(indistinct chatter)
LORNE:
All right, Chevy.
ROSIE:
Chevy, you're very handsome.
-CHEVY: Oh, stop it.
-How did you become so funny?
Uh, what was the first part?
(laughter)
GILDA: Lorne said if I just
stared into the camera
that that'd take a lot of guts.
-ROSIE: Danny.
-(laughter)
There were bells on the hill,
but I never heard them ringing.
LORNE:
Action, Laraine.
LARAINE:
Um...
-Hi.
-(laughter)
CREWMAN:
Did I spell your name right?
I'm Garrett Morris, talking
to all you white Americans
about the way Black people
have been treated in America.
Now, I know a lot of you
feel guilty, and you should.
(laughter)
You see, um, having a catheter,
a lot of people think
it's funny,
and they like to see me dance.
(laughter)
Now, I-I look up,
and I-I see...
I see it coming down, now,
real quick,
and I see discs,
whirling discs.
-(laughter)
-DAN: All right.
Oh, really? Ra-Rad... Radney?
I'm not gonna talk about...
Nah.
DAN: Whirling around,
whirling around.
I see all kinds of lights.
Then they just drop me.
In order to get that much iron,
you'd probably have to overeat.
Send your check or money order
to White Guilt Relief Fund.
Are we ready? Should we go?
-(horns blasting)
-(whistle blares)
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
At the sound of the tone,
the time will be 10:00 p.m.
NBC PAGE:
Free show.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: There's
wedding bells again for...
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.
No?
-Hey, free show, man.
-f*ck off.
Hey, sir, free comedy show.
Plenty of seats.
Perfect for date night.
Um, you are invited
to a new variety spectacular
featuring a parade
of comedy and musical acts
ripped from the charts.
-Jesus Christ.
-Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?
Hey, man. You okay?
(sighs) Maybe ask me again
in 90 minutes.
Why? What happens
in 90 minutes?
Uh, we go live.
Oh. (chuckles) Far out, man.
Congrats. Miss? Show?
-Thank you.
-Hey, wait, if it's live,
then why the hell
are you down here?
-Free show?
-LORNE: I'm...
f*ck's sake.
-...waiting for...
-ANDY: Mr. Michaels.
Ah. It's 10:00, Andy.
-Here, come on.
-(drivers shouting angrily)
MRS. KAUFMAN:
Wh-Where do I park?
You are invited to
a new variety spectacular...
Uh, you can just pick him up
at 1:00, Mrs. Kaufman.
-Do you like my suit?
-Very elegant, Andy.
-This is my favorite suit.
-We're heading out. Come on.
Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?
LORNE:
Come on, Andy.
-Bye, Mommy.
-Bye, honey. I love you.
-LORNE: Andy, come on.
-DRIVER: Move, you as*h*le!
Andy, please, come on.
ANDY:
This is beautiful.
LORNE:
Yeah.
You know, actually, down there
is where Diego Rivera was hired
to paint a fresco
for the American worker?
ANDY:
I cannot see this.
Well, no one can
'cause Diego was a commie
and added Vladimir Lenin
in the middle of the night,
so the Rockefellers
had it plastered over.
Deliveries use the back.
-I'm producer of the show.
I'm... -Where's your badge?
-My... (sighs)
-Where's his badge?
I... Look, my name
is Lorne Michaels.
I'm the producer
of "Saturday Night."
-The whole night? -Hey, hey,
he's good. He's good.
Yeah, the whole night. I'm
producing every show in there.
-Let him in. Let him in.
-I'm good. You see?
Live on a Saturday night?
Must be some show.
Hey, you're doing a great job.
Really, great stuff.
What kind of name
is "Saturday Night"?
LORNE:
Andy, come on, please.
ANDY:
Okay. We're rushing.
Uh, eighth floor, and book it.
Put on your seat belts.
(sighs)
So, big night.
LORNE:
Oh, Andy, have you had dinner?
Uh, yes, I-I had spaghetti.
Oh, that sounds delicious.
Uh, hey, Lorne, I'm getting
calls from upstairs.
-You ordered a llama?
-A llama?
Yeah, we all decided it was
much funnier than a donkey.
Right. Just, the guys
down at the loading dock
weren't expecting a...
you know, livestock.
Well, NBC did ask for something
fresh and unexpected.
Th-That is true. That's true.
Uh, just, you know, they also
weren't expecting you to demand
an overhaul on the entire
lighting and sound package.
Did anyone ask Edison
what a light bulb was
before he harnessed
electricity?
Who are you in the metaphor?
The light bulb?
We can't expect people
to recognize
something they've never
seen before.
Right, okay, yes,
you're correct.
But just, how about
a final script?
It's not that kind of show.
Okay, well, what kind
of show is it, Lorne?
Do you even know
what the show is?
Of course.
Are you gonna share it
with the rest of us?
Yes.
(elevator bell dings,
doors open)
In 88 minutes.
Oh, my God.
Uh, have you tested the quality
of the sound system?
-Uh, no, I haven't.
-'Cause the speakers
look left over
from Arturo Toscanini.
Uh, I mean,
that's not really my job.
CREWMAN:
Coming through!
d*ck: Lorne,
did you order more lights?
-Hey, come on! Move it!
-Is this your card?
How'd he do that?
He's a f*cking magician,
numb nuts.
-LORNE: Hey, Neil.
-Oh, hey.
You got to be right by my side,
man, locked to my hip.
Remember, when you're here,
you're not my cousin.
-You're my executive assistant.
You're important. -Really?
-Like, in the credits, it'll
say? -Well, no, but you and I
-will know. -They're looking
for you in the control room.
-Okay. -Also, Belushi hasn't
signed his contract yet.
-Right. -Oh, oh,
and the llama has arrived.
Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara.
Neil, memo:
We need to reeducate
the NBC pages on the show.
You should've heard
the guy outside.
d*ck:
What the hell is this?
"Saturday Night," it's
a new kind of entertainment.
It's abstract and defiant.
Avant-garde yet blue-collar.
d*ck:
And it's also a comedy.
GILDA:
Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Gilda, come on.
We need you for rehearsal.
Oh.
Oh, careful.
They're still drying.
-This is monumental work, Edie.
-...is Mr. Martin Gresner.
Mr. Gresner, would you please
tell our studio audience...
Jane, Jane,
you're still attached.
...just how you became
a victim of a shark bite?
You are so fluffy.
Hey, come on, Andy.
-You cut my n*zi Dr. Dolittle?
-Uh...
(German accent) He has ways
of making the animals talk.
I'll check with
the run-of-show board.
-Can you check again?
-Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.
I don't know
what to tell you fellas.
How do you lose
28 gallons of blood?
85 minutes till showtime!
-(bell ringing)
-Come on, guys.
These transitions
need to be crisp.
Pretend like there's a hooker
holding a sandwich,
waiting for you stage right.
We still need to rehearse
five sketches.
Are we any closer
on lighting cues?
GARRETT: Hey, Schiller,
what are you up to?
I'm burning sage,
removing demons.
Ooh, Garrett don't do voodoo.
Uh, Andy, this is Billy Crystal
and Valri Bromfield.
-They're both in the show.
-Andy!
LORNE: They're both very nice.
Please stay with them, okay?
Now, Andy is
a certifiable comedic genius.
-He's redefining the form.
-Nice to meet you, Andy.
BILLY: We are in
the presence of greatness.
Where is the bathroom?
LORNE: Neil, can you show Andy
to the washroom?
-Yeah, yeah.
-There you are. Lorne!
-Uh, yeah? -I can't authorize
the purchase of an antique...
d*ck, Jim has a question
about something.
-Here, let's talk over here.
-He's out of control.
-Uh, okay. Hey, I understand.
-Th-This isn't a budget.
It's a ransom note.
Someone asked for
last Friday's "Johnny Carson"?
Where the f*ck you been,
Charlie?
Sorry, I've been busy. I'll be
back in a little bit, okay?
Okey-dokes. So, as it stands,
we have four host monologues,
two stand-ups,
two musical guests--
each with two performances--
a solo piece by Andy Kaufman,
five parody commercials,
"Weekend Update,"
a film by Albert Brooks,
Jim Henson's Muppet thing,
not to mention seven sketches.
-Something for everybody.
-Yeah, it's a lot of show.
-It won't fit.
-We don't know that.
I know that.
The dress rehearsal
was three hours.
Audrey thinks we're tight.
Audrey thinks
it's time to make some
-tough decisions, actually.
-Lorne, just cut some things.
-No, we will, but...
-CHEVY: Am I still in the show?
Jesus Christ.
Sorry. Tripped over my p*nis.
-Still in the show, Chev.
-Oh, I know.
Hey, you remember Jackie,
my girlfriend?
-Fiance.
-It looks expensive.
She is. It is.
I never know
when you're kidding.
Hey, Chev, can I, uh...
Can you show a little goodwill
to your costar?
-Who? Belushi?
-Mm-hmm.
God, God, what the f*ck's
the matter now?
I think it's just
the new dynamic,
and there are
a lot of expectations...
No, I'll tell you
what the issue is.
We're not doing
"The Radio Hour" anymore,
and he's built like
an Albanian cheeseburger.
Chevy can't help if people
are responding to his face.
I mean, I could, but I won't.
Right, well,
no one's asking you
to deny your own magnetism,
Chevy.
Maybe there's other roles
for John to play,
like a hobo or a troll.
Or a fire hydrant.
-Or a Volkswagen.
-Ah.
Or a hemorrhoid.
-You're looking sharp, Patches.
-(chuckles) What?
AUDREY:
You have to cut something.
Yeah. Yeah.
-Uh, Neil?
-NEIL: Oh, yeah.
Get me a key to this door.
In fact, I want keys
to all the doors.
In the building?
If you can.
DAVE WILSON: Frame up
on the shot, okay, Cameron?
-Let's go.
-(commercial playing)
Bring camera two.
That looks okay.
Hey, guys.
-Hey, Lorne.
-Down in front.
-Down in front. Down in front.
-Down, down. Thank you, sir.
-Dave, how are we looking?
-Oh, g-good, good, good.
Still working on the 47 notes
you gave me in your last visit.
Okay. H-How is morale
looking out there?
-Morale?
-Mm-hmm.
Uh, I think I can, uh,
speak for the entire crew
-when I say this is exactly
-(tapping desk)
where we want to be
on Saturday night.
-Okay. Great.
-Yeah. Yeah.
WILSON:
Rocky? Wake up, will you?
STEW:
Give me lights 25B, 25C.
Half down on 31. That's 32.
You've done this before, right?
CREWMAN:
Man, that's a lot of lights.
Charlie,
you're gonna drop a testicle
-lifting that thing.
-Good job, Charlie.
JOE:
All right, quiet, please!
Here we go. Rehearsal's up.
Actors on their marks.
All right. Hey, guys,
we only have
two minutes of commercials
to make it from stage right
to stage left.
STEW: Anybody know
the load bearing on the booms?
Oh, hello, fellas.
-What's up, Joe?
-Hey, Joe. -Joe.
Can I get you anything?
-Refreshment? Mai tai?
-I'll take a Schaefer.
Try and at least act like
you're f*cking working, please.
John, thank you
for your patience.
Moments away, okay?
BARBARA:
All right, next card:
"Al 'Bud' Franken."
Next card: "Tom 'Bud' Davis."
Okay, so this is... this is...
this is a bit or...
Look, I don't get half the sh*t
that they do.
Next card: "Rosie 'Bud,'" uh...
Lorne, is Rosie going with
"Michaels" or "Shuster"?
That's a good question.
-Should I ask Rosie?
-No, no, no, I'll-I'll...
-I'll take care of it.
-All right.
WILSON: That's good.
That's actually looking good.
MICHAEL:
She's been at it for hours.
She's simply doing her job.
We have to comply
with NBC standards.
Well, I refuse to comply.
-Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue.
-MICHAEL: Mm-hmm?
On page 12...
oh, what is "clam diving"?
I believe the act
of harvesting mollusks.
JOE:
Stew. You're k*lling me here.
I just need the light
for "Home Invasion."
Talk to the wunderkind.
He's trying to light f*cking
-"Jesus Christ Superstar."
-Those are excuses.
There's four people up there.
Get 'em lit.
I'm glad you're having fun,
but this isn't helpful.
If that piglet
disfigures my work,
I'm gonna turn her uterus
into a sock puppet.
(Lorne scoffs)
What is "zipper dinner"?
-(laughter)
-Two, ready for the entrance.
How many of these
did you hide in the script?
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.
I know what blue ba*ls are.
You don't say.
JOE:
Come on, people.
Move with purpose.
Let's do this.
-Al, is that-that your one?
-CRANE OP: It doesn't look...
JOE:
Come on, give it.
All right, quiet, please.
Rehearsal is up.
as*ault and burglary.
JOE: Okay, actors
on their marks, please.
Cameras on their marks.
Here we go.
Okay, let's see if we can get
through one of these skits.
Sketches. Davey, please.
-WILSON: Okay. Ready,
camera one? -JOE: And...
-action on rehearsal.
-WILSON: Take camera one.
Oh, look, honey.
"Boeing, Boeing"
with Jerry Lewis
is on in ten minutes.
Ready, camera two?
Take camera two.
Ah, sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just gonna have
another glass
of diet root beer
and go to bed, okay?
-Aykroyd!
-Cue Danny.
(banging at door)
What's the problem?
JOE:
What's going on, Dan?
DAN:
It's a little lodged.
Hi there.
Please do not be alarmed.
This is only a simulated
as*ault and burglary.
Repeat, this is a simulated
as*ault and burglary.
This could happen to you
at any time.
-In fact, it just has.
-Call the police!
No, no! Don't call the police.
I am the police.
Well, I might be anyway.
(laughter)
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer?
JOE:
Hold. Aykroyd, one giant step
-to the right, please.
-Uh, yeah. My right?
-Yes.
-DAN: Sure.
Uh, say, man, you want me
to say anything in this,
or am I the silent robber type?
Uh, I think we're gonna stick
to the script this time.
-What script?
-Thanks, Garrett. Okay.
Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer,
my name is Kenny Vorstrather.
I'm president of
Trojan Horse Home Security.
I've broken into your home
tonight to illustrate to you
-and your family just how...
-(clattering)
(frantic yelling, gasping)
DAN:
Have your girders been checked?
(crewmen and John clamoring)
JOHN: I'll f*cking break
your f*cking jaw!
-LORNE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-JOE: Play the cameras back.
Play the cameras back.
Let's go.
-John, are you hurt?
Are you hurt? -Get the...
-Oh, my God.
-Jesus Christ!
I need a new g*n.
This is, uh... It's, uh...
Where's props for me, please?
Somebody clear the children,
please!
-Hey, Stew, lights out, please.
-Somebody get the fire?
JOHN: Come on.
You got any more f*cking lights
-you want to drop on us?
-Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, you m*therf*cker!
You want me to break
your f*cking jaw for you?
f*cking amateur hour!
I'll break your f*cking jaw
for you, m*therf*cker!
-JOHN: Get the f*ck off me!
-Hey, hey, hey!
How dare you
endanger my actors?
-Lorne, Lorne. -Oh, really?
Yeah, oh, you're...
you're the one asking
for a hundred
-f*cking light cues, pal!
-Feel free to let me know
when my expectations
surpass your abilities.
You know, I-I don't know, guys.
It was kind of exciting.
Like, it's probably good luck.
Wallie.
Uh, this one's not gonna work.
I need, uh, something
with a little more heft.
It's got no stopping power.
You know what I mean?
Script said "p*stol."
Well, the script
specifically called for
a Smith & Wesson K-Frame
Model 19 Combat Magnum.
-Can we go again?
-Uh, in this death trap?
Well, we've worked out
the kinks. Give me that.
GILDA: You know, I still think
it was kind of funny.
How high will
this thing go, Al?
-Gilda. Gilda. -CRANE OP:
Say hello to the camera, boys.
-(Gilda laughing)
-There's, um, home base.
Kid, this ain't an armory.
No one's gonna notice
the difference.
I'll tell you who'll notice:
a few of the fine folks at home
who lugged M16s
through four feet
of swamp juice in Quang Nam.
-Hey, boys.
-(crewmen whooping, whistling)
Guess I picked the wrong day
to not wear underwear.
Don't look too hard.
Proud of yourself?
I give you and your circus
-till the end of the week.
-Oh, that's funny,
'cause I give you
till the end of the day.
-All right, everyone...
-Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
(indistinct,
overlapping chatter)
Mm-hmm!
Thank you, hermano.
d*ck: Yeah, I-- Neil,
not with the keys right now.
STEW: I been in this
for almost 20 f*cking years,
and sh*t like this
has never happened...
GARRETT:
Pow, pow! Pow, pow!
(Garrett chuckling)
Hey, come on, man.
Violence, really?
(laughs) My main man, Jim.
Say, uh, sorry for sh**ting
your Muppets, man.
They're not just...
They're your costars.
Say, you...
you all right there, Jim?
Yes.
No.
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.
They tied a belt
around Big Bird's neck
and hung him
from my dressing room door.
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.
So sorry.
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Who knew?
(scoffs)
You're full of baloney.
Uh-oh. Cursing.
STEW: Consider me the first rat
off this sinking ship!
-Oh, really? Oh...
-Please don't jump to...
LORNE:
Oh, wow, that's mature.
Well, what can I say?
Bon voyage.
Lorne, he was
our lighting director.
-We need lights.
-I'm sure there's someone else
in the building
who can push a button, d*ck.
Hey, he's the only one
who knows the location
of the 200 lights
you asked for.
What is this?
What's the meaning of this?
Who did this?
(laughter)
Hey, I thought
we were making a comedy.
(laughter)
(band playing soulful tune)
(camera clicks)
BILLY PRESTON:
Hey, oh
-GARRETT: Mm!
-Yeah.
Sounding good, guys.
-(chuckles) Yeah. Okay.
-(band stops playing)
(chuckles) All right.
Say, uh, we actually
worked together before.
I sang backup for Belafonte.
(laughs)
Catch that?
(band laughing)
Drink the coconut water
Four to five
Man, it's good
for your daughter
Four to five
Coco got a lotta iron.
(laughter)
Guy singing, too.
Man, how many people
-do they have playing tonight?
-Wow.
No, no, no, see, I am one of
the comedic performers, man.
-PRESTON: Uh-huh.
-Yeah, I'm in the...
-I'm in the cast.
-You-you...
you are
a professional comedian?
Uh, uh, well, uh, no,
not-not-not-not by trade.
-Uh...
-Okay, uh...
You see, I'm actually
a playwright.
-All right.
-Perhaps you saw my work
at the Black Arts
Repertory Theatre in Harlem.
Yeah, I must have missed that.
(instruments warming up)
Yeah, I actually don't know
why they hired me, man.
(laughs)
Yeah, you seem a little tight.
-Little...
-Do I?
Yeah, you got to kind of
loosen it up for the show.
Say, Alvin.
Hook Mister, Mister...
-What's your name?
-Uh, Garrett Morris.
Garrett Morris, y'all,
the comedian.
Yeah, hook
Mr. Garrett Morris up
with a little bit
of confidence.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, come...
-Oh, okay.
-Go ahead and get it.
Medical-grade.
sh*t so light, air at
the bottom of the bottle.
You gonna float.
Float?
-I'm gonna put this away.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is, uh, ill*gal.
-(laughing)
-(band resumes playing)
PRESTON: Yeah, well, you gonna
need it for your comedy.
-Right.
-Yeah.
(both laughing)
-Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-All right.
All right, y'all, let's get it.
JOE:
Scotty, sound check.
All right, everyone,
quiet for sound check.
Sound check!
-(band playing "Right On")
-(sighs) This should be fun.
(music playing quietly
over headphones)
Is this... is this full volume?
It's the whole enchilada.
Uh, it sounds
pretty adequate to me.
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.
It needs to feel like a rock
concert for everyone at home.
Uh, Lorne has such
a deep appreciation for music.
-Shouldn't we have more mics?
-One band, one mic.
d*ck, this needs to be fixed
for-for tonight.
It's what I've been
talking about.
Three, four!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this for John?
Yeah. I heard he's in makeup.
Do you like being yelled at
or something?
Here, I've got this.
Where are you going?
(babbles)
Pretty mama
You're looking fine
You do your thing
And I'll do mine
Right on...
Oh, Jim, do not bet
on that hand, please.
Got my own thing
And I'm going right on
Yeah!
Can you hold the door?
(indistinct chatter)
Ooh. Easy on the macaroni,
Carmine.
CARMINE:
All right.
ROSIE: You don't want
to hurt your stomach.
CARMINE:
All right, Rosie.
(song continues in distance)
ROSIE:
There he is.
The star of the show.
Oh, come on, Rosie,
not the f*cking bees.
I'm not a dashboard ornament.
No. You're adorable
is what you are.
And all that fur-- every girl's
gonna want to squeeze you.
I am a trained professional.
Well, you better watch
where you point that stinger.
Come on.
You want a little cig?
LARAINE: What happened
to my reporter costume?
Blaine Hotel?
It's a five-second changeover
from the reporter
to ancient Greece, okay?
Lorne didn't think
you'd have time
to get into your toga.
O-Okay.
-DAN: Excuse me. Ma'am.
-(pats bottom)
-(laughs)
-Oh, don't be alarmed.
You're dealing with a
fully qualified male strumpet.
Hey, Rosie, I got the
latest version of "New Dad."
Okay.
-Behave. Bee-have.
-(John grunting)
ROSIE:
Mm-hmm. (chuckles)
DAN: I can assure you
professional hygiene...
LARAINE:
Oh.
...discretion,
animal gratification.
Listen, strumpet.
It's Fred Garvin,
male prost*tute.
How much is this gonna cost me?
-(pats bottom)
-Hey.
Speaking of costumes,
I told them to make
-those hot pants extra hot.
-DAN: Yummy.
Oh, Lorne, we're gonna go
check out the cut on "New Dad."
You want to see?
(song ends)
Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t.
Sorry, Lorne.
Jesus.
Hey, I heard John doesn't like
the bee costume.
-You know anything about this?
-It's not a costume problem.
He thinks he's Brando.
-He's better than Brando.
-Lorne. Lorne.
I'm-I'm working on it, d*ck.
He's better than Brando.
He's more important even.
-He'll be studied.
-They will study his liver.
-Move away! Let's go! -John is
better when he's angry.
Rosie, you understand
that in an hour
I owe a television program?
I made a covenant with
the National Broadcasting...
-A covenant, huh?
-Yeah, a covenant,
and I'm on the hook for
90 minutes of live television.
Okay, Abraham.
(sighs)
Rose, must you
turn him into a bee?
I am not turning him
into a bee.
Thanks, Tom.
He is a man in a bee costume.
-There is a difference.
-Mm.
It's an image
you can't get out of your head.
It's postmodern. It's Warhol.
It's iconic.
Mm-hmm. Where do these ideas
even come from?
Oh, I just send
an imaginary dog
-to fetch an imaginary stick.
-Oh, yeah?
-Must be some dog.
-He's very well trained.
Honey, I'm home.
Hey, pal. Hey.
(laughs) How are ya?
LORNE:
Looks like Chevy's fiance
slipped and fell
into another segment.
Jacqueline's gonna be hosting
the show if you're not careful.
Jesus Christ.
NARRATOR (over monitor):
...a wonderful family.
Everything you need
for the future.
-Danny's good in this.
-Yeah, he is.
NARRATOR: What if you were
suddenly out of the picture?
LORNE: Can we add sound there
over the "X"?
EDITOR:
Like a buzzer?
-No, funny, like-like a bell.
-Oh, good call.
ROSIE: And if we could
hold on the photo
for another eight frames.
LORNE:
Um, 16 frames.
NARRATOR: Everything...
(audio distorts)
Were you, uh...
thinking of going home
with him tonight?
Uh, with Danny tonight?
Yeah, I mean,
I'm not suggesting...
Uh, if you need alone time,
I can just...
No, no, no,
I just didn't know if...
It's opening night,
so I figured
-that it wasn't the right time.
-Neither did I.
Well, then why are you asking?
Uh, just avoiding surprises.
-But you love surprises.
-Oh, I love surprises.
Like Anne Frank loved
her drum set.
-(editor chuckles)
-LORNE: Don't encourage her.
ROSIE:
Can you hold on that photo
for another eight frames,
please?
-It's always eight frames.
-Eight frames is a beat, so...
Can you believe that I need
to cut an hour of the show?
Oh, NBC doesn't want a
three-hour sketch comedy revue?
Oh, Jesus, Rose,
don't call it that, please.
Well, what is it, then?
Honey, I'm home.
NARRATOR:
Yes, it's New Dad...
LORNE:
I spent years collecting
orphaned comedians
off the street.
I know.
They sleep on our dinette,
and they whiz in our sink.
By some miraculous accident,
I found a place to call home
for our little circus
of rejects
on national television.
Rose, this is our shot.
It's a shot.
Rose.
You're actually nervous.
Oh, uh,
Barbara was asking about, um,
your credit on the show.
I figured you'd go
with "Michaels."
Is that what you want?
I... (sighs)
I mean, you know,
we're married.
You're my wife.
I figured it's
the straightest line.
Lorne, we're married,
but I'm not your wife.
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on the crawl.
Well, what would you prefer?
Lorne, Lorne!
NBC execs are waiting
in the green room for you.
-Oh, f*ck.
-Uh, VTR needed this yesterday.
LORNE:
Well, it looks great.
Tom, Al, what's this about?
-Hey, Lorne.
-Hey, Lorne.
-A last-minute piece.
-Just in case you need it.
I don't. What's the gag?
Uh, we're gonna dress
Aykroyd up as Julia Child.
-America's favorite chef.
-Okay.
And right as she's carving up
a turkey on live television...
She slices open an artery.
-Blood everywhere.
-Everywhere.
Oh, that's the whole pitch?
Yeah, just America's favorite
chef painting the walls
-with her insides.
-Total gore fest.
DAN: It's gonna be
utter carnage, boss.
(imitating Julia Child)
Oh, no. I'm Julia Child,
and I've cut the dickens
out of my finger.
-Sounds promising.
-Wait, wait, boss,
I didn't even get
to the good part yet.
-Just put down a tarp.
-Yeah.
He doesn't like
the Julia Child bit.
Uh, George?
-How's Carlin?
-Warming up the pipes.
Okay. Well, uh, I heard Belushi
hasn't signed his contract yet.
(scoffs) Formality.
Uh, yeah, well,
they're pretty formal here.
Uh, speaking of,
the folks in Standards
are a little uneasy
about the parody commercial
playing right before
the regular ads.
I think they think the viewers
might be a little confused.
One might argue that's what
makes it humorous, d*ck.
Yeah, but, Lorne, at what point
are we not just making fun
of the audience?
Oh, hardly.
It's commedia dell'arte.
If anything, it'll make
the other commercials
feel all the more real,
and the sponsors
will probably thank you.
-Oh.
-Who's in there?
-Should I be concerned?
-No, uh, just try not to use
words like "underground"
or "revolutionary."
-I'm not exactly Che Guevara.
-Yeah.
(indistinct chatter)
What the f... There's like
a thousand people in there.
Fifty. The affiliates
from across the country.
Lorne, they're excited
to see the show.
I don't have time
for this, d*ck.
Lorne, these are the people
that will decide
whether or not we have a hit.
They choose whether
we go on the air.
We need them.
(sighs)
-Three minutes.
-Tops.
-Uh, gentlemen.
-Gentlemen.
-Hello. Lorne Michaels.
-(lively chatter)
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
Lorne Michaels. I'm...
This is my show. Hi.
Where are we flying in from,
gentlemen?
-d*ck: Such a pleasure.
-MAN: Chicago.
-MAN 2: New Orleans.
-LORNE: New Orleans. Wow.
Fantastic. Well, uh,
we're very lucky to have
you Southerners here.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.
I'm the creator of the show.
Hi. Wow, firm handshake. Hi.
Appreciate your support,
gentlemen. Thank you.
-Hello. Hi.
-Tallahassee.
Tallahassee? Wow.
-Ladies and gentlemen...
-Hi.
(sighs) Who am I kidding?
Gentlemen.
(scattered chuckling)
Can I see that?
Thank you.
Hope this isn't the only thing
getting sucked on
this weekend, boys.
-(laughter)
-Jesus, you guys look like
the cast of "Godfather"
if it was shot in Alabama.
(laughter)
I see some cowboys here.
That's a hell of
a ten-gallon hat.
You look like you're ready
for a date with livestock.
(laughter)
Welcome to New York.
It's quite diverse.
If you want to meet
Black people, go to Harlem.
If you want to meet Jews,
come to our writers' room.
(laughter)
Sir, you look like
you're from Ohio.
My, uh... my favorite thing
about Ohio...
Let me introduce you
to our head writer,
-(laughter)
-our prince of darkness,
Michael O'Donoghue.
MICHAEL:
Mm, thank you.
(clears throat)
Thank you, Chevy.
Um, I'm certain
you all know Mister Rogers,
perhaps the most kind
and gentle man
in all of television.
This is my impression
of Mister Rogers
plunging 18-inch steel
sewing needles into his eyes.
(clears throat)
(screaming)
(laughter)
(screaming continues)
Okay, okay. Thank you, Michael.
Um, well, now you know why
they put us on at midnight.
Um...
Uh, hello, everybody.
My name is Lorne Michaels.
I'm the producer and creator
of "Saturday Night."
We have a wonderful show
for you this evening.
George Carlin,
the great Billy Preston.
A film by Albert Brooks.
Jim Henson's Muppets.
(laughing)
(sighs)
We're, uh, excited for tonight.
Uh, because there's never been
a television show
made for or by the generation
that grew up
watching television, so...
In the words of my dear friend,
Che Guevara,
-this is the revolution.
-Viva la revolucin!
-Yes. Yes.
-(cheering)
-Yes.
-Okay. Thank you, Chevy.
Who's with us?
Heads on pikes!
Blood will run in the streets!
-Come on!
-(cheering)
Gentlemen, behold.
If you listen closely,
you can hear Buffalo Bob
shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.
Lorne can get
a little passionate,
and so can Chevy here.
-"Blood in the streets."
-(chuckles) Yeah.
-Well, that sounds delightful.
-Mm-hmm.
How much are we spending
on this insurrection?
Uh, about 250 an episode.
Well, I guess revolutions
aren't cheap.
-(chuckles) Right.
-LORNE: What, uh, what is this?
Absolutely not. No, no, no, no.
We're not gonna beg
for their approval.
No, take it down.
We don't need this.
Well, you know, Lorne Michaels
is a special bird.
You know, he believes
in his vision.
Well, that's nice.
Mm.
And he doesn't really bend.
We know how that story goes.
(laughs)
Mm-hmm.
CHEVY:
Des Moines.
-How'd you escape?
-(laughter)
Well, I appreciate you
saying that.
You know, my, uh...
my father had good taste,
and my mom was an alcoholic.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.
You held that room like a pro.
(laughing)
Oh, thank you.
I mean it.
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.
You know, I handle
"The Tonight Show."
I didn't know that.
Between us, Johnny Carson isn't
gonna be around forever.
(Chevy laughs)
Think about it.
You're a handsome,
funny gentile.
That means something.
(sighs) Uh, Lorne,
you remember Dave Tebet.
LORNE:
Oh, of course.
I remember everyone
who gives me a job, d*ck.
Smart kid.
Quite a lineup this evening.
You know, while I have you,
I do understand
that we are bending
some of the rules...
Lorne, uh, this is NBC.
There's a way things are done--
the Peacock way.
Right, well, we are thinking
a little differently.
-We just, you know...
-Maybe an emu.
(laughs) Well, I just
really don't...
d*ck, shut the f*ck up!
Can't you see talent
when it's standing
-inches from your face?
-Mm-hmm.
What do you think
he's gonna do, embarrass us
with some half-assed,
rat-f*ck donkey show?
Frankly, that's exactly
what I signed up for.
M-Michael.
I expect you to be an unbending
force of seismic disturbance.
Light up that NBC switchboard
like a b*mb went off.
(laughs) Well, I promise
not to play the music too loud.
Ah, f*ck that. This isn't
Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.
It's "Saturday f*cking Night."
I want you to be
thunderous and deafening.
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.
Great. I-I mean, I've always
seen this as a collision
that erupts from
every screen in America.
-Yes. Yes.
-A prism that captures
the light of
an emerging generation...
Stop! Don't say another word.
Don't question
another instinct.
-Ebersol.
-Yes.
We're standing in the presence
of a prophet.
Yeah, he certainly
talks like it.
A man with a vision.
And I want you
to take that vision
like a Sherman tank
and plow through any f*ck
that gets in your way, even me.
(elevator bell dings)
"Use emotion for the many and
reserve reason for the few."
I like that.
I'm putting it on my wall.
-Was that a Hitler quote?
-(lively chatter)
Atrocities aside,
the man was a wordsmith.
Uh, you missed a call
from Johnny Carson.
-I-I picked up the phone...
-What did you tell him?
Uh, I told... I don't remember.
-He hung up on me, so...
-Lorne, Lorne.
Is that a bunk bed?
I did have a UFO encounter
experience once.
Danny ordered it
for his office.
That's confidence. Can you
find me something to eat?
d*ck: Neil, why would he
order a bunk--
-All right.
-(playing piano)
Could you get that hippie sh*t
out of my face?
And I'm actually very strong...
You think that
he can do the voice?
Uh, it's Aykroyd.
Of course he can do the voice.
It's Aykroyd, but that doesn't
necessarily mean...
Hello, boys.
-Hey, Mike.
-Hey, Mike.
-Are you nervous?
-Nervous about what?
Performing on live TV.
I'd be sh1tting bricks.
Television is merely
a lava lamp
with slightly better audio.
Colored beads
to fascinate the animal.
I could do it
in a narcoleptic coma.
Hello, Herb.
How's "Update" coming?
"South Vietnam
has seized and burned
a hundred thousand
'Playboy' magazines."
I'm still working
on the punch line.
"For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny."
That's the one. Grab it, boys.
-Let's go.
-We need that couch.
-(Laraine and Gilda gasping)
-Rise and shine.
-Whoo! Okay.
-Coming through.
Coming through.
(laughter)
LARAINE:
Ooh, pages.
-Watch your back.
-Coming through.
-Oh. Here we are.
-This is...
You all right there, Chev?
Oh, things are, uh,
kooper kippy, Herb.
I think it just happened.
Think I got
the old shoulder tap.
The what?
You know,
from the guys upstairs.
What's gonna happen to me?
(chuckles) I mean, Herb,
you've been around the block.
Where am I going from here?
Well, I don't know, Chevy.
I never got a shoulder tap.
I just made a fortune
and won a few Emmys,
slept with Gloria Steinem.
Two out of three ain't bad.
GILDA:
Here we are.
LARAINE: Oh, wow,
you're in so many scenes.
Oh, yeah, but I'm always
everyone's kid sister.
You're the hot one.
I think Jane's the hot one.
No, I'm the mom.
The still f*ck mom.
(playing Elton John's
"Bennie and the Jets")
My instinct is that
the American people
are gonna fall in love
with you.
You'll be obscenely overpaid
for pratfalls and cute jokes.
You'll waste away
most of your life
with purchased company,
and then eventually
you'll self-medicate
with booze and hookers
and heroin.
I imagine you'll die alone,
falling out of a hotel room
window in Stockholm.
Jesus.
I can't wait.
Well, you're everyone's
favorite, Gilda.
Oh, I'm just a bagel
looking for lox.
I'm a parrot
with nothing to squawk.
Well, I keep feeling
like any minute
Lorne's just gonna
ship me back.
JANE:
Aw.
No, on this budget,
we can't afford the postage.
GILDA:
There's a reason you're here.
You may not know it,
but Lorne d...
-Oh, God!
-(Dan grunts)
You're dealing with a fully
qualified male strumpet.
GILDA:
I am not a prop, mister.
You know, I can assure you,
uh, professional hygiene,
discretion,
animal gratification.
GILDA:
Why don't you assure me
a little peace and quiet,
Mr. Strumpet?
MICHAEL:
You rang?
Yeah, I need the Muppet pages.
I already turned in
that one script.
Oh, was Henson uncomfortable
with the Muppets
on a plantation?
It was a musical number.
I don't think
that's the problem.
I just can't write for
those little hairy facecloths.
Well, I need something for
Henson. We go live in an hour.
You cannot say "horny" on NBC.
Did you see what
that evangelical c**t did
to our pages?
I'll be right back.
FRANKEN: So you want us to say
"sexy" instead of "horny"?
"Sexy" and "horny"
just don't mean the same thing.
I struggle to see
the difference.
Well, if a dog is humping
your leg, it's horny.
It's certainly not sexy.
What on earth are you doing?
I'd rather butt-f*ck cancer
than make these changes.
-(window opens)
-(horns honking outside)
(sighs)
Your words don't scare me,
Mr. O'Donoghue.
I am a woman of God.
I'd heard God's love is blind.
-Now I know why.
-(laughs)
You see this?
I do.
I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker,
but this one is special.
It has kept America safe for
the better part of a decade.
It is a weapon
against vulgarity,
sex, communism and hedonism.
Oh. What about violence?
Does it protect America
from violence?
Yes. That, too.
Oh, how about infanticide?
Excuse me?
Apologies.
Just a, uh, two-dollar word
for a parent
who kills their own child.
(scattered laughter)
The mere thought
makes me nauseous.
Oh, understandably.
Me, too, by the way.
It's just,
I had this idea for a sketch,
and I'm not sure if it's
funny-- you can be the judge.
It's about this powerful,
temperamental guy
who r*pes this virgin
in the middle of the night.
I know. Awful.
Knocks her up
without ever saying hello,
-buying her flowers, whatever.
-(snickering)
And then... then--
here's the funny part--
he has their b*stard son
publicly mutilated
and tortured to death
on a cross.
(scattered laughter)
You are a vile human.
Ah, f*ck.
You've heard this before.
(laughter)
Mr. O'Donoghue.
Are we still being formal?
Please, just call me Satan.
-No, I am Satan.
-I am Satan.
-LARAINE: I am Satan.
-JANE: I am Satan.
-I'm Satan.
-No, I'm Satan.
You will be forgotten.
I am gonna make sure of it.
DAN:
Well, we're Satan.
Bye.
(laughter, murmuring)
Are you out of your mind?
MICHAEL:
Look, for better or worse,
-I call it like I see it.
-That was worse.
Lorne, they need you
at the loading dock.
I'm sure someone can sign
for whatever.
-You're back on the Muppets.
-f*ck you.
-I'll quit.
-Yeah, I doubt that.
It's-it's Leo. He's been
fighting with security,
and there's blood.
(sighs) d*ck.
(sighs) Oh, sh*t.
DAN:
Satan.
-LORNE: Ah.
-d*ck: Hey.
-LORNE: Hey, d*ck.
Is this turkey? -(chuckles)
-d*ck: While I have you...
-Uh, there wasn't a sign, so...
-Great. -Lorne, Lorne,
while I have you,
uh, I know you always want
to be on the cutting edge.
Check this out.
Polaroid.
Okay.
Uh, we can have the actors
demo it live,
write it into sketches,
uh, do live commercials.
Funny ones.
The payout is bonkers.
d*ck, the cast didn't sign up
to do live commercials.
Neither did I.
Some of the cast
might find that very unseemly.
Mm-hmm. I completely
understand, but, uh, uh,
television's driven
by advertising.
It's what makes the motor run.
It's really not
a big deal at all.
Just please don't show this
to the talent.
I don't want them thinking
they're back
on "The Kraft Macaroni Hour."
Neil, what,
are we going kayaking?
What is this?
Uh, Lorne, we're over budget.
d*ck, you don't need
to tell me that.
Someone needs to tell you that.
We don't even know
what the show is yet.
How could we possibly
know the budget?
That's true. It's a good point.
Neil, please!
If we don't know
what the show is,
uh, Lorne, what the f*ck
are we doing here?
I know the ingredients, just...
-just not the amounts.
-Lorne, what does that mean?
-Just have to make it to 11:30.
-GUARD: I'm gonna f*ck you up!
-Hey!
-(grunts)
Ah, f*ck! You fascist.
LORNE:
You want to lose your job?
You want to lose your teeth?
I'm the producer
of "NBC's Saturday Night,"
and you just hit
a man with a Tony.
-LEO: f*ck you.
-I've hit plenty of Tonys.
All right, hey, that's enough.
GUARD: Tell your friends
no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.
-MAN: Walk away.
-All right.
-LEO: Shove it up your a*s.
-GUARD: f*ck you.
LORNE: All right,
keep coming with the bricks.
You took that punch
like a champ.
I'm actually not sure
you're supposed to be
pinching the bottom
of the nostrils.
If you pinch a little higher...
-Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
-NEIL: Any higher, it's bone.
Am I missing something?
Why are we using real brick?
Can't we just roll out
linoleum?
-Hey, f*ck you!
-d*ck: Okay, whoa. Just relax.
d*ck, our vision for home base
is a street corner
with all the grit and texture
of New York City.
Yeah, okay, but are...
I mean, are we gonna use
-real blood and vomit, too?
-LEO: I'll give you some
-real f*cking blood. -Hey, hey.
Whoa. No more fighting.
-No more fighting. He doesn't
know. -d*ck: Whoa. Relax.
He doesn't know. It's okay.
-LEO (sighs) Oh, my God.
-(elevator clanking)
Wh-Why are we stopping?
-Hello, everybody.
-LORNE: Andy.
-d*ck: Why is Andy on another
floor? -LORNE: What are you...
You can't keep
wandering off like that.
Mr. Michaels,
I had to go to the bathroom.
-That's very good.
That's very good. -d*ck: Lorne.
LORNE:
Barbara, what time do you have?
Uh, 10:39.
-Lorne.
-LORNE: Hmm?
The brick.
It's... (sighs)
It's got its pockets out.
It's workmanlike. It's honest.
d*ck, it's critical
for the success of the show.
Okay, but what is the show?
(sighs)
I mean, honestly, d*ck,
if you don't know by now...
(elevator clanking)
DON:
Chevy Chase.
Gilda Radner.
Dan Ike-a...
How the f*ck
do you pronounce it?
Aykroyd.
-Dan Aykroyd.
-50 minutes, everybody!
-DON: Laraine Newman.
-GARRETT: So, you nervous?
Uh, no, not really.
I mean, I've only got
a couple bits.
The... the jury thing
and a TV host.
GARRETT:
Uh-huh.
Say, uh, you ever wonder
exactly what it is
you are doing here?
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.
And what is that?
Well, Garrett, I'll tell you,
I like to give
a hundred percent
in everything I do.
And I like a dish soap
that does that, too.
So alive, so young,
so alluring, so exotic,
so hypnotic, so manipulative,
so sadistically a*usive,
so cartoonishly abhorrent.
You see, when it comes to
my skin and my sensitive parts,
I only trust
100% American-made steel wool.
-(coughing)
-Strong enough for a man
but whimsical and helpless
enough for a woman.
Don't wait. Act now.
Act like your very life
depends on it.
Act like your children's lives
depend on it.
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.
-And what the f*ck was
all of that? -(laughing)
That was my 20s, Garrett,
and that is exactly
what I'm doing here.
Well, sh*t.
I'm just here to play,
uh, the butler,
the shoeshine guy and the pimp.
Think you seem a little nice
for a pimp.
And you're a little pretty
for a comedienne.
Well, cheers to staying out
of the spotlight.
-GARRETT: Mm.
-(lights clunk)
DON: Ladies and gentlemen,
your host,
-George Carlin!
-(sniffs)
Can't just let me come out from
behind the g*dd*mn curtain.
I have to descend
like Norma f*cking Desmond.
All right. f*ck you, everyone!
f*ck you. f*ck you.
I've definitely f*cked you.
-f*ck you.
-Yeah!
f*ck you, and f*ck all of you.
-You have to distract her.
-How?
With your sparkling wit.
Uh, excuse me, miss.
Uh, could you confirm that
this is a normal deck of cards?
No marks, no folds,
no blemishes?
-JOE: George!
-Yeah. All right.
(clears throat)
Welcome to the show.
I have some music, some laughs.
I plug the record.
Blah, blah, blah.
...regular old deck
of 52 cards.
I am going to...
JOE:
George, keep going, please.
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You ever look at
the crowds in old movies
and wonder if they're dead yet?
Slow, slow, slow!
Are you f*cking kidding me
with this sh*t?
JOE:
And throw to Janis.
What?
Yeah, throw it to Janis.
Introduce her, please.
Keep going.
Ladies and gentlemen,
J-Janis Ian.
I learned the truth at 17
That love was meant
for beauty queens
And high school girls
with clear-skinned smiles
Who married young
and then retired...
-Mr. Carlin.
-Yeah.
I'm Joan Carbunkle,
NBC Standards.
GEORGE:
Oh, I didn't know they had any.
LORNE:
Joan, he's very busy.
Just please share your concerns
with me, all right?
No, no, no, no, I-I'd like to
hear her concerns personally,
if you don't mind.
I know you have a propensity
for the obscene
and a lurid interest
in colorful language.
Thank you very much.
Mr. Carlin, you'll be happy
to know that there is
one delay button,
and my finger is on it.
With ravaged faces,
lacking in the social graces
I'm surprised you even
found the button,
let alone touched it.
Desperately
remained at home
Is this your eight of diamonds?
Inventing lovers on the phone
who called to say
"Come dance with me"
And murmured vague...
Are you gonna help?
I really wish we could,
but, uh, we don't do bricks.
What guild is it
that does the bricks?
-Is that 422?
-No, that's carpenters.
How about 303?
Nah, that's the pipe fitters.
(laughter)
I don't know why
you're laying brick.
You're gonna be gone
in two weeks.
A brown-eyed girl
in hand-me-downs...
So, it's gonna be like one of
those 1950s safari flicks.
You know the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hay...
What the... Th-That's a prop.
So I want you to take this bowl
of potato chips here.
-Me?
-Yes, you.
-I want you to reach into them.
-Okay.
Every time I take a step,
give them a little crunch.
All right? It's like
we're in the safari.
-Ready?
-(Andy chuckles)
Give it a try.
(crunches)
(chuckling)
-(crunches)
-Early.
I just got this job.
-(crunches)
-Now we're getting it.
(repeated crunching)
(laughing)
You piece of sh*t.
-(crunching stops)
-That was nice.
Not bad.
(crunching resumes)
-ANDY: Oh. (giggles)
-(clicks tongue, spits)
ANDY:
Caw, caw.
-(hooting)
-Don't sh**t me.
-Caw.
-(Valri chuckles)
Caw, caw.
-CRYSTAL: I know that noise.
-(Andy hooting)
That's a monkey being run over
by the C Train.
(hooting continues)
CRYSTAL:
My archnemesis.
Here he comes.
(hooting stops)
There's no way they're gonna
fit all that show.
You think?
CRYSTAL:
Yeah, something's got to go.
Hey, Lorne,
can we talk minutes?
LORNE:
You're doing great, Billy.
-VALRI: That was weird.
-Yep, we're f*cked.
-(sewing machine rattling)
-GARRETT: Mm-hmm.
(sniffing)
Excuse me, "Ossifer."
Have I done something wrong?
What do we have here?
Why, that would be my a*s.
Mm-hmm.
Billy Preston's band
hooked it up.
Medical-grade, baby.
Floats in the bottle,
and then...
(snorting)
Checks out. (sighs)
Medical-grade.
Uh...
So, tell me how you fit
into this, uh, ensemble.
Oh, is this an ensemble?
Uh, no, we have many, uh,
-talented, talented improvisers
-(spray can whooshing)
from Chicago
and Toronto and, uh...
-JACQUELINE: And Boston.
-CHEVY: And Boston.
Yes, Jane Curtin
is from Boston.
-You met my fiance. (laughs)
-(sniffs)
Missed a little there.
Uh, but to answer
your question...
LORNE:
While I've got you c*ptive...
-They want to shave me.
-CHEVY: Oh, careful.
There's no jaw
under that beard.
-Just ten pounds of neck.
-LORNE: Chevy.
CHEVY: Uh, I'm pretty sure
you'll be seeing...
-(clattering)
-Jesus Christ, you psycho.
-You son of a b*tch.
-LORNE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
CHEVY: Throw that
one more time, I'll shove it
-up your f*cking a*s!
-LORNE: Hey, hey. Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, stop right now.
JANE:
Guys, come on.
-Cut it out right now.
-g*dd*mn it, stop!
Stop! Chevy, out.
Don't feed coke to the animals.
LORNE:
Out! Chev.
(John panting)
JANE:
Take a seat.
ROSIE:
You okay, John?
-So we're throwing things now?
-He started it.
It's just a shave, John.
So NBC owns my f*cking face?
-ROSIE: No.
-LORNE: Yeah, a little bit.
Would Jimi Hendrix play
in mittens?
That's a good point.
John, you're going to go down
as one of the giants
of character expressionism,
from Chaplin, Brando...
Belushi.
LORNE:
Why hide your gift?
Beards are for pussies.
The bees are bullshit.
You think I don't know that?
Of course they are.
They're stupid.
They're postmodern.
They're Warhol. They're iconic.
They're-they're Sgt. Pepper.
-ROSIE: So well said.
-LORNE: I'm glad you get it.
John, we go live
in less than an hour.
45 minutes!
-(Janis continues singing
in distance) -(clicks tongue)
I need you to sign
your contract.
(John scoffs)
(feedback squealing
in distance)
-Oh, yeah.
-(singing stops)
(electrical buzzing
in distance)
What? What's happening?
What happened to the music?
Hey, what...
wh-why'd you stop playing?
The speakers went out.
-All of them?
-All of them.
What the hell is happening?
What... d*ck.
I'm on with the outfit
that supplied speakers at...
-Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza.
-LORNE: Toscanini!
Height of audio fidelity.
What can we be doing?
Uh, yeah, what can we be doing?
We got no sound,
idiot on the light board,
and we go live in 45.
What do you want to rehearse?
-Uh...
-(Lorne sighs)
-We could pull up...
-Do you want to do...
-"Weekend Update"?
-"Weekend Update"? Yeah.
All right, everyone, we're
moving to "Weekend Update"!
-Okay, great, great, great.
-Don, stand by for your intro!
(busy chatter)
JOE:
Here we go. Move it, people.
CREWMAN:
Let's go, let's go!
LORNE:
I'm good. Fine.
CREWMAN:
All right, let's go.
Last looks, everyone.
DON: From "Saturday Night"
News Headquarters,
this is "Weekend Update"
with Lorne Michaels.
(takes deep breath,
clears throat)
LORNE:
Our top story tonight.
Some world news:
Japanese Emperor Hirohito
met Mickey Mouse
at Disneyland this week.
The emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Oy.
(someone coughs)
(forced chuckle)
LORNE:
How was that?
It was horrible.
Right. Um...
And now with a weather report,
we turn it over
to meteorologist John Belushi.
What's it looking like
out there, John?
Thank you, Lorne.
Uh, it's often said
March comes in like a lion
and goes out like a lamb.
But did you know March behaves
differently in other countries?
In Norway, for example, March
comes in like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.
Or consider
the Republic of South Africa,
where March comes in
like a lion
and goes out
like a different lion.
-(laughter)
-Like, one has a mane,
and the other
doesn't have a mane.
And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo
and stays a kangaroo
for a while.
-Australia.
-JOHN: Then... then,
for a couple days,
it's sort of a cross between
a frilled lizard
and a common house cat.
Then it changes back
into a smaller kangaroo,
and then it goes out like a...
like a wild dingo.
Now, now,
and it's not Australia!
You'd think it'd be Australia,
but it's not!
-Oh.
-(laughter)
And there are nine
different countries where March
comes in like a frog and goes
out like a golden retriever!
But that's not the weird part!
No, no, no, no,
the weird part is the frog!
The frog! The weird part is...
(grunts sharply, shrieks)
(laughter)
(laughs) Okay.
(laughter, applause)
-(grunting)
-You all right?
Are you okay?
-I give in.
-That was brilliant.
Now I need you
to sign your contract.
(grunts)
-Was that a yes?
-That was a yes.
-Was that a yes? Okay.
-That was a yes.
-Uh, Neil, can I get
the contract? -NEIL: Yeah.
-Okay.
-LORNE: Do you have a pen?
NEIL:
Uh, uh...
BARBARA: Lorne, Lorne, Lorne,
there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office.
Burbank. Carson.
Uh, okay.
Um, someone get him a pen.
Don't let him use it
as a straw.
Uh, rehearse something.
Anything.
All right, uh, "Bee Hospital,"
stage left.
-Let's go. We're moving.
Here we go. -(bell ringing)
-Great work, guys.
-HENSON: Excuse me.
Hey, Mr. Michaels.
-Oh, Mr. Henson.
-Hey.
I'm excited to see what you and
your merry band of creatures
have in store for us tonight.
Well, Lorne, uh, we don't have
any script pages yet,
so, uh, the Muppets
are flying blind here.
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of it.
-Neil, Jim needs his pages.
-HENSON: Thank you, thank you.
And please, uh, sorry, Lorne.
Can you please remind your crew
not to leave the Muppets
in compromising positions?
That doesn't sound like them.
Well, they left a note.
They didn't.
They did.
It said...
"f*ck-rags for rent."
-Mm-hmm.
-Okay?
I know what that means, so...
I'll... I'll talk to Michael.
-Immediately.
-Thank you.
(laughing)
All right. Thank you.
Oh, hey, Bernie.
Oh, no, you're good.
(takes deep breath)
Hello. This is Lorne.
CARSON (over phone):
I, uh... I was beginning
to think you didn't like me.
Of course not, Mr. Carson.
You're the voice
of a generation.
CARSON: I, uh...
I just wanted to reach out
and say good luck tonight.
LORNE:
Oh, that's very kind.
CARSON: And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure
we don't end up stepping
on each other's dicks.
-Right.
-You know how this all started,
-don't you?
-(softly) Just sign it, John.
Just sign it, John.
With a kite and a key,
I'm sure.
CARSON: Don't be a dipshit
for a second, kid.
I'm sure you've heard by now
that Mommy and Daddy
are fighting
and that's why you've got
the house to yourself tonight.
Frankly, it's the only reason
they'd ever green-light
your little talent show.
Look, these things always
go the same way.
First they try to f*ck you,
-and then they buy you dinner.
-Oh.
CARSON: I'm not opposed
to "Saturday Night."
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Even if it is a dumping ground
for the d*adbeats and bagheads.
-d*ck, no.
-CARSON: In the meantime,
you get to play dress-up
on national television.
-LORNE: Don't let him hold the
camera. -CARSON: Good for you.
So, here's some
friendly advice.
Enjoy your little show,
but don't get too comfortable.
You're a benchwarmer,
a stalking horse.
It's my f*cking network.
It's my f*cking night.
-(clattering)
-No hard feelings, though.
JOHN: f*ck the bees,
and f*ck this show!
JOE:
John, hey. Where you going?
-I go where I'm kicked!
-JOE: John.
CARSON: Heard you are
a halfway decent writer.
Uh, send me some samples
sometime.
We're always looking
for a punch-up.
(phone clicks)
How'd the call go?
Tremendous.
Thank you for asking.
-Oh, great.
-Belushi walked.
What? He quit?
No. Well, technically, he would
need a f*cking job to quit,
but yes, he walked.
We need to find him.
I'll take the eighth floor.
You take the ninth. Okay?
Uh... oh, okay.
Uh, hey, have you seen
John Belushi?
JIM FOX: We cannot broadcast
directly from 8H.
Um, sorry, Jim.
Have you seen John Belushi?
You want to hand the airwaves
over to that maniac?
NEIL:
Have you seen Belushi?
I'm not an animal wrangler.
Belushi? Belushi?
-Belushi?
-Belushi?
Belushi?
-Belushi?
-Belushi?
Hey, have you guys seen
John Belushi?
John?
(quiet chatter)
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.
Have you seen John Belushi
anywhere?
Oh, yeah, sure.
He was, uh, hanging out with us
yesterday, right, Howard?
No, sorry, I meant
in the last few minutes.
Oh. No.
You seemed stressed.
-You okay, buddy?
-Yeah.
You need a... you need a hit?
Uh, oh, no, no, no.
That's-that's fine.
-That's okay.
-Oh, I...
think it'd help.
That makes sense.
There we go.
Oh, look at him.
Attaboy.
Good luck on your quest, amigo.
(coughing)
Have you seen John Belushi?
Have you guys seen John?
Uh, Neil,
who do you think I am?
Human bumblebee.
No, man, I am talking about:
(voice distorting) What is
my identity on the show?
Don't ask me that right now.
I can't answer that right now.
Oh.
(chuckles)
-Oh. -(distorted)
What the hell are you doing?
Oh.
(ice rattling loudly)
Thank you.
Sorry.
Has anybody seen John?
-I'm John.
-I'm John.
-No, no, no, no.
-OTHERS (echoing) I'm John.
-Hold this, please.
-(ice rattling loudly)
TOM and FRANKEN
(echoing, repeating) Belushi?
NEIL: Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi?
Hey, kid, why are you holding
your face like that?
-Why you shouting?
-Oh, sweetie, are you okay?
I don't know.
I-I-I can hear my own blood.
-Am I gonna be okay?
-Don't ask her.
She's a nymph,
not a nurse, kid.
-I know that!
-Whoa.
-Look, should I be worried?
-About Neil?
No, f*ck Neil. About my act.
I can't get a straight answer
out of Lorne.
Billy, you're family.
-Uh, Neil...
-Neil.
ANNOUNCER (over TV):
This week on "The Rumpus Hour,"
Tony Orlando and Dawn,
Shields and Yarnell,
the Domingo Brothers,
and your favorite juggling
barbershop quartet,
Macho Quatro.
Lorne.
-You know Milton Berle?
-Oh. Absolutely.
Big fan.
I grew up on your work.
Who didn't?
Hear it's your big night.
Planning on it.
How's it all coming?
Just perfect.
-You never hear that.
-You certainly don't.
Yep. Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories,
I'm sure.
Sure, sure, yeah.
Used to call this
the RCA Radio Tower.
Radio, that wonderful invention
by which I could reach
a million people
who, fortunately,
couldn't reach me.
You know, Milt's TV show
once pulled a 97 share.
97% of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.
Do you ever miss being
Mr. Television?
What is he talking about?
Lorne, Milton remains
one of the Peacock's
most colorful feathers.
-It's quite a feather.
-Of course. Of course.
And I'm looking forward
to hosting your show.
Well, well, we'd be honored.
Uh, I think there's still
so many decisions
we'd have to make.
MILTON:
I'm hearing episode five.
TEBET:
The boys upstairs love it,
and the affiliates ate it up.
MILTON:
Well, they're the real boss.
LORNE:
Right. Well, it is a late show.
Are you suited for midnight?
(chuckles) At 67, I still
feel like a 20-year-old.
Unfortunately,
there's never one around.
-(Tebet laughs)
-Your reputation precedes you.
Yeah, by about 11 inches.
Excuse me a second.
TEBET:
Any sign of Belushi?
Uh, John?
I believe he's in wardrobe.
Why?
Legal is frantic
for his paperwork.
That's strange.
I'll look into it.
Lorne, I can only imagine
what must be running
through your mind:
the thought,
no matter how improbable,
that you might not
make it to air.
-Hadn't even occurred to me.
-Really?
I heard that you were having
some technical difficulties.
None that I know of.
-(clattering)
-What the f*ck?
I just heard that
your writers were stoned,
your actors were physically
assaulting each other...
-(clamoring) -...the sound
system was down...
What the hell is happening?
What...
...and a fire broke out
earlier.
(clamoring)
I've been doing this job
a long time.
I've seen it all.
I'm sure you have it all
under control.
Minor issues,
already addressed.
That's reassuring.
Oh, this whole conversation is
a soothing shower of relief.
Good, good. Look.
If, for some reason,
you can't lock your script
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts,
rest assured,
the country will be happy
to watch "Johnny Carson."
Well, we could always play
the tape of dress rehearsal,
worst-case scenario.
That's not the worst case.
(knocking)
-(quiet chatter)
-(Tebet sighs)
VALRI:
f*ck me, that's a lot of cards.
Yeah, what's the fastest you
can do your set, top to bottom?
-Five minutes.
-Yeah. Me, too.
-Could you do it in four?
-Probably.
Yeah. Me, too.
So, look, they're gonna
offer us three,
but we got to draw the line
at four, all right?
Okay.
I want to do the show.
Oh, yeah, we're doing the show.
We just can't get
jerked around.
-That's all.
-But we're doing the show?
Of course we're doing the show.
We just got to be
in this together.
Okay.
-Neil, sweetie, is everything
okay in there? -Hello!
Oh, my God.
Special delivery for Neil Levy.
-Flowers! Candygram.
-What's with the kvetching?
-Neil, uh...
-Neil, it's your mother!
-Open the door!
-(clamoring)
-A boy becomes a man.
-Come on out.
Come on out, Neil. It's okay.
-Hey, Neil, buddy?
-It's safe out here.
-You freaking out in there?
-Oh, God.
NEIL: I took a hit
in the departure lounge.
-All right. Whose grass was it?
-(Chevy whistling)
-One of the horn players.
-Oh, degenerates.
Well, that's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.
What you smoked was
a sacred strain
from the Isaan plateau
of Thailand, I believe.
-The best plateau.
-Make no mistake about it,
that stick's probably stronger
than a bull elephant,
but, uh, listen, we're all
a little freaked out, so...
-I'm freaked out.
-...why don't you come out
and, uh, we can...
we can check on your face,
make sure it's not
inside out, okay?
-Come on, Neil.
-Show us your face, Neil!
-Show us the face!
-Come on, bud.
-Show us the face.
-Aw. -Oh...
-(shouts)
-(laughter)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm just kidding.
Look, you're gonna be fine.
We'll fix you up
with some amphetamines.
You'll be fit as a flea.
Might even like the stuff.
Cocaine.
Robert Louis Stevenson actually
did some of his best writing
-on the nose candy.
-Oh, Bobby.
Not a lot of people know that.
Yeah. He was a big freak
for the Peruvian Lady.
Hey! We need everyone in togas!
Everyone down
to the eighth floor now!
(all whooping and hollering)
I'm not in a toga! (screams)
(laughter)
(whooping and hollering
continue)
Wait, what? Oh, oh, okay.
Okay, but why are we yelling?
JOE: Cast, got new pages.
Take a look.
WILSON:
Rocky, there's no way
these kids are gonna
hit their marks,
so you better be wide enough
to catch them all.
-We got that?
-Hey.
Did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?
Oh. Uh, she was of two minds.
What is this? Why are you
cuing up "Carson"? Who is that?
d*ck:
I think that's Tony Curtis.
That's pretty normal
right before a live show,
right, Dave?
Yeah, if anything goes wrong,
we bump the tape.
-See?
-R-Right.
Lorne, Lorne, we found
a lighting director.
LORNE:
Great. Go get him.
Well, no, he's lighting
a show right now.
-This will take some massaging.
-(sighs) We don't have...
What floor?
It's down on the sixth floor,
some variety show.
And he knows I'm coming?
Uh...
-Uh, say, Lorne,
this a bad time? -Huh?
-Perfect time, Garrett.
-Okay, I've been thinking.
Why did you hire me?
-You were cheap.
-Really?
I'm being ironical, Garrett.
The f*ck?
(inhales deeply, exhales)
Hey, Garrett. What's wrong?
(sighs)
Oh, nothing. I'm just, um...
just trying to figure out
exactly what it is
I am doing here.
Aw. What do you mean?
Oh, you know, I just...
I just can't help but feeling
a little bit like an outsider.
-Because you're so much older?
-What?
I went to Juilliard.
I've been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.
Man, they got me buzzing around
here in a g*dd*mn bee suit
and waving a g*n around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.
These are not
my strengths, man.
I am being underutilized.
Which makes me ponder--
what am I doing here?
You know how many operas
I've done?
-I have no idea, Garrett.
-sh*t.
While Danny and Laraine
were eating Froot Loops,
I was performing "La traviata"
in Italian.
You dig?
Of course. I-I dig, Garrett.
But, uh...
no one is saying
you can't sing on the show.
Right?
(sighs)
(elevator bell dings)
Where's the "Rumpus" room?
Down on the right.
(blades scraping)
Whoa, whoa. Pardon me.
(tap shoes clacking
rhythmically)
(bell ringing)
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-PRODUCER: And three, two...
("La Cumbia del Muerto" by
Mariachi Tenochtitlan playing)
PRODUCER:
And we... seven, eight.
And walking.
Five, six.
Uh-oh.
Smile.
(music continues,
muffled and distorted)
Hey! f*ck.
Get your head out of your a*s.
Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter, Carl.
Carl?
I have a job offer.
Comes with no guarantees,
no perks and no weekends.
How's the pay?
That's the worst part.
What the f*ck?
-When do I start?
-LORNE: Right now.
LIGHTING DIRECTOR:
Yeah, send me a postcard
from the gutter,
you little sh*t.
(song ends)
(quiet chatter)
Rosie, you seen Jackie?
No. Sorry.
(singsongy)
Knock, knock.
-Hi.
-Hi, stud. Can I see?
Can you get Chevy
to do this one?
Ooh. No way.
You look so sexy.
(groans) Th-These can't be
the right size.
Yeah, you're right. They should
be a little bit smaller.
DAN: Ah. Just feels like
it's a lot of leg.
ROSIE:
Are you kidding, hot stuff?
You're gonna melt every TV
in America.
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah.
You know, ma'am, you're dealing
with a fully qualified
-male strumpet here.
-ROSIE: Oh, "ma'am"?
DAN:
I've actually got a work order
stating I should be
rogering you roundly right now.
-(laughs) Stop it. -LORNE:
Hey, have you guys seen John?
Um, uh, no, I haven't seen him.
-(Dan clears throat)
-Danny?
-Yeah?
-BOTH: Have you seen John?
John. Uh, well,
John's an anarchist
and an Illinois alpha male.
Wh-What does that mean?
Oh, uh, well, see, boss,
you and I, if we were
to enter this space,
we'd be like
15th-century peasants
walking into the Vatican, but
Belushi's a whole other animal.
He's a skeptic and a sinner.
I'd give O'Houlihan's a recce.
-He's at the bar next door.
-LORNE: Ah.
Um, Barbara's still asking
about your credit on the show.
-ROSIE: Whatever you think.
-It's your name, Rose.
(sighs)
Has he only gotten that far?
We'd like to help, but, uh,
we're rooting for the guy.
Well, at least
your heart's in it.
Hey, you seen Jacqueline,
my fiance?
-No, I haven't seen sh*t!
-(laughter, indistinct chatter)
-Ladies, have you seen Jackie?
-No.
All right, change of plan.
We're skipping ancient Greece,
and we're moving
into the break room.
Ladies, I need you
in your hard hats.
-(groaning)
-Okay? Right now. Come on.
-I don't want to change.
-(squealing)
-Are we good? 'Cause, uh...
-(stammers)
-Is he all right?
-Yeah. Yeah.
Danny, I mean, whatever's
going on between you and me
is the last thing
on his mind right now.
So the man doesn't wrestle
with the green-eyed monster?
Hardly. I mean, look,
I've known Lorne
since I had toilet paper t*ts.
One day, he just
followed me home from school,
-and I never shook him.
-Hmm.
-Pretty sure you can be
arrested for that. -Yes.
-Look out, Rosie!
-Oh, sorry, Moose.
Anyways, I don't know.
Lorne lost his dad
when he was 14,
and his mom sold everything,
and so he spent a whole year
without furniture.
So when I first met him,
I thought,
he's just a stray looking
for a spare piece of carpet.
Like, he wants to be
a part of my family,
and I'm the kid sister
or something.
But then hormones.
Turns out
I'm not the kid sister.
And so we start dating,
and I think,
"Okay, he wants to build
a family with me."
And we get married,
we buy a house.
I mean, no ring-- I think
those are pretty stupid--
but linens and china.
And then it turns out I'm not
the kid sister or the wife.
So who are you?
I'm the writer.
-JOE: All right, rehearsal's
moments away. -DAN: Ah.
-JOE: Here we go.
-DAN: And, uh, who's he?
-We take you now to
ancient Greece. -Okay, girls!
-Whoa, whoa, no, not yet, Don.
-Gilda, can I get you
-behind the lockers?
-It's the wrong sketch, buddy.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
And try sitting like men.
-Oh, yeah.
-ROSIE: Perfect. Okay.
Hair and makeup, clear.
Clearing.
Please get the f*ck out.
Thank you.
Okay, and action.
(locker bangs shut)
Now that you've mastered all
the, uh, technical know-how,
I think it's time we work
on your sidewalk skills.
-All right.
-(light laughter)
GILDA: Daniel over here
has kindly offered
to aid us
in a live demonstration.
Come on out, Danny.
Danny, enter.
(someone clears throat)
-(laughter) -ROSIE: No,
you got to take off the robe.
I can lose it on the day.
I figured I'd rehearse with...
No, you can lose the robe
right now.
(laughter, whooping, whistling)
-The shorts are too short.
-ROSIE: Oh!
Now, when a little piece of
heaven like Danny walks by...
-Little strut?
-...here's how you make him
-feel right at home.
-Right. (clears throat)
-Voom, va-va, voom, va-va.
-(laughter, whooping)
Show him how you do it, Gilda!
GILDA: Okay, come on, Jane.
Give it to him.
-All right. -ROSIE: Rocky,
can you get a close-up?
Hey, dreamboat.
What's the matter?
Why don't you give me
a little twirl?
Show me what
you're working with, huh?
(others whooping, hollering)
GILDA:
Okay, give it to him, Laraine.
Hey, stud muffins.
Want to make bouncy-bouncy?
(laughter)
Are we still
doing the scene or...
What are you talking
to her for?
You're talking to me,
joy chunks.
ROSIE:
Stay in character, please.
-Hey. -GILDA: Come on, baby!
-JANE: All right.
LARAINE:
You dropped something.
OTHERS:
Oh...
Well, I guess I should just
pick this up.
-Oh, you better get it!
-(laughter, whooping)
Yeah, give it to him!
-Give it to him!
-Oh!
All right, all right.
All right.
They are so cute
when they're mad!
DAN:
All right. Thank you.
Okay, cut.
(whooping continues)
The shorts are... the shorts
are too short. I told you.
Here you go.
It was a great scene.
Yeah, strumpet.
JOE:
All right, everyone, moving on.
Great rehearsal. Here we go.
We take you now
to ancient Greece
as Alexander the Great
attends his ten-year
high school reunion.
Hey, boys,
have you seen Jackie?
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?
(busy chatter)
-(Jacqueline laughing)
-MILTON: Oh, look at that.
-My goodness. -Hey, hon,
they need us in Athens.
Jesus. Who's this guy?
Chevy, Milton taped a show here
back in 1956.
-Isn't that neat?
-Oh. She's taken.
What hours? I'll take
the rest of the evening.
-Excuse me?
-JACQUELINE: He's kidding.
-Yeah, buddy. I'm kidding.
-CHEVY: Oh, that's cute.
I remember when
you used to do comedy.
Ah, funny,
'cause I never heard of you.
That's probably
the Alzheimer's.
What's the matter,
did you wander off
-onto an actual TV set?
-(Milton chuckles)
CHEVY: Hey, darling,
you're sitting in front of
the Ghost of Television Past.
This old man, he...
he used to be an institution.
Now he needs one.
If you want my comeback,
you're gonna have to scrape it
off the back
of your mom's teeth.
(laughs) Jesus.
You're gonna laugh at that?
MILTON:
Listen, sweetheart.
There's plenty more
where that came from.
(pants unzip)
God.
Oh.
Do I have your attention?
(chuckles)
I have two stars
on the Walk of Fame.
-Oh. Mm.
-Oh, yeah, who gives a sh*t?
I once held 97% of America's
television viewing audience.
Eh.
That's not what
they're gonna remember.
They're gonna remember
Mr. Television,
their Uncle Miltie.
Who the f*ck are you, kid?
You're not a star.
You're barely in
the f*cking building.
(chuckles softly)
You're not even
a swinging d*ck.
(pants zip)
Call me after he's done crying.
GEORGE:
Are you sh1tting me?!
Are you sh1tting me
with this costume?
Can you make a path? There's an
actual comedian coming through.
Oh, wow. Look at these columns.
I feel transported. Oh...
-Hey, George. How can I help?
-Yeah?
So... so, what-what is...
what is this?
Why am I dressed like a f*cking
towel boy from Caesars?
Well, I believe you're
Alexander the Great at his,
-um, ten-year high school...
-Ten-year high school reunion.
-Thank you, Don.
-MICHAEL: Exactly.
So when Chevy asks
what you've been up to,
your response is,
"Ah, you know,
mostly, you know,
conquering the known universe."
Right. And-and this is
for television?
-Mm-hmm. What's your concern,
George? -Right.
My real concern is
why I let my agent
convince me to do your show.
Do you need some help
with the script?
I'd just love to know
where the humor is.
It's like a Spruce Goose.
It's a lot of wood
and no liftoff.
-Is that right? -Well, we can
rewrite. I mean, we have...
Jesus Christ, we could...
we could find...
No, no, no. George, I hear you.
LORNE:
We want to make it work.
I think I understand the reason
you might be struggling.
You see, these are scenes...
-Well, sketches.
-...that revolve around acting.
-Michael.
-And that must feel foreign
when you're
a ponytailed vulture
feeding off the corpse
of Lenny Bruce.
(scoffs)
It's okay. He's right.
You're right.
Because I wouldn't want
to make these skits
any worse than
they actually are.
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.
Enjoy your f*cking
little circle jerk!
We already are.
GEORGE:
Oh, your mom's here?
Hmm. Well, he's in character.
(ticking)
LEO:
It's sh*t.
g*dd*mn it, it's just...
(bricks clacking)
(applause)
(cheering)
(bricks clacking and scraping)
Lorne. Lorne.
Lorne.
Oh, Lorne. Great news.
Uh, we figured it out.
Ready?
Ta-da.
We cut the toga sketch.
Oh.
Even without "Alexander,"
we're still 30 over.
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances,
or maybe we could trim
one of the Carlin monologues.
Okay.
What about now?
Are we under now?
-AUDREY: What...
-We can make it work.
Hey, hey. Lorne, Lorne.
Uh, look, I-I know it's
probably a-a bad time and all,
-but, um, uh, Valri and I
have been talking... -Yeah.
...and we can't accept anything
less than four minutes apiece.
So that's four minutes for me,
four minutes for Valri.
Look, we ju... we've just been
working too hard
on our material
to accept anything less,
so it's four minutes
or nothing.
Well, I need two minutes.
You need me to cut
two minutes off my sketch?
I-I could do that, Lorne.
I mean, that's six minutes
only, you know...
No, I need
two minutes of material.
It's two minutes or nothing.
Is this for real? 'Cause...
Okay, I-I k*lled at dress.
Right? I'm the only act
that k*lled at dress.
I can do the show.
Billy, can you make it work
in two minutes?
I can't even set it up in two.
Then I don't know what to say.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Can you make it in two?
-Yes.
-Great.
d*ck:
Lorne. Lorne.
-Uh...
-(Lorne sighs)
I was thinking,
why don't we punt?
Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon.
That's what
you've been thinking?
Listen, no one wants this show
-to succeed more than I do.
-Is that so?
(stammers) I mean, yeah.
I hired you, Lorne.
I take it up the a*s
from this network every day
because I believe in this show.
And I'm telling you, we should
run the dress rehearsal
and claw back a win
next Saturday.
It's in everyone's
best interest, mainly yours.
-Sorry, was that a threat?
-No. What? No.
Uh, Lorne, all I'm trying to do
is give you advice.
25 minutes!
Thanks for the advice,
but we can't, d*ck.
-It's a live show. -No one's
gonna know the difference.
-We just can't.
-Lorne, you need to start
adjusting your concept
of what you can and cannot do.
We can't because
there is no tape.
I didn't record
the dress rehearsal.
So we don't have to argue
about it.
You didn't what?
We just have to make it to air.
Lorne, I'm not gonna be able
to protect you.
-I'm used to that.
-(chuckling) Oh, screw you.
Do you know how much bullshit
never makes it to your ears
because I'm the wall they hit?
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.
I'm sorry you need a sponsor
for a show that can't pull
a single advertiser.
-You know... -You know they're
giving out the ads for free!
NBC is lucky to have something
as relevant as this show.
-Lorne, they don't even
want it. -That's logical, d*ck.
That's why they're
paying us all to be here.
(sighs)
They want you to fail.
-They're betting on it.
-(chuckles) Really?
NBC makes more money playing
reruns of "The Tonight Show."
-(chuckles) I...
-So why don't they?
It's a contract dispute, Lorne.
I mean, th-they're trying
to prove to Johnny Carson
that the reruns are inevitable,
so they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.
I mean, Lorne,
90 minutes of live television
by a group of 20-year-olds
who have never made anything.
Do you ever stop
and wonder why they said yes?
A counterculture show
starring total unknowns
with zero narrative
and even less structure.
Are you that f*cking arrogant
that you never even
question this?!
Now, look, you want to know
what's gonna happen
at 11:30 tonight, okay?
Your actors will be
on their marks,
band's tuned up,
all ready to go,
Joe will be hollering out
the countdown,
and you'll be
in the control room,
and Dave Tebet will be standing
probably right next to you,
and when those screens
go black,
he will raise his big-a*s,
jeweled-up index finger
and say, "Go to 'Carson,'"
and that will be that.
You blew it.
And listen, I know you all
make fun of me and my clothes
behind my back,
but, Lorne, I'm k*lling myself
for this show.
Also, Polaroid is cool.
(footfalls ascending stairs)
(door opens)
(door closes)
-Oh, sh*t. Lorne.
-It worked.
(breathing heavily)
Nice work, fellas.
A little heavy on the flow,
but very funny.
Uh, sorry about the clothes.
FRANKEN:
And your face.
Art is but a measure
of sacrifice and tears.
Not quite ready for tonight,
but I'll keep it
on a special list.
TOM and FRANKEN:
Special list?
("Nobody Knows the Trouble I've
Seen" by Albert Ayler playing)
Uh, lobby.
This an okay time?
Ideal.
Look...
I know what people say
when they see a man
with his arm up a Muppet.
But this isn't
just kids' stuff.
I believe deep in my heart
that there is room
for high-stakes puppetry
on grown-up TV.
And I get the sense
that some of the writers
on the 17th floor
don't share that dream.
Y-You didn't like the pages?
There were no pages.
(elevator bell dings,
doors open)
That's fair criticism.
-NBC PAGE: Free show.
-(horns honking)
Free show, sir?
Free show.
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.
The night's still young.
Hey, man. How's it going?
(Lorne breathing heavily)
CRYSTAL:
Thank you. Uh, Long Island.
Massapequa Park.
NBC PAGE:
Hello?
(distant siren wailing)
(laughter inside)
COMEDIAN:
They had trouble
fitting in
when they got to America,
even though
my great-grandfather
actually fought
in the Civil w*r.
He fought for the West.
-(sighs) Jesus Christ.
-LORNE: Vodka, double.
COMEDIAN: This drunk,
he's in front of the bench.
The judge says, "Hey, we
brought you in for drinking."
And the drunk goes,
"Great. What are we having?"
(scattered laughter)
That's not the punch line.
Jesus, f*cking bullshit.
What's happening here?
I get paid seven bucks a joke,
if it gets a laugh, which...
This putz is taking
bulletproof material
-and filling it with lead.
-You wrote his jokes?
Yeah, I wrote things
that vaguely resemble
the things that he's saying.
Why don't you just
perform 'em yourself?
Look at me.
This is how much
I sweat offstage.
COMEDIAN: I get home
from work the other night,
I see my wife in bed
with my best friend.
I say to him, I go,
"I have to, but you?"
ALAN:
Oh, my God.
How many do you have in here?
ALAN:
About 1,100.
They're-they're
single-spaced, so...
Sorry, do you mind
if I go through 'em?
COMEDIAN:
Bring up the next comedian.
ALAN:
Yeah. Go for it.
COMEDIAN:
I'm sure you'll hate him, too.
(scattered applause)
(feedback squealing)
-COMEDIAN: Move.
-(chair drags)
-(Lorne chuckling)
-(comedian sighs)
God, that was f*cking rough.
sh*t crowd.
Yeah, that was it.
Hey, come on.
What's with the quarters?
Well, I changed the punch line
from '46 to '49
for the line about the Buick--
much bigger laugh, by the way--
so that means
I only owe you 3.50.
You want a job?
That would be great.
I want a length of rope
and a sturdy beam.
-COMEDIAN: Wait.
-How much do you need to live?
COMEDIAN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you...
I make three bucks an hour
at my day job.
-Match it.
-Th-This kid... Tell...
Tell him what you really do.
Tell him.
He's a deli boy, okay?
He's a... he's a schmuck
in a little paper hat
who slices the pastrami
behind the counter.
(laughing)
And he can barely do that.
Tell him what you did
to your finger.
-You're hired. Lorne Michaels.
-COMEDIAN: No, he...
-Alan Zweibel.
-Are you f*cking kidding me?
You'd be better off
buying the pastrami.
-Let's go.
-Wait, what? When do we start?
Um, Jesus Christ.
(comedian stammering)
COMEDIAN: You-you can't...
You better not leave.
You... This is not... This is
not gonna be good for you.
I was gonna take you to Reno.
(water flowing)
(Gilda laughs)
GILDA:
Oh, look at that form.
Beautiful.
(chuckles)
You ever have nostalgia
for a moment
while you're still in it?
I-I-I mean, like, uh...
You're in the moment, but
you're also looking back on it.
Like... right now I-I'm here,
but I'm also
thinking about this moment
20 years from now.
Uh, we're walking
by this ice rink.
Uh, maybe it's Christmas,
and...
our kids are dragging us
by our pinkies
and we got presents loaded
on our shoulders, and...
all we can think about
is this moment
right before we went on TV.
LORNE:
You know, the NBC liability act
forbids you from ice-skating.
-I found John.
-Oh, excellent work, Gilda.
JOHN: Good thing
I didn't sign my contract.
LORNE:
What's the deal, John?
You on the show or not?
The one where I get to dress up
like a giant, grotesque bee?
I don't know.
Let me ask my childhood dreams.
I want to try a triple axel.
-Uh...
-Now we're talking.
(stammering)
How about a single axel?
Nah, I...
I figure I can either
pull off the triple or...
die trying.
Tho-Those are the options?
(Lorne sighs)
(both chuckling)
Okay, John, I... I-I...
I-I support it.
Oh, God.
(exhales)
-He's gonna break something.
-Oh, God.
(grunting)
-sh*t, John!
-Oh, f*ck. John?
-GILDA: John?
-LORNE: Oh, f*ck.
Are you okay?
(groaning)
You all right? I yield.
I accept your surrender.
Do you... do you want me
to help you up?
No, I'm...
I'm just gonna lie here
for a minute.
Okay, sure. Yeah.
We have all the time
in the world.
(Lorne chuckles)
Who is that as*h*le, anyway?
It's Prometheus.
He stole fire from
the cauldron of the gods,
gave it to man so we could have
science and the arts.
Oh.
All right,
I'm gonna head back up.
We have a show
to put on, and...
I'd like to be there
when I get fired.
I'd hope to see
you there, too, John.
(panting)
(elevator bell dings)
-ROSIE: Hey.
-LORNE: Hey.
Heard you needed a quick change
for the last act.
Thank you.
What should I say
when I get up there?
-How should I know?
-You're the writer.
-You're the talker.
-I'm the talker?
Yeah, you talk the peel
off a grape.
That was funny.
Rose, I won't be offended
if you don't want
to use my last name.
It's not your last name,
Lipowitz.
(indistinct chatter)
Whoa.
Check it out.
Full house, right?
LORNE:
What did you tell them?
Well, I kind of had to lie
a little bit,
but the vibes are really good.
-Can we start to let them in?
-Uh, almost.
All right. Five minutes, guys,
ten minutes tops.
Let's keep these vibes going.
-LORNE: Whoa.
-JOE: Here we go! Pardo!
Be prepared
for your intro, please.
Here we go. Keep moving.
-Adequate?
-Adequate.
(d*ck chuckling)
Can you imagine being first up?
-Opening the show and all.
-Millions of people
trying to decide...
FRANKEN: How they want to spend
their Saturday night.
-What's the first thing
they see? -Hmm.
-No logo, no intro.
-Nope.
Just a close-up
of your pretty face.
-Nah.
-Ah, who gives a f*ck, right?
Yeah, it's just
a bunch of animals
-watching their lava lamps.
-You're gonna do great.
-TOM: Yeah.
-f*ck off.
FRANKEN:
We're pulling for you.
TOM:
Break a leg.
You the, uh, writer
Lorne found in a bar?
Uh, that's a slightly romantic
read of the story,
but, uh, yeah, I guess so.
All right.
Well, jump on in. Water's warm.
-Okay.
-(bell ringing)
Okay, quiet, please.
Work stops now.
We're holding
for a sound check.
Who wants to do
the sound check?
Garrett, don't you know a song?
-Hmm?
-(feedback squeals)
Uh... (clears throat)
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(clears throat)
I'm...
Gonna...
Get me a shotgun and k*ll
all the whiteys I see
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
and k*ll
All the whiteys I see
When I k*ll
all the whiteys I see
Then whitey,
he won't bother me
Gonna get me a shotgun and
k*ll all the whiteys I see
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
and k*ll
-All the whiteys I see
-(band joins in, others cheer)
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
and k*ll
All the whiteys I see
When I k*ll
all the whiteys I see
Whitey, he won't bother me
Gonna get me a shotgun
and k*ll all the whiteys I
Get me a shotgun
and k*ll all the whiteys I
Gonna get me a shotgun and
k*ll all the whiteys I see.
(cheering, whooping)
LORNE:
Bravo!
Garrett, that was fantastic.
-GARRETT: Oh, thank you.
-What?
GARRETT:
Thank you.
LORNE: That was terrific.
That was absolutely...
ROSIE:
You have an incredible voice.
-You still not gonna give me
no lines. -It was beautiful.
GARRETT:
Mm-hmm.
Uh, gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?
-Long enough.
-AUDREY: Lorne,
we need to let the audience in.
No, you don't.
Perhaps you kids aren't quite
ready for prime time.
What-what are you
talking about?
Look around, Lorne.
You haven't locked a script.
Your actors are missing.
Your crew is in open rebellion.
(chuckles)
They'd be laughing at you
in Burbank.
ROSIE:
Burbank?
Excuse me, this is
New York f*cking City.
Who's she?
-She... It's...
-It's... I...
It's complicated.
W-We have a hell of a show.
We have two bands.
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive.
Do you even know
where they are?
Uh, most of them. Yes.
May-Maybe we'll just try again
-next Saturday.
-No. No, no, no.
Don't do that. Come on. No.
Everybody in this room
has been k*lling themselves
-to make something special.
-I know.
-Special? Innovative?
-To make something innovative
-and actually good,
for a change. -For a change?
Don't tell me that you've been
doing this so long
that you can't even recognize
the potential for greatness
when it's right in front
of your face.
Do you even know
what this show is? Tell me.
(Tebet takes a deep breath)
It's an all-nighter
in the city.
It-it-it's catching
Richard Pryor at a drop-in
or finding Paul Simon strumming
in the back of a dive bar.
It's meeting a girl
outside of a bodega
and getting lucky
in a phone booth.
It's...
It's everything you think
is going to happen
when you move to the city.
That's our show.
That's "Saturday Night."
Show me.
Show you what?
Show me "Saturday Night."
I... We go live in less than...
Ten minutes!
No, you don't!
Show me.
("Here I Come to Save the Day"
('Mighty Mouse' Theme) playing)
Mr. Trouble
never hangs around
When he hears
this mighty sound
(lip-synching)
Here I come to save the day
-That means that
-(laughter)
Mighty Mouse is on the way
So though we are in danger,
we never despair
'Cause we know that where
there's danger he is there
He is there on the land,
on the sea
In the air
-We're not worrying at all
-(laughter)
We're just listening
for his call
(lip-synching)
Here I come to save the day
(laughter)
That means that Mighty Mouse
is on the way.
(song ends)
(cheering, laughter)
Andy, you're a genius.
Now save your voice.
Pull up "Weekend Update."
JOE: All right, we're moving
to "Weekend Update."
-Okay.
-JOE: Let's go.
-Hey.
-You take it.
-What do you mean?
-The show needs a face.
Are you sure?
You were born for this.
Trust me.
Should I make up a name
for the news anchor?
Oh, use "Chevy Chase."
No one will believe it.
CREWMAN:
Here we are. Good.
LORNE:
Hey, remember this.
When you look into the lens,
you're making eye contact
with America.
DON: And now, "Weekend Update"
with Chevy Chase.
(grunts)
Hey, doll.
-What are you wearing?
-(light laughter)
Is that why I hear purring?
(laughter)
What do you got for me?
It's my favorite.
Okay, great.
(high-pitched) Good e...
(clears throat)
(normal voice)
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.
The Post Office announced today
that it's going to issue
a stamp commemorating
prostitution
in the United States.
It's a ten-cent stamp,
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.
(laughter, applause)
-(whooping)
-JOE: All right, everyone.
Eight minutes till showtime.
(bell ringing)
Open the doors.
Oh, thank God.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.
(band playing
"Nothing from Nothing")
Right this way, folks.
You're in for a real treat.
Yeah! Yeah.
Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin'...
BARBARA:
Lorne, you remember Carl?
LORNE:
Carl? Ooh, Carl!
Have you ever used
one of these before?
Not a once.
You'll pick it up in no time.
You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me
Come on, guys. Grab a brick!
I'm not tryin'
to be your hero
(Preston chuckles)
'Cause that zero
is too cold for me, ha!
I'm not tryin'
to be your highness...
Heard you needed pages.
Aw, thanks, Mike.
Is too low to see
PRESTON:
Come on, now.
Oh, no.
d*ck, uh, question:
What-what is a "golden shower"?
-Oh, uh, it's a yoga ritual...
-d*ck: Mm-hmm.
...in which practitioners
greet the new day
by allowing the golden rays
of sun to...
-Shower.
-Over their skin
-and warm their chakras.
-Mm. It's a California thing.
ROSIE:
Mm.
I've had at least 50
golden showers.
You heard him, Joan.
Sign the damn script.
We're going to air.
Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin'
if you wanna be with me
Don't you remember
I told ya
That I'm a soldier
in the w*r on poverty...
Smith & Wesson K-Frame
Model 19 Combat Magnum.
-Wallie, you son of a b*tch.
-Hey, you asked.
Wallie, my man.
You got something for me?
Yes, you do.
George, I wanted to apologize
for how you were treated...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Are you having a stroke?
-(groans)
-You need more coke?
-(grunts)
Uh, Danny!
(audience clapping rhythmically
to music)
Here, I got you.
Hurry up. Come on, faster.
Watch your fingers.
LEO:
All right.
Oh, boy. Lockjaw.
It's, uh...
it's too much cocaine.
It's seizing up
the old mandibulars.
Let's get some finger love
in there, huh?
-Yep. Just a little bit
of this. -(George grunts)
You'll be fine.
-Okay, great.
-There we go.
(squealing, excited laughter)
PRESTON:
Hey! (laughs)
PRESTON:
Here we go!
Nothin' from nothin'
Nothin' from nothin'
Hey, now
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
LORNE: Can you get
in that wig in 30 seconds?
-You got it, boss.
-Has Henson got his pages?
-He loves 'em.
-And will that crane get there?
-It'll happen.
-Did you trim the fat on that?
Already on cue cards.
Laraine, I don't think
you can make the change in...
-(bell jingles)
-(wolf whistle)
NEIL:
Whoa.
I stand corrected.
AUDREY:
Is that our show?
-That's our show.
-PRESTON: Oh!
JOE:
Three minutes.
DAN:
Yeah.
(Preston vocalizing)
-Last one. Last one. Get it in.
-Yes!
-Come on! Hey!
-Finally!
-(song ends)
-(cheering and applause)
DON:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.
(cheering continues
over monitors)
(clock ticking)
(cheering and applause
continue)
(laughter)
-Ah.
-Oh, wow.
-Wow. -Photo. Photo.
-Okay.
-Holy...
-I want a photo. Come on.
-Family photo. -No, no, no,
no, no. We're at two minutes.
-There's no time.
-No, come on.
It'll never be the same
after this.
-Come on.
-Oh, f*ck.
I'm not leaving
until I get my photo. Come on.
JOE: I guess everybody
go ahead, then.
Uh, do we have a camera?
-I have a camera.
-JOE: Just quickly.
GILDA:
Great! Yes! Come here!
(Gilda laughing excitedly)
(camera clicks, whirs)
(excited laughter)
JOE:
All right.
60 seconds. Come on, everyone.
-Let's go, please.
-(overlapping chatter)
-After you, after you.
-One minute. Let's go to work.
-Hi.
-(quiet chatter)
LORNE: What are we
using him for again?
ROSIE: I, uh...
I don't really remember.
LORNE:
Sorry.
Thanks.
-Mm, mm, mm. Hey.
-Rocky, wake up!
Hey, hey, name.
Oh, uh, Rosie, we need
your last name for the credits.
-Uh, Shuster.
-Shuster.
(quiet chatter)
30 seconds!
Hey, can we get
a mic check, please?
Uh, uh, one, two,
-uh, uh, three.
-(sighs)
Somebody's got the yips.
-JOE: 20 seconds.
-WILSON: Is Carlin in costume?
Yeah, they settled on
a T-shirt and jacket.
Mr. Carlin, may we get
a mic check?
GEORGE (over speaker):
One, two, f*ck you.
Subtle.
Okay, Carson's still cued
for dead roll?
Are we going live
or going to tape?
Pre-roll on VTR 14.
JOE:
Ten seconds.
-WILSON: Ready, camera two.
-JOE: Seven...
-Pre-roll at six.
-WILSON: Ready on the fade.
JOE:
...six, five, four...
Are we going live
or going to tape?
...three, two...
-Go live.
-AUDREY: Go live.
-Okay. Go live. -Go live!
Go live! -Live, live, live!
WILSON:
Fade up. And we are live.
-(clock ticking)
-(Lorne chuckles uneasily)
WILSON: Ready, camera one.
Take camera one.
BARBARA:
Cue Belushi.
Cue John.
-Where's John?
-AUDREY: Where the hell is he?
WILSON:
Cue John.
(breathing heavily)
(door opens)
(sighs)
(camera clicks)
Good evening.
(foreign accent)
Good evening.
(whispers)
Maybe closer.
(enunciating slowly)
Good evening.
(slowly with foreign accent)
Good evening.
(light laughter)
Good evening.
(laughter)
MICHAEL:
Let us begin.
Repeat after me.
-I would like...
-I would like...
-...to feed your fingertips...
-...to feed your fingertips...
(laughter)
-...to the wolverines.
-...to the wolverines.
(laughter)
MICHAEL:
Next. I am afraid...
JOHN:
I am afraid...
-...we are out...
-...we are out...
-...of badgers.
-...of badgers.
(laughter)
-Would you accept...
-Would you accept...
-...a wolverine...
-...a wolverine...
-...in its place?
-...in its place?
(laughter)
MICHAEL:
Next. "Hey!" Ned exclaimed.
"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.
(laughter)
-"Let's boil..."
-"Let's boil..."
-"...the wolverines."
-"...the wolverines."
Next.
(gasps sharply)
(Rosie chuckles)
(gasps sharply)
(laughter)
(cheering, applause)
Live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
(cheering)
(Howard Shore's "'Saturday
Night' Opening Theme" playing)
(theme ends)
MAN: Aaah! All right,
we gonna do it again.
Now we got it, now we got it.
Go back, go back, go back.
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Saturday Night (2024)
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Biographies Movie Collection