11x01 - Tournament of Losers

[bunniefuu]

[ laughter ]

[ screaming ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

[ laughter ]

[ cymbals crash ]

[ clattering ]

[ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Today we're working as managers

At our favorite chicken spot,
raising cane's.

The goal is to throw
somebody out of the restaurant.

The catch is, you don't know who
it is and you don't know why.

If the customers stop you
from throwing this person out,

You lose, and wait till you see

Who we got ready
for you to throw out.

You are gonna die!

Let's go!

- Alright, buddy, you ready?
- Yes.

Sal: So somebody in there right
now we are about to identify,

You're going to have to
throw them out.

You don't get them out
of the store, you lose.

You see james and phoebe
over there?

Alright, just give it a second,

And then you'll know
when to stop them.

James and phoebe,

You guys went on your first date
here at raising cane's.

I see where this is going.

I can't think
of a more romantic place

To propose, james,
than right now, right here.

Excuse me, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen,
real quick.

It's only gonna take a second,

But, um,
I had my first date here

With this wonderful,
amazing woman.

I mean, I think...
Woman: Alright!

You know where this is going.

[ cheers and applause ]

That's it.
Q, you can't have it.

Throw 'em out.

Oh, god, guys.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.
No!

No, no, no.

Take it the cluck out of here.

We don't do that here.
We don't do that here.

You got to go outside.
No! No!

No, no, no.
Take it outside.

Oh, my god, you can't do this.

Oh, my god.

No clucking way,
no clucking way.

- We don't...
- [ shouting indistinctly ]

You ain't getting no [bleep]

You don't get no [bleep]

I get plenty of...
I get plenty of clucking [bleep]

No. No proposals.

Get the cluck away.
Get the cluck away.

Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.

Out.
We don't do that here.

We don't do that here.
We don't do that here. No.

- Oh, my god.
- Take the ring away.

- Take the ring, q.
- Take the ring.

It's your grandmother's ring.

Give me the ring.
I got it.

You guys can have it outside.

Go, go.
Do it outside.

Get out of... ew!

Ew! Get out!

Get out!
Get out!

Excuse me.
Get out.

Out you go.
Out you go.

Out. Do it outside.
Do it outside.

Good job, buddy.
You got them out of the store.

- Manager here?
- I'm the manager, yeah, yeah.

You're welcome, because that was
a disgusting display.

[ laughs ]

Oh, god.
Cluck my life.

[ ding! ]
good job, q.

This is the one
I'm most excited about, buddy.

So we brought in, uh,
our producer

Alyssa lane carlee's son.

Q: And cue brenton.

Have you seen my mother?

Excuse me.
Have you seen my mother?

Is that alyssa's son brenton?

- Oh, yes, it is.
- Yeah, yeah.

And he's lost.

Sure he is.

You son of a b*tch, man.

What's happening is
he's asking every table

If they've seen his mom.

[ laughter ]

He can't find his mom.

I can't find my mom.
And I don't know what to do.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!
Here we go.

She's bringing him
to the front of the store.

Q: The trap has been set.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Oh, you lost your mom?

You guys suck, man.
You guys...

Hey, guys.
Uh, we got a missing child.

He's looking for his mom.
Anybody help us?

Murr: Sal, no!

Oh, god.
[bleep] you guys so much.

Go, sal. Go!

We're trying to find his mom.

What? What?

His mom, his mom.

No, not in here.
Not in here.

No, no, no, his mom's missing.

No, but he cannot do that
in here.

He can't bother people eating.

Q: Throw him out
of the store, sal.

You can't bother people eating.

I got to take you out, okay?
Come on.

I don't know where your mom is,
but she might be out in...

She might be in brooklyn.
What's that?

But he's bothering people
that are dining right now.

But he's bothering the diners.

But he... you have to...
he has to go out.

She can look around.

She's probably in brooklyn
somewhere.

Woman: He's looking for
his mother, though.

He's looking for his mother.

But he's bothering...
[ both shouting ]

Y'all are gonna help him
look for his mother.

Yes, I will.
He came here
looking for adults.

I am. I'm gonna help him.
That's what I'm doing, yes.

Okay, so y'all
gonna help him.
Yes.

- Get him out or you lose.
- That's what I'm saying.

Okay, but, no,
he's not leaving until...

But she's not here.
So you're gonna
send a child outside?

How old are you?
How old are you?
Brenton: 7.

He's 7. You can go out there
and look for your mom, please.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

He's 7 years old.
When I was...

When I was 7, I walked around
every neighborhood.

Where's your...

But where is his sense
of independence?
Q: Get him out, sal.

Get him out or you lose.

Go that way, please.

Q: Oh, my god!

[ laughs ]

Get out.
Yes, please get out.

Oh, my god,
I gotta get out of here.

[ both laughing ]

The nuisance is gone.
Enjoy, please.

I'm sorry for the disruption.

[ q and murr laughing ]

- But he won!
- Oh, he won.

- He won.
- But at what cost?

I didn't win anything.

Murr: You won
and lost everything else.

Sal: Alright, buddy, somebody
in that room right now

Is about to be thrown out.

- I see chá. Yeah.
- Alright.

Q: Hey, chá, could you show off
your condition a little bit?

Oh, chá's...
oh, look at her.

Oh, she's pregnant.

So, now, murr,
chá's gonna go into labor.

You cannot stand the idea

Of having that kid
inside the store,

And you're going to
throw her out.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

You're going to throw out
the pregnant woman, buddy.

Have that kid somewhere else.

Wow.

Chá, start giving birth, babe.

[ groans softly ]

Aah! Ohh!

Dan cast, you notice.

- Are you, um...
- ah.

Miss, are you...
are you okay?

- You have a... oh.
- [ groans ]

- Oh [bleep]
- you're... you're pregnant.

She's pregnant.

Is there someone who works here
who can get her a cab

Or something?
Oh!

Q: Murr,
"no! Out of the store!"

Oh, my god.

Dan: She's pregnant.

Is there someone who works here
who can get her a cab

Or something?
Oh!

Q: Murr,
"no! Out of the store!"

- Come on. Do it.
- Oh!

Oh, my god.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no,
not in the store.

Unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh.
No, no, no, no.

No, out of the store.

You cannot have this
in our store.

Please get out.

What's that? No, no, no, no.
Take it outside, ma'am.

Maybe a cab?
Take this outside.
This is not...

No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Dear god,
I'm having this baby here now.

- No, you are not.
- The guy's filming him.

Sal: The guy's filming him.

- I'm having this baby here.
- You are not having this baby.

Ma'am, please step outside.
Oh, I feel like
I got to [bleep]

Q:
Murr, be more of a d*ck.

Ma'am, leave the store now.

- Murr, shuffle her out.
- Let's go, let's go.

You can walk.
There's a bus stop right there.

This is raising cain,
not raising your baby, okay?

I'm gonna have this baby.

[ both laughing ]

I'm just gonna...
no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

- Drag her feet.
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, come on.
No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is...
this baby's not coming.

What? What? What?

The baby's not...
[ speaking indistinctly ]

Bro, go somewhere.
I'm just saying.

Bro, if you don't
get the [bleep] out...
a-alright.

Q: Come on,
come on, come on.

Oh! Well, we knew
he wasn't gonna get her out.

He does not get her out.
Nice!

The whole place is rushing him.

This guy's gonna k*ll him.

This guy's gonna
actually k*ll him.

I've made a full 180.

I'll be the one
delivering the baby.

[ buzzer ]
bro, you better run
out of there, buddy.

Narrator:
Murr couldn't deliver a win,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today we're at bay plaza mall

Playing one of our favorite
games, "off the hook."

And here to help us
is our good friend,

Comedian and actor adam ray.

While your teammate is
on the first floor of the mall

Distracting a shopper,
you'll be on the second floor

With this big, ridiculous hook

Trying to lower it
and snag a shopper's bag.

If you can't reel in
a stranger's belongings...

Both: You lose.

I thought you were gonna
say it with me.

[ laughter ]

Guys, we're back.

We ride again.

This is the third time
we're playing this stupid game.

Murr:
Q, I'll tell you right now,

You and I are expert teammates
at this game.

Yeah.
We can't be beat.

Sure.
Famous last words.

[ laughs ]

No, you know what my dream is?

To, like, be able to
roller-skate around the mall

Or, like, the department store
when they close overnight

Like that movie.

Career opportunities.
Yes.

I'm sorry. Are you talking about
the jennifer connelly

When she rides the 25-cent toy?

Yes.
But this feels like that.

They're letting us
do what we want.

I don't want to keep bringing it
back to jennifer connelly.

They used to have toll booths
at the brooklyn-battery tunnel.

Adam: Yep.
And I used to work
in the toll booth overnight.

I remember this.
She lived in the area.

She would drive through.

And every time, I would like
fall in love with her.

And then one time
bettany came through with her,

And I never... and that's when
I realized she was married.

I've never forgiven
paul bettany.

"I've never forgiven
paul bettany"

Is gonna be the name
of your memoir.

[ laughter ]

- I'm moving in position, q.
- Here we go.

Hey, could you help me out,
take a picture of me?

I'm trying to... I'm trying
to get it look like...

Like I'm holding the planter
in the background.

Come on, buddy, come on.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

Maybe if you put the bag down,
it would... it would help.

Yeah, that'll do it.
That'll do it.
Oh, yeah. Good job, q.

Okay.
Yeah, there you go.

Oh [bleep] he's got it
between his legs.
Okay, alright, alright.

If you get the hook
between his legs,

Murr, I will buy you a car.

Alright, just take a...
yeah, a little...

There we go. Alright.
So does it...

You just tell me when
it looks like my hand

Is underneath the thing.
Your hook speed
is impressive.

Does it look like
the planter's on...

[bleep]

[ both laughing ]

[ stammers ]
what the heck?

I got it, I got it.

I gotta get his foot off, q.

- What are you doing, man?
- Get his foot off.

- What is going on?
- Here, I'll get that for you.

I got it.
I got the hook.

Get his foot off.
Son of a b*tch!

[ laughs ]

What are you doing, man?

He put his foot on it.
I had it. I hooked it.

You're dropping that hook
so fast,

I'm worried it's going to,
like, conk someone.

Adam: Hey, q, you know
who that guy was?

Paul bettany's dad.

- [ laughs ]
- I like paul bettany.

I don't want to make it seem
like I have beef with bettany.

But if I had the opportunity to
whisk his wife way, I would.

I'd break up his family.

[ laughter ]

Excuse me, sir,
could you take a picture for me?

I just need a picture of me in
the mall from the right angle.

Yeah, just
if you stand right here.

Sal: He's in. He's in.

X marks the spot right there.

- Okay, great.
- Oh, my god.

Murr, get your act together.

And then just give me, like,
a one, two, three,

And then I'll do the thing.

How'd it come out?
Let me see real quick.

Did it come out?
[ laughter ]

Oh, my god, this is insane.

Okay, yeah, so it's got
the finger in it.

Maybe just one more.
One more time.

[ laughter ]

I don't understand.

[ stammers ]

[ adam and sal laugh ]

He knocked it down again.

Don't know what more
I can do here.

It's just, like, insane.

[ laughter ]

He's slapping his bag.
He's not even turning around.

- Let me see, let me see.
- This guy is your godsend.

Alright, here we go.
Sorry, sorry.

Q, I think you found
your new assistant.

Why does this guy not care?

Q: Alright,
just give me a one.

- Oh, what?
- I don't understand.

I mean,
you got to be kidding me.

Okay. Oh, oh, oh, right, right.
That's... that's...

Murr: [bleep]

- Ready? One.
- I [bleep] got it.

- Two!
- [bleep]

Got it?

The whole thing came off, q.
[bleep]

[ laughs ]

That's perfect.
That's perfect.

- [bleep]
- alright. Thank you.

The thing came off.

Sal: Pull it up with your hand!

Pull it up with your hand,
you idiot!

Q:
What are you doing?

[ laughter ]

The whole thing...

No, no, that's mine.
No!

Sal: Yes, yes.

That's not on me.
That's not on me.

Dude.

The whole thing came apart.

Dude.
Next time I get adam ray.

Next time I get
jennifer connelly.

[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]

Q: Adam ray's got what
I call movie star hair.

He does have...
he has movie star looks.

Movie star looks,
movie star hair.

Sal: Look up.
I got a problem here.

I'm not gonna be able to get
anyone straight down.

Adam: Great. Great.
I can't.

I'm too...
I don't like the heights.

Yeah, I got you.

You chose the wrong
partner, ray.

My man, want to do me a solid,

Take a picture for me
real quick?

Just real quick.

Here. You stand here.
I'm gonna stand here and just...

I just want the mall
in the background.

- Yeah.
- I'm scared.

Here. Come up.
Stand right... yeah.

I want this all
in the background.

Murr: Oh, this is a godsend.
Go, sal. Go!

I can't see a bag.
There's a bag?

Just go straight down with it.

Murr: Go, sal! Go!

Yeah. Here.
Come... come here a step.

- Oh!
- A little bit closer.

- Yeah.
- Oh, oh.

Murr: Oh, this is a godsend.
Go, sal. Go!

I can't see a bag.
There's a bag?

Just go straight down with it.

Murr: Go, sal! Go!

Yeah. Here.
Come... come here a step.

- Oh!
- A little bit closer.

- Yeah, you can come... yeah.
- Oh, oh.

Pull back a little.

- Yeah. There we go.
- I c...

- I can't get out.
- Go lower.

- Oh!
- Oh! Oh!

I'm trying, bro.
I'm trying.

Q: You gotta get
some momentum.

A little lower, sal.
A little lower, sal.

Sal, a little lower.

Sal, a little lower,
you got it, sal.

Sweet christ, I can't do it.
I'm scared.

A little lower, sir.
Sir, can you go a little lower?

- It's on the bag.
- A little lower.

Q: Who does the guy think
you're talking to?

Sorry. Do you mind
even just getting on
the ground a little bit?

Q: Ohh!
Murr: I mean, adam is doing
everything he can.

This is not a failure
of adam ray.

No, no.
This is a vulcano failure.

I can't do it.
I can't do it.

Okay, one.
Tell me when you're going.

Q: I can hear connelly changing
the channel as we speak.

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicks ]

But look at this idiot.

Sal, what is the matter
with you?

Sal, come on, man.
It's right there, baby.

Move the... I can't reach, adam.
Move the bag back.

For [bleep] sake, sal.

[ both laughing ]

You gotta move it back.
You gotta move it back.

Murr:
This is the worst.

Q: Most pathetic thing
I've ever seen in my life.
Oh, my god.

I can't see.

Adam: What is that?

[ both laughing ]

Q: He's still trying
to get it.

We're trying to steal your bag.

Sal dropped the ball.
[bleep] sal, right?

[ laughter ]

Yeah.

Q: We should give you
guys the flat-out loss.

But because adam's a guest
and we love him,

Why don't we let you guys swap?

Adam, do me a favor.

Can you do a quick impression
of sal up there?

[ laughs ]

You look like you're
sussing your pants.

One thing is clear.

All of us in this situation

Are not landing
jennifer connelly.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Here we go.

- Jackpot.
- Excuse me.

Can you help me take
a photo of myself?

Be aggressive.
Be aggressive.

It might take a steady hand.

I don't know if you want to
put down the bag or whatever

'cause it's shaky.

Murr: Oh! You're in, adam.
You're in.

Sal:
Okay, so you tell me.

This way?

Oh, up, up.

Get it, get it.
Oh.

- Like this? Down?
- Oh!

Q: Look, tell me he's gonna
get it on the first try.
Murr: Oh, my god.

Oh, he got it!
Oh, he did it!

I can't believe he got it!
He got it on the first one!

I can't believe he got it!

He got it on the first time.

Oh, my god.

Yeah!
Thank you.

Adam ray for the win!

Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

Guys, she don't even know
her bag is gone.

I'm gonna cry, legit.

This was our true calling.

You should have been
hooking the whole time.

I know, dude,
that's what my mom told me.

[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Q: Nice work, buddy.

Narrator: Q and murr
couldn't snag the bag,

Making murr tonight's big loser.

Alright.
So, murr lost.

And you might be wondering

Why we're here in the back
of this van

With a slightly altered
james murray.

Q: We put you in
this ridiculous disguise, right?
Yeah, yeah.

We are outside
sucker punch sports bar.

And today is
the first day of March madness.

A lot of drinks, a lot
of sports going on in there.

There are a ton of people
in there that are there

Solely to watch this ncaa
championship tournament.

And all you have to do for
your punishment is go in there

And, when we tell you,
shut off the tvs.

Oh, no! No!

I'm gonna get my a*s kicked.

Yeah, you are. That's why
we gave you the fake beard.

[ laughter ]

Come on, get out of there.
Come on, get in there.

Make it happen.
Make it happen.
Oh, no.

Oh, my god.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ indistinct shouting ]
[bleep]

I get upset if someone
in my own home

Changes the channel
I'm watching,

Never mind to come here for this
type of game at this caliber.

They took a subway here.

- Yo, hard jimmy.
- Yes?

- How's it feel out there?
- It's packed.

And there's...
it's... it's 80% dudes.

Alright, murr, do it nice...

Just shut off that one tv there.

Just a test to see
how people react.

Oh, no.

[ indistinct shouting ]
oh!

Dude, this guy is not happy.

This guy is so pissed off.

He sure is.
He's trying to... look at him.

He's trying to investigate
what's going on.

Oh, no.

What's going to happen
when I'm the one

That gets the blame for this?

Oh, I can't wait to find out.
I'll tell you that.

Murr, we want you to shut
the two televisions off

To your left.

Oh, my god.

Alright, go ahead.

[ indistinct shouting ]

Oh!

Oh, come on.

Oh, people are pissed.

They're calling over a bartender
right now to complain.

You see this?

They just... they just
complained to the bartender.

Turn it right back on.

Man: Yay!

Turn it back off.

Boo!

[ sal and q laugh ]

Oh, she is on to you.

What is this score of this game?

Murr: The game is very close,


Alright, murr, the three
on the wall across from you,

Shut them off.

Ooooh!

[ crowd groans ]

Oh, no.
Do you hear this?

Yeah, people are starting
to get annoyed now.

The big guy, muscle guy
with his girl just noticed

And started talking around
and pointing at the tvs.

Well, it looks like
you could take him.

[ laughs ]

I can take...
take him to "hamilton."

[ both laugh ]

Alright, buddy.
Pretty easy so far.

We've just been warming up
on the little tvs.

Are you ready for the big tv?

[ chuckles nervously ]

Oh, no.
This place is gonna erupt.

Yeah, that's the idea.
Yes.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Murr, we want you
to change to the travel channel.

And what is going to be
on tonight

Is "jack osbourne's night
of terror," the bigfoot episode.

[ laughs ]

That is what you're gonna keep
changing the channel to.

Shut it off. Shut it off.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

It's picking up.
[ crowd shouting ]

Q: Shut it off. Shut it off.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

It's picking up.
And...

[ crowd shouting ]

- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- [bleep]

Now they know it's a remote

'cause they saw
the numbers come up.

[ sal and q laugh ]

Is this jack osbourne,
the bigfoot episode?

I love this guy.

He's great.

[ sal and q laughing ]

Murr, murr, when it
changes back, go, "come on!

What is this, the game?"

Come on!

I wanted to watch it.

He's got this, right?

You're the only one happy
to see bigfoot episode.

I just love...
I just love jack osbourne.

Alright, murr,
there's 5:03 left.

The game is a 2-point game.

In mid shot,
I want you to turn it off.

Oh, no.

Here we go, murr.

[ crowd groans ]

[bleep]

[ sal and q laughing ]

I'm sorry.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Uh-oh!

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

Have you seen the episode?
Is that why?

[ sal and q laugh ]

He just...
he just got angry.

Murr, that guy
is sh**ting you rocks, bro.

He's burning eyes
in the back of your head.

Switch back real quick.

[ crowd groans ]

Yes.
It's jack osbourne.

[ sal and q laughing ]

He's pointing at you.

This is the bigfoot episode.

This is the bigfoot episode.

Murr, how much time is left?



Okay, you're gonna
do it one more time

And then go right back, and
we're gonna do it at the buzzer.

[ laughing nervously ]
come on, buddy.

Jack osbourne's
ending soon, buddy.

Hold your hand up
a little higher this time

When you turn that.

Sal and q: Go, go, go!

[ indistinct shouting ]
oh, yeah.

It's "jack osbourne's
night of terror,"

The bigfoot episode.

[ sal and q laugh ]

- Oh [bleep]
- murr.

What's that?

Yeah. It's "jack osbourne's
night of terror."

No, but I think he's gonna
discover bigfoot

In this episode.

[ sal and q laughing ]

Murr, step up to the bar
and be like,

"guys, I'm sorry,
but I want to watch

'jack osbourne's night of
terror, '" and just shut it.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ crowd groans ]
I'm sorry.

I want to watch "jack osbourne's
night of terror."

It's the bigfoot episode.
You understand?

I am seeing dirtier looks
than sal gives you.

[ laughs ]

It's okay.
No problem.

Man to man,
I will not touch the remote.

It's the last three seconds
of the game. I promise.

Do it, murr, do it, murr,
do it, murr, do it, murr!

Do it now!
Yes!

I just...
no, it's jack osbourne.

What did I just tell you?

It's "jack osbourne's
night of terror."

Yes.
You got the [bleep] remote.

What did I just [bleep]
tell you, dude?

It's the bigfoot episode.
You... okay.

But it's the bigfoot episode.

[ sal and q laughing ]

It's the bigfoot episode.

Q: Come back to the van, buddy.
Come back to the van.

- What just happened?
- Holy [bleep]

I just got choke-holded,
you assholes!

I just got choke-holded
and thrown out of the bar.

Is that good tv?

Well, now, what happened
at the end

Of that "jack osbourne" episode?

Did they find it?

Guys, breaking news.

Bigfoot's not real.

[ laughter ]

Alright, murr.

That's our friend.
You son of a b*tch!

That's john silver.
Dark order, baby.

You sons of b*tches.

That's our buddy john silver
from aew.

Let's get john out here.

He could have
choke-holded me less.

Can we get john to the van?

He was the one
that got you in the face.

You son of a b*tch.

Are you kidding me?

I did feel a little bad.
I'm not gonna lie.

Oh, dude, thank you
so much, baby.

You're the best.
You're the best.

I hate to interrupt
this moment, but...

[ soft growling sound ]

What the [bleep] is that?