01x06 - Im Selling

[bunniefuu]

That's what we're offering, subject to survey.

Now, if you'd like to retain
an interest in the business...

I don't, I want out,

You do realise that we're investing
in the reputation of Shawcross & Son,

that we'll be purchasing the name?

Yes. You're welcome to it.

I need a baby catcher in three!

[Woman cries out]

[Strumming on acoustic guitar]

- Come on.
- Come on what?

Something.

- Do you want surprises or no surprises?
- I dunno.

No surprises.

You don't know what you want.
You want everything, innit? OK.



- Don't spend it all at once.
- But I want a jacket.

Give us an extra 50.

- All right. Meet me back here in an hour.
- You gave him 200.

Sorry about this,
but if I give you one more sweep...

Anything to bring me on.

Hi.

I'm Dr Havers_ Just saying hello, because
I expect we'll be meeting up again later. OK?

Good luck.

Sorry, I'll be back in a minute.

Excuse me.

- Did your mother never teach you manners?
- I beg your pardon?

Don't ever barge in on one of my women
like that again!

How would you like it
if I took your trousers and pants off,

and had a load of people in to say hello, hm?

Sorry.

So you should be! Don't do it again.

And you won't be seeing her later.
There'll be no necessity for you to see her later.

DORIS:
Do you want me to give you a blood test?

You just seem a bit tired, washed out.

A bit irritable, you know.

I mean, you're probably just anemic

The boys are going crazy cos their dad's here.
I'm going crazy cos he's here.

My mother's going out
with my other ex-boyfriend,

William's gone weird on me,
and it's Terence's birthday.

I don't need a blood test.
I need a bloody unaesthetic

- Your mum's going out with Rick?
- Yeah.

Really?

Anyway,
you'll see them tonight at Terence's party.

Reuben's invited everyone.

- Is William coming?
- Yeah.

And how's he?

- Haven't seen him, have I?
- See you later.

- Hey, babe! Come on! Party party!
[Boys cry out]

Where's the car? Let's get home.
I want to change.

Hang on, wait. I've got to go somewhere first.

[Boys protest]

Hey, hey, guys, guys, guys, guys. it's OK.

- Where are you going?
- I've got to go to see William.

Well, you're not going to be long,
are you, darling? We'll come with you.

Oh... OK.

I'm back, Arnold.

Sorry I'm a bit late.

RADIO: Right well, let me show you
around the ballroom.

Ballroom?!

- Lower Loxley has been in the family for years.
- Oh, is that right?

Yes. The Pargiters have lived here
for a very long time indeed.

- It's a lovely building.
- Very impressive.

His wife brought it in.

He always went to sleep
listening to Radio 4.

And can we leave it on?
She wants it in the coffin when he's buried.

Let's hope they're long-life batteries.

Hello, Jane. Have we any more viewings?
- No.

- Right, shall we put him back in the fridge?
- I'll get the trolley.

William?

Mr Cummings from Excelsior
will be here the day after tomorrow first thing.

Right. Good. Thank you.

May we ask what's going on?

J” Theme tune to the Archers

Can we turn this down a touch?

Um...

Yes. Excelsior Funerals.

I was going to talk to you
when I knew the exact details,

which I should have
the day after tomorrow,

but, well, I'm selling Shawcross & Son.

Now, I don't want you to worry.

You can both stay on with the new owners,
if you want,

or you can take your pensions.

But whatever you decide,
you'll each also get 5% of any price I get,

because I really value
what you've put in to this firm. I really do.

And I want to thank you for that.

But why, William?

I don't want to be an undertaker any more.

[Doorbell rings]

Shall I go?

Trolley.

William, it's Mary.

Hello, stranger.

[Whispers] Mary, do you think I can have
a word with you later?

Yeah, sure.

Come here. I missed you.

- Did you?
- Course I did.

No, don't go.

What's that, then?

That is Terence's birthday present. it's a violin.

You bought him one?

Yeah. He plays that well, you should
encourage him to take it up again.

And I wonder if you would take it
and give it to him.

I don't think I can make it tonight.
I'd just feel awkward with you and Reuben.

- Oh, William...
- There's someone to see you.

Hey, man, don't worry. it's only me.

Hey, wow! Right, yeah!
Nice to see you again, William.

I've been listening to
that band of yours, that CD.

Seriously wicked, man. No, no.
I want to see this band play!

Things should happen
and that's my line, so...

Tonight, me and you,
we're going to chew the fat!

Babe, I've got things to do.
Running late, yeah? Later, man!

See you tomorrow, William.
Bye, Mary.

- Good night.
- Bye.

Sorry. They came to meet me from work.
I didn’t

Oh, please come tonight!

Please! I want you to come.
I want to be with you.

Are Rick and Molly going to be there?

Yeah. God, it's going to be awkward.

All right, I'll come.

Good!

Don't worry about it, she's coming.

Yes! At last!

- Jane, yeah. Sorry.
- It's all right.

TERENCE: Mum!

- You might know all about this, but it's dreadful.
- What?

William selling up.
He's selling Shawcross & Son.

- Mum!
- I'm holding you up.

I didn't know anything about this.
I'll talk to him.

REUBEN: Get in the car.
TERENCE: I'm going to miss my own party!

I will talk to him tonight, I promise.

REUBEN: Let's go, let's go.
So, who's driving?

No, come on, let me drive.
I never get to drive.

All right. Dangerous car, anyway.

[Doors shut]
- Let's go.

- Kate, Kate, Kate.
- What?

Hang on.

- I want us to all go in together.
- Why?

I just do, that's all.

Yeah, look at her go!
Trippin' the light fantastic!

Oh, hey!

Rolling back the years, eh, Mum?

Don't you "Mum" me,
you good-for-nothing!

Rick, you old w*nk*r!

I heard you moved in on Mary
as soon as I went.

- Is this true?
- Well, no.

Hiya, William!

Wow! Who are these?

- Er, Kate, Julia, this is Reuben.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Beautiful.

- Well, come and join us, girls.
- Hi.

Thanks for coming. We need to talk.

By the way, everyone, tonight is on me.
Come on, William.

- Mum, can I open my presents now?
- Yeah, course you can.

- What's that? An U*i?
- What do you say?

Thanks.

That's OK.

Come on, boy. Tear at it.

[Unzips case]

So cool, innit? Like father like son.

REUBEN: Ooh, wow!

- Look, Gran.
- Oh, Terence. Give us a tune.

Give us a jig
and Molly will dance for us on the table.

You mean, you play that?

Well, used to, but never practiced.

It should be in tune.
They played it in the shop.

[Chatter]

I bet even Kate could guess.

OK. We all know it's Terence's party, but...

Well, first of all,
I want to say, Mary and I are just so lucky.

- We've got a hell of a couple of kids here.
- What was your contribution?

You mean, you can't remember?
Sorry. Sorry.

It was uncalled for. Just slipped out. Sorry.

But listen, I've missed plenty
of Brendan's birthdays too, so...

Happy all the birthdays I've missed, boys.

I'm sorry. Your surprises.

Oh, sh*t, yeah!

- Brendan!
- It's a CD writer.

- What's that?
- Oh, safe, Dad!

- Oh, sh*t again!
- Terence!

- Yeah.
- A digital camera!

You can make ten-second films on it, as well.

KATE: Can we use it now?
- Hey, first photo. Family photo.

- Who can work these? William!
- Afraid not.

- Doris is good.
- Doris, do the honors!

Come on. You, me and the boys.

Come on, family. Gather round.

Rick, there you go.
That's for the front room. Thanks.

Oh, yeah. Great. Thanks.

- Ta!
- No, you're welcome.

- There's another job you could do.
- Say sex, everyone!

- Kate!
- Nice one.

Wait a moment.
What's the background like? No.

Doris, can you take it from there?
Mary, come round.

I want to get some greenery in.

Excuse me.

REUBEN: Portable jungle

I want a nice photo.
The background matters.

Come on, let's go.
Everybody squeeze up, now.

Come on, Doris.

See the little thing at the back, yeah?

- Say Tennessee.
- Tennessee.

[Mobile rings]

I've got to show you this, man. Wicked.

My ranch, my grounds.

Is that mine?

- Where is it?
- 30 miles outside Nashville.

- Hello?
- Blimey, how do you afford all this?

Yeah... Yeah.

- Sorry, everyone, I've got to go.
- What do you mean?

People die, I get called out.
Could you drop the girls off?

If I'm going to be late,
I'll ask Mrs Ball to come round.

- I'll come and say goodbye.
- No, it's all right.

- If this doesn't cover it...
- No, man!

No, I insist.

Sorry, everyone. Bye-bye.

- William?
- I really do have to go.

Yeah, I know. I spoke to Jane today.

Oh, right. Yes.
Well, I'm selling up, yeah.

Don't you think
we should talk about this?

About selling up? No.
About what comes next, yes.

But when there's time

- There she is.
DORIS: Can we have some more drinks?

Mum, smile! You're on camera.

Can I get a Coke?

So who are you going out with
these days, Rick?

Where is she? Why isn't she here
so I can vet her?

She is here.

Ahh!

He's going out with me.

[Laughs]

That's great.

So, how's the girls?

J" Blues

- Are you all right?
- No, I'm worried about William.

Worried about what?

You know what I heard today?
And not from him.

That he's selling up.
He's selling the undertaker’s

Oh, my God!
How much will he make?

Mum!

No, I mean, they make a lot of money,

with all those cars and the buildings
and everything.

It must be worth a fortune.

- Who's that?
- William's selling the undertaker’s

Mum, this is a private conversation.
Don't you ever learn?

I'm sorry, but it's so exciting.

Look, can we just pay the bill?

That's mine. What's the damage?

Worth every penny.

I think he's quite good-looking.

You must have fancied him once.
You had his kids.

[Mary laughs]
JULIA: Dad's back. The car's here.

- Thanks, Mary.
- Yeah, thanks.

I'm going to come in.
I want to see him.

[Plays along to blues]

[Music off]

So, no-one died?

I wouldn't say that.

- Who rang you?
- Me. I rang myself.

I told you I didn't want to go.

And I was right.

Bad enough thinking about you
being with this man.

I really don't need to see the two of you
carrying on like you'd never been apart.

I beg your pardon?

He claims you, Mary,
and you can't resist him.

The way you turn to him, the way
he looks at you when you're talking to him.

- Turn to him when?
- Do I really need to see matching tattoos?

What am I to do with that?

How do I not see that
every time I see your arm from now on?

OK, OK.

And what is he doing staying in your flat?

He's got all this money,
he could be in a hotel,

but, oh, no, he's staying with you.

He's not staying with me,
he's staying with the boys.

He hasn't seen them for seven years!

And he's only here for a week!

OK, why do you have to be there with him?

Why don't you just let him get on with it?

Instead you're staying there with him.

Or you come and stay here with me.

- William, you can't do this.
- What can't I do?

We talked about Reuben staying
and you said you understood.

You obviously don't want to answer my question,
which I find interesting.

I've had to stay with the boys, OK?

I've had to, like I'll have to tonight.
Reuben can't be trusted.

- What do you mean?
- He's an arsehole An arsehole

Really? Everyone finds him attractive.

No, he's an arsehole and a liar.

I know him. I know him!
And people like him don't change.

Forget all that stuff about Tennessee
and the bands.

That's a lie.
That's going to be a lie.

Then why do you let him in the flat
in the first place?

Or why let him anywhere near the boys
if you can't trust him?

Or have you told them he's a liar
and an arsehole?

He's their dad!

Yeah, but if you've always known
that he's like this,

then why go looking for him
in the first place?

You're the one who started all this.

The boys needed to see their father.

Yeah. Or you did.

Sorry, I'm not taking this.

Yeah, obviously you've got to get back.

Why don’t we just not see each other
till this is all over, till he's gone?

Let's just leave it,
see where we are then.

[Music on]

REUBEN: A one two, a one two three...

[Reuben hums The Star-Spangled Banner]

- Hi, babe.
- Hi, Mum.

Have you seen the time?

Mum, don't spoil it.
It's still my birthday.

It's not. it's past midnight.

- Please, get some sleep.
- Hey, Tezzer, bed.

- Night, boys.
- Night, Dad.

- It was a great night, huh?
- Yeah.

Sorry, look, it's about time
you took yourself off to a hotel, yeah?

Absolutely. The boys are old enough
to take care of themselves.

And it's probably better
if they don't have to hear us.

- What?
- So what do you want to do?

Go together or do you want me
to find somewhere and give you a ring?

Come on, it was worth a try, Mary!

Cos you are looking
better than ever, darling!

You had one snot at screwing up my life.
You don't get another.

And I've got a man
that I really care about now, so...

get a hotel.

It's two in the morning, yeah?

REUBEN: Like father like son.

So cool, innit?
Like father like son.

Come on. You, me and the boys.

[Reuben and Mary laugh]

Darling!

[Tyres squeal]

Get back to bed, Brendan.

Where is he?

- Where is he?
- William!

No! No, no, no!

What's this about? What's happening?

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

I don't know.

- Sorry.
- Get out, William!

- I just thought that you...
- I know what you thought!

Just, just...just get out!

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry.

I can't handle this.

I don't want to do this any more.

This isn't me. I was never like this.

No.

Mary,

you and me,

that's it. Really.

I'm sorry.

Great.
Girls, I want you to do something for me.

I want the three of us, each of us,
on our own,

to think about how we'd like our life to be.

What we'd really like to do if only we could.

What are you talking about?

I don't want to influence you

because this is about the dreams
that each of us has for our family.

And big dreams, maybe, yeah?

It's about what we'd love to do if money
was no object and we could do anything.

But let's not talk about it now.

Let's think for a day

and then share all those dreams
with each other tonight, yeah?

And we can go to that restaurant
we used to like

- Dad, I'm going to the ballet.
- And you've got band practice. You're out too.

Have I? What are you up to?

- French grammar and physics, thanks.
- Oh.

OK. Two days to dream.
That's probably better, isn't it?

Then we'll go out tomorrow night. Great!

You have a nice ballet,
you work hard...

..and dream away. Bye.

- What was all that about?
- Search me.

Sorry, Doris, I can't,
I'm on home visits today.

Yeah. OK. Talk later. Bye.

I got the boys off to school.

Cappuccino or latte?

- Have you packed?
- Yeah.

Hey, Mary, you ever tried this?

Better than any machine. [Whistles]

Hey, perfect.
Have you got any chocolate,

for sprinkles?

So is William...often like that?

I mean, does he, is he ...

Does he often do that kind of thing?
Or is that a one-off?

I mean, cos if it was...

I know you're going to work now,
but if you wanted to see him later,

I could be here for the boys.

Even if you wanted me to come with you...

Maybe I should go
and have a word with him.

Obviously, I mean...

I mean, you can't have him coming
round and doing that, darling.

- Reuben?
- Yeah?

I want him out of my life
and I want you out of my flat, OK?

I don't want either of you around.

I just want it to be me and the boys.

So drink your coffee...

..and go get a hotel.

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

I mean, I can see the boys, right?

Of course you can see the boys.

[Door shuts]

Oh, did you not mean today?

Yes, yes, I did mean today, yeah.

- Are you all right, William?
- Yes, I'm fine. Thanks.

- What's the matter with it?
- Follow me.

- Morning, Jane. Colin.
- Morning.

This is the embalming room.
These are the walls.

There's a bit of damp in that corner
and again over there.

Up you come. Come up. Come up.

- [Mumbles] Sorry, I...
- Hm? The walls.

A couple of coats.
Don't worry about the woodwork.

I don't know why you're bothering.

That new firm you're selling to will come in
and rip all of this out.

I'm doing this for the benefit of us all.

- It'll be antiseptic and American.
- Jane, I'm just trying to get the best price.

If it looks good,
the surveyor won't ask questions.

Through here the walls could do with a coat.

[Mobile beeps]

- Ollie, pass it!
- No!

Ollie, pass my phone!

Ollie, just pass it.

"Wanna carry on
where we left off min the shed

and go baa-baa?"

Pass it!

"Double-dare you. 8 at my place."

Who's this from? Kate?

- Pass it and mind your own.
- Who's Kate?

You dirty lucky b*stard!

[Hums]

Oh, and some turps Get some turps

Arnold, I don't know if it's the done thing,
but would it be all right to have that radio on?

Oh, sure.

What's all that stuff for, then?

Embalming fluids and preparations.

So that big fridge is for er...

Remains. Corpses.

Cadavers

[Sighs]

[Gentle violin]

Hi

Brendan and his mates
have gone to the cinema.

OK.

Don't stop. Carry on, it's lovely.

Nah. I want to go and play it to Dad.

Eh?

- Are you ready?
- For what?

- To hear me play.
- No, you're all right.

I've been listening. Very good.
But strangling the cat's not really my thing.

- Hey!
[Doorbell]

Terence, would you get that, please?

Hi, babe.

- You don't listen to what I say, do you?
- Yeah.

Hey, look, it's a bit embarrassing,
but I've got a temporary cash flow problem.

It's OK, my bank's sorting it out.

It's just the time difference.

I'm just waiting for them to call back.

So you don't have any money?
Not enough for a hotel?

Well, yeah, if I want to be cleaned out.

- But your bank's sorting it out?
- They are, yeah. They are!

Right, so you can wait for the call
in a hotel.

Mary, come on. The time went on,
the boys came home

and I thought I should hang out with them.

- Reuben, I'm holding the door open for you.
- All right.

Ring me when you want to see the boys, yeah?

Yeah.

Mary?

- Oh, it was you.
- Aye.

What?

I...I know I'm poking my nose in. OK.

I know somethings not right
between you and William.

Mum, stay out of it.

I'm poking my nose in. Sorry. No!

No. No, I'm not sorry.

That man was made for you.

And since you're both looking so dreadful
at the moment,

I'm guessing you're both too stupid
to do anything about it.

I'm telling you to go and see him.

You have no idea what's going on.

I'm telling you to go round and see him.

- Done?
- No. No. I'm not done.

You're making the biggest mistake ever.

OK.

Bye, then.

You're a fool.

- Hiya.
- All right?

Come on in.

Yes, hello.
I'm looking at your website -

the lavender farm in West Otago,
South Island.

I just wanted to check with you the price.

that's $380,000.

Yeah. Yes, I'm very interested.

The exchange rate,
is that three dollars to the pound?

Sorry, I'm calling from London, in England.

- No, it's all right.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. OK.
[Mobile rings]

Well, I'll be in touch with you.
Yeah, all right. Bye.

Hi, Billy

Oh, er...sorry_ No, I can't make it.

Look, William, you need to rehearse this song.

- What song?
- Your soppy love song.

Oh, yeah.
No, I don't want to do that any more.

- Are you having a laugh?
- Hm?

Billy, I'm not coming, OK?
I've got other things to do.

Rick?

I'm going home. Any chance
you can switch everything off, lock up

- and post the keys back through the letterbox?
- Yeah, sure.

- So what do you think?
- You mean, go all the way?

I like it being the first time
for both of us.

And I know where Dad keeps his condoms.

- He might notice if you took one.
- Is that an excuse?

No. I mean... I'm just saying.

Well, I've got some in my wallet.

- I thought you said you'd never done it before.
- I haven’t

Come on, everyone carries some
in their wallet.

I mean, everybody does.

Go on, then.

[Door opens]

- Kate, are you home? I'm back.
- Dad?

I've had some great ideas.
How about you?

- Yeah, but I'm still doing my homework.
- Well, that's a new idea.

I'll see you in a bit.

[Hums]

J” ..was a man
What did he know?

J” Spent his time living in a casino

J” Never Know

♪ Couldn't get away,
couldn't ever get it anyway

♪ Couldn't ever level
cos he's living like a devil...

[Radio off]
[Sings] Hey, you ugly p...

[Faint voice]

He's not completely dead,
so you see, you mustn't go without me.

You must take me with you!
Please! Please!

Just open the door and let me show you.

You?e there. I know you are.

[Loudly] Please!
- Aaaargh!

[Doorbell]

Hey, man, can I have a word?

I won't keep you long.
Where do you want me?

Hey! Nice place, William.

Reuben, what do you want?

Hey, can I buy you a drink? [Laughs]

- Is this about last night?
[Reuben pours drink]

Well, yeah, it's a little bit to do with that.

But...l also wanted to see you before I go.

I hope I'm going to be going, anyway.

You and Mary have got a thing together,

which I guess I'm screwing up.

Well...

She's thrown me out.

I'm in a hotel now.
And I love her, you know.

I want what's best for her.
I want her to be happy.

And me getting out of her hair,
that's going to help her,

that's like me investing in her future.

And I was sitting in my hotel room
and I was thinking,

"That's William's future too.

I'm investing in him as well."

And um... I've got these couple of projects
I want to get going.

And I thought
maybe we could have some parity here.

I invest in you...and you invest in me.

And I wouldn't ask if you didn't have it.

But I know you're selling up.
So I thought 30 grand.




never to be seen again.

Alternatively, I can hang around.

You know? Cos I kinda like my boys.

And as I say,

I love Mary.

I can make a play for her, do you get me?

But for 30 grand, I'm gone.
Never see me again.

I'm history.

What about Brendan and Terence?

Interested, huh?

Yeah, don't worry.

I won't be in touch.

What do you say?

Reuben, I've grown really fond of your boys.
They're terrific kids.

Yeah, great! it's all to the good.

And the thought that you could ditch them,
knowing how much they think of you...

Hey, come on.
They did all right without me before.

They'll do all right without you again,
I don't doubt it.

But I won't be around to see it.

I probably won't even be in the country

because Mary and I, we're finished.

And however sad that is,
I'm not around any more

and won't be,
so get out of my house, please.

[Nervous laugh]

Look, man, I haven't got any money...

I said get out.

- So the surveyor did his job, eh?
- Yep.

- And this is your final funeral?
- Yep. I sign on the line straight after.

Can I just say, I think it's a crying shame.

And I'd leave it at that, except that...

you're the best damned undertaker
I've ever known

and for the people round here to lose you, it's...

Ach!

[Time bleep]

BBC Radio 4. The news at ten o'clock.

I want to know what this is about.

You come back at midnight,
and now you won't go to school.

And because you won't go to school,
he won't go to school!

What am I supposed to do?
Go to work and ignore this?

Why not? I'll look after him.

- I want to know what it's about.
- Hi, son. You all right?

- Do you want one of your coffees, Dad?
- Yeah! You bet!

Hey. Thought you should get these.

On, right, OK.

Yeah, can I... Can we...

Don't make him anything.

All my money's tied up
and I've got to get out of here.

So when would I get it back?

When I get home. I'll wire it to you.

- Is he asking for money?
- Brendan!

- Are you asking for money?
- Yeah.

I lost my air tickets and my credit cards.

- How much does he want, Mum?
- Brendan...

How much do you want?

About. .. £800

Not 30 grand?

Give him the money we were going to use
to see him. In fact, give it all to him.

- £2,500 OK?
- Brendan, calm down.

- Will £2,500 get rid of you?
- Get rid...

What?
You think you're getting anything from us?

- Brendan, stop it!
- Get off me, Terence!

I hate you, you hear? I hate you!

- Why you saying that?
- He don't care about us.

He don't care about me or you.
If you don't believe me, ask him!

- You do, don't you, Dad?
- Yeah, of course I do!

But I heard you! I heard what you said.

I love you, son. Don't listen...

- No, you don't!
- Brendan! Enough!

TERENCE: Stop it.
MARY: Please, just go. Just go.

- Ssh!
- Please.

OK? Just go!

I'm so glad, so glad that you're happy.

William?

- Don't do this.
- I have to, Arnold. I have to.

I'm sorry.

[Doorbell]

- Do you know what Rick's told me?
- Mum, I'm in a crisis here.

I still don't believe you.

- I think you're making it up.
- Why would I do that?

Why were you there in the first place?

- It is a fair question.
- I was with Kate.

- I'm sorry. Mary...
- Mum, please!

William is going to New Zealand.

- What?
- He's buying a farm in New Zealand.

- Don't be so ridiculous.
- Rick heard him on the phone.

- Mum, I'm dealing with something serious.
- Mum?

That could be true. I know
I wasn't supposed to be there, but I was.

- And I heard that you and William were finished.
- What?

Yeah, and he is going.
I didn't hear where, but he is going.

I dunno.
I think that makes me most upset,

cos if my Dad had anything to do with that...

You should have heard William
sticking up for me and Terence.

And you should have heard him.
He was really sad.

He was sad, Mum.

What? Are you just going to stand there?

Well, if that's it, if that's the end
of Shawcross & Sons, I'm getting drunk.

William, where's William?

- We're nearly there.
- You said that ten minutes ago.

- Get out the way!
- This is a bus lane. Take it easy.

I'm taking it easy. I'm calm. I'm fine.

- Mr Shawcross it's good to see you.
- Gregory.

Oh, God, go on!

There's nowhere for him to go.

Get out the way! Idiot.

Hi. Can you tell me which floor Excelsior's on?

- Fourth floor, madam
- Thanks.

Excuse me.

- William Shawcross
- Down the corridor, on your right.

Thanks.

William! Thank God!

Back, back. Out. Right.

- What is this?
- Exactly. What is this?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm sure I've got no right to say this, but...

- You're going to say it anyway.
- I am, yes.

- Because you are an undertaker, William.
- Well, actually...

No. You're an undertaker and an Englishman.

- I agree with the second...
- Just shut up and listen!

The man I fell in love with
is an undertaker,

not some farmer in New Zealand.

- So if you think I'm going to...
- The man you fell in what with?

I didn't mean to say that. I meant to say...

- What didn't you mean to say?
- That.

- What?
- Look, William, I just...

- No, no. You just said...
- I know what I just said. Can we move on?

Yeah, well, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I love you, OK?

I love you.

I love you.

And I've always loved you.

I've just been too scared to say it, that's all.

MAN: Yes, well, maybe we should...
- Yeah, bye.

I love you.

- And more than that...
- What?

Will you, William Shawcross,

marry me, Mary Gilcrest?

Do you want to hear it again?

- Will you marry me?
- Yes!

- Just one condition.
- Oh...

You darling man,

I know you've been robbed of
the life you could have had. I know you have.

But if that hadn't happened,
I'd never have met you.

Our paths would never have crossed,
and you are my everything.

And what you are is what we are.

I'm a midwife, you're an undertaken
We complete the circle.

I see them into the world,
you see them out.

And like you said,
the first time we went to bed together,

just one person used to do that,
and that seemed right.

So that's my condition,
that we keep it that way.

Because when the worst thing in the world
happens to people,

they don't want someone walking into their lives
who just wants to make money out of them

They want an angel to come.

And you are an angel,

and you mustn't change.

Angels can't sell up, they can't!

Otherwise, what's it all for?

So what do you say?

Don't you see,
you've got to be an undertaker!

Yes, yes, I do see that.

Right. So, will you marry me?

Yeah!

Only, um...l just signed...

- What? What do you mean?
- I sold it. I just sold the business.

I signed before you came in.

What? And you just stood there
and let me say all that?

Well, it was so nice.

Mary. Mary!

Mary!

Er, hang on a minute.
Can you give me that?

Sorry, there's been a mistake.

What's going on?

♪ I'm only human

♪ You're so divine

♪ But when they get you down
from heaven, baby

♪ That little angel of mine

♪ When did you get down from heaven?

♪ Little angel of mine

♪ Yeah

- Whoo!
- [Cheering]