03x20 - First Class Coach

[bunniefuu]

Wow. Hey, that was
some great meal, dee.

Right. I can't believe
they taught you to cook
like this in home economics.

Me, neither.

That's why I wanted
to try it out on you guys.

Well, I give you
an "a" plus.

An "a" plus?

Yeah. An "a"
for what I ate

Plus I'm ready
for dessert.

And here it is:
blueberry pie.

Mmm.

Mmm. Beautiful.

What're
they gonna have?

Rerun.

You know, you gotta be fast
around rerun.

Yeah, faster
than a speeding b*llet.

Able to eat tall pizzas
in a single bite.

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?

No, it's super-mouth.

[Knocking on door]

I'll get it.

Hi, sweetcakes.

Hi, sweetcakes.

Hi, guys.

[All]
hi, little earl.

What's
with the outfit?

This is my basketball
warm-up suit.

Not that I need it.

With you in the room,
I warm up anyway.

You play basketball?

On whose shoulders?

Look, baby, I may be short,
but we're all short.

Our school
has a small fry league,

And I'm in it.

[Raj]
oh, that's great to hear,
little earl.

Hi, guys.
Hey, little earl.

Hey, how's it goin',
little earl?

You know, I was
a great basketball player

When I was your age.

I had a feel of the court.

And the shape
of the ball.

Sit down and have
a piece of that pie

Before it's all gone.

Gee, all those good looks

And she can cook, too.

Hey, little earl,
what team do you play for?

The tigers.

Sounds like fun.

It's the pits.

What?

All we do is practice,
practice and more practice.

Well, it can be rough,
little earl,

But you have to
practice a lot
if you expect to win.

But that's just it.
We don't win.

We get k*lled.
We've lost every game.

Sounds like to me
you've got a rotten coach.

Who is the turkey?

My dad.

Great coach, great.

I don't know if he's great,
but he sure is tough.

[Knocking on door]

That must be dad.
We're going to practice.

Hey, detective barnett.

That's coach barnett.

[Whistles]

Ah, hi, guys. Dee.
[Rerun]
how's it goin', big earl?

Why don't you fellows
open a window,
get some fresh air in here?

That's the secret
of staying fit.

Plenty of
deep breathing,

Plenty of exercise,
proper diet.

Uh-- son, what's that slop
you're eating?

Slop?

It's dee's blueberry pie.

Oh. Sorry, dee.

Uh, son, no pie
before practice, huh?

Ok, dad.

That's coach.

And you just got yourself
an extra 2 laps
around the gym.

Oh, gee.

Mmm,
good slop, dee.

Hey, dwayne, I understand
you're a pretty darn good
basketball player.

Is that true?
Oh, I don't know.

Oh, he's great.
He's just being modest.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and he's been
one of the high point men

At jefferson high
for the last 2 years.

So what? Who cares?

He has a 20-point average.

That's 22, raj.

Hey, dwayne, i-- I'd like you
to do me a favor.

See, I'm working
on a stakeout downtown.

We're trying to break-up
a hijacking operation,

And the department needs
every man it can get.

Oh, uh, well,
I'll do whatever I can,

Long as I don't have to
sh**t anybody.

No. No, dwayne.

W-what I'm trying to say
is that I'll be tied up
for a while,

And I'd like you
to fill in for me as coach.

Wow, me a coach?
I don't know.

I played basketball
but I don't know
that much about coaching.

You couldn't hurt anything.
We're 0-and-6.

[Blowing whistle]

Now it's that
kind of attitude that
keeps us from winning.

Sorry, dad.

Coach.

Well, what do you say,
dwayne?

You can come down
to practice, watch us.

I'll show you my system.
Should be a breeze.

How about it, dwayne?

It could be
an interesting opportunity.

And fun, too.

How about it, dwayne,
will you do it?

Ok, coach, it's a deal.

Hey, all right.
Thanks, coach.

Well, let's get going.

Idle hands never won
a basketball game.

Come on, tiger,
up and at 'em.

Can't have you
standing around here
getting' soft.

Hey, how 'bout you guys?
You wanna come along?

No, thanks, big earl,
but I'm not that wild
about basketball.

Me, neither.

Besides, they have to
stay here and help me
with the dishes,

Clean the house,
and take out the garbage.

Well, small fry basketball

Sounds very
interesting, raj.

Yeah. As a matter of fact,
it's my favorite sport.

I love watching tiny
little people dribbling.

Hold it.
Before you skip out,

There's one more course
to the meal.

Hey, I think I still got
a little room left.

What is it?

The check.

Can it.

All right, dwayne, that's
the way to run a practice.

Did you ever see all that
energy before? Such pep.

You see 'em
passing the ball around?

Ok, tigers, let's look alive.
Come on, hustle in.

[Blows whistle]

I got a cramp.

All right, team,
good practice session.

But next time I'd like to see
a little more hustle
out there.

[All protesting]

It was the 20 laps
that did it.

Hey, watch
how I handle this.

[Blows whistle]

A-ok, team,
look alive. I...

What is it, winslow?

[Boy whispers]
yeah, but make it snappy,
will you?

Ok, now some of you men
were dogging it out there

During the wind sprints.

Especially you, barnett.

I got a charley horse.

Where?

All over my body.

Good. Remember
what I told you.

[Both]
when the going gets rough,
the body gets tough.

You might wanna
remember that one, dwayne.

[Locker slamming]
oh, yeah,
that was a good one.

Ok, now some of you men
were messing up
my plays out there.

Especially you, eddie.

I made 2 baskets.

Yay, 2 out of 73.

Look, there are
no stars on my team.

Stars get the name,
but teams win the game.

Ok, hurry it up, winslow,
get in here,

'Cause I've got some--
I got some news
for you guys.

I got good news
and bad news.

First, the bad news.

I'm not gonna be here
for a while.

[Exclaims]

And now the good news:

Dwayne here is gonna
take over for me.

[All cheering]

Good! Good,
you like him.

Hey, listen now,
don't think that

Just because I'm not
gonna be here that
things are gonna be easy.

Dwayne's gonna run practice
the same way I do.

Coach nelson, take over.

Where's, um, dwayne?

Uh, he hasn't been around
in a couple of days.

Oh, he's been
busy all week.

He's, uh, coaching
little earl's basketball team.

Hey, that--
that's great.

I always knew that
dwayne would be good
around little kids.

Yeah, I think it's wonderful.

You know, working
with youngsters,
teaching them...

Hey, hey, hey.

[Children whooping]

[Children]
all right.

Hey, what is this?

The invasion
of the ant people?

Rob, give
my team over there

Anything they want.
It's on me.

Yes, sir, coach.

You want me to do
10 pushups first, huh?

I'm sorry, rob.

I guess I'm gettin' used to
bossing people around.

Would you please see
what the team would like?

And you're paying,
right, coach?

Yeah. It may blow up
my whole allowance

But they deserve it.

[Whispers]

Hi, doll baby.

Hi, little earl.

I got something
real special for you.

A present.

Wow! A torn sneaker.

Something I've always
wanted. Thanks.

This is not any old
torn sneaker.

This is the team sneaker.

It has the autograph of every
single player on the team.

There's mine.

A team sneaker?
I'm flattered.

I've never been
given one before.

I knew you'd love it.

Some day you can hang it
from your car mirror.

Thanks a lot.

It's nothing.

It's just something
a jock does

To impress a beautiful chick.

You know what I mean.

Hey, guys, what's up?
Hi, dwayne.

Hey, coach.

Hey, it seems like your team
is pretty loose.

Well, I hope so.
Tomorrow night
is their big game.

Tomorrow night?
Shouldn't they be practicing?

Hey, well,
the guys are tired, man.

The game is
supposed to be fun.

How can they have fun
if they're tired?

So I gave them the day off.
Keep 'em loose.

Hey, you'd better
not tell big earl,

Or he'll blow his top
and his whistle.

Hey, rerun, I can't
do it big earl's way.

I've got
my own system.

You mean, there's more
than one way
to coach 9-year-olds?

Sure. Dwayne's way
they'll live to be 10.

Keep 'em loose,
right, coach?

[Children screaming]

[All]
all right!

[All cheering]

[All]
we won! We won!

[Banging on locker]
all right!

All right, guys!

See, I told you,

If we just stayed loose,
we'd win!

[All cheering]

You did it, coach nelson,
you did it!

All right!
3 Cheers for coach nelson.

Yeah.

[All]
yeah, dwayne!

Go, go, go!

Oh. All right.

Yeah! Wait, guys, guys,
whoa, whoa.

Save it for when we win
the championship, ok?

[All chattering]

[Drawling]
hello, sports fans.

I'm here in
the winner's locker room.

The mood of these superbly
conditioned athletes

Can only be described
as jubilant.

I'm going to try
and wing my way

Through
the crusty crowd

And try to get
a word in with the coach.

Coach nelson,

Tell this reporter,
in your own words,

What the key to this
closely fought,

Vicious victory was.

Getting through the game

Without any of the kids
having to go to the bathroom.

[Children laughing]

Let's hear it
for winslow.

[All]
yeah, winslow!

Go, go, go!

Thank you.

We're number one!
We're number one!

[All cheering]

Yeah! Great going,
great going, great.

Hold it, pal. This is
the players locker room.

Here, t-- here's a dime.
Go get yourself
a nourishing meal.

It's me, it's me.
Great goin', guys. Great--

Speaking of going,
going--

Rerun,
it's big earl.

[All]
oh...
Give me my dime back.

Dad, is that you in there?
Yeah, son, it's me.

I had to rush right over
from the stakeout.
I didn't have time to change.

We won, dad, we won!

I know, I know. I caught
the last few minutes.

You guys were great,
just great. Great.

You too, winslow.

Hey, see, I told you all that
hard work would pay off.

Hey, dwayne, thanks a lot.
That was some fine job.

Oh, coach, it was nothing.

I know.
But thanks anyway.

Hey, guys, good news.
I'll be finished with
the stakeout tomorrow night

And then I'll be back.

Hey, dwayne, listen.

I want you to feel free
to come by any time.

If you like,
you can sit on the bench.

Oh, wow. Look at the time.
I have to run.

Uh, fellows, listen. Uh,
I want you to take 5 laps,

Do 20 pushups and
half-a-dozen
deep knee bends, huh?

[Children]
what?

Now, now, that ought to
be enough.
You've had a hard day.

Come on, little earl,
I'll drive you home.

You can do your pushups
in the back seat.

Hey, fellows, I'll see
the rest of you next week.

And then we can start
some real practice, huh?

It's gonna be work,
work, work.

Together we can go
all the way.

Come here, guys.

Well, it was fun
while it lasted.

You were
a great coach, coach.

Yeah. You should be
proud of yourself,
dwayne.

Hey, guys,
congratulations.

We had a ball, huh?

Coach nelson, man,
we don't want you to go.

No, I have to.

No you don't.

Well, sure I do.
You heard coach barnett.

He'll be back next week.

No, he won't.

What?

You're our regular coach now.
We voted him out.

You mean you voted
little earl's dad out?

That's right.
We don't want him anymore.

Oh, wow.

[All]
all right.

[All cheering]

Man, what a mess.

How do you tell a dad
that his son's team
doesn't want him,

And then tell the son

That his teammates
decided to dump his dad?

Man!
I don't know.

You need help.

Yeah.

From someone
with a way with words.

Someone with
the gift for gab.

A diplomat.

I think I can
handle it for you.

Hey, thanks, rerun.

Don't mention it.

Go to it, raj.

Thank you, howard cosell.

Uh, but, dwayne, if you
want me to speak to big earl,
I don't mind.

Hey, thanks, raj.

But what are you
gonna say to him?

[Sighs]
i-- I'll think
of something.

[Knocking on door]

Well, you better
start thinking.
That's probably them now.

Hi, rerun.

How's it goin',
little earl?

[Both]
hey, little earl.

Come on in, dad,
don't be shy.

Sorry, ma'am,
we gave at the office.

Ok, look, just
don't make fun
of the disguise, huh?

It's bad enough being
pinched by cab drivers.

You look beautiful,
big earl.

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Something's all wrong.
The purse is too big.
Yeah, yeah.

You know, I had
a little beaded one
that was just lovely,

But it was too small
for my lipstick
and blackjack.

The guys on the team
should see him now.

Hey, big earl, uh, can I
talk to you for a minute?

It's about something
really important.

Uh, can it wait, raj?

I'll be off duty
in a couple of hours

And I'd really rather
talk to you when I'm in pants.

Ok.

Well, terrific.
Thanks a lot.
I'm due back on stakeout.

Hey, dwayne,
I just dropped over
to find out

If you could cover practice
for me one more day.

Oh, yeah, sure. Raj?

Terrific. Thanks a lot.
You wouldn't mind taking
little earl along, would you?

No, no, not at all.
Good.

Give the team
a good stiff workout
'cause I'll be back tomorrow.

You will?
Yeah. So keep 'em
running, moving, jumping.

Oh, have eddie work
on his jump shots.

Oh, drat!

There goes my pantyhose.

I'll see you guys later.

Raj, you were
supposed to tell him.

Tell him what, dwayne?

Huh? Oh, uh, nothing,
nothing at all.

It's about my dad, isn't it?

Yeah. That's right.
It is about your dad.

I know.

You're worried
about me being raised
by a man in a dress.

No, that's not it,
little earl.

Hey, I mean, you like dwayne
as the coach, don't you?

Yeah, he's terrific.

Yeah, well, you know,
the rest of the team feels
the same way you do.

I know.

And that's why they've...

[Mumbling]

What?

Uh, that's why
they voted dwayne in

As the new coach.

They did what?

They voted dwayne in
as the new coach.

What about dad?

They voted him out,
little earl.

[Sighs]

Hey, look, little earl,
I tried to talk 'em out of it,

But they wouldn't listen.

I can't believe
they did that.

Don't take it so hard,
little earl.

They didn't know
what they were doing.

They're just
a bunch of little kids.

Hey,
where are you goin'?

Back upstairs.

What--
what about practice?

I wanna be alone for a while.

Poor little kid.

Hey, look, raj,
I gotta do something.

Well, you tried, dwayne.

There's not
much more you can do.

Maybe there is, raj.

56, 57, 58, 59...

Winslow!

61, 62, 63,

64, 65...
Oh, I can't...

[Blows whistle]
hey, what's happening?

Hold it. Winslow,
take a break, take a break.

What's the matter
with you guys? You getting
soft or something?

Soft? Are you kidding?
This is the toughest practice
we've ever had.

Coach, can't we quit now?

Quit? This is
only the beginning.

Look at you, danny,
you're in bad shape.

Look at all that flab
around your middle.

Coach, I'm 9 years old.
It's baby fat.

Knock it off, danny.
Just remember,

You'll never be a winner,
fellow, if you let
your body turn to jell-o.

What happened to you, coach?
You're k*lling us.

And last week
you were a pussycat.

That's when you were losers.

Now you're
on a winning streak.
One in a row.

[Blows whistle]
all right,
let's go, team.

Look alive.
Come on, tigers.

67, 68, 68, 69.

Coach, please,
we can't take this.

Hi guys.
[All]
hey, earl.

You're late,
little earl.

Put on your uniform
and do 20 laps.

Not anymore, coach.
I'm quitting.

I just came here
to clear out my locker.

Hey, earl,
you can't quit.

Yeah. You're
our only substitute.

Coach nelson's
running our legs off.

Come on, earl,
you gotta stay.

We need you.

Well, I'm quitting anyways.
I can't play on the team,

Not after
you got rid of my father.

Look, earl,
we like your father, ok?

But he was a rotten coach.

Maybe he was,
but at least he was here.

When we needed a coach,
he volunteered.

I didn't see any
of your dads around here.

Well, mine is busy.

I mean, he would've done it
if he had time.

Yeah? Well, my dad's a cop.

He's on call night and day,

But he found time.

Where was your dad, danny?

Well...busy.

I--i mean, well... You know.

Yeah, I know.

Look, maybe my dad
wasn't perfect,

But at least he came
out here to help us

And he did his best.

He was too tough, earl.

So maybe he got
a little carried away,

But he tried.

And remember,
the plays he gave us

Won the game for us.

[Inaudible]

Hey, coach,
could we have a minute?

[Sighs]
ok.

[Blows whistle]
time out. You go 30 seconds.

[Blows whistle]
that's long enough.

Ok, now here it is.
Do pushups.

Uh, just one more minute,
coach?

All right, hurry it up.
'Cause we have to try
our new stretching exercises.

I want you all
6 inches taller by saturday.

Hey, big earl,
I wanna talk to you
about the team.

Yeah, great bunch of kids,
aren't they, raj?

Yes.
Of course,
they lack discipline,

But that's my job.
Yeah. Big earl,

A lot of times when adults
are coaching little kids,

They forget they are--
they are coaching little kids

And--and not adults--

Hey, roger. I know
exactly what you mean.

I've seen some of those
kiddie league fathers
trying to win at any cost,

Taking all the fun out of
the game for the youngsters.

Yes.
Well, that's why
I took over the team.

I don't want one of
those jerks coaching my kids.

[Sighs]
but see...

What i--
that's what I wanna...

Big earl.

Cheer up.
Don't take it so hard.

Look at me.
I always bounce back.

I've been thrown out
of plenty of things.

Schools, jobs,
friends' kitchens.

Thrown out?

Friends' bathrooms,
friends' bedrooms.

Thrown out?
What are you talking about?

You mean,
you didn't tell him, raj?

No, rerun. You did.

Uh-oh,
super-mouth does it again.

[Sighs]
the team decided

To vote you out
as coach, big earl.

What? Kicked out?

By a bunch
of 9-year-olds?

I can't believe it.

Oh, come on, big earl,
it's not the end of the world.

Yeah, but how could they
do this to me, raj? I...

You mean, I was acting like
one of those adult jerks?

Yeah.

Don't take it so hard,
big earl.

They're only
a bunch of nutty kids.

Yeah, but one of
those kids is my own son.

Hey, don't worry about that.
He knew nothing about
them voting you out.

Oh?
He just found out
a while ago

And he took it
real hard.

He did?
[Raj]
yes.

He's a great little kid,
isn't he?
Yeah, yeah.

[Knocking on door]

Hey!
Hey, raj.

Hey, guys, come on in,
it's good to see you.

Hey, how you doin',
coach?
That's ex-coach, eddie.

Dwayne's your coach now
and he's doing
a real fine job of it.

Uh-oh.
I guess he heard.

Heard?

Oh, you mean
about the vote? Yeah.

Listen, it's
perfectly all right.

It is?
Sure.

Look, that's what
the game is about.

To--to try and teach
you guys to be men.

To teach you
to have some guts.

I guess I succeeded.

You voted me out,
and that took guts.

We didn't mean it.
It was a mistake.

We want you back.

You do?
[All]
yeah!

[All]
we want you back!
We want you back!

Hey, looks like
they want you back in, coach.

That's right. And
they're all yours, coach.

How about it, coach?

All right!

[All cheering]

How...

Through that door
and to the right.

I guess I'm really back.

[All cheering]

Speech! Speech!

[All]
yeah, come on.
Speech!

Uh, well, team, uh...

Look, I realize
why you voted me out.

And, uh,
you were right.

Basketball is a sport.
It's supposed to be fun.

So things'll be different.

[All]
all right!

However, we have to remember

That it's not all fun. I mean,
we're still a team, huh?

And we're still
going after that title.

So we're gonna have to
buckle down, work hard,

Practice hard
and play hard.

[Children groaning]
yes, we will.

[Blows whistle]
come on, tigers,
let's get started right now.

[Children groan]
yeah, we got
some joggin' to do.

How far?
8 Blocks.

[All]
what? It's not...

All the way to the soda shop.
Come on, I'm buying.

[All cheering]

Hup, 2, 3, 4.
Hup, 2, 3, 4.
Hup, 2, 3, 4. Hup...

All right.

Hey, guys.
I said I'm buying.

I'm runnin'.

Hup, 2, 3, 4.
Lift those knees.
Lift those knees, now.

Hup, 2, 3, 4.
Hup, 2, 3, 4. Hup...

Where'd everybody go?

Wait for me!