02x06 - I Was a 99-Pound Weakling

[bunniefuu]

You know, physical beauty
isn't enough.

I-I guess that's why I fell
in love with you, Brenda;

I wanted a girl with
some intelligence.

Yeah, intelligence.

Yeah.

Yeah. Hey! Ah!

How you doing, chick? Hey,
haven't we met somewhere before?

Yeah, before.

Hi there.
Uh, hi there, huge fella.

My name is Micky Dolenz.
Very glad to...

me-meet you.

Do you realize that I've put on
two inches since I've seen you last?

Right on those old biceps.
Look at that. Huh.

Yeah, biceps.

Hi there, huge fella, again.

Hi, I'm Micky, I'd like to-

"Shah-Ku's Health and Strength".

So, I figure if I train constantly,
I'd get my chest up with the forearms,

you see, up to the
size of my chest.

And then-beat it, skinny.

Uh! I can't tear it.
I couldn't be that weak!

I can't tear this card!

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

You see how disastrous it can be to walk
around this world without any strength.

Oh! Sorry.

Betraying one's own body and becoming
an absolute and utter physical wreck.

I may not be in very good shape,
but I'm no weakling.

Must I resort to calling you
skinny to remind you?

Don't say that.

First, I will give
you the rope test.

The rope.

Hm? Oh, the rope? You want me to
climb the rope? Sure, I can climb the rope.

I'm a little bit stronger
than you think I am.

Ha ha.

Ha ha. Ha ha.

It's this rope; it's greased!

You see how the mind can make adjustments
to things we don't want to admit to?

My mind? My-

Next, the pulleys.

Pulleys. Watch this.
I'll show you who's weak.

A ha ha. Ah, got it! How do
you like that, huh?

How do you like that?

Uh, could you, uh,
help-help me out of this, please?

Ow! Ow! Uh, no, no, y-you're
bending it the wrong way.

Finally, the weights.

Gah! Oh! Oh! Ha.

I can get that so easy.

Aha! Aha!

I got it, see?
Ha ha. I got it.

I got-look out! Look out!
I-I-I got it up.

That's right.

Oh! I got it up.
I got it. I got it.

My shoulder now, it's on my shoulder.
Ah, it's on my neck.

It's not on my shoulder anymore.

It's, it's on my neck.
I think I'm stuck. Oh!

You'd better sign up for
my complete health plan.

That includes books,
membership, and twice a year,

we throw in a field trip to Turkish bath.

How much is all that?

For you, because you're so weak, I'm gonna

make a special deal:
a hundred and fifty bucks.

Where am I gonna get a
hundred and fifty bucks, man?

I'm a-an unemployed drummer.

Money is no object.
Hock your drums,

bring back the money, and, uh,
we can sign the contract.

Micky, what are you doing?
This is going to break up the group.

Yeah.

I'm not going to break up the group.

I'm going to keep my drumsticks;
I can play your tambourine.

Oh, that's very funny.

Oh. Yeah, Micky, but is it worth it,
for-all just for one girl?

Yeah, she's beautiful and
brilliant and intelligent.

Yeah, intelligent.

Don't do that.

Look, we have no money, and if
you do hock your drums,

we co-we should use it on food.

Yeah, and besides, if you want
to get really big and strong,

we'll help you train.

See, for very little money, you
can buy equipment that's the

same as a body building course worth
thousands and thousands of dollars,

and then you don't have
to hock your drums

or your sneakers or anything.

I wish Mike were here.

You know, when I used
to work with horses,

I always used to come in after
a ride and then do this.

It helps relax the muscles
in your back. Here you are.

Micky, you come and try it.
Uh, Micky? Micky, I'm stuck!

- Huh?
- I'm stuck.

Stuck? Peter! He's stuck. On the couch.
Put him on the couch. Easy. Easy. Easy.

Um, stuck, uh-

I wish Mike was here.

Running is the best form of exercise.

It uses every part of the body,
in the most natural way.

Hey, Micky, 'cause y-'cause you've
been in such good health,

and you've been keeping your training up
and everything, we got you a surprise.

Uh. It's Brenda! Brenda!

Go on, Micky.
Go on, man. Go on.

I'm strong again. I'm strong.
I've been working out.

Much stronger than that big,
huge man on the, on the beach.

I'll show ya how st-how strong I am.
Look, feel it.

Yeah, stronger.

Really, feel, feel.
No, not so much.

Good morning!

What's so good about it?

Early to bed and early to rise!

I wish Mike were here.

Well, I think I'm ready now.

I'm going down on the beach and
get even with that guy.

You don't want to get even, man.

But he called me skinny. Isn't that the
most ridiculous thing you ever heard of?

I guess it's not so
ridiculous, is it? Hm.

Man, you don't want to get
strong just to hurt somebody.

Micky, it's so unnecessary
to hit anybody.

Yeah, you're right.
How about if I kick him?

No, don't do that.

- Uh, biting?
- No. No.

How am I going to see Brenda
with this guy on the beach?

Look, don't worry. We'll get you to
see Brenda without any kind of violence.

Just a little, um, underhanded...

Oh, right.

Hey, you, stand up.

- Who, me?
- Yeah, you. Stand up.

Mm!
Step over that line.

Step over that line.

Alright, step over this line.

Okay, now what?

Just as I thought: you're
always taking orders. Nah!

Hi, chick.

Did I hear somebody yell for help?
Did I hear somebody yell for help?

No.

What do you mean, no? Look at that
man's back; it's covered with spots.

Uh! Help.

Thank you. I'm a doctor,
in case you hadn't noticed.

Oh my goodness! I hope I'm in not in time.
I mean, I hope I'm in time.

What's the matter, Doc?

I've never seen a body in such
an advanced state of decomposition.

Let me see your back.
Not your back, dear.

To each his own.

Well, doc, w-what's the trouble?

It's covered with splotches; it actually
looks as though somebody had painted it.

Yeah, paint.

Now, don't panic; modern
science can do wonders. Inhale.

Hold your breath. Hold your breath.
Hold your breath. Hold on to it.

Longer. Longer. That's it.
Hold onto it. Hold your breath. Longer.

Hold your breath. Hold your
breath more. Hold on. That's it, more.

Hold your breath.
No, h*-hold it longer.

Is that any way to treat a doctor?

Cross your knees.
No, not you.

Don't do that.

Ay!

Listen, doctor,
I'm as strong as an ox.

Oh, well, that's alright.
This disease will sap you of strength.

In ten minutes, you'll be as
weak as a spineless jellyfish.

If there's anybody you want to beat up,
I suggest you do it straight off.

That'll be ten dollars.

Ten dollars?

Well, you know, the cost of science goes up.
It-uh, I'll send you a bill.

Hey, mister, could you
throw us back our ball?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooh. Ay! Oof,
I can hardly lift it!

Shouldn't think he could.
Lead, you know. Ooh!

I can't have lost my strength.
Without my strength, I'm nothing.

Yeah, nothing.

Hey, mister, mister, will
you please hold my kite,

please, while I go get
a popsicle. Ahh.

I hope this kid doesn't-whoa!

Help! Whoa, whoa!
Whoa! He-help! Whoa!

Well, there he goes.

Oh!

Yeah, where's that, uh, diri...
diri... blimp headed for?

Bayonne, New Jersey.

Bayo-Bayonne, New J-You know, I used to
have a girlfriend in Bayonne, New Jersey.

Anything like the Secaucus girl?

No, I don't know.
Her name was Mary Ann.

And then he just floated away.

Well, that's no good. Brenda digs
muscles, and I just don't have any.

Hey, we took care of that.
Don't worry.

Huh?

Here you go, son.
Put your arms through there.

Put your jacket on here.
Here we go.

- This better be a good idea!
- Oh, you'll look great. Don't worry.

I can't get my arm in.

Up there, 'round the back.
There we go.

Now, this is your sportswear,
casual beach attire.

This is casual?

Well, just a minute.
That's as casual as you can get.

- That's casual?
- Yeah. It's casual.

- Don't get lost, man. Careful.
- Look at those muscles, man.

This stuff, does it look real?

Whoa, it looks real real. Very real.
Pull your sleeves up. That's it. That's it.

- Alright, guys. Ready?
- Beautiful. Take a deep breath.

Hi, Brenda.
How are you?

No, deeper, deeper, deeper.

Hi, Brenda. Deeper?
Hi, Brenda. Hi.

Beautiful.

Hi there, Brenda.

Fancy meeting you
here by the, uh, ocean.

I'm, uh-notice I'm a little bit
stronger, better, bigger than king size?

Yeah, bigger.

Hm. I've been, uh, working out.

Hey, listen. There's nothing
wrong with me.

There's a big, huge fella here.
How are ya?

I, uh, I've been working
out a little bit, and-ah!

So, Mr. Dolenz, we meet again.

Yeah, again.

Is this your self-training program?
Maybe, this time you'll believe me.

I'm a believer,
I'm a believer, already.

Did he sign that contract
with Shah-Ku?

No, I think he's just going to
do it on a week-to-week basis.

Oh, that's not bad.

Just for half a week.

Oh. Hey, Micky, you haven't eaten
in two days, man; you look really bad.

I gotta fast to purify my tissues.

Yeah, if your tissues get any purer,
man, you're gonna... fall over.

- Micky!
- Micky!

No, I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm going to join Weaklings
Anonymous tonight at Shah-Ku's.

I'm going to call that Shah-Ku guy.

Mm-hm?

And I'm awfully worried about him,
Mr. Shah-Ku. He's falling down from hunger.

You have a very deep voice
for a mother, Mrs. Dolenz.

I'm not Mrs. Dolenz.

Oh. Micky came from a broken home?
In that case, lead him into stage two.

Give him a little green rice
and that will fix him up.

Tonight, I shall pick up
Mr. Dolenz, then after

we've had him sign the contract,
he'll hock his drums.

Hey, Micky, where's the steak?

Steak, is in the garbage,
where it should be.

That's no place to serve steak.

Steak has fat.
Fat clogs your veins.

Davy, that's probably why you're so short;
your veins are all clogged.

So what we're going to eat now you
put the steak in the garbage?

Ah! The essence of a healthful cuisine.
Voilà! Fried fermented goat

milk curd burned in a dash of lemon
seed oil to a crisp, golden green.

Do you think we can save the steak?

Let's try.

And after that fellas, I will
further tempt your tastebuds

with scraped mountain moss au gratin
with a special peanut shell base.

You made the peanut shell base yourself?

Of course, he did you twit; you
can't get a thing like that in cans.

Delicioso.

I'm so glad Mike isn't here.

You guys sure didn't
eat much dinner.

Do we k*ll him now or later?

Does hunger justify m*rder?

Oh, man, they'd never convict
you if they tasted that.

It is I, Shah-Ku.

And that's the second one
we're going to k*ll.

I know why you can't make progress
in such a place. Look at it, the stuffiness.

How could you live and breathe
in such an atmosphere?

How could you be poisoned
in such an environment?

Look at you.
Just look at you!

Wha-what?

The two of you huddled in the corner.
Just look. And look at him.

Yes, look at him. He's-he's dead.
How can the system survive in such a place?

We do alright, you know.
It's, uh-

Dolenz.

Ah!

Dolenz. I thought you were
the weakest person I'd ever met,

but at least you had the
strength to admit it.

You, too, if you stand up,
you may join us.

I am standing up.

Hm! No wonder you're so short,
putting all that impurity into your system.

I think he was born that way.

Oh? Mr. Dolenz, Come with me.

When your friends have seen the
marvelous results, they too will join us.

Hey, Peter, where have you been?

Oh, I-hey, who was that that
just left with Micky?

That was Mr. Shah-Ku.
Do you know him?

Well, no, but I just saw
him at the corner.

He was, uh, getting a, you know,

a soda b-uh, and a hot dog and,
uh, some chili.

People who come to
Weaklings Anonymous

find the ultimate strength
at a modest price.

- Eating hot dogs!
- Oh, I was hungry, man.

It is truly written that the
coward dies a thousand deaths.

The brave man...
only five hundred or so.

Eating hot dogs.

- I was hungry.
- You still owe me a quarter.

I'll pay you back when
I-when I see you.

The weak are strong. The strong are meek.
Weakness is strength. The strong are meek.

The weak are strong!

The strong are weak!

The strong are weak!

Weakness is strength.
The strong are meek.

[unintelligible]

Listen, man, will you stop
picking on me? I was hungry.

Sign the contract.

Well, uh-

Have no fear of embarrassment,
Mr. Dolenz; it's a lightweight pen.

Well, no, it wasn't that. Um,
I feel-I d-I don't feel like a weakling.

Right. It's always that in the beginning.

Soon, you will feel free to
admit to being a loser.

Ha, I'll be a loser. Huh?

Eating hot dogs.

Well, I was hungry.

You still owe me a quarter.

I can't help it, man. Didn't
have the money to get the hot dog.

You still owe me a quarter, Peter.

I'll give it to you when
I get paid next Thursday.

Peter. Oh, Peter, you've
got it the wrong way on.

Turn it, turn it 'round. Okay.
Put your top up. Let's go.

I'll tell you why you must join us.

I will call on members of our group to

tell us of the effect
we've had on their lives.

Will one of you weaklings
please speak up and

tell this uncertain boy
of how we've helped you?

Uh, I was, uh, being driven to
the outskirts of town.

It was raining and thunderstorm, and this

taxi driver took me to
the outskirts of town,

and he stopped in the middle of the
rainstorm and said, "Get out of my cab".

And, uh, then what did you do?

Then I gave it to him.

You gave it to him.
What did you give to him?

I gave him a quarter.

You gave him a quarter.

Next testimonial, please.
Come on now. Here we are.

Um, before I came to Shah-Ku's,
I-I used to be six foot two-

Next testimonial, please!

And then, uh, he put so much weight
on my shoulders that he squashed me.

Next testimonial, please.

Before I joined, uh, Weaklings Anonymous,

I was a weakling, and bullies
picked on me all the time.

Now that I'm a big man, no one-nobody

would pick on me.
One of you guys pick one me.

Next testimonial please.

Wait! Wait! I will tell
you. I will show you.

I, Shah-Ku, will show you with
a test of my own strength. Hurry up.

Oh, that's strong. Oh, that's-

Yes, sir. May I appeal to you,
and show you that I, I, Shah-Ku, is-

It's him! It's him! He's the-he's
the man on the beach! It's him!

It's the man-the man-the
body-he's the man on the beach!

Shah-Ku's a phony! Shah-Ku
??? Shah-Ku ???

She owns and operates
Her own sunshine factory

Of painting smiles on dolls
And then on me

She's my sunny girlfriend
And personality.

Well, she's got a book
That tells about ev'rybody's past

And she can make you slow
While making your mind move fast

She's my sunny girlfriend
And she is never last.

Oh, while I am sleeping

Then she comes creeping

Into my thoughts at night

Gazing down through eyes

As bright as wonder.

She can send you on your way
To ev'rywhere

She's only started
After you think that she is there.

Well, she's my sunny girlfriend,
And she just doesn't care.

Yes, she's my sunny girlfriend,
She doesn't really care.

What are you doing?

I'm developing the muscles in my inner
chest to eliminate the necessity of breathing.

Yeah, breathing.

Hey! What are you doing?
Ha! En garde!

I'm reading. It's
Remembrance of Things Past,

Volume Three by Marcel Proust.

Ooh, I just love a man with a mind.

Huh?

Yeah, mind.

Huh?

Oh, no, wait. He, he doesn't
even-she-she wants his mind.

Uh, no, that's not what-uh, I have a mind.
No, I don't have a mind; I lost mine.

I have a body though. I don't even
have a body. I'm-and I'm hurt.

She looked at me

And the emptiness in her
eyes was cruel to see

Then she turned
away and said,

"Once I loved, but love is dead"

And I whispered,
"Sometimes love is only sleeping"

She said, "I cannot cry

And I cannot give or feel or even try"

And her voice
was hard and cold

Then her sweet
young face looked old

And I whispered,
"Sometimes love is only sleeping"

Through the endless
days and nights

Could not help but wrap
herself in sorrow [sorrow]

Through the endless
days and nights

She waited for a
shiny new tomorrow

Love was sleeping, sleeping

She looked at me

And her smiling tears were
warm and sweet and free

And the moonlight
kissed her eyes

As it mingled with our sighs

And she whispered,
"Sometimes love is only sleeping"

And she whispered,
"Sometimes love is only sleeping"

"Only sleeping"

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free