05x03 - This is Going to be Really Hot Tea

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Kardashians.

It's exhausting being
better than everyone.

- We're gonna celebrate!

I am in my actress era.

We're gonna watch The Golden Bachelor.

- You're finally on my Bachelor bandwagon?
- Mom, shut up!

I've been on The Bachelor
with you for years.

- How are you feeling about leaving?
- Bittersweet, it's a lot.



They just don't leave.

Look at the Eiffel Tower!

I think Khloé would be happier
if she wasn't so, like, rigid.

Okay, I gotta get ready for school pickup.

We wish you were here.

"Do you think Kim would
wanna do her own show?"

, what did I get myself into?

♪ Come on, come on, let's go ♪

♪ It's what you waitin' for ♪

♪ Check this ♪

Mother? Dónde, Dónde está?

It is birthday season.

I came here to talk about Kim's birthday.

I don't love being the birthday planner,

but I'm a control freak
'cause I know it will get done

the way Kim wants it done.

How do you do this? But I don't know how
to work this.

That thing was so strong
and fabulous,

but my legs were getting squished.

What? Why?

I think I have
a circulation problem

and I really have ringing
in my ears, constantly.

I absolutely love my mom,

but I feel like every other day,
every other week,

I'm getting a text or a phone call of her

just complaining
about another ailment

that's on the rise.

Think I'm probably losing my hearing.

Mom, stop it.

It's very monotone
and it's very consistent

and it never changes.

Noice.

It is a noise.

- Noice.
- Oh, noice.

And with the amount of yachts
my mom has traveled on,

maybe she has some water stuck in her ear.

But I have a ringing in my ears 24/7.

Do you know that th-there is,
like, a background hum in this room?

Well, mine goes with me
everywhere, in any room.

That frequency, it's like
a

and it doesn't stop.

What does that mean?
Is it always gonna be there?

Is there a solution? Is there a cure?

I mean, there's all
these unanswered questions.

Does it get louder?
Do you lose your hearing?

I'm hoping that Corey
will be just as attracted to me

when I have a hearing aid

and I don't even have
any hair to cover it.

Mom, well, you don't need a hearing aid.

MJ doesn't have a hearing aid.

- Mm-hm.
- Your mother, knockin' on 90,

doesn't have a hearing aid,
and she's as, like...

What? "Smart as a whip",
or what is the expression?

Bright as a tack.

What? Why is a tack bright?

I don't know.

That's not the expression.

- Bright as a t...
- Bright as a tack.

Sharp...
- Sharp as a tack.

Yeah, I was gonna say, "What?"
- She is sharp as a tack.

Bright as a tack?
- Bright as a light, sharp as a tack.

Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

My mom is the queen of [bleep] up phrases.

And not in a good way,
not like, "[bleep] it up!"

Like, she's [bleep] them up.

You can lead a horse to water.

Do you hear that buzzing?

- This?

- Oh, right.
- Wow, you got this. I believe in you.

Okay.

"Eighty-five thousand people

got rid of this
infuriating ringing noise...

Yello!
- ...And reclaimed their hearing."

- I said hello!
Hello!

Hi.
- So, what's up, ladies?

- Mazel.

-"A dangerous activity...
- How is it in there?

- Fine, you gotta try this out.
-"...Happening inside a tiny part

- ...Of my brain."
But take your shoes off.

- You'll love the foot action.
- Hello?

"If untreated, dementia, Alzheimer's,

"or Parkinson's could be

- in my future."
- What did you say?

- I can't hear.
- Let me tell you somethin'.

You lookin' young.

Really?
Yeah, she is.

The way you're hangin',
who taught you to do that?

Is that outta, like, the cool, young book?

I can't hear.

Huh?!
- Oh!

- Your ears are fine.
We'll fix it.

Oh, God.

Scott, but we're gonna stop
losing weight, right?

- You look amazing, but, like...
- Maybe, like, three more pounds?

Three? Oof.

But, I mean, honestly, I had no idea how
horrible it was.

What I was doing at night.
Eating those little bread things.

- What are they?
- Bread things?

Kylie loves them too.

She always keeps them in their car.

Oh, the Hawaiian rolls.

Yeah, the Hawaiian rolls.

- Scott. Are you crazy?
- The Hawaiian rolls?

I was pounding
a whole box of 'em a night.

- Scott!
- Are you serious?

I loved them,

but I didn't realize what I was doing.

And then I also didn't know
the whole thing about ginger ale

- being the same as a soda.
- What?

I know, it just seemed
like it was a soothing drink.

So, every night
you would have a ginger ale...

No! All day...
- Oh.

- ...I would drink gingers.
- Ay.

I was goin' through 20 gingers a day.

[gasps] What?
- Yeah.

Wow.
- Oh, God.

I don't know what's happening here.

You're boring me.

Let's go, Scott.

How do I get down? Khlo?

Mother?
Yes, ma'am!

We still need
to talk about Kim's birthday.

- Yeah, um...
I'm with ya.

So, it's about that time,
that it's birthday season...

- For the next two months.
- It's great.

So, Kim's is coming up,
then it's Halloween,

then it's Kendall's, then it's Kris's.

That's a lotta work for you.

I'm a [bleep] control freak.

You're everything, Khlo.
- Thank you.

- You're a control freak and beautiful.
- Thank you.

I, 100%, am a control freak,

and I find that to be
a beautiful compliment,

so thank you very much.

So, I sent everyone the RSVP email.

So, what do you got? You got her lifers.

- Lifers. The Milan chat.
Same.

- All the people who went to Milan with us.
Milano.

- All the siblings, all the girls.
- Cute.

Okay, as great as this has been,
I have to go.

I have the kids'
first hip-hop dance class.

You're goin' to dance class today?

Oh, and you're going Saturday too?

- That's ballet.
Oh.

This is hip-hop.

Well, it was lovely seeing both
of you young girls; you look great.

Look at Kendall's Tommy Hilfiger campaign.

She's sh**ting right now in her backyard.

Isn't that cute?

- How cute is she?
- That is so cute.

She is quite spectacular.

- Huh?
- Anyways.

I can't hear. What?

sh**t, it's too late
for me to get breakfast.

It's my birthday week,

and on top of everything
that I have going on,

I've been called to do jury duty
and I can't get outta this one.

Wonder what kind of, like,
O.J. Thing I can say.

Feel like there's some
kind of O.J. Connection

that'll get me out of jury duty.

Just kidding.

But I think it's fascinating,

the process, and I think it's
a duty that we owe.

I respect that, but

it would be really hard
for me to convict someone

knowing the conditions
that they were going in to.

Because I don't think
that prisons are set up

to be really rehabilitation centers.

I would wanna serve,
but it would be hard for me

to make that decision.

I told my kids I'd
go to jail if I,

if I was late, so I had to hurry.

Also, just, I don't have
time for this [bleep].

I am a single mom of four, and it is wild.

Right when I think I have two minutes just
to wash my hair,

"Mom! [speaks gibberish]."
And they open the door to the shower.

I almost feel like my kids have this radar

where they know that I'm doing
something really important.

Yeah?

They have the Kobe shoes.

At the mall.

And then...
Don't fall, please, come on.

You're giving me a heart attack.

Don't mind my injured kid

- crying in pain.

This is what they do to me.

Thought I was gonna end
up on an episode of Snapped

yesterday.

I don't know why I don't have it in me to
be super strict.

Neither one of my parents were strict.

Khloé is a lot better at being stricter.

I wish I was more like that but, ya know,

I'm just one person and it's overwhelming.

Just how do I go about doing this all?

These people are gonna judge me hardcore.

♪ And it just feels so right ♪

♪ Never was the one to say ♪

- ♪ That I'm fallin' in love ♪
- Mom?

♪ Just for tonight ♪

Coming!

- Hi.
- Hi!

- How are you?
- You look so pretty.

Thank you. Hi, Hannah!

So glad you guys are here.

- Big night, big, crazy night.
So excited.

Kendall is a huge Golden Bachelor fan.

She's absolutely obsessed with Gerry.

Gerry!

She is beyond, beyond glued to the TV
every time it comes on.

So, I asked them if they
could arrange a dinner

with Gerry, the Golden Bachelor.

By the way, I'm a huge fan too.

Can't be more excited.

Guys, he probably just got engaged.

- I know, which good for him.
- Right?

- I know.
- I hope he did.

My mom, of course,
in her Kris Jenner ways,

figured it out, pulled some strings
with Disney and Hulu,

and got Gerry to come over for dinner,

while the season is airing,
which is really special.

I think that this is the most excited
I've been in a really long time.

- So...
- Have you heard that there's a lookalike?

Oh yeah, you know, it's like...

Literally, it's you and dad.

- Are you up to date?
- Yeah.

Do we wanna know if he ends up...

Like, we don't have to say who
or, like, don't ruin it,

but like, "Are you with someone?"

I kinda wanna know.

You don't even need to knock.

Gerry!
- Well...

Gerry!
- Hello, everyone.

I'm Kendall.

Kendall, hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God.

Nice to meet you, thank you very much.

Look at you!
- Hi! How are you?

- Oh, my goodness. This is awesome.
- Nice to see you.

Thank you very much.

We are your biggest
three fans in the world...

Well, and my daughters
are your biggest fans.

- Stop.
- Oh, my gosh.

- When I go home...
- Go home? Where's your phone?

Where's your phone? We need a Facetime.

- Can we Facetime somebody?
- Well, I don't know how to do that.

Okay, alright. Where's their number?

- Kendall, do it.
Mom!

Oh, who's... What's happening?

We don't wanna read,
we don't wanna read his texts.

- Okay. We don't? Maybe we do.

Here we go.

Mark my words,

by the end of this dinner,

I will absolutely know who the winner is.

Mom, should we sit down?

This is so...
Yeah, sit down.

- Come sit.
- This is so funny.

Come sit.

I can't even lie.
This feels good right now.

So...
- So?

So, what's happening?
Are you enjoying your journey?

- I'm havin' a ball.
- Wait, are you at the end, is it done?

- It is.
- Okay, Gerry.

- Um...
I have a very serious question.

- No, I have a serious... Can I ask first?
- Okay, fine, you go first.

- This is so fun, by the way.
- It's fun for us too.

Um, did you find a match?

Mom, I don't think he...

What color hair does she have?

Have a sip of your martini.

- Not us getting him drunk to find answers.
- Wait, okay, Gerry...

What happened in your fantasy suites?

I'm very happy about
the overnights because...

- I'm sure you are.
...You spend...

Yeah, but not for the reason
you're thinking.

- It... It's like...

If you spend five weeks
getting to know women,

yet everything you say and do is recorded.

Mm-hm.
- Okay? You're dying to get

to that overnight where you can
ask the questions without an audience.

I have so many questions.

Like, I feel like this is gonna
be really, really hot tea.

Did "you know who" come back?

Are the names
on the back of the rose?

What was your favorite day?

How do you balance falling
in love with multiple women?

The poor guy, we're, like,
literally bombarding him.

Like, if they were saying like,
"I'm so in love with you,"

did you ever feel pressure to say it back?

And I'm sorry, but, like,
this is definitely an opportunity

that I need to take
to ask the real questions.

Gerry, how tall were they?

- Did you have to cut anyone off?

Cut anyone off?
- Drink-wise?

Mm-hm.
- No. Oh no.

To my knowledge, none of them were heavy
drinkers, no.

So, Susan's not so much like you?

- Not as much as we thought.

I love a good martini.

What's one thing you learned
about yourself from the show?

Oh, that's a good question.

- That I get emotional so easy.
- Mm.

Each rose ceremony was difficult.

- Yeah.
- It's awful.

- It was loss.

See, I love how
emotionally intelligent you are.

I mean, that probably comes
with the age as well,

- but, like, it's so beautiful.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not smart,

- I'm just old.
But no, you're...

- No, you are smart.
No, but a lot of...

- Trust me, a lot of us old people...
- I'm sure there's men that, yeah,

don't put that together at ever,

- you know?
- Yeah.

So, um,

do you think you found your person, Gerry?

And what
color eyes does she have?

Yeah, does she have nice teeth?

- Listen, we're just so happy

- that you're here.
- Well, thanks.

And my prayer for you is that
I hope that you found happiness

and some love in your life.

- Oh, thank you for that.
- Cheers to you, Gerry.

Honestly, cheers, Gerry, honestly.

It's very interesting to see
that people over the age of 50

actually have a dating life
or want to find love again.

I think that's super sweet

and relatable to somebody my age.

I think it gives women,
of a certain age, a lot of hope.

Uh, I'm... I wanna watch this episode.

- I'm excited.
- Well, I'm ready.

So, something I've been keeping to myself
and it's been really hard,

I saw things that I shouldn't've seen.

Hannah. Did you not see what I saw?

I saw his phone.

And he called her like five times.

I know who wins.

I think. I'm assuming because

I've seen some things
that I shouldn't've seen.

I saw Gerry's phone.
I know who wins.

[softly] I know who wins.

Are you sure?

Hannah, she was scrolling
through his phone

and I saw his call log.

So, when my mom, I'm gonna blame it
all on my mom,

when my mom was, obviously, innocently

trying to help him find out
how to call his daughter,

I saw him call the girl,
like, eight times that day.

This is going to air
after their finale aired.

Yeah, their finale's, like, next week.

Do you wanna share with us?

- Who wins?
Yeah.

Theresa.

No!

.

I ruined the whole thing.
I didn't even mean to.

I'm kinda glad we know this.

Unless, like, he knows another woman
by this name

and he was calling her all day long,

but I don't think that's the case.

I saw it and I felt like I was
looking through a boyfriend's phone

and I saw things I shouldn't've seen.

Like, I was... Like, my heart dropped.

I literally saw her name
and was like [gasps].

I had one last question to ask you
that was really important to me.

- Okay.
- Tell me about the hearing A*DS.

- Hm.
- Because I have been experiencing

- a bit of ringing in my ears.
- Mm-hm.

- Did you ever hear the ringing?
- Oh, oh, it was bad.

It got slowly but steadily
a little louder, a little worse.

So, when do you know that you're ready for
a hearing aid?

I think when you feel like
you're frustrated enough

that you're missing too much,
it'll be time to go.

One of the things that
intrigued me about you

was your ability to just
talk about that, which is,

ya know, hard for me
to talk about at my age.

- I feel a little bit vulnerable.
- Everyone is different.

I don't feel self-conscious
about them at all.

I mean, it-it's ear candy, by the way,

- ya know?
- Oh, I like it.

Mom!

- Let's go watch the show, okay.
- The show.

- Enough about hearing A*DS.
- Yeah.

- Okay. We're good.
- Yeah, we can't hear it anyway.

- Mom!
- I'm coming! For God's sakes.

I think the message of The Golden Bachelor

is that everybody loves love.

- This is like fantasy land for me.
- Yeah, everyone get cozy.

- Honest to God.

And you never stop looking for

that dream of being in love

and wanting to spend
your life with someone.

This is so exciting; I'm not gonna lie.

- You're tellin' us.

Mom!

Oh, I just started thinking, like,

do I need stuff for Palm Springs?

Do I need stuff for...

Do we need glam for after you give birth,
in the hospital?

Yes. My mom would always
get glam before giving birth.

She was... She wasn't even famous.

Today, I am sh**ting
with the Morelli Brothers.

My doctors gave me very specific,

strict orders of how to do this sh**t.

I'm allowed to sh**t for two hours, tops.

And we made sure that it was


and can stop at any time
if I'm not feeling up to it.

Hi!
- What are you doing here?

I came to check on you and surprise you...

- Well, that's nice.
- ...And see how the boys were doing.

- How are you feeling?
- I feel good.

- I, um...
- Is this a heating pad?

- No.
- No, it's a radiation blanket,

- so it protects from my computer.
- Oh.

Of course, you have a radiation blanket.

Actually, I have... And my phone.

And then, this is a radiation case
and a radiation sticker.

Wow, I have a feeling
that after this next week,

- you're gonna be on bedrest.
- No, I am on bedrest.

I know, but I mean, even...

Like, you won't be here
trying to do this or that.

I'm, like, 70% on bedrest...

Mm-hm.
- ...And my doctor gave a note,

Like, I have to be sitting
or laying for the sh**t.

I could stand only
for 20 minutes at a time.

Oh, right.

But they also don't
want me on full bedrest

'cause they want me to walk around

- and not get clots.
Yeah.

Wait, what is this Erewhon drink?

You wanna try it?

Oh, okay.
Whenever I feel like

I'm getting sick, I literally have
it as my meal...

Mm-hm.
- ...And I don't get sick.

Oh, would somebody text Matt that fact?

'Cause he's not feeling well. Thank you.

And he hasn't been at home
in 12 years, so he must be sick.

Mix it up. Sometimes it gets really hard.

Alright, I'm gonna go
in my office for a little bit.

Here?
- Uh-huh.

Do you actually, like, work there?

Yeah. Several times a week...

- Mm.
- ...My angel.

- Nice.
- Yeah, that's what I do.

I didn't know that you come here...

- Yeah. Mm-hm.
- ...And actually do it.

I thought it was just an office for show.

Well, I wasn't coming today,

but I came here today to see you.

- Well, thank you for checking on me.
Of course.

Cheers, Mother.

To us...

And Little Baby Barker.

Yep.

The last time I was pregnant
was nine years ago,

um, so I was 35.

And in this pregnancy,
the doctors are more cautious,

- but I feel exactly the same.
Wow.

I'm an ageless wonder.

- How are you feeling?
Saving my energy for our...

- Bandana looks great.
- Okay, good.

- Yeah, I love the choker.

- Yeah.
- Should we do this?

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

I'm not allowed to use my stomach muscles.

I feel really good, but I just have to
be super careful.

Like, I can't twist.

I have a whole list of things I can't do.

You can, you can just lean on one side.

We'll make it work. I love that.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

This is gorgeous, beautiful.

I love that we see all the, like,
details and different, like, elements.

It's cool in black and white.

I love this vibe.

Such good energy.

How was your show, baby?

It was good.

How is my baby's thumbs?

Oh, my gosh.

It hurts so much.

Crazy.

Travis has been on tour.

The third trimester, I just haven't been
able to travel.

Baby's staying in there.

The baby is... He is waiting for his daddy.

And we have conversations all the time.

I love you.

Like, you're good, you're happy,

you're growing in there.

You're healthy, safe.

Yay! I'm gonna change.

Yeah, this is great.

♪ Woo ♪

- ♪ Hello, hello, hello, hello ♪

I have a scar from my surgery

where they went into my amniotic sack.

So, I'm like a fragile, little egg.

♪ H to the hello ♪

So [bleep] good, you guys.

And I love the black and white.

Such a vibe.

So good. Thanks, you guys.

Kourt, how are you feeling?

I feel exhausted.

I think they have everything they need.

- I'm getting, like, tight...
Yeah.

- and, like, I feel like it's time.

He's done.

You were... You both were a rockstar.

About an hour and a half
and did two looks,

and then, ya know,
we talked about doing three,

and I just said, "Let me see how my
body's feeling."

And once I laid down,
I just felt like, "That's it.

I'm gonna listen to my body."

There's no reason to push this.

Obviously, my health and the baby's health
comes first.

- Hey, Mom.
Did you get enough?

Yes.
- We got such good looks.

'Cause I could sit in there
and be, like, a body double...

You could.
- ...And you'd never know.

I'll put a wig on... And a big pillow.

I could put that pillow right here.

And I, I am a professional
pregnant person...

With lots of experience.

Are you sad that
you'll never be pregnant again?

Don't make me cry.

Pregnancy was my most
beautiful experience,

- especially my first one.
Yeah.

- My little pepper.
Pepper?

Oh yeah, you turned out really spicy.
I wasn't counting on that.

I'm an Aries, I'm a spice.

Mm-hm.

Day three.

And I'm still in jury duty.

Tired already, but,
like, I gotta get outta this.

Tomorrow's my birthday.

Still haven't been excused,
and honestly, I have no idea

why they would wanna keep me

just knowing how public I've been
about my empathy towards

the defendant's situation.

Hey, can I vent for one sec?

It's been an extra troubling week...

To where I was like,

"I just can't do it anymore.

I just need to get away."

Anything in the home
is just a little chaotic right now.

Oh, my God, no, what I wanted to say was

that I had a Zoom interview at the house

with all my kids there,
banging on the door, just screaming.

And I was literally hiding
in a bathroom with the door locked.

I was just like, "I can't believe this."

I mean, I can believe it,
but that's, like, my biggest nightmare.

Sometimes it gets just,
like, a little intense.

I wanna be more strict like Khloé,

but I don't know why I have
a hard time just saying, "No is no."

I think I also don't wanna deal
with the whining and the tears

of not getting their way.

I'm open to anything at this point

'cause I can't live like this.

Like, I had had it
'cause I ran out of my patience.

And that's what, like, my superpower was,
calm and patient.

They know when to con me
and when to throw the little, ya know,

start with the tears so that I'm like,

"Stop, stop, sure. Take an ipad."

Ya know, "Just stop."

I just have to be like,

"I don't care if you're
gonna throw a tantrum

"in front of everyone right now.

The answer's no."

But I don't have that support

and that really sucks.

And I know I have to, like,
get it together.

You know, I'll always be there for my kids

and I will ride out anything with them.

But to say that it doesn't take
an emotional toll sometimes

would be lying.

Yeah, it's been so hard
for me this week, in that area.

Managing four kids in a household
when they're, like, not getting along

and they all want different things,
and I'm only one person.

This always shuts them up.

I always say, "Okay, guys,

"do you want me to just
cut myself in half or in fours

and a part will go with you,
a part will go with you."

And they, like, look at me like,
"No, don't ever do that!"

- And I'm like, "Okay,

"well, that's the only option.

If you all want me at the same
exact time, we've gotta chill."

Like, I'll put everyone
to bed at a different time.

We have to space this out.

I took her phone, and after a day,
I gave it to her.

I'm such a pushover,
but I took it for 24 hours.

But I gotta go. So, I gotta jump out.

But I'll call you.

♪ So hot, I could moonwalk it ♪

♪ Good times, good times, baby ♪

♪ Good life, it's a good life, baby ♪

♪ Stay up, no, we ain't sleepin' ♪

Whoa, that's a serious outfit.
- Whoa!

Oh, my God.
- Hello.

Where are ya headin'?

That's what I said;
we're in two different climates.

- I know.
- This is like two different atmospheres.

Mm-hm.
- Hi.

Mom is in the movie
Terminator right now.

- Is this Kylie's new line?
It's so nice.

Khloé and I are going
to visit Scott today

to meet Penelope's new dog.

And I can't wait to meet...

Her or him, not sure.

- Oh, my gosh, P.

Come here with that.

- Aww!
- She nibbles, though.

- Oh, do you nibble?
Well, she's, li...

- She's teething a little...
- Hi.

- ...But she's very nice little dog.
- Hi.

She's so cute.

She's so cute.

Oh, forget it.
- Oh, you're taking my puppy?

Mom, you don't even like animals.

You're so mean to me.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Dude, that thing is ridiculous.

Hi, mama.

Oh, sh...

You just dropped the thing?

I thought it was bigger than it was.

- Mom, you're really skinny.
Yeah.

- Oh, thank you.
- And, Scott, you look good.

I still haven't found
a girlfriend.

- You still haven't?
Have you found a boyfriend?

- No.
Or gone on a date?

- How do we do this?
- I don't want to.

Once I'm done with the kids at nine,

I have limited time.
I have to be up at 4:30.



I'm not sharing it with a man.

I'm not sharing my TV.
I'm not sharing my bed.

Is there any, like, hope for Tristan

- or is that just, like...
- No, no.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
This is life.

Like, we all gotta grow up and move on.

Think that door's closed?

Scott.

- Ugh.

- Like, the door's closed.
Got it.

That's great that you're,
like, super friendly.

- Yeah, I'm not... What am I...
No, I'm...

What am I gonna be a monster for?

I feel like everyone
has been really judgy about

how I spend my time
because I'm not dating.

'Cause I stopped dating Tristan
when Tatum was in utero.

So, I don't know, two and a half years
or something of not dating

is not that crazy

- Good for the kids...
- It's good for the kids...

- ...But it is probably hard for both...
- ...But what about me?

...Of you to date then.

Why would it be hard for me to date?

I do love that it's good for the kids,

but now that he's in Cleveland,

this is really, really healthy for us.

'Cause when Tristan was next door,

he still was always over.

He's like,
"I wanna put the kids to sleep."

Like, he loved the routine,

and I was almost like, "[bleep]."

If my ex or my kids' mom lived

- two houses down...
If he wanted to t*rture himself,

- that's on him.
- Right, yeah, that would be, like...

You wanna see all these men
pullin' up to my house?

- That's your problem.
- Wait, what... Are...

I thought you don't wanna do that.

Not right now, that's what I'm saying.

What? But you're gonna?

Eventually in life.

- Wait, so...
You think I'm just gonna be

- celibate for the rest of my life?
I don't... Well...

- I feel like we both are.
- Forever?

I don't know. I mean, it's...

With all these kids running around...

I'm thinking for the next, like...

- ...It's not, like, so sexy.
I'm exhausted.

I don't want anything.

I actually just want to lay in bed,

watch my shows, decompress,

get up, do my worko...

Like, I don't want anyone
stopping my routine.

Right. You're comfortable.

I'm in my, I'm in my rhythm.

Let's just say, I'm dating.

I have no idea how you're supposed
to date when you have kids

because I'm not bringing you
to my home where my kids are.

And I'm not goin' to your home
where you're gonna chop me up

in your basement and k*ll me.

And I'm also not going
to a public restaurant or space

where people could take pictures

and you're gonna be another
notch on my belt

in the public's eyes.
I don't [bleep] think so.

But it would be nice
to grow old with somebody.

♪ The best is yet to come ♪

Welcome.
Thank you.

Kendall, remember when we asked
Gerry about the hearing A*DS?

Yes.

You're... That's what you're doing today?

Uh, well, I'm checking my hearing

'cause my ears are ringing.

- Swear? I didn't know that about you.
- Yeah. Kendall.

I didn't know your ears were ringing.

They're ringing, I can't hear.

Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear that.

- What?
Come on, Mom.

I'm here at the ear doctor
and I'm a little bit nervous.

I think after talking to Gerry,

I feel a little more relieved
and calm about the process.

But Kim's birthday's
coming up and I'm wondering,

"Do I have to wear a hearing aid

"for the first time to Kim's party?

What's that gonna look like?"

Oh, my gosh, Scott.

- Hello, hello.
- Oh! It's a big party today.

- It's a small room for her.
- Huh?

- How are ya?
- Mwah.

- I'm, um, I'm good.
Hello.

Hello.
- Hi, Kris.

- How are you doin'?
How are you?

- Hey, how are you?
You know Kenny.

- Nice new office.
What's goin' on?.

Tell me. How is the hearing?

Are we makin' progress?

Not really. Can't really hear.

And also, I don't know if anybody else

has complained about this or...

- I know you're ear, nose, and throat.
Throat.

So, I was just wanting you
to take a look at my

- throat.
Okay. Okay.

I think my mom's definitely
a bit of a hypochondriac,

but I also think
she's just really dramatic.

No, I'm not a hypochondriac.

My mom can definitely be a hypochondriac.

My mom is definitely a hypochondriac.

What do they know? They don't
even pronounce it right.

Hypochondriac, there's no "t".

And Kendall is too.

Her, Kendall, and Kylie.

I will fully own
that I am a hypochondriac.

Kendall definitely is.
I'm, like, a close second.

Last night I actually felt
like I needed an inhaler.

- Right.
Maybe it was RSV.

And I'm just... I just cough all day,
for 30 days.

I haven't heard you cough once.

I just think I should get
swabbed or something.

Anytime somebody has some sort of ailment,

it definitely sleeps on to her.

- Say, "Eh."
- Eh.

Good.

Let's do another hearing test
and let's see where we were

- compared to before.
- Okay.

When I was a kid,
I went to my orthodontist.

I'm like, "Just give me braces.
I really want 'em."

I feel like that's my mom
with a hearing aid.

She just randomly really wants it.

Her back, her knee,
she had a hip replacement.

She loves to play up

only when it's time for her to do
something she doesn't wanna do.

Get the word right and then we'll talk.

You were nowhere
close to anything that needs

any kind of aiding.

- You're perfect.
- Oh, that's good.

This is where we kinda
ruin your life a little bit.

- You ready?
- Okay.

So... If it tastes good, spit it out.

- So, carbonation.
- Oh.

- I don't drink anything carbonated.
- Caffeine.

- No caffeine?
- Onion, garlic.

- No onion?
- Mint.

What?
Wine?

No alcohol,
which you really don't drink.

And then cheese.

All those things stimulate the inner ear

to hear more tinnitus.

- Ah.
- Let's see how you do on your ear diet.

I'm really happy
I don't need a hearing aid.

I was kind of looking forward
to tuning out the kids,

but that would've been fun for a while.

You got the headphones for that.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

- You'll be chillin'.
- Yeah.

Not to toot my own horn, but I was right.

She does not need a hearing aid.

I mean, she picks and chooses
when these ailments come alive.

'Cause other than that, she is skipping

and drinkin' and livin' life.

I'll just point that out.

- No hearing aid today. I'm very happy.
Never.

- Not for at least 15 to 20 years.
Okay.

Thank you, Doctor.

Come on in!

- Oh, I'm here.

Oh, your foot, mama. Your knee.

Andrew taught Tatum
how to say "guncle" today.

'Cause he keeps calling me "Dad"...

- because I guess I look

like a basketball player,
but I was like, "No, guncle."

And he literally just goes,
"Guncle." He's only one.

He literally said guncle.
I'm so proud of him.

Tonight is Kim's birthday party,

this beautiful dinner that I'm throwing

and it's all Kimberly's
aesthetic and vibe.

Kim better not be 12 hours late today.

Last year, she was
definitely over an hour... Late.

- That was just at her office, I thought.
- My point exactly.

- Hi! So, I was calling...
[over phone] Hi.

First of all, you look gorgeous.

Oh, thanks. I have to touch up.
I got ready at 11.

- Oh, you look gorg.
- Now, are we going together?

Sure, I was going with Mom.

- Can you guys pick me up?
- Yeah, I'll talk to Mom.

So, what time realistically
are you thinking of going?

'Cause that's what I was calling to see

since last year you were
definitely not on time.

And you know how Kris is.

I was gonna leave in, like,
an hour, 7:15 latest.

Okay, I can work with that.

This is what annoyed me with Khloé.

I love a punctual person,

but it's just, like, a little ridiculous.

Why do you need to be rigid

about a schedule on my birthday?

I am a rigid [bleep].

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, Kim was asking
if we could pick her up.

- Okay, but we'll never get there.

- I know.
- Like, we might get there on Tuesday.

She said the latest she would...
was getting in the car was 7:15,

you believe her?

No, but it's her party,
so I guess we could...

I have to be on time.
I'm the one throwing it.

Oh, okay.

So, are we picking her up or not?

Just... I need to prepare
myself mentally, emotionally,

physically, and spiritually.

You're picking her up.

Probably only did that
'cause I was on camera.

- You're such a cutie.
You're so cute.

[whistles] Yes!

Wow, he's a good driver.

- Oops.
Oop. You okay?

Bye-bye.

- You look beautiful.
- You look beautiful.

True was like,
"Who's gonna put me to sleep?"

I'm like, "True,
Roya's gonna put you to sleep."

She's like, "Who's gonna say my prayers?"

I'm like, "Roya."

Well, maybe if you show me
the routine and I memorize it

- and practice and then audition...
- Mom, my nanny has been here

over a year.

This is her first time
putting her to sleep

- 'cause I'm such a lunatic.
- Yeah, you are.

Ya know.

'Kay.

Oh, my God, everyone in my family

shames my schedule, everyone.

But I just don't care.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, just a little red dress.
- Dress.

- Oh yeah.
- What is happening?

- Talk about a birthday suit!
- Oh yeah.

You better [bleep] it up.

Wanna open your birthday pres?

Hell yeah, I wanna open it.

"Keeks."

Don't you hate when you leave
the house and

forget to say goodbye to your kids?

I just forgot.

I've left a...
- I've never done that.

...Christmas tree lot and forgot to bring
them with me.

What? That's wild.

Went to go buy a Christmas tree.

I think Kendall and Kylie were,
like, four and five

and they were running up and down

and I thought their dad
was watching the kids

and he thought I was watching
the kids because we met there.

I thought he was taking the kids back

and he thought I was taking the kids back.

So, we both left in our own cars

and the kids never made it home.

So, yeah, they were okay.

They were playing
on the Christmas tree lot

waiting for us to realize
that we left them there.

Wait, I have to call Kourtney.
I told her to watch this show.

- The naked show?
Yeah.

[over phone] Hi.
- Are you watching?

Yeah, we paused it.
We got through the first round.

-It's so crazy.
What are you guys watching?

- Mom, it's...
- It's called Naked Attraction.

- Oh.
It's a dating show...

But they're butt naked.

They're judging people,
vag*na, p*nis, naked.

Like, way too naked for me.

And they judge you on your, like...

Aesthetics.
- ...Actual disgusting wieners.

- Or vaginas!
Or people that don't

shave their vaginas.

Like, I didn't know vaginas
could look like that.

Well, enjoy, guys.

Alright,
have so much fun tonight.

Thank you.

And happy almost birthday.

Thank you.

Okay, call me tomorrow.

Okay, bye. I love you.

Okay, bye. I love you.

Guys go from one subject to the next

with such dramatic transition.

Guys, we're really early now.

We're not really early, Kim.
We're eight minutes early.

I'm going this way? Okay. Thank you, guys.

Look at the 818. The bar is beautiful.

- What is this?
- It's an espresso martini.

Oh, hell yeah.

I'm actually working right now.

I just shot a campaign.

My Bottega campaigns are all
paparazzi photos.

So I just literally shot a
campaign and walked in.

- What an amazing life you live.
- She's like, "I'm not kidding."

Yeah.

Thank you.

It makes me feel so good

that everyone wanted to come out

and celebrate and have dinner with us.

Welcome to 43.

You look gorgeous. Look at this dress.

So, tonight, I just wanna
celebrate with my girls

and I think all of us
just need that sometimes.

I'm gonna get my little drinkie-poo.

This week in particular
has been complete chaos.

- But, honestly, I wouldn't be here

if it wasn't for my friends.

Like, I have the best friends
and they're super supportive.

I think that's probably why
I've never seen a therapist

is because I have the best friends
in the entire world

and they mean everything to me.

Guys, wait... My camera does
not know who all the lifers are.

- Allison.
Simone.

- Lindsay.
- Kim.

- Sarah.
- Zoe.

- Ashley.
- These are officially the lifers

that I talk about all the time.

I always say I hit the jackpot
in the friends' department.

I'm so happy you came.

Spending my 43rd birthday
with all the girls

that inspire me and motivate me

is just really special.

There's different
versions of masks of you.

- How cute! How funny.

[muffled] Kimberly!

Oh.

Okay, everybody, woo-hoo!

I just wanna thank everybody
for coming tonight

to celebrate Kim,
her 43rd year on this planet.

- And, um, I fell in love with you...
- Oh, come on.

- Don't cry.
- ...The moment we met...

And I have been obsessed
with you ever since.

- And you too.
- Thank you.

And I just wanna say that
it's such a special night

when you can look at all of
these beautiful faces

and see all of your
old friends, new friends,

- means so much...
- Can I chime in for one sec?

I'm not done yet.
It means s-so much to Kim

- that you guys are here

and I love you all
and thank you for coming.

- What would you like to say?
- I just wanted to say...

Kimberly, stand up and show off that body!

- Oh, okay, okay, okay.

So, all of you here,
whether you're my lifers

- that I've known my whole life or...
Or my dayers.

My... [chuckles] Yes.

- You're all my ride or dies.
Oh, sorry.

- I trust all of you.
I'll be quiet.

At least everyone here has known one crazy
secret about me

- and it's never gotten out, so...
- And vice versa and vice versa.

...This is the group
And here's to another year

- of keeping my secrets.

- Where the [bleep] is Kylie?
Take Kylie's seat,

she'll never show up.

In Kylie fashion,
she'll be here in three hours.

Oh, she's arrived. Oh, she's arrived.

I had a photoshoot. I'm not
just late, because I'm late.

Hi, baby.
- Happy birthday.

I wasn't late tonight for no reason.

I had my Interview Magazine cover sh**t,

and I'm exhausted... But I'm here.

So, now the party can start.

- Oh, you look beautiful.
- Should we get a sister pic now?

- Khloé! Khlo!

- You wanna be a sister?
Yeah.

Kylie comes an hour late, but listen,

she's the fireworks
at the end of the night.

You always look forward to her.

You have to accept people
for who they are.

And I wish people
would accept me for who I was.

And that's a punctual... Rigid person.

You look so pretty.

- You look beautiful.

No, that's you.

What is my wish for me this year?

- Sister photo.

Mm, I think I have all...

I think I have everything
I could possibly want and need.

Think I've gotten there,
and that I have a feeling, like,

I know what's really important in life.

I know that being present
in the moment is everything.

Yeah!

And there's no place
I'd rather be tonight.

Next on, The Kardashians.

It's glitzy and glam.

Oh, my God, it looks so good.

I wanna have another baby.

With who?

Oh, a sperm bank. Oh yeah.

I'll try anything once.

Something gonna splash on us?

- Nope.
- Okay.

Having four is hard,
and you have a lot going on.

I'm gonna get my sh*t together

and I am gonna be a
drill sergeant.

Like, Khloé is so tough.

Have you talked to her about this?

No, because she's just very judgmental.

Do you think Gerry's flirting
with your mom?

Yes. He, like, was commenting her smile

and her eyes and her energy.

I'm like, "I think we should leave."
Like, I don't know.

Hey, Gerry, I've got a boyfriend, 'kay?

Oh, Lord.