[ORGAN PLAYING]
[POLKA MUSIC]
[THUNDER]
DJ (ON RADIO): IT'S 3:31 AM and
a brisk 67 degrees in Burbank.
You're listening to the late
night sounds of Larry La
Ciénaga on KLT FM, reminding you
that the all-night theater is
still running that terrifying
new movie by Corman Rogers,
"Enema Vampires."
Sheer terror, as only
Rogers could give you.
That will be playing
continuously through Thursday,
so all you horror
fans go check it out.
And now back to the
music on KLT. Remember,
for the sound that pulsates,
keep your ear to the KLT.
You wanna party?
You got the bread?
And the mayonnaise too.
Get lost, freak.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
[SPLASHING]
[FLUSHING]
[FARTING]
[CREEPY MUSIC]
[FUNK MUSIC]
Hey!
What you be doing with my woman?
[CREEPY MUSIC]
What you looking at, b*tch?
Yeah, now you're talking.
Oh, mama!
[BELCHING]
- Papa, you forgot Dupah.
- Oh!
MAN (ON TV): And now--
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): --concludes
this test of the emergency
broadcast system.
If this had been an
actual emergency,
you'd have been
blown to sh*t by now.
[STATIC]
- --serves up.
It's this week's Movie Mac,
"The Fearless Vampire k*ller."
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[CARTOON MUSIC]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[OWL HOOTING]
[CARTOON MUSIC]
- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
[GROANING]
FATHER: Dupah?
Dupah!
In here.
I should have guessed.
Here's your breakfast.
What?
Enjoying your meal?
Well, it is a little cold.
You were sleeping
late again, weren't you?
Papa, please don't
start this again.
How can I help it?
Every night you do
the same old thing.
You wake up late, pee,
then watch television.
From sun down to sun up, you
doing nothing worthwhile.
You should be out at
nights, roaming the streets,
pounding the pavement, attacking
young ladies, piercing necks.
Look at you!
You're a full grown
vampire, and you've never
bitten anyone in your life.
When I was your age,
I sucked more blood
than a California landlord.
Dad, I don't have to
hear this every night.
Well, you're not going
to hear it anymore.
You want to know why?
Because you're
going out tonight.
You're going to
seek out the victim,
and you're going to bite it.
[THUNDER]
Bite people myself?
Ewwgh!
No, ew!
You do it!
I have been the blood
winner long enough,
now it's your turn.
I'm-- I'm teething.
And I'm serious.
We had the same problem
with your older brother,
Sphincter, Lucifer
rest his soul.
[THUNDER]
I will not tolerate another
loser in the family.
Dad, that's disgusting,
actually biting people
like that and then sucking?
Ewugh.
[SCREAMING]
You will not turn
out like Sphincter.
I want you to look at how
nice your sister turned out.
She goes out at night.
She gets her own food.
She bites 15 to
20 people a week.
Yeah, and god knows
what she picks up.
Yvonne, I you to take
him out and see to it
that he bites someone tonight.
Dad!
Yes, Papa.
And don't bring him back till
he has truly lost his virtue.
Oh, act like a vampire!
Oh, and please, lay off the
ethnic humor, would you?
DUPAH: You know, I really
don't think I can do this.
Relax, there's to be a
first time for everyone.
Well, my fangs are too small.
I don't even think
I could get them in.
Size means nothing.
You have to understand,
Dupah, Papa does not want
you to turn out like Sphincter.
He never could succeed,
even though he tried.
Sphincter, Sphincter,
that's all I ever hear about.
Was he really that bad?
Much worse than you.
He even hated the
sight of blood.
DUPAH: Well, what
exactly happened to him?
I don't know.
I was taking him out
on his first blood
drive many, many years ago
to show him how to do it,
basically like I'm
taking you tonight.
As I recall, he was even
more reluctant than you.
I won't know what to do.
I've never seen
anybody do this before.
Watch me.
I took him to the
fanciest place in Burbank.
He had this habit of wearing
these ridiculous caps, which
really didn't help
his appearance.
Not that anything could.
Well, I reasoned that if
he could actually watch me
in the act of penetration,
then he'd see how
easy it was to do it himself.
- Good evening.
YVONNE: I thought I'd warm him
up by ordering a Bloody Mary.
I knew she was going to
say something like that.
YVONNE: We then scanned the
bar for some likely candidate.
Then we spotted him.
If a weasel could have a
face, that was the man.
So making sure that
Sphincter was watching,
I went over and made my move.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Excuse me for being so
bold, but are you waiting
for someone to join you?
I have been, and now
she's just arrived.
YVONNE: It was much too crowded
in the bar to be intimate,
so I asked the [INAUDIBLE]
if he had an automobile.
He said he did, so I
convinced him it would be much
more exciting out there alone.
[BREAKING GLASS]
We went out to the man's car,
and under the moonlit sky,
I had my way with him.
[THUNDER]
[CREEPY MUSIC]
Oh, I can't believe my
parents would ever do that.
Oh, Yvonne, wipe off your face.
You look like a pig.
Oh, not on my jacket.
That's my new new jacket,
I just had it washed.
Now get back in there
and do just what I did.
Oh no, I'm not
snuggling up with any guy.
With a girl, imbecile.
Oh, that's different.
OK.
YVONNE: So back he went in
search of a victim of his own.
[MUSIC - "MY BABY'S BACK"]
(SINGING) Don't care
what you wanna to do.
Everything that's cool is cool.
Don't care what you gotta say.
And my baby's here today.
My baby's back.
My baby's back.
Gonna have a good time.
[SCAT SINGING]
My baby's back.
Said, my baby's back.
We got lots of time,
and I'm feeling fine.
'Cause my love has
finally come around.
[SCAT SINGING]
YVONNE: Sometimes, things
don't go quite right
on the first attempt.
Anyway, I looked
off in the distance,
and no sooner did could say
contrived, I spotted her,
a perfect victim.
Then Sphincter saw
her, and was more than
willing to give it another try.
[CREEPY MUSIC]
Hi there!
Hi, how's the family?
Did you know Jesus loves you?
Oh great, I was--
oh no, put that away.
That's right, he loves
you, and he loves me.
You maniac, but
that cross away.
VICTIM: It's really wonderful--
SPHINCTER: OK, yeah, I know.
--that Jesus loves everybody.
SPHINCTER: Yeah, but
just-- yeah, I know.
VICTIM: Oh, the Bible tells us--
No, not the cross, you maniac!
10 million people in
this city, and I--
- He died on the cross you know?
- --get a lunatic.
Yeah, I agree.
YVONNE: The humiliation
was just too much.
That's when I had to leave.
We never saw him again.
I guess he was just too
ashamed to return home.
Oh, he was such a waste.
But you, Dupah, you can do it.
- You think so?
You have the desire.
All you need is someone
who can be gentle.
And we shall find
that person tonight.
[CHATTER]
That was the worst
movie I've ever seen.
For god's sake, Ernie,
all you do is complain.
I just thought it sucked.
Well, I liked it.
You would.
Vampires, sh*t.
Only you would be
sympathetic enough
to care about an idiot vampire
in an idiot vampire movie.
Well, I like vampire movies.
I suppose you get off on
the idea of getting bit, huh?
Ernie, bite this.
You are just too weird for me.
I've had it with you, baby.
- You liked the movie?
- Hmm?
The movie?
Oh yeah, I love horror films.
And-- and vampires?
Especially vampire films.
No kidding?
I do too.
Vampires are neat people, huh?
They sure are.
I must have seen "The
Horror of Dracula" 20 times.
- 20 times?
- Yeah.
Wow.
Oh, it's great
when Christopher
Lee bites his victims.
Oh, it just gives me chills.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Me too.
- No kidding?
No.
Really?
YVONNE: You're doing fine.
Oh, what's your name?
Delores.
Delores what?
Lane.
Delores Lane?
Hey, has anyone ever told
you your name sounds almost
like Superman's girlfriend?
Never.
Never.
What's your name?
Dupah.
Dupah?
Is that Polish?
I don't know.
YVONNE: Come on,
Dupah, make your move.
Can I buy you a drink?
No, no thank you.
Oh, come on!
Well-- well, it's
coffee or something.
We could talk more
about vampire movies.
Come on, please?
It would be fun.
Well, OK.
[ACCORDION MUSIC]
[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]
So he's ready
to pounce on her.
The theater's quiet.
The tension is mounting.
Eroticism is oozing in the air.
So what does the
jerk I'm with do?
He belches loud and clear.
I mean, the whole
mood was lost, oh!
He is such a jerk.
So why do you see him?
He gives good head.
[CHATTER]
However, Ernie's history now.
There's plenty of
nicer guys around.
Yeah, and some of them
even like vampire movies.
Oh, god, yeah!
Have you seen "Enema
Vampires" yet?
Not yet.
Oh, it's great.
I got so turned on
when the vampire
went for the girl's throat, oh!
[GROANING]
Yeah?
Some pretty good bite scenes?
Pretty good?
When he looked into her
eyes, oh, I warped my seat.
And then when he
opened his mouth
and showed those large fangs--
Oh, he had large fangs?
Well, certainly, whoever heard
of a vampire with teeny fangs?
Yeah, who?
Oh, and his castle was
so atmospherically Gothic.
I live in a castle.
You do?
Well, I've lived in
Burbank all my life,
and I've never seen a castle.
2450 Spasmatic Lane.
It's the only castle on the
block, you couldn't miss it.
Well, how long
have you lived there?
All my life.
My dad built it years ago when
my family emigrated out here.
Where are they from?
I never asked.
Oh.
Oh, it's almost light out.
It is.
Um, look, I really
like you a lot,
and I'd really like
to see you again.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Well, I-- let's see, I
have to work till midnight.
Work where?
Oh, I work at the
Holiday Health Spa.
It's over on Piggle Street.
I'm an instructress there.
Can I come by and see you?
Well, sure.
[ROOSTER CROWING]
What?
What was that?
I think it was rooster.
In the city?
Poetic license.
I've really enjoyed this a lot.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You're very sweet.
Oop!
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
[BREAKING GLASS]
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Where have you been all night?
I met a girl.
A girl?
Excellent!
Did you go all the way?
Well, not yet.
But I will, Papa, I will.
FATHER: I think you will.
What was her name?
Delores Lane.
FATHER: Hey, she has
almost the same name as--
I know, I know.
It is wonderful, son.
Now you get some sleep.
You need your strength.
I always knew sooner or
later, you would come around.
And I want you to
know that your father
is very, very proud of you.
Just remember, it's always
rough the first time.
But once you get used to
it, ha, ha, you'll love it!
Good morning, Papa.
Good morning, son.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Hey, Dupah.
Dupah, it's me, Sphincter.
Hey, wake up.
How's it going, Dupah?
Sphincter?
You died.
Thanks for the
progress report.
What are you doing here?
Keeping an eye on you.
I know you've been going
through some rough times.
I'm here to help you.
Help me?
You couldn't even help yourself.
I would have eventually
gotten the hang of it
if I hadn't of died
on my first time out.
How did you die?
I'm so ashamed.
It was only my second attempt.
DUPAH: Oh now, not
another flashback.
SPHINCTER: Don't
worry, this one's
not as long as the last one.
Anyway, it was that girl's
fault. After Yvonne split,
then hell started popping.
You mean you don't
believe Jesus loves you?
I never said that, lady.
Put that thing away, please.
You don't believe
he's our Savior?
SPHINCTER: Please,
lady, I never said that.
Let me think about it.
You don't believe he
died on the cross for us?
Let me think it over, I'll
tell you about it later.
Oh Lord, give me strength to
beat the Holy Ghost into him.
CHOIR: (SINGING) Glory
to Jesus, he's our man.
Throw the bum in a garbage can.
Hee ya!
CHOIR: (SINGING) Judo
for Jesus day and night.
He [INAUDIBLE]
[GROANING]
[INAUDIBLE] Now let's
kick his big [INAUDIBLE]..
We do [INAUDIBLE]
when Jesus calls.
We [INAUDIBLE]
SPHINCTER: The pavement
was kind of hard.
I could tell it was
hard by the sound
my skull made when it hit it.
Well, after all that d*ke's
abuse, I couldn't even move.
I was out all night.
Well, when I came to,
the sun was rising.
You want to talk about
a legitimate pisser--
I couldn't muster
any strength at all.
I tell ya, those old
vampire movies were right.
When the sun gets
you, hang it up.
You want to talk about pain?
I started splitting
and burning up.
sh*t, I felt like the
main course at Benihana's.
[GROSS NOISES]
Hey, that boy's
on fire, Martha.
Sure is.
[GROSS NOISES]
[BELCHING]
DUPAH: Wow, it sure
was rough for you.
SPHINCTER: Yeah, but it
doesn't have to be for you.
I saw you tonight, you and
that cute little tomato, Lois?
Delores.
SPHINCTER: Whatever.
She loves vampires,
she'll love you.
I saw it.
Play up to her.
I'll try.
Good.
OK, I got to go now.
I'm due at a poker game with
Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff.
Thanks, Sphincter.
It's all right.
I'll see you later.
Now don't panic.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
[SITAR MUSIC]
- Om.
Om.
Home on the range, where the
deer and the antelope play.
Like, where you been, like?
Om.
Mm, I met a man tonight.
Well, like, what
happened to Ernie?
I thought you were supposed
to be seeing him tonight,
like, for sure?
Every time Ernie and I get
together, all we do is argue.
The show-- that's all we did,
we argued all night long.
I had to sit there and
listen to him complaining
all throughout the show.
I can't stand it.
I don't want to see him anymore.
But he's so cute!
He's also a jerk.
Yeah, but I hear he
gives really good head.
I'm going to bed, I'll
see you in the morning.
Wait!
Tell me about this new guy.
Oh, he's so sweet
and sensitive.
And he loves vampire films.
You and your vampire films.
Like, when I get
to meet this guy?
Well, he said he'd
come buy the spa today.
You can meet him then.
Would that be cool?
What's his name?
Dupah.
MISTY: Is that Polish?
DELORES LANE: Uh, I think so.
Hey, what are you
doing up at this hour?
Poetic license.
Om.
Om.
[SEXY MUSIC]
[GROANING]
[SQUEALING]
m*therf*cker one.
m*therf*cker two.
So has this real sensitive
guy called you yet?
No, I haven't heard
a thing all day.
I think he was kind of like,
toying with your affections.
Mm.
Hey, after work, do you want
to like, go to the Stugat Club
and watch the male strippers?
And then like, wait till they
let the real guys in, and then
like, get them to buy us drinks
and stuff, and then like,
leave without like,
doing anything?
Hi there!
How are my two favorite
instructors do--
Ted, get off.
Do you wanna?
Hey, I heard you and Ernie
had a fight last night.
Our final fight.
TED: You mean it's finally over?
- Mm-mm.
You mean you're
available again?
Ted, please.
Hey guys, Delores
is finally available!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Tacky, Ted, tacky.
I guess that means you won't
have an escort to take you
to the pool party this weekend?
Pool party?
I told you.
You know, fun by the
pool, Friday night?
I don't remember you
mentioning it to me,
but you probably did.
Well, if you need an escort--
You'll be the first to know.
So you and Ernie
split up, huh?
Is it true that
Ernie gives great--
Hello, Delores.
Dupah!
I am so glad you
came by to see me.
Dupah?
Is that Polish?
I'm pretty sure that it is.
I'd like you to meet
some of my friends.
Dupah, I'd like you to
meet my best friend, Misty.
Hello.
For sure.
And this is my friend, Ted.
How you doing, Dupah?
Listen, I have a couple
of more hours on my shift,
so why don't you hang out
in the Jacuzzi or something,
and I'll see if I
can get off early?
Okey-dokey.
I'm sure there's
some gym clothes
in the men's locker room.
That's fantastic.
How do I find the
men's locker room?
Oh, it says like, men's
locker room on the door.
Come on, I'll show you.
Bye.
She left Ernie for him?
Well, he may have some
great redeeming value.
Yeah, like what?
Well, who am I to judge?
I mean, maybe he has
a great personality.
Yeah, well, I think she
just got tired of macho guys
like me and Ernie.
Besides, I think she's
out to make a fresh start.
Hey, guys, Delores
has a new boyfriend.
[GROANING]
See it.
Well, it's never too
late to make a fresh start.
After all, today is the first
day of the rest of her life.
If today is the first
day, then tomorrow
is the second, and next week--
wow!
It certainly is hot in here.
The bubbles tickle my n*pples.
I've never been in
one of these before.
Better still,
you'll last longer.
What kept you?
I was beginning to think
that you wouldn't show.
Hm?
Tell W the charade is working.
Everyone out there
thinks I'm a real actor.
I beg your pardon?
But I don't think I can
pull it off much longer.
Some people are beginning
to detect my phony accent.
Hopefully, I'll have this
assignment wrapped up by June.
Any questions?
Yeah, who's W?
Our boss.
Our boss?
Aren't you Felix Matches?
No, my name is Dupah.
Is that Polish?
Isn't this the Happy
Day Health Spa?
No, this is the
Holiday Health Spa.
sh*t!
[SPY MOVIE MUSIC]
How's it going?
Did you get around
to biting her yet?
Sphincter!
You going to bite her or not?
Later.
Don't be nervous.
Just kiss her a little bit.
And when you get her
hot, stick 'em in.
I don't want to hurt her.
Oh, it only
hurts for a second.
After that, she won't
be able to get enough.
DUPAH: How do you know,
you never got any?
Hey, hey, let's
not get personal.
(LAUGHING) How'd you do that?
Hm?
I never even saw
your lips move.
No, really, that was very good.
I know, I used to
practice ventriloquism
myself before it happened.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
It?
I used to play,
sing, dance, bowl, ski.
I did it all before it happened.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
And thank god there's no
full moon out tonight.
What's wrong?
You'll think I'm crazy.
No I won't.
Well, I'm a queerwolf.
A what?
A queerwolf.
You see, years ago
during the full moon,
I was bitten by a q*eer.
Ever since then, when the
moon rises, I become one.
Uh-huh.
You don't what it's like.
I go through a change.
My eyelashes become longer,
my lips become redder,
my hair becomes curlier.
I-- I have trouble
keeping my wrist straight.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
You don't know
the worst of it.
Every morning after the
transformation's taken place,
I wake up with the worst
pain in my backside.
Uh, there's no full
moon out tonight.
Half moon.
Half moon?
That makes me bi.
Heh, heh, that's--
that's good.
OK, [INAUDIBLE]
nice talking to you.
Oh?
Listen, I got
somebody over there.
Even a wrist that's strong and
firm, and holds itself up high
may become limp when the moon
is out and the owner becomes bi.
[CREAKING DOOR]
[THUNDER]
[MOANING]
[THUNDER]
[PANTING]
[MOANING]
You gonna do it?
Yes!
Now?
Yes!
Go for it.
Oof.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry.
Stuff like that's
happened to me before too.
It has?
Sure.
Try it again.
Give it a shot.
Don't f*ck up.
Will you get out of here
and let me do this myself?
[GASPING]
[CRUNCHING]
Oh, Jesus.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
None of that in here.
We're not smoking.
You would have been
in another minute.
I just can't get--
USHER: This is a family theater.
DUPAH: I'm sorry.
Sorry?
Is that all you got to say?
We got f*cking kids in here.
They sees youse doing
what you're doing,
they get out of here,
and they get ideas.
they want to try it too.
And they go home, and there's
nobody for them to do it with.
So they watch television,
and they're frustrated.
Then they go out
and get a stranger.
And the stranger gives them
VD, and they get really sick
and hate women altogether.
So then they get a hacksaw.
Deviants!
(YELLING) Put that out!
Do you know how many people
get lung cancer every year?
Children see you doing that, and
they go home, and they try it.
And they get hooked.
They smoke, get cancer,
and they get a hacksaw.
You see it on tele--
[EMERGENCY BROADCAST TONE]
Movie finish early?
No, we decided
to cut it short.
Oh, that's far out.
Do you guys want
to like, be alone
and fool around and stuff?
No, I just came
in to say goodnight.
Uh, Delores, there's
something I've
been thinking about
all the way home,
and I really have to tell you.
Either of you guys
want some cold chicken?
Because like, I
bought some earlier,
but I couldn't eat it all.
And besides, I hate dark meat.
No, thank you.
Um, there's really something
I think you should know.
See, do you-- do you like me?
,
Oh, yes, very much.
I'm glad.
Delores--
MISTY: There's a
six-pack of Gatorade
too if you want
any of that, like.
Meeting you was the best
thing that ever happened to me.
And well, I want to make sure
I keep no secrets from you
whatsoever.
See, I'm different
from other guys.
Now I'm a little apprehensive
about saying this to you,
but I know you'll accept
me and, you'll accept--
Hey, is that only
outfit you own, like?
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Uh, but my pearls?
Moody, isn't he?
What are you watching?
Television.
Real boring movie.
You're watching
a test pattern.
God, If I thought it was a
test, I would have studied.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
[THUNDER]
Thanks for the help.
Well?
Maybe.
You blew it again, stupid.
Papa, please don't nag me now.
I'll do more than nag you.
How would you like to wake up
with garlic in your coffin?
You're a disgrace.
And you won't get any
more food from me.
You can starve yourself
for all I care.
Maybe if you get hungry enough,
you'll do the right thing.
Tomorrow.
I'm going to tell her tomorrow.
You don't tell her!
You bite!
Her!
You don't ask for
permission, you just do it.
She may not respect
me afterwards,
I'm going to tell her first.
You're so stupid.
Stupid!
You're going to wind up
just like your brother,
another loser.
Tomorrow, I'm going
to tell her tomorrow.
I just need more time
to warm up to her.
You couldn't warm up to her
if you were cremated together.
[HUMMING]
How's it going?
Hey, Misty?
Misty?
[SQUEALING]
- Oh, god, Ernie!
- Ooh!
Hey, you're looking good, girl.
How you doing?
God, didn't you know
that every time you
startle a person, that
person loses like,
five minutes out of their life?
- Sorry.
Well look, I'll let you
have 10 minutes of mine.
So where's your roommate?
What are you
doing here, anyway?
Well, wasn't it nice of Ted
to invite me to his party?
Is Delores coming tonight?
She's not interested.
Who said I was?
You did.
Like, every time
you mention her,
like, your pants get tighter.
Well, I'm maybe just
a little interested.
Mm-hm.
She's seeing someone else.
She is?
She thinks you're a jerk.
Then why did she go
out with me so long?
You give good he--
Hey, hey, Ernie,
how you doing?
Hi, Ted.
Fine, how are you?
Good.
Good to see you.
You look good.
- Thanks, yeah, well.
We're going to have a
hot party here tonight.
That's what I hear.
Yeah, we got
food, booze, chicks.
Hey, hey!
Under the moonlight
by the pool.
I was thinking-- that
number you guys did
last year at the Christmas orgy,
could you do it tonight for us?
Ooh, that'd be cool.
Good, good.
I got to get ready,
I got guests coming.
But I'll see you guys later.
- OK, guy.
TED: All right.
One, two, one, two, three, four!
[ROCK BAND PLAYING]
Who's the corpse?
Shh, that's Delores's date.
[CRAZY STOMACH GROWING]
[APPLAUSE]
MISTY: Looking all over for
you, like, where have you been,
jeez?
- Hey, baby, how you doing?
I've been looking
for you all night.
Hi.
- Oh whoa, don't light a match.
So how you doing?
I thought I made it
very clear I don't want
to see you any more, Ernie.
Come on, baby, I know
we could work it out.
I don't want to work it out.
I know you're seeing someone
else, and I don't care.
Look, we'll tell them
to buzz off together.
You buzz off.
Oh, come on, Delores.
Hey, like leave
her alone, Ernie.
Really?
Thanks, you've been a big help.
Anything wrong, Delores?
Everything's fine, darling.
Darling?
Darling?
When did you start
dating Prince Valiant?
- Hey, hey, hey, how you doing?
- Hi.
Hi, Ted.
You got a number coming up.
Come on, get ready.
Come on!
Wasn't that--
That the jerk.
I don't think he liked me.
It really doesn't
matter, I like you.
Can we go someplace
and be alone?
Sure.
Where do you want to go?
Um, how about there?
You sly devil, you.
Hang on, I'll go get a drink
and I'll meet you right there.
TED: May I have your attention?
Ladies and gentlemen, together
again, Sonny and Cher.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC - "ALL I EVER NEED IS
YOU"]
(SINGING) Sometimes when
I'm down and all alone, oh,
honey, honey, just like
a child without a home,
my honey, honey, the love
you give me keeps me hanging.
On, honey, all I
ever need is you.
(SINGING) You're my
first love, you're my last.
MISTY: (SINGING)
Oh, honey, honey.
ERNIE: (SINGING) You're
my future, you're my past.
MISTY: (SINGING)
My honey, honey.
ERNIE: (SINGING) And loving
you is all I ask, honey.
All I ever need is you.
Winters come and they go.
Hey, Delores, where you going?
You promised me a dance.
I'm going to meet
someone right now,
I really can't dance with you.
Come on, you promised me
that you'd dance with me.
Come on, one dance.
I really have to go.
What's more important
than me right now,
hey, when you can dance with me?
I'm going to do it,
I'm going to do it,
I'm going to do it [SQUEALING]
[CAT MEOWING]
Scat!
[CAT MEOWING]
I said scat!
[SCAT SINGING]
MISTY & ERNIE: (SINGING) As
we watch the melting sun.
Sure as summers follows
spring, all the things you do.
Give me a reason to to
build my world around you.
Some men follow
rainbows, I am told.
(SINGING) Oh, honey, honey.
(SINGING) Some men search
for silver, some for gold.
(SINGING) My honey, honey.
(SINGING) I have
found my treasure
in your soul, my honey.
All I ever need is you.
(SINGING) Da, da
da, da, da, da, da.
(SINGING) honey, honey.
(SINGING) Da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da, da.
(SINGING) My hone, honey.
I won't sleep at night
until you say, my honey.
(SINGING) All I ever
need is you, whoa, yeah!
[APPLAUSE]
My darling!
I've been waiting so
long for this moment,
and now the two of us will
be together forever and ever
and ever and ever and ever!
Hey, you're that nice
guy I met in the Jacuzzi
the other night.
Did you notice that
full moon out there?
I told you!
[LAUGHTER]
Now I want to make sure I keep
no secrets from you whatsoever.
You see, I'm different from
other guys. (ECHOING) Different
from other guys.
Different from other guys.
Different from other guys.
I don't mean to be rude,
but would you please leave?
We'd like to be alone.
Oh, my god!
- Excuse me.
- Wait!
Fickle.
Don't touch me.
No, it's not what you
think, really, it's--
What was that all about?
Well, that's because
there's a moon out tonight.
You see, I'm not like
other guys, honest.
But I mean, he does that.
Oh, Dupah, please
don't be a fairy.
I don't think I could handle it.
DUPAH: I've got to do it.
I've got to do it now.
[LOUD HEARTBEATS]
I don't know what's
the problem with me.
DUPAH: One little bite.
You can do it.
Sometimes, I get so moody.
My period started two days ago.
DUPAH: That could
make things easier.
Oh, all I know is I
really do care for you.
DUPAH: Well, here goes.
MISTY: Hey, everybody,
the sun's coming up.
PARTY GUESTS: Oooh, pretty!
I got to go.
Oh, ah!
[CHATTER]
That's a shoe, like.
He dropped it on his way out.
You want to, like, try
and sell it to an amputee?
I'll take it to him
on my way to work.
You really have a crush
on that little guy, huh?
He's strange.
He's like nobody
I've ever met before.
Well, it's never too
late to make a fresh start.
Remember, today is the first
day of the rest of your life.
What does that make yesterday?
[CHATTER]
[POLKA MUSIC]
[CAR HORN]
[SCREECHING TIRES]
[CAR HORN]
[SCREECHING TIRES]
DRIVER: (YELLING) as*h*le!
[GRUNTING]
[SPEAKING POLISH]
[BIRDS SINGING]
[DOG BARKING]
[CREAKING]
DELORES LANE: Hello?
Dupah?
Anybody home?
[WATER DRIPPING]
Dupah?
[RUMBLING]
[RATS SQUEAKING]
[CRAZY STOMACH GROWLING]
[CREAKING]
Dupah?
Dupah!
Delores!
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to
bring you your shoe.
What are you doing in this?
This is my bed.
I sleep here, I'm--
I'm a vampire.
Right.
Oh yeah?
Look!
Your tonsils?
No, my teeth.
Well, a little flossing
will take care of that.
Oh, go away.
Hey listen, if you
really are a vampire,
then why haven't you bitten me?
Because I respected
you too much.
Now-- now will you
please go away?
And don't slam the lid.
[CREAKING]
[WATER DRIPPING]
[CRAZY STOMACH GROWLING]
What are you doing?
I'm sharing in
your kinky fantasy.
You obviously went to a great
deal of trouble to impress me,
so the least I can do is
patronize your ambitions.
[CREAKING]
DUPAH: You mean you'll
let me bite you?
DELORES LANE: (LAUGHING) Uh-huh.
DUPAH: Honest?
DELORES LANE:
(LAUGHING) Oh, I'm sure.
DUPAH: You're not afraid?
DELORES LANE: Uh-huh.
DUPAH: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
OK, I'm going to bite you now.
OK.
- OK, here goes.
- OK.
[LAUGHTER]
This isn't funny.
Now come on, relax.
(LAUGHING) I'm
sorry, it tickles.
I'm going to try it again.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you laughing?
What is so funny?
What are you giggling about?
I'm sorry, try again.
(LAUGHING) I promise
I won't laugh.
(GIGGLING) It's just so
funny and so theatrical.
The coffin, the castle.
Oh my god, you're biting me.
[MOANING]
[MUSIC - "THEME FROM ROCKY"]
CHOIR: (SINGING)
Sucking blood now.
You're a stud now.
Suck out blood now.
Yeah!
Yeah!
I'd like to see Dolores?
She's not here.
Well, where is she?
I don't know.
She didn't show up for work.
She's probably spending
time with her boyfriend.
Do you mind if
I come in, Misty?
Sure.
I was just going
to roll a joint.
Want some?
Yeah, yeah, maybe
just a little.
Was I good?
Mm, you were fantastic.
I've never felt so fulfilled.
Do you want to hear a secret?
What?
You were my first.
Honest?
Mm, I'm so flattered.
[CHUCKLING]
Do it again.
Again?
Now?
Now.
Now!
[WILD LAUGHTER]
[ROCK MUSIC]
Oh god.
[INAUDIBLE]
[GIGGLING]
Yah, blast off!
[SQUEALING]
I never thought it
could be like this.
I never even imagined.
The touch of your teeth,
the feel of my blood
becoming yours, the beating
of our hearts in unison.
Oh, Dupah, you're so wonderful,
so sensitive, so caring.
How was it for you?
[SNORING]
Dupah!
You're all alike.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
[GROANING]
[LAUGHTER]
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[CACKLING]
Ah, heck, Misty.
I love her, you know that?
I know.
Do you think she loves me?
Nope.
[GIGGLING]
Why not?
Because you're a jerk.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I'm not a--
I'm not a jerk.
Yeah you are.
Am not.
Are too.
- Am not.
- Are too.
- Am not.
- Are too.
- Am not, I'm--
- Are too, are too, are too.
D2.
[WILD LAUGHTER]
But I'm-- I'm kind
of a nice guy.
I've got everything
a girl would want.
What?
Well, I've got--
well, geez, what do I have?
I have--
You've got me.
I have Boardwalk and a hotel.
I have poise.
Uh-huh?
And good looks.
I have hair on my chest.
Delores loves that.
I think I'm going to be sick.
You know, she's been
gone an awfully long time.
Maybe we ought to call the
police, what do you think,
Misty?
Guy, don't be a dumb jerk.
She's out with Doofus,
and they're probably
fooling around or something.
Yeah.
She'll come home
when they're done.
[BELCHING]
She probably won't be too
happy to see you here, either.
[STRANGE NOISES]
I think I'm going to go to bed.
How about a Lay?
[WILD LAUGHTER]
Don't forget this.
Ooh, my Rubik's Cube.
You can let yourself out.
Oh.
Oh, god, what time is it?
Can't just-- oh, these
are getting heavier here--
[CREAKING]
Huh?
[CHOIR SINGING]
Oh, gee.
[WIND BLOWING]
Hi, Delores.
Oh gee, I missed you, baby.
Hey, come on, look, I'm sorry I
condemned your taste in movies.
Right, we all make mistakes.
Now look, you want
it, I want it.
Let's let bygones
be bygones, huh?
Come on, baby.
You're talking to
old golden tongue.
[CREEPY SINGING]
I knew you wanted me.
I knew it.
[SCREAMING]
[YAWNING]
How's it going?
[SCREAMING]
Will you learn to
knock or something?
Where's Delores?
I saw you do it,
you son-of-a-g*n, you.
Do what?
The old fang bang.
It was great.
DUPAH: Where is she?
Oh, she stormed out of
here about an hour ago.
Stormed out?
Yeah, I guess she wanted
to bask in the afterglow.
Women, huh?
Now where are you going?
It's almost light out.
I've got to find her
and bring her back here.
You can't go out now.
But you can!
Sphincter, would you find for
me and bring her back here?
Why?
The sun is going to come up.
She'll need a coffin,
she could die.
Don't be an as*h*le.
Forget her.
You got your piece of neck.
And you'll find other
people, and they'll
be just as much fun.
Listen to me, you
four-eyed b*ner.
Now you better help me out, OK?
Now you go to the health
spa, check her apartment,
but get her back here!
Yeesh, you do
like to give orders.
Maybe what you need is
a bony foot up your a*s,
and I'm just the-- oh, sh*t--
I'm just the one that could--
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Wait a minute.
You're in love with
a girl you bit?
(LAUGHING) That's
absolutely ridiculous.
You can't keep biting the same
person over and over again,
you know?
You mean I have to do this
again with somebody else?
Oh, sh*t.
What did you think?
One person has an
endless supply?
I'd rather die than
have to go through
this again with somebody else.
You will die you
don't go through
this again with somebody else.
You'll feel better after
a good day's sleep.
Sure.
[CREAKING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CREAKING]
Did you find her?
- Well, sort of.
- Well, where is she?
Is she all right?
Hi, Dupah.
Delores?
Well, I guess it's true
what they say about sunlight
and vampires, huh?
Is that all you can say?
How about oops?
Oh, Delores.
Don't worry about it, kid.
It's a natural mistake.
Let's go.
Where are you two going?
Among the corpses,
where we belong.
And what am I to do?
Dupah, you're
being a big baby.
You don't need me, and you
don't need her anymore.
Just go out there and
bite on, you know?
Put more notches
on the old fangs.
What we had was
wonderful, Dupah.
And I'll never, ever forget you.
I love you.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Do you know he's called
me a four-eyed b*ner?
[PIANO PLAYING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[POLKA MUSIC]
Wait for me!
[SQUEALING]
Hey!
[CHOIR SINGING]
Now I'll never get
to jump her bones.
[DOG BARKING]
Huh?
What the?
Hey!
[DOG GROWLING]
Hey!
Hey!
Git!
Get away from that! stop that!
Where's your owner?
That's a person's foot
you're chomping into.
Hey, hey!
Come back here with that!
[DOG GROWLING]
[CARTOON MUSIC]
Come on, give me my foot back!
You get your tail
back over here,
you no good puppy of a b*tch.
I mean it, I'll make a
Chihuahua out of you.
Listen to me, I am
going to-- uh-oh.
Ooh, wait a minute.
Oh, hold on, no, I
was just kidding.
No--
[DOG BARKING]
Let's talk this over-- whoa!
Now this really pisses me off.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
[CHOIR SINGING]
[POLKA MUSIC]
[CREEPY SINGING]
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A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1983)
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