02x11 - A Coffin Too Frequent

[bunniefuu]

Time for bed.

- Good night, fellas.
- Good night, Davy.

- Good night, Mike.
- Good night, Peter.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- We're in the wrong bed.
- We're in the wrong beds?

Well, come on.
Let's change. Hold it.

Get your bearings.
Get your bearings.

Ah!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Did one of us just get in?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Huh. Well, at least we know whoever,
it has a sense of humor.

I don't know what
you're worried about.

There's only one person
that could be, uh,

you know, down there at
this time of night.

Who's that?

A burglar.

Right. That's true.
Perfect.

Okay.

There's a burglar!

Ah! Burga-burga-burga, wah,
wah, burga! Wait a minute!

Hold it. Hold it.

Yes, Elmer, tonight. Tonight,
you will make me rich and famous.

Ha ha! Yes, Elmer.

In death, you will do for me what
you have never done in life.

- Achoo!
- Peter!

What are you boys doing here?
It's almost twelve o'clock.

I didn't realize it was so late.

You've got just three minutes to get
out of here before the guests arrive.

Oh, we'll be out in two and a half.
Right away. We're leaving.

- Bye now.
- Later.

Oh, help me.

Who is Elmer?

Hey. Wait a minute.

A minute's too long.
You can have thirty seconds.

This is our house.

You agreed to be out of here by
twelve o'clock. It's in the lease.

Oh, come on, man. Where does
it say that in the lease?

It's in the small print.

He's right. Here it is:
"The tenants agree to vacate

the premises from midnight
to sunrise." And here's the date.

Hey, I didn't know you could read.

I've been able to read since
I was fifteen years old.

Well? Well?

Well, I guess that does it, huh?
Have fun with Elmer.

If he wants to leave, I guess we-

Oh, you are not leaving, are you?

Well, yeah, as a matter
of fact, we were-

Oh, no, you can't leave.
You've got to be witnesses.

Witnesses to what?

Elmer's return from the dead.

Blech!

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

The Monkees brought
to you by Kellogg's

K-E double L, O double good,

Kellogg's best to you

Uh!

Uh, yeah. Well, look, uh, give,
uh, Elmer buddy our regards,

and we'll catch you the next
time around, okay? Let's split.

Don't be disrespectful to
those who have passed beyond.

It's not the passing beyond that

bothers us so much.
It's the coming back.

Oh, we were just going out
for a sandwich. Weren't we?

Sandwich, right!

If that's all.

Has it got butter on it?

I have to get a cup of coffee.

Coffee, right!

Ah, ah, ah.

Well, I was about to go
make a telephone call.

Yeah, a telephone call.

Huh?

- It's for you.
- I'll buy it.

If my Aunt Mildred-mwah-wants
you to witness

Elmer's return, you'll witness it.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, but
we do not witness any returns.

It's against all of our laws.

- Yeah.
- Terrible witnesses.

- And by-laws and club laws.
- "Don't witness nothing."

- No, we're lousy witnesses.
- No witnessing at all.

- Let's split.
- Get out of here.

Later for you.

Ah!

Ah ha ha! We'll witness.
We'll witness. We'll witness.

- We'll w-we'll witness a-anything.
- Sure.

Man, we'll be the best witnesses
that you ever had, boy.

And, so, Mr. Nesmith, you say
you saw the defendant,

Mr. Jones, running away from
the scene of the crime?

Yes, I did. Yes, that's right.

What do you have to say
to that, Mr. Jones?

Yes. I mean, yes. I admit I was
running, but I was running away

from the real m*rder*r:
a man in a robe and a white wig.

Is that man in this courtroom?

Yes, he is. It's the
barrister Dolenz.

Ha, over here.
Uh, over, barrister Dolenz.

No, take it to Micky!

Over here. Right-no. Right here.
Right here. Yes, I admit it.

Ha! It was me, but I was aided
by his courtship, Peter Tork.

Sixty years of service... ruint?

But I won't take the blame alone.

The real brains behind the crime was

the witness: dashing,
debonair Mike Nesmith.

I never should've opened my mouth.

We'll even witness things
that never even happened.

- You tell 'em, Tiny.
- Ah ha ha.

I thought you'd see it my way, heh.

Well, how did Elmer like the trip?

Achoo!

Ooh! Who sneezed?

Ah, Elmer's coming early.

No, Micky; it was just me.

He always sneezes when
he gets nervous, you see.

Nervous nothing. This boy needs tea;
he has a cold. Come with me.

Hm?

- See you later, babe.
- Bye, little old lady.

Get the bags, Boris.

Oh!

Get out of his way.

Well-well, is Elmer
planning on staying?

At dawn his spirit will arrive,
blow the trumpet, and leave.

Oh, really? You mean we don't even
have time to stay for bagels and tea?

W-wait a minute. What trumpet?

Elmer was married with a trumpet.

At dawn, he will blow it
to announce his arrival.

And our departure.

- Woo!
- Bye! Outta sight.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hiya. Huh huh.

Fine figure of a man, isn't he?

He is. Wonder if he got- hey,
you got a sister?

Yeah, we can all three of us
take her out at the same time.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha.

Boris wouldn't like it if you
boys tried to leave.

I mean, after all, we're- love him.
We're gonna help him with his bags.

Yeah, h-h-h-here you go,
Boris. Let me take that.

Sure, right.

You take it, Davy.

What's in the bag?

Boris's lunch.

Gee, are you sure it's right
to force all this tea on me?

Whenever you have a cold,
you must always force fluids.

Gee, I had a cousin once
who had a terrible cold,

and they forced about twelve
gallons of this stuff on him.

Oh, and what happened?

Well, the cold got better,
but he drowned.

h* h* h* h*!

Okay. So, at twelve
o'clock midnight, magically,

the coffin opens and out
pops crazy dead Elmer.

- Really?
- Really?

- Oh, I mean, uh, that is correct.
- Yeah.

See, I am a scientist, and
in order to bring people back

from the dead, I have
invented a magnificent pill.

Oh, come on.
You invented aspirin?

Oh, that's only in disguise.

Aspirin in disguise?
I don't believe it.

Well, I do.
And I also get it.

You see, he gives us the pill,

and we believe that Elmer
came back from the dead.

We'll also see pretty colors,
things climbing up the wall-

Boy, I bet it does a lot of things.

I told you, I am a scientist.

Yeah, I know you told me.

A mad scientist?

No, but I will be if he
keeps making those remarks.

Heh, oh.

Tell me, how does it
feel to be so tall?

Down here. Heh heh.
Oh, hello. A-heh.

I used to do an act with
a tall guy, uh, uh.

W-we used to dance.
"High Low", we'd call it, ah huh.

We had some pretty classy material too.

You see, what'd happen,
ah-ah I'd say "high high",

and he'd say "low, low," you see?
High, high and low, low.

Mm. Mm.

Yeah, that's it, that's it.
High, high, low, low.

See, th-then we'd do a little dance,
a timed step, like this, you see?

That's it. It's great. Then we'd
turn around a little, just a little.

? Tea for two and two for tea ?

Mm.

? Two for tea and you for me ?

Mm.

? You for me, and you for me ?

Mm.

No, no, no. You're out of rhythm.
? One, a two, a three ?

What are you doing? Do not
interfere with my cousin Boris.

I'm not interfering;
we're dancing. Right?

No one else can control Boris.

I have total influence over
his mind. Boris, stop.

- Now, listen, man, you can't-
- Help!

That's Peter!

Come!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Now, you get back in there or
you'll get sick.

Right. Get him out of here.

- Peter, come out.
- What are you doing?

- Come on, Peter.
- My patient!

I never thought I could get sick
in good health.

- Get over here.
- Easy, easy, baby. Easy, there.

Oh. Heavy.

Uh, Mrs. Weatherspoon, I'd like to have
a couple of words with you.

About what?

This is private and confidential
between me and Mrs. Weatherspoon.

You may not speak to her.
I absolutely forbid it.

Oh, now, Henry. These boys are so nice,
and they respond so well to treatment.

These boys are disbelievers.
I cannot be responsible for

what their disbelief might do
to Elmer. It may drive him away.

You know, something? I thought
it before, but I know for sure now.

You're a crook, you are.
He's bad. He's a crook.

How dare you? Boris, get him.

Oh, no, but you're a nice crook.

I like crooks like you.
You're very nice.

Now-

Now, now, now. Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Now, don't get me wrong.

He's a crook, but he's a nice crook.

Ha ha. Very nice, Boris.
Steady, steady, Boris.

Oh, oh. Ah! Oh! Ah, ah! Oh! Look at
that, look at that, look at that.

Mm! Mm!

Beautiful! Ha ha! Wah!
Oh, whoa! Help me! Ah!

Boris, stop that.

Now, if these gentlemen want

to speak to me alone,
you'll have to leave the room.

Very well. You've always driven
me away. Always. Come, Boris.

Whatever they have to say to
each other, I really don't care.

Ooh! Ooh. Ooh, he's big.
He's big.

He's mean. He's mean,
he is. He's very mean.

Don't let him frighten you.

Listen, tell me.
Let's start from the beginning.

Mm-hm.

Now tell me about Elmer and the pill-

Is everything prepared in the
basement, Boris?

Mm.

Don't beat around the bush.
Yes or no?

Mm.

Good. Why didn't you say
so the first time?

Now, let's get one thing straight.
If Elmer returns tonight,

you're gonna give all your money
to Henry's foundation, right?

Right.

It's the only way to protect Mrs.
Weatherspoon's interest, you see?

Um, okay, Henry,
you can come in now.

Now that's what I call
dropping in on somebody.

Now, as I was telling Mrs. Weathersp- Mrs.

W-w-where's Mrs. Weatherspoon?
Excuse me, Boris, will you? Thank you.

I-she was right here a second ago.
I don't know what happened. She-I-she-uh-

- Uh, I'm Davy.
- You're not Mrs. Weatherspoon.

Ow! What did you do that for?

Mrs. Weathersp-

Elmer doesn't like to be
disturbed until he's ready.

We'd love to help you.

And Elmer.

Oh, of course and Elmer.

But you gotta stop hitting
us with your umbrella.

Oh, yes, my umbrella.
Oh, thank you.

You boys are angels, just angels.

Oh, we're not angels. We're-

Now, that's a trip.

Angels, just angels. Oh!

She's a nice little old lady.
You know, I'm not gonna

stand here and let her see
her get her money taken.

Yeah, but if we get in-in Henry's way,
he's gonna sic Boris on us.

Oh, Boris. I wanna take a look
inside that coffin.

Yeah.

I gotta go downstairs
and get my bank book.

Your bank book? What do you-what
do you want your bank book for?

Well, for security.

Ha ha ha! Isn't that dumb?

Now, I think it's gonna be
best to make a frontal attack.

Yes, a frontal attack is what I do best.

Mike, my head is stuck.
It's stuck.

- You ready to go in there?
- I'm ready, baby.

And get that big brute.

I'm gonna sock it to him, baby.
The triple head reverse.

Keep your right up. Keep your right up.
Right. Alright. Keep your left a little low.

Left low, baby.

- And keep your head down.
- Head down.

Keep your head down. Okay.

- I can't see anything.
- Not-not that low.

- Alright, not that low.
- Okay, you're ready? Okay?

Okay, you go in there and give him
your famous triple reverse twist! Go!

Oh, oh, it hurts. My head!

I'll, uh, go see if I can
think up something else.

Oh, my head.

Oh, does your head hurt?

No, no, it's fine. Yes, it hurts. It hurts.

I'll give you my famous
Egyptian head banging cure.

Right, right, right.

- Hold your hands over your eyes.
- Fine. Hands over eyes.

- Now stick out your feet.
- Stick out my feet? Right.

Gah!

I'll bet you've forgotten all
about your head, haven't you?

No more head, doesn't hurt at all!

You will all join hands.

I know why everybody
joins hands at a seance.

To make sure they have contact?

No, 'cause they're scared silly.

In a few moments, Elmer will be amongst us.

You will notice a few elements will
shake and rattle as he draws nearer.

It's probably my teeth.

And now, the trumpet will blow.

You know something in B-flat?
Ha ha ha.

It's Elmer! It's Elmer! Oh!

How do you know it's Elmer?

He's playing our song.

Say something to us, Elmer.
Say something.

I say, Henry, that you are a crook.

Maybe you ought to say something else.

You plan to take this lady's
money and run off to South America.

That is a lie. I do not.

To Europe?

No!

Asia?

No! No!

Well, you should do
something with the money.

You're just gonna sit on it and rot?

Heh heh heh, this is ridiculous.
I mean, the real

Elmer was supposed to rise out
of his coffin and reveal himself to us.

You cheated, Henry.
You tried to cheat the dead.

You must pay, Henry.
You must pay.

No! No! I confess!
I mean, I confess.

Confession is not enough.
Try pleading and begging.

I'm begging. I'm pleading.
Oh, don't come near me.

Okay. Cool it, babe. You don't
have to make a fool of yourself.

Mick, what are you-

You interfering fools!
Boris, seize them!

Sock it to me

Floatin' down the river
with a saturated liver

And I wish I could forgive her
But I do believe she meant it

When she told me to forget it
And I bet she will regret it

When they find me in the
morning wet and drowned

And the word gets 'round

Goin' down
Goin' down

Comin' up for air, it's pretty
stuffy under there there

I'd like to say I didn't care

But I forgot to leave a note
And it's so hard to stay afloat

I'm soakin' wet without a boat

And I knew I should
have taken off my shoes

It's front page news

Goin' down
Goin' down

Hey, hey
Hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

I wish I had another drink
It wouldn't be so hard to sink

I should have taken time to think
Besides I got the picture straight

She must have had another date
I didn't need this extra weight

I wish that I could
see the way to shore

I don't want no more

Goin' down, I'm goin' down

And now I see the life I led
I slept it all away in bed

I should have learned
how to swim instead

And now it's really got me stumped

I can't believe I really jumped
I'd like to get my tummy pumped

I can't believe they drink
this stuff in town

This dirty brown, goin' down

Goin' down, Goin' down
I'm goin' down

Hey, hey
I'm down

I Goin' home

Now the sky is gettin' light

An everythng will be all right

Think I finally got the knack

Just floatin' here lazy on my back

I never really liked that town

I think I'll ride the river down

Just movin' slow and floatin' free

There's a river
swinging under me

Waving back to the
folks on shore

I should have thought
of this before

I'm floatin' on down
to New Orleans

And pick up on some
swingin' scenes

I'm gonna know a better day

I'm goin' down groovin'
all the way

Goin' down
Go-go-go-in' down

I'm goin' down, back, back, back
I'm goin' back, back, back home

I'm go-goin' home,
hey, hey, hey, hey

Goin' on down, hey, hey, hey, hey

Oh. Thank you, boys.

It was a pleasure, Ms. Weatherspoon.

Oh, thank you.

Bye.

Bye, Ms. Weatherspoon.

Bye. Too-too.

There's a nail on the floor.
The door can only open so far.

It was really great of you to
help that old lady out that way.

- Stop.
- Totally nuts.

Hello? Yeah, he's here. Oh, really?
Hey, Micky, it's the Boy Scouts.

They want to offer you an
officer's commission.

You know, you really handled
that whole thing well.

I mean, the way you played the
trumpets and everything. It's groovy.

Yeah, I didn't-yeah, I didn't
know you could play the horn, man.

You ought to do it with a group.

- I don't play the trumpet.
- Huh?

It's the coffin!

Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings

Of the bluebird as she sings

The six o'clock alarm
would never ring

But it rings, and I rise

Wipe the sleep out of my eyes

My shavin'razor's
cold and it stings

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

You once thought of me

As a white knight on his steed

Now, you know
how happy I can be

Whoa, and our good
times start and end

Without dollar one to spend

But how much, baby,
do we really need

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean to a

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free