01x02 - Monkee See, Monkee Die

[bunniefuu]

[Knock on door]

Hey you guys. Let me in there,
or I'll break down the door.

A way with words.

I am kicking you out!

Hey, what's the matter?
We paid the rent the first of September.

Yeah, but that was for July!

Okay look. We'll pay the rent as soon
as the fix the things you promised to fix.

Fix? What fix? This place,
this place is like a castle.

Yeah, well okay, in this
castle the moot overflows.

The roof leaks.

And the plaster's falling.

Yeah, and the phone doesn't work.

Guys, I am through being Mister Nice Guy.

My lawyer's on his way over.

And he's coming here with dispossess
papers and then out you go!

Dispossess papers?

What are we gonna do?

When the lawyer gets here,
we don't have to be here.

When he asks for the Monkees,
all we have to say is...

Who!

The Monkees.

No, no, never heard of them.

Well, they are suppose
to be at this address.

I gotta see them about a legal matter.

Actually sir.

Who are you?

The 23 hour doorman.

What?!

I used to be the 24 hour doorman,
but I couldn't take the long hours.

Ah, your TV's working mister.

Is the TV working?

It's working so hard, it's tired.

But if you do run across the Monkees,

tell them to be at Cunningham
Island tonight at 9.

You betcha big fella.

Quiet! They've been left in a
legacy by an eccentric millionaire.

The Monkees in unison:
Eccentric millionaire!

Eccentric millionaire! Millionaire! Wait.

Sir, uh, you see, we really are the Monkees.

Oh, I understand.
Now everything is perfectly clear.

You were just pretending to be someone else.

Yeah, you know.
We were just kidding around.

Yeah, of course I know.
Do me one favour please?

Anything.

If you do run across the
Monkees, tell 'em I called.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready

We may be comin' to your town

Well uh, it's a little gloomy, but uh,

we could probably work wonders
with just a few geraniums.

Uh huh, redecorate.
I'm leaving.

How do you do gentlemen?

You're just in time for
the reading of the will.

I'm Ralph, butler to the
late John Cunningham.

Uh, excuse me Ralph. You know,
we really don't even know why we're here.

I don't even think that we ever even
met the late Mr. John Cunningham.

I mean even when he was early.

I have a... A long time ago,
you returned a wallet to Mr. Cunningham

containing six hundred dollars.
He always appreciated that.

Ah, cause it showed our honesty.

Oh no son, because it wasn't his wallet.

That is Madam Roselle, the late
Mr. Cunningham's spiritualist.

She reads minds, tells
fortunes, reads palms.

Wanna read my palm?

No, what'll they make it
into a movie.

How do you do? You're
very happy to meet me.

Uh, yes ma'am, we are. Well listen,
can you really and truly...

Can I read minds and tell
the future you were about to say.

Yes I can. For example, mm.

We're gonna have snow tomorrow.

Mr. Harris Klingsley, the late
Mr. Cunningham's travelling companion.

Perhaps you've read
some of my books.

'Plan Walking Tours
Through the Sahara'?

No, I don't.

'Beverly Hills on
Five Shootings a Day'?

I'm afraid I...

Miss Ellie Reynolds, the
late Mr. Cunningham's grandniece.

Davy? Davy?

Davy?! Davy?

Statistics prove that two out of every
three teenage marriages end in divorce.

Three out of three.

Four, four out of three.

He's in love.

Yeah, for the very first time today.

'Who's Whom on Eddie's Island'?

No, I don't think so.

'Uticus: City on the Moon'?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I should like to play the will.

Play the will?

The late Mr. Cunningham recorded
his will on a phonograph record.

It'll never sell.

How about the flip side?

Voice of the late John Cunningham.

This is a recording. I'm sorry
I can't be with you, but I'm dead.

Well, what can I say except,
wish you were here. [laughs]

I wish he'd come to the part
about my inheriting the mansion.

You inheriting the mansion?
The mansion is to be mine.

Wait, let me check.

Yes, yes, that's right.
The mansion is to be mine.

To the Monkees,
I leave the library organ

with the stipulation that
they play one song on it.

That's alright.

Now for the moment that
you've all been waiting for.

I leave my mansion and everything contained
within it to Miss Ellie Reynolds.

Ellie Reynolds?

Shut up Kingsley.

With the stipulation that
before she decides whether

she wishes to keep it,
she spends one night in the mansion.

Uh, let's uh, let's just play that song.

Good idea.

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

Don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

'Cause I'm leavin' in the morning
And I must see you again

We'll have one more night together
'Til the morning brings my train

And I must go, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville

I'll be waiting at the station

We'll have time for coffee flavored kisses
And a bit of conversation

Oh... Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

[Music]

Take the last train to Clarksville
Now I must hang up the phone

I can't hear you in this noisy
Railroad station all alone

I'm feelin' low, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

[Music]

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

Don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

Well, look.
I hate to inherit and run.

Come on, let's split.

Oh! Oh!

Sorry gentlemen, but no one can
leave the island before morning.

The last ferry has been
cancelled due to the fog.

It's the middle of our foggy season.

Foggy? What do you mean foggy season?
When is that?

It's hard to estimate sir.
I'd say approximately from

eighteen hundred and twenty to
nineteen hundred and seventy five.

Now gentlemen, if I may
show you to your room.

Boy, is it spooky in here.
You scared?

Well, yes and no.
Mostly yes.

Don't do that.
Come to bed.

[Banging, wind howling, and thunder]

Hey look Micky, just turn the
light back on for a minute.

Now look, if we're gonna get any sleep,
one of us is gonna have to stand watch.

That's a good idea.
Let's choose for it.

Yeah.

Ready?

One, two, three, sh**t.

One, two, three, sh**t.

One, two, three, sh**t.

[Loud howling]

Quiet! I just had a vision about the butler.

Either he's going to take a long pleasant

journey and enjoy good
fortune, or he's dead.

Well, which is it?

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

[Loud noise]

Run downstairs! Come on.

It looks like someone's been m*rder*d.

Hey! Hey, where's Ralph?

He's gone.

Someone call the police.

Yeah, the police.

Hello operator. Operator get me the police.

We need... uh hello, oper... hello.
Hello operator?

Wires have been cut, ha-ha.

And been tied in a bow.

At least we know, uh,
that the m*rder*r's very neat.

Davy, a m*rder*r loose.

Young lady. I wouldn't be in
your shoes for anything.

This house is full of nothing but evil.

You look tired my dear. Come,
let me take you to your room.

Are you sure you're
gonna be alright, Ellie?

I'll be okay. Don't worry.

Davy!

Come here. Take a look at this.

So you see,
if you examine the angle of the blade,

you will notice that it's
precisely two centimeters

north of the standard control latitude...

... which confirms that the
m*rder*r was indeed a man.

Could it have been a women?

Yes, it's a possibility.

Would you say that Ralph...

- Which one's Ralph?
- The victim.

- Oh! Good work Watson.
[woman voice] - No!

[Loud bang]
What was that?

A, uh, C sharp.

[woman voice] - No!
- Ellie!

[woman voice] - No!

- 'Dining Out in Greenland'?
- No.

- 'Big Spots Along the Ganges'?
- No.

- 'Philadelphia: Way to Find it'?
- No!

Okay Kingsley, the chapter's over.

Man, there's gotta be a way
we can get a message out of here.

Hey, what are you doing Mike?

I'm putting out a few breadcrumbs
here on the window sill.

I'm figuring it will attract a carrier
pigeon and we can get a message out.

Hm-mm. Okay.

Well, let's see. All we gotta do is
strap a message to it's leg and we'll...

Um, there's already a message
here strapped to it's leg.

What does it say?

It says please don't strap
a message to my leg.

I am not a carrier pigeon.

Here boy. Home big fella.
Here boy. Here boy.

Hey, where'd you get the bones?

Well, I found them in the closet.

What are they suppose to do?

Well, I figured they'd attract
the Saint Bernard man.

Then, we can get 'im to deliver the message.

Yeah.
I'll believe it when I see it.

[Dog barking]

I believe it.

See now, see uh,
all you gotta do is uh, is put

a message around his neck,
and we can get him to...

Um, he's already got a
message around his neck.

Hey, what does it say?

There is a message
for you on the pigeon.

Hey, what was that?

Oh, it was just a car backfiring.

Car backfiring?

But where did it come from?

The next room.

Oh.

The next room!

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're probably, we're probably just,
just hearing things.

We'll be very cool.
Just don't panic.

Right, right.

Don't panic.
Don't panic.

[Loud g*n shot]

I must warn Mr. Kingsley.

I just had a vision he is going
to be shot in ten minutes.

Hey, we just heard a shot.

Oh yeah?
My watch must be slow.

There are two bodies missing.
Ralph and, uh, Kingsley.

Say, do you think there's something
funny going on around here?

I think I have a solution.

What?

How many for hysteria? Hands please.

If I could only get the bones to work.

Hey, wait a minute.
The telephone receiver.

Hey, if I take the microphones
out of this telephone,

hook it up with the amplifying grid on the
tubes, I might be able to get a signal.

Laugh, will they.

Are you getting something?

I think so. Come on.

Hello? Hello-hello? Hello?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you speak our language?

Yes, I do.

Thank goodness.
Do you know how to send an SOS?

Yes, I do.

Oh great! What's your location?

Yes, I do.

Madamoiselle, what do you
think we ought to do?

Join hands.

We are trying to reach the
spirit of John Cunningham.

He will tell us who the
m*rder*r is in his mansion.

What is she doing, mansion and stuff?
I've never been...

I've gotta have a little silence.

Oh, I'm sorry.

John Cunningham,
if you are within

the sound of my voice,
some to us, mm.

I feel a spirit is among us.

Are you a friendly spirit?

Knock two times for yes,
four times for no.

Knock how many times for yes?

Mm-mm.

Are you the spirit of John Cunningham?

Uh no, this is his answering service.

Oh what, his answering service.

Wait, wait. We are trying to
reach the spirit of John Cunningham.

I am the ghost of Christmas past.

Just a minute.

Open your heart to Tiny Tim, Ebenezer.

Wait, you're the wrong spirit.

Be kind to Bob Crachett.
Celebrate Christmas.

Would you please get off the line?

Demand of your partner Jacob Marley.

I'm trying to reach John Cunningham.

The lights! The lights!
Where'd they go?

Someone turned on the dark.

Turn on the lights.

[Eerie music]

Where's madamoiselle?

She's gone!

We're the only ones left.

I couldn't spend another
moment in this house.

I never want to see it
as long as I live.

Now, don't worry Ellie.

We'll wait outside with
you until the ferry comes.

It shouldn't be too long.

Hey, listen. Why don't we go outside and we

can play a little music?
That oughta cheer us up.

Come on.

Wow, it doesn't look as
scary as it did last night.

I'm gonna pack up all the pain,
I'm gonna keep it in my heart

I'm gonna catch me the fastest train
I'm gonna make me a brand new start

But that's okay

Tomorrow's gonna be another day
Hey, hey, hey, hey

And I don't care what ya say

Tomorrow's gonna be, tomorrow's gonna be
Tomorrow's gonna be another day

Yay, yay, yay

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

They say there's a lotta fish
Swimmin' in the deep blue sea

I'm gonna catch me a pretty one
And she'll be good to me

But that's okay

Tomorrow's gonna be another day
Hey, hey, hey, hey

And I don't care what ya say

Tomorrow's gonna be, tomorrow's gonna be

Tomorrow's gonna be another day

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I'm on my way

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

[Music]

Well, I ain't gonna think about ya
'Cause it ain't no use no more

I'm gonna make it fine without ya
Just like I did before

I'm on my way

Tomorrow's gonna be another day,
Hey, hey, hey, hey

And I don't care what ya say

Tomorrow's gonna be, tomorrow's gonna be

Tomorrow's gonna be another day

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Another day!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Every body feel better now?

No. No.

[Laughter]

Well, we finally scared
that little mouse away.

It certainly took long enough.

Hey, hey do you still have those
knock out pills you were experimenting on?

Yeah but, the experiment's
not complete yet.

Will be soon.

[Laughter]

I propose a toast to us.

The new owners of
Cunningham manor.

[Laughter]

Hey, the pills are in.

[Laughter]

Hey man, where is everybody?

Shush!

Who's there?

Ralph? Here?

Stop or I'll sh**t.

Okay, you asked for it.

Hey, I may have something here.

He's got the last act of Hamlet.

He's still alive.

You're looking at the fastest
hand in the west.

So you see Ellie.
They were making the

weird noises all the time,
just to get rid of you.

And we thought they were ghosts.

You were worried about ghosts?

I wasn't worried. Were you worried?
The shock...

Come off it. You said there were
ghosts when we first got here.

You said there's ghosts
all over the place.

Keep the spirit of
Christmas Ebenezer.

Wait! Wait! Come back.

Wait! Come back.

So then we put Micky's knock out

drops in the wine decanter
and that was that.

You boys have been through a lot, but as

long as you're all okay,
you've done alright.

I think one of them is ready to talk now.
You're all free to go.

Perhaps you've read
some of my books.

'Akron: The City Behind the Myth'.

'A Teenager's Guide to Tijuana'?

- 'Plan Walking Tours Through the Sahara'?
- No.

- 'South Dakota: Fact or Fiction'?
- No.

- 'Beverly Hills on Five Shootings a Day'?
- No.

'Uticus: City on the Moon'?