01x01 - Royal Flush

[bunniefuu]

[Girl in water screaming]

Dummy!

Are you alright?

I'm fine now, thank you.

I don't swim very well,
but I was sure that the raft...

You ought to get your money
back on that raft.

Oh I can't. It was a present
from my Uncle Otto.

Bettina darling, are you alright?

Oh yes, I'm fine now Uncle Otto.

Is that the uncle that
gave you the raft?

Yes, but please don't mention it to him.
He'd be very upset.

Uncle Otto, this is the young man
that saved me from the water.

Oh, then we must thank you young man.
You saved Her Highness life.

Highness?

May I present Princess Bettina
of the Duchess of Harmonica.

- And now we must go.
- But Uncle Otto...

Let's go back to the car
and get warm. Go.

You've already been a most
fortunate man once today, Mr. Jones.

I don't understand.

We have a saying in our country:
[speaking a foreign language]

What does that mean?

A man who saves a drowning
person risks drowning himself.

Hey, hey my jacket!

Here we come,
walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks
from every one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready
We may be comin' to your town

Well, the cupboard's bare and it's not about
to get any fuller unless we play a gig.

No, I don't want to buy a princess phone.
I'm trying to locate a princess.

Princess Bettina.

Do you know we haven't
worked in a month?

Gee, it seems more like four weeks.

Look, I don't care what
colours they come in.

And I don't care what they do
when you pick the phone up.

Would you please look under Harmonica?
H-A-R-M... Look, it's a country.

There is so!

Hey Davy, you talking about a chick,
her name's Bettina and she's a princess.

That's right.

She's here with her uncle,
the Archduke.

Otto!

Yeah Otto and eh a, bodyguard.

Yeah, Sigmund.

Uh not, that one's Igor.
Must be a different princess.

Gimmie that.

Hey fellas, yeah, it's her.

It says she's staying at
the Ritz Swank Hotel.

Come on fellas.
We gotta go.

Hey, wait a minute.
You can't go there.

Look, they're trying to k*ll her.

How do you know?

Look, I know, I know. The guy
threatened to k*ll me too.

What'd he say?

They said...
[speaking a foreign language].

What in the world does that mean?

Well, it doesn't mean
live and be well.

Oh Davy, look man,
you cannot go down to the

Ritz Swank Hotel and barge
in there on a suspicion.

Look, will you trust me?

She's got my jacket!

Oh well, if she's got your jacket.

Yeah.

Mike: She's got his jacket.

Peter: She's got his jacket.
Mike: She's got his jacket.

We hit the beach at O 700.
It is now O 631.

Synchronise your watches please.

We need to leave the compound
on the cup of daylight...

...and set up an observation post here.

Here in the room next door
which will serve a jumping off

point to our primary objective,
the royal suite, there.

Are there any questions?

Yes sir. How do we get
into the adjoining room?

Very quietly.

Well, I guess it'll do. It'll do.
Get everything monogrammed.

Everything monogrammed.

What time does the sun come
through that window?

What time does the sun come
through that window?

About 12 noon, I think.

No good. I want it here by


Right WH. 10:30 in the morning.

Look, wait a minute.
What is this?

That's WH Woolhat.
The WH Woolhat.

Who's he?

You've heard of wool hats,
haven't you?

That's him.

Look, Mr. Woolhat, if you don't mind,
I have to get this room cleaned up...

Uh, it's alright my good woman.

I understand and everything.
It's completely under control.

Oh, well good...

Work hard, play hard,
get plenty of roughage in your diet,

and someday you'll own this hotel.

Thank you.

Uh miss, I have a tip for you.

Oh, thank you.

Buy International Steel
at 28 and a half.

My phone in the wall.

The plan my dear
Sigmund is to dispose of

the princess as soon as
the deception is over.

And when is that, Sire?

Tonight, don't you remember anything?

I'll write it down.

If you were working for my enemies,
I'd rule all of Europe.

No Sire. Sigmund Berk
only for Archduke Otto.

You make promises to Sigmund.
I'd be prince.

Yes, but first we must
dispose of the princess.

Now, here is the plan.

Tonight after the reception,
we put five drops

of poison to render her unconscious.
[laughs maliciously]

You see, I told you she was in trouble.

C'mon man. We gotta do something.
She's got my jacket!

Got it!

Royal suite please.

Royal suite.

Alright. Stu Otto. How are you baby?
Good to hear from ya.

Yeah, listen, I heard you're in town.

Thought you'd like to look at our spring
line of thrones and royal supplies.

Alright baby. Yeah, listen
I know, I know you're a busy man.

We're got conveniently located
showrooms all over town.

Right next door.

So when will we be expecting you baby?

Right. He'll be right over.

[Knock on door]

He's fast.

Don't forget. Get plenty of
roughage in your diet.

[Knocking on door]

Come in, come in, come in!

I am the Archduke Otto.

So regal. Charming.
How's that for regal?

Right this way your highness.
Let's go over here.

Now just a minute.

I know, I know. You're
only browsing, I know,

but I just want you to see this little
number right here, if you'd be so kind.

Oh, oh, pardon me,
Your Reverence,

it's just that you look so, so imperial.

That's true.

What are you doing here?

Look, it's your Uncle Otto
and the other guy.

They're trying to k*ll you.
You've got to get out of here.

Davy, that's ridiculous.

Now, if you pay cash, we'll give you
absolutely free with no extra charge...

...this tufted footstool cut only

sculptured in the form
of a servile flatterer.

Look, you don't have to believe me.
We recorded the whole scene. Listen.

[Scrambled voices]

I'll have it in a minute.

But now I must go.

Wait. Uh wait. Wait, the special,
the special, the 309.

The 309.



[Scrambled voices]

This is silliness Davy.
Please stop.

Wait a second.
I'll have it in a minute.

The 309. Fit for a king.

It captures your ruthless ambition,
your cruel determination.

This throne is designed for men
who dare to be called tyrants.

We call it the usurper.

[Chair creaks]

Something you can send
to the family back home.

How much longer?

How much longer? 38, 39,
it's a slow film.

...will render her unconscious
and then ha, ha, ha, ha...

...129, 130...

How much longer?

What are we going to do?

Let's call the cops.

We can't do that.

Uncle Otto has diplomatic immunity.
No one can arrest him.

In his region, he controls everything
until I become Queen upon my 18th birthday.

Then when's your 18th birthday?

Tomorrow. At the reception tonight
is a birthday ball for me.

Great, then all we have to do is
keep you out of sight until midnight.

...257, 258, 259...

Come on.

Gentlemen, I can spare no more time.

Oh uh, the pictures, the pictures.

You'll keep me in mind.

I mean uh, I mean uh, this hat.
Isn't this your hat here?

Well, I don't know.

It's his hat. I know it's his hat.

Looks good. Look, the
hat on the head. Hm hm.

You can keep the hat anyway.

Come on. Come with me.

Bettina! Bettina!

She is not here boss.

Are you sure?

She wouldn't have left by herself.

Someone must have come in.
How would they know I would not be here?

Those throne merchants.

Sigmund, they will lead you to the princess.
Hm. I'll wait here until you call.

After them!

Sigmund, how many times have I told you?
Only when they're locked.

What's the matter?

It's just that I have so
many responsibilities.

The welfare of all my people.

We'd be very honored if you
could come and visit us.

Perhaps for the coronation.

No, I can't.

What I have to do is here
with the guys and our music.

I see.

I can't see why you're so down
about going back anyway.

You're the Queen.

That's what you have to do.

I guess I should have stayed in bed
My pillow wrapped around my head

Instead of waking up to find
A nightmare of a different kind

She went away
This just doesn't seem to be my day

She didn't have to say a lot
Her pretty eyes revealed the plot

For someone else she wanted more
And so I walked her to the door

What can I say?
This just doesn't seem to be my day

My, oh my,

how sad am I

How I wish she would have stayed

This just doesn't seem to be my day

My whole world is upside down
She turned my smile into a frown

It's such a pity the shape I'm in
I must get on my feet again

Can't stay this way
This just doesn't seem to be my day

My, oh my,

how sad am I

How I wish she would have stayed

This just doesn't seem to be my day

I guess I should have stayed in bed
My pillow wrapped around my head

Instead of waking up to find
A nightmare of a different kind

She went away
This just doesn't seem to be my day

Hello.

The streaker is going up the hill.

A fox has stolen a chicken.

The onions ripen in the spring.

Especially when it is raining.

Hello.

Especially when it's raining?

What number is this please?

Klondike 58618.

Oh, I must have dialed
the wrong number. Sorry.

- Hello!
- Hello!

Hello.

The streaker is going up the hill.

Sigmund you dummy,
where have you been?

They built for me this horrible midday red.
How come I followed them into the house.

The house. They're in the house.
Believe me. The truth.

I followed them into the house.
The house.

Slowly, slowly.
From the beginning.

The streaker is going up the hill.

Up this way.

Are you sure we lost them?

What are you worried about?

We got the door all rigged and
besides they have about as

much chance of finding us here as
I do of becoming Miss America.

There she is, Miss America.

It's him alright.

Okay, open it.

It won't cut.

Cool it.

Bettina darling, I was so worried.

You don't have to pretend
anymore Uncle Otto.

I know all about your plan.
You've been trying to k*ll me.

Oh yes, you're quite right my dear.

Sigmund, seize her now.

Wait a minute.

It just so happens that the
princess had a note delivered to

the Harmonica Embassy just an
hour ago in a sealed envelope.

Yes, that's right. And if I don't
appear this evening at the ball,

they're going to know
all about your scheme.

I don't think you're telling me the truth,
but I cannot afford to take chances,

...so we will postpone our plans,
but only temporarily.

The princess will go to
the ball with us tonight.

Boss, she'll spill the beans.

I don't think so.

Her Highness will do exactly
as we wish her to because,

uh, our four friends
here will be with you.

And one unfortunate gesture on
your part and Sigmund will, well,

you know how unpleasant Sigmund
can be when he's upset, huh?

My dear.

The wicked, wicked stepmother disguise as an

old beggar woman gave
Snow White an apple.

Now, Snow White took one bite and
immediately fell into a deep sleep.

The apple was poisoned!

Okay, you going to read the story
or you going to kid around?

He's fast.

Alright! No more Mr. Nice Guy!

Favor.
No one bypass the Archduke.

Though you've played at love and lost
And sorrow's turned your heart to frost

I will melt your heart again

Remember the feeling as a child
When you woke up and morning smiled

This time you felt like you did then

There's just no percentage
in remembering the past

It's time you learned to
live again at last

Come with me,
leave yesterday behind

And take a giant step
outside your mind

You stare at me in disbelief
You say for you there's no relief

But I swear I'll prove you wrong

Don't stay in your lonely room
Just staring back in silent gloom

That's not where you belong

Come with me, I'll take you
where the taste of life is green

And everyday holds
wonders to be seen

Come, leave yesterday behind

And take a giant step
outside your mind

Come, I'll take you where
the taste of life is green

And everyday holds
wonders to be seen

Come with me,
leave yesterday behind

And take a giant step
outside your mind

Wait! Listen to this.

When you hear the tone,
the time will be 12 midnight. [Beep]

Arrest that man.
I order it as your Queen.

Go, go, go, go, go!

The streaker's going up the hill.

Hey, aren't you that Woolhat guy?

Oh, yeah, you can
have the room back now.

Well good, because I was going to
tell you guys to start packing anyway.

If royalty is bad enough, but
I've got to draw the line somewhere.

You've gotta draw the line?

Sure. I own this hotel.
Followed your advice.

Work hard, play hard, get plenty
of roughage in your diet.

No, bought International
Steel at 28 and a half.

Monkees, Monkees, uh,
the shows over,

but we've got one problem.
We're one minute short.

Hi there America.

Tell me Mike, what did you think
of the show you just did?

I thought it was one minute short.

Micky, will you give me an intelligent
answer please. This is very important.

Hey man, I'm reading next week's script.
I'm gonna try to save it.

Wouldn't you think about it?

Well, I thought it was alright
except for the duelling scene.

What you talking about?
Our fencing scene was great.

None of you could have done it.

Fencing scene? Great? Davy's, you know,
short, and I could have done it better.

He's always picking on me
'cause I'm small.

Micky: He's not short. Stand up
Davey and show them how tall you are.

I am standing up.

Folks, wait, wait,
listen to me, all of you.

What I want to know is one thing.
Seriously now.

Davy: That's two things.

What, what do you really want
this show to do for you?

I wanna go home.

Whaddaya gonna do
when you get home?

I'm gonna feed my dog.
I'm gonna take a bath. Gonna set my hair.

[Monkees laughing]

Why do you ask stuff
like this? Really.

I mean success and stuff like that.

Why don't you ask us stuff
like what time is it?

What time is it Mike?

Uh, it's time to go man.
I'll see ya later.