how much

she could put away in that time?

No more than a fifth.

Hey, hey, not from there.

From there.

Oh, Arch, look at the time,

1:35 P.M.

And Carmine
was supposed to be here

at 10:30 A.M.

Yeah.
Well, over a fifth to go.

Don't be paying attention to me.

Drink your drink.

I think we ought to see her home

while she's got an outside
chance of walking.

- Will you do that, Murray?
- Why me?

She likes you.

Veronica?

Yoo-hoo, Veronica, here I am.

Oh,

- Murray.
- Yes.

Murray.

My mother named me
after Saint Veronica.

Well, it's a beautiful name.

She said it would help
keep me pure.

Oh, well, now, come on, come on,

I guess she didn't figure
on Carmine, did she?

Oh, no.

Carmine is why she died.

What do you mean?

No, he didn't.

- Hmm?
- Oh, no, no.

It was unknown,

a lingering thing.

We thought she'd never go.

God rest her soul.

Thank you.

I bet our car broke down.

What car?

The car Carmine went to buy,

so we could drive
to happy ever after.

Now, where did he get the money?

From the $1,400 I loaned him.

Jeez.

I shouldn't have done that, huh?

Why do I let him
do that to me, Murray?

- Am I stupid?
- No.

- Veronica, you're not stupid.
- I am.

- I'm stupid.
- Believe me,

- you are not stupid.
- Stupid.

I'm with her, she's stupid.

And now, he's driving off
to Florida

in my $1,400 car.

Yeah, but look
on the bright side,

maybe he'd have
an accident in it.

Veronica, I think you have
to figure that maybe

you and Carmine don't have

any future together.

Yes. Yes.
Murray is right,

your future is here with us,

with people who want you
and love you.

Come on, now, Veronica,
don't cry.

- Oh, Murray, I see.
- Don't, don't...

Let her cry.

God, when they stop crying,
they throw up.

What happened?

Carmine.

Carmine, he broke
her heart once again.

Well, like the French say,

That ain't French.

Yeah, they mean the same thing.

You'll always return

to your first love.

Why don't you return
to the kitchen?

Off we go, off we go, Murray.

- I got your bag.
- Yes, you got my bag.

- All right. Now, come on, now.
- Yes, I'm coming.

I'm gonna take you home.

- I am going home.
- Watch the chair.

- Here you go, come on.
- Okay, Bunker,

this is au revoir.

You know, au revoir,

but not good bye, huh?

Right. Au revoir,

- but hello.
- Yeah.

We'll see you tomorrow morning.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Here, Veronica.

You know, there is one thing

that I have to hold on to.

Carmine could've gone

to any woman

for that $1,400,

but he comes straight to me.

I guess that tells you
something, huh?

Toodaloo.

Come on, here you go,

straight through there.

She is stupid.

- Watch your step.
- I'll watch the step.

- Murray: That's a girl.
- Oh, we're at the door.

Veronica:
I got it.

Murray:
Come on. Here you go.

See this, huh?

Now, this is why I'm so scared

of the equal rights
"commandment."