02x01 - Results

[bunniefuu]

Because I looked like an
old-fashioned robber.

I want to look like a French man.

Tell me if this is pathetic, right,
but there's like this

icebreaker game thing on the app,
it's like a Q and A.

OK.

You know, cos I'm like completely
socially incompetent and

I basically just need to outsource
my personality to a tech company.

Well, how can
I say no to that?

You can't—get your phone out.

OK. OK, gentlemen first.

"Why did you come on this date?"

Erm... because I only live two
minutes down the road

and I haven't left the house today.
Stretch the old legs.

Bit of fresh air for you.

Absolutely.
I respect that.

Right, OK.
Right, let's go quickfire.

Favourite food?
Noodles.

Cats or dogs?

Cats, but I do respect dogs!

Good, they deserve your respect.

Milk preference?

Almond and proud.

"How many siblings do you have?"

One. Sister.

She's hotter than me
but not as wise.

"When was the last time you felt
completely happy..."

Oh, well that was...

I haven't finished the question yet.
"..Sober."

Quick fire!
Yeah. Yes, yes.

What was the question again?

When was the last time you felt
completely happy sober?

I'm just thinking cos...

Well...

This programme contains
strong language.

GCSE results day.

Triumph, disaster, three blonde
girls suspended in mid-air

and me and my mates...
Addy, Craggy and Ralph.

I got seven Bs, two As, one C!

I can't believe it.

I mean, I knew I revised
and everything

but I was worried I was only gonna
get six Bs, one A and three Cs.

Or I thought I might even get...
Addy, I'm trying to read here, mate.

Right so I got
D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D.

You could have just said all D's.

Oh, yeah, you see,
I never think about stuff like that.

That's probably why
I got D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D.

What, you're not even gonna
look at it?

What's the point? I know
I f*cked up.

I don't need some letters on a
page to tell me, do I?

I'm gonna have a look, me.
Do not f*cking tell me!

Ralph, you might wanna stop, mate.

Shut up.

I aren't kiddin'.

Ralph, come back.

You need to see this.

What, honestly?

Honestly, mate.

Oh, wankers!

Ha-ha! You f*cked it, mate.

These results meant that Craggy

and Ralph wouldn't be
going to Sixth Form,

thus limiting their chances of going
on to have some sort of pointless

office job that the world would
literally be no different without.

How'd you do, Liam?

Yeah, all right.
Let's see then.

Were you cheatin' or summat?

Go on, lad! Yeah, get in!

Are you not buzzing?

It's only some
letters on a piece of paper, innit?

You're mad, I'd be buzzing, me.

Right, can we all get over how many
f*cking GCSEs we got now?

Yeah, let's talk about how many
birds we're gonna pull

in town tonight!

Hey, don't worry, mate,
it in't everything.

In't a competition.

Sorry. So the last time you felt
joy sober

was 15 years ago?

Nah! It can't...

It's... I'm...
I'm a happy guy.

Loads of things make me happy.

Relationships.

Loads of happy moments in my last
relationship.

It's... it's pastures new now and...

Was that a recent break-up, then?

No, no, no.
That was a long time ago now.

I just don't know what to say, Liam.

How did it end?

Just the normal amicable,
mutual kinda...

So you've gone out,
lied about where you were,

taken a load of coke and tried to
cheat on me, all on a Tuesday night.

Sounds bad
when you put it like that.

We just grew apart.

It's just, you know,
it's part of life, isn't it?

Are you OK?
I'm good. I'm great!

Ah, OK.
Well, it's my round.

Same again?

Yeah, please.

Luckily, meeting a potential partner
is a much more civilised

and enlightened business now than
when I was young.

Look at arses on them!

The evening of results day found us

in the pub preparing for our first
ever night out in town.

I can't wait to meet some nice
fitties tonight, me, boys!

What you on about?

Don't Rachel keep your c*ck

and ba*ls in a little wooden
box on her dressing table?

Pack it in, pack it in!

Ralph and Rachel had been going
out for several months now.

To hear Rachel talking about it,

you'd think it was some intense
Spanish romance.

But the reality was a lot
more mundane.

And it seemed to be getting
to Ralph.

Anyway, her parents have taken her
away for t'weekend to a four-star

hotel in Whitby to celebrate her
getting into dance college.

Why can't she just stay in an old
caravan in Scarborough

like everyone else?

Ere, Liam, will you cheer up! C'mon.

Just beefing like a little maggot
inne cos Katie ant text him

back yet. f*ck off.

Katie was my ex-girlfriend.

I had texted her my GCSE results
that afternoon,

this being the first text I'd sent
her in the two months

since she'd dumped me
for cheating on her.

For some reason, she hadn't replied.

Look, I'm in a relationship.

I ain't got no GCSEs.

I've had a good life,
but it's basically over.

And you're still free, mate,

so I'm not gonna stand for you
ruining a night we've all

been looking forward to, just cos
you're feeling sorry for you sen.

Tonight is supposed to be
about celebrating by pulling as many

birds as we can.

You're right.

Time to get back out there!

I definitely want kids!

Ha-ha-ha,
that's a bolt from the blue!

Well, it's cos you asked what
sort of thing I'm looking for.

Yeah,
but I meant like a relationship,

or just something casual.

Ah.

But you've intrigued me now.

So how many kids? Any pets?

Ah! A joint National Trust
membership!

Let's not get too carried away.

Oh, sh*t!

One of Rachel's mates has text her
to say lads our age aren't

getting in nowhere.

We ant thought this through at all,
have we?

Actually, my cousin Marcus told me
about a place called Glitz!

Says they always let lads in.

As long as they're wearing a tie.

Sounds fancy!

Now, then, Kev.

Ey up!

Now, then, Tots TV.

GCSE results night then, is it?

What is it you always say about
exams and that, Tin Head?

Formal education, in its current
form, is just a bourgeois

institution designed to alienate
and divide working-class people.

What you doing in ere anyway?

Why t'f*ck aren't you in town
grinding on some fit birdies?

You know, getting your fingers wet,

celebrate the end of your compulsory
education and that?

Well, that were plan,
but no lads are getting in nowhere.

Well, come out with me and Tin Head.

We'll get you in anywhere, mate!
I know all t'bouncers, me!

Sick, deffo. Yeah, let's do it.

So what club we off to?

Me cousin Marcus told me
about a place called Glitz.

Nah, it's a sh*thole, mate.

sh*thole.

We're going Heaven & Hell.

Sickest night club in Leeds!

Me sister's off there tonight.

Well,
we're definitely going there then.

Right, I'm gonna get shots in.

Come on, Tin Head.

So Liam,
how's your pulling technique, then?

It's been a while ant it? I don't
need any help with that, thank you.

I think you might, mate.
Have you read The Game?

The Game was a book published in
the mid-2000s and written

by Neil Strauss, a self-professed
loser, who joined a community of

Pick-Up Artists to learn such
supposed techniques

for seducing women as...

Using an item of clothing to attract
a woman's attention.

Do you like my hat? Wanna try it on?

Negging—paying a compliment
along with a simultaneous insult.

Nice dress! Seen three other lasses
wearing it tonight.

And...

What the f*ck's Attraction Circle
thingamybob again?

Blags head this sh*t!

Some of it was quite confusing.

What, that cod psychology for losers
who lack the basic social

aptitude to have an honest
conversation with a woman?

Course I ant read it.

I had.

Twice.

So, are you reading
anything at the moment?

Uh, yeah, I'm actually
reading, um...

Have you heard of Rebecca Solnit?

Oh, yeah, she came up
with mansplaining.

So, Solnit actually never uses
the term mansplaining herself,

and has in fact rejected the term.

But, yeah, you're thinking
of the right person.

I see...! I see what you did there!

Good.

Budge over, then, Addy. Go on.

Right, got you a shot
of Diet 7UP, mate.

Right, tell you what, let's make
tonight interesting, shall we?

Little challenge and that.

Right, the more pulls you get,
the more points.

So, one point for a peck on t'cheek.

Five points for a phone number,
ten for a snog,

20 for a bit of fingering,


50 for a shag,


1,000 for an orgy.

Yeah, man, game on!

You can't play, Ralph.
You've got a girlfriend.

What do you mean? I aren't going
going to shag no-one, am I?

A little peck on t'cheek's
harmless, though, innit?

If I get enough of them, I'll win.

Right, get these sambucas down you.

I don't like sambucas.
I can't stand liquorice sh*t.

Actually, it comes from the aniseed
plant, not biologically related

to the Glycyrrhiza glabra plant,
from which liquorice is derived.

Cheers.

Ah! We should go on
holiday together.

Oh, yeah, maybe, that would...
could be good.

Well, I'm serious. Because my
mate has got a beautiful place

in the south of France, right,
and I need to get away ASAP.

I need a piss.

All right.

Leeds.

A dark, atmospheric city,

whose name comes from the
old Brythonic word Ladenses,

meaning "people of the
fast-flowing river".

Drinking, dancing,
fighting, f*cking...

and that was just on the street.

If the inside of the club
was true to its reputation,

we were in for the night
of our lives!

Right, give us yer tenners,
then, boys.

I'll pay for all of us,
saves f*cking around.

Now, then, Mark.
You all right letting this lot in?

No. No?

Right. f*ck off, then, boys.

Eh? f*ck's sake. But you've
still our got our tenners!

f*cking wankers. f*ck's sake!

Well, if we can't get in
Heaven and Hell,

where the f*ck are we going to go?

Here!

We'd found a newsagent open late
and selling a selection

of Yorkshire memorabilia,
including these fetching ties,

which, true to Marcus's word,

allowed us instant, unquestioned
entry to The Glitz.

This is amazing!

Would you pack it in,
checking your phone?

Get in t'game or go home.

Oh.

Ere! How many points for
a slap on t'arse?

Dun't count. She's about 45!

I mean, she looks younger than me.

I'm off to meet some lasses!
I'll come wi' ya!

They are absolutely pathetic, them.

I've actually just
come back from a trial

for Leeds United at Elland Road.

Oi. What would Rachel say?

Just getting her number in't cheating
if I delete it straight away.

Do you want to wear my tie?
Sure.

You all right?

This place is all right, innit?

Have you seen Human Traffic?

There's, like, a club in that that
has, like, two levels, or three,

but they're all...
they're all different floors,

they all look out on dancefloors.
It's quite sick.

I thought... I...

This place is all right,
though, innit?

Can I get your number?

No.

Er... have...?

Hiya. Hi.
Another drink?

Yeah, great.

You don't hang about, do ya?

A half?

Yep. Yeah.

By about 11:00, Katy still
hadn't replied, and so,

naturally, I texted her again,
telling her I was out in town

having the best night of my life.

You get all, like,
different packages and that.

You don't want to go half-board,
you've got to get gold.

All right, Liam? This is Claire.

We're moving in together.
What?

She's got two kids,
but I'm ready to be a dad,

especially now I aren't
off to sixth form.

We're off to Haven at half-term!

I need to start saving.

Texting your mam? Send her me love.

Ere, Addy, Craggy's getting off
with a granny over there.

At least he's got a girl.

I was talking to this lass
for an hour, yeah,

I tried all t'things t'book said.

I insulted her shoes,
I wore these novelty glasses.

I touched her on't arm
at least once a minute.

But none of it worked!
Why's none of it working?!

Addy and I weren't the true
victims of this reductive

and soulless proto-incel sh*t,

but we certainly
weren't winners either.

And I was the only one, back then,
who saw through this whole facade.

You little piece of sh*t!

Yeah. No, I went to...
I went to Viduka's house last week.

Yeah, yeah, he let me drive
his Porsche and everything.

He's sound as f*ck, man.

By about midnight,
I'd really begun to lose the plot.

What made those b*stards I called
friends any more deserving than me?

I'm on t'bench next week.
Lucas Radebe's giving me a lift.

He's lying and he's
got a girlfriend.

Prick.

And he failed his GCSEs!
What were that in aid of?

Women like honesty.

Amazing how quickly you can
rediscover your moral compass.

Me and Claire are separating.

Who's Claire?

The love of my life.
Or so I thought.

Sorry to hear that, Craggy, mate.
It's fine.

It's just, I couldn't be there
for Lewis and Tommy

like they needed me to.
Who the f*ck's Lewis and Tommy?

Lewis and Tommy! My boys, man!
I'm going to miss 'em.

But it's over now.

And that Haven holiday were
k*lling me, to be honest.

Ere, lads, I got a number!
Oh, nice one, lad.

My first successful number closer!

Yeah, I mean, she said she lives
well north of Glasgow, but I'll

probably get a car in t'next year,
so I'll just drive up and see her.

Nice one, mate.

Oi, you lot!
Just got your GCSE results?

Get the f*ck out.

Thought them ties were mad.

This lovely gite
near the Dordogne...

Oh! A gite?
A gite.

sh*t, I've forgotten my bag.

sh*t. Two secs.

Thank God for the maturing
effects of age, eh?

You know, I've always had
this anxiety that being in

a steady relationship rules out
the kind of wild nights out

that really make life worth living.

But if you take those
rose-tinted glasses off...

...you realise that those wild
nights out tend to end like this.

So, we totting up t'scores, then?

I got four numbers and three pecks,

so that's 23 points.

Craggy, you got a slap on t'arse
and a snog, so that's...

...let's say 15. All t'points
in t'world couldn't do justice

to what me and Claire shared.

Addy, you got a number,
so that's five. Nice.

And Liam, nowt.

Don't worry, though, mate.
It's not everything.

It's not a competition, is it?
f*ck off!

See how f*cking annoyed
he gets, man.

Where's he gone?

Hey, sorry! I've got to get
something off my chest to you guys.

What is it?

I've had a sh*t night, guys.
Why were it so bad?

Cos I come out to celebrate
my GCSE results, right.

What'd you get?
It doesn't matter.

So, we go out, and my mates just
waste the whole night, yeah,

doing some dumb competition.
Have you read the book, The Game?

No, but all t'lads in our halls
are always going on about it.

Right, that sort of sh*t, yeah.
Absolute bollocks.

So, they're doing it all night,
I didn't want no part of it,

d'you know what I mean,
I sat in the corner.

And now they're all going,
"Ooh, let's go home and count

how many pecks on t'cheek we
manipulated girls into giving us."

I'm like, "Is that it?"
I wanted a f*cking night out!

Anyway, I got four A stars,
three As, two Bs and a C.

As you asked. You geek.

That is well good.
You must be buzzing.

I would be if I didn't have to get
a taxi home with my dickhead mates.

Come back with us, then.

Yeah?
It's two buses away.

Sound.

Has he done it?

You got it?
Got it. Good.

So, maybe we should do
this again soon.

Well, uh... Do you... do you want
to come back to mine, then?

Uh...

Excuse the mess.

What's that? That's how many lads
I've shagged this term.

Which one are you? Gemma.

C-congratulations.

Hello!

Oh, hey.

You all right?

Yep. Yes.

I just came to see where you were

cos you went to make
coffee 20 minutes ago.

sh*t, yeah, sorry.

OK. Coffee...

Yes, coffee.

So, erm,

I was just looking at photos of the
Dordogne, and it looks beautiful.

Where the f*ck's
the coffee going to be?

You don't know
where your own coffee is?

Well, it's not actually
my kitchen, so...

What? This is actually my mate
Ross's flat,

so I don't really know...

Why didn't you tell me
it was someone else's flat?

It didn't... Didn't really come up.

No.

Last night when I was walking
around complimenting everything...

"Oh, nice paintings, nice plants",
you kept saying "thank you".

I meant on Ross's behalf, cos I was
going to pass all that on to him

when he gets back from Copenhagen.
He's on a minibreak.

So, when you went to get
that lube... Not my lube.

OK. I'm just going to go
and get dressed.

What are you getting
all shy for now, eh?

I'm not.

I like your dress, by the way.

I think I saw a couple of other
girls wearing it tonight.

What, so you're negging me
now, are ya?

What are you doing?

I was just thinking.

Let's play a game.

I'll ask you five questions.

No. Mate, why the f*ck are you still
trying to seduce me?

I'm already seduced.
I seduced myself.

Now, are you going to get in?

Erm, in terms of sex,

I think maybe it might be better

if we do it next week?

Next week?

Yeah. Yeah, like,

we could go for a drink and...

Look, mate,
you seem like a nice lad,

but this in't going to be a thing.

Oh, well, thanks for letting me
know now!

Could have been a bit more upfront
about it, couldn't ya?

Mate, I literally showed you
a tally chart of how many people

I'd shagged this term.

How much more upfront do you
want me to be?

Erm, so, I just need to be upfront
with you, I think,

cos that's a mantra
I've had from a young age.

I think you're a really cool person
but, erm,

I'm not looking for anything
serious right now.

I've just come
out of a long-term thing

and that's why I'm staying here...

cos I couldn't stand to be in the
flat where I'd spent so much time

with my ex and there was just like
a lot of intense memories and um...

But, yeah, I-I hope that makes some
sort of sense, cos er...

I'm just trying to speak
from the heart. Go f*ck yourself!

Well, that was hard,

but she'll be OK,

because the most important thing is
to say what's in your heart.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave
without pointing out to you

what a f*cking d*ck you've been.

When you say you're going to be
upfront with someone,

you do that upfront.

You don't do that
after you've gone out with them,

told them you want kids,
and I quote, ASAP,

told them you want to go on holiday
with them,

slept with them,

having persuaded them that it
wouldn't be too fast

because you feel sure "it's the
beginning of something special"

before backing out five hours later

and saying you've just come out
of a relationship,

only after revealing you're
in somebody else's f*cking flat!

Grow up.