01x04 - Dead Man Texting

[bunniefuu]

Oh, don't judge me, May.

I'm stressed about Grady versus Grady.

I'm not gonna eat muesli, I need my Chocco Puffs.

Why don't you just tell Mr and Mrs.Gruber

that you've never been to court before?

Firstly, they're not married, it's not Mr and Mrs.Gruber.

And secondly, I have been to court, I know where it is,

I've just never argued a case in court before.

So, tell them that. Honesty's your best policy.

For getting fired. No.

A better policy is if I just keep pretending I've got experience,

and then just make Ray take the case back.

- I can do that. - Turn on the lights!

That's rude. Turn them on yourself, Graham.

- He shouldn't speak to you like that. - Oh, no. He's got a new smart hub thing.

Veloxa, turn on the lights.

You need to download special software. You'll have to tell him.

Oh!

Veloxa, turn on the lights!

Helen says you have to download special software for it.

Veloxa, download special software.

For the love of God.

- Guys...what are we doing? - Shh!

We're waiting for the special software to be downloaded.

Okay.

That's not how it works.

Alright? You have to go online, download the software.

There's probably an app you have to get for your phone.

It's quite complicated...

Software downloaded.

Okay, that one isn't, but most of them...are.

So you're lucky you got that one.

Alright. Moving on.

The executor of the Pinkerton estate isn't coping,

he's asked us to help.

Pinkerton? Was he the hoarder?

Don't say hoarder, Ray, it's pejorative.

Sorry, was he the guy who was rubbish bin challenged?

- Executor work? Bags not. - Yeah, bags not.

I'm sorry, since when did we apportion work in this office by bagsing?

We don't. That said, bags not.

This one's on you, Roz. Technically it's not legal work

so I believe it remains in your purview.

Agreed.

However, it is a big job,

so I've asked someone to come in and give me a hand.

Get out. You have not!

Oh, I most certainly have.

Oh, well done, Roz. This is magic stuff from you.

Nice one, Roz.

Sorry, I missed it. Who's coming in? What's happening?

Fun Peggy. She used to clerk here.

Hope you've got some of those old lady nappy things, Helen.

Because you are gonna wet your pants.

She's the funniest woman ever.

- She truly is just one of the greats. - Mmm.

Sorry, why have I got the Grady case?

Didn't I hand this over to you, Helen?

Yeah, I think that one's going to court, though,

so that was supposed to go to Ray.

Remember...remember the time when Peggy came in wearing the eye patch?

- Had she had an operation? - No, like a pirate.

- She's a loose unit. - She was making a point about focus.

Peggy has a diploma in communication therapy.

Right. That sounds made up.

- Ray did say he was going to... - Heyyyyyy-ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

She's here!

Look who it is!

- Oh, Peggy! - Peggy!

- Helen! - Yeah?

Helen, come and meet Peggy.

- Quick sticks! - Oh, running.

Hello, Peggy!

Oh! Bloody...yep.

Okay.

- Question for you, Helen. - Yes.

Are you ready to board the fun train?

Bit busy this morning, but if there's a fun bus later,

maybe I could get on that.

All roads lead to Fun Town, Helen. Get there however you like.

Honk! Honk! Fun Truck coming through.

I'm out of here before I lose my whole day.

Ray, don't forget that file, Ray.

The orange one. The Grady case. It's going to court...you could...

Or I can bring it to you, it doesn't matter. Whatever.

- Coffee? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, not you.

Oh, thank you.

Is it too late to order scones, do you think?

- Not a menu. - Oh.

It's inspiration. Okay.

- So, Carole, are these the texts? - Yes.

I typed them up with the date received next to each one.

Okay. "Happy anniversary, darling. I miss you. All my love, Leonard".

And Leonard's your husband?

Who died six months ago.

- But you got this text last month? - Correct.

While I was with Richard, my new lover.

"With" Richard, if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I do. Let's move on.

"My love, you look more and more beautiful every day, Leonard".

Two weeks ago.

"Carole, darling, can't wait to get lost in your bush?"

Oh, sorry. No, that's from Richard.

Just go down to the next one,

that came when I was at the supermarket last week.

"Don't forget the milk, my love, you always forget the milk. Smiley face. Leonard".

- Wow. This is pretty weird. - I know.

I only ever forgot the milk once. I mean, one time.

Yeah. I meant because he's dead.

Well, I know that's weird too, but honestly, the milk thing,

I mean, let it go, Leonard.

Yeah. Have you tried texting the number?

Yes. I got this.

Right.

"Your message could not be delivered. Heaven is outside the NBN network".

Right. Okay.

I thought there might be something about it in Leonard's will.

Yeah. Well, I've got the will, so I will have a quick squiz now.

Richard's only the second man I've been with, if you can believe that.

We met at a widows' wine tasting.

And one minute we were talking

and the next we were just kissing passionate...

I might need some, um...shush to concentrate.

It's quite busy language. So...

- Hmm. - Let me just...focus.

I do regret not putting it about more when I was younger.

I mean, how many men have you been with, do you think?

Sorry. I was not listening. But I'm sure it was interesting.

Look, the only thing that stands out in here

is a trust account set up to make payments to BTG Holdings.

Does that name mean anything to you?

No. I don't think so.

I think you're gonna have to leave it with me.

I'll get back to you as soon as I know anything.

- But, let's... - Oh.

- Let's get you out. - Thank you. It's interesting.

Mm-hm.

Leonard was a very selfish man in the bedroom.

Okay.

Whereas Richard...very considerate.

A beautiful lover.

- Always putting me first. - How nice.

Oh, is that from Leonard?

No. It's from Richard, my lover.

Okay. Don't encourage her, George.

Thanks, Carole. I'll...

..let you know how I go.

- Can you please look into that for me? - BTG Holdings?

Yeah. I just need an address or a phone number.

- I can't find anything. - Did you search the dark web?

No? How do you do that?

Normally I just type "search the dark web".

- Does that work? - Not so far.

But one day, who knows. I might catch them with their guard down,

suddenly I'm in and I'm dark webbing.

Yep. Sounds like how it happens.

Can you put that on Ray's desk for me?

Don't tell him it's from me, just put it on his desk. Thank you.

Beep! Beep!

- Oh... - Beep!

Yep. Safe to...safe to go.

- Rarr! - There we go.

Oh, good fun. Good fun.

Roz?

Rozzy, they're chalking the tires.

- What was that for? - Always be ready.

An agile body means an agile mind.

There you go.

Thanks. Just what I need.

Someone wasn't ready.

- How are you fitting in Hell-Bear? - Helen? Oh, look out, here comes trouble.

Ray doesn't want this. He says he can't be arsed going to court.

And this is the address you wanted.

Ooh, where'd you find that? Dark web?

The light one.

Alrighty. Me, back to the grind.

Mmm.

See you, George. I'll be late tomorrow.

I'm checking out this BTG Holdings place.

- No worries. See you. - Oh, Helen, hang on a sec.

Always be ready.

She's been hiding down here the whole time.

- Wow. - The whole time.

That is such a good use of your time.

- Hi, Viktor. - Good girl. Right on time.

Come in. Come in. I'll let your dad know you're here.

Thank you.

See how much easier life is when you make an appointment?

Yes. Appointments are the heart of every family.

Now, he's still beavering away at his memoirs

but I say it's time for an aperitif.

How about a little sherry?

- Do you like sherry? - No.

A little sherry for you there, Helen.

Oh, yummy.

Helen tells me she's never been to court, Tip, not once,

- I don't believe it. - It's true.

Oh, Helen, don't be silly, that can't be true.

Never argued a case in court. Just imagine.

Well, I can't. I can't imagine that. Are you sure?

Jesus, get me a bible, I'll swear on it.

- Alright. Don't snap. - Sorry.

Why don't we have a little mock trial, bit of role play,

let Helen practice her court game.

- No, I don't think we need to do that. - Wonderful idea.

No. I just wanted to talk to you about the case.

Shall I fetch your wig? Add a little gravitas?

- I want an idea of procedure.- Oh, yes, the wig. Why not?

Let's take the old horsehair out for a run. What do you think, Helen?

Yeah. Great. Let's all put wigs on and pretend to be in court.

You don't get a wig.

Proceed.

Right. So...

No.

What's that face?

Well, you didn't bow.

You've got to bow to the coat of arms above the judge's head.

Okay. How's that?

Well, that felt a tad sarcastic.

It should be more of an earnest nod to justice.

Like so.

Spot on. Very nice, Tip.

- Better. - Hmm.

Alright. Good morning, everyone.

What...what? What?!

"Good morning, everyone". It's not school assembly.

You say, "Good morning, your honor".

Whatever. Can we just fast forward to the bit that matters.

Respect for convention, procedure and due process,

it all matters, Helen.

Do you have the affidavit, Miss Fisk?

Yes. I have it. Just hang on.

I'm sorry, did you just ask the court to "hang on"?

Either present the affidavit or declare you don't have it.

I'm looking for it, just hang on, give me a second, Dad, I mean...

..your honor, whoever you are,

obviously there's more than one affidavit here,

- so which one am I looking for? - Oh, Helen.

- Not helping, Viktor. - Don't badger the defense.

- Oh, for f*ck sake. - That's contempt.

May I see the plaintiff's bank records.

No. I don't have them. I'm still waiting for copies.

- So why are we here? - This was your idea.

I just wanted to get some tips.

You two wanted to come in here and yell at me in stereo.

This is exactly what's going to happen, Helen.

Judges are busy people. You cannot waste the court's time.

Preparedness is key.

But do you have to be so mean about it?

You know, "Ooh, look at me and Tippy, we know everything about court".

"I'm the boss. I wear a wig. Helen's an idiot".

I don't even want to go to court, Dad. Court's stupid.

Helen. Helen. You mustn't say that, not about our justice system.

- Oh, who cares? - Oh, dear, tears.

No, not tears.

- Tip, can you deal with that? - We can't have tears.

I'm not crying. I'm just frustrated. And I don't even care.

And I'll just see you both tomorrow for dinner.

6:00 PM Helen. We like early dinner.

Yes. I know.

- Well, don't be late and... - Don't be early, either.

Well, that didn't go well.

- Wig. - What?

Respect the wig.

Oh...

"Veloxa can make calls and send texts with ease".

Give that a go.

Veloxa, send Helen a text.

Okay. What would you like it to say?

Say hello.

I'm right here, guys.

Did you get the text?

Yeah. It says, "Say hello".

Oh, great. What else is there?

Ooh, we've got music and entertainment.

Veloxa "find us some beats".

- Searching. - I'm heading off, May.

But, oh...you don't care.

'Cause...got a breakfast discotheque going on.

Enjoy that.

- Is this BTG? - Yeah.

- Which stands for...? - Beyond The Grave Messaging.

Take a seat.

So...on this?

Yeah. Yeah.

So, you're the one sending text messages from dead people?

It's an automated system, but essentially, yes.

I need to shut down an account, the widow is not enjoying the texts.

That's interesting feedback. What exactly isn't she enjoying?

The fact that they're coming from her husband, who is dead.

- Okay. What's the name? - Leonard Vyvian Foxton.

Am I sitting on this right?

Yep. Got him. He signed up for the gold package,

which includes Geo-tracking.

I don't know what that means.

When the widow's phone is located in certain places,

- it triggers specific messages. - Like the supermarket.

That's a rather uninspired use of it, but yes.

How do I stop it?

You could tell your client to stop going to the supermarket.

Let's assume my client needs to eat occasionally.

How does she get her groceries

without being haunted by her dead husband?

- You'd have to close the account. - Great. Let's do that.

Alright..I'll just need permission from the account holder.

- Who is dead. - Yes.

It's tricky, isn't it?

Yeah.

Always be ready to be agile in business.

And agile in the agileness of mind.

Hey, hey, hey. Settle down there, fireball.

We're not doing agility bats at the moment. Thank you.

Don't snatch.

And do you know why?

Because it's time...to...

..work.

Yeah. We're in work mode, Helen.

- So... - Work mode.

Feels more like Playschool mode, George.

Hey, Ray?

- Always be ready... - Jesus.

Arrgh! Don't!

Okay. Listen.

This case is going to court,

and I could do it, I just think you should do it.

Yeah. I've told you, I'm not going to court, it's a massive time suck.

Exactly. That's why I hate going to court, too, such a time suck.

Whose time, do you think is more important, Fisk?

I want to say...

- Mine. - ...yours.

Is there a problem? 'Cause you are starting to sh*t me.

There's no problem, Ray.

I'm going to go to court, like I've done countless times before.

Don't even worry about it.

Oh. Funny every time.

- Never gets old. - I know.

It's really good, isn't it?

- Helen, what are you doing out here? - Oh...God.

It's not 6:00 o'clock, Viktor

You always say, "Be on time. Don't be early, don't be late, be on time".

Helen, don't be so silly. Come inside. Look. I've had a great idea.

I'm going to help you organize your court documents.

No, thanks. I don't want anymore of your help.

- Helen? - Jesus!

What are you doing? Come inside.

Tip's going to show you his special system,

help you with your court case.

No. I know what happens. You both just yell at me.

- No. Thank you. I'd rather... - No-one is going to yell...

Come on, Helen. Get out of the car. Come inside.

Tony, leave the door alone, I'm doing it. Come on.

You leave the door...I can't get out that side.

- Just open this side. - Both of you, hands in the air.

For heaven's...

God, you're like a pair of geriatric car jackers

that don't know what they're doing.

You just pull the button.

I don't know what you thought you were doing.

Colors, post-it notes, documents.

Good.

- The post-it note is your friend. - Okay.

- Always remember that. - Yep.

Why am I tabbing twice?

This, this...

There, into your pile.

No. No. No.

Don't touch. Just stand back.

What about this one?

You don't need that.

Exactly the way. Apricot for affidavit.

Apricot for affidavit. Well done. Good job, Helen.

- Gorgeous. Thank you. - Nice.

Hey, Viktor, here's a funny joke.

Puerile.

- Do you want another one? - No. I'm good.

I want to see an affidavit now. Go!

- No. Too long. - Yep. I've got it...

- Here it is. Done. - Too long.

You've been dismissed from court. It's too late.

You've got to be quicker. Try again.

And the affidavit?

Ah, well done, you.

For the record, the judge won't applaud you.

I'm just being encouraging, Tip.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Ooh, well done again.

I find in favor of the plaintiff

and congratulate Ms.Helen Tudor-Fisk on a wonderful job.

Well done, you.

Thank you. Bring it in, Viktor. High five?

No high fiving in court, Helen.

- I'll high five you, Helen. - Good on you, Dad.

That's the spirit. I get one from the judge.

- Uh... - What?

Just a moment.

Respecting the wig.

No, Dad, it's fine.

Dad, we've missed the moment. We've missed the moment.

- Veloxa, send Helen a text. - Oh, Veloxa, please don't.

I'm right here. Good morning, Graham.

Good morning, Veloxa. Will you be joining us for breakfast?

I'm sorry. I don't understand the question.

Don't tease her, Helen, it's not a toy.

It's not a Tamagotchi either. You don't have to walk it.

- Today. - Second shimmy.

That's it.

Yeah. It is good. Yeah.

- And work... - And play.

We move the company forward, today.

- You went a bit early. - Yes. I know. A bit early.

When we connect...

Through work...and play.

We move the company forward today.

Helen!!!!! Get in here!

Yeah. Come on.

I'm coming.

Come on, Fisk. Get involved.

Yeah. Okay. Why not? I like chips. I'm in.

Hey, good news, everyone, about Grady versus Grady.

It's going to court and I'm all over it.

Yeah. I'm going to win that case

and then I'm going to move the company forward today.

But next week when I go to court, not today.

No, I don't think so. No. That one's not going to court.

- Yes. It is. - Nuh.

They called this morning and agreed to settle.

No. No. No. We're not settling, no way.

- Can you give us a sec, guys? - No way. You are kidding.

Not doing it.

Leave the chips, mate.

We're not settling.

I'm all over it.

This always happens, Fisk. Nobody wants to go to court.

Last minute they make an offer. And it's a good offer.

No. It isn't. I reckon I can get heaps more.

I think they're running scared,

'cause they know there's a Fisk on the case.

I say we reject the offer. All in favor?

Oh, come on, guys. I'm so prepared.

You should see my system. Court is all about preparedness.

I'm telling you, I can win this if you let me take it all the way.

Ehh, you might, you might not.

I worked really hard. I know I can win it.

Yes. But it's not about you.

It kind of is about me because I've never argued a case in court before

- and this is my big chance... - What?!

- ...to prove to everybody... - What did you say?

I said, I'll accept the offer, just as you suggested.

Thanks for your wise counsel.

Let's pretend this conversation never happened.

Hey, Peggy, I think your clock's wrong.

Apparently it's time to crush Helen's dreams.

Classic Helen.

Never been to court?

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if she even has a law degree, Raymond.

You've got a chip on your chest.

Right. You.

Listen up. Carole, take a seat. It's surprisingly comfortable.

What is this?

That is a letter informing you

of my intention to apply for a personal safety intervention order.

A what?

It's like a restraining order to stop you from sending texts to my client.

I have evidence they are causing severe mental anguish.

- There's no evidence of that. - I beg to differ.

I have an affidavit from Carole Foxton

who swears the first time she got a message from her dead husband,

she almost stepped out in front of a bus.

That's true I did.

I have security camera footage showing my client

dropping a full jar, a full jar of gherkins in the supermarket,

upon receiving a text reminding her...

Badgering, it felt like badgering not reminding.

..badgering her to get the milk.

These don't show anything.

I have a medical certificate

stating that Carole Foxton has a weak heart.

Receiving a text message from a dead person,

could induce shock and/or death.

I have a stat dec from Richard Froggert.

- Who? - He's my lover.

Carole, I thought we agreed

you weren't going to use that word anymore?

- We said "Paramour". Remember. - Sorry.

- Richard is Carole's paramour. - Her what?

The gentleman with whom she is having relations.

- What? - Oh, for God's sake, they're doing it.

Okay. I don't need to see a picture of that.

It's not a picture, it's a statement.

Richard claims that the texts are affecting their sex life.

It's interfering with...

You know what? It doesn't matter what it says, we don't need to read it,

just know that it's there

and further proof that these texts are causing psychological damage.

- And physical. He finds it very hard. - No. No.

- to get an... - No. Carole.

We don't need to get into that. I just made that point.

How long did all this take you?

Two days. Just two days. All this and more.

- Shall I go on? - Please don't.

- Running scared, are we? - No. I'm just bored. Alright?

I'll shut down the account. She won't receive anymore texts.

Thank you. Case closed.

I find in favor of the plaintiff.

Don't bang my stuff.

Yeah. I did go a bit hard. I'm sorry about that.

- Carole...get you out of there. - Thank you.

Next time, just block the number, you whack-job.

I'm sorry. What's that now?

You could have just blocked the number.

- What's happening? - It's not your business, Carole.

Wait for me outside.

I couldn't have just blocked the number and I'll tell you why.

A, because then you would still be taking money

from an account that technically belongs to my client.

And, B, I didn't know you could block a number.

But that is handy information.

Can you tell me how you do that because my uncle is driving me...

You know what? I'm going to work it out myself.

It's probably in the manual. I'll have a look. Okay?

Let's go, Carole. Carole?

This way. Yeah. Thank you. Let's go.

Hey, uh, Peggy's leaving.

Oh, okay.

You have to come and say goodbye.

Oh. Alright.

And that's it. Another job well done.

And another absolute hoot of a week. Thank you, Peggy.

- Aw, thank you. - See you, Peg.

See you on the socials, Georgie. HelBear...

- See you, Peggy. - It's been a real treat.

Just need to chase you up for that merchandise cash.

It'll be $20 for the bats and $15 for the clock.

Come on. 15 bucks?

- It doesn't even work. - Doesn't it?

- Can I just give it back? - You could, you could, you could.

But wouldn't you want to invest in your personal growth?

I think you should invest, Helen.

- Are you investing? - I would but I can't afford it.

How about I do you a buy one, get one free deal, Helen?

Thanks, Peggy. Thank you, Helen.

How does that work for me?

- I take card if that's easier. - Fine. Yep. Sure.

Thanks for the good times, Peg.

- Here you go, mate. - Thanks, Ray.

Oh, you sure you don't want to purchase it

and invest in your personal growth?

What did I tell you? One of the greats.

Thanks, Peggy.

Oh, and an EFTPOS surcharge.

Oh...come on.

I need to see HR.

Veloxa, how do you block someone's number?

To block someone's number, tap the info button

next to the contact or phone number.

Then tap "Block This Caller"

sh*t. That really was quicker.

Veloxa, how do you search the dark web?

Alert activated.

ill*gal activity detected.

- Ooh...hey. Hey. Hey. - Any search of the dark web

is unlawful

and considered a threat

to national security.

Shush.

Your ISP has been recorded

and forwarded to the relevant Cyber...

Oh...

Helen, what on earth are you doing?

Alrighty. We've got 10 minutes I reckon, May. 10 minutes. Get out.