03x07 - Charge

[bunniefuu]

Oh, why do we have
to come here for dinner?

I bet you wouldn't take
any of your dates here.

I bring my dates here
all the time.

Maybe that's why
you can't keep a steady girl.

Listen, dee, mama wanted you

To have a hot meal,
and you can get it here.

That's not all
you can get here, either.

Ok, here's
the dinner menu.

Yeah, give it on top.
Give 'em up.

[Dwayne]
thank you.

[Shirley]
thank you so much.

All right.

Shirley,
hmm?

This has the same food
as the lunch menu.

Why is it a different color?

Well, because by dinner time
the food is a different color.

Hey, how about the,
uh, blue page special?

It's really movin' today.

No, I had it yesterday,

It was really
movin' then, too.

Hamburger.

Hamburger.
Hamburger.

Chickens.

Hey! What's happening!
Hey!

[All]
hey.

Guess what?
I have just acquired my first,

And what I hope
to be a long line,

Of credit cards.

Bank master. See?

Hey, all right!
Fantastic plastic!

Hey, I may
be stout,

But now I've got clout.

Credit card?

What did you do,
mug karl malden?

[Snickering]

[Snickering sarcastically]

This is for real, raj.

See, I've had a steady job now
for the last 3 months,

And the credit card company

Knows that I'm a stable,

Responsible, mature adult.

The credit card company
didn't see you

Drop a water balloon
on the avon lady.

Rerun, you better be careful.

Credit cards can get you
into real trouble.

[Chuckles]

They can also get you

Into real restaurants.

Yeah.

And real threads,
and stereo headphones,

And box seats at ball games,
and ocean cruises.

Oh, yeah, I can see me now.

There I am, on the love boat,

Surrounded by
6 beautiful girls.

[Sighs]

There I am,

Pooped out on the poop deck.

I don't know, rerun,
mama always taught us

We shouldn't buy
anything on credit.

Dee, our whole system

Is based on credit.

It's the american way,

And I am a patriot.

Yeah. Richard poorhouse nixon.

If we can
change the topic,

You've got
a hungry child here.

Where's the food?

Relax, dee. Shirley's coming.

My dear, dear friends.

I would be honored
if you'd join me

For a big steak dinner

At one of l.a.'S
best restaurants.

All right!
Yay!

No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh, mmm-mmm.

Wait just a minute.
No--no--no.

See, you just can't
walk out on food

That rob has spent a lot
of time tryin' to prepare.

No, it's wrong,

It's inconsiderate,
and it's just plain rude.

You're invited, shirley.

Oh, yeah. Hey, rob?

Look here, I'm gonna take
my, uh, dinner break.

I'll be back in about
an hour. Wait up!

Hey, rerun,
you mean you can record

T.v. Shows when
you're not home?

Yup, the timer
takes care of that.

And I have a special camera

Where I can tape
anything I want.

Tonight I'm taping
me and raj having dinner.

Yeah, sort of like
wild kingdom with people.

Come here, dwayne,
watch this. Come here.

Check this.

[Whirring]

This food processor's
really something, huh?

Man, that thing eats
quicker than jaws.

W-w-what?

You bought more stuff today?

Raj, this is my hobby.

Some people collect stamps,

I collect stuff.

Hey, raj, man, you gotta see
this food processor.

Oh, yeah. I put zucchini,

Peanut butter,
jelly, 2 eggs,

Oatmeal and corn
starch in there.

What does it
taste like?

I don't know,
but I've already used it

To glue the leg back
on the coffee table.

Sounds good,

But I'll just have
the leftovers
from last night.

Oh, go ahead.
I liquefied 'em.

Just help yourself.

Liquefied them?

Yeah.

No, thanks, I don't feel
like having a glass
of baloney.

Hey--hey, rerun,
let's put a shoe in there.

Dwayne.

Rerun,

I told you,
you better be careful.

You're overextending
yourself.

Now, you got stuff here
you don't even need.

Like what, raj?

Like, for one,

This aqualung.

Now, what do you
need this for?

Well, since I got it,
I haven't lost
the soap in the bathtub.

Let's put a bar of soap
in there.

Look, raj,
maybe you're smart,

But you're not as smart

As all of these
department stores

And oil companies.

Oh, no, where did you
get those?

I applied for them.

Once you get one,
the rest are easy.

He's right, raj.

They wouldn't send
him all those cards

If they didn't think
he could afford it.

Hey, rerun, man,
let's put a comb in here.

Dwayne!

Hey, come here, raj.
I got something for you.

Come here, come here,
come here. Come here,
come here,

Oh, rerun.

You didn't have to...

What is it?

It's a chinese army knife.

It has a can opener,
screw driver,

And chopsticks.

Oh, I really appreciate
the thought, rerun,

But I'm worried.

I bet your first payment
is gonna be at least $150.

[Scoffs]
shows how much you know, raj.

It's $212.

But don't worry,

The financial wiz
has made arrangements
to get the bread.

Rerun, you're getting in
over your head.

You're going deeper, deeper,
deeper, and deeper.

Don't worry, raj.

That's why I bought
the aqualung.

They told me
to bring this to you,
mr. Glover.

Oh, mr. Stubbs.

Welcome to homby finance.

Call me robert, friend.

Certainly. Call me rerun, pal.

Have a seat, pal.

Thanks, friend.

Now let's just run down
your financial situation,

So that we can
become better friends.

Uh-huh.

Suppose you tell me

Your financial worth
in round figures.

Sure: zero.

Zero!

Well, now, let's just
check that out,

Because people are
usually worth more
than they think.

Now tell me how much
do you have

In your checking account?

Zero.

Zero!

Bonds?
Zero.

Zero!

Real estate holdings?

Zero.

Zero!

Now, let's just
total that up.

A-ha!

Mr. Stubbs,
your net worth is:

Zero!

So what are my chances
of getting a loan, mr. Glover?

Zero!

You're going to have
to show some worth.

Thanks, mr. Glover.

Wait a minute, mr. Stubbs.

How much did you pay
for your hat?

$3.98.

Congratulations!

You qualify.

Sign here.

Mmm-mmm!

[Knocking]

Hi, dee. Hi, shirley.

Uh, um,

W-we're sorry
to disturb you, rerun,

But, uh, dee and I have heard
so much about your apartment,

We just had to see it
for ourselves.

Well, come on in, come on in.
Come on, come on.

Rerun, th-this place
is, um...

How can I put this?

Gross.

Thank you.

Rerun, you've got
enough velvet

To be an undertaker.

Velvet is very in
this year.

Who told you that?

The salesman at velvet city.

Rerun. W-what
in the world is this?

Shirley, that happens

To be a very famous statue.

Well, she looks
like a blind date

For the incredible hulk.

Rerun?

[Rerun]
what?

Where'd you win this?
On "bowling for garbage"?

Hey, dee, lighten up
on rerun.

After all, everyone
to his own taste.

Thanks, shirley.

You know, as long as
you young ladies are here,

You might as well
help me decorate.

It could use
a woman's touch.

Oh, I'll give it
a great touch.

Get me a sledgehammer!

Hey, where you gonna
find the money
to make the payments?

I arranged for a loan.

A loan?

Yeah. I got some money
from some friends,

So I could make the payments
on my credit cards.

Friends?

Yeah. Homby finance.

Homby finan--
homby finance?

Oh.

My aunt borrowed from them
and they repossessed her car.

So?

She was makin' a left turn
when they did it.

Shirley,

That couldn't be
homby finance.

They're very
understanding people.

What do you mean,
"understanding"?

Oh, rerun, don't tell me
you missed a payment.

Only 2.

[Knocking]

Hey, that must be
the delivery guy now

With my new
leopard-skin drapes.

[Knocking continues]

Fredrick, fredrick, fredrick.

Mr. Glover, glover, glover.

You didn't write to us,
like you promised.

I was just about
to do that, mr. Glover.

Oh, too late.

We're going to have
to repossess everything.

Please don't take my couch
and chairs, mr. Glover.

Don't worry, fredrick,
they're not listed
as collateral.

All we're going to take
is the bed, the dresser,

The rug,
etc., Etc., Etc.

Start in the bedroom, boys.

But, mr. Glover, I just...

Oh, fredrick, don't worry.

They're going to take
perfect care of everything.

Oh, miss wilson,
isn't it?

Yes.

Please tell your aunt
that I'm really happy
with her car.

I'm really sorry
about this whole thing.
Don't apologize, fredrick.

Friendship is never having
to say you're sorry.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

It's on the list.

Hey, rerun,
why'd they leave this stuff?

I told you,
this wasn't on the list
as collateral.

Hey, guys.
Hey, raj.

Look, here,
do me a favor.
Could you keep it down?

I'll be in there studying.

I don't know, rerun,
I don't think raj
is gonna like this.

Don't worry, dwayne,

Raj is a very
understanding person.

[Raj]
oh, no!

I don't think he understands.

Rerun, where's my bed?

The guys from
the finance company
took it.

And--and the dresser's gone.

They took
that, too.

And the rug's gone.
How could they take that?

Well, you see,
they rolled the rug up,

And they stuffed it
in the dresser,

And they put the dresser
on top of the bed,
and they carried it all out.

Those guys
are fantastic.

Rerun, the room
is totally empty.

Now, what are we gonna do?

Well, we could go in there
and play handball.

Don't make jokes.

I mean, why did they
take my stuff?

Well, it's like this, raj:

Y-y-you know,
in order for me
to get the loan,

I had to show more collateral.

So I just put your stuff
on the list.

And they just put it
on a truck.

I'm sorry, raj.

Hey, but they didn't take
this new furniture.

You can sleep on the couch.

Are you kidding?

It'll keep me awake all night,
the velvet glows in the dark.

Boy, rerun, this is awful.

I mean, they took
everything.

Everything but...

The refrigerator's gone!

Wait a minute.
The refrigerator
belongs to the landlady.

How could they take that?

You see, raj,
they had this little cart
with wheels on it.

One guy push
while the other guy lift.

It's all leverage.
You'd love it.

Well, this is all crazy.

Now how can you
live in an apartment
without a refrigerator?

Cheer up, raj.

They left the baloney juice.

Rerun, I've had enough.

Now, I'm through
playing games with you.

That's good, 'cause they took
the monopoly set, too.

Raj, everything'll work out.

Won't it?

No, nothing's
gonna work out!

The credit card company
will sue you,

The loan company
will sue you,

And the landlady
will sue you.

And I'd sue you, too,
if I had any sense.

You wouldn't do that,
would you, raj?

I ought to. Boy, I knew
this would happen.

I could see it
coming a mile away.

Well, if you saw it coming,
why didn't you warn me?

What?

That's it, rerun.

I have done nothing
but warn you

Since you got your
first credit card.

Yeah, rerun,
he warned you.

Now you listen to me, rerun,
and you get this straight.

Yeah, get it straight.

This is your fault.

Now I'm gonna sleep
in my bed,

Next to my dresser
with my rug under it,

In a room next
to my refrigerator.

Do you know what
that means, rerun?

I do.
It means you're sleeping
at the finance company.

Wrong! It means
I'm sleeping at home.

And I'm not coming
back until you get

This whole mess
straightened out.

Do you think
he's mad?

Uh, hey, frank,
can you help me out
with a tip, please?

Uh, a little tip,
just somethin' to help me out,
thank you.

I really do appreciate that.

If you help me out
with... Well, thank...

A dime? Hey, man,
you dropped
a button off your...

I don't want that!

What about some chow?

What am I gonna buy,
some suckers with that?

Ok, rerun.

What's the matter?
You haven't even
touched your food.

I know.

I'm just too upset
to eat, shirley.

Well, I can
understand that.

You know if I was you,
I'd be at home hidin'
under the bed.

If you were me,
you wouldn't have
a bed to hide under.

[Sighs]

I really did it
this time, shirley.

Raj is my best friend,
and he walked out on me.

He hasn't been home
for the last 3 nights,

And I don't like being
in--in that apartment
by myself.

Why?

I am boring.

I can buy that.

Yeah, I just feel so bad
about everything.

I loused up my life,

I loused up raj's life.

I'm just a dumb,

Stupid, greedy,

Irresponsible, foolish...

Aren't you gonna
stop me, shirley?

Why? You haven't
missed yet.

I'm a jerk!

Yes, you certainly are.

Now, listen.
Are you ready to listen
to some good sense?

Yeah, I'm ready.
Ok, have a seat.

Now the way
I was thinking--

Wait a minute, shirley.
I-i got something for you.

Oh, rerun,
you didn't have to.

Oh, oh, yes I did.

Go on, open it.
Yeah, I'm gonna open it.

It costs a lot
of money, huh--huh?

Boy! Give me a little hint.

Let me see what...

Perfume?

Yes. It's the best!

Yeah, i--i can see that,
rerun. Thanks.

Uh, but it's
not for me.

Why?

Because, somehow
I just can't picture
myself running

Into a room going

♪ Charley? Charley?

But I want you
to have this, shirley.

You're my friend.

See, now,
that's the problem.

You're buying
all these fancy things

To impress people with.

That's wrong, rerun.

See, you don't have
to buy gifts
for your friends,

'Cause we love you
just the way you are.

You do?

Yeah.

Why?
Why?

Um, well, rerun,

You one of a kind.

Hey, tell me something else
you like about me, shirley.

Something else?
Uh, well, basically,

You're, um,

[Sighs]

Um, a nice person.

Tell me one other--

Now you're pressing
your luck now, ok?

[Shirley mumbling]

Got you, shirley.
Ok.

I gotta be going.

No, sit down, fool.
I ain't done yet.

Now, it seems to me
that you need money,

And you need it fast.
Mmm-hmm.

Now, if I was you...
'Cause you know, I'm not gonna
tell you how to run your life.

But if I was you,
I would take all

That stuff you got
sitting around the apartment,

And I'd have myself
one heck of a sale.

Hey, that's
a wonderful idea.

Yeah, that's
the only kind I have.

And if you're smart,
you'll get raj to help you,

'Cause he's a real
levelheaded guy.

But don't you ever--
hear me? Don't you ever
tell him I said so.

I promise.

Shirley?
Mmm-hmm?

You mind if I give you
one more present?

Rerun, what have I
been saying?

Please, shirley.

All right, all right,
all right, what is it?

Hey, get out of here!

He's got slobber over me,
then I'll ruin my reputation.

People slobberin' on me.

Oh, that's nice, though,
isn't it?

♪ Charley?

[Exclaims]

Thank you very much.

Hey, raj,

I--i really appreciate you
helping me with this sale.

Hey, forget it, rerun.

I'll sleep better
now that I know
we're friends again.

Well, I'll sleep better
as soon as my bed is back.

Oh, we have enough
for that right now, raj.

I know.

And if we sell everything,
you'll have enough to pay off

The loan company
and most of the credit cards.

Come on, we got some
hard selling left.

Hey, don't you
just love it?

He didn't love it.

Raj, I don't think
I can sell this couch.

Yes, you can.

I'm sure there was
a sucker born 60 seconds
after you were.

Hey, snake!
How's it going, man?

[Raj]
hey, snake.

Hey, it's all right.

Hey, rerun, everything
is going great.

I just got a job,

I just got my own pad,

And I just got paid.

You just got my attention.

I hear you guys
have some furniture
to sell.

Yeah, snake,
but you wouldn't be
interested in this.

Wow, man!

I could really dig
this sofa and chairs!

Whoo! Wow!

You can?

Yeah! It's red,
and orange...

Man, if it had some purple,
it would match my car.

You know the bucket seats,
the 4 on the floor.

[Whooping]

Mmm-mmm.
Man, I gotta have it!

Snake, you getting yourself
a designer's original.

Look at the signature.

Pierre of el segundo.

[Snake]
I love it!

One question:

Is the material easy to clean?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, you can drop
a pizza on here

And no one would
ever notice.

Sold!

Uh, you think
you guys could consider

Letting me pay
for this on time?

Sure. What time is it now?

Around quarter to 4:00.

It's time!

All right. Here you are.

Give me, give me,
give me.
One hundred and...

70 Dollars

Thanks.
[Snake]
all right!

Uh, snake, would you be
interested in anything else?

Like maybe this?

What's that?

Well, you put this
on your back when
you're underwater.

Oh, I don't think so, raj.

If I put that on my back,

How am I gonna fit
into the shower?

Gotcha!

Hey, I was just kidding, man.
I don't need a aqualung.

Me and some of my buddies
will be back

To pick up the sofa
and chairs later.

Hey, I'll catch
y'all later.

Ok, later.
All right

Look. Aqualung.

Oh, wow!

Hey, raj.
Raj?
Hmm?

We got a guy looking
at the moped.

All right, dwayne.

Do you phony bidding stuff.

No problem.

How much is the moped?

Oh, $50.

I'll take it.

$50-- Only $50?

Only $50?

Only $50?
I'll give you $100!

You got it!
Wait!

Wait a minute.
I'll give you $150.
Fine.

$200.

Well?
I--i'll give you,
uh, uh, $210.

Perfect!

$300.

That's too high.

All right,
it's mine! Yay!

Oh, thank you, madam.

I'm sure you'll enjoy
the goldfish.

Their names are anthony
and cleopatra.

Goodbye, baby.
Daddy loves you.

[Laughs]

Don't fight.

And remember to brush
your teeth after every meal.

Well, we did it.
We really did it.

We'd have done it
a lot sooner

If you hadn't kept
out-bidding the customers.

Hey, I can't thank
you guys enough.

Stop thanking us and tell us
you've learned your lesson.

I did, raj, believe me.

From now on,
I don't buy anything
I don't need.

Hey, rerun, man,
you forgot to sell this.

No, I didn't.
I need that.

For what?

For this.

Credit card cole slaw.

[Grinding]

I can't believe you got
all your furniture back

From the finance company,
rerun.

Believe it,
they're bringing it in now.

Hey, that's all right.
Where's raj?

Oh, he'll be here any second.

He said he just couldn't wait
to get into his bed.

A pillow, sire?

Oh, thank you.

March on!