Veronica:
♪ If you were the only boy
That's not a good song
for you, Freddy.
Hey, Freddy, there's customers
coming up on lunch.
What are you reading?
Sorry.
It's a law book.
In the summer,
he's gonna pass the Bar.
- This is the winter.
- Let him pass the menus.
I'm going.
I just lost track of time.
Why does he have to talk
like that?
Why does a cat meow?
Because the Lord
didn't want him to bark.
There's your answer.
Hey, look, don't you
worry about Fred
till he invites you to the prom.
Oh, come on, will ya?
Oh, you come on.
He does his work, don't he?
It's what he does
after work that I don't
like thinking about.
Then don't think about it.
Think about things
that make you happy,
like mass arrests
and foreign wars.
Don't be smart, huh?
- What?
- Nada, nada.
What the hell's he doing
studying law?
Because he's got brains.
He ain't gonna wait tables
all his life.
Well, I don't think
they're gonna let a guy
like that be a lawyer,
or should I say a lawyeress.
Do you think they will?
They? Who is "they"?
They, they is the ones
that say yes or no,
do or don't, stop or go.
They is the ones
who run this world.
- Oh, yeah.
- You mean, them they.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
See, I thought, in this country,
we were supposed to be they.
Oh, don't make me laugh, huh.
If you and me was they,
would we have
so many little problems?
Well, if you was they,
we'd have one big problem.
I heard that.
Baked potato with that, Tom?
Yeah. That sounds good.
Salisbury steak, medium,
baked potato.
Hey, how are you doing there,
George?
Hey, you cops
gaining on the criminals?
They're still way ahead
of us, Arch.
Oh, geez.
What a world, huh?
- Hey there, Tommy.
- Hey, Arch.
I haven't seen you
at the lodge lately.
Well, I ain't got no time.
I'm an "entreprenew" now.
You know they wanted
to make you Santa Claus
- at the Christmas party.
- Oh, hey, no more of that.
I've done that once.
Kid hops up on my lap there,
makes a warm sissy
all over the red suits.
You wanna eat here
at the bar, Tom?
Yeah, yeah, right here.
Oh, why at the bar?
We got nice comfortable tables.
I know, but I'm comfortable
where I am.
Oh, come on.
Harry, bring his lunch
to a table.
- No, no, no.
- I don't wanna eat in there.
What's the matter
with our tables?
Nothing, but, uh...
well, that blonde boy,
the waiter, he still work here?
Fred? Yeah.
Well, then do me a favor.
Let me eat at the bar, huh?
What's the matter with Fred?
Hold it, Harry, geez, we know
what's the matter with Fred.
The question is has he been
giving Tom any trouble here.
- Did he?
- Well...
no, not exactly trouble, no.
Trouble. What trouble?
Trouble with Fred.
I knew damn well
this was gonna happen.
Oh, hey, listen, fellas,
I got nothing against q*eers,
- but they make me nervous.
- That's all.
Did Fred make a pass at you?
Hey, I came in for lunch.
- Let's just forget it, huh?
- Tom, what happened?
Archie knows me.
I'm like him,
a live-and-let-live guy.
- You know what I mean?
- I know exactly what you mean.
All right, so when put out money
for a restaurant meal,
I like to be able to relax.
Fred did make a pass
at you, huh?
No, but I just don't wanna worry
about that possibility.
Well, you don't have to worry.
Come on inside.
I'll wait on you myself.
Look, let me just eat
at the bar, huh, fellas?
And I wanna tell you something.
It won't be long
until that kid's pals
start hanging out in here.
I told you. They'll be
coming in to our place.
- Will you take it easy?
- They haven't so far.
Well, they will.
They always do.
I mean, I know a nice place
just like this in Flushing
and they ruined it.
It became a pick-up joint.
Pick up!
Where?
Oh. It's Tom's lunch.
Take it easy, will you?
I could take you to that place
in Flushing, Arch,
but they might say
we were an item.
Oh, don't do that to me.
These people
are looking over here.
Hey, George.
Why don't youse cops
close up them places?
Tell you what, Arch,
too many of our leading citizens
want them places open.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Hey there, little girl,
you got a big smooch for the man
that gives you bread and board?
Nope. But I got
one for the man
that gives me As in math.
- That's me. Come on.
- You got me a C.
I'm talking about Fred.
- Hey, look.
- You got me an A!
Oh, well, congratulations.
Hey, hey, but you got
yourself that A.
I just showed you how to get it.
Hey, kid.
I got a piece of
coconut cream pie in here
with your name on it.
Yummy.
There goes the teeth.
Haven't you got
any fruit in there?
I've seen fruit out here.
Geez, a real funny guy like you
ought to be wearing
your lunch on your head.
Want me to come out there and
show you the right angle, huh?
Veronica, no violence, huh,
because we just had...
All right, all right, Tom.
Just eat your lunch
and enjoy yourself.
We'll take care of this
other thing here.
Murray, come on, I got
to see you in the office.
- All right.
- Hey, Linda from the laundry
didn't show with our towels.
- Well, what do you want me to do?
- Crochet you up a batch?
What is it?
What are we gonna do about Fred?
We're gonna do nothing.
Didn't you hear Tom out there?
That kid Fred is gonna
turn our bar and grill
into a fairy land.
Arch, that kid has never brought
one of his friends in here.
Not one.
Just because one of
your redneck pals there
starts to spout a little poison.
Hey, hey, hey,
that pal of mine out there
happens to be a
Mr. All-American
G.I. Joe Veteran.
That's the best
of the average man.
Well, let's raise the average.
How?
Ignore him.
Murray,
you wanna have
three toilets in here?
I mean, his,
hers, and theirs?
I don't wanna hear
any more about Fred.
He's a good waiter,
I like him, end of story.
- You like him?
- Yes, don't you?
That ain't the question.
The question is
would you like him
to marry your brother?
I don't care who he marries.
Oh, well, you don't care,
Mr. Big Liberal here,
but it would k*ll
your little mother.
Murray, he's got to go.
Unless of course you can figure
someway to turn him around.
Me figure?
Well, you're the one
that wants him.
I got it.
I got it.
We'll let him look
at Playboy Magazine.
- Well, wait a minute.
- That's a start.
Let him see
what he's missing, huh?
Right.
God knows it's all in there.
Right.
And I seen magazines
even worser than Playboy.
So did I, like dirty pictures.
Filthy. Show them all.
Right. And he'll see
what normal sex really is like.
Damn right.
And then we fix him up
with a hooker.
No, no, no, no.
Murray, not a hooker,
a nice girl.
A nice girl?
Yeah, sure.
You see,
when a guy's carnal
instincts is aroused,
you know what I mean,
that's when you need a nice girl
to t*rture him by saying no.
Then you got him.
The minute he's tortured,
he's as normal
as the rest of us.
Oh, oh, oh, what's this
I hear out here?
Murray.
Murray, did you hear that out
there what I just heard, huh?
I didn't hear anything, Arch.
Will you please
just let me rest here?
Murray, it's the answer
to a prayer.
It's Linda from the laundry.
She's out there talking
to Fred, huh?
Don't you see my idea, huh?
Oh, Arch,
please don't mess around.
I was only kidding.
You just can't change
these things.
All right.
If you ain't got no guts
to do this, I'll handle it.
Well, well, well,
what a surprise.
Linda from the laundry.
Oh, Mr. Bunker,
you see me every day.
Uh, yeah, I know,
but today you seemed...
Linda, why don't you sit down
and have a cup of coffee on us?
- Sure. Thank you, Mr. Bunker.
- Yeah.
Well, so, uh, what?
Oh, and how's business?
You know the laundries.
Always cleaning up.
Oh, hey, hey.
She's got a sense of humor, huh?
- Ain't that great, Fred?
- It's wonderful.
- Yeah. Well, go on.
- Get some coffee.
- Hey, Archie.
- Yeah?
- Get back in there, will you?
- Will you let me handle this?
I told you, go out and buy
the dirty magazines.
- I don't want no part of this.
- Oh, come on.
- Hi, Linda.
- Oh, hiya, Steph.
Are you going skating Saturday?
No, I'm going tonight.
What's this? What's this?
Linda, you enjoy skating?
Yeah, it's my favorite sport.
Whoa, well, ain't that nice?
You know, I think here
Fred enjoys skating,
don't you, Fred?
Why, I try a little
of everything.
Stay on your skates.
You know, an idea just
come into my head here.
Why don't the two of you
take Stephanie
down to the roller rink
tonight, huh?
Uh-uh, but, Uncle Archie...
I can't let her go by herself,
you know, and I ain't
good on skates.
- But, Uncle Archie...
- I'll tell you what, Fred,
you take the night off
and I'll spring
for the admissions
for all of youse.
- Sure, why not?
- Hey, ain't that nice?
- What do you say, Linda?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- I'd love the company.
- Archie:
Well, then it's all settled.
- But, Uncle Archie...
Youse two got a date.
What I mean to say is that
youse three got a date, huh?
You know I have
a piano lesson tonight.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot, too bad.
But hey, hey,
never let it be said,
I'm on to welch on an offer...
But the kid can't go,
but youse two can go.
Here's the $10, Fred.
I can't believe this.
I'll meet you
at the rink at 8:00.
I'll be there.
Thanks, boss.
Oh, don't mention it,
don't mention it.
Thanks for the coffee,
Mr. Bunker.
Hey, don't mention it,
little girl.
All I want is you
to have a nice time tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
This is the most
ridiculous thing
I have ever seen.
What are... you put
the idea on my head.
Hey, fellas,
I know what you're trying to do,
but it ain't gonna work.
All right, all right.
So long, Tom.
I don't like that guy.
That guy is
a large brother of mine.
Now, Murray, we're doing
the right thing, you know.
- At least we're trying.
- Not we, you.
And I'm telling you,
you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him drink.
Yeah, I know, but then...
drinking ain't
what I had in mind.
All right, okay.
Here's that sugar we ain't got.
- I'm putting it over here, in here.
- -Okay.
Hey, Fred, what are you
doing in early?
You know you don't go
on a payroll until 11:00.
He's doing his homework.
I can see that,
but homework is for home.
I haven't been home.
Where have you been?
I believe that is his business.
Hey, I believe it's also mine.
I got $10 invested in this.
Well, maybe he spent
the night at Linda's.
Doing what?
- What?
- You heard him.
Can you do that all night?
We were just talking,
Mr. Bunker.
Did she talk into something
or talk you out of something?
Murray, why be dirty, huh?
Linda and I
became friends.
Nothing happened?
Nothing that should
interest you.
Something happened?
Jesus, will you guys
just lay off of him?
He don't kiss and tell,
do you, Fred?
No,
and I don't do anything else
and tell.
What did he mean by that?
Stuff a sock in it, will you?
Come on. We got to go over
the menu for tonight.
Wait a minute.-
I don't know what
he's saying, but I never
like the sound of it.
Come on.
Don't be shoving me, will you?
Okay. Listen to me.
Tonight, we're gonna have
little tuna pies
and pork chops,
and baked halibut,
and green beans, and broccoli,
and... you are cutting off
the blood supply to my fingers.
All right. Sorry.
I was just trying
to find out in there
if any nasties was going on.
Just stick to the menu, okay?
Okay, I'm also making coleslaw
and my regular green salad.
The soup is gonna be
tomato or chicken rice.
That can wait.
What I'm interested in
is what Linda and Fred
done last night.
Do you hear me?
Yes, I hear you.
They can hear you
in Time Square.
What did you expect him to do?
Not that.
What?
You... The fun things
that you ain't supposed to do
until after you're married,
you know what I mean?
The only fun thing
I've done after I got married
was get a divorce.
And for lunch,
we're having stuffed cabbage
and chicken salad.
Also, we got the ham leftover
from yesterday.
Ain't anybody
surprised about this?
Yeah, I thought the ham
wouldn't last.
How could that kid,
nephew of yours, Fred,
change so fast?
Maybe there was a full moon.
I got work to do, Archie.
I got to take leftover turkey
and turn it into chicken salad.
I ain't satisfied with this.
I'm telling you,
I ain't satisfied.
No, no, no.
Now, Murray,
you got to help me with this.
This ain't good.
Why can't you be happy, huh?
You know, yesterday
you were dying for Fred
to have a relationship
with that girl.
Murray, a relationship
is supposed to begin
with the preliminaries
not the main event.
You know what I mean?
Relationship,
you're supposed to hold hands,
you know, not touch feet.
I ain't so sure
anything happened.
He still looks the same to me.
- Hi, everyone.
- -Hey, Linda from the laundry, hi.
Hello.
Oh, I wanna thank you,
Mr. Bunker.
I had a wonderful time
last night.
Well, you told me
you like skating.
Oh, we didn't go,
changed our minds.
You didn't go skating on my $10?
No, just talked.
Talked... do you...
do you like, Fred?
Yeah.
I like Fred very much,
don't you?
Oh, yeah, he's like
a daughter to me...
We had a swell time.
Fred is a terrific talker.
I remember the best times
of my life
were talking through the night
with someone you like.
Murray, you're a liar.
Now, Linda,
what are you trying
to tell me that... was it...
Was it nothing but talk?
No, not nothing.
That means something, huh?
Yeah, I gave him some coffee.
Uh, anything else?
Sure, twice.
Twice?
They're young.
Murray, you ain't helping me
over here, you know.
Twice?
Yeah, the first time
with apple cake
and the second time
with bacon and eggs.
I got to go.
See you next delivery,
and give Fred my love.
Yeah, yeah, sure,
Linda, I'll do that.
This is terrible.
It's just terrible.
Why? Why terrible?
This is terrible because
I set the whole damn thing up.
Whatever happened to getting
to know each other, huh?
I mean whatever
happened to the boy
bringing over the box
of Fanny Farmer's chocolates,
you know,
and being friends before
doing everything?
You know, like with your wife.
My wife and I were doing
everything for years
and we were never friends.
Hey, hey, here he comes.
Oh, geez, here he comes.
What do you call
a guy like that?
What you call Pete Rose.
- Pete Rose?
- A switch-hitter.
What's that, Fred?
It's my formal resignation
and the $10 we didn't use.
What?
I'm going to leave.
Fred, there is no reason
for you to leave.
That's not the way
you felt last night.
Oh, yes, it is.
Hey, Fred,
Murray is on your side.
Wait a minute, not just Murray,
me too, you know.
Hey, no, Fred,
you don't have to leave
because last night,
you know,
there was a full moon.
Yes, I do, Mr. Bunker.
I'm different.
You're not ready for different.
Well, wait a minute there, kid.
Maybe you ain't so different.
What about Linda?
Yeah, oh, I got to talk to you
about Linda, Fred.
I had fun with Linda,
but I've had fun
with lots of girls.
I am what I am
and it is different.
I know what this is, you know.
It's Tom, huh?
It's what Tom
said about him yesterday.
Oh, gee, Fred does not know
what Tom said about him.
Sure, I do.
I've known Tom for a long time,
he used to hang out at that
place I worked in Flushing.
You see, I never liked him.
He can't forgive me for that.
You mean Tom is in the closet?
That's right.
In a dirty old closet,
it is, too.
I'll finish out the week,
Mr. Klein.
Wait now, Freddy, yesterday
Tom had the nerve to
call you a fruit.
Now, why don't you
tell us about him?
Would you have believed me?
In a situation like that...
you can't win.
Tom...
- a large brother.
- A large brother.
I don't believe it.
- I do.
- So do I.
Maybe we ought to refuse
his resignation.
I think so.
How can you refuse?
He don't wanna work here,
he said so.
You can't force the kid,
you know.
The days of sl*very
is unfortunately over.
I'd say I wish you hadn't
started this whole thing.
Oh, geez, so do I.
Well, still, in all,
it was a good idea,
I just shouldn't have tried
to push him
and Linda together, you know.
I should've just tried
the other thing,
but you wouldn't help me.
Help?
Help, how?
No.
Wait now, what did you ask me
to do that I wouldn't do?
You refused to go out
and buy them dirty magazines.
Well, that's the truth,
ain't it?
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