07x08 - No Child Left Behind

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
what's got sal playing dirty?

Why is Joe keeping
a low profile?

And which losing joker
will stick his nose

where it doesn't belong
in tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: I want my mommy!

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Put your Sushi down, you moron.

Today, we are at
focus pointe global

competing head-to-head
as toy designers

trying to figure out,
"who's got the better toys?"

Except the ridiculous
toy we're pitching

has been created
by the other guy.

At the end, we'll ask the group
by show of hands to tell us

who has a toy they think
should be developed further.

If they don't
pick you, you lose.

Yes.

So, sal and I work
for a well-known toy company.

So, what we need
your help with today

is your honest opinion

on several toys
that we've developed.

Here we go.
So this toy...

Now, sal's made this for Murray.

Okay. Let see
what we got here.

Okay.

It's grandpa whoopsie.

Research shows that children

are extremely scared
of their grandparents

because of the accidents
they often have, right?

So what we do here is we've
created a doll that teaches

them not to be afraid of
their incontinent grandparents.

I'll show you how it works.

You remember the dolls
that piss and stuff like that?

Basically, the kid
at home can pump it up

and see what happens to grandpa.

Oh! Geez!

I... I... excuse me.

As you can see, you pump up,

and grandpa whoopsie
becomes incontinent.

"Whoopsies"... you know,
an accident happens.

Oh, I'm so sorry!
Oh, my god, murr!

You think children want to hold
a senior-citizen male p*nis?

This happens to all of us
when we get older.

I mean, you and I often have
trouble urinating, right?

That's... that's not true.
We do.

We... we use the restroom,
we think we're finished,

we go to walk out, and then
we fall and wet our pants.

We talk about this all the time.

That's true!

Yeah, they do talk
about it a lot.

Uh, you also have
a commercial for this one.

Let's take a look.

Who am I?

- All right.
- Okay, you're up, sal.

Let's see what murr
made for sal here.

Q: This looks like...
More like a man's doll.

Let's see what
he turns this into.

This is Heather, and she's
the cookie monster,

basically, for girls.

He gets it!

Woman:
Yeah, what is that?

What do all kids want to do?

They want to eat a whole
box of cookies, right?

And they can't, but the kids

are going to live
vicariously through her

'cause she has enough
room in the receptacle,

which is the head, to eat
an entire box of cookies.

It's the outfit
that's the problem.

And then, you will
be able to unzip here

and empty the cookies out

and then she can eat
a whole box of cookies again.

You feed cookies into it just to
open the pouch in the back?

That's about the dumbest idea
I've ever seen.

I just came out of a thing that

I always wanted more cookies

and I wasn't allowed
to have them.

And parents are
going to buy this,

knowing the purpose of the doll.

I can see dads buying it.

Aw, man!

I'm sure there's
a commercial, right?

Yeah, we... we...
We produced one,

but it ended up being
just a huge mess.

We couldn't do it.

There wasn't a cookie
in the whole commercial.

There was... they made
the whole commercial

without a cookie in it,
and so, it's like, "all right."

That's not gonna...
That's not gonna sell the doll

that we're trying to sell.

Murr: We can only bring one
of these to market, okay?

How many of you think
we should bring

grandpa whoopsie to market?

- Yeah, there you go.
- How many of you think

we should bring
Heather to market?

- A one. There you go.
- And?

Deciding vote.

- All right. You got it.
- All right, so it's a tie.

We have our first deadlock ever!

Wow!

Joe: We bring in products that
we've developed to get feedback

and we'll take
a vote at the end...

Who do you think
you like better?

And here we go.

This is mine.

This is, uh...
No, this is... this is...

It's a yo-yo-yo-yo.
It's a yo-yo-yo-yo.

We've taken a yo-yo,
and we've yo'd...

We've yo'd it up
on the other side.

You rock the baby?

Uh, yeah,
tried to rock the baby.

You can't do it
without a cradle.

- Do you know how?
- I used to.

I used to have
a Duncan professional.

- I used to be...
- Whoa!

You can't... you can
do the double dog-walk?

You can't... you can't do that.

You need to flick the wrist.
You need to flick?

Yeah. Sorry.

What if you have the double?

If you have the other version?

What's the advantage
over a single one-line...

You get the extra yo-yo.

So, it's a yo... yo-yo-yo-yo,

so it's got more of,
like, you know.

It's a fun name with it.

It's probably... it might,
you know, really play to, uh...

Let's watch him sweat.
Joe's lips are getting moist.

Uh, the lip's going.
It's more like, you know...

His... his brow and lips
are getting moist!

But this... I mean,
maybe the commercial?

All right, let's hear
the jingle, Joey.

♪ You put it in a dog ♪

♪ yo, yo, yo, yo, yo-yo-yo-yo ♪

♪ yo, yo, we love the yo-yo yo ♪

I mean, there's not
much to it, guys.

It's two yo-yos.
I don't know what to...

Who's it targeting?

So this is targeted,
basically, for people...

For yo-yo enthusiasts or people

that wanted
to challenge themselves

with a double yo-yo situation.

Research shows that a lot
of people buy yo-yos.

Why do people buy yo-yos?

To play with them.

Murr: All right, q's up.

Here's a product that
we have to show you today.

It's the, uh,
customer-service dream phone.

With customers.

- Here we go.
- So, it's like... it's, uh...

- Match and play, yeah.
- So basically what you are doing

is you're playing
customer-service representative.

You spin this...

All right, here's what
we're going to do.

For whoever they
land on in this wheel,

we're going to play
"prerecorded" messaging.

Come on in. Come on.
We're bringing in James.

One of our comedy producers.

And then the customer
that you get...

Hello?

As you spin this,
and then the customer

that you get,
like this gentlemen here...

I fell down.

You talk.
Now you talk to him.

Hello?
I fell down.

Oh, sir.
Uh, are you okay?

Uh, just hang tight.
I'm going to call, uh, 911.

Eeegh.
Okay, thank you.

So, that's it, and then...
his complaint...
his complaint is he fell down.

Yeah, his complaint is he
fell down, so he needs help.

- Hello, sir?
- My glasses are off.

- I think that, uh...
- What customer service is this?

You're going to get
a variety of, like,

"hey, hello,
customer-service line."

Yo, I burnt my mouth on pizza!

- All right, sir.
- That's a real common complaint.

Well, I'll... I'll... I'll
connect you to the nearest,

uh, urgent clinic and, uh...

- Ouch.
- All right.

We'll get that taken care of.
Thank you have a good day.

Pizza.

- So, it's the, uh...
- The customer-service

- dream phone.
- How much alcohol

were you drinking
when you thought that this

was a good idea to take
your time and produce?

Ooh, I burnt my mouth on pizza.

Q: All right, yeah.

All right.

- I fell down.
- Poor guy fell down.

Ow.

All right, let's see.
Let's take the vote.

Joe: By show of hands,
who thinks

the customer-service dream phone

is the better idea?

And then, if you guys think
yo-yo-yo-yo...

Murr: Oh-h*!
Great.

Joey wins.

That was... you didn't
see that coming.

Narrator: Q got customer-served,

so he's first-up
on the loser board.

Today we're at fairway market
competing head-to-head,

putting clothespins on
unsuspecting strangers.

It's pin for pin, people.

The last person
to attach a clothespin

without getting caught before
that shopper leaves, wins.

Insert joke here.

No, you're supposed
to make a joke.

You're supposed
to make a joke, bud.
That's why it says that.

We thought you were
going to write one.

- All right, Joseph.
- Good luck.

Let's play like gentlemen.
- Good, clean, gentlemen's game.

Q: Gentlemen? I mean, you're
competing against each other.

Let's... come on.

In a gentlemanly sort of way.

Would you care to go first, sir?

- Oh, sir, after you, please.
- Oh, well, thank you very much.

Q: You guys gonna play
this game, or what?

I'm sorry...
I'm sorry that we're friends

getting along.

Yeah, you want to go to
the wide for me for a minute?

Who do you want us to play with?

Touché, touché.

I never know what flavor
to go with these.

- I agree.
- Yeah, there's always

so many ones.
You guys talking flavors?

Yeah, what do you...
what flavors are you
getting into?

Take the blue ones?
Oh, 'cause they're blue corn.

Q: This guy doesn't know
he's drawing them in.

- Here we go. Joe's in.
- He might as well have jumped

in the deep sea and cut himself.

Blue corn naturally
resistant to that?

Murr: Joe has struck.
Joe's on.

Oh, he's got
a good jacket for this.

Well, with the blue...
I like a...

I like a good, what do you
call it... a peach salsa?

Q has responded.

Do you ever do that
peach-mango salsa?

No, I... someone once
suggested to me

that I do the peach-mango salsa,

but it was a girl
that I broke up,

and I could never bring myself
to do mango salsa again.

- Joe got him again.
- Do you make your own

salsa at home?

You can. Teach you how
the Italians do it.

- Go ahead. Tell me, yeah.
- Tomatoes, basil, add in salt.

- Get him, q!
- Oh, he's got it!

No, listen to me.
Tomatoes...

This guy's great.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Try it.
I'm gonna try it.

What have you got to lose?
Where is this guy from?

I don't know.
Wise-guy knowledge!

Staten island.
It's the easiest place.

Highland boulevard.

Hey!

Uh, top tomato with that?

La boite.
La boite?

Where's that place
your cousin used to work?

My cousin used to
work down at a.J.'S place

under the boulevard.
Oh, that's right.

That's... that's down by nudorf.

Murr: Oh, my god!
Look at this guy.

- Where are you from?
- Brooklyn.

- -Oh, okay.
- Oh, you spent some...

You lived
in Brooklyn for a while.

I lived in Brooklyn
for a while, yeah.

I lived right inside the Ridge.

South Broadway?
He didn't live there.

You did.

My father...
I was a trust-fund baby.

He's talking about you.

Put your Sushi down, you moron.

Loaned his parents money.
This guy's good.

He's good, he's good.

Now I did Italian ices
for a while.

How does he not know?
Look at his whole...

Sal: He looks like
a porcupine.

He's done a lot of
weird stuff, this guy.

I had every job except shoveling

for a cuckoo clock.
Oh, there you go.

All right.
Joe's got it.

- Blue?
- Blue.

Get the blue chips, all right.

- They got him back in!
- You got to get him.

And... oh, Joey wins!

- Boom.
- Well done, Joey.

- I fought for that.
- Wow.

That was work.

This is the first time
we've had this many

possible ways to lose.

You're bringing this?

I'm gonna eat that now.

Q: Right away, I see Murray's
focused on the game.

And sal's focused on snacks.

Distracted by food and snackage.

All right, so you guys
got to go clip for clip.

Oh, he's going for this lady.

Oh, there, and we're in.

They have the lemons here, too.

What do you mean
by the lemons, though?

Just the regular lemons?

- Oh, her radar's up!
- I wanted to get the sorbet.

Do you want the frozen shrimp?

Joe: She's moving!
She got on to us!

Q: Whoa, whoa!

Joe: All right, so you guys
got to go clip for clip.

I wanted to get the sorbet.

Do you want the frozen shrimp?

She's moving!
She got on to us!

Q: Whoa, whoa!

- Ohh!
- Murr!

- Whoa!
- Murray gets it

at the last second!

He held me back. He literally
physically restrained me.

You're just angry
you didn't think of it.

Joe: Okay, we'll be nice.
You get one do-over.

- You cheated.
- I didn't cheat.

Here we go.

Q: It's on.

Just pass that red line for me.

Yeah, just step back.
Just over there.

- Sal wins.
- Son of a b*tch.

You opened up pandora's box.

Q: That's a wrap.

Narrator: Q and murr were
hung out to dry,

so they're up
on the loser board.

Today we're at willowbrook
in Wayne, New Jersey,

playing a game we like
to call "can't touch this."

Not us.
It's a joker vs. Joker.

That's right, while me
and sal are in the mall,

these guys will be
pointing a laser pointer,

and we have to touch
wherever it lands.

You can't touch
that dot, you lose.

♪ Can't touch that dot,
you lose ♪

♪ can't touch that dot,
you lose ♪

♪ can't touch that dot,
you lose ♪

♪ can't touch that dot,
you lose ♪

You won't sing? We're doing
the whole thing with the bodies.

This is
a joker vs. Joker.

Narrator: It's Joe and sal
in a joker vs. Joker challenge.

- Who's got the thing?
- Sal's got it.

I got one, I got one.
Ready? Right here.

- Look.
- There it is.

Oh

Murr: Oh, boy.

That doesn't make it
easier to touch it.

- Oh, he nailed it.
- Pretty anti-climactic.

Sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry.

- He's trying not...
- Hey, Joe.

I got something different.
Ready?

Now you got to go inside and
touch the mannequin's crotch.

Oh... oh, okay.
On the adult p*nis?

- Nope.
- Oh, kid mannequin crotch?

- There we go.
- Better choice.

I'm proud of you.
That's just a petit man.

That's what that is.
That's right.

Here we go, here we go,
here we go, here we go.

Follow. Look. Follow.

- Oh, my god.
- That's well-played.

Yeah, I mean... you're going
to win on that one.

- Man, I got lickety-split.
- There we go.

- Where's sal?
- Man-bun.

Get it. Get it, Joey.

The coolest.

Do you just have
to put spray in it?

I just want
to know if it comes out

because I used
to have long hair.

- That's great, too.
- Wow. Well played.

- Sal, another the man bun.
- Oh, wow.

I like it a lot.

- Better get it.
- My next haircut's tomorrow.

I'm going to tell him to shave,
keep the top long

because this is so nice.

Joe: Sal, it's on
the other guy's head.

Go back-and-forth.

You know, you don't the...
You don't do it,

but you do do the bun,
and you don't do the bun.

Sal, look where it is.
It's on his beard now.

And then you have the beard,

and then you don't
have the beard.

And then you ankles here.
I like that.

And you're wearing
the matching shoes.

Did we cover your entire body?

Narrator: It was
touch-and-go for Joe,

but q is still
tonight's big loser.

All right, q is our loser.

So for your punishment, buddy,

we took you to little people
party in Brooklyn, New York,

where there's a gaggle of
toddlers downstairs playing.

Amongst them is a dirty diaper.

You got to go in there
and find that load.

You can't pick up
a person's child...

You can't, and that's why
this is what it is.

All right, there he is.

The guy with the
serial-k*ller hoodie on,

walking around
a kid's play-space.

Let's start.

Junior, I'll be right there.

So what happens here is,
they might suspect

that q's a parent and his kid
is somewhere about.

- Yes.
- But sooner or later,

they're going to see that
no child ever goes to him.

I don't know what kid poop
smells like so I'm just assuming

I'm going to know when I get
it... hi, hi, how are you?

- Hi.
- Go find that diaper, buddy.

Look at that!

He did a dive towards the hole!

Already weird.

Did you... did you do a poo-poo?

- She's on the move.
- She ran away.

How do you know
if one of these kids...

Uh, uh, did a number two?

You smell poop?

Generally, how close or far away
do you have to be?

He's getting some intel!

Is it just like I walk into it?
I'm like, "whoa!"

Some kids, you got to get,
like, you know, like...

Aw, see? Clean.

Oh, my god.

Vroom. Vroom.

Aw, you're doing great, pal.
Very clean diaper.

Ah, you're right.
Clean diaper.

Moving on.

All right, guys.
I'm starting to lose track

of which kids I checked.

I got to start keeping notes.

And take pic... nope,
I'm not going to do that.

Don't take pictures of the kids.

Yeah, I got it.
I caught myself on that one.

Here you go.
Right in there.

Ooh, look at that face!

Some of these parents
are starting to eye me up.

- You're on the radar, man.
- Oh, god. My life is so weird.

Yeah, I'm just walking
around mumbling to myself.

I do that a lot.

I'm Brian. Hi. How are you?
Nice to meet you, Brian.

Very nice to meet you.
Let me ask you something.

How are these onesies
on odor protection?

Is this the sort of thing
that you're just kind of like...

You pick it up anyway?

All right.
Do you come here a lot?

Uh, well, this is my first time.

How'd you hear about it?

Uh, my... my friend has kids

and I'm thinking about
one day maybe having them...

Oh, so they're not your kids?

Oh, no, no. I don't have
any kids, at all.

I just came down to see, like,

what it is like to have them.

Joe: He got
caught up in it.

Wait, you don't have
any kids here right now?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Anyway, good to meet you.

Good to meet you, too.

♪♪

Murr: Here we go.

Now it's getting tense.

Sal: Oh, my god.

I just came down to see,
like, what it is like

to have kids.

Wait, you don't have
any kids here right now?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Anyway, good to meet you.

Good to meet you, too.

Here we go.

Now it's getting tense.

Go find that diaper, buddy.

- Look at me and you.
- She's on...

Hurry those up!

Weirdo.

Where's my little cheeky-monkey?

Sal: Q, I just want you to
concentrate for a second.

- Yeah?
- We told you to find

the dirty diaper.

- Yes, I'm working on it.
- We didn't necessarily say...

All right,
that's all you got to say.

We just said
"find the dirty diaper."

That's it.
God damn you two.

Take a good look at the crowd.

A little bit
to your left, maybe.

Oh, my god.

Yes!

How are you doing, dear?
Are you okay?

Yeah!

Stonewall Jackson!

I think that she's with you
guys, but she might not be.

That is what the issue is.

Murr: Uh-oh!
She just pointed.

Sal: They're clearly
talking about you.

Oh, my god. This is going
to make my job harder.

"Bizarre."
she just said "bizarre."

Yes, yes!

Murr: Look at him trying
to sniff incognito.

Q: I'm not
smelling anything.

The lady's talking
to the old woman.

- That man?
- Yeah, what did he just

- do to you?
- Um.

He's not here with any children.

That's not safe.

Oh, my god.

Q: Quite frankly, she's right.
There you go.

Murr: Oh, my god.
She's reporting you.

This is getting tense.

Now she's reporting me
to the... to the child cops.

Find that poop.
Find that poop.

- What, bud?
- I got to go back.

That was suspect.

I'm going to confirm, boys.

Joe: All right, buddy.
Here we go.

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da
dun-dun-dun ♪

Hey, buddy.

Whoa!

This kid pooped his diaper,
and I found him.

All right. Ugh.

You got that up in the strills.

He got them turd strills.

Go ahead and puke it out.

Puke it out! My son
on me at 4:00 A.M. yesterday.

Q: Brr, oh, my god.

Sal: I got to tell ya,
for a loaded diaper,

the kid has a great attitude.
Joe: Yeah, he does.

I'm not gonna go to jail.

Murr: Well done.

♪♪

He just got wiped in
tonight's stinky punishment,

and now you get
a behind-the-scenes look

of how it happened

and bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

That kid stank.

I know. It's on you now.

Oh, stop.
You know it is.

Stop, you.

When it's not your punishment,
you are in

super-relaxation mode.

I'm just here as a viewer.

I... I don't know what rumors
are going around about me,

but I have three kids here.

Joe: He doubled-down!

Let's do that thing we do
before every single sh**t.

- Oh, Murray.
- Murray.

- What?
- Murr, it's a joke.

We don't do it for real, but
everybody likes you the least.

Murr: It's not true!

All right, Joe's doing
a tuck, classic tuck.

Doing a classic tuck real quick,

button, hold it, zip fly.
Quick zip-sky.

He's in.
Ready to go.

"Q is our loser."
I'll say up top.

- Three, two, one.
- Hey, q is our loser.

Oh, I thought it was my line?

You take it. Go ahead.

Oh, no, no.
You can take it.

All right, q is our loser.

So, buddy... for...

All right, q is our loser.

I was swallowing.

How do you test
someone's diapers?

- You go by smell.
- Use all of your senses.

Okay, and these are,
like, a vent

or something that you smell.

- A vent?
- A vent?

Aren't odds are right now
that there's another kid

his pants down there?

Yeah, there might be
other in there.

So if I find any is that it?

I believe that...
When I talked to them,

I believe the rules are you have
to find the right

oh, what's up, spider-man?
You climbing up that thing?

You got it, spider-man.

Aaah.
- Look at that! Look at that!

Very clean.

Yeah, how's...
How's his movements?

Good? Everything's fine?

- Yeah, I think so.
- All right.

Can I buy a vowel?

Can I buy a vowel?

Aww. Hello.

Here he goes, here he goes,
here he goes.

I like to get low.
It's less threatening, you know?

Ooh, peek-a-boo.

Ooh, peek-a-boo.

Peek-a-boo.

Joe: He's wa... he's wafting!
He's wafting towards him!

Oh, it's nice to meet you.
That is a clean diaper.

That is a clean diaper.
Nice work.

All right.

Casey: That was brutal, man.
I found it very funny.

Can I say something?
Yes.

I want to thank
my mother and father

for changing diapers
when I was a kid.

I don't have kids.
I'll never have kids.

So I didn't know.

Do you have a whole new respect?

Yeah, man.

You want to go back up?

Here you go, pal.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Oh, god. Here you go.

Whoo, it's clean.
I smelled really deep.

It's like the smell
has stuck to you.

Ugh.
It really was that bad.

No, no, no.

Oh, my god.

Ew, I smell like q.

All right, guys.
Hey, let's watch some more

bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

And I'm sal.
I got to wash my hands.

Oh, my god. That's me.

♪♪

Right, you got it?
All right. Follow it.

There we go.

He's putting it on
Dan cast's crotch.

We love Dan cast.
He works on our show.

Sorry, Dan. Ding.

I went light. Sorry.

Go. Right over here.
Come right over here.

To your right and hit it.

Sal: You know I have
to do this.

I understand.

You know that
I don't want to do it.