10x19 - Roy Wood Jr.

[bunniefuu]

[ laughter ]

[ screams ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Who's a good guy?

[ cymbals crash ]

Narrator: With special guest
roy wood jr.

Ma'am, is the problem that the
gentleman behind you is squirting?

Today, we're playing producers

For a new new york
city-based crime show,

You know, like "law and order."

We're trying to cast
real new yorkers to play

A small role in the show.

The catch is, the
role is so horrible,

No one in their right
mind will want to play it.

And if you can't cast
anyone, you lose.

Action!

Oh, my god! Q! Yeah.

They're filming "lauren order"
right here in the park today.

"law and order"?

No, no, no, no. "lauren order."

♪♪

So, yeah, I'm just... I'm over
here combing the side streets

To cast people in a
professional production

With my co-producer, lucy.

Murr: There you go, buddy.

Excuse me, miss.

Do you watch "lauren and order"?

We're filming it a
block in over there,

And we are casting for an extra.

Because you obviously
look like a new yorker.

So what would you
would have to do is...

"well, if you can get your
legs behind your head,

You can play a
boy in a duffel bag."

[ laughter ]

If you can get your
legs behind your head,

You could play the dead
boy in the duffel bag.

[ laughter ]

There's no way.

[ laughter ]

I like how you're like, "we
need a real new yorker look

To play a boy in a duffel
bag stuffed backwards."

Excuse me. Do you
watch "lauren order"?

You've heard of the show, right?

We need to cast an extra.

If you have any interest, I
can tell you what the role.

"you're going to be looking
directly into the camera

Yelling racial slurs."

[ laughter ]

Yeah, so, basically, we
cast real-looking new yorkers.

You'd be in the crowd

And you'd be looking
right into camera

And just yelling a
bunch of racial slurs.

Um, it takes about


"yeah..."

I'm an elementary-school
teacher.

I don't need that to be...

Well, because of
television standards,

They do have to
cap it to six slurs.

[ laughter ]

"what if they're all
anti-white people?"

I can ask them if they
want to make all the slurs

Against whites.

[ laughter ]

No, I'm good. But thank you.

Okay, but it's your
chance to be a star.

Star? A noted r*cist.

Good luck.

[ laughter ]

Sal, you're done. You're out.

You want to yell racial slurs
to camera for "lauren order"

Real quick for 20
minutes, we'll pay you?

No.

[ laughter ]

Q: All right, murr. Grab
this guy in the blue.

Sir, do you watch the tv
show "lauren order"? Yeah.

Do you have any interest
in being in the show?

Yeah. The part specific...
it's a background part.

The part specifically
we need you to play...

"you grab some guy's
ding-dong and he maces you."

Is... is we want you to...

We want you... we want
you to go up to a guy,

Grab his ding-dong,
and then he maces you.

Oh, good god.

Murr, "it's something
to think about."

It's something to
think about, for sure.

"you know, you
grab his ding-dong

Four or five times,
and then you're done."

I just need somebody to
grab another man's ding-dong

Like four or five times.

He maces you, and that's it.

He's doing it. I thought he'd
never do it in a million years.

It might... it may
take a few takes.

You're gonna be
hands full of ding-dong

Like three or four times.

Hands full of ding-dong.

You're gonna have
hands full of ding-dong.

[ laughter ]

I'm having some second thoughts.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You talked yourself out
of it! He said yes, you idiot!

Come on, let's get your
hands full of ding-dong.

I'm... I'm good. I don't
want any ding-dong.

You don't want to do it anymore?

[ laughter ]

I will touch a
million ding-dongs

Before I get maced, and you
can put that on my tombstone.

Oh, here we go.

Bro, you want to
be on "lauren order"?

We're filming it right here.

Do you want to be on it?

"you're gonna have
to lick the sidewalk

And say, [ jamaican accent
] 'bad t'ings happened 'ere.'"

You have to... in the scene...

In the scene, you're
in the background,

And you have to
lick the sidewalk

And look up and say,

[ jamaican accent ] "bad
t'ings happened here."

[ laughter ]

'ere. 'ear me now. 'ere.

"bad t'ings happened here."

Stop saying the "h" in "here."

For a reason?

There is like a scenario
or something for that?

In the episode, your character
can tell what happened 'ere

By licking the ground.

And then, in a
broken accent, saying,

"bad t'ings happened here."

Stop saying "here"!

'ere! 'ere.

"bad things happened 'ere."

[ laughter ] why
are you pointing up?

Say it again.

"bad things happened 'ere."

Not convinced.

No? Not today. Not today.

All that, and he's not doing it?

Thumbs down happened 'ere.

[ laughter ]

Tell you what, q.

You look like you
can spot talent.

Sal: Oh, my god.
This guy's perfect.

Excuse me, sir. You ever
watch the show "lauren order"?

Of course. We're
sh**ting right over there.

And they need some extras
for the background. Cool.

"we're looking for someone
who looks like an imbecile

That'll suck mold off a tree."

Okay, so we're looking
for someone that looks like

An imbecile that'll suck mold
out of a tree in the background.

Well, I don't
just look like one.

[ laughter ]

Oh, that's great. All right,
so we got the imbecile.

So you're an imbecile.
I love that. Thank you.

Would you be willing to
suck mold in the background?

Sure. [ laughter ]

No questions asked.

What the [bleep]? I don't care.

What the [bleep]?
You don't care.

He doesn't care!

Yeah. You got it. Come on over.

Excuse me, sir. You ever
watch the tv show "lauren order"?

Okay, well, we're
sh**ting right over there,

And we need... we need
some extras for the background.

You're perfect
for the role. Okay.

You'd be... great.

Murr: "here's the role."

Here's the role. You'd be...

"the year is 1985."

Okay, so it's a
it's a period piece.

The year is 1985.

"and you're a
hardcore hulkamaniac

With a serious
cocaine addiction."

And you are...

[ laughter ]

We need some extras
for the background.

Here's the role. You'd be...

"you're a hardcore hulkamaniac

With a serious
cocaine addiction."

And you are a
hardcore hulkamaniac

With a serious
cocaine addiction.

So that would be you.

"you just tear that
shirt off and rip a line."

Is that... can you
tear that shirt off or no?

Tell... we're gonna need
a tear-away shirt for him.

Yep, yep, yep. And a
couple lines of coke?

[ laughter ]

And then you're just in
the background like [sniffs]

Ripping lines and, like,
doing, you know, stuff like that.

Do you know the...

Just doing like...
Oh, there you go!

Let me see that. Let
me see that. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Can you pretend to
rip the shirt for me?

Rar! Yeah, yeah!

Do a line of coke.

Yeah. Okay, now, could you
put that all together for me?

Do the hulkamaniac, rip a line,

And just go. "oh,
yeah, brother!"

Actually, let me get this.

Let me send this over to them.

Three, two, one... action!

Rar!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, all right.
All right, you're in.

We got the
hulkamaniac coke addict.

We need a rip-away xl
shirt and three lines of coke.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Sal and
murr are done-done.

So they're first up
on the loser board.

Tonight, we're joined
by our dear friend

And hysterical
comedian, roy wood jr.

And we are about to
compete head-to-head,

Pitching new product
ideas to a focus group.

The catch is, the moment
that we reveal the product

Is the first time we're
actually seeing it.

If the majority of the focus group
doesn't vote for your product, you lose.

Wait, we don't get to know
what the product is? No.

Sal: All right. Here
we go. We're back.

Playing product inventors.

Sal: Roy wood jr.

I do believe you're probably
the most well equipped guest

We've ever had.

I only did morning
radio for a decade

And three prank
phone call albums,

But, you know, we'll see.

Murr: Hi, guys. Hi. Welcome.

Q: How are you?

So brian and I brought a
number of different products

With us to test
out with you guys.

All right, let's see
what q has here.

Sal: They have never seen
these products before this moment.

All right. Yes.

Sal: What is this?

Okay, so this is
the bird trap junior.

[ laughter ]

"kids are fascinated
by science and nature."

Of course. Everybody knows that.

"everybody and their mother

Keeps a bird trap
outside their window.

Check out what the
inside of a robin, blue jay,

Cardinal, and sparrow looks like

As this bird trap slowly crushes
them before your very eyes."

[ laughs ] oh, my god.

Every single one of
them, mouth wide open.

Go ahead, q, try
to convince them

That it's cool to
trap and crush birds.

Okay. Yep. All
right, so there we go.

So... so what happens is,

Is you'll get this
annoying little critter, like

[ imitates cawing ]

And then you put a little
birdseed in there. Yeah.

This is sick, man.

And then you put
them in there and then.

[ laughs ]

Oh, no, come on. Come on.

Oh, my god.

Yeah. [ squeaking ]

It's like from a "saw" movie.

[ laughing ] yeah.

Now, this, obviously,
will be automated.

Is that the bird or
the... Yeah, really.

This is simulating the
screams and yelps of the bird.

And then...

[ squeaking ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, my lord.

Take a look at the
how thin that bird got.

Thoughts, questions.

Um, it's probably ill*gal.

It's definitely not.

I feel like it is.

[ laughs ]

Psycho.

[ laughs ]

Maybe squish things like cans.

You know, teach the kids how
to recycle instead of m*rder.

Cans aren't pooping on my


[ laughter ]

Roy: All right, murr's up.

So this is the realm 360.

Sal: What is that?

Just a big super
magnifying glass.

"the realm 360 is a giant
lens larger than your head,

Attached to some
sort of headgear

And suspended in
front of your face.

Maybe straps are blue."

[ laughter ]

Now, as you can see, there's...

[ crack ] oh, jesus christ.

What happened?

What the hell happened?

Are you okay?

You fat mother[bleep]

[ laughter ]

He just broke a [bleep] chair
in the middle of this thing.

It just happened.
It wasn't my fault.

You break a chair. I've
never even broken a chair.

Okay, so I know you're
asking, what is the realm 360?

I wear glasses, right?

I have literally three different
prescriptions at home,

Depending on the need.

With the realm 360,

You've got all
possible prescriptions

Built into one, okay.

I can read anything,
no matter what.

No more do I need three
different sets of glasses.

All I need is one realm


Are there any concerns
about a sunny day?

Well, no, I mean,
don't look at the sun.

These are three
magnifying glasses.

You now have
multiple focal lengths

Contained in one headset.

You see what I mean?

I don't know what these do.

The switch?

No, no. The ones on the handles.

Yeah. Lights go on.

Don't... don't touch
the device. Just...

And it's stylish.

[ laughter ]

Roy: Yeah, see?

Sal: Stop shaking
your pea head, please.

Stop it. [ laughs ]

Any thoughts over it?

Um, visually, not the best.

[ laughter ]

Could it be miniaturized
at all? Oh, sure.

Because I was thinking
if you brought them down

To something like this sized...

Yeah, like glasses.

They'd probably be perfect.

I don't know if you
want to do that, though.

[ laughs ]

It is important to note it
will have a carrying case.

[ laughs ]

There's no way murr wins.

By show of hands,

How many of you think
that my ideas were better?

I would like to put one hand
up for your presentation.

Sal: One for murray.

How many of you think
that brian's idea was better?

Two.

Two to one?

So that would be a loss for me.

Yeah, I know it
didn't look that way

When I started crushing birds.

Wow. Wow.

I got to be honest with you.

I broke your chair. Did you?

I broke your chair
before you sat on it.

You broke the chair?

Ready to throw down?

Just like the old days.

All right, here we go.

Sal: Hey, guys. How are you?

Roy and I are product
inventors and developers.

What we're showing you
today are some new products

That we are in
the r&d stages for.

All right, sal, you're up.

So this is, uh,
my first product.

What is that?

Murr: All right, sal, you're up.

So this is, uh,
my first product.

Okay.

[ laughs ] what is that?

This is the grow-n-boil
lobster tank.

[ laughs ]

"lobsters are a
culinary delight,

The diamond of the sea.

With my product, you
can hatch and raise

Your own god-darn lobsters.

Uh-oh! Your
high-maintenance girl or partner

Called last-minute and
fancies a sea diamond?

Crank up the heat and
boil and cook your lobster

To perfection in minutes
right inside the tank."

Q: [ laughs ] oh,
this is horrible.

You basically set up the tank.

You have your
temperature control.

You have all the
filtration system in there.

[ whirring loudly ]

You would put the
lobster eggs into the...

Into hot water?

Not initially.

You're just gonna use hot water
when you're boiling it to eat it

At the end of its life cycle.

[ laughter ]

This is gonna yield about
a pound-and-a-half lobster.

What?

This is gonna yield about
a pound-and-a-half lobster.

Where in the house
would I keep that?

Because it's so loud.

Where you keep it is up to you.

Until you cook
it, it's a pet, right?

So you can put
it in the bedroom.

You can put it as a fish
tank in your living room

Until you're ready
to slaughter it.

[ laughs ]

Okay, now, what's happening now?

Phase two.

Okay, so my question,
so you grow the lobster...

[ laughing ] it's
getting louder.

This can yield up to two. What?

Up to two if it takes.

All those eggs?

No, this is not all eggs.

Some are eggs, and then
the rest is a proprietary blend.

What? I'm sorry.

[ laughs ]

"the actual one
will be 30% quieter."

The actual one will be 30%
quieter than this, at least.

[ laughter ]

What? [ click, whirring stops ]

Well, now we're not going
to see what happens, but.

"all those lobster
eggs just died."

Now that I shut this,
though, the lobster eggs

I put in here are going
to... it's a fatality now.

Oh, my god.

"don't we all want to
die in our own homes?"

[ laughter ]

Wouldn't you rather
die in your own home?

No.

[ laughter ]

Are we ready for my product?

Here we go, roy? Oh, roy.

What do you got, buddy?

Roy wood jr.

Okay.

"shower pjs."

[ laughter ]

"showers... they're
time-consuming,

Waste water, hurt, and
they're just a plain hassle.

They hurt?

Shower pajamas...

A smart suit that will wash
your body without any effort

While you sleep.

If you're not completely happy,

Just send proof of an
unsatisfactory crevice,

And we'll refund


Only three follow-up
questions are usually asked."

[ laughter ]

This is a black-owned business
just trying to save the world.

[ laughter ]

Okay, roy, show
them how it works.

It has a lot of
different water...

Water tubes that
go through here.

And... [ whirring loudly ]

And the water comes
through like that.

"it's gonna be 30% quieter."

It's gonna be 30% quieter.

[ laughter ] now...

Q: Sal can't keep it together.

I understand that the water
is running out right now.

You hear the water around
his sneakers the entire time.

So when you take the
suit off in the morning,

Would you be dry from it?

If you took the suit
off in the morning,

You absolutely would not be dry.

[ laughter ]

So when you get
up in the morning,

You get another reverse suction.

[ whirring ]

Hang on. I can...

[ laughter ]

Work, you white mother[bleep]

[ laughter ]

All right, boys,
let's take the vote.

Who thinks my idea is more
ready to be brought to market?

The lobster tank, yeah.

Ohh! Oh!

A perfect sweep.

Did I mention we were
a black-owned business?

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Murr's
invention was a bust,

Making him tonight's big loser.

Murray, you are our big
loser tonight, my friend.

Yes. So for your punishment,

You're going to be
driving around the bronx

In the official
"impractical jokers"

Mustang convertible.

Now we know that you don't know

How to operate
everything in the mustang.

You may have never
driven one before. I haven't.

So, you know, when you're
going through the drive-thru,

We're gonna be controlling
some of the mustang's features.

Like what?

[ horn honks ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, man. I'm [horn honks]

Q: Oh, wow, we are
back at white castle

After all this time.

This is where it started for us.

Sal: You look really douchey.

You look like a mid-life
crisis, like, on wheels.

We wanted to have
a little bit of fun,

So we put roy in
the drive-thru booth.

Yeah. I'm ready to take
some orders, please.

Thank you. Drive through.

[ laughing ] yeah.

And away we go.

All right, murr, pull up
right behind this lady.

Oh, no.

Ohhh.

So this is what controls
the horn in the mustang.

Thank you for
choosing white castle.

Just a moment, please.

[ horn honks ]

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Sal: It's already amazing.

It's so much different in the
drive-thru than on the street.

One moment, ma'am.
No need to honk.

[ horn honks ]

Please stop honking,
ma'am. Just a second.

We'll be right with
you. [ horn honks ]

[ laughter ]

Murr, "let's go! I
got the squirts bad."

[ bleep ] [ bleep
] [ horn honks ]

Let's go! I got the squirts bad!

[ laughter ]

Oh, no, no, no. [ horn honks ]

"ma'am, when was the last
time you had the squirts?

Get out of the way!"

Ma'am, when was the last
time you had the squirts?

Get out of the way!

Oh h*. [ horn honks ]

"I'll ask you again.

When was the last time
you had the squirts?!"

Ma'am, I'll ask you again.

When was the last time
you had the squirts?!

[ horn honking ]

"you know you've had it."

You know you've had it.

"I bet you had
it earlier today."

I bet you had it earlier today.

[ laughter ]

Oh, [bleep] me.

Roy: Ma'am, do
you have the squirts?

[ laughter ]

Her face is... her face is...

Everybody in the
situation is frozen.

[ laughter ]

Nobody knows what to do.

Ma'am, is the problem
that the gentleman

Behind you is squirting?

Yes.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Okay, roy,
come on back with us.

Oh, a guy and his girl.

Let's open it up with
a long horn. Yeah.

Let's get you in
there. It's all you, baby.

[ horn honking ]

[ horn honking ]

Roy: "let's move it, lovebirds."

Oh, no, no!

[ laughter ]

Let's go, lovebirds. Come on.

[ horn honking ]

Sal: Oh!

Oh [bleep] oh [bleep]

[ horn honks ] "get your
woman under control."

[ laughs ]

[ horn honks ] "get your
woman under control."

[ laughs ]

Yo, get your woman
under control, man.

Ohhh! Ohhh!

[ horn honking ]

Please stop. Please stop.

Uh-oh. Oh, my god.

"get your man under control."

Yo, get your man under control!

[ laughter ]

I'm gonna stay right here.

The whole day I'm
gonna stay right here.

[ horn honks ]

Murr, yell, "you're
both being karens."

Y-you're both being karens.

Oh, my...

[ laughter ] [ horn honks ]

Q: "I love you." just
tell him you love him.

"I love you. I love you, bro."

I love you, bro!

[ laughter ]

"bros before h*s."

Dude, bros before h*s!

What?! What?! Number-one combo.

Medium coke.

[ laughter ]

Crave crate, small
soda. That's it.

[ laughter ]

Murray, after roy hits it, dab.

All right, here we go.

[ horn honks ] now.

[ laughter ]

Dab, dab. Keep dabbing.

Woman: What the [bleep]

Roy: I'm trying to help
you, murr. Stop dabbing.

[ laughter ] stop dabbing!

You've got one more.

Thank you for
choosing white castle.

Give me one moment, please.

[ all groan ]

Sal: Oh, my god.

That is one of the biggest
men I've ever seen in my life.

Guys, you're gonna
[bleep] k*ll me.

Murr, I'm so sorry that you
have to do this to rick ross.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[ horn honks ]

Oh!

Ohh, no, no, no.

Yeah, murr, tap at
your watch, buddy.

[ horn honking ]

Man: Sorry, go again.

Q: He looks sad that he's
about to kick murray's a*s.

He does not want to
do what he wants to do.

He looks right now like
he regrets your death.

[ horn honks ]

Oh, you're done! Oh,
you're done! You're done!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Got a problem? What's that?

You have a problem?

"yes, I'm very hungry, daddy."

Jesus christ.

I'm very hungry, daddy.

Okay, but I've
got to wait on him.

You keep honking the
horn, and it's interrupting it.

I understand, but
I'm hungry, bro.

Okay, we all hungry. Yeah.

[ horn honks ]

Aaah!

[ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ]

You think it's funny?

Sal: "I would never
joke about hunger."

I would never joke
about hunger. I'm hungry.

Okay, no. We can't.

What do you mean, no?

This is what we
brought you here for you!

I can't do it.

Don't hit it again, please.

Hit it. I can't.

You can't.

Let me just... let me just...

Stop! I'm trying to save murr!

Let me hit the short
one. Just short one.

Roy, just the short one!

Don't!

[ horn honks ]

Say, "let's go,
death row records!"

Say it! Hurry up!

Let's go, death row records!

[ laughter ]

He's now completely laughing.

Oh, my lord.

Murr, you better be glad that
black people go to therapy.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, nice work, roy.

Yes!
Yes.

Oh, that was [bleep] fun.