02x04 - Raj Goes to Press

[bunniefuu]

This is the worst collection
of surprise test papers
I have ever seen.

6 Fs, 9 ds, no as.

And only one "b."
One single "b."

I'm ashamed
of the rest of you.

Not funny, "f" minus.

[Laughing]
"f" minus.

"F" minus is not so bad.

[Bell ringing]

Roger, may I speak to you
for a minute?

Oh, yeah. What's up,
miss collins?

Well, first of all,
congratulations on
getting the only "b."

Thank you.

And secondly,
half of these articles
that you put together

For this week's newspaper
are not acceptable.

Says who?

Says principal bradley.

What does he mean,
not acceptable?

It's the truth,
and we're supposed
to print the truth.

Roger, I know you're upset,
but quite frankly,

I can see mr. Bradley's
viewpoint.

"New source of
natural gas discovered:

A behind-the-scenes look
at the school cafeteria."

Well, it got your attention,
didn't it?

See, I think a little humor,
right away people--

Roger!

Ok, I'll change the headline.
But the article is good,
and it's all the truth.

Well, perhaps. But mr. Bradley
is the principal, and we
have to do what he says.

So I'm afraid
these are out.

Hey, wait a minute.
This is my editorial.

It's out.

Miss collins, my editorial
is good journalism.

It expresses
an intelligent approach
to a very relevant issue.

An intelligent approach?

That's right.

"Surprise tests are
a pain in the class."

Well, they are, miss collins.

I mean, today
is a perfect example.

Most of the class
failed your surprise test.

My afternoon class
did very well.

Ah, that's because
your surprise test

Is only a surprise
for the morning classes.

By the time
the afternoon classes
get in here,

They have been warned,
so they get all the
decent marks.

Well, that's all
very interesting, roger,

But you still can't
publish these articles.

But I'm the editor,
and the editor decides
what goes into the newspaper.

But I'm the faculty advisor,

And I have to abide
by what mr. Bradley says.

I want to be the editor
of this paper, miss collins,
not a puppet.

If those don't go,
these don't go,
and I resign.

Big deal.

What do you think?
It's great.

That's a great idea, raj.
With an underground
newspaper,

We can really tell it
like it is.

Yeah, and i--i thought
we'd call it, uh,

the truth.

Our motto will be

"Honesty: first, last,
and always."

First, we gotta
rip off some stencils
from miss collins' room.

All right!
I'm with raj all the way.

Hey, me, too.

Raj, freedom of the press
is the same as
freedom of speech.

It's one of
the basic liberties
this country was founded on.

Terrific. You can make
a statement like that
every week.

Uh, we'll call it
"dwayne's platform."

Hey, hey, hey.
"Dwayne's platform."

[Laughs]

You know we could get
expelled for this.

We don't have to call it
"dwayne's platform."

You guys gonna have
anything else?

Oh, yeah.
Sit down for a second,
shirley.

Oh, I can't sit here.

She's right. The chair
wouldn't have a chance.

[Laughing]

Oh, no?

That chair will support
me and you.

[Screams]

See?

Come on, shirley,
we need your help.

You got it.

Ok, we're putting out
an underground newspaper.

Uh-huh.

So we figure you must hear
everything that goes down here

Well, now, half of everything
that goes down here
goes down him.

Back off, shamu.

Wait a minute, now.
Don't you ever call me
that again.

You know what? You know what?
You two ought to stop
insultin' each other.

I mean, you both know
how bad you feel
when you hear fat jokes,

So you should stop it.

I mean, there's no reason
to keep layin' it on.
Everybody knows you're fat.

I mean, s-so you're fat.
So what? Uh, fat is fat.

I mean, it--it's not pleasant
and it's not attractive.

S-s-so don't keep
bothering each other

Because you're both
unpleasant, unattractive,
and fat.

I'll be in the bathroom.

What do you
want me to do, raj?

Well, just keep
your ears open for us.

If you hear of any stuff
that might make a good story
for our newspaper,

Just let us know, ok?

You got it.

Oh, yeah.

Um, I don't know
if this is what
you're lookin' for,

But I thought
it might be interesting.

Oh, yeah? What?

Well, one of the kids
in your school

Got locked in
the toilet here.

[Laughing]

Yeah.

When was that?

Today. Shh.

[Dwayne]
hey, open up.

Ok, I think this is
the order we'll put it in.

On the 1st page, we'll have
dwayne's courageous quote

On free press,

Signed by john doe.

Then my editorial
on surprise tests.

Then my editorial
for more homework
in sex education.

We're not doing that.

It's important.

Personally,
I feel it's urgent.

We're doing
a serious newspaper.

I am serious.

Dwayne.

Hi.

Oh, hey, dee.

What are you doing?

None of your business.

What's this?

None of your business.

None of my business?

"Principal bradley
smells badly."

You're gonna get in trouble.

We're not doing
anything wrong.

But I know you,
and you will.

And I know mama,
and she'll find out.

And how would she find out?

She knows me.

What a pity!
What?

200 Years from now,
some poor fool

Is gonna go back
and trace his roots,

And he's gonna find dee.

Wow, there's nothin'
more depressin'

Than bein'
in a classroom

When I'm supposed to be
in the lunch room.

How's it comin', raj?

Great. We should
be done in a minute.

Uh, f-find me a stapler.

From where?

I don't know.
Look in miss collins' desk.

In miss collins' desk?
You can't go in
a teacher's desk.

Just find one, dwayne.

The presses are rollin'.

You know,
this reminds me of that guy

Who we studied
about last week

Who wrote the secret newspaper
against the british.

What was his name?
Zinger.

Yeah, pete zinger.

No. Zenger.

Zenger?
Zenger zinger?

Peter zenger.

I thought peter zenger
was a singer.

No, that's pete...
That's pete seeger.

Seeger's the singer,
zenger is the writer.

Then who is zinger?

Nobody!
Zinger is nobody.

Poor zinger.

Will you come on?
We got a lot of work to do.

Dwayne, would you give me
the stapler?

[Raj]
oh, boy, this 1st page
is just...

There's something
missing.

Uh, raj, I couldn't find
the stapler, but here's some,
uh, some paper clips.

Uh, yeah, it'll do.
But I got a bigger problem.

What's the matter?

Uh, it's the paper.
I mean, it's good,

But I wish there was something
great we could put
in the 1st edition.

You know,
something sensational.

Well, we could tell everybody
when there's gonna be
a surprise test.

Yeah.
If only we knew
when it was.

Monday.
Huh?

Monday there's gonna be
a surprise test
in miss collins' class.

How do you know?

I know.
How?

I saw it in her desk.
I knew it was bad luck
to go in a teacher's desk,

And my fingerprints
are all over this place.

Let's rewrite the front page.
We've got a big story now.

Are you sure
about that, dwayne?

Uh-huh.

Positive?

Uh-huh.

Can I quote you?

Uh-uh.

Well, now,

Here are the results
of yesterday's surprise test.

Amazing,
absolutely amazing.

Such wonderful marks.

Why, one would think
you weren't surprised at all.

Four as. Unbelievable.

And only one "f."

My grades are improving.

Didn't you read
the underground newspaper,
frederick?

What underground newspaper?

This underground newspaper,

Which contains
an excellent quote

On freedom of the press
by john doe,

A plea for more homework
in sexual education
by william shakespeare,

And a warning
from roger thomas
about this surprise test.

Well, I hope you all
enjoyed your wonderful marks.

None of them will count.

All right!

[Bell ringing]

Roger!

I know,
I'm not going anywhere.

Mr. Bradley
is on his way down
to speak with you.

I'm sure you boys
have some rule to break,
somewhere.

Now run along.

Later, raj.
See you later.

Well, roger, at least
you used your own name.

I don't suppose
you'd care to tell me
who william shakespeare is?

Uh, he wrote hamlet.

Really, roger,

Did you honestly believe
that I wouldn't
find out about this?

That's not the point.

I believe in everything
that's in there,

And I think
I have a right to print it.

Well, well, well.

Here's our young journalist.

Oh, mr. Bradley.

Yes, the one who smells badly.

Roger, I'll get
right to the point.

You're expelled.

Without even hearin'
my side of the story?

Roger, I'd like to be
on your side.

Just tell us how you
heard about the surprise test.

How did you know miss collins
was going to give

A surprise test
in history yesterday?

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, mr. Bradley,
but I cannot
reveal my sources.

Ok, that's it.

That's what?

You're expelled.

And I'm sure
miss collins would agree.

Uh, mr. Bradley,

Maybe if we gave him a day
to think about it?

All right. Roger,

By tomorrow, I want to know
how you found out
about the test.

I won't change my mind,
mr. Bradley.

And I quote:

"In pursuit of the
freedom of others,

One must sometimes
sacrifice his own."

Martin luther king
on civil disobedience.

And I quote:

"If you don't tell me
who sprung the leak,

You're gonna be expelled
for at least a week."

Nipsey russell on
the match game.

It's been 6 months
since I loaned it to you.

I know you're good
for the money,

But I'm not
the bank of america.

Listen, if you can't
pay me back all at once,

Pay me back
a little at a time.

Whatever's easiest for you.

Well, 52 payments
at 5 percent interest...

Comes out to
14 cents a week,

Which is 2 cents a day.

Can't you handle that?

Well, that is your problem.

Hey, I can't be
throwin' money around.

I-i'm not amy carter,
I have to work for a livin'.

Me, me expelled?
My mama will k*ll me
if she finds out.

I have to hang up now.
There's gonna be
a death in the family.

You better not tell mama.

Tell mama what?
I don't know what to tell her.

How can I tell her anything
when I don't know anything?

Right.

All I can say is,
"raj got expelled,
but I have no idea why."

He didn't get expelled yet.

Good, then I'll tell her that.

No, you won't.

Oh, then you did
get expelled.

Dee, I didn't get expelled.

It has something
to do with that
dumb newspaper, right?

Oh, all right. How much money
do you want to forget
the whole thing

And just leave me alone
and keep your mouth shut?

Let's see.
Forget the whole thing,

Leave you alone,
and keep my mouth shut.

$1.30 should cover it.

All right, uh, you got it.
Now, get out of here.

Being rude,
that'll cost you
another nickel.

Raj, you won't get expelled.

I'm gonna tell bradley
I'm the one who told you
about the surprise test.

No, neither one of us
has to tell him
that you found it.

Now let's face it,
I'm gonna get expelled,

And that's all there is to it.
No sense in all 3 of us
getting into trouble.

My feelings exactly.

Thanks a lot, shakespeare.

That's why I'm going to see
bradley tomorrow,
and tell him the whole truth.

Huh?

That's right,
that I sneaked into
miss collins' room,

All alone,
went through her desk,

Ran off the newspaper,
and put your name on it.

What are you talking about?

Common sense.
Look, raj,

You 2 guys can't afford
to get expelled.

You're both
doing good in school,

And you both want
to go to college.

But it doesn't matter
if I get expelled.

I'm flunkin' out anyway.

I'll never get into college,

And no one really cares
whether I graduate high school
or not.

That's the saddest story
I ever heard.

Yeah, that's nice, rerun,
but I can't let you do that.

Not so fast, raj,

It may be a good idea.

No way.

Look,
the underground newspaper
was my idea,

And if anybody's
gonna get expelled,

It's gonna be me.

All right, I've heard enough.

[Clears throat]

Uh, mama,
how--how--how--how much
did you hear?

Everything.

You heard everything.

This is true.
Everything.

Don't be mad at him,
mrs. Thomas.

Raj got in trouble
for tryin' to be like that

Reporter who nailed nixon,
woody goldstein.

Woody goldstein? You mean
woodward and bernstein.

There were 2 guys, rerun.

Woodward and bernstein.

Then who in the hell
was goldstein?

Nobody.
Goldstein was nobody.

Poor goldstein.

He's just like zinger.

Are you finished?

Yes, ma'am.

Do you mind if we
get back to the subject
of my son being expelled?

[Rerun]
no, ma'am.

Thank you.

Now, roger,
tell me,

What do you have to do
to keep from gettin'
kicked out of school?

I can't do it, mama.
I won't tell them
about dwayne and rerun.

A writer shouldn't
have to reveal
his sources.

It's not right,
and I refuse to fink
on my friends.

I don't want you to.

I mean, it's just that--

Really, mama?

Really, if you don't think
it's right, hey,
then don't do it.

But, remember,
if you wanna dance
to the music,

You have to pay the piper.

Then it all
balances out.

What are you talkin' about?

He may have to
pay the piper,

But since you already know
he's gonna get expelled,

He doesn't have to pay
dee that $1.35.

Now, class,
there is no question

That the bill of rights
is our most
cherished possession,

And while we do
have the right
to freedom of speech,

We do not have the right
to shout "fire"
in a crowded theatre.

And while we do
have the right
to freedom of the press,

We do not have
the right to print
"mr. Bradley smells badly."

What if you're in
a crowded theatre
sittin' next to mr. Bradley?

Frederick.

[Bell ringing]

Well, I've made my decision,
miss collins.

I've made a decision,
too, roger.

Yes, I know.

Uh, I'm in a lot of trouble,
but I cannot reveal
my sources.

[Raj]
I don't think it's right.

So I guess mr. Bradley
will have to expel me.

Roger, you don't understand.

I have somethin'
to tell you.

No, you don't.
I have somethin'
to tell you.

I wanna confess.

You can't do that.
I'm confessin'!

Keep out of my way!

I wanna do it.
No!

Stop it!

There is plenty of confession
to go around.

I suppose these
are the 2 boys that
helped you with the newspaper.

Bill shakespeare.
How are you?

And I suppose you're--

Doe, john. Hi.

Well, it may interest you
to know that I read your
newspaper this morning,

Quite thoroughly.
And I was very impressed.

You were?

I certainly was.
Oh, it may have been a bit
rough around the edges,

But nevertheless, it showed
the good basic journalism
that I taught you.

So you might say
I'm partially responsible
for it.

Could we say you were
totally responsible for it?

Rerun.

So I've asked mr. Bradley
not to expel any of you.

All right!

[Laughing]

On one condition.

What's that?

In spirit of good journalism,
I want you to publish
my rebuttal

To your editorial
against surprise tests.

All right, you got it.

We'll see you later,
miss collins.

Take care, miss collins.

Boys.

Now, for looking
in my desk,

You will all have to stay
one hour after school
for 2 weeks.

2 Weeks?

Right on.

We can live with that.

Good, now sit down
and do your homework.

Uh, miss collins,
how did you know
we went into your desk?

[Chuckling]

I have my sources,
too, roger.

Now, remember, you're
to stay here for one hour.

You trust us
to stay here on our own?

Is there any reason
I shouldn't?

[All]
no!

Well, then, good night.

[Dwayne]
good night.

Look, we have to
stay after school
an hour a day

For 2 weeks, right?

Right.

Wrong. That's 10 hours.

All we have to do
is sleep here one night
and we're off the hook.

No, I don't think
miss collins is gonna
go for that.

Come on,
it's not that bad, rerun.
It's only 2 weeks.

Do you have an extra pencil?

Oh, no. Look up there.
Miss collins has probably got
a million of them.

Good idea.

[Sighing]
no pencils.

What was in her desk, raj?

[Mumbling]
a surprise test.

What?

[Dwayne]
what'd you say?

A surprise test.

All right! Let's take a look!

Hey come on, rerun.
You're going to
get us in trouble.

We're already in trouble.

"This test replaces the one
that was printed in
the underground newspaper.

"The ones responsible
for that are now serving
2 weeks' detention.

"And if they're reading this,

Make it 3."

Hey, shirley,
where is everybody?

It's dinnertime, fool.

Now why would anybody
be in this restaurant
at dinnertime?

She's got a point.

Pass me the salt there.
Listen, why are you guys,
uh, here so late?

Oh, we got 2 weeks' detention
for lookin'
in a teacher's desk.

Can I get somethin' to eat?

I am on my break,
so you're gonna have to wait
until I have finished.

Well, hurry up
so we can order.

I have to get home
for dinner.

Another move like that
and I will break your jaw.

Come on, now,
let her finish her meal.

Man, detention
is really the pits.

By the time we
get out of school,
everybody is gone home.

Yeah, but look at
the bright side.

It's 5:30, and already
we've finished
our homework.

I know, but this is gonna
mess up my whole evening.

I've got a schedule.

What kind of schedule?

I figure that the best time
to do my homework

Is after I've had
a little somethin' to eat,

So I go home at 6:00
and have a little snack.

Then, before I know it,
my favorite t.v. Show is on.

What's that?

The midnight movie.

Hey, raj,
are you goin' straight home?

Yeah.

Well, when you get home,
will you give
this 14 cents to dee?

She'll know what it's for.