08x12 - The Show Stopper

[bunniefuu]

Guess where we are.

Universal studios Hollywood,

our favorite park
in the whole world.

Let's go on rides!

That's not a ride.

What?

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal: I will never
forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

I made out with them all.

Today, we're stopping
park-goers here

at universal studios Hollywood
to take a quick survey.

While conducting these surveys,
we're gonna have to do

and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose.

Sal inserts joke here.

That's a great one, sal.

Joe: Sal, no one could
take you seriously

with these glasses on, okay?

If uv rays wanted to get
to my ba*ls, they can't.

You're wearing
a windshield, basically.

You're wearing
a tinted windshield.

Hi, sir.
How are you?

Good.
How are you today?

Thanks.
Got three minutes?

"Sir, there's no reason
to be nervous."

There's no reason to be nervous.

Oh, no, it's all good.

"I'm gentle like a p*ssy Willow
in a kitten's mouth."

Again, just to set you at ease,
I'm gentle like a...

A p*ssy Willow in a kitten's
mouth, you know what I mean?

So... sure.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay, buddy.

If you can answer these
questions with, um, a sound.

Are you having fun?

Yay!
Great.

How'd you get here today?

We drove.
Well, with a noise.

Oh, okay.
Vroom.

Yeah.

Beep, beep.
Beep, beep.

Uh, not a lot of beep-beeping.

More so... then some err!

And then a...
Yeah, we're hitting the breaks.

Okay.

Favorite zoo animal?

Lion.

Murr: No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Rawr!

How dare you?

He gave everything you need.
Good. Now just rip it up.

I'll just...

Thank you so much,
and enjoy the park.

Okay, Baxter.
And you're from?

Louisiana.
Oh, right on, right on.

Sal, make assumptions about him.

And Baxter from Louisiana,

clearly divorced then or...?

No, I'm married.
Oh, married.

Vegan, though.
No, no.

Oh, no, okay.

- Grandparent.
- Grandfather.

No, no.
Okay, great.

"Height... 5'8"."
5'8"?

About 5'19".

Joe: 5'19".

He did the math for him.
Okay, 6'7".

Murr: "140, 145."

140, 145, then.

No, I'm about a good 250.

"African American."

African American.

Well, I... I don't have that
much of a tan, do I?

And then take your glasses off
and realize

it's the glasses that have been
screwing you up the whole time.

Oh,

strangest thing...
I put the glasses on.

Uh-huh.
Man, I took you for

a 5'8", 140-pound,
African American,

vegan grandparent who's divorced
and from a foreign land.

Look at that.
Look at that.

Come right on in.
Come right on in.

Here's your gift card.
Use that anywhere in the park.

Okay.

What is your favorite part
of the park so far?

So far,
"the walking dead."

"Walking dead."

Have you had any food
in the park?

Just drink.
Just drink.

"Is the drink still
in your body?"

Okay, is the... is the drink
still in your body?

Yes.

It's still going
through the system?

Yes.

"When do you think the drink
will be out of the body?"

Okay, and... and how long...
When do you...

When do you think the drink
will be out of your body?

In an hour.
Okay, an hour, an hour.

Okay.
"And how long do think

it'll take you to get the drink
out of your body?"

And... and then...

And then once you've engaged
the expulsion,

how long do you think it'll take

for it to get out of your body?

One minute.
One minute.

Are you... are you hot,
and if yes,

do you want me to saturate you
with an old hose?

Oh, okay, you're all right,
so no to the old hose.

And what is your name?

Dominic.
Dominic.

"Alright, real fast, let me just
wear your backpack?"

And how is that?
Is that too heavy?

No.
You want me...

You want me to hold...
No, no, no, no.

It's fine.

Procedure is I got
to hold your backpack.

Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.
Here.

All right, q,
slowly become Dominic.

Start switching everything
with Dominic.

Okay, and that is...
That's right there.

Okay, great.

And then who are you
traveling with?

Well, I'm here with my mom
and brother and then my uncle.

Murr: You see, he's got
that bracelet on his wrist.

Yeah?
Keep going.

I just got here two hours ago.

- Okay.
- Give him your apple watch.

Um, I mean, I like Harry Potter.

Yeah, make him give you
the survey.

Are you more of a planner

or a go-with-the-flow type
of vacationer?

I'm more of, like,
a go-with-the-flow

type of person,
you know what I mean?

I like to show up at the park

and then just kind of
roll with it.

"All right, thanks so much.
That's all the time I have."

Okay, if that's cool,
I'm gonna go ride the rides

with my family, all right?
Yeah.

Thanks, brother. Thank you.
Thanks for the gift card.

What is your name?
Victor.

Victor.
And your name, sir?

Vega.
Vega.

"I got three words
for you, vega."

I got three words
for you, buddy.

"Nice ponytail, cupcake."

Here's your card.

Three words. That's it, boys.
Thank you so much.

You didn't even ask him
any questions.

You guys led with
the ponytail thing.

Murr: Ponytail strikes again.

This is it, man.

- Universal, bro.
- I love universal.

I would live here if I could.

Guys, you want to take
a quick survey?

You'll still make the show.

You'll get a $15 gift card.

- All right.
- Ask questions, and then

just gently lob pennies
at them when they answer.

What is your favorite
part of the universal experience

so far?

The tram ride.

The tram, great.
Okay.

And what is your favorite food

that you've eaten in the park?

Burger.
The burger, great.

What ride are you most excited
to go on in the park?

The tram.
The tram, the tram, great.

And one more question.
Joe: "Oh, I'm out of pennies."

Oh, I'm out of pennies, so...

Don't say anything. Just look at
them till they walk away.

♪

"Okay, bye-bye."

Okay, bye.

Where are you guys from?

We're from Illinois.
From Illinois?

"You guys clearly
all eat beef jerky."

And you guys...

And you guys... so you're from

Illinois, so midwest, right?

So then y... you clearly
eat beef jerky, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Great.
Oh, great.

Do you want a $15 gift card...
Takes a 30-second survey?

- Sure.
- Great.

What's your favorite part of
the universal experience so far?

I really like
the "transformer" ride.

The "transformer" ride was good.

The "transformer" ride's great.

"And whose hair can I have
a lock of?"

Great. And then...

And then, who...

And then what's
your favorite part

of the universal experience
so far?

I really like
the "transformer" ride.

The "transformer" ride was good.

The "transformer" ride's great.

"And whose hair can I have
a lock of?"

And then...
And then, who...

And then whose hair
can I have a lock of?

No, I'm serious.

Just real quick.
Sure.

- Great.
- What?!

Can you hold this
for one second for me?

Great. Thanks so much.
I'll take it from the back here.

- Oh, my god!
- Great.

- What?
- Got that.

Great.
Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.
I got that.

It's so we know
who answered the questions.

I match your DNA to this.

Thanks so much. Enjoy the...
Spend those gift cards.

- Wow.
- Good job, murr.

- What?
- Well done, murr.

Okay, so, what's your name?
Joy.

Hi, joy. I'm Joe.
Nice to see you.

- Hi.
- Convince her you're related.

Uh, okay. And where
are you from, joy?

Sherman oaks.
Oh, from Cali?

Yeah.
I got family up there.

Um...

Joy, I... you look
very familiar to me, joy,

because I have a cousin
that's out here

from the sherman oaks
side of my family.

Oh, that's funny.
Yeah.

What are your parents' names?

Cha and Daniel.
Daniel.

And what's the last name?
Joy...

Phan.
Phan.

Danny phan married...

Okay, what was
your mother's name?

Cha.
Cha.

What's your mother...
Your mother's?

Peter and...
Peter.

Right. And your
mother's maiden name?

Wang.
Peter wang.

And what's the last name?
Joy...

Phan.
Phan.

Yeah.
Daniel phan.

Get there.
Get there.

Danny phan and cha, right?

Peter wang, right?

And then you come through.
You're joy.

You're joy phan, right?
You're my mom.

Right.

No, I'm not that old.
I love you, mom.

Excuse me. Is that a ride,
or is that just a...

That is... "waterworld"
is a... it's an attraction.

It's a show that you watch.

The next one is
at 4:00 P.M.

Joe, start orbiting them.

Well, this is where you're
gonna go for the "waterworld,"

but if you come there
past the...

- Keep circling.
- Poke shop here...

Well, actually
the quickest way...

The quickest way would be...

And you got to go around
through here,

and there's another entrance.

And the line gets really
long here,

so you're gonna want
to make sure that when you come,

you don't want it to be
too long around that side,

and you're gonna be here.

- Go between them, Joe.
- You got it.

Where are we going,
"waterworld"?

He nailed it.

Narrator: Survey says q's
first up on the loser board.

We're here working
at the awesome

"Jurassic world: The ride."

And we're carrying these
nifty little walkie-talkies.

At some point, the guys
are gonna give us

a seemingly innocent line
in advance

that we must then use
to answer the crazy question

that's about to come over
the walkie-talkie.

And everybody around us
is gonna hear the question,

and I mean everybody.

The question is, will we have
the guts to answer the question?

Joe: If you can't answer
the question, you lose...

Err!

Joe?

- Okay, q?
- Mm-hmm?

- The line's very simple.
- Mm-hmm.

"It's my duty, sir."

All right?

I mean, I...

I see where this is going, 100%.

Okay.

That's not your receipt, right?
You don't need that?

- No, no.
- Brian, Brian, come in.

Okay, my name's Brian
if you need anything.

- Brian, come in, come in.
- Okay.

Sorry, go for Brian,
go for Brian.

Yeah, who took an upper-Decker
in the break-room bathroom

and didn't flush?

Joe:
"Was that you, Brian?"

It's my duty, sir.

Copy.

Got to keep yourself
entertained at the park somehow,

you know what I mean?

- Yeah.
- Why upper-Decker?

'Cause a lower-Decker is
just a regular poop.

Buddy, you know you're on
bathroom duty today, right?

It's my duty, sir.

Have a nice day.

- Here we go.
- All right, Joey.

Your answer is,
"with the mop."

"With the mop."
Yeah.

He's a custodian.
"With the mop."

Come in, Joe.
Joe, come in.

Joe.
Go for Joe.

Hey, Joe, I know you're married.

How did you practice kissing
before your wedding day?

With the mop.

I'm sorry.
Come again?

I said, "with the mop."
No, no, no.

How did you practice kissing
before your wedding day?

I practiced
kissing with the mop.

So, you're saying that
you practiced

kissing your wife with a mop?

So you used to kiss a mop?

You're just not getting it.
Maybe I'm breaking up.

Could you tell him
that I kissed a mop?

He kissed the mop.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

We're asking him this question.

Before his wedding day,
how did he practice kissing?

And his answer is...

He kissed a mop.

10-4.

Over.
Thank you so much.

You guys weren't
just getting it.

I said, "with a mop."
I made out with that mop.

I made out with a mop.
You made out with a mop.

I made out with a mop!

You practiced kissing
your wife on a mop!

On da mop!

Here we go, buddy.

- Ready for this?
- Yeah.

You're just gonna reply,
"adios, muchacho."

- I'm already on-board.
- Okay.

Is that 'cause I'm Spanish?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Goodbye, friend.
Goodbye, pal.

How's your day in the park?
All right?

Having fun?

Sal, you there, bud?

Come in for sal.

Hey, bud.
It's Brian.

Hey, buddy, I'm just over
by "Jurassic world,"

just cleaning up.

Okay, just wanted
to let you know

that I just got back
from the doctor's,

and it's not
looking good for me.

Q: Hey, bud.
It's Brian.

Come in for sal.

Okay, just wanted
to let you know

that I just got back
from the doctor's,

and it's not
looking good for me.

It's his time.

He don't sound good.

It's getting dark.
So cold.

Adios, muchacho.

Joe: He got him!

Bud, i'm a little confused.

I don't... I don't know
if you heard what I said.

I went to the doctor.

It doesn't look good
for me, bud.

I'm definitely gonna have
to leave work.

Yeah, you heard me
loud and clear.

Adios, muchacho.

I mean, they're saying two weeks
at most, but I...

Are you gonna...

"adios, muchacho" means,
"goodbye, friend."

I mean, I can't dwell on this.

I won.
I said it three times now.

Is that three thumbs up or...?

He's right.
He's right.

You're right, buddy.
You win.

Hey, frank.

You think you could cover me
for next Tuesday?

Brian's a goner.

Watching anything good, sir?

What you watching,
YouTube or...?

Oh, what do you mean?

Oh, the video from the ride.
Yeah.

He's at the park
watching the ride.

This is what, "the mummy" ride?
It's great, right?

Come in, James.
James, are you out there?

James?

Uh...

Uh, yes, go for James.

Were you the one that put
"the mummy" ride

footage online, bud?

Well, no.

Of course, you know,

you're not allowed to take video
in "the mummy" ride.

Everyone knows that in the park.

Well, the views
are going up as we speak.

Someone just started
watching it,

and everybody thinks that you're
the one that rode the ride

and put that footage online.

I mean, it was a private video.

Nobody would be sitting around
watching a "mummy" right video.

Right?

Hey, guys.
This is sarge.

We actually have
a pinged location.

It seems that this video
viewing is in your area.

It's feet from you.

Is there anyone
with a multimedia device?

The demographics say
it's a male.

Why is someone paying to come
into the park

to sit down to watch the ride
on a small screen

with not-good audio,
as opposed to enjoying

everything
that we have to offer here

because we do have
so many attractions?

That person sounds like
a madman, to be honest.

All right, murr,
your answer's gonna be,

"not Mayo... mustard."

Oh, got it.

Hey, bud,
we're getting a report.

Did you slop mayonnaise
on a toddler's head?

Not Mayo... mustard.

Okay. Thanks for
the clarification, bud.

No, I'm not an animal.

There's a big vat of Mayo
and mustard around, you know?

I saw this little kid.

He looked like
he was having fun,

so I dumped the whole thing
of mustard right on his head.

- Good job, buddy.
- Nice, murr.

Joe: You're stellar.

Narrator:
The message is loud and clear.

Q is tonight's big loser.

Q has lost the universal studios
Hollywood episode,

so we're hanging out here
in hill valley.

All right, and for your
punishment today, buddy,

you're gonna take
their most iconic ride...

Yeah.
The studio tour

all around the back lot,
where the fun never stops.

Yeah, but the fun's gonna
stop today because of you.

It's just gonna stop again
and again and again and again.

- Keep stopping.
- All right, stop.

Stop.
No, you stop it.

You stop it.
You're gonna stop it.

Stop it now.

Jordan: We're gonna take you
on to our back lot.

Now, this right here is where
we film the big stuff.

Murr: So, Jordan the tour guide,
he's working with us.

He can hear what we say.

He knows the deal... Jordan.

None of the passengers do.
Don't worry.

After all this is over,
we're hooking all these

people up with a vip tour
and special access to rides.

Where are my
"back to the future" fans?

- And the tram is packed.
- Packed.

Joe: All right, buddy,
if you look up,

there's a nice red wire
right above you.

Murr: Yeah, you see that cord?
That's the emergency brake.

We're gonna have you pull it
whenever we tell you.

Yeah.

On your right-hand side,
you can see

a long street right there.

That street is called
New York street.

New York street?
That's a great spot

to stop the tram.

"Home alone 2: Lost in New York"
has filmed scenes right...

You'll always remember
your first emergency pull.

Series
"American ninja warrior"...

Ready, q? Pull it.

Actually filmed right out there.

Jordan: That street is called
New York street.

New York street?
That's a great spot

to stop the tram.

"Home alone 2: Lost in New York"
has filmed scenes...

Ready, q?
Pull it.

Right out there.

We actually utilize that...

Uh, the red assistance cord
has just been pulled.

If this is a medical emergency,
please pull the cord again,

and we will contact
emergency services.

So, I'm gonna walk alongside
the vehicle now.

I will also ask...

Q, when he comes over to you,
you have to ask him,

"what time does
the park close?"

When I approach the person
that needs assistance,

I ask that they please
raise their hand.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Yes, sir?

I'm sorry.
I missed it if you said it.

What time does the park close?

Sir, that's actually not
an emergency.

No, that's why
I didn't ring it twice.

Pull the emergency cord
if it's an emergency.

Okay.
Yeah.

Got you.
But you're good?

Okay, but...

But the park?

The park is gonna be
closing today at 10:00.

Okay, I missed that.
Thank you.

Okay.

- Ohh!
- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, my god.
- All right, we're back.

So, like I was saying...

Murr: This is fun.

Yeah, this is fun.

But also, right out there, guys,
a lot of history has been

on that street, going all
the way back to the 1940s.

Oh, it's been too long
since we've stopped.

Yeah.
Why don't you give her a tug?

You guys know
"hairspray live!"

What they actually did
for that...

That's one of the first
productions that actually...

- Oh, here we go.
- Here we go.

From our sound stages.

The red assistance cord
has just been pulled.

If this is a medical emergency,
please pull the cord again,

and we will contact
emergency services.

Can he slow down for photo ops?

"Because what's the point of it

if you can't get
a good photo?"

Yes, sir?
Are we... we're supposed

to be taking photos?

- Oh!
- 'Cause you're going by

pretty fast.
I was just wondering if you

could slow it down so I could
just take a couple of shots?

Sir, are you g...
Sir, are you good?

Yeah, you guys are just
going pretty fast.

Got you. Just have
your cameras ready

when we go to the spot.

Are we coming back
this way again?

Not again, so take
your pictures now.

Okay, thank you.
Okay.

Murr: Oh-h*-h*-h*-h*!

Joe: The guy next to him
was steaming.

Oh!

Oh, my god, the other cars
are not happy.

If you have your photos out,

now is the time
to have those cameras ready.

That's a dig at q.

Have your cameras out now
so you get ready.

All right, on here,
we've actually had scenes filmed

from one of my favorite
Jack black films.

It's called "nacho libre."
Yes.

Do we have any
"nacho libre" fans?

Yes, I see those hands up.

All right, q, here we go.

Known as old Mexico.

Get ready to pull, bud.

Let's try this.
On the count of 3,

can we all yell "nacho"?

Ready, q?

- 1, 2...
- Pull it.

- Oh, here we go.
- Here we go.

The red assistance cord
has just been pulled.

We're gonna have to stop
the ride for a moment.

If this is a medical
emergency...

"I just want to know, how much
longer is this gonna be?"

How much longer is this?

- Oh!
- Sir, I literally need you

to pull it only if
it's an emergency.

45 minutes.

That's why we try
to tell you ahead of time

so you know it coming in.

"I'll just rearrange my day.
It's fine."

Do you need to get out?
Are you...

No, I'll rearrange my day.
I got it.

All right.
Thanks.

Emergency, sir.
Thank you.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Look at them look!
- Look at this guy.

Okay, if we stop any much more,

we will have to skip
parts of the tour.

Now, all the vehicles
you're seeing out here

were actually used in
the original trilogy

of "Jurassic park."
On the right...

Look, they're arms are crossed.

The guys next to him...
Their arms are just crossed.

- Yep.
- This area right out here

is called six points Texas.

- Ready, q?
- Mnh-mnh.

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
Murr: 3, 2, 1...

Together: Stop.

- Oh.
- Oh, sh*t.

We're gonna have to stop
the ride for a moment.

If this is
a medical emergency...

Look at this guy.
He wants to m*rder him.

We will contact
emergency services.

Sal: Look, the little kid is
mad. The little kid is mad.

Q, just ask him, "what did you
just say back there?

I missed it."

- Yes?
- I just...

I missed what you said.
Sir, I will not entertain

this any longer.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just missed
what you said.

Emergencies, sir.

Hey, bro, you're wasting
everybody's time!

Wow!

Look at the guy!
Murr: The mood's changing.

The guy next to him is frozen.

Q, as soon as he starts moving,
pull it again.

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

- Yes.
- You have to.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Yes.

Okay, so, as we continue
right out here...

Go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Ohh, sh*t!

Jordan: If this is
a medical emergency,

please pull
the cord again, and...

Murr: You just wanted
to tell him you're sorry.

You don't want to get off
on the wrong foot.

No, no, no.
I just wanted to apologize.

We're getting off
on the wrong foot.

That guy's very upset.

Sir, we're... we're...
Sir, seriously, do not.

Okay.
I just wanted to apologize.

- Do not, sir.
- Oh, my god.

- Wow. Look at her.
- She is burning.

- Oh, my god, q.
- I want to die.

At this point,
we actually do have

to skip through certain portions

because now too many trams
will pass in front of us.

So we will be missing portions
of the tour now.

- Oh!
- As you take a...

Oh, wait a minute.
Is that a shark?

Jaws isn't the biggest monster
on this tour, buddy.

- And smile.
- I'm begging you.

Oh, you're begging us?
You want it to stop?

Sure.
Stand up and pull it.

Mnh-mnh.

- Ready, q?
- Mnh-mnh.

We've had "Buffy the vampire
slayer," actually...

3, 2, 1, stop.

Gosh dang it, sir!
Get out! Sir!

Sir, get out!

Can we get security out here?

Sir, I need you out of the tram!

Is he talking to me?
He's right here.

Q: I don't know that I need to
be, you know, talked to.

Whatever this shirt is.

Which one?
This guy?

You're coming out.

How about a little
professionalism around here,

all right?

You're out, you a*s!

He won't be back.

Bye!