03x06 - TV

[bunniefuu]

I'm moving back to the north.

What?

Yeah.

The mushroom trip has shown me soil,
as in home soil,

earth, as in salt of the earth...

..and loads of leaves
and bits of cardboard and sh*t,

which I don't think means anything.

Time to go home.

I don't think you can claim
the north is your home

when you've been in London
for 13 years.


The north is my home.

You've done it this time, mate.
You're a selfish stuck-up prick

and you don't care about nobody
other than yoursen.

And I'm glad you're leaving!

You know what,
it's not an easy decision.

Yeah, maybe I've got some demons
to face,

some scores to settle.

But I know where I belong.

♪ I went away for a while
but now I'm back

♪ Now I'm ready, gonna launch
and attack... ♪

A-level results day.

I needed three As
to get into Cambridge.

I mean, I had actually got
the grades,

I just had quite a limited range
of emotional expression

at that age.

This was to be the best day
of my life.

♪ One more time
Music's got me feeling so free... ♪

CHEERING

♪ We're gonna celebrate... ♪

I'd been going on to the others
for weeks about my plans

to celebrate,

but it was a lot to expect them
to turn up at school like that.

They'd be waiting for me at
their place for the fun to begin.

♪ One more time

♪ Music's got me feeling so free

♪ We're gonna celebrate... ♪

CHEERING

Disappointing. But I remembered that
Addy was going out for lunch

with Tania and her parents

and Craggy and Ralph had probably
both just gone into work

while waiting for me to text them
and would take the afternoon off

once they knew I'd got the grades.

I could just let myself in
with the spare key

and keep myself entertained
until they came home.

Oh, no f*cking way was that out,
umpire, you little bald-headed twat!

Bored, I decided to leave
the flat after an hour or so,

at pub opening time.

Still nothing from Craggy or Ralph,

but I texted again
to let them know where to meet me.

♪ Uh-oh, Bizzle's back in town

♪ Uh-oh, I've come to lock it... ♪

f*ck's sake.

You look different.

What? What do you mean, sorry?

I don't know.
Younger or something.

Well, thanks.

Hey, do you fancy, uh, coming
for a look round or a brew?

No, I'm actually leaving the area.

Moving back to,
uh, where I grew up.

Reconnecting with your youth.

Yeah.

A wonderful thing.

Yes, yeah. Yeah, take care, then.

But you can't cling onto your past.

What do you mean?

You know...

..it's at moments like this...

that I turn to poetry.

Bye, mate.

Bye, then, pal.

♪ One more time... ♪

Surprise! Surprise!

♪ We're gonna celebra... ♪

PHONE BUZZES AND RINGS

Hello? Now, then, Word Maggot.

Who's this, sorry? It's Rupert.

Rupert?

Oh, Rupert... Rupert...

Stop saying my name, Word Maggot.
f*ck's happened to your voice?

Well, I've lived in London
for 13... 12 and a half years, so...

Yeah, I actually saw on Instagram

that you're living in that,
uh, Clap Town.

Clapton. That's it. So, yeah,
it just made me think

if I were ever down in London,
could I stay with you some time?

Oh, well, I'm actually,
uh, moving out, so...

Cos I'm coming down for MMA -
you know, cage fighting and that.

Yeah, I know what MMA is. Yeah.

When's that? Today.

Today?

Yeah, I'm there now, to be honest,
Word Maggot. In Clap Town.

Can I come over?

Nice one. Good work, Elliot.

Word Maggot.

Tinhead, is your name Elliot?

Yeah. I never knew that.

There's a lot people
don't know about me.

What do you say we take these
winnings to the bar, then, big lad?

No, got to get
to me choir practice.

You sing in a choir? He just
told you there's a lot people

don't know about him. Get over it.

What you doing today, anyway,
Word Maggot?

I'm just celebrating getting
into uni.

What, by yoursen?
Where are your mates?

They've sold me out for work,
haven't they?

Right, well,
I'll help you celebrate it, mate.

I'll make sure you have
a sick day. Right, down that

and we'll go on a mad 'un.

All right, then. Yeah.

In a bit, Elliot.

Bye, Elliot.

In a bit.

OPERATICALLY: ♪ Ave Maria! ♪

HE SNIFFS

Shall we go back to the pub?

Nah, I'm too skint, mate.

What are you doing, you maniac?

Here, come over here
and say that, you div!

Why the f*ck did you do that?
I'm trying to make your day special,

make something happen,
celebrate your A levels.

Here. Don't, no...

Oi!

GLASS BREAKS

After a few tedious hours
at home listening to my parents

tell me how proud of me they were,

the lads finally texted
to say they were back.

The mayhem could at last begin.

Yes, boys!
Right, let's get to the pub.

First round's on me.

What happened?
Someone's smashed t'TV.

Who?
Well, Addy were the first here.

I told yer, I found it like this.

Well, no-one else has been here
all day, have they?

sh*t. Well,
let's just go sit at the pub.

f*ck that,
we've got a broken £200 TV here.

Yeah, I ain't going nowhere
till we find out who did it.

Well, it were obviously
one of you two. It wasn't me.

All right, let's just get
to the bottom of this ASAP,

and then we're going to the pub.

Right, let's take in
the crime scene.

Hey, look, what's this wet patch?

Who cares? Can't be arsed
with this Poirot sh*t, mate.

What's wrong with you?
Hungover, isn't he?

Had an industry awards do last
night for t'solar company.

One of the lads from Geothermal
brought schnecker -

it got messy, mate.

Right.

Anyway, here's my theory on t'TV.

Addy loves Pokemon and has been
known to let himself in

with his spare key
to play Battle Revolution.

He's also an incredibly
overenthusiastic player.

Charizard! Jiggly Puff! Squirtle!

This afternoon he came by,
loaded up his favourite game

before getting carried away
and letting go of the remote.

CRASH!

So, how are you going to
pay us back, Addy?

There's only one problem
with your theory -

namely that
I'm a master of Wii safety.

I always put the strap on tight.

I've even fashioned what I like
to call a two-strap system.

Not surprised
Liam would forget that, though -

he never even wears one strap.

Don't start trying
to bring me into this.

So, maybe it wasn't Addy. So then...

Who were t'last person
in the house before Addy?

We were both out last night.
I've been staying at me mum's house

cos this place is a right dump now.

And I went to Rachel's
after the awards do.

So, before that...

Craggy. Yesterday morning,
I left first, before him.

Wait, I know how t'TV were broken.

Craggy does Wii Fit Yoga
before work.

Do I f*ck!

I watch you through t'window.
I even got a photo - look.

All right, all right!
I need it for me back.

It's proper k*lling me lifting them
bags of compost all day.

Don't tell no-one.

If people find out I do yoga,
I'm finished in this town.

But so what? How does the fact that
I do yoga mean I broke t'TV?

You're always falling over doing
your little ballerina pose.

Uh, it's actually
called Warrior III.

All right, I might fall over a lot
but that doesn't mean I broke t'TV.

There's only one way
to prove it.

Craggy, we're going to need you
to show us your pose.

Why? For ballistics analysis.

We can see from the indentations on
the carpet

where Craggy always puts
the balance board.

Now, Craggy,

take us through it in slow motion.

Now...

What the hell are you doing?

I'm helping you out.

It doesn't really seem plausible.

I mean, he's not really
in the range of the TV.

And so we turn to Ralph.

Mate, I haven't been here for
two days. How could it be me?

What caused this?

I don't know.

And who brought home this copy
of yesterday's Metro

if you were both out last night?

Not me.

So, this wasn't you who started
filling in this crossword?

That's your handwriting, Ralph.

For "big cat",
someone's put Garfield.

It don't even fit in the box.
This is definitely you, Ralph.

Nah, I'm ringing Rachel.
She'll back me up.

LINE RINGS

Hello?

Rachel, can you confirm that
I stayed at yours last night?

What are you on about, Ralph?
You went home last night. What?

You called me, pissed
out of your head, when you got in.

You even sent me a photo.
I've got to go, love.

So, you WERE home last night.

I was smashed.
I don't remember owt.

Well, it's obvious what happened.

You came in pissed

and started causing carnage
in t'living room.

You then decided to have a go
on your much-cherished Wii Golf.

You then of course let go of
the controller...

CRASH!

..and the rest is history.

I just don't remember doing it.

Ah, but do you remember
not doing it?

No.

- PHONE RINGS
- Rachel's calling me back.

Hiya, love. You all right? Well,
he's definitely paying for that TV.

Definitely. Here, lads,

you won't tell no-one
about me yoga, will you?

If you come to the pub
right now, no.

All right, lad. Congratulations
on getting into uni. Thanks.

And I actually... We'll go
to Parlington for a few.

Then we should go into town,
go on a proper mad 'un.

I might need to borrow a few quid
off one of you

until my student loan comes through.
But...

Um, I've got proof I didn't do it.
What?

I sent Rachel a photograph
at 2.37am this morning

with the TV in the background
not broken.

Let's see, then.

I don't really want to show it.

Why should we believe you? Fine.

What the f*ck?! Why have you
just shown me your d*ck?

Cos you asked me to. No, I didn't.
I... God's sake, man, this day!

Early d*ck-pic adoption, this.
Fair play, Ralph.

Anyway, all that confirms is that
the TV was unbroken at 2.37am.

You still might
have broken it after.

So then I sent Rachel a voicemail

and she's just forwarded it
back to me.

VOICEMAIL: Message received
today at 2.38am.

DRUNKENLY: I f*cking love you.

I hope you like that picture
of my d*ck.

You know I'm self-conscious
about it.

Do we need to listen to this?

Also, right, I've got
a new idea for a business -

Uggs for dogs, cos you know dogs
get proper wet feet and that.

SNORING

What's happening now?

I think I'm snoring. I fell asleep.

How long does this go on for?
Five hours.

All right, that's enough.
You've made your point, Ralph.

So now what?

Somebody's obviously
not telling the truth.

Wait, the TV still works!

Nah, it's f*cked, look.

Wait, what's that?

It's Liam's Mii.

So does that mean...?
You were the last to play it?

It's weird, Word Maggot.

You... seem like a totally different
person to what you used to be.

Well, I'm not. So...

Mm.

So where are you moving to?

Well, I'm actually thinking
of moving back to Garforth.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Big shock for you, I'm sure.

I'm sure I ain't got the best
reputation in that town these days.

I'm sure tongues are wagging,

the grapevine a-chatter

with some damning words
being said about old Liam, eh?

Don't think I've heard anyone

mention your name in about
ten years, Word Maggot.

Anyway, Leeds are on t'telly
this afternoon.

Got to make sure we watch that.

You, uh, got Sky Sports?

No.

Although... we could, uh,
watch it in the pub

and I could just
invite a few mates along.

Yeah, nice one.

So, what, don't you speak to Craggy
and them lot no more?

It's complicated.

There was this ridiculous incident


Anyway, what time's kick-off?

Here, that's why the spare key
wasn't in the usual place

when I got here. It was under
a different pot.

Nah, I put it back exactly
where I found it.

Wait, so you have been round today?

No, I just meant like... in general.

You sound guilty as owt, mate.

And like I said,
he never even uses one strap.

Yeah, that proves it, then, doesn't
it? All right, I did come round.

Just to k*ll a couple of hours,
since you lot sold me out.

But I definitely didn't smash
t'screen.

What about Colin, the lodger?

He moved out three week ago. Went
to go count puffins in th'Outer Hebrides.

Mm, is that what he told you,
is it?

Did you think he were going to
be behind there?

We should rule nothing out.

I mean, what about
the wet patch on the floor?

That must have something...

You're just trying to distract
from your own guilt.

That's why you were accusing
all of us. Typical of you.

What are you on about? You've
actually done it this time, mate.

You're a selfish stuck-up prick

and you don't care about nobody
other than yoursen.

And I'm glad you're leaving.

This is an outrage.

You lot have ruined what should
have been the best day of my life

making me stand around listening
to this bullshit!

Making it all about you again.

Life isn't some f*cking TV show

where you're the main character,
you know.

And since you asked,
I got into Leeds today.

Yeah, that's it - you're just going to piss off
and leave us to pick up t'bill again, are yer?

I prefer bottles, me, you know.
They taste nicer. Ah.

Eh up. This is my mate Rupert,
from Leeds.

Hey, man. Ross.

Iona.

Easy, gella. Oh, sorry,
I meant fella. Fella.

Hi, fella. Sam. My name.

All right, mate.

Let's, uh, see what these,
uh, Peacocks have got, then.

Who's the Peacocks?

Uh, Leeds, obviously.

Nobody's called them that
in about 30 years.

So, uh, what
do you do, Rupert, boss?

I'm in construction, mate.

Respect.
Um, my, uh, brother-in-law,

uh, is actually a plumber.

A great guy.
Uh, amaz... sick tat—tattoos.

I'm trying to watch
the football, mate.

Go on, then, son.
Yeah, yeah, go on, Leeds.

What, do you support Leeds?

No.

A month later,
I was about to go to uni.

I hadn't heard a single thing
from the lads in the meantime.

But I was starting a new life,
and I didn't care at all.

This is what I told myself
roughly five times an hour

every single day.

PHONE RINGS

Eh up?
Here, come round ours now.

We need to sort out
this sh*t with the TV.

I can't. I'm packing for uni.

Honestly, if you've ever considered
yoursen a mate,

you'll come round now.

CALL ENDS

f*ck's sake.

Oi, geezer.
Get your mince pies on the footy.

Last minute of injury time, innit?
Leeds about to lose.

I ju...

b*stard!

ALL EXCLAIM

Sh... Um, let's just get out,
let's just go.

See you all later, yeah?

Rupert,

did you throw something
at the lads' TV 15 years ago?

I don't know, Word Maggot.

It sounds like
the sort of thing I'd do.

But f*ck it, a long time ago, that.

Anyway, I'm off to MMA now.

Wait, just think, Rupert.

Do you remember
the day of my A-level results?

Means nowt to me, Word Maggot.

Come on, you must remember. It was
the day Tinhead jacked the itbox.

Well, that happened most days.

It was the day you threw
a bottle at a fisherman.

So did that.

It was the day you wore

the blue TN tracksuit
with the red Air Maxes.

Oh, that day!

Wait, I do remember.

When I saw you in t'pub
and we went down the canal? Yeah.

Right, well, after you bailed,
I went for a mooch for a bit.

And I went to the lads' house.

DOORBELL

They weren't in. But I had nowhere

else to go, so I let mesen in

with that key they left in the most
obvious place in the world.

So I got in, sat on the sofa,
put t'telly on.

TV ON

And Jeremy Kyle were on.

Remember him?
Greasy little twat. Anyway,

I crack open a beer
and start watching it

and a bloke comes on
who looked a lot like me dad.

Now, you see, me dad, he were...

I won't go into that. But...

There were this bloke, and there
were this lass that were up t'duff

saying he were the father. But
this twat were having none of it,

you know, saying, "It isn't mine.
No way is it mine."

And suddenly I just start
feeling proper angry. Really angry.

And before I knew it,
I'm standing up and then...

CRASH!

Oh, sh*t.

I didn't mean to do it,
you know. It just happened -

how it always is.

Like something on the screen
winds me up and just...

..f*cking chuck stuff.

I bet the lads were proper angry,
though, eh?

They thought I did it.

And, yeah, they were angry.

Did they never say anything
to you about it?

No. It were 15 year ago, mate.
Why are you so bothered?

Cos they were proper dicks about it.

I'm sure they're not going round
thinking about it now.

I can go back and tell 'em
it were me if you want.

Oh, them little knobheads will
probably try and do me for inflation,

TVs nowadays. No, no.

Just forget it.

Yeah. Yeah, good man.

Water under t'bridge, mate.

Anyway, must get off to MMA now.

Catch you in a bit.

Don't throw anything, will you?

Eh?

Don't throw your bottle
or anything at the, uh...

Oh, cos the...

You're actually quite funny
sometimes, Word Maggot.

So, what, just ring t'doorbell
to get in, yeah? Yeah.

Nice one.

It'll be about 5am.

DOOR CLOSES

It was never really about the TV,
was it?

That's the truth of it.

They didn't force me
out of the group.

I just... drifted away
of my own accord eventually.

But the TV thing felt like
a massive deal at the time,

probably because it was
a distraction from a bigger issue,

a threshold I was about to cross,

the point at which the lads
would no longer be the lads,

at least not in the same way.

But for a few years they'd been
more of a family than my family.

For a while the most emotionally
intimate relationship I had

was with these
weird... scummy... brilliant lads.

Memory is essentially
like a storyteller.

And it doesn't really matter
in the end whether a story

contains facts
but whether it contains truth.

My laddish camaraderie
with my young friends,

my working-class posturing,

it was all always something
of a lie.

It certainly would be now.

But it does nonetheless reveal
a truth,

which is that I loved them
like brothers.

Look, I told you I ain't got
no more to say.

CHEERING

Go on, then, are you going to have
a beer with us or what?

HE WHISTLES

Ah.

You seem in good spirits.

Yeah, I'm actually,
uh, on my way up to Leeds.

And tonight I'm going to see a few
mates who I haven't seen in years.

So... So you're leaving the area,
are you?

No, no, I'll be back soon.
I realised it's...

It's not as simple as just
moving home, you know.

Which way I fly is hell,
myself am hell

And in the lowest deep
a lower deep

Still threat'ning to devour me,
opens wide...

O then at last relent

Is there no place

Left for repentance,
none for pardon left?

What's that?

Paradise Lost. One of me favourites.

So, how about a look round today
or a brew maybe?

Well, I've got to get a train in...

I got a bit of time.

Yeah, why not?

So the, uh, poem's about
seeking repentance outside

when hell is within?

Well, we do that, don't we?
We move around, rearrange our lives,

external things,
trying to feel better.

These days we all think
the world is hell

and we talk and talk about what
we'd change out there.

Yeah, when the real change
can only come from within.

Absolutely. We need a revolution of
the mind, of the spirit,

so we can listen to each other
without fear, without prejudice.

Not dismissing someone just cos
they see things a bit differently.

Yeah. And not banging on and on
about all this trans rights,

Iraq w*r, PC-gone-mad,
snowflake, woke bullshit

that we never hear
the bloody end of these days.

Mm.

Anyway, I'll put the kettle on.

What the hell's that banner?

It's the only one they had
in t'post office.

I bloody knew you'd moan
about that.

No, I aren't moaning.
I'm only messing.

I'm going to miss you, mate.

What you on about?
I'll be back every weekend anyway.

You aren't going to change
at all anyway. Are you?

No, of course not, mate.
Just... you know,

living in a different place for a
bit isn't going to change me at all.

It'd better not do. f*cking geek.

Come here!

Come here! Get off!

Get off!

ALL SHOUT

I just got that on credit!

♪ The end of something
I did not want to end

♪ Beginning of hard times to come

♪ But something that
was not meant to be is done

♪ And this is the start of what was

♪ It's the end of something... ♪