01x01 - Everything Is Not What It Seems

[bunniefuu]

[Milo]
Hey, Roman, are you sleeping?

Yes.

[Milo] Okay, cool.

Hey, Roman?

- What? [sighs]
- Is the monster gone?

[sighs] We've talked
about this, okay?

There is no monster!

Why'd you scream? You scared me.

I scared you? [scoffs]
Look, tha-- that's it, okay?

I'm too old to be living with
a kid who believes in monsters.

Remember what Gladys
at the dry cleaners said?

That's the most ketchup
she's ever cleaned out

of a young man's pants?

Exactly. "A young man."

And a young man,
needs his own room.

N-- I'm talking to Mom and Dad.

Well, that's new.

Oh, hey, kid.
Is this the Russo house?

What are you doing in my mirror?

That's how we get places.
I'm a wizard.

Where's your robe
and pointy hat?

[chuckles] Let me clarify.
I'm a wizard with style.

[female voice]
Billie, we can't go in that way.

Wait! Who else is in there?

Should I be changing
in the bathroom?

- Okay, Milo.
- Roman.

There's something
I gotta tell you.

Me first, okay? [inhales]
Maybe I flew off the handle.

Not gonna move out.

But promise me,
no more crazy made-up stories.

- There's a wizard in our mirror!
- Dad, I need my own room!

[theme song playing]

{\an8}♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

{\an8}♪ When you can
have what you want ♪

{\an8}♪ By the simplest of means ♪

{\an8}♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

{\an8}♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

- ♪ What it seems ♪
- [theme song concludes]

{\an8}Oh! Hey there, good looking.

{\an8}[exhales] Why, yes.

{\an8}It is my birthday today.
Yeah, 34.

[grunts]

Oh, you think the J-Man's
still got it? [exhales]

{\an8}- I think you still got it.
- [gasps, laughs] Giada.

[inhales]
You're awake. That's fun.

Happy birthday, J-Man.

You remembered my birthday.

{\an8}How could I forget?

{\an8}You sent me
four calendar invites.

{\an8}Well, you do know that
coordinating family logistics

{\an8}- is my love language.
- [laughs]

Gross! Get a room!

This is our room.

Hey, guys! Anything
you wanna say to me today?

Oh, thank you for asking.
I need my own room.

No, like anything
you want to, uh, wish me?

I wish you would give me
my own room.

{\an8}Look what I woke up
to this morning.

{\an8}It's so the monster
in the closet will think

{\an8}I'm a monster
and go after Roman.

Savage. Gets that from my side.

{\an8}Mom, don't encourage him.
You should be telling him

{\an8}there's no such thing
as monsters.

{\an8}Back me up on this, Dad.

{\an8}Absolutely, buddy.

{\an8}There is no such thing
as monsters.

{\an8}And I should know,
'cause I was not

{\an8}a monster hunter
when I was your age.

{\an8}You were a monster hunter?

{\an8}No! No, I was very clear
when I said I was not

{\an8}a monster hunter, okay?
I couldn't have been,

because I'm not a wizard.

[chuckles, inhales deeply]
What are we even talking about?

Is Dad having a midlife crisis?
Are you getting a tattoo?

Ooh, are you?

- No, and I am not midlife--
- M'kay.

Guys, I turned 34 today.

It's your birthday?

Be honest with me, does no one
check the family calendar?

We all love the calendar,
big fans of the calendar. Okay.

Boys, go get dressed.
I think your dad needs a moment.

Listen, don't freak out,

but I got you a little surprise
for your birthday.

But... I don't like surprises.

Oh, you're gonna like this one.

Okay, I can handle this.
Maybe liking surprises

will be a new thing for me.
Yeah, yeah.

[inhales]
Oh, who am I kidding? Giada!

Let's just go in this way.

[female voice] No,
we have to use the front door.

[scoffs] Like a mortal?
Aw, man, nobody better see me.

Giada! Hey, um, uh, yeah...

Giada, why-- why don't
you tell me what it is, okay?

And you'll be like, "Surprise!"

And then I'll be like,
"No freaking way!" [chuckles]

- Gia-- Huh?
- [doorbell rings]

Look who's using the front door
just like one of you people.

Surprise!

No freaking way.

I know,
I look fantastic, don't I?

Alex, [stammers] are you
here for my birthday?

It's your... It-- uh... It's
your birthday! That's why...

- That's why I came, you know?
- [Justin] Aw.

That's why we're here.
We came for your birthday.

You dragged me here
for your brother's birthday?

No, I brought you here,

so you can meet your
new wizard teacher.

I don't need a new teacher.
They never believe in me anyway.

[inhales] Well, this one will.
He's the best I've ever known.

- [sighs]
- Annoyingly. But...

I just have
to find a way to ask him.

He can be a little high-strung.

Did you guys track this dirt in?

Okay, a lot high-strung.

So, you're the guy who owns
all the sandwich shops?

Like, the billionaire?

Uh, no. That would be Max.

I'm a middle school
vice principal, which some

would say is much cooler
than being a billionaire.

- Nobody says that.
- I would never say that.

Uh, and Alex, who is this?

Oh, um, this is Billie.
She's... with me.

Well, that clears everything up.

- Aunt Alex!
- Oh, my gosh! Hi, guys!

How are you?
I bought you presents.

Because I'm the coolest aunt,
like ever.

- [Roman] Oh! Shirts.
- So...

- [Roman] Straight outta WizTech.
- Alex.

Can I speak with you in private?

That's the wizard girl
from our mirror.

Dude, you're gonna
weird her out.

Hey, what kind of mileage
does this thing get?

Okay, maybe
she's gonna weird us out.

Uh, what are these?

Uh, hilarious novelty tees.

About wizards.

- Well, we are wizards.
- [shushes]

Okay, we're talking
over here now.

Remember how
the last time we talked,

you asked me when I was going
to tell Giada and the kids

that I was from
a family of wizards?

- Yeah.
- Well, I kinda sort of haven't.

You're still lying
to your family, Justin? I'm...

I'm so proud of you.

I'm not lying, Alex.
Technically, I'm not a wizard.

Okay? Anymore.
I haven't picked up a wand

since I got fired from WizTech.

Oh... Yeah.
The unicorn incident.

- That was hilarious-- Awful.
- Awful!

It was so awful.
That's what I was trying to say.

Uh, but don't you miss it?
You know, teaching wizards?

[scoffs] No. I don't even
think about it every day.

- You just said every day.
- Yes, I didn't.

Look, okay?
Just while you're here,

no talk about magic
and no wizard talk, okay?

Fine. What exactly does your
family think I do for a living?

Professional dog walker.

I want to be offended, but I do
love dogs, so...

All right, fine.
I won't blow your cover.

Thank you. And what
about Billie? Is she cool?

I promise.

Billie definitely won't say
anything about being a wizard.

I'm a wizard!

- I told you.
- Milo, she's not a wizard.

I know you didn't just say that.

There's no
such thing as wizards.

And I know
you did not just say that.

It's not personal.
He doesn't believe me

about the monster
in our closet either.

Uh--
Because monsters aren't real,

just like wizards aren't real.

Okay, smart guy,
show me your closet then.

Fine, but all that's
gonna prove is that I have

great taste in cardigans.

There it is. There's the closet.

Open it up.

This is your dumb thing.
You open it.

I'm not opening it.
I like being alive.

Well, guess you're both
too scared to open it.

I am.
Thought I was clear about that.

Hey, fine, I'll open it.

[softly] From the place
where dark beasts dwell,

I summon a floogie
with this spell.

Get ready to not see...
[screams]

- [growls]
- [screams]

Why are you laughing?!

Because,
you said monsters aren't real,

so I conjured one,
'cause I'm a wizard, ahwandra.

[growling and grumbling]

Please tell me there's a spell
to make it go away.

There is, I just don't know it.

You don't know
how to send it back?

Then why did you conjure it?

- 'Cause you said I couldn't.
- You can't argue with the logic.

- [growls]
- [shushes]

I don't hear anything.

See? Uh, maybe the monster
went away on its own?

Yeah, that definitely happens.
Go check it out.

- [growls]
- [screams]

[laughs] You checked it out?
What is wrong with you?

Me?
We didn't have a monster

in the closet
until you came along!

- Actually--
- Not now, Milo!

My dad cannot find out

there's a monster
running around the house.

- It'll--
- Ruin his birthday.

His birthday? If Justin Russo
finds out wizards are real,

- his head's gonna explode!
- Cool.

Why did you bring
that... that...

- Floogie.
- ...that floogie here,

if you couldn't get rid of it?

'Cause I didn't know
I couldn't get rid of it

until I brought it here.

You need to go back to...
wizard school.

Well, I can't,
'cause I got kicked out.

It's not my fault
my teachers don't believe in me.

But I don't need them.
I don't need anyone.

We definitely need someone.

No, we don't. I can fix this.

I'll get rid
of the floogie myself.

Please.

All right, fine.
But if that thing

poops in the house,
you're cleaning it up.

Oh, they don't poop.
They flarf. It's way worse.

So, hypothetically, yeah, I use
words like hypothetically now,

what would you say
if someone were to ask you

to go back to teaching magic?

Alex, what is this all about?

Oh! Sorry I took so long.
Mr. Kopecky from next door

forced me to look at pictures
of his grandson.

Now, I would never say
that a baby is ugly,

but this baby,
it looks like a foot.

- Alex! [scoffs]
- Hey, Giada.

What are you doing here?

Giada, come on. I know that
Alex is my birthday surprise.

Whoa, babe,
I would never ambush you

with family
and call it a present.

So, Alex, how's work?

Uh, work's great.
I'm on the Tribunal now.

- You're on the Tribunal?
- There's a dog-walking tribunal?

Yeah. Yeah, they were like,

"Alex, there are some pretty bad
dogs out there, and...

and you're the only one
that can help."

Oh, you're
the only one, huh? You?

Yeah.
Why is it so hard to believe?

I mean, I am the family...

dog walker.

But I practically taught you
how to walk those dogs.

If anyone should have been
on the Tribunal, we both know

that it should have been moi.

Okay. Well, if you wanted
to make the Tribunal so badly,

maybe you shouldn't have
hung up your leash.

Okay, you know, well,
this is getting awkward.

Is anybody thirsty? I'm not,
but I'm gonna leave anyway.

Dude, what's your problem?

I thought you were happy
you left wizarding behind.

I am, okay? I like my quiet,
predictable, no surprises life.

Then why are you acting
like you have flarf for brains?

First, we don't use that kind
of language in this house.

And second, if you're not
my birthday surprise,

what are you doing here, Alex?

Okay fine. Um, Billie is one of
the most extraordinary wizards

- I've ever met. But she needs...
- [glass shattering]

What was that?

[gasps] Giada!

[gasps, grunts]

This looks like
a floogie freeze.

Oh, look at you remembering
your class-three monsters.

Just like old times.

- When we were little, I used--
- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. No.
You said you wouldn't do magic.

- I didn't do this. It...
- [sighs]

- Billie...
- This is classic Alex.

You're here for five minutes
and I got a floogie infestation,

and just look
at my beautiful wife!

I'll handle this. After all,
I am the family dog walker.

The only way to unfreeze her is to banish
the floogie back where it came from.

I know, but thank you for the
refresher because... I forgot.

Whatever you do,
do not look the floogie

right in the eye,
or he'll freeze you.

Which one?
The thing's 90 percent eyes!

- [groans, chews loudly]
- It's over there!

He's eating the couch!

Dad won't even let us
eat on the couch!

[growls]

- [Milo] Roman, look out!
- [growls, grumbles]

- Milo!
- He saved you.

Well, we're Russos. Russos
always have each other's backs.

So, you would have done
the same thing for him?

I would have...
strongly considered it.

[sighs] We should hide him
until I can banish the floogie.

I think if your parents
saw their son frozen solid,

it'd be pretty upsetting.

Do you? Do you think that?

What are we gonna do
about the couch?

- Oh, nice.
- Let's go.

[whispers indistinctly]
Where are we hiding the kid?

An infinity pocket?
Bottomless bag?

You know, I can open a portal
to the Nowhere Zone.

I'm not sending
my little brother

to the Nowhere Zone.
He's got a field trip tomorrow.

Help me put him on the bike.

- A helmet? Really?
- It's the law!

All right, Giada,
we're almost there. [pants]

[whispers] There we go.
[grunts] Okay. Sorry.

that's... [pants]
Oh! Hey, g-- guys.

I didn't know you were...
[pants] ...out here.

Oh, yeah, I was just showing
Billie the water heater.

- Yeah.
- And I was just...

I was just carrying
whatever's under this blanket.

[laughs awkwardly]
Well, that is some very

normal behavior
from the both of us.

- [chuckles]
- [inhales sharply] Ta-ta.

Uh, Roman, just real quick, bud.

You haven't seen anything,
like, weird going on

around here today, have you?

Uh... No, no, no, no,
nothing weird.

Just the regular old
boring Russos.

No reason for you
to get worked up, Dad.

Wait, wait, wait, you're saying
we're boring? You think we're boring?

Oh, yeah, totally,
totally the boring-est.

Maybe I could stand to use
a little excitement in life.

Well, well,
you are not gonna find it here,

because our house
is boring central.

[yawns] See, I'm getting bored
just talking about it.

[sniffs] See ya.

Not there. Not there.

Not there.
[gasps] There you are.

I guess I could start looking
for the floogie now.

- Oh, hi, Alex. Bye, Alex.
- No, no.

I knew it. You had something
to do with the floogie.

This is just like
when you put a curse

on Professor
Dinklebot's toothbrush.

[laughs] He was shaving
his tongue for a month.

- [laughs] That was hilarious.
- I know!

But no!
This is not a laughing matter.

Oh, you made me
sound like my mother. Billie,

Justin is not gonna teach you if
he thinks that you're trouble.

- Sounds like a win-win to me.
- You don't get it.

This is your last chance.

The Tribunal thinks
that you're dangerous

and they wanna take your wand.

But that's not fair.
I'm a great wizard.

You're a powerful wizard.
There's a difference.

I'm not dangerous, and I'll
prove it. I can fix this.

Just stay out of the way. You've
done quite enough, young lady.

Who am I right now?

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going upstairs
to find that floogie.

What do you think you're doing?

Going with you.
You mess everything up!

- You clearly need help!
- No, I don't!

With magic cast by me alone,
I send thee to the Nowhere Zone.

[screams]

Here, floogie, floogie!

Levitatus sofitus.
Wow, it's clean under here.

[scoffs] What am I talking about?
We're at Justin's house.

Of course
he vacuums under the couch.

- [sofa thuds]
- I wasn't using magic!

Listen, Alex. I'm sorry
that I snapped at you, okay?

It's just, you were talking
about all the great stuff

you're doing, and I got jealous.

Really? Of me?

Yeah. You know,
maybe I do miss being a wizard.

I'm so happy
to hear you say that.

- Why?
- Okay, Billie is an incredibly

powerful wizard,
but she's rebellious,

and stubborn and sarcastic.
She has no discipline.

[smacks lips] Sounds like
someone else I know.

[laughs mockingly]
Like me, I get it.

- [chuckles softly]
- But I had Dad.

and I had you.
Billie has no one.

Every teacher she's ever had
has given up on her.

- It's kinda why I'm here. I'm--
- No, Alex. No.

I mean, I... I... I...
I don't teach wizards anymore.

Justin, you were
the youngest headmaster

of WizTech in history.

Yeah, and then I got fired.

So, what?
You just hide out here

in Staten Island
and deny who you are?

I don't want my family
to know anything about my past.

So, you're ashamed
of being a wizard?

No. A failure.

- [audience sighs]
- [sighs]

You only fail
if you give up, Justin.

Billie needs a teacher
who believes in her.

She needs you,
like I needed you.

[clears throat] I don't know
if I have it in me to try again.

[sighs]

This couch feels
two inches further to the left.

- [roars, grumbles]
- Billie!

[grumbles]

Alex, there's a gigantic floogie
in my kid's room!

Really? Where?
Billie, what did you do?

I tried banishing it, but I only
made it bigger. Alex, please!

I thought I could do it,
but I can't. I was wrong.

Alex, what are you doing!?
Banish it for her!

[roars]

- Alex!
- [Justin] Don't! Come here!

[roars]

[roars]

What are we gonna do?
Alex is the only wizard

strong enough
to banish that thing. You do it.

I... I can't do it.

But Alex said you were the best
she's ever known.

Would've been nice
to hear that from her.

[growls]

Listen to me. You have
to do this, okay? Only you can.

I already tried, but I failed.

[breathes heavily]

A wise wizard once told me,
you only fail if you give up.

Now, what were you thinking
when you summoned it?

Guess I just thought
of the floogie, the closet,

and then I said the spell,
and it was there.

- [roars]
- [Billie screams]

Just focus, okay?
Clear your mind.

I told you, I can't.

My teachers were right
not to believe in me.

No. No, no, no. [stammers]
You just had the wrong teachers.

Okay? Hey,
you got this, all right?

I believe in you, okay?

Think of the place
you wanna send the floogie.

And repeat after me.
[inhales, exhales sharply]

With magic strong
and words of power.

With magic strong
and words of power.

- [growls]
- [grunts, groans]

[growls]

We banish you, floogie,
at this hour.

[growls]

We banish you, floogie,
at this hour.

[growls]

- [growls]
- Now, together.

Back to the road
from whence you came,

and never ever more remain.

[grumbles]

- [gasps happily]
- [gasps] We did it!

- You did it.
- And I knew that you could.

Justin taught me.

Oh, thought you don't
teach anymore.

Wait, did you let yourself
get frozen on purpose

so I'd have to step in
and instruct her,

thus rediscovering
my love of teaching?

That would've been
a really smart plan. [laughs]

Well, and I don't know
if you did or you didn't.

[smacks lips]
That's just the way I want it.

I was hanging
on my bike forever.

I'm gonna have to put lotion
on my tender parts.

She trapped me
in the Nowhere Zone.

I saw things I can't forget.

They don't have a lotion
for your brain, Milo.

Actually, they do.

But the worm
that makes it has to crawl in

through your earhole.

But for real,
thanks for trying to help me.

Thanks for saving my family.

I mean, you are the one
that put them in danger,

but... thanks.

It was so weird.
I-- I'm in the kitchen,

and the next thing I know,

I'm in the garage
with a blanket over my head.

[scoffs] That is weird.

You know, it's probably best

to just forget about it
and move on.

You know, I could hit her
with a little cerebellum erasus

and erase her memory.

Keep your wand
out of my wife's head.

So, Milo, I've been thinking.

Um, now that we know
that wizards are real,

and monsters are real...

I already knew that,
but continue.

I've, uh, I've decided
to stay in our room.

You know,
for when you get scared.

When he gets scared
or when you get scared?

When are you leaving?
Hey, Dad, when is she leaving?

Actually, I was thinking
she could, uh, stay with us

for a little while.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, Dad, are you sure?

What do you think?

[sighs] I think
I could learn a lot here.

- [chuckles lightly]
- And Giada's cool with this?

- Totally.
- You didn't ask her.

- I didn't.
- [audience laughs]

Can't believe you're staying.

You know,
I thought the face you made

when you saw the floogie
was my favourite.

But now it's this one.

This one is definitely
my favorite.

Happy birthday, J-Man.

- Aw.
- Happy birthday!

Oh, right, it's your birthday.
[chuckles]

If I'm gonna train you,
it can't be here.

- Why not?
- [clicks tongue]

His family
doesn't know about wizards.

Right! [laughs] Yes,
they do not know about wizards,

'cause I didn't tell them.
So, unless you told them--

You know,
that is a really nice cardigan.

Thank you. [chuckles]

[clears throat]
Alex, will you do the honors?

- Mm-hm.
- [mystical whooshing]

The old lair,
this takes me back. [chuckles]

[exhales] Oh!

Hello, Wandy. My old friend.

[audience claps and cheers]

You know, I thought
you were just bringing me

to another teacher
who doesn't care.

But, I was wrong.
Thanks for believing in me.

Of course. Us rebels,
we gotta stick together.

- [chuckles softly]
- Look, I have to go back

to the Tribunal. Are you good?

Don't worry. I'll be okay here.

Zippo zap,
zippo zee, zippo zeria!

[laughs, blows] Still got it.

Okay, good, good,
because there's one thing I, um,

kind of sort of
forgot to mention.

Nothing big,
just this teeny tiny,

but very real prophecy
about the end of the world,

and Billie being
the only one who can save us.

The fate of the world
is in her hands?

[electricity zaps]

Well, technically,
it's in your hands.

You make sure she's ready,

and I'll figure out
what she needs to be ready for.

- Thank you.
- [sighs]

For everything.

Russos always
have each other's backs.

- Well, don't blow it, J-Man.
- [sighs]

I've missed this.
[chuckles softly]

"Don't blow it, J-Man."
What'd she mean by that?

Uh, well, I, uh...

I think we should get started.
[chuckles]

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪