01x32 - Monkees on Tour

[bunniefuu]

Good move.

Hey, my checkers!
Hey, this sand is hot!

Ah, ooh, oh, ee!

It's not so hot. Ooh, ow, ooh, ah!
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ee, ah!

Ooh, hot!

Look, Philo! Typical teenagers
doing a typical new dance step.

How would they be as extras
in my new beach movie?

And remember, I don't like yes men.

- I don't like 'em.
- Who asked you?!

Boys, say hello to Luther Kramm.

Mr. Kramm gave you
Beach Party Honeymoon.

You didn't give it to us;
we had to pay for it.

Yeah, it costs us eighty
cents at the drive-in.

Well, it was worth it, wasn't it?

Um... you owe me sixty cents.

How'd you teenagers like to
appear as extras in my new picture?

I don't think we'd be
interested in a beach movie.

This isn't just another beach movie.
This is a cinema landmark!

It's about sadness,
and pain, and cruelty:

all the things that
make life worthwhile.

Nope, definitely not.

Nope, no way. Sorry.
Not a chance.

No. Not a chance.

It pays thirty dollars a day.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Here we are in the land of
make believe. Look at that rock;

it's a phony rock.
Look at that fish; it's a phony fish.

Look at that girl.
Oh yeah.

Alright. Alright.
Quiet on the set.

Today, we begin
sh**ting my greatest film:

I Married a Creature from out of Town.

It's a message picture,
and the message is:

if we don't finish it in
ten days, we're in trouble.

And now, I want you to meet
the star of our film,

that teenage idol and undisputed
king of the drive-ins:

Frankie Catalina.

Hey, why don't you watch where you're going?
You know, you can be replaced.

Now, let's make a picture that teenagers
will watch, even in a drive-in.

Well, looks like another
hit for Luther Kramm.

That Frankie Catalina is terrific.
You know, he's so versatile.

He is? He doesn't sing, does he?

No, we dub in his voice.

What about his surfing?

No, he's afraid of the water.

He gets his way with women?

No, uh, girls make him
break out in a rash, actually.

Well, why is he so popular?

Are you kidding?
He's a perfect teenager.

Alright. Get ready for
the volleyball scene.

Hey, listen. This time, will
you be sure to get my good side?

Alright, ready on the set.
This is a take. Remember,

Frankie, in this scene, the
Kessler sisters are watching you,

and you want to make an impression,

so you dominate the game. Right?
Okay. Roll 'em and action.

Hey! Hey! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Cut!

Hold it! That was my
ball, and he hit it.

Hold it!

I was just trying to
keep the ball in play.

Yeah, well, listen,
I'm the star, kid.

Calm yourself, Frankie.

How can I calm down?
I know when I'm being upstaged.

I want this kid off the set.

He was only trying to get the ball...

...man, he didn't know what...

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Just who do you think you guys are?
You with your stupid expressions.

You with that, uh, that, that,
silly green bonnet. And you.

A scarecrow in shorts.
Just remember, you guys,

you're dime a dozen extras,
and I'm a star.

Do you got change for dime?

Yeah.

He has no right to act that way.
Who does he think he is?

No longer shall we suffer the slings
and arrows of outrageous Catalina.

On the morrow, we will show that popinjay
he doth abused The Monkees at his own peril.

What does that mean?

It means The Monkees strike back.

? Beautiful doll,
you great, big beautiful doll ?

Hey, makeup!

Come on, Frankie.
We're ready to roll.

Where is he?
Where-Kramm! Kramm!

Okay, now, Frankie, in this scene,
you meet Tina at her cabana.

Cue cards ready?
Alright. Camera. Action.

I'm crazy about you, baby,
and you know you're nuts about me too.

Now, why don't you say
those three little words?

You know the ones I mean.

You're under arrest.
"You're under arrest?!"

Cut! What's going on here?

It must be a real thrill to
work with Frankie Catalina.

Oh, it is. It is, yeah.
He's an inspiration to all us teenagers.

Especially the way
he's lived down his past.

Past? What past?

Oh, it's nothing you could
write about, really.

He's the sort of guy that would
take money out of his own pocket,

lend it to an extra he hardly knew,

take them out to dinner,
offer to share his apartment.

He did that for you?

No, my sister.

Now, Frankie, in the beauty contest scene,
you sing the movie's big song.

Remember to move your lips in
sync with the record. Ready?

Okay. Camera. Action.

? I got it bad for
the new girl in school ?

? The guys are flipping,
but I'm playing it cool ?

? Everybody's passing
notes in the class ?

? They pick up books,
now, she's such a gas ?

? Whoa! Doo ron, day ron ?
? Doo ron, day ron, day ron ?

? Doo ron, day ron ?
? Doo ron, day ron, day ron ?

? Doo ron, day ron ?
? I got it bad, papa ?

? Doo ron, day ron ?

? The chicks are jealous of
the new girl at school ?

? They put her down and
they treat her so cruel ?

Cut!

? But the guys are
going out of their mind ?

? But she's the finest
girl you'll ever find ?

Cut!

? Whoa! Doo ron, day ron ?
? Doo ron, day ron, day ron ?

? Doo ron, day ron ?

Cut!

? Doo ron, day ron ?
? I got it bad, papa ?

Cut! Cut!

Yesterday was the most
horrible day of my life.

Easy, baby. Easy.
Wait 'til you see the footage on

the party scene; you were
beautiful, but beautiful!

Uh, foll the rim.
Uh, roll the film.

Walk out
Girl don't you walk out

We've got things to say

Talked out, let's have it talked out
Things will be okay

Girl
I don't want to find

That I'm a little bit wrong

And you're a little bit right

I said girl

You know that it's true

It's a little bit me
[a little bit me]

It's a little bit you too

Don't know just what I said wrong

But girl I apologize

Don't go here's where you belong
So wipe the tears from your eyes

Girl
I don't want to find

That I'm a little bit wrong

And you're a little bit right

I said girl
You know that it's true

It's a little bit me
[a little bit me]

It's a little bit you too

It's a conspiracy, and
you're part of it, Kramm!

Oh, no, beauty, don't say that.

I knew you resented me, but I
never thought you'd go this far.

Ruining the film and my
beautiful million dollar image.

Frankie, you're overwrought.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't
have to put up with it.

I'm walking out on my contract.

I can do a mystery at Mammoth Studios.

Mammoth Studios has been
out of business for years.

That must be the mystery.

You know, it's gonna be tough
to replace a man like Frankie.

After all, where do you find a
guy that can't sing, act, or surf?

You could go out for the part, Davy.

You must be joking.

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

Don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

'Cause I'm leavin' in the morning
And I must see you again

We'll have one more night together
'Til the morning brings my train

And I must go, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville

I'll be waiting at the station

We'll have time for coffee flavored kisses
And a bit of conversation

Oh... Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

Take the last train to Clarksville
Now I must hang up the phone

I can't hear you in this noisy
Railroad station all alone

I'm feelin' low, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

Don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

What a ???-a grown man
hiding in the bedroom.

Look, I'm telling you:
I don't want to be a star.

Okay, nobody's forcing you to be a star.
One of us will be a star.

- Great!
- Oh, me!

Down, Peter. The fair thing we
should do is, uh, a-huh, draw straws.

Okay, everybody:
draw straws.

Oh, Davy, you drew the short straw.

That's the story of my life.

Hey, here he comes.
Let's get ready.

Johnny Jerome? Buddy Benson?
Robby Rafelson?

Well, what do you want? I've offered
you my Lovin' Spoonful collection,

my Bobby Dylan records, my
Blind Lemon Jefferson records,

and this prize of my collection,
Bobby Darin Sings his Bank Book.

Throw in The Stones.

Okay.

Let me see that.
"Davy Jones Sings."

Dolenz, Reporter.

Nesmith, Variety.

I'm Tork, hanger-on.

What the industry wants to know, Kramm,
is who'll be replacing Frankie Catalina?

After all, you are the greatest
judge of acting talent in Hollywood,

and you know your own mind.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm thinking
of using Terry Bishop.

That no talent-

He's no Davy Jones.

Or, uh, perhaps Tony Davenport.

A teenage failure!
He's made so many B-pictures,

he's getting fan mail from hornets.

And he's no Davy Jones, either.

How about Billy Tobias?

Well.

I don't know, he looks
a little like Davy Jones.

Hey, here's something. Freddie Freeman:
I've seen all his movies.

I don't know; he's no Davy Jones.

Shh. He just turned on his radio.

Brewster Benton, Benton Brewster,
Brewster Bentley.

Okay, bunch, we've had our lunch,
now get out of your bunk and get our junk.

It's the Crazy Micky the D Show on W

Go-Go-Go with the big beat
sound of your top five records.

Rudy Kirk, Kirk Nolan.

Moving up the charts this week
at the super all-American hits-

Rip Shirt?

number three, three, three, three.

It's Davy Jones singing
"Teardrops in the Playground".

? I really love you ?
? I really love you ?

? I really love you Really love you ?
? I really love you, babe ?

? Really, I love you ?

And now number sixty-eight and slowly moving
up the charts, it's now number two, two-

-two, two. It's Davy Jones singing-

-"These Boots Are Made For Kicking".

? Baby, I love you ?
? Baby, really I do ?

? Baby, I love you ? ? Gotta love
what you do. Baby, I love you ?

This kid is a real comer.

Oh, he certainly is, L.K.

Who asked you?

And, now g*ng, it's the number one
hit in America and the free world.

It's the super a-go-go pick
hit of the week, week, week, week.

It's Davy Jones singing, "It's Been
Lonesome in the Saddle Since My Horse Died."

? Really, I love you, babe ?

? Really, I love you, babe ?

? Babe, I really love you ?

? Honest, I do ?
? I really love you ?

That settles it; we've got our star.
Such energy, such excitement.

You're right, L.K.;
he's a great disc jockey.

Not the disc jockey, Davy Jones!

Oh, yeah.

Are you sure you're my nephew?

If I may have your attention.
Today, we begin sh**ting a

film that is destined to take
its place beside my greatest film.

I Married a Creature from out of Town.

You're the first ones who didn't like it.

And now, I'd like to have
you meet the star of our film,

that new teenage idol,

a name to remember...
what's the kid's name?

Davy Jones.

Davy Jones!

Watch where you're going, shorty.

Look this way, Davy.

Is he beautiful?

I used to know him!

Okay, camera. And action.

We like the same books, the
same music, and the same people.

I guess there never were two
people so made for each other.

Cut!

Did you get my good side?

Marvelous.

Man, this star thing has
really gone to his head.

You're right; we got to
save him from himself.

Alright, ready?
Lights, camera, and action.

Cut!

Cut! Cut!

Oh, come on. Let me out, fellas.
Will you please let me out?

Well, that should bring
him to his senses.

You don't think maybe
we overdid it a little?

No, he'll thank us
for it in the morning.

Let me out, please.
Please, let me out?

What do you mean,
you're leaving my picture?

I appreciate the opportunity,
Mr. Kramm,

but music's our business,
not jumping around on a beach.

I offer you a million-dollar career-

Besides, all this is
spoiling my character.

My character.
My character. My character.

My character. My character.
My character. My character. My character.

Valleri

I love my Valleri

There's a girl I know who
makes me feel so good

And I wouldn't live without her,
even if I could

They call her Valleri

I love my Valleri

Oh yeah, come on

She's the same little girl who
used to hang around my door

But she sure looks different
than the way she looked before

I call her Valleri

I love my Valleri

Valleri

I love my Valleri

Valleri

I love my Valleri

I got a letter this morning
from my father telling

me about what happened after I left.
My brother-in-law, who's a policeman-

Your brother-in-law's a what?

A policeman.
A cop, you know.

Yeah, right.

One of-you know,
The Monkee sweatshirts we have?

Oh, ye...

With all the patterns and all
the thing like saying-

You know, "Monkees", and,
uh-anyway, it was size forty-two.

You can imagine how big he is.

You know, he's like six
foot two, and he's like,

he weighs, two hundred
and eighty pounds,

and he's big. He put this
sweatshirt on and a Monkee hat,

which looked like a
peanut on his head.

Are you-did you give it to him as
a gift or something, as a joke?

Yeah. For a giggle. 'Cause he
always-he's an artist also.

And on the way home, going
through a little town,

a village-they live
about sixty miles

from my father-they saw
a guy breaking into a store,

and he pulled up the car, and
he's got his little sweatshirt on,

the hat, and he goes in,
and he arrests the guy, right?

True story, swear.

He calls the station from the,
uh, store and like

four police cars come, and they
think this guy is some kind of nut.

They don't believe him, you know-

- Right.
- that he's a cop.

Right.

He's got this Monkee sweatshirt on.
I thought it was pretty funny.

You know what I've
always wanted to do?

- What?
- Was get a Rolls Royce-

And put little bitty
tires on the front,

and big slicks on the back,

and put a pickup bed in
the trunk, and old paint,

you know, and stuff like that-

and take the hood off
of it and everything-

paint a name on the back of it.

- And drive where?
- Why a Rolls Royce?

- Put a pair of bongos in the back.
- Drive it out on the freeway

and give it a flat tire and stand
there scratching your head.

Can I talk to you seriously
about the concerts?

And your reaction to
when people say

you don't play your own
instruments and don't go-

I don't really think there's
any reason to talk about that,

because that's the most-you
know, it's ridiculous.

Now, you know how many-we've
just finished twelve cities.

If we don't play our own
instruments we're in big trouble.

I gotta tell you, I was standing
in at a place we were playing.

We were backstage, and it's like,

two minutes before
we're supposed to go on,

and this guy walks up,
and he's got a-he's a reporter,

you know, like that,
and he wears-and

I'm standing with my
guitar over my back.

He walks up and he says,

"Is it true that you don't
play your own instruments?"

I said, "Wait a minute.

I'm fixing to walk out there in
front of fifteen thousand people, man.

If I don't play my own instruments,
I'm in a lot of trouble.

Now, I don't know.
Why even talk about it?

It's ridiculous.
No, it's not true