08x09 - The Antisocial Network

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...

What's got sal
spreading the love?

You got that boom-shaka-laka.

Will q mansplain his way
out of this one?

There's nothing better
after a long day of menstruating

than to have some chocolate.

And which losing joker will have
a fatal attraction

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

We're going middle-school rules.

Today, we're at the mall
at bay Plaza hooking people up.

The goal is to get
two complete strangers

together by getting
one potential mate

to go over
to the other potential mate.

If you can't get the two
lovebirds together, you lose.

Love is in the air.

No, I think that's rain,
actually.

Well, something flew
in my throat.

Alright, gentlemen.

I'm here to f...
I'm here to find love.

That looks like your shirt says
"nipple loves nipple."

Can't help my n*pples, man.

How 'bout this fella?
He's good.

Hey, friend.
"Hey, friend?"

I'm sorry to interrupt.
My name's James.

I work for a professional
matchmaking company.

As an objective observer,
there's a girl

sitting over there alone.

I sensed her energy.

I've been in the matchmaking
business for two decades now.

Okay.
I mean, you see the t-shirt.

Well, let me talk to her first,
see if she's interested,

but I'm telling you,
there's something there.

Go.
Hold on a second.

Wow, murr, pretty good.

Wow.
So, he's got 50%.

Hey, friend.
My name's James.

I work for a professional
matchmaking service.

I was just eating lunch here,

and there's a gentleman
sitting alone over there.

He's a good-looking guy.

I'm telling you,
there's something there,

as a professional.

You're not even gonna say
hi to see if he...

If there is something?
'Cause who knows?

"Does the 'f' on your hat
stand for 'find love?'"

is it, like... but that...

The "f" on the hat stands
for "find love," right?

Like almost a...

You sure?
Okay.

Alright.
So, the "f" stands for "f me."

Got it. It's okay.
I tried.

I'm just trying to, you know...

I'm not done, though.
I got the guy.

I'm 50% in, guys.

I got a willing guy.
Alright,
we'll give you a shot.

Yeah.
Pick out somebody else.

Hey, friends.
My name's James.

I work for a professional
matchmaking service.

I sense people's energy.

I'm telling you,
there's a connection

between this table
and the gentleman over there.

I think that it's worth at least
him saying hello to you.

What do you say? You want to
just let him say hi for a sec?

Send him over?
Oh! There you go!

How is this happening?
How is this happening?

The lucky day!
Lucky day! Okay.

So, the girl in the green
back there senses the energy.

She said, "tell him
to come over, absolutely."

I should go over?
Go over. Say hello.

If nothing comes of it,
you walk away.

It's no big deal.
I'm telling you.

I'm gonna trust
your professional experience.

Yes, my man.

Q: Oh, my god. I cannot believe
this is happening.

- Really?
- Wow.

Geez, murr.

Joe:
It's the heart shirt.

You have to get two people
to sit together

and exchange pleasantries,

which you are known
for, actually.

I'm known for what?
You are our pleasant one.

Oh, god.

I don't even know why i'm
bothering trying this out here.

There's no point.

There's zero point to me
being out here.

That's the attitude, pal.
There's the go get 'em we love.

Murr: Can I make this
more interesting?

My money's on q
to win this game.

20 bucks?
I'm willing to put 20 bucks on q
winning right now.

So $10 each for each of you.

Well, I know how math works
and all that.

Alright, boys.

Here we go.
He's got prop work.

There's prop work happening.

A classic, boys...
Has never failed, ever.

What's this?
"Do you like me?

Check one... yes, no."

We're going middle-school rules.

Mm-hmm?
Do you have two of them?

Boom.
Ohhh.

Alright, here we go, q.

Let the note-passing begin.

Excuse me, sir.

That, um...
The woman sitting over there

with her back to us asked me
to give you this... a note.

Okay.
I don't know.

Yep.
I don't know.

She just asked if I'm walking
by you, if I'd give it to you.

I'll go talk to her now.
I'll go talk to her right now.

Excuse me.
Ma'am?

This, um...
That really good-looking,

tall guy over there asked me
to give you this note.

What?
Sal: He's looking.
He's looking.

Guy right there.

He asked me to give you
that note.

Just asked me
to give you a note.

He asked if I'm passing this way
to give it to you.

Okay, take care.
Thank you.

Joe: Oh, oh, oh!

Murr: Now q's gonna sit back
and let the magic happen?

He's got the marker in hand,
and he's debating what to check.

She's dismissed... oh, this is
classic guys versus girls.

So, if he goes over there
to deliver the note, I win.

That's right!
Joe: That's 100% right.

Q's right.
Ugh!

I told you I'm keeping
that 20 bucks!

Sal: God.
Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, he's up!
He's standing up!

He's standing up!
He's out of his seat!

Q, he goes over, you win.

Oh, my god. I can't believe
I'm gonna win this.

Oh, my god.
This is it.

Oh, my god.
He's got the note in his hand!

Oh, q! Q!

- Oh, my god.
- Oh.

Sal: Oh, no.
He threw it in the garbage.

He threw it in the garbage.

In flames.

Murr, you owe everybody
20 bucks.

So, sal is gonna make love

happen on the food court today
at the mall.

- Right, right.
- Yeah.

Alright, I say we sh**t our
arrow at this girl right here.

- Yeah.
- I pick her.

Murr:
The lovely woman in yellow.

You got this guy right here.

How 'bout this fella?
He's good.

Yeah, yeah.
There we go.

Aww, they look like
they belong together.

That's it.
They do.

Alright.

Excuse me, sir.

Hey.
How are you?

Pretty good.
Okay, good.

Uh, I hope you don't think
this is weird.

My friend over there...
She thought you were cute.

She wanted me
to come over and tell you.

She said she thinks you got
that boom-shaka-laka.

The problem sal has is that
she's wearing a wedding ring.

That's the issue that sal has.

Oh, "I'll join you
for a bit!"

He didn't even
go to the woman yet!

Oh, my... I'm gonna go over
and let her know,

and then I'm gonna give you
the wave over to come, okay?

Yeah, okay.
Okay. You got it.
You got it.

Yeah, good luck.

Oh, god!

She's got a wedding ring on!

Joe: Oh, you're
halfway there, buddy.

You're halfway there!

Hi. How you doing?
Hi. How are you?

I hope you don't think
this is weird,

but I was eating with
my friend over there...

Mm-hmm.
Um, right past his table.

You see, he wanted me
to come over and tell you

that he thought you were cute

and that he would love
to come over and say hello

and sit here
and just say hi to you.

Oh, I'm sorry
because I'm married.

Oh.
I have a husband.

Okay. Alright.
It's okay.

Um, no problem at all.
No problem.

Okay. Alrighty.
Thank you.

Okay, so no.

Um, you know what?
I talked to her.

She forgot she was married.

Alright.

No, she's just a little shy.

But she's...
She just wanted to tell me

she hopes you have a good day,

and she thinks
you're a handsome fella.

Oh, 50%... he got halfway there.

Wow!
That was close.

Now they both watch me
go sit alone.

Joe, are you... did you
just decide to just have lunch?

Waiting on line now?

I never ate here.
What's good?

Tenders... chicken tenders.

Oh, you do the tenders?
Okay.

I'll tell you what,
back in the day,

Joe was a master
at this very thing,

but he's been
out of the game so long.

What, you mean
ordering chicken fingers

'cause he's a vegetarian now?

I'm gonna go win this thing
real quick.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go win this thing
real quick.

- Here we go.
- Hey, bud.

Mind if I join you?

Great.

Sal:
Empty tables everywhere...

- Yeah.
- So you know
the guy's very polite.

Oh, she's eating by herself.

That's not fun
to eat by yourself.

She's eating by herself.

The girl in the white
that was at the chicken place...

She decided to eat by herself.
She should join us, no?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, right?

Yeah, let me get her
to come join us.

Murr: Oh, h*!

He can't believe it.

He turned around, and he's
staring and watching you.

I'm sorry.

Uh, you should come join
my friend and myself.

What?
Come sit...

Come sit with us, so you're
not sitting by yourself.

I feel bad.
You helped me with the chicken.

This guy?
Yeah, come on.

This guy, yeah.
Come on. Yeah, come on.

Oh, my god!
Are you kidding me?

What's your name?

Oh, destiny, nice to meet you.

My friend can't wait
to meet you.

Her name, also, is destiny.

Come on in.
Have a seat.

This is destiny.

Have a seat... yeah, right here.

- Oh!
- Thank you.

- Hola.
- There you go.

So simple.
He made it look so easy.

Yeah.
What was your name again?

David. David... destiny.
Destiny... David.

Joe... winner.

- Ohhhh!
- Oh!

Oh, my god!
He did it!

Alright, the kid's still got it,
and I don't eat chicken.

This is a legit love connection.

Q: He's made a connection.
Joe: Come on.

Sal: They're both in each
other's, like, age range.

They actually make
a good couple.

Unbelievable.

Murr: Well done, Joseph.

Narrator: This was a romantic
tragedy for sal and q,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're teaming up
as architects

presenting designs for new
buildings throughout the city.

The catch is, all the models
and concept art

that we have have been
prepared by the other guys.

Say it one more time.

The catch is, all the models
and concept art

that we're presenting have been
prepared by the other team.

Say it again.
Yeah.

The catch is, all the models
and concept art

that we're presenting
have been prepar... prep...

He did it again!

At the end, we'll ask the group
for a show of hands

if they think that our proposal
is ready to submit.

The group with the fewest hands
raised loses.

Sal's the only one
that messed up a line.

We're leaving it all in.

Hi. How are you?
Welcome.

Murr: Is that the way you think
architects dress?

Okay.
So, here we go.

Alright.

Architecture's one of the
foremost innovative

industries in the world.

It literally shapes
the way we see

and interact in our community.

And we've built and re-shaped
over 30 buildings

in New York City
in the Metro area.

Commercial, residential?
Just curious.

- Uh, both.
- Both.

This guy's in it.

Okay.

Hd flat-screen windows...
The future is now.

Rather than antiquated
and traditional windows,

these plasma led
screens simulate

the beauty of nature every day.

And from the outside looking in,
competitors will see employees

working tirelessly
around the clock,

like it's in Japan.
What?

Yeah, Japan.
They're known for...

Yeah, you know,
they're outworking us...

They're outworking us
like crazy.

Pound for pound, yeah.
Yeah.

Guys, you have a prototype.
Alright. Here we go.

Look at that.
Everybody's working.

Oh, my god.

It's like Japan over here,
everybody's working so hard.

You know?

Then on the inside...
Inside, in here...

boom.

You got penguins.
Yep.

You got your sharks.
You got a lion.

And you got a wolf.
That's just the top floor.

The... the downside is you
can't ever see outside.

There you go...
Saying what everyone's thinking.

In terms of light abatements
and, you know...

Sal: Look at Joe's face.

Oh. I told you somebody was
gonna bring up light abatements.

I told you that.
You did.

Well, the... the good...
The good thing about it is,

we've actually done work in...
You know how the light abatement

changes in
the Times Square area?

What?

We've done some work there,
so we know

that there is possibilities
to get, uh...

Waivers depending on
what kind of...

There are exemptions?
Yeah, there's exemptions.

There are exemptions.

It just goes to show you,

most of us are getting
bullshitted at any given moment.

- Yes.
- I'm telling you.

Murr: Hit next.

Right?
Joe: Uh, full visibility.

Total workplace transparency
is crucial

in preventing untoward behavior.

"Untoward." Joe clearly did not
know that word.

Joe didn't know that word.
Joe didn't know that word.

I do not know what the hell
the word "untoward" was.

"Untoward"...
It means, um, inappropriate.

Does it behoove me?

No, it doesn't behoove you
to be untoward.

This is basically just something
that we've come up

with to take
the normal floor plan

and just re-imagine it.

So, uh, here we go.

For instance, using low-friction
air jet technology,

we've created
a state-of-the-art glide system

that could be applied
to the entire floor.

But you could just slide
across the floor?

Yeah, it's... we'll show you.

We actually...
One of our models.

Okay.
Okay.

Could you guys see this?

Come check it out.

♪

Stuff easily...
Easily relocates.

Look at that.

But, like, this just helps,
you know,

you move
a refrigerator with ease.

Man: That...
That's the liability damage.

So, it's an air-hockey floor,

so you can turn it
on and off as you need.

And now, a little something
for the ladies...

Uh...
Menstruation pods.

Murr: Oh!
Oh, my god!

And now, a little something
for the ladies...

Uh...
Menstruation pods.

Murr: Oh!

Yep.
Pod it up.

Murr: Oh, no!

How 'bout it's 2019...
About time, right?

Oh, my god!

Joe: Women have the luxury
of taking time away

from work to relax in their
own private space and be moody.

So, you just stay in there
for like a week or...?

Uh...
No... as you... as you need.

Okay.
As you need.

I just want you to have it
if you need it.

Oh, my god!

I can't!

Joe: And, uh...

Free chocolate offered.

We've heard from a lot of women
there's nothing better

after a long day of menstruating
than to have some chocolate.

"A long day
of menstruating."

That was basically our
architecture design concepts.

If you liked
any of our design concepts,

please raise your hand.

That's... that's none.
Nobody.

Yes!

You guys are crazy.

♪

Joe:
Sal looks like a humpback.

Here we go.
Here we go. Go.

Oh!
Whoa!

How are you?
Thank you for coming.

We work for
an architecture firm.

We are going to be presenting

some different types
of buildings.

Some of them are new buildings,
and some of them

are just initiatives
for office spaces.

So, take a look at your
first box there, guys.

Here we go.

Okay.
Okay.

Now, you can see
what this is right away.

It's a...
It is clearly
a rotating parking lot.

A parking lot.

No, it's not.
Unh-unh.

At first sight.

Pull the black wedges out.

- Ohhh!
- Oh, yeah!

Whoa.

Okay.

Oh, I see.
Oh.

- Ooh.
- Yeah!

Wait, wait.

Q: Oh, yeah.
Just let it go, guys.

Let it go up.

Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

- There we go.
- Okay.

Alright, sal, do the slide now.

Collapsible is the future.

Literally.
That, my friends...

Is a collapsible building.

Let me go through the slides.

At 9:47 P.M. eastern...
That's important...

The building collapses.

Okay?
Flat as a pancake.

The answer to all your questions
is "collapsible."

Any questions?

Collapsible.
Well, it's collapsible.

Alright, just... there.

Just... just...
Just put it over there.

I got it, I got it, I got it.
Sorry. We're done with that.

We're done with it.
Uh, next.

Express walkways...

Getting places faster
increases productivity.

We've created a new
state-of-the-art,

nylon-and-helium-hybrid
walkways.

They get people places faster.

Let's take a look.

Man: Boing, boing!

Look at those
white people bounce.

Honestly, look at those
white people.

They're bouncing and having fun.

It's like a bouncy castle
but to get from place to place

in your office for whites.

Virtual break rooms.

You don't need to decorate
the break room.

You don't even need electricity
in the break room.

You put on a vr headset.

These people are
at a coffee shop right now.

We've done testing.

The testing proves
that it works.

"The testing has
been done."

We did the testing.
I did.

The testing's been done.
I did it.

Uh, so, moving on...

This is a great one...
Alumni walls.

So, these are
hidden passages...
Hidden.

Within the walls
so former employees...

Former.
Can visit the office

without interrupting
the workday.

Perks such as a nap area,
smoking sections are included,

and burial plots are available.

This is borne out
of my grandfather,

who was at his job
for almost 64 years.

Yes.

Some people say he lived
and died at his work.

"He was a construction worker...
Fell in the cement."

He was a construction worker.

He fell in cement, but...

Uh, we're taking shared office
space to the next level.

The daycare industry grosses
over $25 billion.

The mammal pet industry grosses

over $25 billion
annually, as well.

Amazing.
Check this out.

Daycare center
meets cat hospital...

$49 billion industry.

Now, I know what you're
thinking... 25 and 25 is 50.

Why is it only $49 billion?

We factor for inflation.

Look at her face!
She's so confused!

Assuming the cat hospital,
if there's an emergency

with the children,
could help them, as well.

Can veterinarians operate
on... on people?

Well, no, but I'm saying
dire emergency,

they could probably...
I'm sure they could...

There's... there's a...
Just saying.

Looks like murrcano's
falling apart.

My point is, I would want my kid
in a cat hospital

as opposed to not a hospital.

Next!

Thank you.

By show of hands, do you feel
that anything you've seen today

might be viable?

So, three.
Oh!

They got... three?
That's... how?

That's... I don't know.
Okay.

Oh, great.
Excellent.

Boing, boing!

Look at those
white people bounce!

Look at those white
people bounce!

Look at those white people...

Narrator:
Joe and q were demolished,
making q tonight's big loser.

Yes!
Hey!

Q has lost, so tonight, we're
here at 230 fifth rooftop bar.

That's right, and the folks
at friendzy events

are letting us crash
their networking event tonight.

Now, Joe, what do you do
at a networking event?

You network with people.
That's right.

And what is q doing tonight?

He's networking with person.

So, you're gonna latch on
to someone

from the beginning
of this event,

and you're never gonna
leave their side.

It's gonna get
real awkward real quick.

Yeah.
Stalkerish, if you will.

Murr: This is a high-powered
networking event

That's right.

Alright, q.

Check q scoping out the area,
trying to make a new friend.

- How's the networking going?
- Not bad.

Not bad, right?
Not bad.

Yeah.
Get a whole new group of people.

Hey, how you doing?
Good. How are you doing?

You'll get your hooks
in this guy, buddy.

Good.
I'm Brian.

I do speech pathology.
I help people.

Yeah.
A holistic doctor?

Oh, cool!

- So, you do social media?
- Alright, q.

Dial in the awkward.

Talk to him! Yeah, man, that's
what we're here for...

To network!

Alright, q, you cannot
leave this guy's side.

Smart, smart.
Alright, we'll be back.

Joe: Oh!
Q's following him!

Here we go!

There he goes, there he goes,
there he goes!

He's walking fast!
Murr: He's walking!

He's leaving.
Follow as much as you can.

Stick with him.

There he is.

Do you want a...
Do you want a drink?

No, I'm good.

- Holistic medicine.
- Holistic medicine.

Sorry?
Holistic medicine.

Holistic medicine?
Yeah.

Like acupuncture
and stuff like that.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Yeah.

- He did a fake wink.
- What brings you guys here?

Um, I'm just showing...
I live here,

but this is my friend
from when I lived in London.

- Where do you live?
- Don't talk to them.

Where... where do you live?

I live in New York.

Oh, where?
Like, where in New York?

Just around.
Just around?

And where...
Where in town are you?

Where are you?

I'm in west village right now.

Oh, nice.
What neighborhood are you in?

Uh, my office.
I gave you my card.

Oh, well, I just...
She was saying where she lives.

We're gonna go get some food.

- Oh, alright.
- Alright.

We'll see you later.
We'll see you later.

Oh, no!

This is so weird!

Joe:
Now we got a punishment!

Murr: Alright, q.

You cannot leave
this guy's side.

Joe: Oh, he wants to meet
a lot of people.

What about one for a long time?

This is getting weird!

Oh, look at that!

There you go, q.

You know that feeling when
you're around somebody

and you don't want them
to be around you?

That's what this is right now.

Oh, my god!

Don't get shy, buddy.

For an acupuncture conference.

- Oh, okay.
- Do you have children?

Sal: Oh, my god.

Yeah, you.
Do you have children?

His face says a billion words.

We got to get going.
We got to get moving.

Well, it was nice
talking to you.

Nice talking to you, too.
Take it easy. Good luck.
Good luck with the event.

- Okay, good seeing you.
- We got to get going.

Good seeing you, Brian.
Take it easy.
Oh, no, no. I'm cool.

I'm cool.
No, no, I was just...

Sal:
Look at that face!

So, anyway, I'd love
to talk to you some more.

How's it going, Davis?
How you doing?

I'm Brian.
This is Christopher.

This is Vanessa.

This is Davis.
- Oh! Oh, my god.

Nice to meet you, Davis.

No, no. We... he...
I just met him briefly a mom...

A few minutes ago.

Chris got something in his eye

that he hasn't been
able to get out.
Yeah.

He's trying to get rid of you.

He will not get rid of you.

Listen, would you like to have
a private con...

We're talking about...

We need to have
a private conversation.

Excuse me.
- Me and you?

Alright, Vanessa, if you could
excuse us just one second...

No, no, no, no.

She and I need to have
a private conversation.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, just... thanks.

- Well, what about us?
- No, no. We're good. We're good.

I've met you.
We'll talk another time.

We're good.

"Did you tell her
you're a holistic doctor?"

Did you tell her
that you're a holistic doctor?

- Yeah.
- Oh!

Sal: Oh, my god!

Well, that was some bad
networking, my friends.

Bad networking!

Alright, q.
That was sufficiently weird.

Yes.

You look like you're homeless.

Q: Sorry.
Anybody want some chicken?

There's two buckets
and another full tray.

Whoa, that was damaged.

Who put the bone back in there,

thus destroying it
for everybody else?

Who did that?

Nobody's...
Nobody's fessing up to that?

We... we have cameras
running at all time.

If you want to step up now
and tell us, we'll let it go,

but if we have to hunt
you down and find you...

That's just not a rogue bone
that was in here on delivery?

No, they're not doing that.
They didn't go down that route?

No.
This is malicious.

♪

Has everybody had a second
to think about this?

Oh, the chicken bone just found
its way in the box?

Nobody did it?

Alright.

Q: Was it you?

No.
Was it you?

No.
Was it you?

I'm a pescatarian,
so I don't eat chicken.

We... we got it.

Was it you?

No.
Was it you?

You're the only one
I know didn't do it.

I'm clean.
My hands are clean.

I'm a pescatarian.

♪

♪

Evidence.

Somebody threw a bone back

in the bucket
when they were done eating.

Right!

Somebody threw an eaten chicken
bone back in the bucket?!

Yeah.
That's disgusting!

Yeah, you got that right.

Who did that?
I don't know.

It is the kind of thing
I would do...

We've all said it.
But I'm a breast man.

Yeah, second...
I didn't do it.

All: Wow!

So, someone's a real piece
of in here.

Wow!

Gunk: All the guys and dames
in this joint are keeping mum.

But one of them's
the chicken-bone bandit

or my name isn't Tony gunk.