01x05 - Ladies in Black

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Can you get off? Good boy.

Oh, Helen? We're hosting book club tonight.

Do you want to join us?

Same room, people. Can't hear you unless you're in the same room.

Can't hear ya, May!

We are hosting book club tonight. Would you like to join us?

- We're doing Three Women. - Uh...

Doing three women!

Why is that funny?

- "Doing". - What?

It's not funny, but what he's saying is, like,

that you're..."doing" three women.

Yeah.

Yeah, but he's saying it as, like...

"doing" doing,

not...not doing, but, you know, "doing".

You know, you're..."doing".

- Oh! - "Doing".

Intercourse.

Mmm.

Helen? This is Terry Montanello.

Said he's here to see Roz, but she's not in.

That's okay. Terry. Come in. Thanks, George.

I'm Helen. I'm the new Roz. Sit down. Go. Talk.

What do you need? What can I do for you? Somebody died? What's happened?

Well, my great-aunt, Maria, she passed away.

- And I was... - Yep. That's very sad.

I'm sorry, have you really replaced Roz?

- Yeah. I'm the new Roz. - Hello, Terry. Sorry I'm late.

Thank you, Helen. I'll take it from here.

- Off you pop. - Helen says she's your replacement.

Oh, God, no. Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

- No. - Well, that's a relief.

Is it?

- N...no offense. Sorry. - Alright. Well, point of order, Terry.

Just because you say "No offense",

it doesn't render the offensive thing you just said not offensive.

Helen, why don't you go and work on bringing in some new business?

- You're not required here. - That's offensive.

Now, let's get to know your Aunt Maria. In the will...

You should know, Terry, that Roz can't work as a solicitor anymore.

She was struck off. Oh, I'm sorry, suspended.

- Out! - Just so you know.

Sorry.

That's an excellent choice.

Ray, can I ask a couple of questions about this case you don't want to do?

Yeah. Make it quick. I got to get to court for the listing.

- No, it's Monday. - So?

Well, listings are on Tuesday. What are you, the boss of court?

- Hurry up. What do you need? - Okay.

- No time for sitting, buddy. - So I read the file.

- Uh-huh. - It says the brother gets the farm.

The sister gets the family Bible. Seriously?

Yeah, but apparently very nice Bible.

It's got Jesus and prayers in it.

There's a burning bush

and some begetting and begetting, that kind of stuff.

Wow. You're really selling it.

But we're representing the brother, who drives a party bus.

- Is that right? - Yeah. And?

I don't get it. It says the sister worked the farm her whole life.

Why was she left out?

Dad was old-school and believed that...oh...

property should be handed down the male line,

which would never stand up in court.

I propose we get on the front foot and suggest 50/50 split.

- Okay. Well, that's easy. - Not really.

Alice Pike is representing the sister,

and she'll be gunning for a lot more than half.

So? I'll just tell her, "The deal's 50/50. You take it or leave it".

I'm loving your confidence, Fisk.

I almost wish I could stick around and watch the car crash.

- But I can't. 'Cause I got to go. - To the imaginary listings?

Yep. Good get from you.

Let's see how funny you are after half an hour with Alice Pike.

What does that...Ray, what does that mean?

- What do you...what...? - Good luck, Fisk!

- Raymond. - Pike.

We're supposed to have a meeting!

I handed that over to my colleague, Helen Tudor.

George, if you could help out Alice, that'd be wonderful.

Hello. Can I help you?

Hello. Alice Pike.

Yes, 4:00 o'clock on the 15th.

Send me an iCal invite. Let them know I have a hard stop at 4:20.

Alice Pike. I was supposed to see Raymond.

I believe it's now Helen Tudor.

- Fisk. - What?

- Uh...uh, Tudor-Fisk. - I'm sorry, do you speak English?

Hello. Alice Pike.

- Yes, talk to me. Quickly, please. - Uh...

And the meeting is taking place where?

I think it's either, um, Helen's office or the meeting room.

I'll check. Got it. Text me to confirm.

Thank you. Okay, no worries.

- This way? - Yeah, just to the left.

Did you still want me to text you to confirm or...

I'll send it to this number on the card.

Helen Tudor, Alice Pike.

Hello.

Hello. Alice Pike. Erm...

Hello. Helen Tudor-Fisk.

- Yes. Go ahead. I'm listening. - Right.

Well, I'm taking over Hopkins vs Hopkins, so...

Yes, that's right. Thank you. ..I will be...

- I'm sorry. You're on the phone. - No, I'm done. Helen, is it?

Look, I've got a hard stop at 3:30, so let's get this done, shall we?

I propose a 75/25 split. Okay.

Are we talking 75/25 or 25/75, if you know what I mean?

I don't.

Hello. Alice Pike. No, I'll be back in the office this afternoon.

75/25. Do we have a deal?

If it's 75/25, yes, we do.

You're starting to irritate me, Helen.

Right back at you, "Hello. Alice Pike".

Listen to me.

75/25.

No, you listen to me, because I'm the offerer,

so I say what the offer is, and I've just decided, oh, guess what,

it's 90/10, to me, to my client.

We both know that won't hold up in court.

- Do we know that? - Do you want to find out?

I do not, sir. 80/20. Try again.

70/30. Stop wasting my time.

Best offer on the table right now or I'll see you in court.

Okay.

S...don't you dare say 60/40.

I wasn't going to. You don't know what I'm gonna say.

It was gonna be, "So, offer, 50/50". Thank you.

Now we have a starting point. I'll take that to my client.

Well...it's not a starting point, it's a finishing point,

and you can take it or leave it.

- What's that, now? - Erm, on the phone, please.

Hello. Alice...uh, it's Helen.

Go away. I'm busy. Hard stopping.

Yep. Okay.

Call them today.

Hello. Alice Pike.

Just a moment.

Well, well. Roz Gruber.

I'll call you back.

I'm very surprised to see YOU working here.

I'm the office manager, nothing more.

She doesn't work as a solicitor anymore. She's been suspended.

- Oh, she knows. - Oh, I know.

George, this is the infamous Alice Pike.

Alice is the one who persuaded two of my clients

to make the complaints that got me suspended.

Hello. Alice Pike.

Yes. This is she.

It's fine. I'm not with anyone important.

Go ahead. I'm listening.

"This is she". I mean, who says that?

She's full of it.

Like, I don't think there's even anyone calling her.

- You have got to be kidding me. - No, I'm serious. She's faking it.

Ray?

Did you know Pike was here?

Why do you think I went and sat in the car for an hour?

Apparently she wants to specialize in wills and probate!

- Come on! That's my thing! - I'm sorry?

That's your thing. You saw the gap in the market years ago.

Well done, Roz.

We need to get more aggressive about new business,

keep her out of the market.

Wow. You were right about Alice Pike.

- Hello, Roz. - Helen!

How's your client list going?

We need some more business and lots of it.

Uh, I took a walk-in yesterday.

Well done, Helen. Thank you.

Someone wandered in. I might go sit in the car again.

That is called passive recruitment. I think that might be my forte.

You need to be more proactive, Helen. Tout for business.

So, like, lurk at funeral homes and hand out business cards?

Excellent idea. Wasn't serious.

Then get serious! Where's our client base?

Post office? Old people love the Post office.

And Michel's Patisserie.

The movies, specifically talking through the movies.

Church. You can always find them at church.

We don't want old people.

We want middle-aged people squabbling over an inheritance.

Got it. Squabblers.

Tout for squabblers. Be a squabbler touter.

I actually came to see Ray.

W...where's Ray gone?

Careful, careful, careful...now, can you put Leslie

in the chair where she likes it, please?

This way.

My mother, you know, well, she grew up, obviously, Second World w*r.

So, I mean...Helen!

Um, everyone, this is Helen. Come in. Come and join us.

No, I'm good, May. I haven't read the book, so...

Oh, hang on. Snacks. I'm in. Okay.

Hi, Helen. Hello.

As I was saying, this first chapter really reminded me

of my own mother's story.

Leslie's mum passed away recently. Oh, I see.

Mum had an inner strength. Oh, she was a mother and a worker.

She had a part-time job in a cake shop.

Ooh. How delicious. She was a wife and a friend.

She played canasta and tenpin bowls.

She lived a very full life.

I'd really love to tell HER story.

Feel like you ARE.

The good thing is, I'm taking a creative writing course.

So...

Oh, good.

Uh, anyway, as I was saying...

- Is there any more wine? - ...when a parent dies...

Oh, God. I'm sorry, Leslie. You're still talking.

it puts things in perspective.

So what if you didn't get the best park at the supermarket?

You know? So bloody what?

Speaking of car parks, what about the chapter

where they had sex in the car?

Not now, Graham.

What's really hard at the moment

is everyone squabbling over Mum's stuff.

Ooh! Squabbling? How are they squabbling there, Leslie?

I don't want to sell her house. Mm-hm.

- I mean, it's full of memories. - Yes. What does the will say?

- Are you the executor? - Pardon?

Well, you might not have to sell the house.

Oh, Helen's a lawyer. Yeah.

I'm a wills and probate specialist, actually.

Oh, can I have one of those, Helen?

Oh, you bet. There you go. One for you.

Oh, hello. Yep. Bringing in some new business.

There we go. Good stuff, all of you. Give me a call.

Alright. If we can just circle back to the sex-in-the-car scenes.

Weren't they titillating?

But also relevant.

I think we should shampoo the carpet. A dry shampoo.

Yeah. 'Cause you can walk on that reasonably quick.

Mmm. Good morning, Roz.

What's that? "Did you bring in any new business"?

Ooh, I'm glad you asked.

Two new clients, and I know where to find a whole lot more.

Do not say Michel's Patisserie, because they banned me

the last time I was there handing out business cards.

It's a shame. They do such excellent coffee.

Well, let's hear your idea, Helen. Two words.

Book club.

What's the second word?

Book clubs are full of middle-aged people, mostly women,

dead or dying parents,

and they're all squabbling over their inheritance.

That's your business strategy, is it?

Walk up to complete strangers and ask,

"Can I please come to your book club"?

Well, it sounded less stupid when I said it, but, essentially...

yes.

- What about the vertical blinds? - Hmm. There's no doubt they're tired.

Oh! Fisk! Pike's in reception.

- You haven't seen me. - What? Who's in reception?

Oh! Hello, Alice Pike. Hello. Alice Pike.

I just said that!

Yes, that's all doable, but, obviously, with a hard stop at 3:30.

Okay? Alright, circling back to where we left off.

The offer was deemed untenable.

Is this your new hardball act, Helen?

Oh, how tedious.

Oh, God, sorry. I thought you were still on the phone.

It's very hard to know with you. My client will accept 60/40.

And 60 goes to...? To my client.

Well, then, I'm sorry, no deal.

The offer was 50/50 or I see you in court.

Done. Thank you.

- 50/50? - No. I'll see you in court.

We're not going to court, Fisk.

Where...are you in the cupboard?

It's more of a storeroom than a cupboard.

So there's a few ways we can go with this.

And, obviously, it's your choice, Terry, but I will say...

You want me to accept 60/40, 60 to them, 40 to us. Why?

Because if we go to court, we might end up with nothing.

Oh, come on! Is Alice Pike really that good?

It's not about Pike. It's about OUR client.

Have a look at this bloke. Have a look.

- This one? - Mmm.

Alright, Brandon, uh, we're going to film today's session

so that we can help you work on your presentation, so...

You don't...George, you don't need me in this, just Brandon.

- That's Brandon. - Okay.

So, the first thing the judge might ask is,

"Mr.Hopkins, what do you do for a living"?

- Uh-huh. - And you would say?

Hi, Judge. Uh, yep. Okay.

So, uh...I run me own business, which is a party bus,

do a lot of hens' nights, a lot of bucks' nights, but...

anyone can book it.

Like, say, you and...you and your judge mates,

you want to go to the pub, I can come and pick youse all up,

and the beauty is, you can drink on the way to drinking at the pub.

- How good is that? - It gets better.

The sound system is next-level.

It's so good, a lot of people don't want to get off.

So we just drive around and everyone gets munted, on the bus!

Not me, obviously. I don't drink and drive, anymore.

- Stop. Let's try again. - Mm-hm.

This time, when I ask you what you do for a living,

stop talking after "I run me own business".

Yeah, but some people might not know what a party bus is.

Which I think's for the best.

George? Hang on.

Mate, put the camera back. We're gonna be here for a while.

Are we? 'Ray'?

Yeah, okay. Point made.

I...I can show you more if you want to see...

Uh, no need. No need. You had me at 'munted'.

'Ray'.

Here we go.

One, two, three, four.

* Ooh, I want to find a better place *
Oh.

* Ooh, ooh *

* I'm searching for a better place *

* Heaven, Heaven *

* Must be there *

* Well, it's there *
Well, it's just got to be there.

* I've never, never, ever *

* Ever seen Eden *

* But ah, ah, ah *

* I don't want to live in this place *

- Excellent. Where's your note? - Here it is.

* Mmm, ah *

* There it is, Bobbie, good *
Thank you, Roz.

* Lovely, lovely from you *

* Rozalind, I think the cleaner wants to see you *

The cleaner? What are you talking about? Oh, Helen. Hello! Come on in!

Wow. You're in a good mood.

That is because we're singing. It's the endorphins.

Oh, is that what it is?

Everybody, this is our new associate, Helen Tudor-Fisk.

Hello.

* Hello *

* Hello *

Hello!

* Hello! *

That's Maggie. She's our drone. Don't you love it?

- Very Gregorian. - Thank you.

Extraordinary. Have a drink!

Yeah, sure. What are we celebrating? We're rehearsing for a funeral.

Oh, fun. We also do weddings. Grab a flier.

Roz, don't forget. I'm gonna need a new top for Saturday.

That is noted. I'll get you a maternity skivvy.

Alright, ladies. Let's keep going.

Feel free to join us and watch the show, Helen.

Yeah. Alright.

I'll be, um, in charge of endorphins, shall I?

One, two, three, four.

* Aunty Maria *

* Ah *

* Aunty *

* Maria *
Ah.

* Rest in peace *
* Ah...ah *

We'll miss you. God bless.

Oh! Nice!

Do more church ones. Do more church ones. What's the other one?

The...who knows the Our Father? Come on. Everyone knows that one.

I know...I know it. Go, go, go.

* Our Father, who art... *

Nah. Bit slow. Bit boring.

Do the nun one where she rocks it with a guitar...you know, the...

* Our Father, who art in heaven... *

Alright. Okay, stop.

Stop. I think...now you're making fun.

Having fun. Sorry, Maggie, what was that?

Ladies, I hate to break up rehearsal,

but I've got a birthing class to go to.

Oh, great! Yes, and I've got book club.

Ooh! Book club! Can I tag along, Tina?

I'm Bobbie. Can I tag along, Bobbie?

Sure. Have you read Three Women?

Yes.

What about when they have sex in the car?

I know! Visceral!

Going to book club, Roz.

Hey, I won't be home for dinner tonight,

because I am off to Kay's book club.

Who's Kay?

I met her last night at Bobbie's book club.

And then she invited me to her book club.

I've got a few invitations, actually. I've got Anna.

She's another friend of Bobbie's. And then I've got Beverley someone.

Hers is the third Thursday of every month. I'll never remember that.

But the thing is, I've told everyone I'm lonely and I've got no friends.

Good on you for admitting it.

That's a good first step. Sorry, what am I admitting?

That you're lonely. I'm not lonely, guys.

I'm touting for business. I'm squabbler-touting.

Okay. I'm not lonely, guys.

Got heaps of...I've got friends.

Got a friend. Shut up. I do.

Raymond.

Show me. Show me these photos.

Oh, well, that's rubbish!

Terry's not a Gruber client.

I know that, Roz, but Pike's claiming otherwise,

and the board have asked us for a meeting.

Oh, they can have a meeting. Get them in here.

I've got nothing to hide. Calm down.

I'll give Alex Walker a call. He knows us. He's on the board.

And I'll just...yeah. I would like a meeting.

I welcome the opportunity to speak for myself and clear my name.

I really think it would be easier to just sort of...

do what you said.

Mmm. I'll organize a meeting.

That screen needs a wipe.

Just keep it short and sharp and efficient.

Yep. Oh, thank you, George.

Did you want me? Yeah, please.

Can you guys sit down for a sec?

So, Alice Pike has made a complaint to the Legal Services Board.

Oh, not about me? No, Helen, about me.

Oh, good. For me.

Not good for you, obviously. That's bad.

She claims I'm in breach of my suspension

and working as a solicitor.

Oh, hardly! You don't do any work. I mean, George and I do it.

What is Alice Pike's problem?

Oh, this goes way back to when Roz and...

The problem is...

I've always been a better lawyer than Alice Pike.

Back in the day, I gave her what for in that courtroom

on more than one occasion.

Roz also gave Pike's boyfriend what for at a party once.

That's the real reason.

Did you cuckold Alice Pike?

It was over 30 years ago.

He said they'd broken up. Did you just say 'cuckold'?

Yeah, we're doing The Miller's Tale at one of my book clubs.

It's about cuckolding, apparently.

I've not read it. What's cuckolding?

Is that the thing where you put the belt around your neck?

'Cause that's really dangerous, Roz.

No, it is not that.

Item two.

Thank you.

Got a bit of reading there, Helen? What?

Oh, no, these are for my book clubs. I don't actually read them.

I just wave it around, yeah, nod a bit,

then, yeah, eat the snacks, drink the wine

and tout for squabblers.

I could do that. Any word from the board, Raymond?

You got your wish, Roz. Alex Walker's coming in this afternoon.

Great! I shall prepare my defense.

Yeah.

The simple answer is no, you cannot freeze a potato.

Maggie. Maggie, I'm telling you, you're not in labor.

It's just Braxton Hicks.

No. That is definitely false labor.

I can hear it. I can hear it. That baby is not coming out today.

Oh, come on, Maggie. This is so important to me.

This is my chance...

Maggie?

Maggie? Hello?

Oh! sh*t! sh*t, sh*t!

sh*t. sh*t!

Helen! Yep.

What are you doing? Nothing. I wasn't.

Right.

You are my new drone. Don't know what that means.

Listen.

* Maa... *

* Ma-maa? *

* Maa *

Maa.

* Maa... *
* Ah... *

Lower. You're the drone. Lower.

* Oh... *

Use your diaphragm.

* Oh... *

That's your pelvis.

* Ah...ah...ah... *

Just...it's the one note. Just hold the one note, Helen.

I'm not a singer, Roz. I'm not asking you to sing.

I'm asking you to drone. Come on.

That's it. That's it. You've got it. You've got it.

Fisk, what are you doing?

* I'm the drone... *

Maggie's gone into labor, or so she says.

Alex is gonna be here in half an hour, but it's not too late.

I could still give him a call and explain everything.

Yeah, I reckon let's just do what Ray said.

Ray, this is about me going on the record and clearing my name.

Feels more about you showing off and doing one of your little concerts.

Uh, Roz, two of your black lady Wiggles are in reception.

And put this on.

Think you're a bit flat, Helen.

- You think? - Oh, for God's sake, Fisk!

Enough. You sound like a cow with a vuvuzela stuck up its a*s.

What time's Pike coming in to sign off on the 60/40 deal?

About five. Alright.

That's nice.

That's a true story. I'm not making that up.

Mate, true or made-up, it's still not interesting.

And I requested a quiet ride.

One star.

Ladies and gentlemen,

distinguished guest,

friends beyond the binary and member of the board.

It's a pleas...hurry it up, mate.

Thank you. Thank you, George. I'll take it from here.

Good afternoon.

May I present to you the Sadrigals, an all-woman madrigal group

available for funerals and memorial services.

And this...this is Terry.

Would you please state who you are for the record?

My name is Terry Montanello.

The Sadrigals will be performing

at the funeral of my Great-Aunt Maria this Saturday.

- And for the record... - There's no record.

This is an informal...

whatever this is.

My apologies. I'll rephrase.

And for those present, would you please state

what you are not, Terry?

I am not a client of Gruber & Associates.

Thank you. Helen?

I also am not a client of Gruber...

Pitchpipe, pitchpipe.

Yep. Sorry.

* Bwa *

Ah.

* Bwa... *

Ah...

* Bwa... *

* Bap-ba-dap *

* Da-da-dap mmm, doo, da-da-dap *

* Mmm, doo, da-da-dap *

* Mmm, doo, da-da, da-da, da-da... *

* Her love shines over my horizon *

* She's a slice of Heaven *

* Warm moonlight over my horizon *

* She's a slice of heaven... *

* Her love shines over my horizon *

* She's a slice of heaven... *

Everyone.

* Warm moonlight over my horizon *

* She's a slice of heaven... *

* Ooh... *

That, sir, is the work I've been doing.

Well, thank you, ladies.

- That was not only unexpected... - Mmm!

but also a complete waste of my time.

Oh. Terry, sorry for your loss.

Ray, you couldn't just call me, explain what happened?

Sorry, mate. You know what she's like.

I'm too busy for this sort of sh*t. I know. I know you are.

Thank you for coming in. I really appreciate it, Terry.

So the Sondheim's definitely in and so's the Jesus Christ...

She forgot to breathe! I can't get any air.

I can't get any air. Here, here. Here.

Alice Pike is here to sign some paperwork.

No, I don't want to see her. Get Ray to do it.

He's not here. Check the...stationery cupboard.

Checked it. He's not there.

Oh. Ooh! Ooh! You know where he would be?

Well, this is sad.

- Hi there. - Hi.

I just wanted to return these books, please. I, um...

Got the receipt there? Yeah.

I bought them by accident. So...

Is that hummus?

Well, I don't think so.

I can't take these back. They're filthy.

Well, I can't read them. They're impenetrable.

So, what did we think?

Did anyone else get the sense that the Shroud

was like a metaphor for the sins of man?

No, mate. I thought it was sh*t.

Thought we were doing the book about the cuckold.

I thought there'd be snacks.

Shall we go to the pub?

- Yep. Yep. Yep? - Leave those.

I'll whack 'em in recycling.