08x20 - Fast Feud

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, did murr
find the fountain of youth?

Why is Joe being so modest?

I'm not weird, okay?

And which losing joker
will eat his words

in tonight's punishment?

- Hi. Can I please have a...
- What?!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal:
Oh, no, she didn't.

Today, we'll be
interviewing housesitters

to watch our place
before we go on vacation.

But it won't be easy
because we've hidden

a lot of strange surprises
for each other.

No matter how weird
the apartment gets,

we have to find a way
to explain it all.

If the person doesn't agree
to watch your place, you lose.

♪

So, this is my apartment.

Sal: So, Murray's currently with
a candidate to housesit for him.

He does not know
that we have rigged

this entire place
with different surprises.

A couple cool things
we've got...

Joe: There's a rope
hanging out of the wall.

This is a tug-of-w*r rope that
you play with your neighbor.

We actually drilled a hole
through the wall,

and you can play tug-of-w*r
with the neighbor.

It's pretty cool.

- Just bang the wall.
- Yeah.

It's pretty cool.
I'll show you.

Watch this.

Okay, okay.

Enough. You know?

Yeah, he won that round.

Murr: There's
a bedroom over here.

Pretty sparsely
designed bedroom.

But come on.
I'll show you around.

The housekeeper will be in,

you know, like, again,
like twice a week.

You know, just... Jesus Christ.

Oh, oh, oh!

That's right, murr. All the
furniture's breakaway, buddy.

Start leanin' on stuff.

- - These walls are pretty solid.
- You don't have to...

My fault.
I haven't decorated...

Yeah. No, it's clearly
not put together right.

Murr, go sit on the bench.

Alright.
No, this one's fine.

You can use that bench.

The bench didn't break
when I sat on it,

so that seems to be...

Murr, when you hear the alarm,
run into the kitchen

and grab a bowl and look up.

It's... oh, so, this is...

This is a cool part
of the apartment.

It's automatic salad.

Oh, geez. Yeah, see?

I have salad.

And you have tomatoes.

You get croutons, as well.
It's really great.

Like, you can make salad
at any time you w...

There's the dressing.

- The dressing!
- It went on his head!

Like that, okay?
It's pretty great, right?

You've never seen this before?
It's the latest thing.

"What activates
the salad?"

It knows the time
that I usually eat lunch.

- "The alarm is faulty.
- The alarm can be faulty.

So you might need to come catch
dressing throughout the day."

So you might need to
just come catch dressing

throughout the day, okay?

Just so it doesn't go
all over the floor.

Murr, why don't you catch
some dressing with your mouth?

Sound the alarm!

Oh, oh. One second.

Woman:
Oh.

It's great, right?
That's great.

Let's see if she'll housesit.

Anyway, that's pretty much
the whole place.

What do you think?
Do you think...

So, what do you think?

You think you might want
to watch the place?

Yeah? Great.

- Oh!
- Ohh! Murray!

I have salad dressing
on my head, don't I?

A little bit. I can feel it.
I can feel it.

- Alright, Joey.
- Alright, Joe.

Sorry. Okay. So, this
is the basic main area.

Murr: You got a bunch
of kitty litter boxes there.

Joe, important to note...
You have no cat.

Just, you know...

So, I don't have a cat, but...

Uh...

Joe, mosey up to the bar
and talk to him there.

Again, there's another
entertainment bar here.

And there's the chess thing.

Oh. And, uh...

- What's that, buddy?
- The monk!

I don't mind if you don't even
mention the Tibetan monk.

Did you ever do any type
of housesitting?

And the Tibetan monk
eating yodels.

We have yodels.

What's in the bedroom, buddy?

This is the room
that we would go in.

Q: Here we go.
Here we go, Joe.

This is the one bedroom.

We've got a guillotine
with doll heads.

So, this is just a place
to crash if you needed to.

And this is just, you know,
sometimes, what I get into.

This is basically...
You know, I just...

"I find beheading dolls
really lets out some steam."

It's just fun to just chop
the head off my dolls. Um...

This is...
You got a fridge in this.

Bathroom's here,
like I told you. And then...

"just chill with chen."

Chen's here. He pops in and out.
So, you know...

Chen, you gonna be here
this week, you think?

Yeah, so, if chen's
gonna be here,

it's just gonna be
you can chill with chen.

He doesn't say much.
He just hangs out.

"The litter box
is mostly chen."

Yeah.
If I'm gonna...

If I'm gonna be honest,
that work's mostly chen.

Okay.

We do host a lot of stuff.

That's why I have
so many litter boxes,

because normally, you know,
a party breaks out any time.

"Just chopping heads off dolls,
people everywhere.

There's yodels."

It's nuts. I mean,
the parties are crazy.

You know, chopping heads
off dolls,

people taking in litter boxes,

the yodel factory over there.

Chen deejays.
What are you...

How do you feel?

Do you think this is something
you'd want to do?

Basically, just package signing,

answering, you know,
doorbell stuff.

"And chen needs yodels.
That's Paramount."

And just make sure that...
It's Paramount that chen

doesn't run out of yodels.

- And that's really only...
- More yodels.

More yodels?
Oh, alright. So, yeah.

Once I wrap up,
I'll get you more.

Hm?

Perfect.

I love him.

So, you think it's something
you'd be interested in?

- Sure.
- Yeah, man. Awesome, dude.

- Oh, my god!
- He said yes!

Q: Wow! He said yes?

Joe: Sal, good luck
upon entry, buddy.

Again, I'm only here like
three months out of the year.

Q: It's a breast-milk farm, bro.

So, um...
Don't worry about them.

- I'm an entrepreneur.
- Okay.

They produce for me, the milk,

and then I bottle it
and package it.

Guys, good to see you.
This is Kellen.

- Hi.
- He may be housesitting.

"So I need you to swap buckets
from time to time."

Sal: He would be
in charge of...

Joe: The buckets!

He would be in charge
of swapping out the buckets,

putting, you know,
the milk in the freezer

and everything like that.

It's just the topnotch titty
milk that they have, so...

Get to the next pile there.

You see the pile
right in front of you?

So, I do have a pet.

Um...

Alright!

I put him in here because
he has anxiety with people

that he doesn't know
in unfamiliar situations,

and he acts out.

- He did this?
- Well, I wasn't here.

It looks like you
staged this like this.

- No, no.
- It looks so intentional.

Oh, my god.
No, no, no.

We got through the terrible
twos with him.

"Let me just tell you...
Never have a son."

Let me tell you something.
Don't ever have a son.

- What kind of dog is it?
- What's that?

- What kind of dog?
- My son.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's
take you to the bedroom.

Okay.

Yeah, I've got two.

Yeah. You have two dogs?

- Two little ones.
- "Oh, good thing you like dogs."

Then open the door.

It's great
that you love dogs...
Yeah.

Because, uh...

- You have two dogs?
- Two little ones.

They're, like, terrier mixes.

Joe: "Oh, good thing you like
dogs." Then open the door.

It's great
that you love dogs...
Yeah.

Because, uh...

Kiss. You must kiss.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

- You must kiss.
- Yeah. Another business.

"I'm trying to crossbreed
a dog and a cat."

Just trying to crossbreed

and see what happens
with dogs and cats.

I'm a huge dog fan and cat fan.

- Wow.
- You guys good?

We've made real progress today.

Oh, good, good, good.

Okay, kiss, kiss.

Kiss. Get out, get out.
I have work to do!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- He is ruining the mood!

It's just a great life,
being an entrepreneur.

Yeah.

- This is the bathroom.
- Okay.

The bathroom's got
smoke coming out of it.

- Uh-oh.
- What's going on in there?

♪

Sal: Oh, sh**t.

Turn around and yell at
one of the girls, "Marie!"

Marie!

- Sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

Don't even worry about that.

It's 520-friendly, not 420.
Please. Please.

What do you think?
Do you want the job?

- Um, I would love this.
- Okay.

Jokers: Ohh!

♪

- Here we go, q.
- Here we go, q. Good luck.

So, this is it.
I mean, basically,

I need you to, like,
sign for packages.

Yeah, it's gorgeous.

You got a bear trap there, q.

Uh, okay, so, uh...

Yeah.
What's going on is, uh...

That is chicken
over a bear trap.

What happened is I'm trying
to lose a little weight,

so what I do is, I put my food
for the day above a bear trap.

This way, I have to kind of
fight for my food,

and I don't overeat
and stuff like that.

What? Why not make it
a piece of art?

That's way more believable.

And you wouldn't have to
worry about that anyway.

That would be disarmed
while you were here.

Your chicken would be
in the fridge.

"But just caution...
Fridge stinks bad."

But just caution on that.
The fridge stinks real bad.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, so just...

- Okay.
- Moving on.

So, over here's the kitchen.

If the kitchen needs to be used,
that's no problem.

I don't have a prob...
I don't have a...

Joe:
Here's the dance troupe.

Okay, alright. This is...
This is my dance troupe.

Guys, this is...
Guys, we can't rehearse.

Ohp! There you go. You guys
got to work on the... right.

This is my dance troupe,
the ninja slutz, with a "z"...

S-l-u-t-z.
And this is...

Alright, guys.

You want in?

- Everyone's gonna...
- Come on! Jump on in!

You're one of
the ninja slutz now.

♪

- No.
- Oh, come on.

Joe: Hey, this guy's
a good sport.

Alright, come on, guys.
Go rehearse. I told you this.

Oh, man. Have you heard
of the ninja slutz?

- I haven't.
- There they go.

Later, guys.

They all went in the bathroom.

My other guy's room...

Yeah.

That is, uh, hopefully
a mannequin.

Yeah.

He's alive.
He's definitely alive.

Go. Good luck.

It's an art installation.
It's an art installation.

Joe: He learned!

And, you know...

So, you know, in the end...

- I'm fine with farts.
- You're fine w...

Oh, so, so far, you wouldn't
have a problem with this?

I don't have a problem
with that.

"Okay, so let's check out the
bedroom, and then we'll see."

Now we're going, and this is...

The power of god compels you!
Free this girl of the demon!

This is my roommate.

The power of god compels you!

Hey, Brian.

Hey, Dan.
What's going on?

The power of god compels you!

- Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god!

- Oh, my god!
- The power of god compels you!

I think that one's
getting away, Dan!

- The power of god compels you!
- Think that one's getting away!

Get in there, bud.

Get out! Come on!

So, that sort of thing,
you know.

Dan: The power of god
compels you!

Joe:
Alright, so, ask him.

So, is it a job you think
you'd be interested in?

Murr: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Mm. Yeah, it's fine.

I'll take a yes.

Joe: Wow!

Narrator:
All the guys sealed the deal,

so for now, they're staying
off the loser board.

Alright, today,
we are at city acres market

posing as marketing researchers.

We'll ask customers if
we can follow them around

because we're conducting
a study on shopping habits.

While watching shoppers
do their thang,

we'll do and say
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse anything,
you lose.

- Also, I'm sick.
- He's very sick... murr.

He has been sick for days.
I'm starting to get worried.

Sal: I'm sick of him.

♪

Murr: That's an odd potato.
Look at that.

Joe: That's
a huge potato.

Look at these little
teeny bananas.

You should touch all the fruit
'cause you're sick,

so that's nice for everybody.

Touch everything.

- Hello, sir, how are you?
- Good, and you?

We're offering 10% off
your entire order today

if you simply let me
follow you from a distance

and just Mark your behavior.
Alright.

"We're studying the shopping
habits of undesirables."

We're just...

We're just studying the shopping
habits of undesirables.

So just go...

Like yourself...
So just go free and shop.

Great.

From the get-go,
he calls him undesirable.

"Customer prefers
name brand."

Customer prefers name brand.

"Customer moves
with purpose."

Customer moves with purpose.

"Customer's got
a sick a*s."

No. No!

Customer has sick a*s.

"Shoulders for days."

Murr:
Shoulders for days.

Sal: "If I have to
fudge the numbers

for diversity
purposes..."

If I have to fudge the numbers
for diversity purposes...

"can I call you
a pacific island female?"

can I... can I call you
a pacific islander female?

- Absolutely.
- Great. Okay.

Joe:
Great job, murr.

Hi. Are you shopping
for fruit and sh*t?

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

So, we're doing a thing today
where I follow people around

who are shopping produce

and we'll give them 10% off
their entire purchase.

Q: "It's not invasive."

It's a non-invasive procedure.

- Well, I wouldn't let you.
- Yeah, you wouldn't let me.

- Okay, and what was your name?
- Ria.

Ria. I'm Joe.
Nice to see you.

- "I'm not weird, okay?"
- I'm not weird, okay?

You're looking for
organic fruits.

Okay, so that's
important to you.

"So, Ria, have you ever
gone over to the galleria?"

Have you ever gone down to the
galleria down the road? No.

Sal: "Oh, they have
a great pizzeria."

- Great pizzeria.
- "And they also have...

And they also have...
A salumeria."

a salumeria where
you get sandwiches.

"You can eat it all
in the cafeteria."

You can eat it all
in the cafeteria.

Sal: Joe, take
the watermelon from her.

Try to break it over your knee
just to see if it was ripe.

This watermelon?
Okay.

Can I talk to you about
your selection real quick?

He's gonna break his knee.

- You didn't tell me what...
- Yeah, this one doesn't.

No, this one's...
This isn't...

- There we go. See?
- Whoa! He cracked it open.

Now, if you look,
this one's no good.

Start scooping it out
with your hand

and then just putting it
in your mouth.

Really, you know what?
You could see the inside there.

"I was way off.
This watermelon is from god."

This is outrageous, this thing.

This is like straight
from god, this thing.

"I'm not weird, okay?"

And I'm not weird, okay?

Hey. We're doing...
We're doing a monitor thing.

If you want 10% off
your whole order today.

Yeah, I'll just
follow you around,

and you pick up
what you were gonna get.

Sal: "You won't
even know I'm here."

You won't even know I'm here.

- "But before you finish...
- But before you finish...

"quick piss test,
and we're done."

just a quick...

Yeah, I'll just
follow you around,

and you pick up
what you were gonna get.

Sal: "You won't
even know I'm here."

You won't even know I'm here.

- "But before you finish...
- But before you finish...

"quick piss test,
and we're done."

just a quick...

What are you getting?

Okay, great. You do that,
and then I'll get the cup.

Quick pee test, and then
you're out of here.

Not doing the piss test.
Got it. Okay, got it.

Subject declines piss test.

- "Hey, ma'am."
- Hit the woman. Hit the woman.

Excuse me, ma'am?
Hi. How you doing?

- "Quick piss test."
- "Quick piss test."

"10% off for
a quick piss test."

You got time for a...
You want 10% off?

What we're doing is just...
Quick piss test.

Quick piss test?
10% off?

- It's a good offer.
- It's not a bad offer.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I'm good, thanks.
- Oh, alright.

- Oh!
- Oh, man!

- That's it.
- That's fine. It's alright.

- I win 'cause I asked.
- Well done.

Sal: Wow.

- Hello. Good afternoon. Hi.
- Hi.

We're giving 10%
to our shoppers today

in the produce section,
off your entire order.

That's it. That's really it.
My name is sal.

Please just go
about your business.

Thank you.

Uh... where do they
come from, mangos?

"Well,
if I know."

In France, they write
where the product

actually comes from, in France.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Here in america?

- - No, if we know.
- We don't know.

- Wow!
- So, you're visiting, then?

Are you on vacation,
visiting, or...?

- Yes, yes.
- Oh, excellent.

- For a month.
- For a month?

"Okay, so, the victim
is visiting."

The victim is visiting
for one month.

Okay, sal, why don't we
make some observations

while she's shopping?
Murr: Yeah.

The victim seems
to take their time.

Victim walks very slow.

Joe:
"Oh, no, she didn't."

Sal: Oh, no, she didn't.

Oh, yes, she did.

Joe: Sal, I want you to go
around the other way,

bump into her, and be like, "aw,
I'm not here. I'm not here."

I'm not here.
I'm not even here.

Sal, use that cart to hide.

♪

"Victim may have
discovered me."

Victim may have discovered me.

"Victim able to handle cucumber
without giggling."

Nope.

Murr:
That's a fail, bud.

Narrator: Sal got pickled,
making him tonight's big loser.

Oh, yeah!

If there's one place we love
sh**ting, it's white castle.

So we're here
for sal's punishment.

Buddy, today, you are working
at the drive-through window.

I know what you're gonna say.
Don't worry about it.

You don't have to say anything.

We'll handle talking
to the customers for you

because we control the box.

And then you deal with what
happens when they pull around.

So they're gonna think
I said it?

- Yes.
- Correct. Yeah.

So you don't really
even need this.

I'm sorry.
I'll be right with you.

Murr: This is fun.

We are the voice coming
through the intercom.

Sal's got to bear the brunt
of what we say.

- Alright, here we go.
- We have someone?

Hi. Welcome to white castle.

What can I get you, face?

No one's there.

Murr: Car, car, car, car,

Joe: Somebody's coming up, sal,
for real.

Okay, okay.

Murr:
Welcome to white castle.

Pull up a little further,
please.

- Pull up to the window?
- Yes, yes. Pull right up...

No, no. Too far.
I'm sorry. Back up.

Just so you're even
with the speaker.

Back up. No. That's
too far, miss. Too far.

Just forward a little bit more
so I can hear you.

Speak... uh, speak to your left.

- Hi.
- Back up another foot.

Are you serious
or you playing with me?

I'm sorry.
It's just the speakers...

- How 'bout there?
- Split the difference.

Can you up another
like 2, 3 inches?

Unh, unh, unh.
Good. Okay, yes.

How can I help you? Welcome
to white castle. I'm sal.

You're annoying, sal.

Let me have two cheeseburgers
and two hamburgers.

And two hamburgers.

Okay, now, ma'am, just
drive around in a second,

and we'll have your order,
and I sure hope

there's not a wedding ring
on that finger when I see you.

Joe: Remember, the person that
we make you in the speaker

is the person you are
when they pull up.

Q: Yeah. You can't go negating
everything we've done, bud.

- You got to live in that.
- Oh, no.

Oh, wait.
Back up a little bit.

Can you back up a little?
'Cause I can see you.

2 inches?

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

"Let me see
that wedding ring."

Again, just to make sure,
you got that bling on that left?

Alright. Maybe next time.
I'm here.

You know where to find me.

Murr: Hi. Welcome to white
castle. How can I help you?

One order of chicken wings.

How many?
Just hold on one second.

Let me just get the...
One second.

Aaah!

Ugh! Ughhh! Ughhhh! Ughh!

Unh, eh, unh, ugh.

Ugh, ugh! Ugh!

Joe: Window number two.
Go see sal.

Joe: Sal, you're hurt.
You're hurt, sal.

Sal: Ugh!

Ugh! Ughhh!

Unh.

Right out, sir.
Coming right out.

He's staring at nothing.

Murr: Sal, get hurt.

Sal: Ugh!

Get me a medium cherry coke.

A lot of ice, okay?

And what's the magic word?

What? Please?

Very good.

Okay, so, what can I get you?

Um, I just ordered.

I know, but we learned
something today,

and let's try it again.

- Okay, i'm-a come inside.
- Okay, we'll see you inside.

My name's sal.

- Sal.
- Oh, my god.

Joe: And what's
the magic word?

What? Please?

Very good.

Okay, so, what can I get you?

Um, I just ordered.

I know, but we learned
something today,

and let's try it again.

- Okay, i'm-a come inside.
- Okay, we'll see you inside.

My name's sal.

- Murr: Oh, my god.
- Hi. Coming in?

- Who's al?
- Sal.

- Sal?
- Yes.

I'm very in a hurry.
I put the order in.

Once I put in my order, I say,
"thank you very much."

Oh, great.
And you say,
"you're welcome."

- Yeah.
- Okay? Alright.

- Ohh!
- Whoa!

- You got learned a lesson.
- Guys, this is terrible.

Q: Hello!
And welcome to...

Wh-i-i-i-i-ite castle!

I'm sal! Yowza!

You are a d*ck.

Can I have two cheeseburger,
no pickle?

Two cheeseburgers!
Whoo!

And an orange fanta, no ice.

She wants that orange fanta!

She wants no ice!

Thank you. I'm sal.
Drive to window two.

Sal, whisper when she comes up.

♪

Hi. How are you?

See, you givin' me a headache.

Whoo!

Bow!

Thank you. Good job.

Thank you for coming.
Rock on.

Q: Alright.
Down to the last one.

Joe: Thanks for coming to white
castle. How can I help you?

- Hi. Can I please have a...
- What?!

- Look at sal's face.
- Can I please have a number one?

- Yeah.
- No pickles, no cheese.

No cheese, yep.

- And a...
- Oh, more? What else?

Small with a coke.

And one double cheese,
no pickles.

Hold on.

Oh, my god!

- Is that all you wanted?
- Yeah, that's it.

Alright, drive up, then!

I'm sal.
Window number two.

Oh. No.

Q: Oh, sal. Oh, sal.

- Oh!
- Oh, sal!

Oh, no.

-Sal, you gotta
slow down, buddy.

What's that? Is that it?
I'm just saying.

- Oh, my god. Sal, it's you!
- Yeah.

- Ohh! You got lucky!
- You lucky b*stard!

- I watch your show all the time.
- Thank you.

I'm like, "what the
is this guy's attitude?"

- Good to see you.
- You too, man.

- Oh, awesome, man. Awesome.
- Alright, you're done, buddy.