01x01 - Portrait of a Lady

[bunniefuu]

(TRAFFIC HUMS)

Peacock and Lee for
10 years in Sydney.

But you're originally
from Melbourne?

Yeah, I moved to Sydney
when I got married,

but then recently my husband
ran off with an older woman

so I thought the best way
to deal with the trauma...

..run away, so here I
am back in Melbourne.

That's just a temporary
address, though.

I'm just in an Airbnb
till I sort myself out.

None of that's relevant.
I'll just shush.

(CHUCKLES) I don't
see a reference.

No? No. Is there a reference?

No? Oh... (TUTS) No.

Oh... (TUTS) No.

Can you get a reference?

No.

Well, that's
going to limit No.

Well, that's going to
limit your options.

Well, that's going to
limit I will take anything.

I will take anything.

Family law.

Except maybe... Yeah,
I do contract law.

Except maybe... I don't
have any court experience.

I don't have any
court experience.

And I'm not really a
people person, so...

And I'm not really
What about dead people?

What about dead people?

Not really a dead
people person either.

Gruber & Gruber, a
small suburban firm

specialising in
probate and wills.

It's nothing fancy. That's
alright. I'm not fancy.

No.

Is this how you would
normally dress for work?

Is this how you would normally
dress Yeah. Every day.

Yeah. Every day.

I've got three
suits all the same.

Saves time. Never have to make
a decision about what to wear.

It's great. Is it? (CHUCKLES)

May I suggest that you polish
yourself up for the interview?

Ah...I think this is beyond
polishing, don't you?

Could you at least lose
the festival of brown?

You are blending into the chair like
some sort of furniture chameleon.

Annabelle, do you
mind if we talk about

this job that's come
in for next week.

this job that's come in
I'm really not sure... Oh!

I'm really not sure... Oh!

I am so sorry. I did
not see you there.

Thank you. I like your suit.

Thank you. Reminds
me of cheese.

Reminds me of cheese.

Ooh. Strong choice.

Ray Gruber. Helen Tudor-Fisk.

Tudafish? What is
that? Is that Dutch?

Fisk. Fisk with a K.

Oh, hello. Not Fisk as in...

Justice Anthony Fisk,
yes, that's my dad.

The great man! Yeah,
retired now, but yeah.

I only went before him a couple
of times. I liked his style.

Real talky, your dad. Loves to
talk you through the judgement.

Ooh, he does love
an anecdote. Yep.

Alright, what have we got here.

Peacock and Lee. Good firm.

Is there a reference with that?
Peacock and Lee. Good firm.

Is there a reference with that?
Er, yeah...should be there.

Is there a reference with that?
The agency didn't send it?

The agency didn't send it?

Do you want me to
give them a call?

I'll see if they can send it over...
Do you want me to give them a call?

I'll see if they can send it
over... No, we're all good, Helen.

I'll see if they can send
it over... You know why?

You know why?

'Cause I like your
face. This one?

A lot of experience
in that face. Mm-hm.

Says, "I've been around the block,
I know what I'm doing." Yeah?

Says, "I've been around the
block, "I'm a workhorse." Yeah?

"I'm a workhorse." Yeah?

"Plain and simple. I get the
job "I'm a workhorse." Yeah?

"Plain and simple. I get
the job done." Am I right?

"Plain and simple. I get
the job Yeah, that's me.

Yeah, that's me.

Plain and simple
and...like a horse.

Helen, when someone
dies, it's sad.

Mm-hm.

Then it's kind of boring.

There's a lot of business,
Then it's kind of boring.

There's a lot of business,
a lot of paperwork.

There's a lot of business,
What we've found here

What we've found here

is that people would prefer to
deal with a more mature lady.

Can't say 'lady' anymore.
It's sort of...um, female.

Non-male. Whatever
you call yourself.

Non-male. Woman, usually.

Woman, usually.

Point is, you are one.

So tick, tick and
tick, Helen Tudor-Fisk.

Tick, tick and tick,
as in, I got the job?

Yes! No-one in this pile
even comes close to your age.

Yes! No-one in this pile
What are you? 50? 55?

What are you? 50? 55?

47.

You look older.
Which works for me.

Start Monday? Sure.
Great. Thank you.

Welcome aboard. Great stuff.
I'm loving the yellow.

Welcome aboard. Great stuff.
Oh, good, because I just...

Oh, good, because I just...

I'm joking. I'll see you
Monday. No hi-vis, yeah?

OK.

Thanks very much.

Sorry. Do you want to come in?

Who's the walking banana?

That's your replacement.
She is the new you.

That's your replacement. Is she
afraid of being hit by a car?

Is she afraid of
being hit by a car?

Where's the reference?

Agency forgot to send
it. Relax, she's a Fisk.

A what? Justice Anthony Fisk.

She's the daughter of
a Supreme Court judge.

Exactly what we need here,
Rozalind. A little bit of class.

(BIRDS WARBLE)

(DOG GROWLS SOFTLY)
Oh, good, good.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Yes. Hi. Juliana?

You've called me about a
million Yes. Hi. Juliana?

You've called me about a million
times. What's the problem?

OK, um, your grandmother
is in my bedroom again.

She keeps coming in here and,
you know, cleaning stuff up...

Apparently you're really
messy and she doesn't like it.

Apparently you're really messy
Yeah, but I'm renting the house.

Yeah, but I'm renting the house.

No, you're Airbnb-ing the house.

It's the same thing.

Not really. Yes, really.

And the listing said I
would have the whole house

and your grandmother supposedly lives
in the flat down the back, so...

She lets you have your dog
here so you should be grateful.

She lets you have your
dog here I am grateful.

I am grateful.

Um, but she needs to
stop I am grateful.

Um, but she needs to
stop feeding the dog.

Doesn't need to be fed
by her. I feed the dog.

Doesn't need to be fed by her. She
doesn't need to feed me either.

She doesn't need
to feed me either.

There's a fridge full of food there
She doesn't need to feed me either.

There's a fridge full of food
there that she keeps bringing me.

There's a fridge full of food
there Why is she bringing me food?

Why is she bringing me food?

Because you've complained
that the stove is broken.

What do you think
she was going to do?

What do you think I thought
she might fix the stove.

I thought she might
fix the stove.

Oh, OK, and now with the
shoes. See, I need to...

They're my shoes.

Yeah, can you explain
the rules, please?

Sure, but...

(EXCLAIMS) (MUTTERS)

OK, I know it's tough but
that's...rules are rules.

I don't make the rules but we all
need to abide by them, so thank you.

I don't make the rules but we all
Oh, thank God. Oh, God, my shoes.

Oh, thank God.
Oh, God, my shoes.

God, can I have
my shoes, please?

Jeffo!

Yep, yep. Looking at
the numbers Jeffo!

Yep, yep. Looking at
the numbers right now.

Yep, yep. Looking at the numbers
Not bad. Could be better.

Not bad. Could be better.

Can always be better.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Ah, yeah. That's classic Bevvo.

(LAUGHS)

But hey, let's talk timing.

Jeff? Jeff?

You're cutting out.
Mate, can you hear me?

You're cutting out.
Jeff? Can you hear me?

Jeff? Can you hear me?

Mate, we can all hear you.

Call me back when
you can, Jeffo.

Um, hi. Hi.

Yeah, I'm really sorry but
I have to ask you to leave.

Yeah, I'm really sorry
Me? I have to leave?

Me? I have to leave?

Yeah, you can't
shout in the cafe.

I didn't shout.

You're talking
aggressively, so...

You know, your vibe You're
talking aggressively, so...

You know, your vibe
is, like, really loud.

OK, fine, but for the
record, this is loud.

(SHOUTS) Wha-hey! Bevvo! Yeah,
I'm an important businessman.

Business, business, business.
Numbers, numbers, numbers.

Business, business, business.
I'm important! That's loud.

I'm important! That's loud.

But what I'm doing now,
what I was doing before,

that's talking at a perfectly
reasonable level for a cafe, OK?

that's talking at a perfectly
Can you please just go?

Can you please just go?

A lot of us find shouting
really triggering.

Oh, f... Triggering.
Yeah, righto.

(MUTTERS) God...

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Sorry, what's it for?

It's for the website.
The "Who We Are" page.

I'm the webmaster. Oh.

(CAMERA CLICKS) I
think that's enough.

If you're happy with that...
Yeah, I don't care...

If you're happy with that... Oh,
God no. OK, take another one.

Oh, God no. OK,
take another one.

(CAMERA CLICKS) Maybe you
could put a filter on it.

Yeah, maybe.

Helen. Yes.

I'm Roz Gruber. Office manager.

I see you've met George.

The webmaster. Yeah.
Still taking pictures.

Webmaster... He's
our probate clerk.

Any questions on
process, see George.

Any questions on
process, Will do.

Will do.

And, sorry, did you say
you're one of Will do.

And, sorry, did you say you're one
of the Gruber & Gruber Grubers?

And, sorry, did you say you're
one of Yes. I'm Raymond's sister.

Yes. I'm Raymond's sister.

Right. But you're the office
manager, not a solicitor?

Not anymore. She's
been struck off.

I've not been struck off. I've
been temporarily suspended.

But you could get struck
off at any moment.

Why don't you go and
do something useful.

Yeah, I'll fix Helen's
face. Thank you.

Yeah, I'll fix Helen's face.
Let me take you on a tour.

Let me take you on a tour.

Great. Can I ask Let
me take you on a tour.

Great. Can I ask why
you were suspended?

No. OK, I won't.

So, kitchen. Bushells,
International Roast.

Anything on this
side, help yourself.

Anything on this side, OK.

OK.

Twinings, fancy biscuits,
teacups, etc, on this side

for client use only.

Please bring your own mug
for use around the office.

And the Corn Thins
are mine. Hands off.

Morning, Fisk! Any special
milk, that's on you.

Got a bunch of files
to get you going.

Righty, I'm ready.
Raymond, do you mind?

I'm in the middle of an induction.
It's not a hall of fame, Roz.

She hasn't had a lot to do
since she was struck off.

Suspended. I've been suspended.
I have not been struck off.

Still a bit touchy.

We're in here now.
Yep. With you.

Coming.

The toilet key lives
on this hook by my desk

The toilet key and must
be returned at all times.

and must be returned
at all times.

OK. And where's the toilet?

Just up there to the left.

Inside? So why do you lock it?

I like to keep track.
Keeps the boys honest.

(WHISPERS) Keeps
the place clean.

OK, so do you check
it after every visit?

Well, not after every visit.

Obviously I do have other things
Well, not after every visit.

Obviously I do have
other things to do.

Obviously I do have other things
Sure, but do you see the problem?

Sure, but do you
see the problem?

If you don't check
it after every visit,

theoretically I could get
blamed for someone else's mess.

theoretically I could get
blamed Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

Someone else leaves the place
in a state, you don't check it,

I use the bathroom,
you DO check it,

you might think I'm the one that
left a crime scene in there.

you might think I'm the
one that left Listen.

Listen.

The toilet key
lives on that hook.

Mm-hm.

You can see my point,
though. No. No.

You can see my point, though.
Rare, medium rare, well done.

Rare, medium rare, well done.

All done and inducted?

I don't know. Have you
finished All done and inducted?

I don't know. Have you finished
talking about the toilet?

I don't know. Have you
finished Yep, all good.

Yep, all good.

I don't quite understand why you
would lock it when it's insi...

Yep. I have. Good. Alright.

Yep. I have. Well, we
have got you in there

Well, we have got you in there

until we can sort an
office out for you.

OK, great. Please, follow me.

Watch the edge of that. That'll
get your knee every time.

Shall we go in? Yes.

Helen. This is Ruth
O'Malley. Hello.

Ruth, I'm going to leave you
with our new associate, Helen.

But don't you leave without giving
me that apricot chicken recipe.

But don't you leave without
giving Will do. Thank you, Roz.

Will do. Thank you, Roz.

So, Ruth, can you just
give me one second?

Mm-hm. Hey!

Sorry, Roz...who's Ruth?

She's the client.
Your client. Already?

Oh, I thought first week
I'd just be reading files

and reacquainting myself
with probate law, you know.

Like, an actual client
just feels a bit...eugh,

it's a bit full-on
for a first day.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Is the job not to
your liking, Helen?

No.

No, it's to my liking. A lot!

So, yeah. Let's get in there...
No, it's to my liking. A lot!

So, yeah. Let's get in
there... with the client.

Yes, let's. OK.

OK, Ruth. Go.

Beg your pardon? Start. Talk.

What do you need?
What can I do for you?

Ah. Well, er, hubby
suggested I should see...

Ah. Well, er, hubby Husband.
Husband. Don't say hubby.

Husband. Husband.
Don't say hubby.

Are we on the record?
Do I need to be formal?

No, I just don't like
the word 'hubby'.

For some people it's
'moist'. For me it's 'hubby'.

For some people it's
'moist'. Anyway, keep going.

Anyway, keep going.

Um, my mother died
recently and...

Yeah. OK.

And I am sorry for
your loss. Thank you.

In her will she left
half her estate to me

In her will she left and
half to my brother, Dean.

and half to my brother, Dean.

Mm-hm. and half to
my brother, Dean.

Mm-hm. On one condition.

Is that the will? Can
I see that, please?

Yes. Yep. Thank you.

Now, as you can see...

Shh. Just let me read it.

This says your brother
only inherits his money

This says your brother
if he has a vasectomy.

if he has a vasectomy.

Yes. if he has a vasectomy.

Yes. No.

You can't put conditions
like that in a will.

But he has five children
to five different women.

It has to stop. Oh, I
couldn't agree with you more.

But unfortunately, you
can't force a person...

This is a legal binding
document. Is it?

We used a proper will
kit from the post office.

We used a proper will kit Yeah,
and I'm trying to tell you

Yeah, and I'm trying to tell you

your mother can't make your
brother have a vasectomy,

and neither can you.

And before you ask me,
neither can the post office.

Not in their purview,
I'm afraid, Ruth.

(KNOCKS) Did you speak to
anyone at Peacock and Lee

(KNOCKS) Did you speak to
anyone before you hired Helen?

before you hired Helen?

No, I didn't, Roz. I
made a judgement call.

Well, perhaps a phone call
might have been more useful.

Did you know she was fired?

Yep.

No.

Did not know that.

It's not about the money,
it's about the principle.

It's not about
the money, Sure...

Sure...

If you ask me, it was the shame

that finally drove my
mother into the grave.

Well, shame and cancer,
according to these records.

Sorry? What?

Sorry? She should
be supervised.

She should be supervised.

Well, you can't sit in with
clients. You're suspended.

I know.

Come on. Really? Yes, come on.

Seriously, Roz.

I would if I could but I can't.

I've had a heavy lunch.

OK, so is there a death
certificate I've had a heavy lunch.

OK, so is there a death
certificate in here?

I didn't see one.
It's all in there.

I didn't see one. Oh,
it looks fine to me.

Oh, it looks fine to me.

It's just too old birds
Oh, it looks fine to me.

It's just too old
birds having a chat.

What I should ask is what does
your brother say about all this?

I assume he's not keen on the
idea or you wouldn't be here.

No, he's afraid it
might affect his work.

What, is he a professional
sperm donor or...

What, is he a professional
No, he's a p*nis painter.

No, he's a p*nis painter.

That's OK. No judgement.
No, he's a p*nis painter.

That's OK. No
judgement. It's all art.

He paints penises. No,
he paints WITH his p*nis.

He paints penises.
Er...with...and...why would he...

Er...with...and...why
would he...

How can... Sorry, just explain to
me Er...with...and...why would he...

How can... Sorry, just explain
to me how does he do that?

Look, I'm sorry, I really
don't want to go into details.

Look, I'm sorry, I really
don't Totally understand.

Totally understand.

Unfortunately, I need to
get Totally understand.

Unfortunately, I need to get
everything down for the record,

Unfortunately, I need to
get so can you tell...

so can you tell...

What does he do?
How does he do it?

He goes to parties and paints What
does he do? How does he do it?

He goes to parties and paints
people's portraits with his p*nis.

It's a form of
entertainment, apparently.

I'm sorry, you're not
writing this down.

No, so let's call that...
What do we call that?

Like, it's a c*ck and
canvas type of thing?

Look, I just need you to tell
me if I can get a court order

so I can force him
to have a vasectomy.

OK, let me explain
something to you, Ruth.

OK, let me explain This
is not going to court ever

This is not going to court ever

so you need to get that idea
right out of your head right now.

so you need to get that
idea I think you're wrong

I think you're wrong

and I think a judge would
come down I think you're wrong

and I think a judge would
come down on my side, so...

I think you haven't heard a
word I've said this whole time.

Sorry, I can't hear
you. You're mumbling.

It's very irritating.
Can you speak up?

It's very irritating.
Yeah, OK, I'll speak up.

Yeah, OK, I'll speak up.

Here you go. Maybe
this will help you.

Can you hear me now? Ray.

You. Ray! Raymond.

You. Cannot. Force someone.

Cannot. Force someone.

To have. A vasectomy.

It's against the
law. Mate. Step out.

Just...she said she
couldn't hear me so I was...

It's OK. I think she heard
you towards the end there.

Yeah.

Can you guess what
I'm going to say?

Is it, "You were right, you can't
Can you guess what I'm going to say?

Is it, "You were right, you can't
force someone to have a vasectomy"?

If it's about the megaphone thing,
I was just trying to make a point

'cause she wasn't listening.

Is this why you were fired
'cause she wasn't listening.

Is this why you were fired
from your job in Sydney?

You don't know... How
do you know I was fired?

Roz rang your old boss and he
said you attacked a client.

Roz rang your old boss and he said
OK, hang on, I didn't attack her.

OK, hang on, I
didn't attack her.

I did shout and I might have called
her a silly old wh*re, but...

Jesus Christ! I know,
I'm not proud of it.

That's why I didn't bring
it up in the interview.

And in my defence, I
did have just cause

because she was
having an affair...

You know, you might have
just lost us a client.

You know, you might have just
Do you know what a client is?

Do you know what a client is?

Yes. A friend you
haven't met yet.

It's money, Fisk. Cash money.

Ruth's going to
come back tomorrow.

I told her Helen had a back injury
Ruth's going to come back tomorrow.

I told her Helen had a back injury
and had taken too many painkillers.

Thanks, Roz.

Silly old wh*re? You're kidding.

Extenuating circumstances.

Turns out the client,
Extenuating circumstances.

Turns out the client,
the silly old wh*re,

was having an affair
with Fisk's husband.

I knew there was something
not quite right about her.

She just needs a
bit of guidance.

I'm sorry? You want
to keep her on?

Seriously, Rozzy, I cannot be
arsed interviewing any more people.

Can't you just do some of
your mentoring sh*t with her?

Can't you just do
some of Oh, alright.

Oh, alright.

You're good at that.

I know.

Can I get a small
flat white, please?

Can I get a small flat
white, No, you can't.

No, you can't.

I don't think this is
any of your business.

Actually, it is my
business. The whole place.

You can get your
coffee somewhere else.

You can get your coffee OK.

OK.

So just to clarify, do you mean I can
get my coffee somewhere else today

but then tomorrow we're all
good and I can come back here?

No?

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Morning, Roz. I
got you a coffee.

You know there's a very good
cafe downstairs called Artisan?

Yeah, I actually prefer this.

I don't know if you've
tried it. It's interesting.

I don't know if you've tried it.
Morning, all. Ooh, the dollar brew.

Morning, all. Ooh,
the dollar brew.

Yes. Morning, all.
Ooh, the dollar brew.

Yes. All yours, Ray.

Yes. $1. How do they do it?

$1. How do they do it?

I think they buy cheaper beans.

Mm. You know what
that tastes like?

Savings.

That's from me. I
bought that Savings.

That's from me. I
bought that for you.

That's from me. I bought that
What do you want? A dollar?

What do you want? A dollar?

No, I was just saying, little present
to say thanks for not firing me.

Thought you bought it for me.

Yes, and thank you for
not firing me too, Roz.

Yes, and thank you
Thank you, Helen.

Thank you, Helen.

Webmaster.

Are you ready for me, Roz?

I'm sorry, did you want to
eat Are you ready for me, Roz?

I'm sorry, did you want to eat
your greasy snack before we start?

Oh, no, they came free with
the coffee. Do you want one?

Oh, no, they came free No,
I don't want one either.

No, I don't want one either.

Don't put it in my bin. No,
I don't want one either.

Don't put it in my bin.
It'll stink out my office.

Now, Raymond has asked me to work
with you on your people skills.

Now, Raymond has asked me to
work Oh, I like your pants-suit.

Oh, I like your pants-suit.

Oh, thank you.

Where's it from?

I think it's a Noni B.

See what I'm doing?

Is it pants-suit research?

I'm making a connection.

Often our clients
have lost a loved one,

Often our clients and do
you know what they need?

and do you know what they need?

A pants-suit? and do
you know what they need?

A pants-suit? A friend.

A pants-suit? You have
to find a way to connect.

You have to find
a way to connect.

I pretended to like your outfit.

What if a person likes to cook?
I pretended to like your outfit.

What if a person likes to cook?
You could ask them for recipes.

If they go to church, try bringing
Jesus into the conversation.

If they go to church, try bringing
Hmm, I wonder what Jesus would do.

Hmm, I wonder what
Jesus would do.

And if they're a farmer, Hmm,
I wonder what Jesus would do.

And if they're a farmer,
you could talk about...

And if they're a farmer,
Hay. Cows. Manure?

Hay. Cows. Manure?

Um, wanting a wife.

The weather. Um,
wanting a wife.

The weather. Ah!

Yeah, I thought of the weather,
and then I didn't say it.

Yeah, I thought of the
weather, I went with manure.

I went with manure.

(TYPES)

Good morning. Oh.

Good morning. Good morning.

I'm not going to hug you because I've
still got a bad back from yesterday.

Let's get started.

Because?

That's what Jesus would do.

Because at Gruber & Gruber,
That's what Jesus would do.

Because at Gruber &
Gruber, we get results.

Sorry, I didn't know we had
a catchphrase, but I do now,

Sorry, I didn't know we
had so I'm onto that.

so I'm onto that.

I'm going to leave
you so I'm onto that.

I'm going to leave you in
Helen's very capable hands.

And you've met George.
He'll be taking notes.

I'm the webmaster. You're
the probate clerk. Come on.

Let's go, Ruth. Come on!

Ruth, there's really
only two choices.

Ruth, there's really
It's this number or this.

It's this number or this.

Do you understand? No.

OK, I'll say it again.

This number,

or this number if you
keep going down this road.

Maybe try a pie chart.

Sometimes it's easier to
understand than numbers.

Sometimes it's easier
OK. Um, yes. Good idea.

OK. Um, yes. Good idea.

Can you get me a knife?

Stay there.

This'll help.

Imagine this sausage roll
represents your mother's money.

Now, you get half,

your brother Dean gets half.

It's so simple.

Does Dean get his
procedure? It's so simple.

Does Dean get his
procedure? No, he doesn't...

Not interested. OK.
Let's try again.

Imagine... Argh!

That's the order of service
for my mum's funeral.

Beg your pardon for that.
That was an accident.

Here we go.

Imagine this sausage roll represents
your mother's money. Here we go.

Imagine this sausage roll
represents your mother's money.

I would prefer it if this sausage
roll represents Dean's p*nis

and this represents a vasectomy!

and this represents a vasectomy! Clearly a
circumcision gone horribly wrong, not a vasectomy.

Clearly a circumcision gone
horribly wrong, not a vasectomy.

Ruth, if you pursue this, most
if not all of your inheritance

will be eaten up by legal fees.

Look, I'm a lawyer. Watch me.

Ooh. Oh, that was a legal fee.

Mm. There's another one.

Is that Ruth's
inheritance? Ooh, yum-yum!

(MUMBLES) All this
is going to me.

You won't get any
of it. That's gone.

You won't get that back.

Oh, hang on. Oh,
God, maybe you will.

No, that's gone.

Now, you're going to end up
with this, Dean will get this,

and he will still have this. Now, you're
going to end up with this, Dean will get this,

and he will still have this.

That's his whole p*nis.

I just want to go to court...
That's not going to happen.

I just want to go to court...
..and then I can take the stand...

..and then I can
take the stand...

We actually say, "Get
in the box" here.

..where I can explain to
the jury, to listen to me...

Ruth, Ruth, Ruth,
there's no jury, OK?

It's not like television.
Come on, I'm trying to help.

I think I need another lawyer.

Yeah. I think you need
one from Law and Order.

(SIGHS WITH DISGUST)

That's not gone well.

Can I have a couple
of bites of legal fee?

Can I have a couple
of bites Yeah.

Yeah.

How did it go?

Yeah, good, good.

Did we get probate on
this one? Er, um, maybe.

Oh, she's forgotten
her funeral thing.

I'm just going to grab her.

She only just left.
I'll catch up.

And I'll ask about the probate.

Why is there a knife in here?

But I like it extra hot.

If I scald the milk, you
won't taste the beans.

If I scald the milk, But
that's how I want it.

But that's how I want it.

Out! You're still banned.

Yeah, I know. Ruth...

Ah, good. My lawyer.

Oh, now I'm your lawyer.

Ruth, come on. We don't
need to be here. Let's go.

Ruth, come on. We don't need
I know somewhere much better.

I know somewhere much better.

Just so I know, how long is the
ban? I know somewhere much better.

Just so I know, how long is
the ban? Are we talking a week?

Just so I know, how long is the
ban? Is it a month? Is it...

Is it a month? Is it...

You've got some pretty
lame facial hair.

You too, lady. Rude.

He's unbelievably
rude, that guy.

And speaking of which,

I'm so sorry I put a sausage
roll on your mum's face.

That was a terrible
thing to do. I didn't...

That was a terrible thing
to do. That's alright.

That's alright.

It's just been an extremely
difficult time at the moment.

Yeah, I know. I understand
what you're going through.

Yeah, I know. I
understand Do you really?

Do you really?

Yeah, I do, Ruth.

I mean, you know, I don't
have Yeah, I do, Ruth.

I mean, you know, I don't have a
brother who paints with his nob.

I mean, you know, I don't
have Obviously. Who does?

Obviously. Who does?

But I lost my mum a
couple of years ago

and, you know, we
were really close.

It's very hard. I know that.

So just...will you let me
buy you a coffee, please?

Just let me take you somewhere
nice and buy you a coffee.

Just let me take you
somewhere nice Sure.

Sure.

It's like one of
Melbourne's hidden gems.

It's like one of Melbourne's
It's great coffee. Come on in.

It's great coffee. Come on in.

(DOORBELL CHIMES) Hey, buddy!

(DOORBELL CHIMES) We'll
just sit up the back here.

We'll just sit up the back here.

Sit down here. Are we
allowed to sit here?

Yeah, yeah, I do all
the time. I'm a regular.

Latte? Yes, please.

Great. Just grab a couple
of your dollar brews.

That is delicious. Oh, great.

Hey, Ruth, I know you don't
want to talk about it,

but I really have to know,
how does he do the painting?

but I really have
to know, Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I just...I can't even
fathom it, Oh, God.

I just...I can't even
fathom it, you know? Just...

He has a website. OK.

There he is. Right.

God, so he really does
paint, like, with it.

Mm-hm. Gee. He is...

He is banging that thing
around. That doesn't hurt...

Hey. Oh, hi, mate.

I don't mind if you want to hang
out here, pretend it's a cafe

and drink this shitty coffee

but you can't watch
porn in here, OK?

but you can't watch porn
in here, Shut it down.

Shut it down.

Is he serious?

Mm. There's a lot
of c*ck in there.

This coffee's delicious.

Want another one?

Er, yeah, sure. Why not?

Excuse me! It's
Michael, isn't it?

Uh-huh. Can I please
have two more lattes?

Push the button, you can kind
of just get 'em yourself.

Grassroots. Get it yourself.

Oh, man.

Well done, Fisk.

Hear we're doing
probate Well done, Fisk.

Hear we're doing
probate for O'Malley

and no-one's getting
their d*ck cut off.

Yeah, they don't cut your d*ck
off when they do a vasectomy.

Helen. Yes?

Helen. Fixed your
face for you.

Fixed your face for you.

Ooh. Uncanny.

That looks just like me.

No, it doesn't. It
looks heaps better.

No, it doesn't. I spent
23 minutes on that.

I spent 23 minutes on that.

You're right. It's heaps
better. Thanks, Webmaster.

No worries. OK.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Argh! Don't! What...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm Dean. I'm Dean.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm Dean. I'm Dean. Mm?

I'm Dean. I'm Dean.
Ruth's brother.

Ruth's brother.

OK. How do you know...

How do you know where I
live? OK. How do you know...

How do you know where I
live? I rang your office.

The webmaster gave
me your address

and your beautiful
partner let me in.

My... What? My
partner? Oh, God.

My... What? My
partner? Hi. Hi, Minh.

Hi. Hi, Minh.

Here for you, Dean. Ahh.

Enjoy. Cam on, beautiful lady.

Thank you. That
means thank you.

She's a keeper. Lot
of love in this food.

She's not my partner. God.

No judgement. Love is love.

Now, Helen, there's something
that I want to do for you.

What?

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, God, no, no!

Oh, no, thank you, no.

Please, let me do this.
It would mean a lot to me.

Mm-mm... You'll love it.

Thank you but no.
One moment in time.

Thank you but no.
Just... (SIGHS) O...

Just... (SIGHS) O...

OK, yes.

But one condition. Can you...

..paint from a photograph?

Morning, Fisk! Hey, Ray.

Great minds! Yes.

And...got you something.
Little present for the office.

What do you think
about that? Ooh, sh*t.

Ooh, I like that. Yeah?

A bit of art. Mm-hm.

That's classy. Who is
that? Is that an Anh Do?

That's an O'Malley.
Ruth's brother.

What, the d*ck painter? Yeah.

What, the d*ck painter? Wow!

Wow!

So all of that's
done with jizz? No...

So all of that's done
with jizz? It's...paint.

It's...paint.

I think it's paint.
It's...paint.

I think it's
paint. Ooh, superb!

Yes. Perhaps I
should get mine done.

Yeah, you just send him a
photo. He works from a photo.

No, I'd prefer to sit for it.

She knows it was
painted with a c*ck?

She knows.

Wow.

[DEAN] Have you sat
for an artist before?

Oh, many times. Yeah.

Many times. Yeah.

Mm.

Archibald. All the rest.

Oh, really?

Keep your eyes looking at me.

That's good. Yeah.

And tell me, Dean, what
medium are you working in?

I prefer acrylics. Mm.

I prefer acrylics. Anything
water-based is best.

Anything water-based is best.

Oh. Yes, of course.

You don't want to be rinsing
that Oh. Yes, of course.

You don't want to be
rinsing that brush of yours

You don't want to be rinsing
that in turpentine, now, do you?

in turpentine, now, do you?

(CHUCKLES)

OK, just going to
do your eyes now.

Look at me.

One...

..and two...two. That's good.

Do you want it signed?

Oh, I'd love it signed.

Have you got a
dimple in your chin?

No, you haven't. Have you
got a dimple in your chin?

No, you haven't. No.

You've got a glint
in your eye. (LAUGHS)

You've got a glint in your
eye. What's your middle name?

What's your middle name?

Joanne. What's
your middle name?

Joanne. Joanne.

Yeah. I thought so.
Did you? (LAUGHS)